Pease Pottage Conservative Club
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Pease Pottage Conservative Club
by Phil Hornby Thu Oct 13, 2011 10:02 am
First topic message reminder :
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News from our modest little home will appear here, from time to time, in due course.
You have been warned....
[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.] ( hotels-world.com)
News from our modest little home will appear here, from time to time, in due course.
You have been warned....
Phil Hornby- Blogger
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Re: Pease Pottage Conservative Club
by Phil Hornby Sat Mar 24, 2012 12:48 pm
Urgent Chairman’s Message to Club Members
It has come to the attention of the Committee that there may have been some confusion over Mr Osborne’s ‘Granny Tax’ which he skilfully tried to gloss over in his Budget Speech. This is not , as we first thought, a levy to be imposed upon those who have grandparents, and I therefore urge those of you who have entered into formal discussions with Euthanasia’R’us plc to withdraw any agreement you have tentatively made with them with a view to avoiding this potential tax liability.
The same applies to situations where Members have forced elderly loved ones to sign those pieces of paper, drafted as panic reigned, by the Club Secretary during the Budget last Wednesday, and which read : “ I, the undersigned, with my arm up my back, do hereby willingly agree to be put down, at a time convenient to my beloved grandchildren, in order that they fully benefit from any tax avoidance implied upon my dying at the earliest opportunity. PS And they can, of course, have all my cash”.
I do hope that this message circulates as quickly as possible, and in recognition of the urgency of the situation , I would ask all Members to check that colleagues are aware of this Notice’s content just as soon as they have finished their lunchtime drinks, card games, and afternoon naps.
It is with considerable regret that I report that all this is too late for my own dear Grandmother whom we smothered with a pillow last Thursday morning – just as the sun rose and we were telling the milkman not to bother with the pint of Gold Top and six eggs - just in case the supposed tax’s introduction was suddenly brought forward by HMRC.
As a gesture to all those Members’ relatives who are mercifully still with us and who may have been temporarily inconvenienced by our little error , we are holding a ‘ Just Be Glad You are Alive’ evening for them – tickets are competitively priced at £50 per head and include a voucher for a free Memorial Inscription ( max 5 words) from the local undertaker , Des Patch ( Business Motto : ‘We shall all your memories keep, with a headstone nice and cheap’ ). It is indeed a blessing to have such supportive and sensitive local tradesmen at times like these.
Roderic Jollyboy
Secretary to the Club Entertainment Committee
It has come to the attention of the Committee that there may have been some confusion over Mr Osborne’s ‘Granny Tax’ which he skilfully tried to gloss over in his Budget Speech. This is not , as we first thought, a levy to be imposed upon those who have grandparents, and I therefore urge those of you who have entered into formal discussions with Euthanasia’R’us plc to withdraw any agreement you have tentatively made with them with a view to avoiding this potential tax liability.
The same applies to situations where Members have forced elderly loved ones to sign those pieces of paper, drafted as panic reigned, by the Club Secretary during the Budget last Wednesday, and which read : “ I, the undersigned, with my arm up my back, do hereby willingly agree to be put down, at a time convenient to my beloved grandchildren, in order that they fully benefit from any tax avoidance implied upon my dying at the earliest opportunity. PS And they can, of course, have all my cash”.
I do hope that this message circulates as quickly as possible, and in recognition of the urgency of the situation , I would ask all Members to check that colleagues are aware of this Notice’s content just as soon as they have finished their lunchtime drinks, card games, and afternoon naps.
It is with considerable regret that I report that all this is too late for my own dear Grandmother whom we smothered with a pillow last Thursday morning – just as the sun rose and we were telling the milkman not to bother with the pint of Gold Top and six eggs - just in case the supposed tax’s introduction was suddenly brought forward by HMRC.
As a gesture to all those Members’ relatives who are mercifully still with us and who may have been temporarily inconvenienced by our little error , we are holding a ‘ Just Be Glad You are Alive’ evening for them – tickets are competitively priced at £50 per head and include a voucher for a free Memorial Inscription ( max 5 words) from the local undertaker , Des Patch ( Business Motto : ‘We shall all your memories keep, with a headstone nice and cheap’ ). It is indeed a blessing to have such supportive and sensitive local tradesmen at times like these.
Roderic Jollyboy
Secretary to the Club Entertainment Committee
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Re: Pease Pottage Conservative Club
by Phil Hornby Sun Mar 25, 2012 8:08 pm
Attention all local Businessmen!
Don’t tell a soul ( and especially not the Sunday Times) but the Club can offer you the not-to-be-missed opportunity to have lunch and a cosy chat with our very own MP , Toby Walletstuffer, and all for the tempting sum of £250 , plus as many G&Ts as Toby can sink in the ten minutes you will be allowed before the next punter is wheeled in to have his pocket emptied.
Look at some of the testimonials below, including from those who have previously taken the chance to buy a little of the special influence which Toby can bring to bear :
“ Since meeting Mr Walletsuffer my business has gone from strength to strength to closure...”
“ Toby is simply fantastic . He told me so himself, just before he asked for more money or he would have me thrown out...”
“ This remarkable MP has friends in some very high places and although he couldn’t quite recall their names, he did say he would call them on my behalf once his memory improved...”
“ Great value for £250 – few Tory MPs can be bought this cheap...”
“ I have never heard of him and I personally charge a thousand times more for any chancer to get to see me ...” ( D. Cameron)
Applications are bound to be over-subscribed, so if you want any special favours, from a grant to make half your workforce redundant, to obtaining planning permission for that longed-for extension for a mock-Tudor Utility room with ensuite wc , get in quick!
Terms : Cash only in a brown envelope. No questions asked. All in strictest confidence, unless we need to blame you if Toby is found out.
( Please eat this leaflet once you have read it)
Don’t tell a soul ( and especially not the Sunday Times) but the Club can offer you the not-to-be-missed opportunity to have lunch and a cosy chat with our very own MP , Toby Walletstuffer, and all for the tempting sum of £250 , plus as many G&Ts as Toby can sink in the ten minutes you will be allowed before the next punter is wheeled in to have his pocket emptied.
Look at some of the testimonials below, including from those who have previously taken the chance to buy a little of the special influence which Toby can bring to bear :
“ Since meeting Mr Walletsuffer my business has gone from strength to strength to closure...”
“ Toby is simply fantastic . He told me so himself, just before he asked for more money or he would have me thrown out...”
“ This remarkable MP has friends in some very high places and although he couldn’t quite recall their names, he did say he would call them on my behalf once his memory improved...”
“ Great value for £250 – few Tory MPs can be bought this cheap...”
“ I have never heard of him and I personally charge a thousand times more for any chancer to get to see me ...” ( D. Cameron)
Applications are bound to be over-subscribed, so if you want any special favours, from a grant to make half your workforce redundant, to obtaining planning permission for that longed-for extension for a mock-Tudor Utility room with ensuite wc , get in quick!
Terms : Cash only in a brown envelope. No questions asked. All in strictest confidence, unless we need to blame you if Toby is found out.
( Please eat this leaflet once you have read it)
Phil Hornby- Blogger
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Re: Pease Pottage Conservative Club
by Phil Hornby Sat Apr 07, 2012 5:33 pm
The Club , as ever at Easter time, turns its attention to remembering what the holiday period is truly all about. Yes, at this special time of the year we all take stock of whether we have all used our full ISA allowances and, just as importantly, made maximum profits from the sale of novelty chocolate items which we sell at inflated prices to local underprivileged children via our stall in the Car Park .
We do appear to have done especially well this year, having price-squeezed our supplier in Rumania with threats of severing links with his cheap chocolate factory in the Bucharest Orphanage , while marking up the price to local punters having, naturally, obscured the sell-by dates ( October 2001) from the aforementioned confectionery. We are confident that such action has no health implications for the local ragamuffins on the basis that we have experienced fewer than a dozen chocolate-related fatalities in the last five years.
With prices appearing generous for the attractively-named items ( eg The Cameron Choccy-Rocketship : price £3.75 or the Cleggy Cream-filled Eggy – an especially sickly and cheap offering at only £2.50 ) the queues were significant and we were able to issue those waiting with all sorts of leaflets informing the kiddies of the perils of the Labour Party whom so many of their parents support. It is amazing how easily scared the modern pre-teen is these days by any suggestion that those horrible Socialists will remove them from the family home and send them to forced labour in places like Grimsby ( wherever that is).
Anyway, once the sobbing abated and the tears had dried , stocks of the goodies had been successfully sold and we counted the cash with customary delight. Such was the level of takings that we are now able to contemplate funding that new neon flashing sign for the drive leading to the Club entrance which will bear the welcoming message : ‘ Keep Out- Non-Members will be Shot on Sight’.
I was hoping for a few pints of Maude’s Brewery Gaffe Guzzler, but an early saunter home may be called for since one feels slightly queasy – I rather fancy a bar of that Ceauşescu Crunchie Delight with its tempting purple grit filling -which I stole from a passing ragged tyke - may have been a less than wise choice ...
We do appear to have done especially well this year, having price-squeezed our supplier in Rumania with threats of severing links with his cheap chocolate factory in the Bucharest Orphanage , while marking up the price to local punters having, naturally, obscured the sell-by dates ( October 2001) from the aforementioned confectionery. We are confident that such action has no health implications for the local ragamuffins on the basis that we have experienced fewer than a dozen chocolate-related fatalities in the last five years.
With prices appearing generous for the attractively-named items ( eg The Cameron Choccy-Rocketship : price £3.75 or the Cleggy Cream-filled Eggy – an especially sickly and cheap offering at only £2.50 ) the queues were significant and we were able to issue those waiting with all sorts of leaflets informing the kiddies of the perils of the Labour Party whom so many of their parents support. It is amazing how easily scared the modern pre-teen is these days by any suggestion that those horrible Socialists will remove them from the family home and send them to forced labour in places like Grimsby ( wherever that is).
Anyway, once the sobbing abated and the tears had dried , stocks of the goodies had been successfully sold and we counted the cash with customary delight. Such was the level of takings that we are now able to contemplate funding that new neon flashing sign for the drive leading to the Club entrance which will bear the welcoming message : ‘ Keep Out- Non-Members will be Shot on Sight’.
I was hoping for a few pints of Maude’s Brewery Gaffe Guzzler, but an early saunter home may be called for since one feels slightly queasy – I rather fancy a bar of that Ceauşescu Crunchie Delight with its tempting purple grit filling -which I stole from a passing ragged tyke - may have been a less than wise choice ...
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Re: Pease Pottage Conservative Club
by Phil Hornby Tue May 15, 2012 11:13 am
A Message from Toby Lyemonger ( Chair - Propaganda Committee)
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Er..yes..hello. I've been asked by the Club Chairman ( who is still unfortunately hors de combat after his recent sterling efforts to prevent ballot papers from reaching a number of Counts by eating large quantities of them) to address all Members to seek to raise spirits after the recent drubbing at the local elections. Of course, we must not show to the world any suggestion of bowing in defeat, but to plough on with the futile whopper that the unmitigated disaster was merely a mid-term blip of insignificant proportions. Indeed,there was much cause for optimism as we managed to hang on to one Parish Councillor in the Wetleg Ward in Much-Piddling-in-the-Trousers.
As a Club we must stand tall and display the traditional bold Tory response at such times of trouble. That, as usual, entails finding somebody else to blame for the tribulations and we have , in this respect, a ready-made scapegoat in our LibDem colleagues who are patently at fault for besmirching the good name of all Tory candidates by the multitude of dreadful errors they have made in the Coalition Government .
Some of the local Liberal councillors who were seeking to defend their seats even went as far as describing themselves on ballot papers in terms which would make them appear to be more appealing to voters than belonging to Clumsy Clegg's Party- for example 'child-molester', 'violent rapist' ' drug dealer'and ' pornography purveyor', but , alas, all to no avail ,as the candidates totalled only as many votes as they could manage by their multiple postal-voting efforts.
Accordingly, for the first time in Club Members' memory ( about 3 days in most cases, truth be told) we have Hung Councils in what used to be a swathe of blue as far as the eye could see with the most powerful of telescopes. This means that we are in the unenviable position of having to speak with, shall we say, 'ordinary' people who have been handed reins of power by an unsuspecting public who, doubtless, will quickly and clearly suffer by not having the benefit of enjoying the customary range of Tory representatives to milk council budgets for pet projects and huge personal expenses of the Lord Hanningfield magnitude. The world as we knew it is temporarily suspended . Already the local populace are regretting their decisions , judging by those who appear outside our windows carrying placards and banners bearing supportive messages such as ' Bad Luck, you Bastards', ' We are the Masters Now' and ' Come in Cameron - Your Time is Up'.
I do hope my little billet-doux herewith has cheered you from your gloom. After all, things could be worse - and probably will be anytime soon, once the next Recession arrives and the Leveson Enquiry has trundled on and the various shifty witnesses have been caught out by that QC fellow Mr Jay, and shown up Cameron even more.
( Note to Club Secretary - was this what you had in mind as the sort of 'morale -raising pick-me-up' of which you spoke? Is the cheque in the post?....)
Last edited by Phil Hornby on Thu Nov 29, 2012 9:06 pm; edited 2 times in total
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Re: Pease Pottage Conservative Club
by Phil Hornby Fri May 18, 2012 3:47 pm
Young Conservatives News
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The Club is always anxious to organise stimulating events for its younger Members, and this week we had an exciting session run by Algy Groper (pictured) who gave a demonstration entitled ' Canvassing for Beginners' , at which he demonstrated, with some innovative visual aids, how to win over reluctant voters. We have not heard whether he has yet been released by the Police after they arrived unexpectedly at the Club and removed a number of items , including a bicycle pump ...
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The Club is always anxious to organise stimulating events for its younger Members, and this week we had an exciting session run by Algy Groper (pictured) who gave a demonstration entitled ' Canvassing for Beginners' , at which he demonstrated, with some innovative visual aids, how to win over reluctant voters. We have not heard whether he has yet been released by the Police after they arrived unexpectedly at the Club and removed a number of items , including a bicycle pump ...
Phil Hornby- Blogger
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Join date : 2011-10-07
Location : Drifting on Easy Street
Re: Pease Pottage Conservative Club
by Phil Hornby Tue Jun 12, 2012 4:32 pm
From the Office of the Prime Minister
10 Downing Street
Dear Colleagues,
I felt I simply had to write to say thank you on behalf of Samantha and myself for returning our daughter to us recently.
We had no idea that she had been wandering around the Pease Pottage Conservative Club for the past three weeks, although we noticed she had not been seen about here much since early May. Naturally we thought she was in the Library looking at past copies of Hansard and , to be honest, Sam and I have been especially busy lately, what with all the visits to pubs for Sunday lunch and the like, it's amazing just how things can slip one's mind. Take my secret meetings and telephone conversations with Mr Murdoch , for example : by the time I get to the Leveson Inquiry I feel sure I shall have forgotten everything about them.
Anyway, as a token of my gratitude for the safe return of our little angel - whose name temporarily escapes me - I am graciously arranging for your Club to be allowed to display a sign over your front door bearing the legend ' By Appointment to the Rt. Hon. David Cameron'. This facility should only cost you all about £500 + VAT and as soon as your cash ( no cheques please ) arrives I shall grant the necessary permission.
Yours faithfully
David Cameron ( but you can call me 'Sir')
PS : If you should find any other of my offspring loitering in your premises, please ring me immediately- I haven't checked exact numbers of them here recently...
10 Downing Street
Dear Colleagues,
I felt I simply had to write to say thank you on behalf of Samantha and myself for returning our daughter to us recently.
We had no idea that she had been wandering around the Pease Pottage Conservative Club for the past three weeks, although we noticed she had not been seen about here much since early May. Naturally we thought she was in the Library looking at past copies of Hansard and , to be honest, Sam and I have been especially busy lately, what with all the visits to pubs for Sunday lunch and the like, it's amazing just how things can slip one's mind. Take my secret meetings and telephone conversations with Mr Murdoch , for example : by the time I get to the Leveson Inquiry I feel sure I shall have forgotten everything about them.
Anyway, as a token of my gratitude for the safe return of our little angel - whose name temporarily escapes me - I am graciously arranging for your Club to be allowed to display a sign over your front door bearing the legend ' By Appointment to the Rt. Hon. David Cameron'. This facility should only cost you all about £500 + VAT and as soon as your cash ( no cheques please ) arrives I shall grant the necessary permission.
Yours faithfully
David Cameron ( but you can call me 'Sir')
PS : If you should find any other of my offspring loitering in your premises, please ring me immediately- I haven't checked exact numbers of them here recently...
Phil Hornby- Blogger
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Re: Pease Pottage Conservative Club
by Phil Hornby Thu Aug 02, 2012 12:25 pm
Frankly, we are not sure what to make of these Olympic Games . The Opening Ceremony was suitably quaint with its nostalgic celebration of all those things which used to be found in Britain - mills, green and pleasant countryside and a National Health Service. We were really all looking out for a few reminders of how we Brits took over half the world and put those foreigners in their place, but that Leftie Boyle chap obviously got his priorities wrong.
Nevertheless ,it was good to see all those athletes eager to parade before Mr Cameron and to pay tribute to what a splendid job he is doing for the world, although we felt that The Queen should have acted a little more discreetly , since her rather over-played aerial arrival appeared to be designed to take the limelight away from the Prime Minister, who had been gracious enough to let her make the Opening Speech.
Now the festivities are underway we note the rather disapponting lack of medals for the British Team and this is clearly the fault of the last Labour Government - and possibly the LibDems, depending upon whether they shut up about Lords' Reform. However, we do seem to have had some success in the cycling events and this is entirely due to the incredibly brilliant strategy of Mr Osborne to get the nation's youth on two wheels by making the cost of motoring so high . Credit must also go to Mr Norman Tebbit who has for years advocated the use of the bicycle . It all goes to prove that it is we Tories who have our hands on the pulse of the nation - not to mention its throat.
Club Members have been reluctant to indulge in too much televised Olympic activity since it is somewhat unpalatable to keep seeing those other nation's competitors displaying such bad manners as to scoop all the glory by being better than their hosts. Having said this, we have been avid watchers of the Women's Beach Volleyball and two of our Antipodean cousins - Raeleen Megaknockas and Sheila Pertass - have proved to be especial favourites of the Members' Lounge. We have no idea of the rules of the game but we have sought to 'bone-up' on them by watching replays of the matches on thirty-seven occasions. During matches, some Members have even ceased drinking for several minutes while they discussed tactics, polished the lenses on their binoculars and wiped the dribble from their mouths.
Anyway, time now, one feels, for a spot more synchronised drinking and a pint or two of Wiggins' Pedalpower - a middle-of-the-road beverage designed to put a spoke in one's wheel, if you get my drift...
Nevertheless ,it was good to see all those athletes eager to parade before Mr Cameron and to pay tribute to what a splendid job he is doing for the world, although we felt that The Queen should have acted a little more discreetly , since her rather over-played aerial arrival appeared to be designed to take the limelight away from the Prime Minister, who had been gracious enough to let her make the Opening Speech.
Now the festivities are underway we note the rather disapponting lack of medals for the British Team and this is clearly the fault of the last Labour Government - and possibly the LibDems, depending upon whether they shut up about Lords' Reform. However, we do seem to have had some success in the cycling events and this is entirely due to the incredibly brilliant strategy of Mr Osborne to get the nation's youth on two wheels by making the cost of motoring so high . Credit must also go to Mr Norman Tebbit who has for years advocated the use of the bicycle . It all goes to prove that it is we Tories who have our hands on the pulse of the nation - not to mention its throat.
Club Members have been reluctant to indulge in too much televised Olympic activity since it is somewhat unpalatable to keep seeing those other nation's competitors displaying such bad manners as to scoop all the glory by being better than their hosts. Having said this, we have been avid watchers of the Women's Beach Volleyball and two of our Antipodean cousins - Raeleen Megaknockas and Sheila Pertass - have proved to be especial favourites of the Members' Lounge. We have no idea of the rules of the game but we have sought to 'bone-up' on them by watching replays of the matches on thirty-seven occasions. During matches, some Members have even ceased drinking for several minutes while they discussed tactics, polished the lenses on their binoculars and wiped the dribble from their mouths.
Anyway, time now, one feels, for a spot more synchronised drinking and a pint or two of Wiggins' Pedalpower - a middle-of-the-road beverage designed to put a spoke in one's wheel, if you get my drift...
Phil Hornby- Blogger
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Join date : 2011-10-07
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Re: Pease Pottage Conservative Club
by Phil Hornby Fri Aug 24, 2012 9:45 pm
It’s been an exciting 48 hours at the Club as Members celebrate the examination successes of their families’ younger members. Take mine, for example – those two nephews have achieved results which were clearly been so notable that the examiners cannot even begin to categorise their brilliance and , accordingly, all their outcomes have been ‘ungraded’. Truly these are the gateway to Oxbridge –but only if accompanied, apparently, by a pleading letter from the Club Chairman and a stunningly large cheque.
Not that one likes to boast, of course – not like that crashing bore, Henry Bragger, for example, who tells anyone who will listen of his son’s promotion at the local Constabulary to the rank of Superintendent at the age of only 30. In a fit of considerable pique, I very nearly reminded him of the enviable record of my own niece who, at the tender age of merely 15, has already helped the Police with their enquiries on more than one occasion. However, whenever I allude to this at family gatherings, she appears strangely reticent to accept my unalloyed praise.
Ah well, who understands the young these days as they waste their precious opportunities at the various seats of learning? If only they had not been denied the benefits which we used to have, such as regular beatings and compulsory games afternoons on frozen playing fields , before a detention back in a dusty school hall until 10 pm - a punishment involving the marathon reciting of endings of Latin 5th declension nouns, supervised by heavily-armed prefects . All jolly good fun despite the occasional accidental death from a stray bullet from a passing trigger-happy Sixth-form boarder -and character-building stuff which has made us the unrestrained sadistic bullies we are today!
Surely such reminiscences call for a pint of Gove’s Gradecutter - a tipple which appears designed to bring total disappointment however much effort has been put into its preparation - or my name’s not Philip Hornby , GCE (failed)...
Not that one likes to boast, of course – not like that crashing bore, Henry Bragger, for example, who tells anyone who will listen of his son’s promotion at the local Constabulary to the rank of Superintendent at the age of only 30. In a fit of considerable pique, I very nearly reminded him of the enviable record of my own niece who, at the tender age of merely 15, has already helped the Police with their enquiries on more than one occasion. However, whenever I allude to this at family gatherings, she appears strangely reticent to accept my unalloyed praise.
Ah well, who understands the young these days as they waste their precious opportunities at the various seats of learning? If only they had not been denied the benefits which we used to have, such as regular beatings and compulsory games afternoons on frozen playing fields , before a detention back in a dusty school hall until 10 pm - a punishment involving the marathon reciting of endings of Latin 5th declension nouns, supervised by heavily-armed prefects . All jolly good fun despite the occasional accidental death from a stray bullet from a passing trigger-happy Sixth-form boarder -and character-building stuff which has made us the unrestrained sadistic bullies we are today!
Surely such reminiscences call for a pint of Gove’s Gradecutter - a tipple which appears designed to bring total disappointment however much effort has been put into its preparation - or my name’s not Philip Hornby , GCE (failed)...
Phil Hornby- Blogger
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Re: Pease Pottage Conservative Club
by Phil Hornby Mon Sep 17, 2012 9:39 pm
Roll Up, Roll Up! For one night only ( if we’re lucky) - a great attraction for the Kiddies....
Pease Pottage Conservative Club is reluctant to present the Great Gobbo with his pet chimp, Tosh ( aka ‘The Ape which knows simply everything’).
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Marvel at the hilarious antics of this almost-human act, as Gobbo seeks to keep the cheeky Tosh in order while the pesky primate constantly chatters in a totally haphazard manner while stuffing bananas up his bottom – and eventually, for a stunning finale - his head, too! These rascals are so inseparable that you could believe they are one and the same!
This is an occasion which you will never forget – however hard you may subsequently try – so don’t delay and order your tickets today ( obtainable from the Club or any good pet shop).
Proceeds from the evening will go to the Pease Pottage Home for Insufferable Egomaniacs.
Pease Pottage Conservative Club is reluctant to present the Great Gobbo with his pet chimp, Tosh ( aka ‘The Ape which knows simply everything’).
[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]
Marvel at the hilarious antics of this almost-human act, as Gobbo seeks to keep the cheeky Tosh in order while the pesky primate constantly chatters in a totally haphazard manner while stuffing bananas up his bottom – and eventually, for a stunning finale - his head, too! These rascals are so inseparable that you could believe they are one and the same!
This is an occasion which you will never forget – however hard you may subsequently try – so don’t delay and order your tickets today ( obtainable from the Club or any good pet shop).
Proceeds from the evening will go to the Pease Pottage Home for Insufferable Egomaniacs.
Phil Hornby- Blogger
- Posts : 4002
Join date : 2011-10-07
Location : Drifting on Easy Street
Re: Pease Pottage Conservative Club
by Phil Hornby Tue Oct 30, 2012 5:23 pm
Seems like quite a time since I visited the Club, what with having that new monster extension built under these cracking new building regulations which allow one to annoy neighbours who may have voted Labour at some point in the distant past. After all, if a chap can’t manage to shed light on their political choices, he may as well deny them any in their conservatory, eh!
According to those in the know, we Tories seem to have had a stunningly great time of it lately. Britain is booming again with 0.00000002% growth last month in the local greengrocer’s who sold three extra cucumbers, and Cameron has wowed the nation by only having to make a couple of dozen u-turns and ensuring that the fellow with the bike who miffed those jumped-up police in Downing Street was given his cycle-clips and told to hasten forth . The silver lining, of course, was to allow another Old Etonian to replace him and keep up the suitably upper-crust profile of the Government which was in danger of losing its way by virtue of having too many people who didn’t inherit money to get where they are.
However, there are some strangely nervous folk around and about the Smoking Room at present. Mainly it is those coves who are usually to be found organising some event or another in our Jimmy Savile Suite ( sponsored by Porn-u-like Publications ). They have seemed to be meeting with some success in attracting a number of young people into the Club , presumably for purposes of broadening their exposure to all that we Conservatives have to offer, although I must express some surprise that there is a need for such heavy curtains in the room and that they should find the need to draw them during daylight hours. Several padlocks on the inside of the doors seems a trifle rum too, but no doubt it is all in a good cause and Horace Teengroomer seems a jolly nice sort with his interest in the youth of the area.
The bar is alive with chat about the upcoming Police Commissioner elections where we hope to see our candidate, Hartley Taser –Gunne, triumph. ‘Hard-Nosed Hartley ‘,as he was known at his alma mater, St. Cruel’s College for the Sons of The Mentally-Challenged ,is a man who will return us to the halcyon days of Police brutality and hanging if anyone can. He softened his stance a few years back by insisting that capital punishment should only follow a trial, but he has restored our faith by conceding that Court processes are all too bureaucratic and that cash must be saved for more urgent causes like tax cuts for those with double-barrelled names.
With Autumn approaching we look forward to nights in, in front of the fire with our special loved one and hoping that the little woman doesn’t return home too early from the Tory Wives’ Crochet & Benefit Cheats Identification Club (Chairwoman :Selina Snitch ). With that distinct chill in the air I am certainly planning to get roasting my nuts on every possible occasion though , upon mentioning this to the Chairman’s daughter, I was unaccountably misunderstood and had to make a hasty exit with the threat of blackballing ringing in my ears...
According to those in the know, we Tories seem to have had a stunningly great time of it lately. Britain is booming again with 0.00000002% growth last month in the local greengrocer’s who sold three extra cucumbers, and Cameron has wowed the nation by only having to make a couple of dozen u-turns and ensuring that the fellow with the bike who miffed those jumped-up police in Downing Street was given his cycle-clips and told to hasten forth . The silver lining, of course, was to allow another Old Etonian to replace him and keep up the suitably upper-crust profile of the Government which was in danger of losing its way by virtue of having too many people who didn’t inherit money to get where they are.
However, there are some strangely nervous folk around and about the Smoking Room at present. Mainly it is those coves who are usually to be found organising some event or another in our Jimmy Savile Suite ( sponsored by Porn-u-like Publications ). They have seemed to be meeting with some success in attracting a number of young people into the Club , presumably for purposes of broadening their exposure to all that we Conservatives have to offer, although I must express some surprise that there is a need for such heavy curtains in the room and that they should find the need to draw them during daylight hours. Several padlocks on the inside of the doors seems a trifle rum too, but no doubt it is all in a good cause and Horace Teengroomer seems a jolly nice sort with his interest in the youth of the area.
The bar is alive with chat about the upcoming Police Commissioner elections where we hope to see our candidate, Hartley Taser –Gunne, triumph. ‘Hard-Nosed Hartley ‘,as he was known at his alma mater, St. Cruel’s College for the Sons of The Mentally-Challenged ,is a man who will return us to the halcyon days of Police brutality and hanging if anyone can. He softened his stance a few years back by insisting that capital punishment should only follow a trial, but he has restored our faith by conceding that Court processes are all too bureaucratic and that cash must be saved for more urgent causes like tax cuts for those with double-barrelled names.
With Autumn approaching we look forward to nights in, in front of the fire with our special loved one and hoping that the little woman doesn’t return home too early from the Tory Wives’ Crochet & Benefit Cheats Identification Club (Chairwoman :Selina Snitch ). With that distinct chill in the air I am certainly planning to get roasting my nuts on every possible occasion though , upon mentioning this to the Chairman’s daughter, I was unaccountably misunderstood and had to make a hasty exit with the threat of blackballing ringing in my ears...
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Re: Pease Pottage Conservative Club
by Phil Hornby Tue Nov 13, 2012 5:02 pm
From the Study of the Club Chairman
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My secretary, Ms Tiffany Scrubber, has reminded me that, with the recent tribulations besetting the BBC, now is a particularly propitious moment for Members to add to ‘Auntie’s' misery by contacting that diseased body to make complaints about the over-blown and hugely-biased operation they run.
For those colleagues who are unable to summon the energy to adopt the usual practice of making something up about which to grizzle – or those who may otherwise wish to avoid the troublesome business of actually finding any salient facts- my personal assistant , Gerald Sneering-Toffe, has generated the following jolly good topics about which to raise grievances. Feel free to bemoan the Beeb for :
*having its journalists ask awkward questions of Mr Cameron;
* broadcasting pictures of Theresa May which make her appear to be an even uglier old trout than she already is;
*showing Nadine Dorries in the jungle ( actually on ITV , but what’s a small fib between friends?);
*not allowing all five seats on Question Time to be filled with Tory mouthpieces;
*failing to mention Pease Pottage on air for 27 years ( save for the 1990 documentary entitled ‘Places You Must Avoid ‘)
All thoroughly urgent issues, I'm sure you'll agree, although,naturally, I should be pleased to receive any other suitable suggestions, and anyone wishing to contribute should come to my study ( knock loudly and wait, in case Ms Scrubber is in action with her shorthand notebook and is taking something down for me).
Hesketh Largely-Bonkers
Chairman (and President of the Local Branch of ‘Let’s Smash the BBC’ ( prop, R.Murdoch) )
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My secretary, Ms Tiffany Scrubber, has reminded me that, with the recent tribulations besetting the BBC, now is a particularly propitious moment for Members to add to ‘Auntie’s' misery by contacting that diseased body to make complaints about the over-blown and hugely-biased operation they run.
For those colleagues who are unable to summon the energy to adopt the usual practice of making something up about which to grizzle – or those who may otherwise wish to avoid the troublesome business of actually finding any salient facts- my personal assistant , Gerald Sneering-Toffe, has generated the following jolly good topics about which to raise grievances. Feel free to bemoan the Beeb for :
*having its journalists ask awkward questions of Mr Cameron;
* broadcasting pictures of Theresa May which make her appear to be an even uglier old trout than she already is;
*showing Nadine Dorries in the jungle ( actually on ITV , but what’s a small fib between friends?);
*not allowing all five seats on Question Time to be filled with Tory mouthpieces;
*failing to mention Pease Pottage on air for 27 years ( save for the 1990 documentary entitled ‘Places You Must Avoid ‘)
All thoroughly urgent issues, I'm sure you'll agree, although,naturally, I should be pleased to receive any other suitable suggestions, and anyone wishing to contribute should come to my study ( knock loudly and wait, in case Ms Scrubber is in action with her shorthand notebook and is taking something down for me).
Hesketh Largely-Bonkers
Chairman (and President of the Local Branch of ‘Let’s Smash the BBC’ ( prop, R.Murdoch) )
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Re: Pease Pottage Conservative Club
by Phil Hornby Thu Nov 15, 2012 9:12 pm
Urgent Notice to Members from the Club's Legal Advisers
It has been brought to our notice that some Members have been overheard in the Bar making reference to a number of dignitaries in a manner which could be regarded as defamatory and slanderous.
In particular, there is speculation that the Master of the Hunt, Colonel Shirte-Llyfter, had an unnatural relationship with a yorkshire terrier in the years immediately after the Second World War. The spreading of such rumours should cease immediately. This is on two grounds : first the Colonel is of considerable financial means and could sue the Club for vicarious liability and, second, the dog in question was a corgi.
It is additionally crucial to note that allegations that Michael Gove is a perfectly normal human being who is fully in possession of all his senses is so conspicuously a falsehood that no further reference to it should be risked.
We hope this information is of assistance and that, in this connection, our enclosed bill for the sum of £25,000 (+VAT) meets with the Finance Committee's approval.
Payup & Lookbig
Solicitors
Grasping Chambers
Greed Street
Pease Pottage
It has been brought to our notice that some Members have been overheard in the Bar making reference to a number of dignitaries in a manner which could be regarded as defamatory and slanderous.
In particular, there is speculation that the Master of the Hunt, Colonel Shirte-Llyfter, had an unnatural relationship with a yorkshire terrier in the years immediately after the Second World War. The spreading of such rumours should cease immediately. This is on two grounds : first the Colonel is of considerable financial means and could sue the Club for vicarious liability and, second, the dog in question was a corgi.
It is additionally crucial to note that allegations that Michael Gove is a perfectly normal human being who is fully in possession of all his senses is so conspicuously a falsehood that no further reference to it should be risked.
We hope this information is of assistance and that, in this connection, our enclosed bill for the sum of £25,000 (+VAT) meets with the Finance Committee's approval.
Payup & Lookbig
Solicitors
Grasping Chambers
Greed Street
Pease Pottage
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Re: Pease Pottage Conservative Club
by Phil Hornby Fri Nov 16, 2012 4:07 pm
The Club is a-buzz with excitement this afternoon as our splendid local Police Commissioner candidate, Hartley Taser-Gunne, basks in his victory having been elected by both people who attended yesterday’s poll. He is already busy at work filling in his expenses claim form, having earlier had a brief meeting with the Chief Constable who had to mention to Hartley that it was – alas!- not permissible for him to wear his pair of Colt 45s in holsters to reinforce the authority of the new post, and that he must also take the blue flashing light off his Rolls-Royce. Naturally our man has taken his first big decision and boldly exercised his new powers by sacking the Chief Constable as a result of his unwelcome interference.
This decision may have the added benefit of hampering the investigation into the strange disappearance of several ballot boxes from areas where the Labour Party was predicted to be electorally strong, as this is not a time to worry unduly about petty crime. From this point onwards we can be confident that crime figures across the country will show dramatic falls as a result of the wonderful initiative of Mr Cameron. Indeed, we have already been told by Central Office that the official figures for 2013, 2014 and right up to the next General Election are indicative of a crime-free nation thanks to our wonderful government which is jolly clever to have access to this data already!
The only slight blemish on the afternoon is the obviously incorrect by-election result from somewhere called Corby, where a recount is surely called for until the Labour votes can be conveniently lost. Still, while this travesty is being remedied, we can all repair to the Bar and sink a pint or two of The Clegg Brewery’s Lost Deposit – a weak ale with few hops and even fewer hopes for future consumption...
This decision may have the added benefit of hampering the investigation into the strange disappearance of several ballot boxes from areas where the Labour Party was predicted to be electorally strong, as this is not a time to worry unduly about petty crime. From this point onwards we can be confident that crime figures across the country will show dramatic falls as a result of the wonderful initiative of Mr Cameron. Indeed, we have already been told by Central Office that the official figures for 2013, 2014 and right up to the next General Election are indicative of a crime-free nation thanks to our wonderful government which is jolly clever to have access to this data already!
The only slight blemish on the afternoon is the obviously incorrect by-election result from somewhere called Corby, where a recount is surely called for until the Labour votes can be conveniently lost. Still, while this travesty is being remedied, we can all repair to the Bar and sink a pint or two of The Clegg Brewery’s Lost Deposit – a weak ale with few hops and even fewer hopes for future consumption...
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Re: Pease Pottage Conservative Club
by Phil Hornby Sat Nov 17, 2012 6:22 pm
New Local Police Commissioner's Progress Report to Club Members
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In accordance with Club Members' wishes, they will be pleased to see immediate progress in preventing parking on the double-yellow lines outside the Club premises, as Mrs Betty Dalrymple is today asked politely to move on, in keeping with my new instructions to officers. Next week : litter droppers and Labour voters...
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In accordance with Club Members' wishes, they will be pleased to see immediate progress in preventing parking on the double-yellow lines outside the Club premises, as Mrs Betty Dalrymple is today asked politely to move on, in keeping with my new instructions to officers. Next week : litter droppers and Labour voters...
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Re: Pease Pottage Conservative Club
by Phil Hornby Thu Nov 29, 2012 8:18 pm
We are all seriously miffed at the cheek of that Leveson chappie for the inconvenience he has caused to Mr Cameron today. He simply couldn’t have been listening properly when our all-knowing PM appeared at that silly and unnecessary enquiry into why Mr Murdoch is the best fellow on the planet –as if we didn’t already know.
Our chum, Charles Makitt-Tupp , the editor of our favoured local paper - The Pease Pottage Dissembler – was in full flow in the Club this afternoon. He is incandescent about any prospect of action which might hinder his customary editorials and special investigations which regularly reveal gruesome tales related to Labour politicians and their underhand activities. Quite what The Dissembler will do if it actually has to print only those articles which are true is beyond our comprehension , given that such a situation has never previously occurred in its long history. We loyal readers had to assuage the rage of our beloved scribe by constantly replenishing his G&T and assuring him that Cameron will have no truck with those Opposition johnnies who wish to fetter our noble Press by making sure Murdoch and others can’t print whatever lies might sustain our Party in power. Suitably heartened, ‘Tuppy ‘ settled down to pen tomorrow’s scathing editorial which will apparently be entitled ‘ Why Leveson votes Labour’ rather than the originally-intended piece about how a Miliband Government would make keeping ferrets compulsory.
Surely the whole horrible business will blow over and all can return to normal . Members will soon be able to enjoy the upcoming Christmas festivities and the arranged seasonal events which this year will include talks by visiting speakers on subjects as diverse as ’ How to Receive Gifts without Giving Any’ , ‘ Carol Singers and the Law of Trespass’ and ’The Poor at Yuletide – How to Avoid Them’. It all sounds very encouraging . Don’t forget to purchase the Club Xmas Raffle Tickets early – a list of prizes will be published as soon we have threatened local tradesman with withdrawing our orders unless they stump up some goodies for the purpose. As Winter deepens, it is good to feel that our typical Tory spirit is alive and well throughout the Club....
Our chum, Charles Makitt-Tupp , the editor of our favoured local paper - The Pease Pottage Dissembler – was in full flow in the Club this afternoon. He is incandescent about any prospect of action which might hinder his customary editorials and special investigations which regularly reveal gruesome tales related to Labour politicians and their underhand activities. Quite what The Dissembler will do if it actually has to print only those articles which are true is beyond our comprehension , given that such a situation has never previously occurred in its long history. We loyal readers had to assuage the rage of our beloved scribe by constantly replenishing his G&T and assuring him that Cameron will have no truck with those Opposition johnnies who wish to fetter our noble Press by making sure Murdoch and others can’t print whatever lies might sustain our Party in power. Suitably heartened, ‘Tuppy ‘ settled down to pen tomorrow’s scathing editorial which will apparently be entitled ‘ Why Leveson votes Labour’ rather than the originally-intended piece about how a Miliband Government would make keeping ferrets compulsory.
Surely the whole horrible business will blow over and all can return to normal . Members will soon be able to enjoy the upcoming Christmas festivities and the arranged seasonal events which this year will include talks by visiting speakers on subjects as diverse as ’ How to Receive Gifts without Giving Any’ , ‘ Carol Singers and the Law of Trespass’ and ’The Poor at Yuletide – How to Avoid Them’. It all sounds very encouraging . Don’t forget to purchase the Club Xmas Raffle Tickets early – a list of prizes will be published as soon we have threatened local tradesman with withdrawing our orders unless they stump up some goodies for the purpose. As Winter deepens, it is good to feel that our typical Tory spirit is alive and well throughout the Club....
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Re: Pease Pottage Conservative Club
by Phil Hornby Sat Dec 01, 2012 3:16 pm
Pease Pottage Club Christmas Raffle Prizes 2012
1 The Conservative Party Annual including all the usual favourite cartoon strips like Hanningfield the Convict and The Nauseating Adventures of Weedy Gove .
2 A book signed by an exciting new author called Cameron David, entitled 'Leveson, Editors - and Who Frightens Me Most’ .
3 Tickets to a talk by Nick Clegg MP 'Principles and Promises – Who Cares?’ ( student attendees will be searched for weapons)
4 Free text messages for a year from David Cameron ( due to contractual commitments all will commence ‘Dear Rebekah...and conclude ...'usual place on Thursday?’
5 An evening’s fine dining with Eric Pickles at McDonalds, Burger King, Kentucky Fried Chicken , Fat Freddy’s Carvery and ending eventually at that all-night kebab stall on Brentwood High Street run by a Turkish chap.
6 A lie-detector test for a friend of your choice at a well-known laboratory ( as taken and failed by most of the present Cabinet)
7 A week’s holiday in Kabul ( uniform and free SAS survival guide included)
8 Beauty Tips from Theresa May ( bring your own Pollyfilla QuikDry)
9 Photograph session with a Tory politician of your choice ( disinfected wipes provided)
10 Star Prize: to be announced once stolen...
All proceeds will go to the Home for Retired Conservative MPs ( no vacancies after 2015)
1 The Conservative Party Annual including all the usual favourite cartoon strips like Hanningfield the Convict and The Nauseating Adventures of Weedy Gove .
2 A book signed by an exciting new author called Cameron David, entitled 'Leveson, Editors - and Who Frightens Me Most’ .
3 Tickets to a talk by Nick Clegg MP 'Principles and Promises – Who Cares?’ ( student attendees will be searched for weapons)
4 Free text messages for a year from David Cameron ( due to contractual commitments all will commence ‘Dear Rebekah...and conclude ...'usual place on Thursday?’
5 An evening’s fine dining with Eric Pickles at McDonalds, Burger King, Kentucky Fried Chicken , Fat Freddy’s Carvery and ending eventually at that all-night kebab stall on Brentwood High Street run by a Turkish chap.
6 A lie-detector test for a friend of your choice at a well-known laboratory ( as taken and failed by most of the present Cabinet)
7 A week’s holiday in Kabul ( uniform and free SAS survival guide included)
8 Beauty Tips from Theresa May ( bring your own Pollyfilla QuikDry)
9 Photograph session with a Tory politician of your choice ( disinfected wipes provided)
10 Star Prize: to be announced once stolen...
All proceeds will go to the Home for Retired Conservative MPs ( no vacancies after 2015)
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Re: Pease Pottage Conservative Club
by Phil Hornby Tue Dec 04, 2012 9:03 pm
Royal Baby Names - Latest Club Betting :
Male : David 36% ; Boris 28% ; Gideon 15% ; Nick 12% ; Winston 5%; Leveson 2%; Rupert 1%; Others 1%
Female : Margaret 88% ; Theresa 5%; Rebekah 3%; Michael Gove 2%; Others 2%
Please note - The Chairman has decreed that all betting on who is the father should be suspended .
Male : David 36% ; Boris 28% ; Gideon 15% ; Nick 12% ; Winston 5%; Leveson 2%; Rupert 1%; Others 1%
Female : Margaret 88% ; Theresa 5%; Rebekah 3%; Michael Gove 2%; Others 2%
Please note - The Chairman has decreed that all betting on who is the father should be suspended .
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Re: Pease Pottage Conservative Club
by Phil Hornby Wed Dec 05, 2012 3:15 pm
Now that we at the Club have had the considerable benefit of hearing the Chancellor’s Autumn Statement today we are mightily relieved to know that nothing at all is wrong in the good old British economy and that if it is, it is all the fault of (a) the Labour Party, (b) Europe and (c) all the rest of the world - except us, obviously. All in all, good old Gideon has also redefined all those tiresome issues about borrowing too much cash and the size of the nation’s debt by simply instituting a few amendments to the Oxford Dictionary whereby ‘borrowing more’ now actually means we are having to scoop up less cash from the markets and so on, and that what we thought was a huge debt is actually not very big at all and should all be paid off by 2018 , which we were told actually means, by that strange 24-hour clock arrangement, about quarter past eight this evening!. Brilliant ! Why didn’t we think of that before! It can bring so much comfort to all those who are looking for work to suddenly realise that the term ‘rising unemployment’ now really means that there are plenty of jobs to go round and that they are all jolly well-paid. If the country isn’t pleased by all that, we can’t think what would raise its spirits.
Crafty old Osborne has even made sure that the Stoat fellow from the Office for Budget Irresponsibility ( which ,as we all know, has the distinction of never having come up with an accurate forecast yet)has generated a load of dubious figures,the gist of which seems to say that growth will be about 20% next year and even higher in each ensuing year, until we have won the next Election . And the generous fuel duty decision means that petrol will now only be about £2 a gallon higher than Mr Cameron promised it would be if a Conservative Government was elected.
How we cheered all this good news , not least our friend , Jolyon Simpley-Hoodwinked, who was on his feet applauding and agreeing with every word uttered as the unassailable facts poured out from the TV screen one after another. Unfortunately,we had to tell ‘Jolly’ that his riotous enthusiasm and constant approval was, in fact, being directed at the response of that Ted Balls fellow, whom The Speaker unfairly allowed to give some sort of reply to what Osborne had so clearly set out.
All that remained was for us to suspend our disbelief and to order more pints of Tripledip Brewery’s Plebcon – a tipple which is swallowed all too easily by the public in general...
Crafty old Osborne has even made sure that the Stoat fellow from the Office for Budget Irresponsibility ( which ,as we all know, has the distinction of never having come up with an accurate forecast yet)has generated a load of dubious figures,the gist of which seems to say that growth will be about 20% next year and even higher in each ensuing year, until we have won the next Election . And the generous fuel duty decision means that petrol will now only be about £2 a gallon higher than Mr Cameron promised it would be if a Conservative Government was elected.
How we cheered all this good news , not least our friend , Jolyon Simpley-Hoodwinked, who was on his feet applauding and agreeing with every word uttered as the unassailable facts poured out from the TV screen one after another. Unfortunately,we had to tell ‘Jolly’ that his riotous enthusiasm and constant approval was, in fact, being directed at the response of that Ted Balls fellow, whom The Speaker unfairly allowed to give some sort of reply to what Osborne had so clearly set out.
All that remained was for us to suspend our disbelief and to order more pints of Tripledip Brewery’s Plebcon – a tipple which is swallowed all too easily by the public in general...
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Re: Pease Pottage Conservative Club
by Phil Hornby Wed Dec 12, 2012 9:07 pm
Notice to Club Members
PLEASE NOTE that the proposed meeting of the 'Closed Curtain Sub-Committee' has been cancelled. As Members will recall , I had organised a working group dedicated to touring our neighbourhoods at around 9 am each day, with the express purpose of noting those addresses which had drawn curtains and thereafter 'naming and shaming' those who were clearly still abed and therefore almost certainly living a life of luxury on benefits at the taxpayers' expense ( though, fortunately, no club member falls into that category, thanks to the creative accounting service run by our colleague, Nigel Offshore -Stash).
Unfortunately, two problems have impeded our project : one is the little matter of the addresses noted last week having unaccountably been identified by the Secretary as belonging to Club Members, and the second being the diminishing numbers of willing snoopers, most of whom who appear to be offering lame excuses for non-attendance such as : " It was too cold to get up", I was busy polishing my money " ," My wife had a urgent appointment at the embalmers", and " I was in bed with my cleaning lady".
This is all very disappointing and shows a lack of commitment to the cause of discrediting anyone in the locality who doesn't vote Conservative. However, if anyone is still interested in re-igniting our quest to identify the area's shameless shirkers, please give me a ring on my home number ( not before noon).
Tarquin Peeping -Tomme
Chief Organiser : Royal National Institute for Closed Blinds
PLEASE NOTE that the proposed meeting of the 'Closed Curtain Sub-Committee' has been cancelled. As Members will recall , I had organised a working group dedicated to touring our neighbourhoods at around 9 am each day, with the express purpose of noting those addresses which had drawn curtains and thereafter 'naming and shaming' those who were clearly still abed and therefore almost certainly living a life of luxury on benefits at the taxpayers' expense ( though, fortunately, no club member falls into that category, thanks to the creative accounting service run by our colleague, Nigel Offshore -Stash).
Unfortunately, two problems have impeded our project : one is the little matter of the addresses noted last week having unaccountably been identified by the Secretary as belonging to Club Members, and the second being the diminishing numbers of willing snoopers, most of whom who appear to be offering lame excuses for non-attendance such as : " It was too cold to get up", I was busy polishing my money " ," My wife had a urgent appointment at the embalmers", and " I was in bed with my cleaning lady".
This is all very disappointing and shows a lack of commitment to the cause of discrediting anyone in the locality who doesn't vote Conservative. However, if anyone is still interested in re-igniting our quest to identify the area's shameless shirkers, please give me a ring on my home number ( not before noon).
Tarquin Peeping -Tomme
Chief Organiser : Royal National Institute for Closed Blinds
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Re: Pease Pottage Conservative Club
by Phil Hornby Sat Dec 15, 2012 7:58 pm
As Christmas Approaches at the Club...
It was perhaps a mistake to get the local unemployed to light the candles on the Tree in the Club foyer...
[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.](telegraph.co.uk)
Meanwhile Mr Cameron shows children whose parents can no longer afford one what a Christmas tree looks like...
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...and the Club barmaids discuss what the Chairman has told them he would like to deposit in their stockings...
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It was perhaps a mistake to get the local unemployed to light the candles on the Tree in the Club foyer...
[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.](telegraph.co.uk)
Meanwhile Mr Cameron shows children whose parents can no longer afford one what a Christmas tree looks like...
[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]
...and the Club barmaids discuss what the Chairman has told them he would like to deposit in their stockings...
[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]
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Re: Pease Pottage Conservative Club
by Phil Hornby Sun Dec 23, 2012 10:04 pm
From the Club Secretary's Office
Dear Colleagues,
Keep this under your hat, obviously , but we would be grateful if Members could, in the light of - shall we say - recent 'developments', be good enough to draft (just in case, you understand) some preliminary thoughts for an obituary, as it were, for our beloved ex-PM, who was...er. I mean IS.. ., as we all agree, the greatest ever Briton apart from Mr Cameron , Mr Osborne, and a few of our other assorted current Cabinet Members, in case they read this.
Thus far, the only offering we have received is the undermentioned from one of our LibDem colleagues who, to be honest, we have had some doubts about, but Mum's the word about that, of course.
Lady T – known as Margaret Thatcher-
In her day, Tories say, none could match her.
They cried their elation,
As she ruined the nation,
Now they’ve got to make plans to dispatch her.
Surely we can do better than this if we really put our mind to it. Anyway, here's hoping....
Yours faithfully,
A Dulle-Scribbler
Secretary
( PS Just a quick reminder - she's not dead yet. Not as I type this, anyway...so far as I know...)
Dear Colleagues,
Keep this under your hat, obviously , but we would be grateful if Members could, in the light of - shall we say - recent 'developments', be good enough to draft (just in case, you understand) some preliminary thoughts for an obituary, as it were, for our beloved ex-PM, who was...er. I mean IS.. ., as we all agree, the greatest ever Briton apart from Mr Cameron , Mr Osborne, and a few of our other assorted current Cabinet Members, in case they read this.
Thus far, the only offering we have received is the undermentioned from one of our LibDem colleagues who, to be honest, we have had some doubts about, but Mum's the word about that, of course.
Lady T – known as Margaret Thatcher-
In her day, Tories say, none could match her.
They cried their elation,
As she ruined the nation,
Now they’ve got to make plans to dispatch her.
Surely we can do better than this if we really put our mind to it. Anyway, here's hoping....
Yours faithfully,
A Dulle-Scribbler
Secretary
( PS Just a quick reminder - she's not dead yet. Not as I type this, anyway...so far as I know...)
Last edited by Phil Hornby on Sat Aug 24, 2013 6:07 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Re: Pease Pottage Conservative Club
by Phil Hornby Mon Dec 24, 2012 1:46 pm
Urgent Warning from the Chairman's Study
[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.](flixster.com)
Dear Members,
I am issuing this warning as we approach the Festive Season when all manner of folk are likely to try to take advantage of your good natures to further their own selfish interests.
Members should, on no account, be taken in by any pregnant woman who might suddenly appear with her partner at the Club's door claiming that there is simply no room at the Homeless Hostel ( which is mercifuilly some way away from our portals).
Additionally, we should all be aware of poor men who might come in sight gathering winter fuel and , and in their alleged quest, ask if we have any old orange boxes and the like.
These scroungers have nobody but themselves to blame for any plight by which they might be afflicted. After all , it was perfectly possible for them to have been as canny on the Stock Market as ourselves, and also to have had the foresight to have been left a couple of million quid by a departed relative.
This is Christmas -a time for celebration of the important things in life - and certainly no time to be weak-kneed about the troubles of those who are laying about the streets or queuing at Food Banks. So let's hear no more of it.
Let Greed Rule!
Hesketh Largely-Bonkers
Chairman
[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.](flixster.com)
Dear Members,
I am issuing this warning as we approach the Festive Season when all manner of folk are likely to try to take advantage of your good natures to further their own selfish interests.
Members should, on no account, be taken in by any pregnant woman who might suddenly appear with her partner at the Club's door claiming that there is simply no room at the Homeless Hostel ( which is mercifuilly some way away from our portals).
Additionally, we should all be aware of poor men who might come in sight gathering winter fuel and , and in their alleged quest, ask if we have any old orange boxes and the like.
These scroungers have nobody but themselves to blame for any plight by which they might be afflicted. After all , it was perfectly possible for them to have been as canny on the Stock Market as ourselves, and also to have had the foresight to have been left a couple of million quid by a departed relative.
This is Christmas -a time for celebration of the important things in life - and certainly no time to be weak-kneed about the troubles of those who are laying about the streets or queuing at Food Banks. So let's hear no more of it.
Let Greed Rule!
Hesketh Largely-Bonkers
Chairman
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Re: Pease Pottage Conservative Club
by Phil Hornby Tue Jan 01, 2013 8:40 pm
New Year's Eve Celebrations at the Club
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Loud cheers welcome in 2013. and greet the news imparted by newly-elected Vice-Chairman, M.T. Cranium, that the assembled guests' IQs have finally totalled 100* for the first time ...
( * subject to recount by the Club Auditors, S.Timmate & Gess , Cookinbooks Villas, Pease Pottage)
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Loud cheers welcome in 2013. and greet the news imparted by newly-elected Vice-Chairman, M.T. Cranium, that the assembled guests' IQs have finally totalled 100* for the first time ...
( * subject to recount by the Club Auditors, S.Timmate & Gess , Cookinbooks Villas, Pease Pottage)
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Re: Pease Pottage Conservative Club
by Phil Hornby Wed Jan 16, 2013 10:00 pm
Urgent Message from the Club Kitchen
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Chef has reluctantly advised that Members avoid the advertised 'DobbinBurgers' from the Restaurant Menu since we are currently seeking information from our meat suppliers - Nag-U-Like plc- as to the precise source of this delicious and tempting dish.
Orson Platter
Restaurant Manager
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Chef has reluctantly advised that Members avoid the advertised 'DobbinBurgers' from the Restaurant Menu since we are currently seeking information from our meat suppliers - Nag-U-Like plc- as to the precise source of this delicious and tempting dish.
Orson Platter
Restaurant Manager
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Re: Pease Pottage Conservative Club
by Phil Hornby Sat Jan 26, 2013 9:23 pm
The Week in Pictures
The Chairman's nephew is encouraged to welcome some French visitors as he passes them in Pease Pottage High Street...
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meanwhile, Roderick and Fenella Orfly-Snottie return early from India in protest at their cricketers having the temerity to beat our chaps at a game we invented...
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...while the life-size papier-mache figure of Lady Thatcher donated by the Friends of Cruelty to the Poor ( Pease Pottage Division) is positioned in the foyer...
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The Chairman's nephew is encouraged to welcome some French visitors as he passes them in Pease Pottage High Street...
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meanwhile, Roderick and Fenella Orfly-Snottie return early from India in protest at their cricketers having the temerity to beat our chaps at a game we invented...
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...while the life-size papier-mache figure of Lady Thatcher donated by the Friends of Cruelty to the Poor ( Pease Pottage Division) is positioned in the foyer...
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Re: Pease Pottage Conservative Club
by Phil Hornby Mon Jan 28, 2013 8:49 pm
Pease Pottage Conservative Club – Job Opportunities
Required due to the physical exhaustion and subsequent death of previous postholders : general staff to serve members of the Club and to undertake any duties as may be required from time to time.
70 hours per week ( Monday to Sunday inclusive)- Generous remuneration package of up to 75p per hour ( after 5 years’ service). Three days' holiday each year ( unpaid). Free uniform provided (non-refundable deposit of £1250 required).
Here is an opportunity not to be missed to have the honour of waiting etc upon the Club’s esteemed members . Candidates must know their place and have impeccable references from an appropriate Masonic Lodge. Past or current secret membership of the BNP preferred , but not essential as relevant training will be given .
Ability to fawn and a BA Hons. degree in Obsequious Behaviour will be an advantage.
Pease Pottage Conservative Club is an Equal Opportunities Employer. No blacks, Irish, or UKIP Members in disguise. Women need only apply if they are aged 17 -25 years and have other suitable qualifications which can be discussed by e-mailing the Chairman at heskethlargelybonkers @bigknockers.co.uk.
Application forms and a job description ( price £20 +VAT each) are obtainable form the Club’s honorary HR Manager, Ida Jobwunce.
Required due to the physical exhaustion and subsequent death of previous postholders : general staff to serve members of the Club and to undertake any duties as may be required from time to time.
70 hours per week ( Monday to Sunday inclusive)- Generous remuneration package of up to 75p per hour ( after 5 years’ service). Three days' holiday each year ( unpaid). Free uniform provided (non-refundable deposit of £1250 required).
Here is an opportunity not to be missed to have the honour of waiting etc upon the Club’s esteemed members . Candidates must know their place and have impeccable references from an appropriate Masonic Lodge. Past or current secret membership of the BNP preferred , but not essential as relevant training will be given .
Ability to fawn and a BA Hons. degree in Obsequious Behaviour will be an advantage.
Pease Pottage Conservative Club is an Equal Opportunities Employer. No blacks, Irish, or UKIP Members in disguise. Women need only apply if they are aged 17 -25 years and have other suitable qualifications which can be discussed by e-mailing the Chairman at heskethlargelybonkers @bigknockers.co.uk.
Application forms and a job description ( price £20 +VAT each) are obtainable form the Club’s honorary HR Manager, Ida Jobwunce.
Last edited by Phil Hornby on Sun Apr 07, 2013 8:13 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Re: Pease Pottage Conservative Club
by Phil Hornby Sun Feb 03, 2013 7:31 pm
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Two of our younger Club members, Patrick Fitzmichael and Michael Fitzpatrick, have written from Barbados to offer support to the Prime Minister for the upcoming Commons vote on Gay Marriage. The Chairman has undertaken to pass on the message to Mr Cameron just as soon as he has finished chewing on the piece of wood we had to give him upon receipt of the missive...
Two of our younger Club members, Patrick Fitzmichael and Michael Fitzpatrick, have written from Barbados to offer support to the Prime Minister for the upcoming Commons vote on Gay Marriage. The Chairman has undertaken to pass on the message to Mr Cameron just as soon as he has finished chewing on the piece of wood we had to give him upon receipt of the missive...
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Re: Pease Pottage Conservative Club
by Phil Hornby Thu Feb 07, 2013 7:52 pm
We are especially indebted this week to our splendid local MP, Toby Walletstuffer, for keeping us up-to-date on what has been happening on the Westminster front of late. We do rely on Toby for such information as the goings-on in Parliament are either too complicated for us to understand ,or the pursuit of such knowledge interrupts other more important matters such as fox-hunting or drinking and generally interfering in the business of anyone in the locale of whom we disapprove – and there is no shortage of such victims I can assure you!
Walletstuffer is a remarkable chap, since he is able to give an accurate and informative running commentary of events without actually having to trouble himself to go into The Commons more than two or three times a year – occasions when – coincidentally – expenses are being paid out.
Anyway , our intrepid MP assures us that all is proceeding in a tickety-boo kind of manner and highlights the following stunning successes of Mr Cameron . First we are apparently going to leave the troublesome ‘European Community’ by means of a referendum when the Daily Mail has won us the next election and provided Mr Murdoch agrees that we may do so. This will mean that we can return to the good old days of slavery without the wretched Human Rights Act interfering in our harmless route to ensuring full employment of a very cheap kind. It will also mean that we shall no longer be troubled by all those dirty foreigners that currently ruin our tolerant British way of life.
Secondly, and thanks to Mr Gove ( whom many of us had previously believed was an errant and particularly snivelling schoolboy son of one of our other MPs, but who ,it seems, is in charge of education) has ordered a brand-new curriculum for our schools in which we shall return to traditional values such as ensuring that the offspring of poor families are not taught anything which will give them any opportunity to become literate and cause endless problems by being able to speak up for themselves. Additionally, there is to be a greater focus on the proud history of our nation which will entail teaching our up and coming scholars that nothing much happened before 1979 AT ( Anno Thatcheri) and that - aside of a few dark interludes brought about by the Labour Party and the miners, dockers and any group of public servants which may have escaped our memory - successive Tory Government have made this a land of milk and honey ( or in the case of many of our Club Members - milking the poor, and money).
One slight blot on this otherwise happy landscape is - suggested Toby before he collapsed in the bar from a sudden and mysterious liquid-induced virus – that Mr Cameron seems to be proposing a law which will make chaps marry other chaps in future, thereby potentially making women redundant (although, it has to be admitted, that some Club regulars do find this one of the more attractive features of the arrangements). Opinion is, therefore, divided -and one of our number, Llewellyn Ewefondler, has written to the PM seeking an amendment to the draft legislation which will allow for the option of nuptials with any sheep whom an individual may have known for a suitable period and which he could keep in the manger to which it had become accustomed.
All in all it gives us every good reason to shout bottoms-up! - and to thank our lucky stars for a well-stocked bar and the complete lack of necessity to consider anyone’s well-being but our own goodselves...
Walletstuffer is a remarkable chap, since he is able to give an accurate and informative running commentary of events without actually having to trouble himself to go into The Commons more than two or three times a year – occasions when – coincidentally – expenses are being paid out.
Anyway , our intrepid MP assures us that all is proceeding in a tickety-boo kind of manner and highlights the following stunning successes of Mr Cameron . First we are apparently going to leave the troublesome ‘European Community’ by means of a referendum when the Daily Mail has won us the next election and provided Mr Murdoch agrees that we may do so. This will mean that we can return to the good old days of slavery without the wretched Human Rights Act interfering in our harmless route to ensuring full employment of a very cheap kind. It will also mean that we shall no longer be troubled by all those dirty foreigners that currently ruin our tolerant British way of life.
Secondly, and thanks to Mr Gove ( whom many of us had previously believed was an errant and particularly snivelling schoolboy son of one of our other MPs, but who ,it seems, is in charge of education) has ordered a brand-new curriculum for our schools in which we shall return to traditional values such as ensuring that the offspring of poor families are not taught anything which will give them any opportunity to become literate and cause endless problems by being able to speak up for themselves. Additionally, there is to be a greater focus on the proud history of our nation which will entail teaching our up and coming scholars that nothing much happened before 1979 AT ( Anno Thatcheri) and that - aside of a few dark interludes brought about by the Labour Party and the miners, dockers and any group of public servants which may have escaped our memory - successive Tory Government have made this a land of milk and honey ( or in the case of many of our Club Members - milking the poor, and money).
One slight blot on this otherwise happy landscape is - suggested Toby before he collapsed in the bar from a sudden and mysterious liquid-induced virus – that Mr Cameron seems to be proposing a law which will make chaps marry other chaps in future, thereby potentially making women redundant (although, it has to be admitted, that some Club regulars do find this one of the more attractive features of the arrangements). Opinion is, therefore, divided -and one of our number, Llewellyn Ewefondler, has written to the PM seeking an amendment to the draft legislation which will allow for the option of nuptials with any sheep whom an individual may have known for a suitable period and which he could keep in the manger to which it had become accustomed.
All in all it gives us every good reason to shout bottoms-up! - and to thank our lucky stars for a well-stocked bar and the complete lack of necessity to consider anyone’s well-being but our own goodselves...
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Re: Pease Pottage Conservative Club
by Phil Hornby Sat Feb 09, 2013 9:49 pm
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The Club regrets to have to report the resignation of our Assistant Chef, Dickie Tummey ( pictured above in happier times). It appears that, following the inclusion on the evening menu, at the price of £45.75, of his latest and most topical creation made from the finest meat of uncertain origin we could buy cheap - Filly Mignon - complaints were received from some guests that they believed the dish actually contained beef. Naturally, we apologise for this dreadful error and are taking all steps to find anybody but ourselves to blame.
As the true professional he is, Dickie felt that he had no option but to consider his position, which, at the time of writing, is tied to a mincing machine with his trousers down and with his 'tender cuts' perilously close to the business end of the equipment.
Sally Monella
Restaurant Assistant Manageress
The Club regrets to have to report the resignation of our Assistant Chef, Dickie Tummey ( pictured above in happier times). It appears that, following the inclusion on the evening menu, at the price of £45.75, of his latest and most topical creation made from the finest meat of uncertain origin we could buy cheap - Filly Mignon - complaints were received from some guests that they believed the dish actually contained beef. Naturally, we apologise for this dreadful error and are taking all steps to find anybody but ourselves to blame.
As the true professional he is, Dickie felt that he had no option but to consider his position, which, at the time of writing, is tied to a mincing machine with his trousers down and with his 'tender cuts' perilously close to the business end of the equipment.
Sally Monella
Restaurant Assistant Manageress
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Re: Pease Pottage Conservative Club
by Phil Hornby Fri Mar 01, 2013 1:39 pm
For some unfathomable reason, all the TV screens at the club went blank this morning, although we have been lucky enough to receive a signal from some closed circuit arrangement straight from Tory Central Office. Good job too, or how else would we triumphant fellows have picked up on the news that our excellent candidate at the Eastleigh by-election , Mrs Porky- Snoute, has won a landslide victory over her unworthy rivals.
It has to be said, however, that our LibDems colleagues -at least those who are occasionally permitted in the Club on sufferance - have been sporting enough to accept defeat in a truly British way, since they are to be seen walking around the Club smiling broadly – clearly a sign that they are only too pleased to have been beaten by such worthy opponents as ourselves.
Thankfully ,we have heard nothing from those UKIP coves who must have also been soundly routed – although the Club Chairman ( shortly before he had to take a bottle-full of tablets and go and lie down) did have to ask the Police to attend outside to disperse some rowdy chaps in purple rosettes who seemed to be rudely shouting " You're so beastly, you lost Eastleigh" and also about somebody having finished in third spot at the ballot, though what all that has to do with us is far from clear!
I feel sure that the celebrations here will go on all afternoon and well into the evening and we shall continue to try and make contact by ‘phone with Mr Cameron or one of his Cabinet chums to offer our hearty congratulations. They , too, must be celebrating equally enthusiastically since - to a man- each has a message on their phone saying that they are simply too busy to take any calls for the next few weeks.
Anyhow, can’t stop, as the bar is now open and I am being offered a pint of Victory Ale from Clegg & Farage - a brewery which was thought to be on the verge of extinction, but which, thanks to our efforts, appears to have had an unexpected renaissance...
It has to be said, however, that our LibDems colleagues -at least those who are occasionally permitted in the Club on sufferance - have been sporting enough to accept defeat in a truly British way, since they are to be seen walking around the Club smiling broadly – clearly a sign that they are only too pleased to have been beaten by such worthy opponents as ourselves.
Thankfully ,we have heard nothing from those UKIP coves who must have also been soundly routed – although the Club Chairman ( shortly before he had to take a bottle-full of tablets and go and lie down) did have to ask the Police to attend outside to disperse some rowdy chaps in purple rosettes who seemed to be rudely shouting " You're so beastly, you lost Eastleigh" and also about somebody having finished in third spot at the ballot, though what all that has to do with us is far from clear!
I feel sure that the celebrations here will go on all afternoon and well into the evening and we shall continue to try and make contact by ‘phone with Mr Cameron or one of his Cabinet chums to offer our hearty congratulations. They , too, must be celebrating equally enthusiastically since - to a man- each has a message on their phone saying that they are simply too busy to take any calls for the next few weeks.
Anyhow, can’t stop, as the bar is now open and I am being offered a pint of Victory Ale from Clegg & Farage - a brewery which was thought to be on the verge of extinction, but which, thanks to our efforts, appears to have had an unexpected renaissance...
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Re: Pease Pottage Conservative Club
by Phil Hornby Tue Mar 12, 2013 7:35 pm
The Elements Savage Huhnepoints Lane, Pease Pottage
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What a nuisance it was to see our local roads cluttered by a number of vehicles which had become bogged down in the overnight snow! What was even worse was the impertinent suggestion by some LibDem 'colleagues' - whom we have in to clean windows and other menial tasks - that all this presented we Tories with a golden opportunity to show some of that Big Society spirit by assisting our stricken brethren.
Naturally, we had to point out to Clegg's devotees that any such help offered is really intended to be the province of those with nothing better to do, and certainly not our members, who are far too occupied in keeping abreast of important Stock Market movements and waiting for the bar to open.
However, never let it be said that we are ones to turn our backs when our fellow citizens are in need. Accordingly, the Club Chairman was soon to be found organising a number of our favoured local tradesman to drive out to the snow-bound and to offer hot drinks and other sustenance to their captive audience at suitably inflated prices (of which we justifiably took a 25% cut, of course), while others made sure that some misguided folk were not offering beds for the night to our frozen visitors lest there should be any attempt to claim that any otherwise unused accommodation was thereby exempt from Mr Cameron's jolly clever Bedroom Tax.
We are doing everything we can to keep the affected roads blocked while the maximum income is derived from those involved, although one can feel confident that all will be suitably clear for departure once the available cash has been fully-extracted from the temporarily afflicted.
Truly, it's an ill-wind which blows no Tory any good...
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What a nuisance it was to see our local roads cluttered by a number of vehicles which had become bogged down in the overnight snow! What was even worse was the impertinent suggestion by some LibDem 'colleagues' - whom we have in to clean windows and other menial tasks - that all this presented we Tories with a golden opportunity to show some of that Big Society spirit by assisting our stricken brethren.
Naturally, we had to point out to Clegg's devotees that any such help offered is really intended to be the province of those with nothing better to do, and certainly not our members, who are far too occupied in keeping abreast of important Stock Market movements and waiting for the bar to open.
However, never let it be said that we are ones to turn our backs when our fellow citizens are in need. Accordingly, the Club Chairman was soon to be found organising a number of our favoured local tradesman to drive out to the snow-bound and to offer hot drinks and other sustenance to their captive audience at suitably inflated prices (of which we justifiably took a 25% cut, of course), while others made sure that some misguided folk were not offering beds for the night to our frozen visitors lest there should be any attempt to claim that any otherwise unused accommodation was thereby exempt from Mr Cameron's jolly clever Bedroom Tax.
We are doing everything we can to keep the affected roads blocked while the maximum income is derived from those involved, although one can feel confident that all will be suitably clear for departure once the available cash has been fully-extracted from the temporarily afflicted.
Truly, it's an ill-wind which blows no Tory any good...
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Re: Pease Pottage Conservative Club
by Phil Hornby Sun Apr 07, 2013 6:03 pm
It has been a confusing week at the Club. For some strange reason the Secretary has been exercised by setting us a challenge of living on £57 a week, which appears to be the sum that those chaps get for wantonly lying in bed instead of seeking all those jobs which Mr Osborne has so carefully decimated. Most of the aforesaid, we are told, also kill their children in order to avoid the bedroom tax although - truth be told -we haven’t quite worked out the logic of all that and are waiting for the Daily Mail to explain it to us.
Anyway, back to the job of making the largesse eke out – a task which poses no problem at all for the type of initiative which is commonplace amongst Club Members. For example, Major Gunham – Downe suggests simply that a fellow should partake of a modest Monday lunch at the specified sum and then live on field rations for the remainder of the week, with the occasional foray into the Officers’ mess for any leftovers which may be available for additional sustenance. Other splendid ruses to meet the target included selling any spare Gainsborough which may be laying around at home to supplement the cash available, or offering one’s ticket for Henley in return for a Fortnum’s hamper. Why these sorts of strategies can’t be employed by the so-called needy is quite beyond our ken. After all, we are informed that Mr Duncan Smith (whose brilliant idea to starve the poor this all was) has lived on nothing more than a diet of humble pie in his Claridges’ suite since all the fuss began.
On a brighter note, we are thrilled by the recently-published programme of the Club’s Spring Events. These include talks such as ‘Should Benefit Claimants be sent to North Korea?’ , ‘How Ed Balls is related to Mick Philpott', ’Propaganda and the Primary-Age Child’ and ‘ Don’t be Embarrassed by your Prejudices’. Additionally, we are exhorted not to forget to book our coach trip tickets for the annual ‘Let’s Laugh at the Food Bank Queue’ – priced at only £10 with a free Eric Pickles mask included.
Meanwhile , as I have a couple of coins left from my allocation of fifty oncers I am tempted by the promise of a pint of Pyongyang Brewery’s New Clear Ale, although the taste is apparently a little strong and causes one’s tongue to light up in a dark room…
Anyway, back to the job of making the largesse eke out – a task which poses no problem at all for the type of initiative which is commonplace amongst Club Members. For example, Major Gunham – Downe suggests simply that a fellow should partake of a modest Monday lunch at the specified sum and then live on field rations for the remainder of the week, with the occasional foray into the Officers’ mess for any leftovers which may be available for additional sustenance. Other splendid ruses to meet the target included selling any spare Gainsborough which may be laying around at home to supplement the cash available, or offering one’s ticket for Henley in return for a Fortnum’s hamper. Why these sorts of strategies can’t be employed by the so-called needy is quite beyond our ken. After all, we are informed that Mr Duncan Smith (whose brilliant idea to starve the poor this all was) has lived on nothing more than a diet of humble pie in his Claridges’ suite since all the fuss began.
On a brighter note, we are thrilled by the recently-published programme of the Club’s Spring Events. These include talks such as ‘Should Benefit Claimants be sent to North Korea?’ , ‘How Ed Balls is related to Mick Philpott', ’Propaganda and the Primary-Age Child’ and ‘ Don’t be Embarrassed by your Prejudices’. Additionally, we are exhorted not to forget to book our coach trip tickets for the annual ‘Let’s Laugh at the Food Bank Queue’ – priced at only £10 with a free Eric Pickles mask included.
Meanwhile , as I have a couple of coins left from my allocation of fifty oncers I am tempted by the promise of a pint of Pyongyang Brewery’s New Clear Ale, although the taste is apparently a little strong and causes one’s tongue to light up in a dark room…
Phil Hornby- Blogger
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Re: Pease Pottage Conservative Club
by Phil Hornby Mon Apr 08, 2013 2:05 pm
All of us at the Club are shocked and saddened today by the emerging dreadful news, the anticipation of which which we have feared for quite some time. I refer of course to the awful realisation that there is , indeed, a severe blockage in the ladies' lavatories.
We are told by Ivor Leake, our plumbing expert, that there is likely to have to be a considerable effort invested in shifting the offending material which has built up over a period of time and, when pressed as to the size of the undertaking, he suggested that the task can be compared to the removal of Margaret Thatcher from Office when the Party decided it would be a good idea to stab her in the back a couple of decades ago. All in all a bit of a coincidence, since we heard a couple of hours later that the old girl had dropped off the perch. It's almost like Leakey has second sight when it comes to matters of waste disposal...
We are told by Ivor Leake, our plumbing expert, that there is likely to have to be a considerable effort invested in shifting the offending material which has built up over a period of time and, when pressed as to the size of the undertaking, he suggested that the task can be compared to the removal of Margaret Thatcher from Office when the Party decided it would be a good idea to stab her in the back a couple of decades ago. All in all a bit of a coincidence, since we heard a couple of hours later that the old girl had dropped off the perch. It's almost like Leakey has second sight when it comes to matters of waste disposal...
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Re: Pease Pottage Conservative Club
by Phil Hornby Fri Apr 12, 2013 1:24 pm
From the Secretary's Office
All colleagues will be disgusted at the prospect of an offensive song (the name of witch cannot be dignified by being mentioned) being played on a BBC Pop Chart Show this weekend, and in response the Club has assembled our own Top Ten of some of our younger Members' favourites as set out below:
Go Now – Moody Blues
Blue is the Colour – Chelsea FC
Never Ending Tory -Limahl
Maggie Mae Not Now – Rod Stewart
Lady’s a Gonner - Beatles
Turn, Turn, Turn – Byrds
Little Lies – Fleetwood Mag
The Tory of My Life – Michael Holliday
Fool if You Think It’s Not Over – Chris Rea
Devil in Disguise – Elvis Presley
We trust that due respect will be paid by everyone when Lady Thatcher is finally downloaded on Wednesday next.
A.Dulle-Scribbler
Secretary and Chief Mourner
All colleagues will be disgusted at the prospect of an offensive song (the name of witch cannot be dignified by being mentioned) being played on a BBC Pop Chart Show this weekend, and in response the Club has assembled our own Top Ten of some of our younger Members' favourites as set out below:
Go Now – Moody Blues
Blue is the Colour – Chelsea FC
Never Ending Tory -Limahl
Maggie Mae Not Now – Rod Stewart
Lady’s a Gonner - Beatles
Turn, Turn, Turn – Byrds
Little Lies – Fleetwood Mag
The Tory of My Life – Michael Holliday
Fool if You Think It’s Not Over – Chris Rea
Devil in Disguise – Elvis Presley
We trust that due respect will be paid by everyone when Lady Thatcher is finally downloaded on Wednesday next.
A.Dulle-Scribbler
Secretary and Chief Mourner
Phil Hornby- Blogger
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Re: Pease Pottage Conservative Club
by Phil Hornby Thu Apr 18, 2013 6:06 pm
Club Shop
[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.] ( as worn by David Cameron and Theresa May at St Paul's )
Don't miss this unique opportunity to obtain a memento of the Unforgettable Thatcher Era - buy your ThatchPants now! Just like the Lady herself they are apparently smooth and reassuring, but grip eye-wateringly tightly , are unaccountably prickly, and are best kept under wraps in public.
Price : Very heavy in some parts of the country
Size : Too big for her boots
Colours : True Blue, blue, blue or Red Rag to a Bull ( New for Summer - now in Fawn!)
Washing instructions : Will not tolerate wets and not for turning, so avoid tumble-drying
Warning : Major problems if worn outside trousers
Ironing Lady instructions : continuous pressing of all points
If not completely satisfied - tough luck you Moaning Minnie...
( See our matching Denis Thatcher ear-muffs for blotting out your other half's tedious wittering about the trade unions ad nauseam)
[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.] ( as worn by David Cameron and Theresa May at St Paul's )
Don't miss this unique opportunity to obtain a memento of the Unforgettable Thatcher Era - buy your ThatchPants now! Just like the Lady herself they are apparently smooth and reassuring, but grip eye-wateringly tightly , are unaccountably prickly, and are best kept under wraps in public.
Price : Very heavy in some parts of the country
Size : Too big for her boots
Colours : True Blue, blue, blue or Red Rag to a Bull ( New for Summer - now in Fawn!)
Washing instructions : Will not tolerate wets and not for turning, so avoid tumble-drying
Warning : Major problems if worn outside trousers
Ironing Lady instructions : continuous pressing of all points
If not completely satisfied - tough luck you Moaning Minnie...
( See our matching Denis Thatcher ear-muffs for blotting out your other half's tedious wittering about the trade unions ad nauseam)
Phil Hornby- Blogger
- Posts : 4002
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Location : Drifting on Easy Street
Re: Pease Pottage Conservative Club
by Phil Hornby Wed May 01, 2013 8:08 pm
Excitement mounts at the Club in anticipation of tomorrow’s local elections where we hope to have all our splendid councillors returned to the power they have so capably handled from their holiday homes in Mustique and Barbados and similar destinations from where they have the almost intolerable stresses of keeping in touch with matters which those troublesome voters irritatingly drone on about, and making sure the local postal service gets their expenses claims in on time to good old Blighty.
Unfortunately, we have had the nuisance this week of explaining to several nosey jumped-up journalists some misunderstood and totally innocent historical quotes from a few of our candidates such as Nigel Swoss- Ticker, Jasper Goose-Stepper and N.Vade-Polland , each of whom has had to go to great lengths to reassure interested parties that there was nothing unusual in their holidays in Nuremburg , nor the choice of the fetching black uniforms ( with insignia) for those jolly fancy-dress parties at which they were so infuriatingly photographed apparently hailing a taxi at the end of the festivities . And which law, one must ask, prevents such fine upstanding chaps from growing a somewhat truncated moustache as a fashion statement. Honestly –what a fuss about nothing.
We are confident that they and their fellow Tory victors ( or should one call them ‘candidates’ as I understand that the postal votes haven’t officially been opened yet) will be returned and will once again serve our interests so capably while avoiding the customary unreasonable demands of the ‘wider community’ for all those tiresome services they so selfishly demand.
Unfortunately, we have had the nuisance this week of explaining to several nosey jumped-up journalists some misunderstood and totally innocent historical quotes from a few of our candidates such as Nigel Swoss- Ticker, Jasper Goose-Stepper and N.Vade-Polland , each of whom has had to go to great lengths to reassure interested parties that there was nothing unusual in their holidays in Nuremburg , nor the choice of the fetching black uniforms ( with insignia) for those jolly fancy-dress parties at which they were so infuriatingly photographed apparently hailing a taxi at the end of the festivities . And which law, one must ask, prevents such fine upstanding chaps from growing a somewhat truncated moustache as a fashion statement. Honestly –what a fuss about nothing.
We are confident that they and their fellow Tory victors ( or should one call them ‘candidates’ as I understand that the postal votes haven’t officially been opened yet) will be returned and will once again serve our interests so capably while avoiding the customary unreasonable demands of the ‘wider community’ for all those tiresome services they so selfishly demand.
Phil Hornby- Blogger
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Re: Pease Pottage Conservative Club
by Phil Hornby Sat May 04, 2013 9:10 pm
Not a word to anyone – promise? Ok, then – the word around the Club is that it was not so bad after all to have the ‘Tory Second Eleven’ (aka UKIP) do so well in the elections this week , and although we are trying to walk about looking a bit down in the dumps, the talk of the Thatcher Memorial Lounge ( formerly the Stationery Cupboard) is that it was about time that some of our less robust councillors got their comeuppance from some red-meat chomping real Right-wingers like good old Farage’s Jolyon Hile – Littler who won a big majority in the hamlet of Much-Supping-in-the-Snug, while Aubrey Anschluss was only narrowly defeated by our chum Cyril Bilespitter, after two recounts and a large bribe to the Returning Officer.
The more concerned amongst us are of the view that these are times when questions are being asked about whether Cameron isn’t just a bit wet when it comes to dishing out some real cruelty to the enemies of Britain such as benefit cheats, welfare spongers, foreigners , those fellows with a significant sun-tan and, indeed, anyone else whom the Daily Mail tells us is persona non grata (whatever that means).
All in all there appear to be interesting times ahead , with the prospect of a new Coalition if the current round of hush-hush ‘phone calls prove fruitful. In fact, relations are clearly warming between our new friend Nigel and we Tories, as some of his acolytes have expressed an interest in purchasing the remainder of our stocks of Theresa May life-size blow-up dolls but ,somewhat oddly, have insisted upon each being supplied with a complimentary puncture-repair kit. Those chaps are jolly good sorts when you get to know them and were dancing late into the night once their success became clear and kept much of Pease Pottage awake with their cries of “ UKIP if you want to - Nigel’s not for sleeping…” What high jinks… what fun… what’s... the Chairman doing crying in the corner…?
The more concerned amongst us are of the view that these are times when questions are being asked about whether Cameron isn’t just a bit wet when it comes to dishing out some real cruelty to the enemies of Britain such as benefit cheats, welfare spongers, foreigners , those fellows with a significant sun-tan and, indeed, anyone else whom the Daily Mail tells us is persona non grata (whatever that means).
All in all there appear to be interesting times ahead , with the prospect of a new Coalition if the current round of hush-hush ‘phone calls prove fruitful. In fact, relations are clearly warming between our new friend Nigel and we Tories, as some of his acolytes have expressed an interest in purchasing the remainder of our stocks of Theresa May life-size blow-up dolls but ,somewhat oddly, have insisted upon each being supplied with a complimentary puncture-repair kit. Those chaps are jolly good sorts when you get to know them and were dancing late into the night once their success became clear and kept much of Pease Pottage awake with their cries of “ UKIP if you want to - Nigel’s not for sleeping…” What high jinks… what fun… what’s... the Chairman doing crying in the corner…?
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Re: Pease Pottage Conservative Club
by Phil Hornby Tue May 07, 2013 11:17 am
Salute the Newlyweds
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We congratulate the Chairman's niece Arabella on her weekend wedding, when she tied the knot with fellow Young Conservative, Marmaduke Myne- Campffe. As can be seen, the young couple have shown their immediate intention to support our bid to ensure that those UKIP upstarts don't steal our thunder in the battle to win the hearts and minds of the Pease Pottage public in showing our determination to see that good British fair-play prevails.
We understand that the young couple - having held their reception in the Club's Lebensraum Lounge ( formerly the John Major conservatory) - are honeymooning somewhere definitely not in Europe, and that they hope to start a family of blond blue-eyed boys as soon as possible. We wish them well as they move into their new home in Colditz Villas ( turn right at the club gates and keep marching)...
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We congratulate the Chairman's niece Arabella on her weekend wedding, when she tied the knot with fellow Young Conservative, Marmaduke Myne- Campffe. As can be seen, the young couple have shown their immediate intention to support our bid to ensure that those UKIP upstarts don't steal our thunder in the battle to win the hearts and minds of the Pease Pottage public in showing our determination to see that good British fair-play prevails.
We understand that the young couple - having held their reception in the Club's Lebensraum Lounge ( formerly the John Major conservatory) - are honeymooning somewhere definitely not in Europe, and that they hope to start a family of blond blue-eyed boys as soon as possible. We wish them well as they move into their new home in Colditz Villas ( turn right at the club gates and keep marching)...
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Re: Pease Pottage Conservative Club
by Phil Hornby Mon Jun 03, 2013 7:18 pm
A Message from Toby Walletstuffer - Pease Pottage's Very Own MP
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Colleagues - You may have been disconcerted by recent media stories about certain politicians being under suspicion for taking cash for asking a few innocent questions. I wish to make it clear that my own particular interventions in the Commons regarding the Society of Friends of Very Rich People and Offshore Tax Havens have been entirely altruistic and are entirely in keeping with my lifelong interest in handing over as little of my ill-gotten and hard-concealed cash as possible. For anyone who may have similar sympathies, I can of course offer to raise issues in the 'right places' for a suitable fee, the receipt of which I shall, naturally, deny totally - in keeping with customary practice .
Yours,
Toby
PS Is that a microphone in your pocket, or are you just pleased to see me ...?
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Colleagues - You may have been disconcerted by recent media stories about certain politicians being under suspicion for taking cash for asking a few innocent questions. I wish to make it clear that my own particular interventions in the Commons regarding the Society of Friends of Very Rich People and Offshore Tax Havens have been entirely altruistic and are entirely in keeping with my lifelong interest in handing over as little of my ill-gotten and hard-concealed cash as possible. For anyone who may have similar sympathies, I can of course offer to raise issues in the 'right places' for a suitable fee, the receipt of which I shall, naturally, deny totally - in keeping with customary practice .
Yours,
Toby
PS Is that a microphone in your pocket, or are you just pleased to see me ...?
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Re: Pease Pottage Conservative Club
by Phil Hornby Sat Aug 31, 2013 6:17 pm
Important Club Notice
Please note that this evening's planned 'Let's Bomb Syria' dinner has been unexpectedly cancelled . Members have respected a request by our MP , Toby Walletstuffer, to keep a low profile on the whole sensitive matter . This follows Toby's firm stand this week through which he held a steadfast and consistent line as follows :
Monday : "Why is that fool Cameron recalling Parliament?"
Tuesday : " Syria? Where's that? Let's bomb them anyway and ask why later"
Wednesday: " I feel that the Special Relationship demands that we do something to stop President O'Bomber from gassing Serbians - have I got that right?"
Thursday " On reflection I feel that in all conscience I should abstain until I understand what is going on..."
Having spent Friday consulting his adviser on International Affairs (Ms Trudy Lappe-Danser) , Toby felt that nothing should be done at the Club which might increase tensions and we are therefore substituting a Quiz Night . The winning team will receive an all expenses -paid trip to Damascus with free breathing apparatus supplied together with any associated funeral costs incurred.
( Regrettably, there will be no refunds to anyone who has purchased ' Assad is a Rotter' T-shirts which were on sale in good faith at the Club earlier this week)
Please note that this evening's planned 'Let's Bomb Syria' dinner has been unexpectedly cancelled . Members have respected a request by our MP , Toby Walletstuffer, to keep a low profile on the whole sensitive matter . This follows Toby's firm stand this week through which he held a steadfast and consistent line as follows :
Monday : "Why is that fool Cameron recalling Parliament?"
Tuesday : " Syria? Where's that? Let's bomb them anyway and ask why later"
Wednesday: " I feel that the Special Relationship demands that we do something to stop President O'Bomber from gassing Serbians - have I got that right?"
Thursday " On reflection I feel that in all conscience I should abstain until I understand what is going on..."
Having spent Friday consulting his adviser on International Affairs (Ms Trudy Lappe-Danser) , Toby felt that nothing should be done at the Club which might increase tensions and we are therefore substituting a Quiz Night . The winning team will receive an all expenses -paid trip to Damascus with free breathing apparatus supplied together with any associated funeral costs incurred.
( Regrettably, there will be no refunds to anyone who has purchased ' Assad is a Rotter' T-shirts which were on sale in good faith at the Club earlier this week)
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Re: Pease Pottage Conservative Club
by Phil Hornby Thu Sep 05, 2013 9:09 pm
The newly-introduced valet parking scheme for Members is being kept under review by the Chairman following a few minor complaints from those who have availed themselves of the facility offered by our contractors Dent & Scratchet plc .
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