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Parliamentary house of comedy

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Parliamentary house of comedy

Post by Misti on Thu Jul 26, 2012 11:33 am

DONT CONDEM US!

Hardly a week goes by without an influx of crazy revelations from our government. One could argue that they have a sense of humour; after all, once the initial shock has died down we find it is replaced by potent hysterical laughter.

Did we hear right? Was he/she drunk? Or are they quite simply nuts?

I guess for the benefit of our educated time-serving politicians, the only believable and acceptable answer would be that they are desperately attempting to lift the British public out of their deep despair born of a nation in recession and depression and inject a unique yet side-splitting hysteria!

And boy did David Gauke (Treasury Minister) rise to the occasion with his recent outrageously wacky comments!!!

It is morally and legally wrong for householders to pay tradesmen in cash for a discount’ he rather pompously commented, whilst magically conjuring away his own rather grand indiscretions.

*So I put it to our ConDem(ing) Government that the ‘said’ David Gauke face immediate promotion to Entertainments Minister!*

Need you question why? Well the evidence, my Lord, or If I’m to stand politically corrected, Prime Minister, is cast before you with such an outpouring of intensely guffaw rendering comments that recent fabricated but rather honestly guessed at polls report Britain is well out of depression, with its people rolling around in the streets with tremulous laughter…

THE EVIDENCE
(Responsive quotes taken from online newspapers)

So let me get this straight, an expenses-fiddling minister who claimed over ten thousand pounds in expenses back from tax-payers to avoid paying stamp-duty, tells us that avoiding tax is ‘morally repugnant’. I’m speechless. Which of course this person was after they had finished laughing their socks off!

It is far too early in the morning to be laughing out this loud. What if he is cleaning your moat? Or installing your duck island? This opinionated character was arrested and taken to the stocks for some good old-fashioned pelting with rotten food and mud! Did I hear you say, you weren’t aware that this was going on in this day and age, well just goes to show you, the media presents a tight-lipped presence under the influence of our uncaring, unsharing government. (The description of stocks and pelting was merely for fictional purposes and to induce humour, much like that of our politicians outlandish statements.)

David Gauke’s wife is a tax avoidance accountant – helping the rich hide 21 trillion in tax havens. These thieving bunch of fascists have no authority… Oh dear, the laughter seems to have subsided before this statement was made!

Lets see now, A Treasury Minister telling US something is morally wrong…Hhmmm…I just do NOT know where to begin with this… Well once you have picked yourself up off the floor and finished laughing, you might just continue and tell us!

And here is one of my favourites, Lol!

Comment: ‘NO! It was people on benefits that caused the economic meltdown’.

Comeback: ‘Yes it was they didn’t spend enough or buy Olympic tickets!’ Hehehe…

Typical Tory ‘blame the victims’ diversionary tactic. Oh yes, forget the 13 trillion being stashed away in tax havens by their greedy, repugnant billionaire mates, it is all the fault of the little man. Poor Joe Bloggs around the corner who pays the plumber £40 in cash. It is all his fault. It is the little man who has caused the meltdown of capitalism not the 0.0001% of greedy, reckless, incompetent billionaires. Unfortunately 0.0001% of the British public voicing their opinion lost their humour after the initial shock had abated.

And mustn’t forget the White Van man who is struggling to earn a living and whom oops, might be accepting cash in hand in return for a slight discount that will come out of his own pocket of course: Is it not morally wrong to stash millions in hidden bank accounts abroad when poor people are struggling to fill their vans with diesel due to the cost of fuel. Rip off bloody Britain!!!

Humour aside, they have valid points and I guess this sums it up…

So compared to the $32 trillion the government’s city friends are hoarding in offshore tax havens, the billions paid to G4S, Serco, the rail companies and others that avoid tax, the cost of paying by cash is nothing. A pathetic attack on the poor again. Cash is what you pay local and small tradesmen, the local businesses that spend money in the local economy. And tax not paid is still money going to the local economy, not the tax dodgers worked by this lying sycophant of a politician and his cronies in the City
.

You see ConDems the people speak with an honest and direct tongue, they don’t elude questions put to them and neither will they roll over and accept the degrading banter spoken by yourselves and aimed in their direction.

Just when I thought you couldn’t possibly be any dumber, you go and do something like this… and totally redeem yourself! ( An extract from the Dumb and Dumber Movie, but so appropriate to the characters running Britain right now.) For as much as their hideous exploits are ousted by the nation, they continue to believe they have redeemed such decisions with their outcome! The whole G4S debacle has ridiculed us in the eyes of the World with its astounding £284 million pound deal to provide security, which they have monstrously failed to achieve. Yet surely our Condem government should take a portion of the blame, after all the success of hosting the Olympics in Great Britain surely falls on their shoulders? No worries, their lowly tactics know no limits with them exploiting the very forces they are set to sack! Our Armed Forces fresh from battle, find themselves balancing their exhausted bodies on chairs in a desperate need for sleep, with little more than a canopy for coverage. These great men are sleeping rough, along with many other security guards and employees of G4S, and without adequate facilities. Yes Prime Minister this is where things truly become morally repugnant!

CLEGG: NATION GRIPPED BY OLYMPICS

Dumber, oops, I mean Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg gave his own little pep talk to Team GB.

Well Cleggy, I am about to use your own words against you in a pep talk that any sane decent human being would heed!

‘You can expect the support of the whole country as you battle to achieve Gold’ Wise words, but what about the armed forces/coastguards/police force/NHS/disabled workers etc who go out of their way, many of them risking lives and going above and beyond for their nation, and every single one of them achieving gold medal status in their duties that you are now disposing of under your cutbacks! Where is your support for them Mr Clegg?

He goes on to preach: You don’t support in normal way, something deeper happens. Our experiences are all tied together and when all is said and done, those experiences will make up a history we all share. The team extends to include even those people out there. There is strength in numbers, something every team player knows. In your most challenging moments. draw strength from the people out there. You embody a nation’s hopes; you have captured its imagination; and the people of Britain will be there by your side, supporting you, every step of the way.’

Hear, Hear, Cleggy! Only my interest is not with the Olympic games but with the true gold medalist’s – our armed forces/coastguards/police force/NHS and the disabled workers you have either disposed of or will dispose of in the weeks following the Olympics. Those proud people who have served you and who have turned the other cheek to what is set to befall them in order to guard the Olympics whilst being treated deploringly. I challenge you Clegg to stand before these very people and direct your words to them, remember and I quote you; “there is strength in numbers, they are the nation’s history and we support them!”

Yes Prime Minister


Cameron: Have you enforced mass redundancies on the nation Clegg, it’s vital we claw back money now for foreign investment?

Clegg: Yes Prime Minister. May I ask, Sir, what are your long-term plans?

Cameron: I’ve had my finger on the button performing eliminations, some say it’s a dirty job but its been quite enjoyable playing God with people’s lives. Thought I might follow in the footsteps of that media mogul, you know the one who’s charmingly arrogant and lets nothing stand in his way… (Cameron lifts his chins, striking a side-on pose in his hand-held mirror)

Clegg: Cowell Sir, Simon Cowell.

Cameron: What will you do Cleggy and why are you wearing that maid’s uniform?

Clegg: I wouldn’t mind sticking around with you Sir, media moguls have a thing for trickster lap-dogs don’t they? (Clegg looks imploringly at the Prime Minister.) Oh and this thing, Sir? (Clegg brushes his hands against his pinafore.) You did say to eliminate public sector workers, armed forces, coastguards, NHS, police force, disabled and the servants, Sir, they are all gone.

Cameron: What all of them? Never mind at least it will recoup finances and if we need them back it will be job creation, just a little juggling of figures and it’ll be fine. No-one will be the wiser. I’m off on my hols now Clegg, my yacht is overflowing with champers and investment types.

Clegg waves his partner off…

The following morning, Clegg is roused from sleep by the PM’s emergency hotline..

Clegg
: Yes Sir Prime Minister?

Cameron: Cleggy, you’d better get your wellingtons on old chap, blasted yacht is sinking fast and we’ve gone and sacked Her Majesties' coastguards…

the end….
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Re: Parliamentary house of comedy

Post by Redflag on Fri Nov 02, 2012 1:51 pm

Mistidebonno, I am sorry I have not seen this earlier your joke about Cleggy and Scam..er..on was SPOT on, your thread is a really good read and very apt I wonder why you have not followed it up you seem to have your fingers on the pulse of this gov't.
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Re: Parliamentary house of comedy

Post by oftenwrong on Fri Nov 02, 2012 5:09 pm

Aesop's Fable: The Frog and the Ox

"Oh Father," said a little Frog to the big one sitting by the side of a pool, "I have seen such a terrible monster! It was as big as a mountain, with horns on its head, and a long tail, and it had hoofs divided in two."

"Tush, child, tush," said the old Frog, "that was only Farmer White's Ox. It isn't so big either; he may be a little bit taller than I, but I could easily make myself quite as broad; just you see." So he blew himself out, and blew himself out, and blew himself out. "Was he as big as that?" asked he.

"Oh, much bigger than that," said the young Frog.

Again the old one blew himself out, and asked the young one if the Ox was as big as that.

"Bigger, father, bigger," was the reply.

So the Frog took a deep breath, and blew and blew and blew, and swelled and swelled and swelled. And then he said: "I'm sure the Ox is not as big as .... But at that moment he burst.



Our elected representatives to Parliament are prone to regard themselves as capable of things which are in fact beyond their capabilities.
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Re: Parliamentary house of comedy

Post by Redflag on Sat Nov 03, 2012 8:20 am

With this shower OW far beyond their intelligence or their capabilities lol!
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