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Pease Pottage Conservative Club

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Pease Pottage Conservative Club

Post by Phil Hornby on Thu Oct 13, 2011 10:02 am

First topic message reminder :

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News from our modest little home will appear here, from time to time, in due course.

You have been warned.... Smile

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Re: Pease Pottage Conservative Club

Post by Phil Hornby on Tue Jan 12, 2016 4:35 pm

Pease Pottage Engagement News

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The Club is not quite overcome with enthusiasm to congratulate one of its biggest friends, Mr. Rupert Sleightly-Whiffey, the owner of a most supportive local paper, the Pease Pottage Dissembler, on the happy news of his engagement to Ms Matilda St. Dunstan the former wife of Mr Daley Telle-Graf and, previously, the loyal life-partner of a miscellany of other very rich entrepreneurs. The couple are pictured above in a typically-inebriated pose.

The delighted bride-to-be blushed upon telling us that she knew Rupert was the man for her the moment she noticed the size of his wallet and how his presence kept the flies off her sandwiches at last Summer’s PPCC Garden Party.

We wish the happy couple every happiness and a carefully-negotiated and watertight pre-nuptial agreement.

A.Dulle-Scribble
Club Secretary and Best Man for Hire at Reasonable Rates


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Re: Pease Pottage Conservative Club

Post by Phil Hornby on Fri Jan 15, 2016 1:37 pm

Doctors' Strike - Shocking Repercussions...

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A troubling picture is shown above of Club Member, Petula Grasping-Cowe, who has had to seek urgent medical advice, having experienced severe palpitations upon learning that junior hospital doctors have not done exactly what Mr Hunt told them to - an occurrence made not inconsiderably worse by her tragic loss earlier in the week when her grip inadvertently failed and she accidentally dropped a fifty-pence piece in a Salvation Army tin while pretending to offer a contribution.

We send our best wishes for the speedy recovery of Petula's coinage.
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Re: Pease Pottage Conservative Club

Post by Phil Hornby on Sun Mar 06, 2016 8:31 pm

Rarely have things been so fraught at the Club – or tempers so frayed. In fact, matters have reached such a pitch of confusion that some Members have resorted to actually paying their Bar Bills.

Mutual suspicion stalks the halls as hushed conversations take place in corners accompanied by furtive glances at other colleagues performing similar activities in the shadows.  At first one thought that the whole ghastly atmosphere was being generated by discussions about the favourites at the upcoming Cheltenham Festival, but it turns out to be some triviality about the EU Referendum which Mr Cameron has stupidly organised just as the cricket season will be getting interesting.

It appears that some of our number want to stay in this Euro Club, despite it being dominated by a host of troublesome oddities who simply refuse to do just what the PM tells them. Why, rather than having these upstarts come cap in hand to our noble shores, he actually had to go to the trouble of travelling to foreign parts to set out his reasonable demands that Britain should not have to abide by any of those inconvenient rules with which those garlic-perfumed and sausage-eating johnnies have encumbered themselves. It is especially agonising for our Chairman, Hesketh Largely- Bonkers, to know which way to jump  : luckily Hesky is a man with absolutely no principles and is prepared to veer in any direction which may see him on the side of triumph, but he is torn between supporting the Cameron line ( thereby increasing his chances of that much-coveted knighthood) and favouring the line taken by the especially-loony tendency within the Party – of whom there is , of course, a goodly selection and of which he is a fully paid-up member of long standing.

Accordingly, our beloved Club leader has been in deep and meaningless discussions with the likes of long-time sceptic ,Boris Brexitt – Twatt, who asserts that staying with our European chums will entail – inter alia - being nice to Belgians and compulsory holidays in Greece and , on the ‘Stay’ side of matters, influential local farmer, Barnably Oilley-Creepe who is not especially keen to lose all those Euros that keep being stuffed regularly into his pockets for not doing very much at all, aside of the perpetual grumbling about how awful life is for the sons of the soil whose responsibilities force them to return from their Caribbean haunts for as much as several hours each year to attend to vital matters, such as ensuring the farm hands are flogged mercilessly.

Who to support? That is the question, not only for Bonkers, but also for so many of our number who haven’t the faintest idea about just how much the Daily Mail is on this particular occasion truly distorting the facts on the Euro conundrum. While we can customarily follow their patriotic call to arms in a slavish manner, we are confused by the prospect of their being at loggerheads with the likes of a massive intellect which Central Office assures us the Prime Minister wishes he had. For many here, the attraction of following the blandishments from the silver tongues of Mr Gove and Mr Duncan Swine together with other mighty unforgettable talents like Mr John Halfwhittingdale, Mr Lying Fox and Ms Pretty Pathetic is all too persuasive to readily ignore. Oh, the trials of being born to rule!


The informal Club Poll held this week produced the following outcome over the Euro Referendum :

In – 17%
Out – 17%
Shake it All About – 26%
Don’t Know – 12 %
What Referendum ?– 8%
Bloody Foreigners and is the Bar Open Yet ?– 15%
What's in it for me? – 5%

This seems to suggest it’s all to play for and many more sleepless nights for the Chairman as he wrestles with that part of his being where his conscience might have been found had it not been bred out of the Largely-Bonkers’ family genes by years of attending Tory Party Conferences.

Hanging heavily in the air to bring still more tension to the already-vexed dilemma is just what fate might await the Club in the proposed Tory Association rationalisation stakes, should we be seen to lean collectively in the wrong direction. The prospect of being twinned with West Hartlepool has already been hinted at by an anonymous note pushed under the Club door in the dead of night by a fellow caught on CCTV carrying the note concealed until the last moment  by a folded towel  and enclosed in a used brown H M Treasury envelope which when opened unexpectedly gave forth an unusual cloud of some white powdery substance.


All in all, it must be time for a pint of Juncker’s Revenge – a bitter number from the Merkel & Hollande Brewery- not simply to calm the nerves, but also to toast the nuptials of our steadfast chum, Mr Murdoch ( provided there is a ‘No’ vote , of course), who appears to have captured the spirit of the age by this time around marrying some chap called Gerry Hall – a turn of marital direction which some Club Members hope is not made compulsory should we continue to be unwillingly dominated by those pesky EU Directives…
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Re: Pease Pottage Conservative Club

Post by Phil Hornby on Mon Mar 07, 2016 9:36 pm

From the Office of the Club Secretary

STRICTLY CONFIDENTIAL : EU Referendum - Latest News

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Pictured above is Rory Snooper, carrying out surreptitious undercover work on the orders of Mr Cameron,  as he seeks to detect who in Pease Pottage might  be listening behind drawn curtains to dangerous propaganda from the 'Out' Campaign by means of wireless communication.

Under no circumstances should anyone betray Mr Snooper's anonymity by offering him a cup of tea while he is on duty, or draw attention to his skilfully-camouflaged presence by enquiring of him in a loud voice if he is getting a good signal.

Failure to these strict requirements could well lead to the receipt of a stiff note from Central Office and the threat of suspension of offenders' wives from the Club's Easter Bonnet Competition.

A Dulle-Scribbler
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Re: Pease Pottage Conservative Club

Post by Phil Hornby on Wed Mar 09, 2016 1:40 pm

Erratum

The final sentence of my earlier confidential note (which must not be divulged to a soul, lest its secrecy be breached by its appearance and especially by any necessity to thereafter issue an erratum to remedy any error ) contained just such an error.

The missive should, of course, have referred to 'Failure to adhere to ( my italics)...'.

Thank you to the many Members who have pointed out the mistake, shortly before they passed on the details of the highly-sensitive internal memorandum to the Pease Pottage Dissembler which has since posted details in a front page spread and on pages 3, 4, 5 and in a cartoon on page 27  - just below an advertisement for a special offer on Boris Johnson Fishing Gnomes ( in tasteful fully-weatherproof plastic) with an effigy of the Prime Minister on the end of his rod. [Check with our lawyers I can say this]

It is hoped that this tricky matter can be kept entre nous amongst the ten thousand or so people who have inadvertently become aware of our little secret. I have , naturally, dismissed my proof-reader, Ms Lax, in order to try and remove responsibility from myself.

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Re: Pease Pottage Conservative Club

Post by Phil Hornby on Sat Mar 19, 2016 3:42 pm

The Club is a sombre place today, as the sad news emerged of the resignation of one of our true heroes, Mr Iain Duncan Smith.

We know from his many publicity handouts about his enviable record of academic achievement  ( several Firsts from Oxford and Cambridge and a Professorship at both Harvard and Yale)and the ensuing outstanding military career where he attained the rank of Field Marshal. As if this wasn't enough , the great man then graciously entered politics- after much pleading from the nation - and became Prime Minister ( although the actual dates of his tenure do seem to be the subject of some confusion). Having declined the opportunity to become Pope , he modestly satisfied himself with taking up the post of Secretary of State for Cruelty to the Disadvantaged - the job from which he now departs.

Many of our number are agreed that few in the history of the Tory Party have brought quite the same determination to taking so much money from those who required it so much, and it is this sort of talent which will be so sorely missed, and we ask just who can possibly follow in the footsteps of such giant of evil against his fellow man.

Mr Cameron seems to have offered the opportunity to some chap called Lobster - or some such crustacean - to carry on the torment of the poor of the nation, many of whom , according to Central Office and the Daily Mail , have deliberately disabled themselves just to snatch a few quid from the admirable hard-working citizens such as ourselves - of whom many have laboured for as long as three years before retiring to live on our investments or the legacies from rich relatives.

The day can only be cheered by a glass of the Substitute Brewery's Crabb's Ginger Beer -  an offering with promised fizz and a full body, but possibly lacking quite the capacity of recent brews to induce vomiting .
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Re: Pease Pottage Conservative Club

Post by Phil Hornby on Wed Apr 13, 2016 1:06 pm

From the Chairman’s Study

Following several enquiries I wish to make it abundantly clear that I have no intention of following the Prime Minister’s lead by publishing my tax returns. I am convinced that it is nobody’s business that I have declared no income since 1987 and that I am entirely financially-dependent on my good lady who holds all the shares which I hurriedly passed over to her earlier this week once the heat was on. All this can be readily verified by my accountants Messrs Fiddall & Hyde ( whom I clearly do not need since I have no income, as stated) who can be found in Cayman House, Offshore crescent, Pease Pottage ( ring bell twice and give the secret password ‘ bung’ ). Let this statement be the end of the matter.

Furthermore, I should also like to confirm that there is no truth in the rumour currently cruelly circulating that I have had an improper liaison with Ms Trixie Stockingtop – a young woman who apparently offers some form of consultancy services to men of a certain age. As I have mentioned to my wife – just before she made me go and stay in a hotel for the next three months – I made contact with the young woman in question simply to return a postcard bearing her name which I happened upon in the ‘phone box on the corner of Cruiser’s Lane where I believe she must have accidentally sellotaped it to the window. I remember the occasion especially since following my brief meeting with her ( and a rather large fellow who was accompanying her) I discovered that my wallet was unaccountably missing.

( signed ) Hesketh Largely – Bonkers
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Re: Pease Pottage Conservative Club

Post by Phil Hornby on Sun May 08, 2016 4:59 pm

Most Members here at the Club feel that it is only fitting today to express their deep appreciation of Mr Boris Johnson, as he relinquishes his post as Mayor of London -  a role to which he has selflessly committed himself for up to 30 minutes a week for a number of years as he sought to eke out a living from a number of poorly-paid jobs, some of which brought in as little as a quarter of a million pounds a year.

Apparently, there has been some sort of election to replace the great man and the misguided London public - who inexplicably seem to be allowed to choose who should take the mantle instead of leaving the selection to Mr Cameron- have chosen some chap who is more than likely over here as part of the Pakistani cricket team. How the fellow is going to give proper attention to the rigours of the essential duties and manage to open the batting at Lords is a bit of a puzzle, especially as he will doubtless not have the huge mental capacity of his predecessor . After all, how can evening classes at the University of The Punjab possible compare to the educational benefits of Eton and the Bullingdon Gourmet and Restaurant Trashing Club .

We did hear some fuss about a cove who seemed to be called Jack Goldberg who was rightly pointing out that a vote for anybody but himself would lead to an instant Islamic State being proclaimed in Hatch End , but in all honesty most here were far too busy seeking to make sure we obtained tickets for prime position in the grandstand for Derby Day and an invitation to the Champagne Bar, to trouble ourselves with trivia beyond our realm.

The priority today was surely to give one final toast to Boris with a pint or two of Brexit Ale -  a fine number from Gove & Co., Brewers to the Chronically Deluded...
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Re: Pease Pottage Conservative Club

Post by Phil Hornby on Mon Jun 13, 2016 12:03 pm

As the day of reckoning approaches, our almost popular MP, Sir Toby Walletstuffer, has been persuaded to declare his voting intention in the EU Referendum. His decision to support the call for Brexit was announced the day after he received an unexpected visit at midnight by two large men who had been walking their dogs Boris and Priti ( pictured below). When previously pressed on his EU position Toby had been irritatingly sitting on the fence - which is somewhat coincidental as that is precisely where the police found him following calls from his concerned neighbours after hearing snarling, growls , and high-pitched cries of  'Alright, I'm convinced...'

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On another front, Walletstuffer has been having to defend some pretty testing posers on his election expenses. He is insistent that invoices which have been discovered from Ms Cindi Lash (pictured)

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- who seems to style herself as ' Comfort Queen of the Battlebuses' - should not be attributed to his campaign alone , on the grounds that Ms Lash had provided her 'supportive' services'  to a number of prospective Tory MPs. It does have to be said, however, that our chum had imagined until recently that the lady's attentions had been solely focused on Toby's good works, especially since she had issued an assurance that she 'guaranteed a successful election every time'   (although it does have to be admitted that her spelling on this handwritten guarantee was not entirely clear).

Accordingly, it can but be hoped that both the sets of teethmarks which Toby has apparently suffered about his person prove to have been worthwhile in the final reckoning...
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Re: Pease Pottage Conservative Club

Post by Phil Hornby on Sat Jul 09, 2016 5:45 pm

What an exciting time it is to be sure, as we eagerly prepare to  replace that complete flop Cameron who for some unfathomable reason wanted to keep us allied to that rum band of oddities over the channel and far beyond.

During the past few days his portrait  - which had previously adorned the Club’s entrance hall – has mysteriously sprouted a  number of additions, amongst which are a moustache, an amusing goatee beard , a pair of horns and a television aerial protruding from the fellow’s head. Never let it be said that we Tories do not have a keen sense of humour and a capacity for behaving like a bunch of fourth-formers who have just witnessed an unfortunate accident occur to a long-hated maths teacher.

Having learned of the PM’s resignation, our immediate thought was to urge our local MP, Sir Toby Walletstuffer, to throw his hat into the leadership ring forgetting, in our indecent haste, that the fellow could not only be unlikely to find a hat which fitted his head but also that he could not recognise a ring if one appeared before him flashing brightly and bearing a large label stating ‘This is a Ring’.

That option being firmly ruled out, we now appear to have a choice between Theresa May ( that forename looks suspiciously French to many of us , incidentally) and some woman called Angela Loathsome, of whom we have never heard and don’t especially wish to at this juncture.

 Given the brevity of the list of candidates one can only imagine that the Party is putting up a couple of women to hold the fort during those tiresome Brexit negotiations, while we prepare some decent chaps to take over the real task once we have detached ourselves from those awful Europeans and prepare to  - shall we say - ‘export’ all the unwashed sorts who have sneaked into our beloved country in the mistaken belief that our traditional national unfailing generosity, tolerance and welcoming nature extends to  foreigners.

Time for a pint of the Leadsom’s Brewery’s ‘Mother’s Pride’ Ale which,  it is said, is capable of making one spout all sorts of complete spiteful baloney yet afterwards deny completely that such utterances were ever made…
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Re: Pease Pottage Conservative Club

Post by Phil Hornby on Mon Jul 11, 2016 8:51 pm

___________________________________________________________________________________
From the Chairman's Study, Pease Pottage Conservative Club

Dear Mr Johnson  Mr Gove  Dr Fox  Mrs Leadsom  Mrs May

I am writing to congratulate you on becoming elected as Leader of the Conservative Party and most especially the size of your majority..

On a personal note, I never had any doubt that you were the man woman for the job and so much more likely to make a success of the task that any mere woman man who might have mistakenly been elected could possibly have done.

Naturally, in the heat of battle, many hasty views are expressed that melt away quickly once the deed is done and any utterings I may have made that you were just about as suitable as a Prime Minister as would be a wet paper bag were entirely in jest or misheard, whichever you will believe.

While I am writing, I should just mention in passing that I am sure it was at the very forefront of Mr Cameron's mind to ensure that I at last received my overdue Knighthood for long and dedicated service to the Party and various leading distilleries, not to mention my lengthy term as National President of the Tory Obsequiousness Society , of which I was honoured with the title of Grand Bullshitter for the years 1977 - 92 until I made the mistake of being heard calling Mr Major 'a failed bus conductor'.

Good luck for the task ahead - you can be assured of my full and tireless support , so long as it doesn't involve actually doing anything other than turning up for drinks at pointless functions and, for instance, collecting any Knighthoods that may be going spare.

My very best wishes to you, your latest mistress  wife husband - and , of course, all your charming children your cat.

Yours ever

Hesketh Largely-Bonkers

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__________________________________________________________________________________________
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Re: Pease Pottage Conservative Club

Post by Phil Hornby on Mon Jul 25, 2016 3:30 pm

From the Secretary’s Office, Pease Pottage Conservative Club

On behalf of the Club I should like to issue a humble and characteristically half-hearted and reluctant apology to Mr M.E.Grant, whose recent application for Club Membership over the telephone was unfortunately misheard .

The fault is entirely that of anyone but myself and was most particularly caused by lack of attention and maladministration of my junior office assistant Miss Yootha Reckless.

Her feeble excuse that she was simply following a script provided to her by me when she responded to the applicant does not in any way excuse or justify the use of the words: “ We have had enough ME Grants in this country and you’ll be for the next banana boat out, chummy. Please do not darken our doorstep again”. Neither was it appropriate for her to add: “ I suppose you’ve been putting your snout in the benefits trough big time, you feckless leech”.

Obviously some severe action of a disciplinary nature has been taken and, as a result, Miss Reckless has been barred from painting her nails during office hours and is suspended from using the Club photocopier for 3 days   (emergencies excepted such as reproducing those tasty recipes in various women’s magazines).

We are making amends to Mr Grant by way of a generous reduction of £1.50 in his Annual Membership Fee of £250 and offering him a free place on a course entitled 'Speaking More Clearly' to be run at the Club in the near future by Rory Mumble of Dick Head Associates.

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Re: Pease Pottage Conservative Club

Post by Phil Hornby on Wed Jul 27, 2016 6:08 pm

Meanwhile, over at the Foxy Motor Showroom, Shifty Lane, Pease Pottage....

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" It's a nice little runner guv; only 20,000 on the clock and MOT until whatever date I put on the docket, with a full service history since it was nicked last week. It's yours for a couple of grand. No questions asked-know what I mean, squire...?"

NB   Posted here inadvertently - see also on " Is this another Tory scandal brewing?"
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Re: Pease Pottage Conservative Club

Post by Phil Hornby on Sat Jul 30, 2016 6:26 pm

Today at the Club...

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It was most unfortunate that today's 50th anniversary celebrations of England's 1966 victory in the Jules Rimet Trophy over Germany were marred by a visit from the local Police when Cedric Ghoule (pictured above) - an avid collector of football memorabilia which he had brought in as part of the function- somewhat unwisely asked  Miss Fotherington- Botheringham (also shown) if she would like a private viewing of his World Cup Willie, adding that it had not seen the light of day for over 45 years.

The lady in question is believed to be recovering at the local Cottage Hospital and Ghoule's explanation is believed by nobody...

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Re: Pease Pottage Conservative Club

Post by Phil Hornby on Mon Aug 08, 2016 12:22 pm

PPCC welcomes the Olympics...


  Club Members have flocked to the Television Lounge to watch the feast of fun from Rio. Typical of the enthusiasm for sporting excellence was that shown by Tarquin Tosser ( pictured below) as he became fully embroiled in the ebb and flow of the Women's Beach Volleyball...


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Re: Pease Pottage Conservative Club

Post by Phil Hornby on Mon Aug 15, 2016 12:51 pm

The Olympic Thrills Continue......

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Many Club colleagues drank long into the night yesterday in order to watch the efforts in Rio of fellow PPCC member Courteney Bentspoke (pictured above )as he competed valiantly in the Men's Individual Pursuit but was thwarted in his quest for a gold medal by virtue of accidentally dropping his School Cycling Proficiency Certificate from 1954, and having to mend a puncture half-way round the track when a toothpick he had jettisoned on Lap 1, in the hope of impeding his opponents' progress, unluckily entered his own front tyre just before the big final sprint commenced. This disappointment almost certainly signals Bentspoke's retirement from the sport and he has told friends that he now intends to concentrate on his hobbies of collecting bonsai accessories and indulging in gross indecency with squirrels.
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Re: Pease Pottage Conservative Club

Post by Phil Hornby on Tue Aug 23, 2016 2:55 pm

Final Olympic memories...


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We welcome back to the Club our friend Clarence Fullbore-Dumdum ( pictured above in his Games kit)who was part of the successful British team in Rio. Clarence proudly represented the nation in the 'Shoot a Foreigner at 25 metres' Competition, where he finished just outside the medals in 227th place - one place ahead of a one-armed Albanian peasant with a guide dog.

It was a season's best for Clarence and he can be pleased with his final result which, although not achieving any actual fatalities, bagged him a slightly alarmed Frenchman, a neat hole in an Egyptian's fez, a near-miss involving a chap in a turban and an inadvertent minor wound on a passing ferret. Once fully-fit after recovering from a unfortunate self-inflicted injury to his own foot, our chum will immediately start preparing for Tokyo 2020 when he has his sights set ( literally ) on at least severely incapacitating any North Korean sporting an amusing haircut.

We hold our hands up to you, Clarence.

But only until you stop pointing that gun in this direction...
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Re: Pease Pottage Conservative Club

Post by Phil Hornby on Sat Sep 03, 2016 12:26 pm

Today at the Club

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It is encouraging to see much-respected  Member Basil Bludde-Luste  (pictured above) limbering up for the Party Conference , by practising a little harmless neck-biting in the Club's Transylvania Rooms in preparation for his upcoming speech during the 'Let's Kill Benefit Claimants' debate  (kindly sponsored by ATOS and the Daily Mail ) .

We wish Basil all the best and hope that at some point it will be safe to let him out of his cage, once the smell of garlic from the kitchen dissipates...  
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Re: Pease Pottage Conservative Club

Post by Phil Hornby on Tue Sep 06, 2016 12:44 pm

The Club Reacts Sadly to a Human Tragedy...

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Our Club photographer captures above the moment when a group of our members display an outpouring of typical human sympathy for the predicament in which the Labour MP Mr Keith Vaz finds himself. Our friends were heard to express concern along the lines of " There but for the grace of God go ourselves" , " The poor chap and his family must be distraught" and " Serves the old pervert right".

One thing is for sure -we can be confident that no more than a few dozen Tory MPs could possibly ever find themselves compromised in such a fashion...
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Re: Pease Pottage Conservative Club

Post by Phil Hornby on Wed Sep 07, 2016 2:36 pm

Club Members Eagerly Soak Up Brexit Details

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As can be seen from our exclusive photos, the local MP, Sir Toby Walletstuffer, has held a series of informative sessions in our newly-refurbished Bigot Suite to explain the finer detail of what Brexit actually means to the nation, and particularly to our valued Members.

Sir Toby had carried out extensive research on the topic including listening at the keyhole as conversations between Liam Fox, Boris Johnson and David Davis took place in hot-air filled rooms in the Palace of Westminster. Accordingly, he was able to inform participants that Brexit will unequivocally mean that Britain will do something or another, at some date yet to be determined, to say something to our European Union colleagues that we don't really want to be their colleagues at some as yet undefined point in the future, although we don't quite know when - but certainly as soon as possible, if not sooner.

It was also clarified that, as part of the well-mapped process, we don't like having any foreigners in the country unless they make big donations to the Conservative Party and will deport them in their droves to the sound of a stirring 'Go Home' speech by Nigel Farage and a large band playing 'Land of Hope and Glory' as they are piled unceremoniously onto boats at Dover.

Those present were heartened by cast-iron , copper- bottomed guesses by Walletstuffer that the nation would be billions of pounds a day better off once we had cast off our European chains and, even if some estimates during the Referendum Campaign had been marginally exaggerated, certainly the savings would be several hundred quid a year, with any luck and a following wind.

The evening concluded by questions from the well-informed audience including such posers as " What will be the long-term effect on G&T prices in the Bar?". " Do you really have any idea what you are talking about?" and "When can we expect your resignation?". Sir Toby thanked attendees for their interest, and for not snoring too loud, before making a hasty exit through a window as the angry mob approached demanding their outrageous entry fees to be refunded...

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Re: Pease Pottage Conservative Club

Post by Phil Hornby on Fri Sep 09, 2016 12:48 pm

Local Education News

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Hot on high heels of Mrs May's announcement today, PPCC Club Member and local headmaster Mr Abel Cane , Principal of St. Borstal's Academy for the Dangerously Violent, puts forward his case for becoming a Grammar School at the earliest opportunity - and certainly before the pupils  assassinate the Head of Classics and burn down the existing buildings   ...
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Re: Pease Pottage Conservative Club

Post by Phil Hornby on Mon Sep 12, 2016 4:47 pm

Pease Pottage Conservative Club Personalities

Number 1 - Cuthbert Knobbe

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Truly you can't keep a good man down , but instead we have to resort to starting this series with Cuthbert, who has been a Member here since being found wandering in the street on Christmas Eve 1997 wearing a top hat but no trousers and whistling what sounded like the Welsh National Anthem but could have been an impression of sheep on their way to market.

Knobbie's interests include other people's business and ensuring that nobody knows his. He was married to his delightful wife, Griselda, for almost 3 weeks until the unfortunate incident with the choirboy and the banana impacted on the union.

He plays a major part in the life of the Club by being one of the biggest subscribers to the Bar's temptations and while drunken stupor usually overtakes our friend by mid-morning on Saturdays , he can generally be relied upon to sober up by Wednesday afternoon.

Despite claiming to have had a distinguished career with 'the Guards', discreet enquires have revealed that he had in reality only been a porter at Pease Pottage Central until he was discovered asleep in charge of a trolley during working hours...
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Re: Pease Pottage Conservative Club

Post by Phil Hornby on Mon Sep 12, 2016 8:26 pm

Club Personalities

Number 2 - A. Dulle-Scribbler


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Aubrey Dulle-Scribbler, as Secretary of PPCC, is a pillock of the Club ( should this not read 'pillar'? _ AD-S). His sense of bureaucratic duty is such that his only real interest in life is seeking to expand the Club Rule Book from its current 5 pages to at least seven bound volumes and in ensuring that there is no shortage of lead in his propelling pencil. Never one to be seduced by the temptations of the electronic digital age , Aubrey eschews computerisation for his trusty quill pen and leather-bound Minute Books.

He has no hobbies and has never married , although rumours did circulate at one stage during 1976 that he had a slight fancy for Miss Cecelia Grimm, whose father ran a stationer's shop in the town and where our man could expect a generous 20% off bulk purchases of blotting paper and A4 jotters. However , since no proposal has ever materialised we can only assume that - so to speak -  Aubrey's nib has never been invited to the vicinity of Miss Grimm's inkwell.


Accordingly, we are fortunate that Aubrey can be regarded as wedded to the Club,  where he is admired for never taking 'no' for an answer unless it is submitted in triplicate with a correct reference and appropriately filed thereafter...
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Re: Pease Pottage Conservative Club

Post by Phil Hornby on Fri Sep 30, 2016 1:02 pm

Club Personalities Number 3 - Sid Spitter

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For the past 17 years, Sid has manfully taken on the task of managing the Club's football team in the lower ( ok - lowest) division of the local league - sponsored by Pizzup's Brewery ( and so , coincidentally, is Mr Spitter judging by his consumption before , during, and after matches).

Sid is an expert soccer tactician , being notorious for being able to readily impart to his charges no less than 27 means of disabling opponents . When he asks a team member to mark an opposition player, he generally intends that it should be for life.

Such advanced coaching methods have not, alas, brought their deserved success since the team has an unenviable record of never winning a competitive match since 1955. Sid himself has found it difficult at times  ( in truth, for 15 consecutive seasons) to avoid the clutches of the league's disciplinary committee. Unluckily. he has a record of 7 examples of GBH towards visiting team managers ; 5 cases of threatening another club's mascot with emasculation and 103 occasions where he has been sent to the stands ( or, more precisely, an adjacent Nissen Hut) by those referees who were brave enough to see out the game before Sid advanced on them at full-time brandishing a sharp object.

His players are rumoured to be prepared to walk through a brick wall for their manager and , it has to be said, that several over the years have, after a particularly poor performance,done exactly that, having been propelled in the unhappy direction by Sid himself .

Every football boss has their trademark lexicon :  for some it is 'diamond formation' or 'catenaccio sytem of defence', while Sid has liberally introduced the concepts of ' Maiming' and 'A&E tackle' into the game's vocabulary.

We have on occasions asked ourselves whether Mr Spitter is exactly the type who should be associated with a Club such as our own, given his level of depravity and penchant for his brand of distasteful behaviour, but we are assured that he is making every effort to descend still further to parallel our jealously-guarded Tory standards. Indeed , only this week, the local paper - the Pease Pottage Dissembler - alleges that Sid has been caught by one of its reporters- disguised as somebody respectable  - expressing willingness to accept a cash payment and a box of Mars Bars to ensure a 20-0 defeat next weekend. At this stage we cannot believe that this can be true as not even Mr Spitter can guarantee his team's defence can improve so much given recent performances...
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Re: Pease Pottage Conservative Club

Post by Phil Hornby on Thu Oct 06, 2016 4:09 pm

Club Personalities Number 4

Hesketh Largely-Bonkers


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It is rare for a suburban Conservative Club to be able to boast a Chairman of national repute , gigantic intellect and who enjoys the unswerving respect of the community - and we are no exception.

Hesky has been our Chairman for longer than anyone here cares to recall and that may have something to do with the fact that very early in his stewardship he surreptitiously slipped through a vote at an AGM which removed the process for re-electing Chairmen from the Club's mandatory protocols.

The product of a minor public school at which he gained Blues for beating up small and defenceless boys and insulting rival schools' debating teams, Hesketh was seen as ideally equipped to take up a senior role within the Party which required low cunning, rank hypocrisy and a propensity for unashamed lying. Truth be told, it is difficult to identify any part of the Tory family which does not benefit from such a range of enviable skills.

Ably assisted by his loyal PA, Tiffany Scrubber, ( who may feature at a later date as part of this series ) our Chairman is rarely far from the headlines hereabouts, partially, it has to be said, because he owns the local paper- the Pease Pottage Dissembler - and is the cousin of its editor, Basil Smarmy-Groveller.

It has been a disappointment to Hesketh not to have been recognised for his misguided and unthinking devotion to Conservatism. One might have expected at least a Knighthood to have come his way, but he accepts the situation with his usual phlegmatic disposition- as demonstrated by his response when pressed on the subject when he modestly commented : " It is really of no consequence to me , old boy - but if the bastards don't come up with a gong pretty soon, I might well be spilling the beans on a few of the Tory big beasts who the  Dissembler have set up in their notorious 'sugar traps'.

The Chairman's legacy is assured and his good works will at some point undoubtedly be continued by his grandson who will next be featured in this series. It can confidently be asserted that anyone who has doubts about the deeds of Hesketh should wait until his young relative is let anywhere near the Chairman's seat. Therefore, for anyone who feared that the dynasty would end upon H's eventual retirement ( or surprise poisoning , accident with a carelessly greased step etc., etc. ) can be comforted by the prospect of a continued level of insanity which might even cause a commotion in a Pyongyang Citizen's Advice Bureau...
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Re: Pease Pottage Conservative Club

Post by Phil Hornby on Mon Oct 10, 2016 4:33 pm

Important Club Notice

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In the light of recent events elsewhere– upon which we will not elaborate – it has reluctantly been decided to close down the popular and hugely-expensive ‘Locker Room Chat Line’ which has been enjoyed by a considerable number of our male Members for the past few years.

While our own facility has been offered in the best possible taste, the concept has been brought into disrepute by events in another place.

We are confident that no criticism could possibly have been made over the key elements of the erstwhile service which have featured :

* ‘Talk dirty with Theresa’ ( formerly 'Candid Cameron')
* ‘Petunia Flimsy- Blouse does Pease Pottage’ ( no over 50s on medical grounds)
* ‘Locker Room Letch’
* ‘Groping with Gove’
* ‘Fallon in Love Again –what am I to do…?’
* Pretty Priti – the Witch of Westminster soothes your brow’ ( reductions for groups of 6 or more)
* ‘Liam’s Foxy Girls'
*  'Heavy breathing with Boris’
* 'Elizabeth loosens your Truss’ (*supplement payable)
* 'Amber Ruddy and Waiting'

We must express our appreciation to Miss Tiffany Scrubber for her massive contribution in playing so many parts on the said ‘phone lines and commend her for her efforts in attempting a faithful reproduction of  the repulsive deep gasping of the Foreign Secretary. Additionally we thank valued Member Damien Daite- Raype for recording so many ‘Locker Room Letch’ episodes although we recognise that (a) it was a labour of love and (b) no acting was involved.

There will be no refunds of annual subscriptions and any Member pressing this point will find that his partner will immediately be informed of the details of the appeal, with the inevitable repercussions behind closed doors, and a list of appellants will be posted in a prominent position on the Club Notice Board , together with full data of the number of calls made. And we don't want that do we...?

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Re: Pease Pottage Conservative Club

Post by Phil Hornby on Thu Oct 13, 2016 1:30 pm

Club Personalities - Number 5
Crispian Chumley-Pipsqueak


( NB Crispian has insisted upon writing his own account for this series despite being threatened with having Hitler, his pet pony, humanely destroyed)


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Hello – my name is Crispian Chumley-Pipsqueak and I am very important at Pease Pottage Conservative Club as I am the Chairman of the Infant Tory Upstarts. I was not originally chosen for this position, but I stamped my feet and screamed until I was so annoying that they let me have my wish.  My Grandpa – the big Club’s Chairman, Mr Largely- Bonkers – says that’s how he has achieved so much over the years and it has also worked for me.

When I chair my Committee I naturally let my young colleagues have their say before I totally and contemptuously ignore them  and decide to do just what I want. It is all good practice for when I become a Conservative MP, although I still have a lot to learn about how to lie without blushing and being even more horrible to poor people than I already am. Eventually, when I become Prime Minister, I’d like to be regarded as the cruellest person ever to hold that post and most of Grandpa’s friends here say that I am already well on my way!

At my school – St. Brexit’s Academy for the Terminally Xenophobic - I insisted upon being School Captain even though they had never had one before, but they are now glad they have because a lot of the teachers think I have done so well that they say “  Pipsqueak has certainly got above himself” and “ Clearly there is nothing we can teach you, Crispian”. I am not sure about some of the longer and more unusual words of praise they use and so I am still to fully understand what “ Young man , you are an obnoxious and repulsive little oik” means exactly, although they say it with a funny sort of smile on their face .

People often ask me what my policies are and apart from replying “ What are ‘policies?’” , I explain that I am in favour of banning prep , and removing tapioca from the school lunchtime menu and having the school cook, Mrs.Listeria, sacked because with a name like that , she is obviously foreign. I would also support compulsory National Service for anyone who votes Labour, prior to their deportation as a threat to the country’s security ( thanks for this idea, Grandpa). When I am a bit older and get my very own copy of the Daily Mail delivered, I am sure I shall have loads more ideas for simply super things that should be done.

I know you all want to hear a lot more about how clever and interesting I am , but I have to go to my after-school  ‘ Yoga for Young Twisters’ class , but before departing , Papa has said I should ask two questions (a) is there a sizeable fee due for this excellent contribution I have made? and (b) why are you squeezing my throat like this……?

( The Club Secretary writes : We have been informed that we are grateful to Master Chumley-Pipsquesk for his pen-picture and we wish him well for a slow and painful recovery from his unfortunate and totally accidental injury)
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Re: Pease Pottage Conservative Club

Post by Phil Hornby on Thu Oct 13, 2016 2:40 pm

Urgent Notice

Club Members are warned about a current threat posed by the so-called 'Killer Clowns' who are believed to be targeting Pease Pottage. They can be identified by their having an especially Big Top.

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On no account should any such individual be approached, since they are believed to emit considerable amounts of poison, despite claiming to be in favour of a 'Big Society' . Any Member spotting this type of aberration should have a large G&T at the Bar and thereafter call the Police or the nearest circus .

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Re: Pease Pottage Conservative Club

Post by Phil Hornby on Sat Oct 15, 2016 2:04 pm

Club Personalities - Number 6

Gordon Brownboots


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This series could not possibly fail to attempt to forget a former friend of the Club who, until his unexplained and sudden disappearance a few years ago, was the Club Caretaker.

While few –despite his love of ‘Margaret Thatcher is God’ T-shirts-believed that Gordon Brownboots would emerge as a rabid Conservative in the best traditions of the pathological bigot and implacable malcontent to whom the Labour Party represented the very essence of the devil, Brownboots proved himself to be the perfect Club stalwart - combining unswerving loyalty to an unworthy cause with being prepared to work for very little.

It is hard to establish what could have caused this man of humble origins to imagine that he was worthy of sharing the type of superior company which one finds as one of our number. But some put it down to being dropped on his head as a baby by his mother, while others suggest that his demeanour was accounted for by reading too many Sun editorials which formed the wrapping on his fish and chips. These highly credible theories are supplemented by a belief that his addiction to drumming may have had a deleterious effect upon his outsized head and that the constant vibration proved too much for each of his brain cells.

Gordon was the regular organiser of the Christmas Club Raffles and was lucky enough to win major prizes in all but one year of his tenure, which- coincidentally- was the year he was unable to make the draw due to having to attend a meeting of the Ringo Starr fan club.

Since our chum went missing –presumed insane - we have heard nothing of, or from him or his Union Jack underpants – save for a couple of alleged sightings one Hallowe’en Night. Naturally, we hope he is still alive and well, but feel we could just about bear it if he has met a grisly and well-deserved end, having been mauled by a tiger and ...( I think that’s enough for the time being – Secretary)

One thing is for sure: we shall not be so unfortunate as to see his like again, and if we do, it might be several years too soon. It merely remains for us to say – thanks for all your work in the Club, Gordon – and where are the Bar takings which went missing about the same time as you did…?
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Re: Pease Pottage Conservative Club

Post by Phil Hornby on Sat Oct 15, 2016 9:39 pm

Erratum

Gordon Brownboots Pen Picture (  above)


Please note that the reference to  "each of his brain cells" should have read "both of his brain cells"

But you already knew that...
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Re: Pease Pottage Conservative Club

Post by Phil Hornby on Sun Oct 16, 2016 7:01 pm

Statement from The Chairman's Study

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I should like to make it clear, that following the shock publishing of my email to My PA , Miss Tiffany Scrubber, in which I invited her to meet me surreptitiously  in the nearby Country Park after dark to discuss whether she favoured a hard or soft Brexit and to be sure to bring a bottle of something to assist the deliberations, I was merely seeking to  test out whether she understood the whole concept of pulling out unexpectedly.

This cemented my eventual decision about the whole thorny issue of leaving the EU along with the reaction of Mrs Largely-Bonkers whose approach to the matter is that I, like Britain, would be better off seeking pastures new.

Accordingly, while the government will trigger Article 50  next year, my wife has acted more expeditiously by already depositing 50 articles of my clothing on the front lawn as an indication that I should enter the Singles Market.


Hesketh Largely -Bonkers
Chairman


( c/o Flat 17, Philanderer Villas, Legover Lane, Pease Pottage)
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Re: Pease Pottage Conservative Club

Post by Phil Hornby on Mon Oct 17, 2016 6:25 pm

Update and Reminder

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Members will be interested to see the current encouraging donations made  so far to wards to Christmas collection for Eastern European Orphans.

We know that the offering last year of 27 mixed shirt buttons , a punctured bicycle tyre and a copy of the Party Conference Manifesto for 1991 ( signed and annotated by Mrs Thatcher with the words 'Why did they betray me?' and with original tooth marks) was all much appreciated and , while we do not expect such generosity to be replicated in 2016 given the terrible austerity we are suffering personally, we hope to be able to report at least the donation of a few discarded plastic toys from MacDonald's Happy Meals.

We Tories never forget others in the Festive Season , nor ourselves for the whole year.

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Re: Pease Pottage Conservative Club

Post by Phil Hornby on Fri Oct 21, 2016 6:20 pm

Club Personalities - Number 7

Tiffany Scrubber


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Tiffany Scrubber - the Chairman's PA - first joined our happy band  aged 18 when she enrolled on the Chairman’s work opportunity initiative for young people which he marketed as ‘Train in Typing Skills’ ( TITS) and he considered her the best student he had ever encountered . As he said, “ Tiffany has no keyboard skills worth speaking of, but she types delightfully otherwise, especially when she is wearing those low-cut tops which I insisted upon as part of the female staff uniform”.

Of course, in the fullness of time ( about 7 years to be precise) Tiffany improved her competence to the extent that she now can be relied upon to produce up to three letters a day and can take shorthand at several words an hour.  While devices such as dictating machines and word-processing have come upon the office scene, the Chairman still favours the personal touch whereby he invites his PA into his study to take down whatever he desires to articulate.

Such is the intensity of his insistence on concentrating fully on perfecting his correspondence that once Tiffany has been summoned to his presence, the study door is locked to prevent any interruption to his flow and the effort put into his efforts are such that both parties emerge after an hour or so, red-faced with the literary effort expended.

In her spare time, Tiffany –who was educated at Oldham’s St Facebook’s Academy for People with Nothing Better to Do -  likes to pursue her hobbies -including  learning a foreign language ( English, in her case), raising her IQ to double figures and tattoo removal for women who made unwise choices.

Tiffany is not reticent about her eventual career ambitions, not least because she doesn’t know what ‘reticent’ means. However , it is clear that she has always had ‘big things ahead of her’ according to her last annual appraisal from the Chairman, who was dribbling and whose eyes were unaccountably wide at the time of his report…
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Re: Pease Pottage Conservative Club

Post by Phil Hornby on Sun Oct 23, 2016 5:33 pm

Today's Football Results

This morning saw a spirited performance from the Pease Pottage Conservative Club's First XI in the local league ( sponsored by Pizzup's Brewery) when they secured their best result of the season so far in a narrow 0-1 defeat when their opponents - Horsham Hotshots Reserves - failed to turn up - partially due to our Club's Secretary directing our visitors to the wrong venue and at a time two hours later than the appointed kick-off.

Below is a fine action shot of our goalkeeper Freddie 'The Cat' Handslip just failing to prevent new signing , Mick 'Pele' Breakwind from slicing the ball into his own net, in time added on by referee Percy  Cardflasher for an earlier smoking break.

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After the game, Manager Sid Spitter commented : " I told the lads to sit tight on their midfield and play high up the pitch, with the two wingbacks pushing on to feed the strikers breaking into the box, but unfortunately neither the team nor I understood what I was talking about..."

Next week Sid, buoyed by today's showing, will confidently take the team to the ground of Cobbly Rovers FC, which is likely to be a pointless exercise since we are not playing there...
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Re: Pease Pottage Conservative Club

Post by Phil Hornby on Wed Oct 26, 2016 5:57 pm

Chairman’s Apology and Other Matters

It has come to the Chairman’s notice that, following the recent publication of the pen picture of Ms Tiffany Scrubbber – his PA – some readers objected to the reference to his ongoing local employment initiative called Train in Typing Skills ( TITS ) since it suggested – erroneously, of course -that Hesketh had an unhealthy obsession with lady’s chests.

Accordingly, the Chairman has – with immediate effect - amended the undertaking’s name to Britain’s Really Effective And Successful Typing Scheme. He hopes this will remove any suspicion about his motives in setting up the means for local young women to enter the jobs market by showing a pronounced up-front determination.

Secondly, while on the subject of Mr Largely-Bonkers, he has been asked to declare which option he favoured in relation to the choice for London’s additional airport runway, since it had been alleged that he was ambivalent in giving appropriate leadership to the Club in this respect. He wishes to quash any such suggestion and therefore makes it clear that he is fully behind the choice of Heathwick ( or Gatrow at a push ) or, indeed, wherever Boris Johnson will commit suicide by being mangled by a bulldozer to please Mrs May.

We hope this clarifies the position once and for all and demonstrates his bold and brave intention to sign up to whatever will keep him out of the firing line of criticism. Never let it be said that Hesketh is found wanting when it comes to matters of courage or cowardly avoidance of accountability…

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Re: Pease Pottage Conservative Club

Post by Phil Hornby on Wed Oct 26, 2016 8:19 pm

PS The Club Secretary has been suspended sine die for allowing the above statement to be issued with the inclusion of appalling punctuation - ie the reference to  lady's chests instead of the correct plural form  ladies'.

He will not be permitted to return until he has discovered what sine die means...

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Re: Pease Pottage Conservative Club

Post by Phil Hornby on Wed Nov 02, 2016 8:40 pm

Hallowe'en Prize Winners

The Club 's Entertainments Committee are pleased to confirm the  winners of the recent competition :

First Prize - Thelma Orfen-Crabbie, for her impression of Margaret Thatcher on a Broomstick , which caused several of our older Members to weep tears of appreciation for happier days gone by.

Runner-up - Walter Weasel, for donning his devilish Jean Claude Juncker mask and frightening the more squeamish of our colleagues by telling them that he would never allow Britain to leave the EU.

Special Mention - Tiffany Scrubber, for eventually responding to the pleadings of the large number of Members, who demanded a treat rather than a trick, by showing the assembled throng her sizeable pumpkins.
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Re: Pease Pottage Conservative Club

Post by Phil Hornby on Tue Nov 08, 2016 5:19 pm

We are always delighted to welcome new Members at the Club ( subject, of course, to their making the appropriate huge membership payment, guaranteeing to expend large sums in the Bar and passing all the usual preliminary interviews to reassure us that the newcomer can provide the usual level of bigotry and mouth-foaming adherence to Tory policy, however cruel and monstrously unfair).

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Our latest applicant – Mr Ronald Crump ( pictured)-  appeared from nowhere, but instantly ticked all the boxes for us notwithstanding, it must be said, that he does seem to have a somewhat unhealthily over-keen attraction to Nigel Farage whom he appears to hold in even greater admiration than our dear Mrs May. While – entre nous - he is not totally alone in this respect within the Club, it can only be a matter of time before we convince him that, whatever the former ‘King of UKIP’ can offer, the Prime Minister is more than capable of being just as offensive to foreigners and the disadvantaged.

Mr Crump – whose accent at present defies the exact determination of from which of our great English counties he hails – has made an immediate impression by regaling us with tales of how the High Court Judges have ‘rigged’ the determination of the recent Brexit and Article 50 question and by indicating the desirability of ‘building a wall’ to keep out the hordes who pour over the border from Scotland. Amusingly, he also seems to have a plan to ensure that the wretched Mrs Nicola Stirloin will even be made to pay for the undertaking.

What a splendid and resourceful fellow! His ideas are in no way diminished by the slight reservations of the seven members’ wives whose bottoms have been pinched by him thus far, nor by the four complaints of sexually explicit comments of his which seem to have offended female staff . Mr Crump has denied ever meeting the complainants who he maintains are corrupt and says the whole thing has been fabricated to stop him becoming Club Chairman in due course when the present incumbent’s emails prove to contain clear and unequivocal evidence of criminality.

It has not been possible to pin him down on the detail of all this as yet, but we most assuredly will, once we find a way of stopping him talking....
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Re: Pease Pottage Conservative Club

Post by Phil Hornby on Fri Nov 18, 2016 3:40 pm

Message from the PPCC Brexit Information Bureau

Further proof - as if it were needed -  of the excellent  outcome of the overwhelming vote for Brexit, by virtually 28% of the population,  is set out below :

• The pound has rallied to be worth almost 67 cents

• Petrol at Fred Lowe-Octaynes’ local garage is only £2.58 a pint ( no more of those wretched ‘litres’ )

• Marmite is now only £6.25* a jar at Virat E. Kholi’s corner shop (*inc. special 20% price reduction - Fridays only, between 11.45 pm and midnight)

• The French hate us even more than before, closely followed by the Germans

• President Trump has invited Mrs May to visit him if he gets bored during 2020 , but he has another appointment at half-past eight

• Every Nissan motor plant in Sunderland has agreed to stay in Britain for only a bribe of a couple of billion pounds

• At least three foreigners have left these shores in disgust and have only been replaced by 874 who arrived this morning

• The NHS hasn’t quite collapsed yet and we can soon spend  an extra £350 million  a week on it or, indeed, any other fanciful figure which Mr Johnson, Mr Davies and Dr Fox care to make up

• Mrs May has a terrifically clever plan to eventually have a plan about how we should get what we want from those EU chaps by not divulging to them that we don’t have an actual plan at all

• The number of Peerages offered to Mr Farage has been reduced to one

• And finally… the British public haven’t quite yet twigged what a disaster all this is going to be…


Marmaduke Lyon-Toade
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Phil Hornby
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Re: Pease Pottage Conservative Club

Post by Phil Hornby on Wed Feb 08, 2017 3:03 pm

These are momentous and exciting times for us all at the Club : at last the  world appears to have woken up to the certain benefits of brutal leadership on both sides of the Atlantic and to the desirability of making friends with jolly fine chaps like Mr Putin, who we at one time may have mistakenly considered was a real rotter, before President Trumpet persuaded us all of our erstwhile error of judgement.

Members here have so much to enjoy currently. It is now clear that well over 95% of the British population voted for leaving the EU ( our thanks to  D.Trump Polling Data Inc.,  for these splendid figures) and that we shall be shot of the whole rotten bunch anytime soon, once Mrs May ( or Mother Theresa as we are now inclined to call her ) has received confirmation of that terrific Trade Deal with the USA that their new man in charge has promised to deliver to us by next Thursday or at some stage by 2025 at the latest.

As if all this good news were not enough to send us into raptures of a kind not seen since Mrs Thatcher was making Cruella de Ville look like Enid Blyton, we also receive information to suggest that our NHS is achieving the highest success rates ever known by ensuring that A&E waiting-time figures discount all of the thousands of cases where those attending for urgent treatment actually die before they are seen ( nor do they count anybody who has not shown sufficient gratitude for being seen by a doctor during the same week in which they came through the hospital doors. )

Celebration is certainly warranted on so many fronts and raising a glass of Special Relationship, an ale lovingly produced by the Handholders’ Brewery, will provide ample inspiration for anyone wishing to make new friends with people who will only look remotely bearable once a considerable quantity of alcohol has been consumed.

(PS The Secretary has asked me to remind Members that stocks of specially exclusive Conservative Towelling Robes are now available, having been received from our suppliers America First. Each garment proudly bears the motto ’Fake News’ on the lapels. BEWARE similar garments which have been traced to a firm in Scotland – this unauthorised bathroom wear can be easily identified by the lapel motto which reads ‘F**k Youse’ and the offending items are less fluffy than the real robes and have a rather painful thistle sewn into an inconvenient place at the back of the garment.)
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Re: Pease Pottage Conservative Club

Post by Phil Hornby on Mon Feb 13, 2017 4:49 pm

Special Offer - available on Emay, only through the Club

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For Sale -  pair of  lady's tasteful leather trousers. Colour - Old Cow. Worn only sparingly after unfortunate Press coverage. Size - Slightly Porky. Style - Mutton Dressed as Lamb. Condition -some wear on knees after visit to the USA. Manufacturer - Morgan & Sack ( purveyors of overly-expensive garments to overly-rich women - by Appointment to Her Majesty the Prime Minister ). Price new £995 , will accept  £995.

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Re: Pease Pottage Conservative Club

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