Favourite jokes

The great Gramoldi

A stranger walked into a doctor's surgery. The doctor said what can I do for you?
Nothing really doctor,I just need someone to talk to.You see I have lost my sense of humour.
The doctor said I have been a GP for 40 years,that is the saddest thing I have ever heard.
Without a sense of humour life is not worth living.This my friend is your lucky day.I have something that will help you.
Thats good of you doctor said the the stranger but nothing can help me.
The doctor said I have here tickets for the circus that is visiting this town.
I know what you are trying to do doctor,but I am afraid it will not work.
The doctor said this is no ordinary circus,this is the circus that has the funnyiest clown that ever lived The Great Gramoldi.
No one can watch Gramaldi without splitting their sides laughing.
It is good of you doctor said the man,but it wont work because you see I am The Great Gramoldi.

Conversation between George Burns and Gracie Allen about a photograph :

George : Your mother cut my face out of the picture.
Gracie : Oh, George, you're being sensitive.
George: I am not! Look at my face! What happened to it?
Gracie : I don't know. It looks like you fell on it.

They just don't write 'em like that anymore...

The police pulled a car in for doing 22 miles mph.Why have you stopped me said the old lady.Because 22 mph is as bad as speeding.Officer the sign says 22.Lady the sign the A22.By the way why are your passingers looking so scared.Take no notice of them officer,I have just come off the A 120

At the Infants' School Nativity Play, the scene is the stable where three wise men have appeared with gifts for the baby Jesus:

!st Wise Man : " I bring you gold.."
2nd Wise Man : " I bring you myrrh..."
3rd Wise Man : " .and Frank sent this..."

( Allegedly, it actually happened as described...)

The day Microsoft makes something that doesn't suck is probably the day they start making vacuum cleaners.

atv wrote:The day Microsoft makes something that doesn't suck is probably the day they start making vacuum cleaners.

.............. which is rather to misunderstand the entire raison d'etre of American Business, President Reagan, and his disciple Margaret Thatcher.

But the best joke does indeed come from the sayings of Ronald Reagan - "I'm from the Government, and I'm here to help you."

IF you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:
If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:

You haven't understood a bloody thing!

About 8 years ago my wife and I were on holiday in Zante
It was our last day so we could not do much.
We had a last walk around the outside of the hotel.
I suddenly broke wind. my wife said stop that there is a woman sat over there,
she will have heard that.Then the wife said "stupid me,she wont know what it was,
she does not speak english".

I say, I say! My dog's got no nose.

Your dog's got no nose? How does he smell?

Awful.

An old couple go in to a doctors and ask if they can make love in front of the doctor.
The receptionist says this is a private practice,It will cost you £70.
Ok says the man.After the deed is done the doc says,no need to worry,you two are fit as fiddles.
A few days later same again.After third time doc says why are you wasting your money like this.I told you there is nothing wrong.
The old man says,its like this doc.We cannot go to my house,the wifes in.We cannot go to her house,her husbands in.
The cheapest hotel is £90 a time.So we pay you £70 and claim £60 back off Bupa.

When Essex Girl explained that she could only enjoy sex with the light on, new boyfriend obligingly opened the car door.

I say, I say! My dog's got no nose. Your dog's got no nose? How does he smell? Awful..

I once read that there are only seven jokes altogether. This is a variation on the one above:-

A soldier goes to his commanding officer and asks if he can keep a goat in the barracks. "Goat?", said the officer, "what about the smell?". "Oh", said the soldier, "I think the goat will get used to it".

We passed an evening in the company of a successful comedian some time ago, and his principle objection was people who listened to one of his jokes and immediately "capped" it with a similar one. Which is probably no more than association of ideas. Bill Maynard suggested that there are two reasons why we laugh at jokes - shock and surprise.

Are there any other reasons?

Embarrasment?

"I would never have thought of that!" or "I would not have said thet in this company!"

?

An 85-year old man tells his doctor that he intends to marry an 18-year old girl.

The doctor says : " You realise it could prove fatal"

The man says : " I know, but if she dies, she dies..."

I can't remember what I was going to say, I’m having amnesia and deja-vu at the same time.

I suspect I’ve forgotten it before.

A brash American rancher visiting Britain tells a local farmer :

" I can get on my horse at sunrise and ride right round the perimeter of my ranch and don't get back 'til sundown..."

The farmer says : " Yes -I had a horse like that once..."

"Mail-order Brides" are a species familiar to many outlying rural areas, and one such was met at the isolated railway-station by her frontiersman fiancee in his pony and trap. Proceeding towards the man's homestead along a rutted, dusty track, the animal stumbled and was roundly cursed by the farmer ending with the words, "That's ONCE!"
Half an hour later on the journey, there was a recurrence, and the farmer exclaimed, "That's TWICE!" Not long after that, the poor animal stumbled again whereupon the man grabbed his hunting rifle and shot it dead.

The town-girl was appalled at this action, and berated her new companion at length about his cruelty and the rights of dumb animals to be respected. The farmer let her run herself down, and when she'd finally finished telling him her opinion, he responded .................

"That's ONCE!"

Advert Poster in local Vets Surgery.......

Get your pet micro-chipped. Cats and Dogs £12, OAP's £10

Are you sure they're only joking?

Yeah it's the new name tagging device for OAP ASBO's!

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 76).

We decided to grab a bite at the food court.

I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him..

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors - green, red, orange, and blue.

My dad kept staring at her.

The teenager kept looking and would find my dad staring every time.

When the teenager had had enough, she sarcastically asked:
"What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke
on his response; I knew he would have a good one!

In classic style he responded without batting an eyelid :

"Got stoned once and had sex with a parrot.
I was just wondering if you might be my kid..."

It was Hallowe'en the other night. Or as paedophles call it : 'Christmas'...

You can always tell which is an Irish submarine. It is the only one with deck chairs.

My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the 60's group The Monkees.
I thought she was joking ........ and then I saw her face, now I’m a believer

I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen, ungrateful bleeders.
All I said was, 'hurry up for goodness sake, some of us have got homes to go to!'

I went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting paedo and other names at me just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50. It completely spoilt our 10th anniversary.

Joan was sitting at her husbands hospital bedside. He was in and out of consciousness. When he opened his eyes he looked at her with tears in his eyes and beckoned her to come near.
'Joan, you have been with me all through all the tough times. When I lost my business, you were with me. When I lost the house, you were with me. When I got shot, you stuck with me. When my health failed, you were still by my side. And do know what?'
She smiled...What darling?

I think you're bad luck!

Edinburgh Zoo is obsessed with Sex.

One for the Christmas cracker:-

Q: What's the difference between Father Christmas & Nick Clegg?
A: Some people still believe in Father Christmas!

Things can only get better!

While walking down the street one day David Cameron is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven", says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we’re not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in", says Cameron.

"Well, I’d like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we’ll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I’ve made up my mind, I want to be in heaven", says Cameron.

"I’m sorry, but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly and nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes.

They are having such a good time that before Cameron realises it, it's time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises….

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

"Now it’s time to visit heaven."

So, 24 hours pass with Cameron joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realises it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well, then, you’ve spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."

Cameron reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."

So, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he’s in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. "I don’t understand", stammers Cameron. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there’s just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

The devil looks at him, smiles and says: "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted."

.......... and that fellow upstairs that looked so much like you...? That was God. He only THINKS he's David Cameron.

As you can imagine, there are plenty of jokes about Andrew Lansley in circulation, some not suitable for posting on a forum! Labour MP Grahame Morris has compared him to a broken arrow because “he doesn’t work and you can’t fire him”.

I found these on the internet in Tom Pride’s blog:-

Q: What’s the difference between Andrew Lansley and a canary?
A: They’re both yellow with clearly bent bills, but these days nobody would dream of taking the bird down a mine to be gassed.

Q: How can you tell the difference between Andrew Lansley lying dead in the road and a dog lying dead in the road?
A: With the dog there will be skid marks.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To get away from the doctors protesting against him.

Q: What have you got if you bury Andrew Lansley up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.

Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Doctor.
In that case, keep out while the Health Secretary’s visiting the ward or you will be arrested.

Two men were walking through a cemetery, and passed by a headstone inscribed “Here lies Andrew Lansley, a consummate politician and an honest man.”
After reading the inscription, one of the men turned to the other and said: “I didn’t know they were allowed to bury three people in the same grave, did you?”

A visitor to a hospital is stopped by a member of staff in the car park:
“Sorry to bother you but during a visit to the hospital some demonstrators have taken Andrew Lansley hostage and are threatening to drain all his blood, fill him up with petrol and set him on fire unless he drops his NHS reform bill. So we’re asking around for donors in case the worst comes to the worst and he needs a transfusion. Would you be willing to donate?“
“By all means, but I’m not sure of my type.”
“Don’t worry, any type will do, unleaded, 4-star, diesel……”

Epitaph to a foul-tempered wife.

Should she have gone to realms above, Farewell to peace and heavenly love.

But if she's sought the lower level. The Lord have mercy on the Devil.



Parish notice.

There will be an Adam and Eve Social evening in the Parish Hall next Thursday.

Starts 8.00 pm. Leaves off at midnight:oops:

old one that goes round and round, just like likkle me!!


Some years ago, Paddy married an attractive woman, Maggie, half his age, in a small coastal Irish community..

After several months, Maggie complained that she had never climaxed during sex and according to her Grandmother all Irish women are entitled to a climax once in a while.

So, to resolve the problem, they went to see the Veterinarian since there was no trustworthy doctor anywhere in the village. The Vet didn't have a clue, but he did recall how, during the hot summer, his mother and father would fan a cow that was having difficulty breeding, with a big towel. This would cool her down and make her relax.

So the Vet told them to hire a strong, virile young man to wave a big towel over them while they were having sex. This, the Vet said,would cause the young wife to cool down, relax, then climax. So the couple hired a strong young man from Dublin to wave that big towel over them as the Vet suggested.

After many efforts, Maggie still had not climaxed so they went back to the Vet. The Vet said for her to change partners and let the
young man have sex with her while Paddy waved the big towel. They tried it that night and Maggie went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a half hours.

When it was over, Paddy looked down at the exhausted young man and in a boasting voice said: 'And that, me son, is how ya wave a towel!'

The N'toto people had been Christians for many years when they were visited by a western theologian, famous for his radical views.

He was welcomed by the chief,who showed him round the tribal area, pointing out the really large number of animals they possessed, a sigh of their riches.

Before he was to leave the chief asked the theologian to preach to them a sermon. The theologian was a bit worried about the reception he would receive and the language difference, but agreed when the chief assured him they all understood English.

'My friends' the theologian began, 'Christianity is really one myth among many tribal myths'.

'Kabola! Kabola!' the people shouted enthusiastically.

'As a matter of fact, it is doubtful if the resurrection ever happened as a historical event'.

'Kabola! Kabola! cheered the crowd.

The theologian was encouraged by the warm reception he was receiving and continued.

'I'm so glad you understand my views better than many western people. You see, God is really in all of us and Jesus was just an example of that'.

'Kabola! Kabola!' they went.

He went on to speak about other aspects of Christianity and ended by saying 'It is doubtful whether God himself, in the sense of the word, exists at all!'

'Kabola! Kabola' the crowd roared.

The theologian, having finished his sermon, stepped down happy at the successful reception he had received from the N'Toto's.

'One last thing before you go' said the chief, 'I would like to show you our herd of cattle, but be careful not to tread in the Kabola'.

The captain of an airliner announced to passengers that three of the engines had failed and that they would now be at least four hours late into Gatwick. A snooty Tory woman in a tweed suit turned impatiently to her companion and said: " I hope the fourth engine doesn't stop or we'll be up here all night..."