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Favourite jokes

Post by whitbyforklift on Tue Oct 11, 2011 2:09 pm

First topic message reminder :

The great Gramoldi

A stranger walked into a doctor's surgery. The doctor said what can I do for you?
Nothing really doctor,I just need someone to talk to.You see I have lost my sense of humour.
The doctor said I have been a GP for 40 years,that is the saddest thing I have ever heard.
Without a sense of humour life is not worth living.This my friend is your lucky day.I have something that will help you.
Thats good of you doctor said the the stranger but nothing can help me.
The doctor said I have here tickets for the circus that is visiting this town.
I know what you are trying to do doctor,but I am afraid it will not work.
The doctor said this is no ordinary circus,this is the circus that has the funnyiest clown that ever lived The Great Gramoldi.
No one can watch Gramaldi without splitting their sides laughing.
It is good of you doctor said the man,but it wont work because you see I am The Great Gramoldi. silent
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Re: Favourite jokes

Post by Phil Hornby on Sun Mar 11, 2012 4:47 pm

The captain of an airliner announced to passengers that three of the engines had failed and that they would now be at least four hours late into Gatwick. A snooty Tory woman in a tweed suit turned impatiently to her companion and said: " I hope the fourth engine doesn't stop or we'll be up here all night..."


Last edited by Phil Hornby on Tue Apr 23, 2013 6:35 pm; edited 1 time in total

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Re: Favourite jokes

Post by oftenwrong on Sun Mar 11, 2012 6:18 pm

Matron:
"Nurse, could you show Mr. Lansley round the Ward, please?"

Nurse:
"Oh. Errm. I was just about to...... Yes of course I will, Matron. What shall I do with these rectal thermometers?"
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Cameron asks Shaun Ryder to advise on class and help to detox Tories

Post by Scarecrow on Sun Apr 01, 2012 4:30 am

This is pure desperation on the Tories part , an ex drug addict junkie pop star dictating tory policy , how sad have the tories sunk to seek the services of Mr Ryder. I know they think he will give them media kudos , think again DAVE.

Spin doctors believe that his credibility and authenticity could rub off on a government that has increasingly lost the common touch. He will advise on presentation of all coalition policies that affect the least well-off. He has already devised a T-shirt which makes light of "pastygate", adapting the George Osborne mantra "We're all in this together".

Celebrities including Claudia Winkelman, David Walliams, David Tennant and Miranda Hart have agreed to model the T-shirts, which picture Cameron eating a pasty alongside the slogan "We're All Eating This Together" and look set to become cult items.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/politics/2012/apr/01/cameron-shaun-ryder-advise-tories

(C) contactmusic.com

HA HA APRIL FOOLS
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Re: Favourite jokes

Post by blueturando on Tue Apr 23, 2013 3:35 pm

I hate when people treat benefit claimers unfairly, I once heard this posh women ranting:

"They don't even try looking for a job, they just sit on their arses being paid more than someone who has a job, in their free house which I pay for with MY taxes, it's like Christmas for them!" she shouted.

I couldn't listen any more so I stood up, "That's completely untrue!" I shouted at her, "most of them don't even celebrate Christmas..."

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Re: Favourite jokes

Post by oftenwrong on Tue Apr 23, 2013 5:27 pm

Fascinating, blue. Apparently the Greek version was, 'Δόξα ἐν ὑψίστοις θεῷ καὶ ἐπὶ γῆς εἰρήνη ἐν ἀνθρώποις εὐδοκίας. Epi ges: on earth eirene: peace en anthropois: to people (in the dative, for the preposition) eudokias: good will (accusative) The translation that makes the most sense is, in fact, "good will to men". If you had wanted to include "peace to men of good will", then "good will" would modify "men", and thus it would be in the dative to agree with anthropois. But it's not in the dative. It's in the accusative. Well spotted, blue!

Comic genius. It's the way you tell 'em.
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Re: Favourite jokes

Post by Phil Hornby on Tue Apr 23, 2013 6:41 pm

Coming next week : Getting Away with the Split Infinitive... Very Happy
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Re: Favourite jokes

Post by Ivan on Tue Aug 20, 2013 11:00 am

A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store. A store clerk dialled 911 when she saw him collapse to the floor.
 
The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart by-pass surgery.
 
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital. A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard loaded with several forms and a pen. She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.
 
"Do you have health insurance?", she asked.
 
"No health insurance", he replied in a raspy voice.
 
"Do you have money in the bank?", she asked.
 
"No money in the bank", he replied.
 
"Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?", asked the irritated nun.
 
He said: "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun."
 
The nun became agitated and announced loudly: "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."
 
The patient replied: "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law."
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Re: Favourite jokes

Post by bobby on Tue Aug 20, 2013 5:51 pm

A young man came to London looking for a job, the manager asked if the lad had any experience, “yeah” the young man replied.
 
There Manager liked him so gave him the job. His first day on the job was challenging and busy but he got through it. At closing time the Manager came down and asked, “ok, so how many sales did you make today?, one said the lad. Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 sales per day, how much was the sale for. £124,237 said the lad.
 
The Manager choked and exclaimed “what the hell did you sell him?.
 
“well first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook and then I sold him a new fishing rod, then I asked him where he was going fishing, he said “down the coast. So I told him he would need a boat so we went to the boat department and I sold him the twin engined super cat. Then he said he didn’t think his car would pull the boat on its trailer so I took him to the car sales department and sold him a 4X4.
 
The Manager said “you mean to tell me a guy came in for a fish hook, and you sold him a boat and a 4X4.

The lad replied “no no no, he came in for a pack of tampons for his lady friend and I said “well since your weekend’s well and truly F****d up, you might as well go fishing.
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Re: Favourite jokes

Post by Phil Hornby on Tue Aug 20, 2013 8:45 pm

A man is walking through a dark car park when a car door opens and  a woman's voice says " Hey, Big Boy, come here and give me a good time in the back seat".

The guy hesitates, but obliges and is doing his stuff in the pitch black when a torch is shone through the window. To the guy's horror he realises it is a Policeman, who asks " What do you think you are doing?" to which the now panicking bloke replies " Ah, officer - I was ...er...just...er... making love to my wife". The copper says " Oh, ok, sir - I didn't realise it was your wife". " To be honest" says the fellow " neither did I, until you shone your torch on her face..."
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Re: Favourite jokes

Post by oftenwrong on Tue Aug 20, 2013 10:40 pm

A child developed a habit of waking up again about an hour after being put to bed, and the Doctor advised his concerned parents to simply disregard the habit, which Johnnie would grow out of quite soon upon realising he was being consistently ignored.

On the very first night of the new regime, Johnnie persistently shouted down the stairs asking for a drink of water, a request that was equally persistently disregarded several times. Finally Dad lost his cool and called out, "If you don't go back to sleep immediately, I'm coming up there to give you a hard smack."

A moment later, the boy replied, "When you come up to give me a smack could you bring a drink of water, please?"

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Re: Favourite jokes

Post by bobby on Wed Aug 21, 2013 11:34 am

On Little Billy's first day at school, the teacher introduced herself to her new brood of pupils, she would ask the child's name followed by " I am Miss Franny".
After several days, poor little Billy just couldn't get her name right, so after school that day he kept repeating to himself "Fanny with an R, Fanny with an R, Fanny with an R.
When at school the following morning, Miss Franny did her usual morning introduction to which little Billy retorted "Good Morning Miss Crunt"
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Re: Favourite jokes

Post by Phil Hornby on Wed Aug 21, 2013 12:30 pm

A true story : a few years ago when I was coaching the under 14s team for the local football club, I was getting the lads warmed up at a training evening when one said that at his previous club he had not been asked to take part in quite such a hectic session as the one I was using and that he would be going to ask his Dad ( who was watching some distance away) to 'have a word with me".

As a throw-away line I said to the young man " Please do, if you wish - I am not concerned about your Dad", " You should be", said the lad, " he is a member of the Police firearms unit".

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Re: Favourite jokes

Post by oftenwrong on Wed Aug 21, 2013 1:06 pm

Wrong response of course, Phil, as you now know. The classic retort has been, "My Dad's bigger than your Dad" for several centuries.
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Re: Favourite jokes

Post by Phil Hornby on Wed Aug 21, 2013 1:14 pm

I told his Dad afterwards what the boy had said, and we had a good laugh about it.

Then he shot me, naturally.... Very Happy  
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Re: Favourite jokes

Post by oftenwrong on Wed Aug 21, 2013 5:08 pm

Glad he missed!!
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Re: Favourite jokes

Post by Phil Hornby on Thu Aug 22, 2013 8:36 pm

I thought you might be interested to see the car I bought for my elder son to congratulate him on gaining his Business Management degree this year.



It's the 2005 Renault Clio hidden behind this Range Rover Evoque....( and still newer than his Dad's faithful Xsara Picasso...!)  Very Happy
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Re: Favourite jokes

Post by oftenwrong on Thu Aug 22, 2013 11:36 pm

It won't be you sitting in the back behind the privacy glass, will it then, Phil?
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Re: Favourite jokes

Post by oftenwrong on Fri Sep 06, 2013 9:26 am



Police spokesperson interviewed on BBC Radio:

The cause of the accidents was clearly thick fog.
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Re: Favourite jokes

Post by Ivan on Sun Sep 15, 2013 11:40 am

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Re: Favourite jokes

Post by oftenwrong on Sun Sep 15, 2013 1:21 pm

My favourite joke is the suggestion that a Political Party's Election Manifesto might bear any relationship whatever to what they plan to do if elected.
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Re: Favourite jokes

Post by Ivan on Mon Oct 07, 2013 5:03 pm

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied: "I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week." The florist was pleased and left the shop.
 
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
 
Later, a cop came in for a haircut, and when he tried to pay his bill, the barber again replied: "I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week." The cop was happy and left the shop.
 
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen doughnuts waiting for him at his door.
 
Then a Member of Parliament came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied: 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week." The Member of Parliament was very happy and left the shop.
 
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.
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Re: Favourite jokes

Post by oftenwrong on Mon Oct 07, 2013 10:20 pm

Other MPs simply have their wife cut their hair, since she is on his expenses claim as a Research Assistant for £20,000 p.a.
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Re: Favourite jokes

Post by Ivan on Tue Oct 22, 2013 11:27 pm

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Re: Favourite jokes

Post by Thinking...do be patient on Sun Oct 27, 2013 3:32 pm

A visual joke.
A parody or close to reality for some?
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Re: Favourite jokes

Post by boatlady on Sun Oct 27, 2013 4:37 pm

Perhaps someone should introduce him to some nice young ladies? - clearly he isn't getting out enough
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Re: Favourite jokes

Post by oftenwrong on Sun Oct 27, 2013 5:42 pm

.... adds breathlessness to the word, "coupling", don't it?
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Re: Favourite jokes

Post by Phil Hornby on Tue Dec 10, 2013 7:46 pm

Ok -it's time for my favourite Christmas joke :

A man went into a hotel and just inside the door found Boris Spassky and Bobby Fischer telling each other in loud voices how they were the very best exponents of their discipline that the world had ever seen.

The man went up to the desk and asked the assistant what on earth was going on.

The assistant replied : Oh, take no notice . It's just chess nuts boasting on an open foyer..."

  


Come on - be honest : it is funny isn't it...?        Laughing
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Re: Favourite jokes

Post by Thinking...do be patient on Tue Dec 10, 2013 11:18 pm

There is this little village in old England in the middle of nowhere.
All it has is an isolated branch railway line, a Post Office, and an ancient Norman church and a pub, The Railway Inn.
All the regulars are there (not many as its an isolated place) on a normal Friday night quietly having a few pints and some conversation, when the local village character 'Babbling Bob' enters the bar with a massive smile on his face, this is unusual to see him in such a happy mood as he is usually a miserable fellow and has few friends.
The landlord asks; "What are you so happy about Bob?".
Bob says; "I was walking along the wooded path near the railway line when I saw this woman tied to the rails". "I could not believe my luck and I had my wicked way with her!".
One of the locals with a look of disgust but none the less curious, asked him if he managed to get a blow-job as well.
"No" Said Bob. “I tried, but I could not find the head."
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Re: Favourite jokes

Post by oftenwrong on Wed Dec 11, 2013 11:11 am

"What does Miley Cyrus have for Christmas Dinner?" Twerky.

"What does the Queen call her Christmas Broadcast?" The One Show.

"Why was the Brussels sprout sent to prison?"
Because it was a repeat offender.


http://www.telegraph.co.uk/topics/christmas/christmas-news/10505323/Top-modern-Christmas-cracker-jokes-revealed.html
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Re: Favourite jokes

Post by oftenwrong on Wed Dec 11, 2013 11:27 am



Community Shop in (one-time) South Yorks coalfield.  Not very funny at all
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Re: Favourite jokes

Post by Thinking...do be patient on Wed Dec 11, 2013 12:57 pm

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Re: Favourite jokes

Post by boatlady on Wed Apr 22, 2015 11:25 am

So true
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Re: Favourite jokes

Post by Ivan on Wed Jul 29, 2015 9:29 am

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Re: Favourite jokes

Post by Ivan on Tue Nov 10, 2015 5:33 pm

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked: “What are all those clocks?”
St Peter: “Those are lie-clocks. Everyone who has ever been on earth has a lie-clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move.”
Man: “Oh, whose clock is that?”
St Peter: “That's Mother Teresa's, the hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.”
Man: “Incredible! And whose clock is that one?”
St Peter: 'That's George Washington’s clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that George told only two lies in his entire life.”
Man: “Where's David Cameron’s clock?”
St Peter: “We are using it as a ceiling fan.”
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Re: Favourite jokes

Post by Ivan on Sat Nov 28, 2015 2:52 pm

The new Liverpool manager sent scouts out around the world looking for a new striker to hopefully win Liverpool the Premier League title. One of the scouts informs him of a young Iraqi striker who he thinks will turn out to be a true superstar. The Liverpool manager flies to Baghdad to watch him and is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to Anfield.

Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down to Manchester Utd with only 20 minutes left. The manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and on he goes. The lad is a sensation, scores five goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for Liverpool. The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star.

When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football. “Hello mum, guess what?", he says. "I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored five and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me."

"Wonderful", says his mum, "let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were ambushed and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters, while you were having a great time.” The young lad is very upset: "What can I say mum, but I'm so sorry." "Sorry?", says his mum, "it's your fault we moved to Liverpool in the first place!"
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Re: Favourite jokes

Post by Phil Hornby on Sat Nov 28, 2015 3:19 pm

I went to Sainsbury's this morning for for some pork chops and I asked the butcher to make them lean.

"Which way?" he asked...
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Re: Favourite jokes

Post by oftenwrong on Sat Nov 28, 2015 5:56 pm

 ©xrv.org.uk
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Re: Favourite jokes

Post by Phil Hornby on Sat Nov 28, 2015 6:48 pm

I had to go to the doctor this week after I'd felt faint .

 He advised me to drink a glass of red wine after a hot bath.

To be honest, once I'd drunk the bath, I didn't have any room for the wine...
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Re: Favourite jokes

Post by Phil Hornby on Tue Mar 08, 2016 4:12 pm

As I contemplate a journey by rail to Edinburgh this week, I am reminded of a true story.

I was at Kings Cross some years ago having arrived early , as always , for the Highland Chieftain noon service to Inverness. Being so premature, the platform announcement had not yet been made , but I like to try and spot the likely train which will form the service.

Having felt confident that I had detected it, I thought, to be sure, I would check it out with a uniformed railway employee who was walking up the platform. He told me that I was indeed correct, upon which I asked him if he was certain. He replied : " I should be - I'm driving it...".

I wait for the platform announcements these days... Embarassed
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Re: Favourite jokes

Post by oftenwrong on Tue Mar 08, 2016 11:14 pm

I'm old enough to remember British Rail platform announcements that appeared to be made in Lo-Fi by Donald Duck wearing false teeth and in an echo chamber. The abiding memory of travelling in Scotland was an overpowering aroma of fish at every railway station.
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Re: Favourite jokes

Post by oftenwrong on Sat Sep 17, 2016 11:30 pm

My friend insists he witnessed this in a busy bar on Friday  night:  A customer pulled out a £50 note to pay for his round of drinks but the barman says, "Sorry we're not allowed to take £50 notes because there are so many forgeries around."

Customer then hands over two £25 notes.
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Re: Favourite jokes

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