Favourite 'tweets'

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Favourite 'tweets'

Post by Ivan on Thu Jan 26, 2012 5:23 pm

First topic message reminder :

For those of us who use 'Twitter', I thought it might be worth having a thread to share some of the interesting tweets we come across. Here are three that I've read today:-

Nick Clegg says "families are at boiling point". Well you put the gas under them, Clegg!

When a man talks dirty to a woman its sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man its $3.95 a minute.

No income tax, no VAT
No points last week off Man City
The future’s grim, he's looking pale
Harry Redknapp’s off to jail.
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Re: Favourite 'tweets'

Post by Ivan on Tue Feb 23, 2016 9:35 am

Nadhim Zahawi says "Cameron is one of the best PMs this country has ever had". If you change just one word of that, he would be correct.

Republicans claim Obama won due to his race. Now they claim Hillary's support is due to gender. To them, only white men win on merit.

The late Rik Mayall's fictional character Alan B'Stard now seems quite genial if compared to the vicious and incompetent Iain Duncan Smith.

Restricting benefits to EU workers is a solution to a problem that doesn't exist.

At least the vast family wealth created by selling arms to the Nazis won't now get Bush The Even Thicker into the White House.

Downing Street trying to play down the emerging Tory divisions over Europe is like Californians trying to play down the San Andreas fault.

"The outers will build castles in the air of British greatness regained, 1950s restored, drawbridge up, foreigners repelled." (Polly Toynbee)

Poll says that 38% of Donald Trump's supporters in South Carolina want to bring back slavery.

I suspect that Charles Darwin would have doubted his theory of evolution had he encountered Iain Duncan Smith.

When the media refer to Boris Johnson as “a big beast”, I assume they mean he's overweight and often quite inhuman.

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Re: Favourite 'tweets'

Post by Ivan on Wed Feb 24, 2016 11:28 pm

After Donald Trump wins 40% of the Latino vote in Nevada, it's revealed that 39% of it was made up of unemployed Mexican wall builders.

"Cutting red tape" sounds laudable, but it’s Toryspeak for increasing corporate profits by making it easier for us to get injured at work.

I wonder if George Osborne watches 'Mr Selfridge'? It might remind him of the only real job he had in the past - one week of folding towels.

Boris Johnson is not in politics to make your life better. He's in politics to make his life better. First, last and always.” (James O’Brien)

After issuing a product recall, Mars insist the plastic found in their chocolate is still better than the toys found in Kinder eggs.

“If most of us are ashamed of shabby clothes and shoddy furniture, let us be more ashamed of shabby ideas and shoddy philosophies." (Albert Einstein)

Ann Widdecombe says the Pope is wrong to call for a ban on the death penalty, since it saves lives. Presumably in much the same way that guns do.

Munich has been named as the fourth best city in the world in which to live. Apparently Manchester has launched a multi-million pound bid for its mayor.

“Leaving the EU will make the UK more democratic”, insists unelected peer Lord Lawson of Blaby.

Boris Johnson gets his dad to defend him, Michael Gove gets his wife. Whatever happened to Tory self-reliance?

“Cameron's right - Mussolini and Idi Amin always showed respect with a tie done up smart, but Gandhi and Jesus were both a scruffy disgrace.” (Mark Steel)

After a gynaecologist was called in to perform an emergency c-section to deliver a baby gorilla on a weekend, Jeremy Hunt is demanding 7-day zoos.

Sussex has been part of England since 1066. Can't we have a referendum, so that me and other small-minded yokels can "get our county back"?

Jeremy Corbyn may not have a posh suit, but at least what he puts his body into isn’t made of bacon.
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Re: Favourite 'tweets'

Post by Ivan on Sat Feb 27, 2016 11:20 pm

I would much rather have an honest man who doesn't wear a suit or tie than an arrogant liar who does.

If the UK didn't still have its sovereignty, it wouldn't be able to hold this EU in/out referendum.

Gianni Infantino has been elected FIFA president in the second round of voting by a margin of $3.2m to $2.4m.

Was Cameron’s jibe about Corbyn’s suit pre-planned or off-the-cuff?

While the sycophants are sidetracked by ‘Clean For The Queen’, rest assured that the Tories will continue cleaning up the UK for themselves.

Ofcom tells BT it has to offer a much better service. BT replies: “You are in a queue, and your call is important to us”.

I know what my mother would have said: "Cameron should keep his trousers done up when he's near a pigsty".

“I will probably vote to stay in the EU, mainly because the Out campaign looks like the spliced genes of Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin.” (Jeremy Hardy)
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Re: Favourite 'tweets'

Post by oftenwrong on Sun Feb 28, 2016 5:44 pm

"Gianni Infantino has been elected FIFA president in the second round of voting by a margin of $3.2m to $2.4m."

I also enjoyed the Independent's quip:

They can't believe it's not Blatter!

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Re: Favourite 'tweets'

Post by Ivan on Wed Mar 02, 2016 11:36 pm

Schools in the UK are urged to teach non-contact rugby, or “playing against the All Blacks” as it’s known.

Iain Duncan Smith believes “leaving the EU would be like striding into the light”. Maybe yes if we were all vampires.

If Arsène Wenger had led the Israelites, they would have spent 40 years in the wilderness and still ended up in Egypt.

Osborne’s idea of financial acumen is to know which note to roll up for his pleasure.

‘Big Issue’ founder John Bird says he got into the House of Lords “by lying, cheating and stealing”. He should fit in nicely.

Jeremy Corbyn is happy to endorse closer ties with the EU, as well as looser ties for Labour leaders.

If Boris's Brexit position is not due his desire to lead the Tories, then I'll dedicate the rest of my life to teaching my cat Chinese.

“The EU is not about trade”, according to IDS. From the same brain that told us deprivation is ended by impoverishing people.

Gianni Infantino says “FIFA can be fixed quickly”. Isn't that part of the problem?

That has to be the worst link on ‘Marr’ since he discovered the missing one when Nigel Farage was first interviewed.

Kay Burley of ‘Sky News’ thinks the pension age for women is about to rise from 55 to 60. How out of touch can you get!

A Google driverless car has been involved in an accident with a bus after it swerved to avoid some tax.

When I die I want Arsène Wenger to lower my coffin into the ground, so that he can let me down one last time.

IDS is as logical as a 1960s LSD user who believed that strawberry yogurt flowed through the veins of the Pope on every other Wednesday.

Experts warn schools that tackling in rugby can lead to cognitive impairment and diminished verbal abilities.



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Favourite tweets

Post by Ivan on Fri Mar 04, 2016 11:58 pm

"Governments only concede referendums when governments are weak.” (Chris Patten)

I love Kathy Burke, but this Louise Bours character she plays isn't funny at all.

"Boris Johnson is giving out free bin bags to those serfs who want to clean the high streets for the queen while they wait for foodbanks to open." (Laurie Penny)

Not sure how to vote? Can Liz Kendall, Andy Burnham, Ed Miliband, Jeremy Corbyn, Caroline Lucas, Nicola Sturgeon and Leanne Wood all be wrong?

“The ignorance, selfishness and ‘I’m alright Jack’ mentality of some of those fortunate enough to be born in this country beggars belief.” (Gary Lineker)

I'd like to reassure Donald Trump that most people do indeed think of him when they hear the words "massive dick".

A UKIP woman on ‘Question Time’ said: "I don't want to be part of a campaign that gives people facts". How refreshingly honest!

“So, Jerry Hall, what first attracted you to billionaire……?” No, actually I still don’t understand it.

Tories are dogmatically opposed to state-owned energy - unless it's French/Russian/Chinese states owning UK energy.

“Disabled people should have to work their way out of poverty and not simply be taken out of it by state financial assistance.” (Iain Duncan Smith)

Of course Jacob Rees-Mogg will never believe in climate change. He’s still to be convinced that the earth isn’t flat.

Brain surgeon Ben Carson leaves the presidential race, as the number of people voting for Trump shows he will soon be swamped with work.

Police warn of an irony explosion after Iain Duncan Smith accuses the Remain camp of grossly misleading statistics and bullying.

“We understand the value of public services. All the Tories are interested in is the price of them.” (Jeremy Corbyn)

Keep that dress, Jerry, you might need it soon.



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Re: Favourite 'tweets'

Post by boatlady on Sat Mar 05, 2016 10:09 am

“We understand the value of public services. All the Tories are interested in is the price of them.” (Jeremy Corbyn)


I love that sunny
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Re: Favourite 'tweets'

Post by oftenwrong on Sat Mar 05, 2016 11:59 am

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Re: Favourite 'tweets'

Post by boatlady on Sat Mar 05, 2016 2:42 pm

That, too
Very Happy sunny
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Re: Favourite 'tweets'

Post by Ivan on Sat Mar 05, 2016 11:07 pm

Iain Duncan Smith says a report warning against Brexit is “a dodgy dossier that won't fool anyone". That description is also widely used about his CV.

When our hypocritical Bullingdon chums crashed and smashed up restaurants, do you think they went back the next day to clean for the queen?

According to Leave logic, if I hand over £5 in Greggs to pay for a sausage roll, but get £4.10 change, the sausage roll has cost me £5.

Scotland "is in danger of becoming a one-party state", says Cameron, who's in the process of trying to achieve the same result in England and Wales.

The Brexit callers to ‘Any Answers’ are not dissuading me from the view that this referendum has little to do with Europe and more with base xenophobia.

Of course the EU can change. It's been evolving since its inception. What it won't do is change just because Cameron snaps his fingers.

I wonder if Jerry Hall, like me, feels old age creeping up on her?

Inspired by the ‘Any Answers’ caller who is voting Leave to teach Cameron a lesson, I've burnt my house down because my wife left the top off the toothpaste.

Charles Windsor thinks we should all holiday in the UK this year. So can we assume he’ll be skiing at Windsor? No, I thought not.

The day I clean for the queen is the day I will hack my own head off with a spoon and deep fry it in batter whilst singing Chris De Burgh tracks.
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Re: Favourite 'tweets'

Post by Ivan on Tue Mar 08, 2016 11:15 pm

Boris Johnson is such a shameless hypocrite, frothing about Longworth's right to free speech whilst gagging pro-EU people who work for him.

"The offer of a referendum can bind parties together, while the holding of one can tear them apart." (Steve Richards)

It’s good to see that so many are becoming immune to Boris Johnson’s ‘charms’. Brexit isn't about 1000s of jobs being lost but one gained - his as PM.

Not sure on the EU? These charmers want out: Farage, Fox, Gove, Grayling, Hannan, Howard, IDS, Johnson, Lamont, Lawson, Nuttall, Patel, Redwood.

“The EU fuels terror and fascism” warns Michael Gove. Then Boris Johnson says that Remain supporters are using ‘Project Fear’.

Chris Grayling has the look of a funeral director who has been ejected from a trade conference for lowering the mood.

“USA has Trump, we have Johnson – two ‘same-hair’ Machiavellis who suck all of the oxygen out of the room.” (Bonnie Greer)

"On jobs, health and wildlife, the European Union is often all that stands between us and unfettered corporate power." (George Monbiot)

Boris Johnson has not U-turned. He never does. He simply performs screeching wheelies in front of us and we are meant to admire his verve.

A small earthquake has been recorded in Oxfordshire. Did Cameron drop his wallet?
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Re: Favourite 'tweets'

Post by Ivan on Thu Mar 10, 2016 11:32 pm

Boris Johnson is so convinced by the Brexit case that he once argued the EU should be enlarged to include Turkey.

Npower reveals it is to sack 2,400 staff, though that number is an estimate based on average yearly sackings.

‘Question Time’ from Dundee is a veritable ‘Who's That?’ of British politics.

Following a ‘Sun’ report claiming Mrs Windsor is in favour of Brexit, calls from Westminster ask for a retraction and one from Highgrove for an abdication.

I don't understand how making the same number of tired doctors cover more hours can be better for patients.

Now that ISIS members’ personal data has been revealed, they can expect to be heavily targeted by Scotts of Stow’s gift catalogue.

Chris Grayling is missing his calling as the imbecile teacher in a children's TV show.

Cameron's answers to Corbyn’s first 100 questions at PMQs: evasions 33, bogus statistics 31, crap jokes 19, personal insults 17, accurate answers 0.

Drug-cheat Maria Sharapova is distraught to have blotted Russia’s otherwise spotless record of sporting performance.

Police raid the UKIP headquarters after its occupants were mistaken for some stolen stuffed animals.

I see the big players in the EU referendum at the moment are Rupert Murdoch and Buckingham Palace. What a very special democracy the UK is.

Well done to Tory MPs for defeating Cameron on Sunday trading. Shame they couldn’t do it on minor things, like totally impoverishing the disabled.
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Re: Favourite 'tweets'

Post by Ivan on Sat Mar 12, 2016 8:18 am

Ben Carson: “I think there are two Donald Trumps”. Isn’t that true of most psychopaths?

Alleged "lack of sovereignty" in the EU hasn't stopped the NHS privatisation, the TU bill, the bedroom tax or IDS's murderous regime against the sick.

“The way a government treats refugees is very instructive, because it shows you how they would treat the rest of us if they thought they could get away with it.” (Tony Benn)

Ben Carson believes there are two Donald Trumps: the first is a clueless narcissist and the other is a racist bigot.

"The Lib Dems could be the main party of government in a decade." (Tim Farron)




Congratulations to all the Tory MPs who just blocked the debate on reversing NHS privatisation by filibustering for four hours. That’s democracy.

Why leave the largest free trade area the world has ever seen, just to hope that we might be able to strike a deal to get back into it?

“There must be a Canadian politician right now working up his 'and we're going to build a wall and make America pay for it' speech.” (Armando Iannucci)

If the Lib Dems are the main party of government in a decade, I’ll invite Tim Farron to Lords, where he can watch me open the bowling against Australia.

Ben Carson must be one helluva neurosurgeon. By endorsing Trump, he has removed the remaining pieces of his conscience without any scar tissue.
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Re: Favourite 'tweets'

Post by Ivan on Mon Mar 14, 2016 11:40 pm

Sarah Palin and Donald Trump - proof that not only water, but also stupidity, always finds its own level.

Some people believe that in a previous life George Osborne was a member of the band that played on the Titanic.

If Cameron thinks that Gove is "nuts", why the hell doesn't he sack him? Won't Rupert Murdoch let him?

“Help to Save - like stealing someone’s car and offering them a lift to the bus stop.” (Owen Smith)

Could hardly hear Osborne on ‘Marr’ over the sound of chickens coming home to roost. No amount of smoke and mirrors hides his idiocy.

Every time I hear Sarah Palin speak, I wish I didn't understand the English language.

Can't afford food or heating or to clothe your kids? Put aside some of the cash you no longer have and we'll reward you.

Donald Trump has described his opponents as "thugs" - but he'll no doubt offer again to pay legal bills for his supporters who assault them.

“The most bizarre thing for me is - what on earth was the Queen doing confiding in Clegg?" (Dennis Skinner)

Mug one disabled person and you may go to prison. Mug 640,000 disabled people and you may become leader of the Tory Party.

Low-paid workers who manage to put aside savings are to receive a bonus and automatic membership of the Magic Circle.

Would you want to recover from a serious accident if you were married to Sarah Palin?
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Re: Favourite 'tweets'

Post by Ivan on Thu Mar 17, 2016 11:46 pm

John Humphrys to George Osborne: "What's a bloke in your job got to do to get the sack?"

Keep Kay Burley off Twitter at Christmas time. She will get Satan and Santa mixed up next and children will be devastated.

Cameron says the Brexit mob "make it up as they go along". He's right, but that’s a bit rich coming from a man who has done little else for 10 years.

George Osborne is certainly keen on recycling - recycling all the lies and bullshit that he's trotted out for the last six years!

“Nicky Morgan is out of her depth in the shallowest of water.” (Barry Sheerman)

The thing about Osborne is this: if you missed one lie, another will be along in a moment.

Thousands of families are falling into poverty. The biggest danger to children's health is not sugary drinks but the Tory Party.

Someone throw Nicky Morgan a shovel, so that she can dig herself into that hole even more quickly.

George Osborne misses so many targets. If he tried to shoot himself in the head, he'd kill someone else.

Kay Burley certainly adds to the gaiety of the nation. She will be tweeting about Frank Sinatra's death next, or maybe Churchill’s.

"Life's tragedy is that we get old too soon and wise too late." (Benjamin Franklin)

If Nicky Morgan was a teacher, she would be sacked for failing to prepare and for not adequately communicating her ideas.

“Osborne pledged a garden city of 15,000 homes in Ebbsfleet. We’ve had 30 announcements and 368 homes - 12 homes for every press release!” (Jeremy Corbyn)

Zac Goldsmith is spreading the lie that Sadiq Khan is after your jewellery, while his party is taking the shirts from the backs of the disabled.
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Re: Favourite 'tweets'

Post by Ivan on Sat Mar 19, 2016 9:02 am

Iain Duncan Smith resigns in protest against his own policies.

The judge at Crufts who awarded a prize to a dog co-owned by her sister would fit comfortably into Cameron's corrupt regime.

George Osborne has unveiled legislation aimed at turning failing schools into failing academies.

I assume that Iain Duncan Smith’s resignation must be from his job. He left the human race years ago.

Very sad to hear from Kay Burley today of the death of Ethelred the Unready, one of Britain's best loved 11th century monarchs.

Q: What do you call a man with no legs?
A: £30 a week poorer.

As a mark of respect for IDS, I'm going to go round to my disabled neighbour and poke him with a sharp stick. It's what Iain would've wanted.

I’m so glad the government is imposing a top-down reorganisation of schools, since it worked so well with the NHS.

I had suspicions that Iain Duncan Smith might be resigning when he asked Mills and Boon to update his CV.



(Source: Wikipedia)

As Ben Nevis is found to be taller than previously thought, Boris Johnson says this is why we should never trust big European summits.

After skeletons from the Iron Age are uncovered in East Yorkshire, Kay Burley asks the police if they have any suspects.

If someone discovers the involvement of a pig's head in the resignation of Iain Duncan Smith, Twitter will burst.

"We have part of the obesity strategy, the sugar tax. I'm delighted that the chancellor has realised the dangers of coke.” (Chris Bryant)
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Re: Favourite 'tweets'

Post by Ivan on Mon Mar 21, 2016 11:40 pm

A man who hounded the disabled and sick resigns because another man proposed doing more of the same.

Why does George Osborne look like he's constantly struggling to keep his scaly lizard appearance hidden beneath the human husk he's wearing?

'One-nation Tory' is as disingenuous as 'compassionate Conservatism'. 'Divide and rule' is the way the Tories have always operated.

“George Osborne’s credibility is devaluing faster than a banknote in a banana republic." (Stephen Hepburn MP)

The inventor of the anagram has died. May he erect a penis.

With Iain Duncan Smith on the loose (rather than in jail where he belongs), it's hardly surprising that Osborne is always wearing a hard hat.

In 1752, Britain adopted the Gregorian calendar - 150 years after the rest of Europe, as 'little Englanders' wouldn't be dictated to by Rome.

The Tories are struggling with division. Osborne is also struggling with addition, subtraction and multiplication.

Nicky Morgan's stare has passed through the front room window and set off every car alarm in the street.

"Whatever the five year plan is with Osborne, it's always five years away." (Jeremy Corbyn)
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Re: Favourite 'tweets'

Post by Ivan on Fri Mar 25, 2016 11:23 pm

The Budget was passed with a £4,400,000,000 hole in it. That’s like a car passing its MOT with a dodgy exhaust and brakes.

“The train from Aberdeen is marvellous. I'm amazed Montrose and Arbroath exist, I thought they were made up to pad out the Scottish League.” (Mark Steel)

“All in this together”? We get very few hedge fund managers at our local foodbank.

Boris Johnson was forced to admit that EU regulations don’t ban Brits from recycling tea bags.

BHS is soon to disappear, following VHS but before NHS.

Electing Donald Trump as POTUS would be like chucking gasoline on the fire because you're too hot.

Peter Bone has visited a library, but we have no details of the colouring books that he borrowed.

“Hard to see how an attack motivated by hatred prompts some people to think that what we need is more hatred." (David Schneider)

When questioned about the ‘massive hole’ at the DWP, Stephen Crabb replied that it was no way to talk about his predecessor.

In Thackeray’s ‘Vanity Fair’, one character lives in the lap of luxury but dies face-down in a pile of mud. His name is George Osborne.
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Re: Favourite 'tweets'

Post by Ivan on Sun Mar 27, 2016 11:06 pm

The UKIP-backed Brexit campaign has recruited EU migrants to staff its call centre, despite saying "they deprive British citizens of jobs”.

Boris Johnson’s priorities – spend £60 million of public funds on a garden bridge, while shutting 10 fire stations after promising not to close any.

No doubt the Boat Race is important to some people, but it belongs to the time when the BBC used to cover ‘Debutante of the Year’.

In his Easter message from Lanzarote, Cameron says "pernicious ideology" must be defeated. We'll need a general election for that to happen.

“The best way to control the opposition is to lead it ourselves.” (Lenin)

Desperate stuff – now Brexit campaigners are claiming that Easter eggs will be cheaper if Britain leaves the EU.

I know it's not possible to contract diabetes from watching a TV programme, but I'm giving ‘The Queen at 90’ a miss just to be safe.

Boris Johnson is an egg head. Not the intelligent 'boffin' type, but an Easter egg head, a thin shell with a lot of wasted space inside.

I feel sorry for any restaurateurs in Oxford if any members of that losing Boat Race team also happen to be members of the Bullingdon Club.

"Vote Leave, take control" is a really stupid slogan. Does anyone think the Tories, busily carving up everything in sight, need more power?
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Re: Favourite 'tweets'

Post by Ivan on Sat Apr 02, 2016 4:47 pm

Presumably Cameron will now write a letter to the PM, complaining about the government stopping the EU from putting tariffs on Chinese steel?

April 1 is a day that most people take pride in telling creative lies to people who are supposed to trust them. To Donald Trump it's just Friday.

Of Wendi Deng’s two recent partners, one is a cruel, vengeful despot who ruins countries, and the other is Vladimir Putin.

Paul Mason to Ken Clarke: “It's all right dissing nationalisation until your banking system goes down, isn't it?”

Apparently, Mrs Windsor backs Brexit. She doesn’t want a rich, entitled, unaccountable and unelected elite running our country.

John Timpson sounded remarkably well on ‘Any Questions’ for someone who, according to Wikipedia, died in 2005.

“I don’t know if Ted Cruz really has five mistresses. If he does, let’s hope they have better access to birth control than he would propose.” (Bette Midler)

"Being a parent is not a skill school governors need", says Nicky Morgan. Being a gormless Tory twit is not what our education system needs.
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Re: Favourite 'tweets'

Post by oftenwrong on Sat Apr 02, 2016 7:18 pm

Oh, THAT Nicky Morgan

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Re: Favourite 'tweets'

Post by Ivan on Tue Apr 05, 2016 9:12 am

Apart from putting his life on the line and paying his taxes, what did Ralph Miliband ever do for Britain?

“Government confirms that all locks for stables from which horses have bolted will now be made from British steel.” (David Schneider)

In 1976, a 2-year-old Labour government was blamed for the IMF loan. In 2016, a 6-year-old Tory government gets no blame for the current mess.

I must phone HMRC later to tell them that I'm not paying a penny in tax because I find the system "onerous".

Watching Sajid Javid on TV gives the Welsh Tory leader "huge confidence". Did someone spike his kedgeree?

"It was revealed today that the PM is doing the work of two men - Laurel and Hardy." (Ronnie Corbett)

April 5 is a big day for tax avoiders. It’s the day in the year when interest is added to Cash ISAs at the Darlington Building Society.

Ed Miliband must be looking forward to ‘The Daily Mail’ doing a “man who hated Britain” story about Cameron's father.

If any Aston Villa players have purchased performance-enhancing drugs, I trust they will ask for a refund.

At least now we understand why this government sponsored a television advert saying “tax doesn’t have to be taxing”.
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Re: Favourite 'tweets'

Post by Ivan on Wed Apr 06, 2016 11:51 pm

“Put up or shut up.” Fury is the default response of Cameron when he's been rumbled and is on the ropes.

In Iceland the people are out on the streets with pitchforks in response to the Panama Papers. In Britain it's just another night of Corrie.

Cameron - Eton on untaxed money, Carlton TV thanks to Lady Astor, signed up by Tories because of royal connections. Nothing on merit.

The world of football is affected by Mossack Fonseca rumours after Harry Redknapp reveals he once tried to sign him for Spurs.

Cameron can't recall the number of homes he owns. Unlike thousands of young people who know the exact number of homes they dream of owning, one.

In Iceland people demonstrated in their thousands against tax avoidance. In the UK, people tweeted.

Today marks the start of the new tax year or, as they say in Panama, 'Hogmoney'.

As Ted Cruz wins Wisconsin, Donald Trump accuses him of being “a Trojan Horse”, although he’s not sure which part of Troja he’s from.

As their PM resigns over the Panama Papers scandal, Icelanders demand he has his assets frozen – a form of traditional outdoor punishment.

"Only paying tax credits to the first two children in a family penalises children for the decisions of their parents." (Jess Phillips)

Financial experts claim that tax avoiders can be very hard to tackle, particularly Lionel Messi.

Cameron: "I did not have offshore relations with that tax haven".
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Re: Favourite 'tweets'

Post by Ivan on Sat Apr 09, 2016 11:47 pm

When it was reported in 2012 that Jimmy Carr was using offshore companies to reduce his tax burden, Cameron called it “morally wrong”.

Suppose the significance of the Justin Welby story is that it's rare for the result of a drunken liaison to end up at Eton.

Remember how Cameron told us that Tories "are on the side of working people"? Especially if they are non-doms and have offshore accounts.

Zac Goldsmith owns two houses acquired through companies registered in the Cayman Islands. I expect he also puts the union flag on leaflets.

The motto for the Conservative spring conference in London was probably: “Tax, we remember that”.

Grateful for the convenient distraction caused by revelations about Justin Welby's DNA, maybe Cameron will request a test for Harry Hewitt?

If the UK had "lost its sovereignty", we couldn’t have opted out of Schengen and the eurozone or be holding a referendum on our membership.

"Cameron hasn't benefited from his father's offshore trust? Perhaps he got through Eton on a paper round." (Mark Steel)
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Re: Favourite 'tweets'

Post by boatlady on Sun Apr 10, 2016 9:37 am

Mark Steel is an acute commentator - usually makes me laugh out loud
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Re: Favourite 'tweets'

Post by Ivan on Wed Apr 13, 2016 12:48 am

A tax return is a pretty useless guide to whether people have money offshore on which they don't pay tax.

Press reports that Stephen Crabb could be the next Tory leader all sound a bit pie in the sky. Henry Crabbe might be more credible.

After weeks of division over the EU, it's touching to see the Conservative Party united by their shared avarice and sense of entitlement.

“Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please.” (Mark Twain)

Esther McVey on ‘The Daily Politics’ was like Eric Morecambe on the piano. All the words were there, but not necessarily in the right order.

Cameron doesn’t accept that there's one rule for the rich and another for the poor; he thinks there are no rules for the rich.

So the papers decided that the Whittingdale sex story was not in the public interest. Unlike Ed Miliband eating a bacon roll, or the danger his dead dad poses.

Led Zeppelin's ‘Stairway to Heaven’ plagiarism case continues, the contested section being the four bars you hear just before you turn it off.

Norman Lamont's soothing words over Brexit aren’t convincing. He couldn't predict what would happen on the Tuesday before Black Wednesday.

“The Alan Duncan guide to ‘low-achievers’ – teachers, nurses, the police, firefighters, soldiers, Jesus, Gandhi, Mozart, van Gogh, Rembrandt.” (David Schneider)

Cameron wants us to stay in the EU. How else can he oppose their attempts to crack down on offshore trusts and limit Chinese steel imports?

Rumour has it that John Whittingdale supports Brexit because he is attracted by the Norwegian model.

Nigel Farage says that he doesn't care what happens to him after the EU referendum. How nice to be able to agree with him for once.
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Re: Favourite 'tweets'

Post by Ivan on Fri Apr 15, 2016 8:42 pm

For many people, Brexit is about nothing more than good old-fashioned racism and hate. But they kid themselves otherwise.

Vote Leave is funded by billionaire Peter Cruddas, who splits his time between those well known British towns of Monaco and Antibes.

How can anyone on the left happily join the neoliberal ideologues and nationalistic Little Englanders who dominate the Brexit camp?

“There may be persuasive arguments for Brexit, a load of right-wingers promising to throw billions of extra quid at the NHS ain't one of them.” (Dan Snow)

The Aletsch Glacier in Switzerland was 3km longer in 1860 than it is now, and it's shrinking by 50m each year. No doubt UKIP will blame that on same-sex marriage.

The EU/Brexit issue would be much simpler if it wasnt draped in a George Cross dripping with xenophobia.

Why is it that unpopular UK government policies that get blamed on EU rarely seem to be copied by other member countries?

Nigel Lawson, who lives in France, nipped over to the UK to tell us that losing access to the single market wouldn’t be important.

“Brexit does not make any political or economic sense, but it does feel good to wave the flag and have a pint down the pub.” (Max Keiser)
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Re: Favourite 'tweets'

Post by Ivan on Sun Apr 17, 2016 1:22 pm

John Whittingdale dated a sex worker. "When I discovered I was in a relationship with someone like that, I ended it", she said.

After Bryan Adams cancels a gig in Mississippi over new laws on equal marriage, several other states think it might be worth a go.

It’s pathetic to see Boris Johnson using the Brexit campaign to position himself as a Poundland Donald Trump.

Labour says escort-linked John Whittingdale "had the sword of Damocles hanging over him". Which is a service she provided for an extra £150.

‘The people's queen’ - what a misnomer! When did Mrs Windsor last do a walkabout in Hackney, or buy a round in 'The Elephant and Castle'?

As we know Ian Botham's position on the EU, I assume we will soon find out who Justine Greening thinks should open the batting for England.

Demands have been made to the culture secretary for “the right honourable member to withdraw”, as leaving it in is £20 more.

"Mrs Windsor has served us for over 60 years", bleats fawn star Nicholas Witchell. Wrong, we've paid servants to wait hand and foot on her.

So Murdoch employee Ian Botham supports Brexit. Stephen Hawking supports Remain. I know whose judgement I value more highly.

Boris Johnson's agenda is simply "vote Leave so I can take control".

Isn't it time that Cameron asked Rupert Murdoch for permission to sack John Whittingdale?
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Re: Favourite 'tweets'

Post by Ivan on Wed Apr 20, 2016 11:48 am

Michael Gove wants to resign from a cricket club, rejoin for free, be guaranteed a 1st XI place and not be subject to the LBW law.

If brains were dominoes, Liz Truss would have the double blank.

Nigel Farage will be releasing the back of his fag packet to counter Treasury estimates on the economic damage of Brexit.

After news broke of a buried villa at the weekend, a spokesman insisted they would regroup and come back stronger next season.

So we must add Johnson's 70 million Turks to Farage's 29 million Bulgarians and Romanians, all heading to the UK. More utter tripe from Brexit.

‘University Challenge’ = how students try to pay off their tuition fees.

“Presumably all the Tories deriding Osborne's talents today were campaigning on the back of them under a year ago. Can't be right both times.” (James O'Brien) ‏

Donald Trump reminds the public to remain vigilant about the threat of terror, and if suspicious to dial 711 immediately.

Gove logic - I didn't renew my membership of the AA last year, and now I can’t understand why it won't come round and fix my car.

‘Hard-working royals’ and ‘compassionate Conservatives’ are phrases only used by idiots in the media and their brainless followers.

IDS says Cameron has asked Obama to 'bully' the British people over the EU. That’s from the man who spent 6 years bullying the poor, sick and disabled.

"Bloody people, I can't bear that man. He's so awful, he really is." (Charles Windsor, speaking about royal fawn star Nicholas Witchell)

George Osborne claims the poorest would be hit hardest by Brexit, which is surprising as that’s currently his job.

Heathrow braces itself for further drone problems for planes, as BT Sport sends Michael Owen and Phil Neville to cover the Champions League semi-finals.

The figures in a recent poll showed 94% for leave. The question was: ‘Should Michael Gove remain in Britain?’
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Re: Favourite 'tweets'

Post by boatlady on Wed Apr 20, 2016 7:06 pm

Rich pickings out there in twitterland just now
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Re: Favourite 'tweets'

Post by Ivan on Sun Apr 24, 2016 12:09 pm

Nigel Farage dismisses the opinions of Barack Obama and former US treasury secretaries and urges voters to focus on Ian Botham's batting record.

Kim Jong-un is to complain to the North Korean state broadcaster that his birthday never gets the blanket coverage Mrs Windsor has had.

“The smart way to keep people passive is to limit the spectrum of acceptable opinion, but to allow very lively debate within the spectrum.” (Noam Chomsky)

I never thought I’d live to see the day when The Red Cross and Save The Children would be providing emergency food aid in the UK.

I know Nicky Morgan is thicker than the earth's crust, but she’s the education secretary and can't spell ‘sincerely’ yet expects 10 year-olds to do so.

“Obama is a hypocrite for telling the UK what to do”, writes Boris Johnson in a paper owned by an Australian-born US citizen who tells the UK what to do.

From reading their sad drivel, I think UKIP supporters believe St George was born in a small village just outside Kettering rather than in Syria.

"Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery." (Spike Milligan)

Lost. Marbles. If found, please return to Mr B. Johnson, North London.

"We'll make up our own minds on Brexit", says Toby Young. Apart from those without minds who read 'The Sun' and are brainwashed by Murdoch.

One Twitter wag referred to Charles Windsor’s ‘Hamlet’ sketch as him “doing bugger all badly”. That could be a summary of his entire useless life.

I see that Turner is to appear on the new £20 note. No doubt that towering intellect Nicky Morgan will think it’s going to be Anthea Turner.

Brexit supporters claim we can't control our borders, but then one of them, Gisela Stuart, asks the home secretary to ban Marine Le Pen!

“I read in the blats that UKIP is to rebrand and become a movement. Only in the bathroom sense one assumes.” (Nicholas Soames)
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Re: Favourite 'tweets'

Post by Ivan on Wed Apr 27, 2016 9:34 am

Dennis Skinner told Jeremy Hunt to wipe the smug grin off his face. It's so entrenched though it would require surgery.

If 96 people had died at the Henley Regatta, their families wouldn't have had to wait 27 years for justice.

It’s strange how the BMA is a ‘professional body’ when it agrees with the government and a ‘union’ when it doesn't.

If Iain Duncan Smith had started Universal Credit during the Battle of Bannockburn in 1314, it might by now be fully operational.

Did Hunt hold his ‘Newsnight’ interview with James O’Brien standing up because he's terrified of getting his haemorrhoids treated by a junior doctor?

“We should all now be allowed to say disgusting vile things about Kelvin MacKenzie, but it still wouldn't make things even as they'd be true.” (Mark Steel)

As the Tories refuse to allow 3,000 refugee children to enter the UK, Philip Green offers to employ them in his new chimney sweep enterprise.

“Trying to get Hunt to understand the life of an overworked student nurse is like trying to get an Amazonian tree frog to understand the plot of ‘Blade Runner’.” (Frankie Boyle)

The scale for how to conduct yourself after grevious public wrongdoing has John Profumo at one end and Kelvin MacKenzie at the other.

As Jeremy Hunt describes junior doctors as “the backbone of the NHS”, debate rages as to which body part he represents.
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Re: Favourite 'tweets'

Post by oftenwrong on Wed Apr 27, 2016 12:16 pm

"If 96 people had died at the Henley Regatta, their families wouldn't have had to wait 27 years for justice."

Policemen below the rank of Chief Constable would not be admitted to Henley, surely?
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Re: Favourite 'tweets'

Post by Phil Hornby on Wed Apr 27, 2016 12:38 pm

(alamy.com)
" I suspect that even if I became Chief Constable, at best I would end up handing out canapes at the Regatta..."
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Re: Favourite 'tweets'

Post by Ivan on Sun May 01, 2016 3:05 pm

“I love Bollywood”, says Zac Goldsmith, before failing to be able to name a single Bollywood film or actor.

My response when anyone tells me to "have a nice day" is to assure them that I've already made other arrangements.

It’s a shame we can't get Philip Green interested in running British Steel; alas, their pension fund has already been ransacked.

Breaking news: BBC announces that Bob Hoskins is to star in a remake of the James Bond film 'You Only Live Twice'.

Ken Livingstone was fighting fascism while Chris Grayling's future mates were printing leaflets calling for Mandela to be hanged.

Some people used to say that cricket was a slow game. Then they started televising snooker.

Sorry Brexiters, but you're more likely to be treated by an immigrant in the NHS than have to queue behind one.

Zac Goldsmith says he loved Bob Marley and The Wailers, yet he couldn’t remember the name of the lead singer.
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Re: Favourite 'tweets'

Post by Ivan on Thu May 05, 2016 10:41 am

Zac Goldsmith is everything the Tories stand for - a posh boy pointing at someone and saying "he's not one of us, he's one of them".

“What a great footy season! Premiership elite beaten; Blatter deposed; Liverpool fans get prices down. It's like we're getting our game back.” (John O’Farrell)

Overspending does slant the result of an election in your favour, which is why it's illegal and why the Tories do it.

Only £30,000 spent on a rattle for Charlotte? If people at food banks had any patriotism, they'd give up their beans and send them to her.

Tories, May 2015: Ignore issues. Spread fear about the SNP.
Tories, May 2016: Ignore issues. Spread fear about antisemitism.

The Romanians have been banned from Eurovision in Sweden. Is it because Farage is "uncomfortable" about them being so close to his UK house?

Goldsmith says he'd be the greenest mayor if elected. And we'd be the greenest voters if we believed him.

Is the new royal hamster the eldest male baby hamster from the previous royal hamster?

“I love all these statistics coming out, such as how Leicester spent less on players than Chelsea spent on post-match After Eight mints.”  (Mark Steel)

Vote Conservative - if you hate the poor, the disabled, the homeless, students, teachers, Muslims, junior doctors, unions, badgers and foxes.
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Re: Favourite 'tweets'

Post by Ivan on Sun May 08, 2016 12:16 am

"We're coming second almost everywhere we stand" says Nigel Farage, who is rarely in a fit state to stand at all after a night in his local boozer.

After Lynton Crosby receives a knighthood for political service, Ken Livingstone says he's looking forward to getting one for race relations.

“As the Tories have lost London to someone they called a ‘friend of terrorists’, I presume they'll all piss off to Canada for their own safety.” (Mark Steel)

Neil Hamilton has been elected to the Welsh Assembly. Order some more brown envelopes.

Is Britain safe with a knight of the realm in the person of Lynton Crosby?

After facing criticism for saying the demise of the BBC is "tempting", John Whittingdale is reported to be disappointed that he won't be disciplined.

Trending on Twitter: Lynton Crosby, Toby Young and Neil Hamilton. All we need for a full house is Michael Fallon, Katie Hopkins and the Zika virus.

‘The Evening Standard’ is distributed free, but it’s still overpriced.

The religion of Britain First's Paul Golding means that he has to obey the daily call to prayer and face towards the birthplace of Oswald Mosley:-



https://pbs.twimg.com/media/Ch1es5VXAAE12bA.jpg
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Re: Favourite 'tweets'

Post by Ivan on Thu May 12, 2016 11:55 am

Is it just me or does David Cameron describing Nigeria and Afghanistan as “fantastically corrupt” sound like it’s meant as a compliment?

The Chilcot Inquiry comes out on 6th July. I bet he's like a student and up all night for the last week, as he hasn't actually started yet.

Labour lost some elections last week, which is disastrous for Corbyn, and won some elections, which is disastrous for Corbyn.

Intrigued to see that Cameron is chairing an anti-corruption conference! What can we expect next - Hannibal Lecter promoting vegetarianism?

Sunderland has finished fourth from bottom, the position which now guarantees survival and the Premier League trophy next season.

Cameron's message to Jewish people: "Vote Tory because we love you guys. But shut up about refugees; what do you know about it?"

“A British corruption conference is like selecting Libya in 2003 to chair the UN Commission on Human Rights.” (Simon Jenkins)

Why does Boris Johnson start each sentence that he speaks with a seal impression?

Thicky Nicky Morgan says “there will be no reversal of policy”. Quite, it's hard to reverse and U-turn at the same time.

It beggars belief that Cameron chairs an anti-corruption conference while his party is being investigated for election fraud.

Good to see that the honourable and trustworthy Neil Hamilton is back in politics.... said absolutely no one ever, not once.

Of course it's wrong to post sexist abuse about Laura Kuenssberg. But it's not wrong to seek the sacking from the BBC of a biased Tory mouthpiece.

Cameron is to introduce a new corporate money-laundering offence. Those convicted will be sentenced to a knighthood.

Nigel Lawson was an “economic giant”, according to Gove. He caused an economic meltdown and now lives in France yet wants to stop free movement.

Nicky Morgan making a statement is like watching a sixth former debating, albeit without the intelligence, wit, charm or sophistication.

These fantastically corrupt countries where their politicians use their wealth to illegally buy elections! At least that could never happen here.

If Iain Duncan Smith is now “a champion of the poor”, then Boris Johnson must be a champion for Vidal Sassoon.

Zac Goldsmith’s mother says her son is “the least racist person I know”. However, she only knows Philip Windsor, Donald Trump and the KKK.

Good news for Sir John Chilcot. The suit he wore when he started his inquiry is now back in fashion.
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Re: Favourite 'tweets'

Post by boatlady on Thu May 12, 2016 6:04 pm


Nicky Morgan making a statement is like watching a sixth former debating, albeit without the intelligence, wit, charm or sophistication.
- keep waiting for her to start saying - 'yeah, but - no, but'
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Re: Favourite 'tweets'

Post by Ivan on Sat May 14, 2016 9:17 am

Breaking news: UK's entry in Eurovision has been withdrawn and replaced by rank outsider Boris Johnson mumbling 'Ode to Joy' in Etonian.

Cameron demands change at his anti-corruption summit, although he would prefer used notes.

The world's oldest person dies at 116, after seeing WW1, WW2, the light bulb and space flight, but not the Chilcot Report.

John Whittingdale is getting a lot of stick. He's had criticism at work too.

Why is it 'bad' if a parent keeps a child out of school but 'good' if schools are closed for a royal wedding or jubilee?

The Tory Party releases revised guidelines: overclaiming benefits = fraud, overspending on elections = administrative error.

LGBT index finds that Azerbaijan is the worst place to be gay in Europe, apart from at a UKIP conference.

Michael Fallon only went into politics because he didn't have enough charisma to become a funeral director.
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Re: Favourite 'tweets'

Post by Ivan on Sun May 15, 2016 4:30 pm

Jacob Rees-Mogg thinks the government should reinforce the independence of the Bank of England by firing its governor, Mark Carney.

BBC sends £3 million a year to the European Broadcasting Union towards the cost of Eurovision. That would be £7 million to a Brexit liar.

Sadiq Khan calls on Jeremy Corbyn to start winning elections. I wonder if Jeremy Corbyn has ever lost an election?

After winning a £50 voucher, Mrs Windsor is spotted going into a Tesco Metro in Luton and heading straight for the swan aisle.

"I wouldn't expect an expert on economics to back Brexit." (Iain Duncan Smith)

A pig’s head has been found outside German chancellor Angela Merkel’s office. Will Cameron send his new 'Air Farce 1' to collect it for him?

Eurovision took longer than usual this year. Rumour has it that the producer of the event was Sir John Chilcot.

A woman in the USA has died aged 116, leaving Jacob Rees-Mogg as the last surviving link to Victorian times.

There will be no football played at Old Trafford today. Much the same as all season really.

"I don't respond to personal abuse. If I did, I wouldn't get anything done." (Jeremy Corbyn)
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