Favourite one-liners

Mae West:-

“A man in the house is worth two in the street”

“You gotta get up early in the morning to catch a fox and stay up late at night to get a mink”

“When women go wrong, men go right after them”

“Men aren’t attracted to me by my mind. They’re attracted by what I don’t mind”

“It’s not the men in my life that counts, it’s the life in my men”

“A hard man is good to find”

“Keep a diary and someday it’ll keep you”

“She’s the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of success, wrong by wrong”

“I’ve found that too much of a good thing can be wonderful”

“I never hated a man enough to give him his diamonds back”

“Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before”

“Marriage is a great institution, but I’m not ready for an institution”

“Give a man a free hand and he’ll run it all over you”

“Sometimes it seems to me that I’ve known so many men that the FBI ought to come to me first to compare fingerprints”

On being told that ten men were waiting to meet her at her home: “I’m tired, send one of them home”

".... but at least we get to keep the Olympic Stadium ........"

Groucho Marx:-

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
I find television very educational. Every time someone switches it on I go into another room and read a good book.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.
Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.
I thought my razor was dull, then I heard his speech.
When I invite a woman to dinner I expect her to look at my face. That's the price she has to pay!
I’m so ugly that my mother had morning sickness after I was born.
You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I'll bet he was glad to get rid of it.
A moose is an animal with horns on the front of his head and a hunting lodge wall on the back of it.
Here's to our wives and girlfriends... may they never meet!
I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions — the curtain was up.
I have nothing but respect for you, and not much of that.
I made a killing on Wall Street a few years ago...I shot my broker.
I remember the first time I had sex — I kept the receipt.
I'm not feeling very well, I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.
If you fall out of that window and break both your legs, don't come running to me.
If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.
It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.
Now, there's a man with an open mind. You can feel the breeze from here.
Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men. The other 999 follow women.
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.
She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his cheque book open.
The secret of success is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake those, you've got it made.
I intend to live forever, or die trying.
Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.
Die, my dear? Why that's the last thing I'll do!

AND


Women should be obscene

Two regular one-liners from my three-year-old grand-daughter :

(a) " Grandad - have you brought me any chocolate buttons..?"

(b) - (about two minutes after buttons handed over) : " Grandad - are you going home soon...?"

Never criticise your wife's taste - look who she married.

We were going round the Supermarket buying the usual stuff, when I put a litre of Malt in the trolley. This brought a tirade of "Truthfull Anecdotes" from Mrs A. in the tone that most of the store could hear.
I turned to the woman standing next to me, you could see she was "lost for words" and quietly asked while shaking my head - "Madam, do you talk to YOUR lord and master like that?"

That was when female (?) number two was on my case! This lady started picking on her husband like it was all HIS fault (he did have more than a wry smile on his face!) AH shopping!

Well, that's enough about me, isn't it. What do YOU think about me?

"My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met."
(Rodney Dangerfield)

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband: "You know, I was a fool when I married you". The husband replied: "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice".

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another: "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other woman replied: "Yes I am, I married the wrong man".

Advert in a newspaper - "Wedding dress for sale, £100. Worn once by mistake."

A man said that his credit card had been stolen but he had decided not to report it, since the thief was spending less than his wife did.

Jewish brides always promise to love , honour and oyvey...!

I wouldn't dream of joining any Club that would have me as a Member.
Groucho Marx

From a wit whose name I cannot recall at present:

" Your book is both good and original . Alas, the parts which are good are not original, and the parts that are original are not good..."

You were only supposed to blow the bloody doors off!

“Pecunia non olet” or “The money doesn’t smell,” Roman Emperor Vespasian declared when criticized for imposing a tax on public toilets

Two old dears in the hairdressers
#1 I think I'll make some cakes when I get home

#2 I'm thinking of getting my arsehole bleached



#1 OH? I cant picture your Jim as a blonde!

What do you give a Greek with a scratch card?


A coin to scratch it with.............

Simon Wiesenthal has said that “For evil to flourish, it only requires good men to do nothing.”

I watched the London Marathon this year and saw one neterant dressed as a chicken and one dressed as an egg, I thought ths could get interesting.

We have five people in my family and as one in five poeple in this world are chinese I'm wondering if its my Dad, Mum, our kid Yau Hu Ming or my sister Carole.

We're all in this together.

November 22, 1963 12:30 p.m.

"I never realised before just how good brains can taste."
Lyndon Baines Johnson

Give a man a gun and he can rob a bank. Give him a bank and he can rob the world.

When the Isle of Dogs Bank hit trouble, they called in the Retrievers.

Businessman abroad, on postcard to wife at home :

" Weather is here; wish you were lovely..."

Never criticise your wife's judgement - look who she married!

Few women can be as fortunate as Mrs Hornby...and I have only her still to convince of the fact...

Show her the Avatar, Phil!

It's ok - she already knows the halo has been cut off...

All the world is an illusion.

So say several ancient traditions and philosophies.

QUOTE: "I never vote. The closer you get, the more you can smell the shit."

Adam Boulton, Sky News Monday to Friday 1 pm to 2 pm

Last night I reached for my liquid viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Tippex.
I woke this morning with a huge correction.

Women should be like golf caddies, either holding your balls or getting your bloody tee ready!

"If Bill Shankly was alive, he'd be turning in his grave."
(A caller on a radio show after a Liverpool F.C. defeat)

Dago footballer calls another one a n****r.

We're all part of The Big Society

Childrens Errors.

Christians are allowed only one wife, and this is called monotony.

A lie is a sin, but a very present help in time of trouble.

You shall not admit adultery.

Oldham isn't twinned with any other town but instead has a suicide pact with Doncaster...

I can get it for you Wholesale - trust me!

Courtesy of Ivan in "Twitter" mode ....

Why is it considered good for the Falkland Islanders, but bad for the Scots, to have the right of self-determination?