Favourite 'tweets'

by **Ivan** Thu Jan 26, 2012 5:23 pm

First topic message reminder :

For those of us who use 'Twitter', I thought it might be worth having a thread to share some of the interesting tweets we come across. Here are three that I've read today:-

Nick Clegg says "families are at boiling point". Well you put the gas under them, Clegg!

When a man talks dirty to a woman its sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man its $3.95 a minute.

No income tax, no VAT
No points last week off Man City
The future’s grim, he's looking pale
Harry Redknapp’s off to jail.

by **Ivan** Tue Jul 17, 2012 3:18 pm

The same people who demanded to see Obama's birth certificate are defending Romney for not releasing his tax returns.

I don't usually buy ‘Cage Fighting World’, but this month you get a free packet of sweet pea seeds.

After less than a week of refusing to resign, Bob Diamond quit. And Jeremy Hunt whispered "lightweight" under his breath.

YouGov: Best Chancellor in last 30 years - Brown 20%, Lawson 10%, Clarke 7%, Major 6%, Howe 4%, Darling 3%, Lamont 2%, Osborne 1%.

Why is it, when people rob banks they go to prison, when banks rob people they get a bonus?

Being a Lib Dem voter must be like being halfway through a sandwich when you notice some blue mould.

Ashley Cole was asked if he found it uncomfortable to be associated with an alleged racist. "No, we're divorced now", he said.

Bob Diamond's resignation ends: "You have been charged a £30 administration fee for this letter". Old habits die hard.

It's never been a level playing field has it? But this government has taken no time at all in turning it into a very nasty slippery slope.

The G4S fiasco is yet another example of our fabulous efficient private sector having to be bailed out by the evil lazy public sector.

If Barack Obama cured cancer, the Republicans would accuse him of restricting the individual rights of cells to reproduce.

For the upper class, corporations are far more important than the human beings whose sweat builds them.

Scientists believe they have discovered the elusive Higgs Boson. Work continues on locating Nick Clegg's spine.

It’s hard to tell when Osborne makes a U-turn because he's forever going round in circles.

BBC can follow every centimetre of the Olympic torch's journey, but hardly gave any coverage of the privatisation of the NHS.

I'm a little tired of being lectured about 'entitlement' by a PM whose position in life was bought and paid for by the wealth of his parents.

It takes 7 years to train a GP. If there are more doctors in the NHS now, it isn’t because of this government.

Useful things can happen in the space between having opinions and being opinionated.

Cameron, who left his child in a pub, gives us lectures about family life. Yet he and his ilk sub-contract parenting to nannies and private schools.

Having a Conservative Minister for the Disabled is like having a butcher for lambs.

“Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed by those who are dumber.” (Plato)

How ironic. Cameron, criticises the "something for nothing society." How much of your own personal wealth did you create, Dave?

Saw Carlos Tevez with the ‘RIP Fergie’ poster and thought the royal family had been up to no good with their in-laws!

BREAKING NEWS - Rupert Murdoch regrets hiring David Cameron as Prime Minister.

This Tory-led government, which introduced a fixed 5-year parliament for itself, wants to make it easier to fire people.

“Arbeit macht frei” - said in 1873 novel by Lorenz Diefenbach, placed at Auschwitz entrance in 1940, repeated in English by IDS in 2010.

We have a monarchy, an unelected House of Lords and a cabinet full of inherited wealth, yet Cameron talks of wanting to end "the culture of entitlement".

Yes, let's deregulate. Treating employees vaguely like human beings is what's holding this country back.

News: Police confirm naked man on London Bridge screaming "what does a guy have to do to get arrested in this town?" is Jeremy Hunt MP.

“To recommend thrift to the poor is both grotesque and insulting. It is like advising a man who is starving to eat less.” (Oscar Wilde)

by **Ivan** Sun Jul 29, 2012 1:38 pm

Problems with illegal immigrants go way back. Native Americans used to call them "white people".

“Don't do drugs kids! They make you see imaginary things! Like Louise Mensch seeing Cameron protecting the NHS!” (Adele Carlyon)

Olympic Breaking News............George Osborne passes a positive Dope Test.

Don't have a job? This government will demonise you. Stand up and fight to save your job? This government will demonise you.

BREAKING: Adam Smith says he was holding the bell when it flew off its handle and hit the woman and that Jeremy Hunt knew nothing about it.

"Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people." (Eleanor Roosevelt)

My son just asked me what a Conservative is, so I stole half his toys and gave them to the rich family next door.

Why is George Osborne still in his job? I thought he wanted to get rid of underperforming public sector workers?

Reason I hate the London Olympics is it gives the BBC and other TV news channels an excuse to ignore totally the evils being suffered!

Tax avoiders may be 'named and shamed' by HMRC. Couldn't they just publish the Tory Party donor list?

Everything that's wrong with the USA in just three 'Gs' - God, guns and the GOP.

"All that is necessary for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing." 18m people did not vote in the 2010 election, and we got the Tories.

Cameron's real reshuffle: Virgin to Health, G4S to Home Office, Wey to Education, News International to Culture, ATOS to DWP.

by **Ivan** Fri Aug 17, 2012 11:45 am

Mitt Romney's tax return is seeking asylum at the Ecuador Embassy.

Do you think Rupert Murdoch regrets having made Cameron Prime Minister as much as we regret having one of his hacks as Education Secretary?

Cannot be fair that millionaires who can afford limousines and chauffeurs get a 5% tax cut, yet train users get another big fare rise.

"Anyone who says they are not interested in politics is like a drowning man who insists he is not interested in water." (Mahatma Gandhi)

I get hope from activism and seeing people coming together against Tories. Tories hate people mobilising, they want them isolated.

91-year-old man taken to hospital "as a precautionary measure". Last week Tories told us more old people should be treated at home.

Had the South African batsmen been confronted with Onions at Lord's, they might well have ended up in tears.

As I grow older I grow saddened why anyone would ever vote Tory. I think it can only be a case of having different DNA.

Kinda wondering what William Hague would be saying if some South American state put a phalanx of police on the doorstep of a British Embassy.

"To keep silent when we should protest makes cowards of men." (Abraham Lincoln)

Virgin Care boss Graham Henderson is married to Tory Health Minister Ann Milton. Shame on the Tories for yet more sleaze.

The USA needs more women in government, not more government in women, GOP!

I thought we had a privatised rail industry? Why are we subsidising it while shareholders take the profits?

Distressed tourist rushed up to us today and said he'd just witnessed a robbery! We explained that petrol is always this expensive in the UK.

"The greatest tragedy in mankind's entire history may be the hijacking of morality by religion.” (Arthur C. Clarke)

Cameron’s idea of ‘The Big Society’ is that we all work for nought, we line the pockets of his buddies, while they take profits to off-shore accounts.

A Level results go up - exams are too easy. A Level results go down - schools are failing children.

Mitt Romney spokesperson says it's easy to confuse 'Sikh' with 'sheikh’. I suppose it's as easy as confusing 'Mormon' with 'moron’.

Never forget how multimillionaire Cameron claimed DLA for his late son, yet he prevents less well off people from claiming it now.

There might be a lot fewer wars if the politicians who declared them were expected to be on the front line throughout the entire conflict.

New poll suggests 110% of people would rather have Ozzy Osbourne as Chancellor of the Exchequer than George Osborne.

“Labour is not a socialist party, it's a party with socialists in it.” (Tony Benn)

If there was an award for laziness, I'd probably send someone to pick it up for me.

Why can’t someone with a minor 35-year-old criminal record stand for election as police commissioner, yet someone convicted of perjury can remain a lord?

I believe George Osborne is the man to steer us through recession. I also believe that Stevie Wonder should perform my laser eye surgery.

When people complain about 'multiculturalism', you usually find they're in favour of a well-behaved white monoculture that has never existed.

John Major was PM in 1996 when GB had its worst ever Olympics – after 17 years of Tory rule during which 10,000 playing fields were sold.

If capitalism rewarded hard work, innovation and risk, nurses, scientists and firefighters would be richer than bankers.

Trusting Tories with the NHS is like letting vampires babysit your kids.

by **Ivan** Thu Aug 23, 2012 9:37 pm

Thatcher was given half a million by convicted mega thief Nadir. She would have taken a tenner off Hitler if it suited.

Ladies, if a man says he will fix it, he will. There's no need to remind him every six months about it.

Tories say NHS is rubbish but then want to sell the brand and expertise overseas; they accuse sick and disabled of not wanting to work then shut Remploy.

"Religion is regarded by the common people as true, by the wise as false, and by rulers as useful." (Seneca)

It's good Philip is out of hospital, but awkward for the Queen: she's had his room repainted and put his stuff on eBay.

Iain Duncan Smith - a millionaire married to an aristocrat, who insults and sacks Remploy workers and robs the sick disabled and poor.

Took my girlfriend to a wine-tasting evening. The vintner said to her: “Do you spit or swallow?” She told him to mind his own business.

It is sickening to see the NHS being handed to marketing spivs who care not a jot for the patient and only care for a fast buck.

The Pussy Riot sentence is an outrage, but are we in a position to condemn? We sent a kid to prison for looting mineral water.

"If Thatcher has a state funeral, it will be the first with a 21-gun salute where they shoot the coffin.” (Frankie Boyle)

When I went for a visa to go to Australia they asked if I had a criminal record. I didn’t know you still needed one.

by **Ivan** Sat Sep 22, 2012 12:53 am

Clegg has gone from supporting free education for the young to compulsory workfare for them. Even Judas had the decency to hang himself.

Is there any Tory involved in the business of running this country who is neither a crook nor a thug, and who is competent to do their job?

The Annual Conference of Clairvoyants has been cancelled due to unforeseen circumstances.

Now that we've all learned our f*****g place, perhaps we can remember never to put an out-of-touch moron into No.10 ever again. If only. (Sonia Poulton)

Hey Clegg, I've just checked my birth certificate and I can confirm I wasn't born yesterday.

Thatcher decided that Britain's future power generation should rely on Russian gas rather than British coal mined by British miners.

Pictures of natives dancing around the royal couple in grass skirts - just in case anyone thought the world had moved on from colonialism.

If Nick Clegg is going to apologise for every bad thing the Lib Dems have done, YouTube had better install more memory.

Tories don't want educated people, they want obedient workers. People just clever enough to do the work and just dumb enough to accept low pay.

Richard III - 500 years in a wooden coffin. Talk about splinters of discontent.

My girlfriend wanted to do a Pilgrim/Native American role play, so I shot her dad and moved into his house.

David Cameron giving Paralympic gold medals with one hand, taking away disability benefits with the other. Touching...

"I've got a soft spot for Nick Clegg - face down on Hackney Marshes with my boot on his head." (Jo Brand)

"We should improve teacher training", says Gove. This is the man who says schools don't need to hire qualified teachers!

Vote Romney? Mormon bishop, gullible enough to be fooled by Joseph Smith – a charlatan as plausible as a Nigerian scam. (Richard Dawkins)

So David Laws is one of the Liberal Democrats’ intellectuals is he? Wonder if the Guild of Tel Aviv Pork Butchers has more members?

So it wasn't actually the Olympic Torch David Beckham was delivering on the speedboat, it was a box of Milk Tray to Katherine Jenkins.

"What is Toryism, but organised spivvery?" (Aneurin Bevan)

I wonder what first attracted 28-year-old Nur Nadir to her 71-year-old multimillionaire husband Asil?

George Osborne finally has a Plan B. It's actually the same as Plan A, but it’s been marked down by Michael Gove.

by **Ivan** Thu Sep 27, 2012 9:30 pm

Mitt Romney was born with a silver spoon in his mouth. But it had to be removed quickly to make room for his foot.

"Clegg declared that if people wanted protest not power they should vote Labour, which most are apparently already doing." (Peter McHugh)

Right-wing media in Britain says Chavez government "squanders billions of dollars of oil revenues" - would that be on social programmes?

Awkward moment for Romney in Colorado - a homeless guy asked him for a dollar, but all he had was some Swiss francs.

Eric Pickles is "proud to be a pleb"? Since when did it mean odious fat bastard?

Nick Clegg says: "The past is gone and is not coming back." Why isn't this man a rocket scientist with that brain?

Romney said he'd create 12 million jobs in his first term. He hasn’t said yet whether he’d create them in China or India.

The sign outside Liverpool John Lennon Airport has just been amended to read: "Above us only sky ... and below us only QPR and Reading."

When Nick Clegg suggests something like a wealth tax, do you think the Tories laugh in his face, or do they wait till he's left the room?

Romney says marriage should be between one man and one woman. His grandfather believed it should be between one man and five women.

"What greater sign could there be of a government with its priorities wrong than one which gives tax breaks to millionaires & P45s to nurses?” (Andy Burnham)

John Terry has retired from international football to spend more time with the wives of his team mates.

Tories - party for whom tax avoidance, NHS privatisation & ATOS judgments are just fine, but being asked to use another gate? Furious.

When Romney visited a firehouse in New York, he was disappointed when he learned that it wasn't where you get to fire people.

Christians were originally referred to as atheists in the Roman Empire because they didn’t believe in polytheism.

Dear Rick Perry: Jesus didn't say "forgive us our trespasses, as we lethally inject those who trespass against us”.

A 'Cledge' is a promise you'll never keep, nor ever believe you'll have to. (Emily Thornberry)

Recent hurricanes have been so strong I'm surprised they haven't blown some of Romney's money back into the USA.

by **Ivan** Sat Oct 13, 2012 3:37 pm

This government is like carbon monoxide poisoning. Most people won't even realise what's being done to them until it's too late.

Right-wing Christians who condemn homosexuality as “unnatural” should ask themselves how natural virgin births and resurrections are.

“Cameron says work is the only way out of poverty. He neglects to mention that most households in poverty are working households.” (Owen Jones)

With all due respect (and that’s not much), Grant Shapps has a striking resemblance to a get rich quick dot com entrepreneur.

"The greatest risk for violent extremists in Pakistan isn't American drones. It's educated girls.” (Nick Kristof)

“BBC says unless Con Dems continue with austerity “Britain will have no future”. What? We'll disappear if we start being fair to sick people?” (Sonia Poulton)

Dave's right. The Tories “don't preach class war”, they practise it.

Nye Bevan on the Tories: "If you are selling shoddy stuff, you have to be a good salesman."

Mitt Romney and Jeremy Hunt’s abortion position – both are staunchly pro-life but don’t give a damn once you’re born.

It's nurses who keep you safe hourly when you are in hospital, and we have 5,000 fewer thanks to Cameron.

“If liberty means anything at all, it means the right to tell people what they do not want to hear.” (George Orwell)

Aspiration Britain: Aspire to everything, attain nothing, as everything is being rapidly stolen by a corporatist, fascist state.

The austerity drive in Britain isn’t really about debt and deficits; it’s about using deficit panic as an excuse to dismantle social programmes.

Jeremy Hunt lecturing Labour on the NHS. Next up, Hannibal Lecter on vegetarianism.

“Religions are like fireflies. They require darkness in order to shine.” (Arthur Schopenhauer)

Labour's borrowing paid for schools, roads etc. Tory borrowing just pays for people to be out of work.

“Boris talked about the “age of excess under Labour” - after calling for £80 billion to be spent on a new airport in the Thames.” (Adam Bienkov)

“I told Grayling (a vacuous dial-a-prejudice populist) in the Commons that he was the arsenic replacing old lace” (Paul Flynn MP)

Sod a leadership challenge, I want to see Boris Johnson and Cameron on Jeremy Kyle talking about their Oxford thuggery.

I wonder if the Tories are discussing culling the poor as well as badgers?

"The Tories always hold the view that the state is for the protection of the swag of the property owners." (Nye Bevan)

If you’re worried that having too many children might lose you benefits, Cameron will probably advise you to leave one in a pub.

If Osborne ran a failing pie shop, his plan wouldn't be more sales, marketing, innovation or quality; he'd just remove the fillings.

“Should have aborted this government after 12 weeks.” (Fiona Phillips)

"We don't practise class war" says head of government of private-school-educated millionaires making big cuts to public services for the poor. (Mehdi Hasan)

If there is a god who made this brilliant universe, trust me he would not need nor ask our obedience/faith.

“'We'll end something for nothing culture' say Tory rich boys who inherited wealth and claimed disability benefits they didn't need.” (Sonia Poulton)

“A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing.” (Joey Adams)

Jeremy Hunt has given G4S a £13 million NHS contract, despite their Olympics fiasco. Wonder if their £400k in donations to Tory Party helped?

Would like to know what the hell Tories are playing at planning yet more welfare cuts. What idiots vote for this cruel party?

Next time Tories try to whip up anti-union hate, remember TUC secured paid leave, weekends off, maternity leave, safety in workplace.

A Republican member of the House Committee on Science, Paul Broun, has dismissed evolution as a “lie straight from the pit of hell”.

“We've studied the evidence and concluded Jeremy Hunt 's tenure as Health Secretary should be reduced from 24 months to 12 hours.” (Piers Morgan)

The Tories claim they are “making the hard decisions for Britain”. Such as how much money to give to their cronies in tax cuts.

“You actually really never stop loving somebody. You just learn how to live without them in your life.” (Marilyn Monroe)

The Tories are not for ‘one nation’. They believe in social cleansing in inner London and victimising the disabled, pensioners and unemployed.

“Most conservatives would rather have a white president who lies, than a black president who tells the truth.” (pari_passu)

A top Tory "thinker" believes public sector workers who are sacked will decide to vote Tory! Run that past me again.

“If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're misinformed.” (Mark Twain)

As Ed Balls says, following WW2 we had a deficit twice as large as the one we have today, yet we created the NHS, council houses and welfare.

“Can we have a 12 week limit on Jeremy Hunt opening his mouth again? Cannot believe Cameron made this man Health Secretary.” (John Prescott)

Why wasn’t Abu Hamza’s appeal against extradition on health grounds referred to ATOS? They’d have declared him fit as he walked in the door.

"David Cameron is taking more money from the disabled than he is from the banks." (Yvette Cooper)

by **Ivan** Sun Oct 28, 2012 12:32 am

Cameron may not want prisoners to have the vote, but most of them have done less damage to this country than him and his Tory spivs.

Admit it Mitt, your grandpa lived in Mexico because he was a polygamist and couldn't live in the USA. Yet Obama's family is suspect?

“We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.” (Aesop)

Felix Baumgartner is already lining up his next big challenge......getting Andrew Mitchell to tell the truth.

Severe bug breaks out at the first privatised NHS hospital after Tory hedge fund moguls sack 50% of cleaners.

Only in America can gun ownership be a right and healthcare be a privilege.

Cameron is so slimy and so mired in filth that he wouldn't come clean if thrown in a washing machine.

“Hope is the fuel of progress. Fear is a prison into which we confine ourselves.” (Tony Benn)

The Abrahamic god is undoubtedly the worst genocidal maniac that has never existed.

My doctor said I have to spend 30 mins every day doing something to raise my pulse and leave me breathless. So I’ve taken up reading ‘The Daily Mail’.

“When I get a little money, I buy books; and if any is left, I buy food and clothes.” (Erasmus, 1529)

Poor old Mitchell's walked the plank, he's only got himself to thank, for though your cool may start to ebb, you can't call Mr. Plod a pleb.

Osborne expects first class seat, while Wandsworth’s Tory council refuses disabled parking badge for woman with terminal cancer.

New word for the dictionary: ‘testiculating’ – waving your arms around and talking bollocks.

“Only very slowly and late have men come to realise that unless freedom is universal it is only extended privilege.” (Christopher Hill)

After Cameron's behaviour at PMQT, I was wondering if it's time for a new reality TV show called 'Toffs Throwing Tantrums'?

This is what I think about abortion. I think as I'll never experience pregnancy, I should probably avoid preaching to women about it.

Tories are the party for whom tax avoidance, NHS privatisation & ATOS judgments are just fine, but being asked to use another gate? No way!

Danny Finklestein writes leaders for ‘The Times’; he also wrote Osborne’s conference speech. ‘The Times’ praised Osborne the next day - he wrote that too!

If suicide risk is a deciding factor for the Home Secretary, why isn't it for the Minister for Work and Pensions?

Cameron promised us "transparency" in the election, and yes, most of us can see right through him.

by **Ivan** Wed Nov 21, 2012 11:37 am

The American president is chosen by an electoral college. The UK government is chosen by Eton college.

"Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich." (Napoleon)

Why do Lib Dems support Obama in US but Cameron in UK? That’s like betting on Spurs to win whilst wearing an Arsenal shirt!

Cameron saw an 'A & E Department' on a photo shoot in a hospital recently. He thought it stood for arse and elbow.

To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior'.

The word ‘politics’ comes from the Latin ‘poli’, meaning ‘many’, and ‘tics’, meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’.

George Osborne would be out of his depth in a car park puddle. If you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you’d be entitled to some change.

The richest 225 people in the world have as much income as the world's poorest 4 billion.

“We all know Downton Abbey is a costume drama; the Tories think it’s a fly-on-the-wall documentary.” (Ed Miliband)

Labour man on his deathbed announced he'd become a Tory. When his friend asked why, he said "I'd rather one of theirs died than one of ours."

Give a Tory a problem and 'privatisation' is always the answer. When that fails it’s because we didn’t privatise enough.

"I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting." (Ronald Reagan)

Foster parents will have to pay the bedroom tax but parents of pupils at boarding schools like Eton won't.

During the so-called 'brain drain' after World War Two, not a single politician left the UK..........

Phil Woolas had to leave the House of Commons for lying in his 2010 election leaflet. So how come there are still Tories and Lib Dems in there?

“To know what people really think, pay regard to what they do, rather than what they say.” (Descartes)

“Gold-plated public pensions a media myth for most ... the average local council pension this year is £4,406.” (John Healey MP)

The new Archbishop of Canterbury says he feels privileged. As an Old Etonian and former oil magnate, that doesn't really come as a surprise.

Tories don’t need a cabinet, just that chap from ‘Flog It’ and a weekly TV slot: “Next item – a nice health centre at a knock down price.”

Nice of Cameron to come home for two minutes' silence - after wearing a poppy while flogging weapons to Middle Eastern despots.

There is a very easy way to return from a casino with a small fortune: go there with a large one.

If the NHS is supposed to be safe in Tory hands, let’s hope they never take up juggling.

by **Ivan** Thu Dec 06, 2012 10:38 am

To show his gratitude to soldiers who served in Afghanistan, Cameron is planning to let them go to the front of the queue in Job Centres.

Did you know Eric Pickles is one of the few things on earth that can be seen from the moon?

I spend years telling readers that doomsday isn't coming in 2012 and then idiot George Osborne comes along with his autumn statement.

I hope Tory MPs enjoyed watching Nadine Dorries getting voted out of "I'm A Celeb". It was like a little dress rehearsal for them in 2015.

“So in short, economic bloodletting hasn't worked so we'll do more of it and add bit of environmental destruction too.” (Caroline Lucas)

I'm embracing the hereditary principle. My plumber is busy so he's sending his son to fix my boiler. No dafter than a hereditary head of state.

The only way the Tories will ever shorten dole queues is if they make the claimants stand closer together.

“If Osborne was a doctor at my bedside insisting that I was recovering, I'd expect the next visit to be the priest giving me the last rites.” (David Lammy)

British Prime Minister Rupert Murdoch rejects the main recommendation of Lord Leveson, according to his spokesperson David Cameron.

It's good the Tories are raising the motorway speed limit to 80mph. People will be able to get to the jobs they don't have even faster.

Indignorance is a feverish state of impotent, ill-informed outrage afflicting ‘Daily Mail’ readers.

Cameron did intend to move Eric Pickles in his recent reshuffle, but even with the entire cabinet pushing it proved impossible.

Elephant in the room is press ownership. Until that's broken up we don't have a free press, we have a bought press.

The Tories have certainly been clamping down on people who don't pay tax - the elderly, the disabled and the unemployed.

When Cameron said he was "going to do the right thing for the country" at the EU summit in Brussels, I assumed he was going to resign.

Cameron's dismissal of Leveson is his first payment to the press for support at next election and for ignoring wrong policies.

If I had a pound for each time Cameron said he was going to sort out the UK's problems, I'd be rich enough to live under a Tory government.

Next time the Nasty Party talk of “waste of taxpayers’ money”, remind them of the PPC elections.

“It would seem David Cameron's address is no longer 10 Downing Street: it's now Flat 2, Rupert Murdoch's arse.” (Stephen Fry)

IDS thinks it's unreasonable for anyone to receive more than £35,000 p.a. from the state, yet he claimed £98,000 in expenses last year.

by **Ivan** Wed Dec 12, 2012 11:51 pm

In the English language, two or more cheetahs are known as a coalition. It's the same in politics as well.

By living in Downing Street, George Osborne is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

"I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away." (Phyllis Diller)

Q: What do Lib Dems and students have in common? A: Both on a course for 3-4 years that they'll be paying for for the rest of their lives.

‘The Sun’ is outraged by a prank with unintended circumstances, but was quiet about its sister paper's intended hacking of a murdered girl.

David Cameron says we all have to pull together. What he means is that he wants a firm flush to finally send Britain down the toilet.

Q: What's the difference between a plastic surgeon and Michael Gove? A: One tucks the features up....

"Class warfare has been going on for the last twenty years, and my class won." (Warren Buffett)

Cameron told journalists his daughter nudged him to vote for Will Young in ‘Pop Idol’. But his daughter was born two years after Young won!

"When I see a person living in a cardboard box or a pensioner who can't manage, I see a victim of market forces.” (Tony Benn)

Osborne hasn't got a 'Plan B' for the economy because it would involve two areas where he's vulnerable - economics and the alphabet.

Kate is under doctor’s orders to rest. How will she tell the difference from her normal life? It's not like she's got hoovering to do.

If work is such a marvellous thing, the rich would have kept more of it for themselves.

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading." (Paul Hornung)

It’s a standard Tory lie that the rich pay more if you ask them for less! 50% income tax rate would yield £2.7 billion.

"Mrs Thatcher surprised everyone by buying a house in Dulwich, instead of moving to Bolivia with the rest of the Nazis." (Jo Brand)

When Cameron and Osborne went in a pub with a labrador, people came to stare. A rumour had spread that there was a dog with two arses.

When I tried to get hold of a copy of the 2010 Lib Dem manifesto, I was told: "Sorry, but we've sold out."

If George Osborne missed the number 66 bus, he'd probably take the number 33 bus twice.

Anyone at Starbucks who thinks we'll be placated because they've opted to pay £20m tax needs to wake up and smell.......(I didn't say it!)

Q: What’s the difference between Osborne and Scrooge? A: One is a selfish, avaricious git, the other is a fictitious Dickens character.

Francis Maude, a member of a government that sacked over 1,000 Remploy workers, criticises nurses for lack of compassion and human kindness!

Cameron and Osborne conveniently forget that in 2007-8 they were promising to match Labour's spending plans.

“Is there anything more repellant than a gang of millionaire politicians trying to turn poor people against each other?” (Owen Jones)

Mr Osborne, who earns £134,565 and has a £4 million trust fund, said he was "sharing the nation’s pain".

Never be afraid to do what's right. Society's punishments are small compared to the wounds we inflict on our soul when we look the other way.

"If a rich man wants to help the poor, he should pay his taxes gladly, not dole out money at a whim." (Clement Attlee)

If I was to stand at a checkout in Tesco and nick food from wheelchair users, I would, rightly, be arrested. Osborne is doing just the same.

"Advocates of capitalism believe the fortunate must not be restrained in the exercise of tyranny over the unfortunate." (Bertrand Russell)

George Osborne’s argument seems to be: “I’m taking £6 a week off those earning £10,000 a week but only £5 off those on £75 benefits.”

Religious arguments against gay adoption are undermined slightly by the fact that Christ had two dads.

“Rather than abolish the deficit by 2015, UK will now have the worst deficit in the Western world by 2015.” (Fraser Nelson)

Will and Kate's early pregnancy worries continue as they discover maternity and paternity benefits will only rise by 1% for the next three years.

“On the day millionaires get a £100k tax cut, the small print says Osborne is cutting maternity pay.” (Tom Watson)

The Liberal Democrat MPs are likely, out of self interest, to insist that job centres aren't axed by the Tories before the next election.

"My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met." (Henny Youngman)

If I had a quid for each time Cameron said he was going to sort out the UK's problems, I'd be rich enough to live under a Tory government

“While the media spends a fourth day attacking Aussie DJs - who's arresting George Osborne for fiddling expenses?” (Sonia Poulton)

The only hope now for the Tories is the personality cult – maybe a blonde Aryan to dupe the public. Anyone on the horizon?

“Fascism should more appropriately be called corporatism because it is a merger of state and corporate power.” (Benito Mussolini)

I spent years telling people that doomsday wasn't coming in December 2012, and then along comes George Osborne with his autumn statement.

by **Ivan** Sun Dec 23, 2012 12:55 am

George Osborne is only Chancellor because he's Cameron's Bullingdon Club chum. He's so stupid he could jump off a boat and miss the water.

“We saw that prohibition didn't work, so we repealed that amendment. As ‘bearing arms’ no longer means muskets, let's repeal the 2nd Amendment.” (Michael Moore)

Mitchell may not have used the word ‘pleb’, but people were readily able to believe he did because it sums up the Tory Party’s attitude.

“It's too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxis and cutting hair.” (George Burns)

4 million children in the UK - one in three - are currently living in poverty, while bankers share £7 billion in bonuses.

I can't understand how so many Americans think the right to own a gun can be more important than the right to be a kid and not get shot.

£9 billion more government borrowing in November than a year ago. But George Osborne's not a complete idiot - some parts are missing.

Christmas approaches, so it's time to share some good will and “say it with flowers”. Let's send Thatcher some triffids.

Unemployed to be forced to use the government job website. And what if they have no internet access, or don't know how to use it?

Q: What's the difference between a supermarket trolley and a Lib Dem MP? A: The trolley has a mind of its own.

"I took my in-laws out for tea and a biscuit. They weren't too pleased when they had to give blood before they got it." (Les Dawson)

Osborne couldn't make any of the pieces in his new jigsaw puzzle fit together. Then his wife told him to put the corn flakes back in the box.

"Merry Christmas"? Try saying that to tens of thousands of poor and disabled people whose lives are being ruined by this government from hell.

Republican headbanger Mick Huckabee blames the Newtown massacre on abortion pills, iPhones and homosexuals.

Q: Why is ‘Big Society Cluedo’ easier than the original ‘Cluedo’? A: There’s no library.

“Every vote for the Liberal Democrats is a vote to keep our NHS safe." (Nick Clegg, January 2010)

Income from the Duchy of Cornwall provides Charles Windsor with £18 million a year. How much good could a decent person do with that?

"There was a fire at the main Inland Revenue office in London, but it was put out before any serious good was done." (Ronnie Corbett)

How strange that when Cameron reminds us of the rise in the income tax threshold, he never mentions the extra VAT which Osborne imposed.

OECD says income of richest 10% of people in UK is 12 times that of poorest 10%. In Germany, Denmark and Sweden, that figure is just 6 times.

Don't you love the way flight attendants show you how to use a seat belt, just in case you haven’t been in a car since about 1956?

Charles Windsor has seven boiled eggs lined up for his consideration every morning, while more and more of his future 'subjects' rely on food banks.

"I don't mind if my children grow up to be gay, just as long as they don't grow up to be Tory MPs." (Charlotte Church)

After a 1996 mass shooting, Australia enacted strict gun laws. It hasn't had a similar massacre since.

Johnson points to the number of affordable homes he's built in London. He never acknowledges it was with money Ken got from a Labour government.

I hope Mrs Windsor checked her handbag after being in the cabinet room with that lot.

Why doesn’t Osborne check the curtains at the corporation tax collection department? Nobody appears to be awake there.

Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, the Easter Bunny and compassionate Conservatives all have one thing in common - they're fictional.

"My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands. Two of them were just napping." (Rita Rudner)

If brave teachers can stand up to a gunman and lose their lives in the process, why can't US politicians stand up to the NRA?

First they came for the immigrants, then they came for the disabled, then they came for the unemployed. What will you do when they come for you?

"The reason there are so few female politicians is that it is too much trouble to put make-up on two faces." (Maureen Murphy)

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

“Michael Gove - a compound of arrogance, spite, Thatcherite zeal and incompetence.” (Richard Seymour)

30 years ago, only 8 US states automatically licensed anyone with no criminal record to carry concealed weapons. Now 38 states do.

"Nothing can be more absurd than the spectacle of a few fat men exhorting all the thin ones to tighten their belts." (Michael Foot)

Question to worry Christians. If you don't know right from wrong without the Bible, how do you know Satan didn't write it?

The utter hypocrisy of cabinet ministers like Maria Miller, attacking the poor while leeching huge expenses from taxpayers, beggars belief.

This is confusing; to work harder, the poor need less money but the rich need more.

Mark Pack is listed by 'The Daily Telegraph' as "one of the 50 most influential Liberal Democrats". Didn't realise there were that many left.

"The further a society drifts from truth, the more it will hate those who speak it." (George Orwell)

by **Ivan** Fri Jan 04, 2013 4:06 pm

UK, the 7th richest country in the world, enters 2013 with a government keen to slaughter public services and increase hatred, poverty and homelessness.

In 1909, Liberal Lloyd George laid the foundations of our welfare state. Is he turning in his grave as the Lib Dems support its destruction?

Cameron's vision of the 'Big Society' - do it yourself, because we don’t care.

Guns don't kill people. By a strange coincidence, people without guns are very unlikely to shoot anyone.

Andrew Mitchell admits swearing after police refused to let him exit through the main gate. What's the problem? We would be arrested!

There's nothing 'trickle down' about the Conservatives, apart from trickle down blame and lies.

Margaret Thatcher described General Pinochet's totalitarianism and crimes against humanity as heroic. She called Nelson Mandela a terrorist.

There is not a single government policy where members of the cabinet do not benefit financially. We are not being governed, we are being robbed.

I once lived in East Grinstead. As I recall, it was so boring there wasn't much to do other than prepare for the next world.

While you’re all getting worked up over what Thatcher did or didn’t quite do 30 years ago, have you noticed her successors are succeeding?

Eric Pickles is so fat that when he ordered a water bed they laid a blanket on the North Sea.

Can I remind you all that libel laws apply to Twitter accounts? Be careful when accusing Jim Davidson of being a comedian.

‘The Guardian’ has revealed that Charles Windsor has held private meetings with eight government ministers in the last twelve months.

Thatcher privately pushed for an end to the NHS, and yet at her 1982 party conference announced the NHS is "safe with us". Sound familiar?

‘The Thoughts of Danny Alexander’ - this new book is the first to be published as a single tweet.

Google generated around £2.5 billion in UK sales last year but paid just £6 million in corporation tax. Google UK boss is an adviser to Cameron.

We have food banks in our major cities and people are barely scraping by. Government thinks hunting is the issue, church thinks it's gays.

The coalition's Christmas message was: "For whosoever hath, to him shall be given, and he shall have more." (Matthew 13:12)

No gay person has ever tried to tell me whether I can or can't get married, or where I can get married. Can we extend that courtesy to them?

BREAKING NEWS: Opinion poll says 10% of Britons are giving Osborne's policies the thumbs up. The other 90% are using a different digit.

Where there's muck there's brass, and members of the Tory Party.

The UK would have been a better place if Cameron's mother had thrown him away and kept the stork.

What is it with these government ministers and being unable to tell the truth? Is 'lying' on the curriculum at Eton? It seems History isn't.

It's amazing the only growth the Tories could find this year was on Thatcher’s bladder. Even that resulted in cuts!

“The best thing about recording Downton Abbey is that you can fast forward through the programme to get to the ads.” (John Prescott)

To celebrate the Jubilee, Cameron gives the Queen 60 place mats and abolishes the NHS for 55 million of her subjects.

Any woman who looked as old and knackered as John Humphrys would not get a job on prime time BBC.

A recession is when your neighbour loses his job. A depression is when you lose your job. Recovery will be when Cameron loses his.

“The best way to combat rabies is with more rabies”, says the National Rabies Association.

Presumably Charles Windsor’s complaint of a supposed lack of compassion in the NHS came after he'd worked a long shift on a busy ward.

My hearing isn't what it could be, but I think I just heard that John Terry is going to become the next US Secretary of State.

If someone has 'the Midas touch', everything they handle turns to gold. It would seem that George Osborne has 'the Andrex touch'.

In 1979, unemployment benefit (predecessor to JSA) was about 22% of average weekly earnings; today JSA is about 15%.

John Major said he supported the NHS, which saved his life as a baby. Major was born in 1943, the NHS was set up in 1948.

"Redistribution of wealth changed this country from thirties misery to swinging sixties." (Professor Danny Dorling)

Should Alex Ferguson be allowed to bring on a substitute referee if the designated one dares to try and be impartial at Old Trafford?

Thatcher's bitter legacy - the 1980s saw the most dramatic widening of income differences in the UK on record.

"Apart from the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the USA." (Marion Barry)

Politics may be the second oldest profession. By selling off the state to their donors, the Tories make it bear a resemblance to the first.

“Despite the fact it will destroy all straight marriages and bring down human civilisation, 62% back equal marriage.” (Owen Jones)

Liar IDS talks of "three generations of worklessness". Bristol Uni study found only 0.3% of UK households have even two generations who've never worked.

I'm guilty of 'the politics of envy'. I don't envy people with big cars and several homes, but I envy societies which are fairer than ours.

John Prescott to Rupert Murdoch: "I've left you a Happy New Year message on my voicemail."

Between 1997 and 2008, UK recorded the highest average annual growth rate in GDP per head amongst the G7 economies.

In the 1980s the gulf between the richest and poorest 20% widened by a full 60% - that's Thatcher's legacy.

by skwalker1964 Tue Jan 22, 2013 12:32 pm

Just love this tweet I just saw this morning:

Which you can find here:

https://twitter.com/DB_hereatlast/status/288690594014978048

by skwalker1964 Fri Jan 25, 2013 9:13 am

This one made me snort my morning coffee!

https://twitter.com/theJeremyVine/status/286031962068643841/photo/1

by **Ivan** Sun Jan 27, 2013 2:47 pm

The Tories have provided us with the best government money can buy.

If women can marry Newt Gingrich, they should be able to serve in combat.

“David Cameron is putting Britain through years of uncertainty and taking a gamble with our economy, just because he’s running scared of UKIP.” (Ed Miliband)

Eric Pickles was once asked to leave a beach so they could let the tide in.

Speaking from his country mansion, Tory minister Lord Freud says many council tenants are living in houses that are too big for them.

Cameron's EU referendum speech in brief: “I'll trade British jobs for Tory peace and a card to play in the 2015 election.”

“I'm no longer a member of the Conservative Party.” (Michael Portillo)

If you believe something, no proof is necessary. If you don’t, no proof is enough.

Sarah Palin is worried. She thinks we should immediately send our army to the border between North Korea and South Dakota.

Oxfam says UK inequality is returning to levels not seen since the time of Charles Dickens.

“I want the NHS paperless as soon as possible” says Jeremy Hunt. I want the NHS Huntless as soon as possible.

Make sure you don't ever buy gift vouchers from the Lib Dems. They will be going out of business soon.

You can always spot a Tory at a birthday party - he’s the one who grabs the biggest slice of cake before the kid whose birthday it is.

Rosa Parks sat so Martin Luther could walk. Martin Luther walked so Barack Obama could run. Obama ran so the next generation can soar.

After eating one too many testicles in the jungle, Nadine Dorries is talking bollocks.

Private NHS providers are in line for corporation tax exemption. So the Tories are not selling the NHS, they’re giving it away.

If overweight people had a poor upbringing, Eric Pickles must have lived in a tent.

Maybe the next government could put the Tories on the list of banned terrorist organisations?

Just because you have the right to say something doesn’t mean it’s right to say it.

Overheard on a bus: "I'm beginning to think that perhaps Lance never did actually set foot on the moon."

Just read that Trevor Moore, CEO of HMV, used to be the CEO of Jessops. I'm guessing that before that he was safety officer on the Titanic.

If you are wealthy and/or in work and you think the unemployed bloke down the road is the cause of angst, I feel sorry for you.

John Nash gave £300k to the Tories - IDS gave him a £73m workfare contract, Gove made him a schools minister and then Cameron gave him a peerage.

If Danny Alexander had a brain cell it would die of loneliness.

“Of all the forms of inequality, injustice in health care is the most shocking and inhumane." (Martin Luther King)

Cameron says the coalition is “like a Ronseal deal”. Presumably he means it provides a thin veneer of varnish to cover up a pair of planks.

Dear "hard-working family", while you've been obsessing about your neighbours' curtains, Osborne has nicked your tax credits.

To compare the last Labour government to this bunch of vicious morons is an unthinking travesty.

Is the UK honours system discredited? Certainly not. It's the most accurate and renowned barometer of corruption in the world.

Can it be true that the new Archbishop of Canterbury has more business experience than any current cabinet minister?

We should be incandescent with rage that many MPs voting for NHS privatisation will profit; they had no mandate, they broke it up and shared it out.

“Osborne sanctimoniously bangs on about why he isn’t accepting child benefit, yet he billed us for a paddock!” (Sonia Poulton)

If the rumours are correct, someone won't be going on a summer holiday this year.

In the USA, there were more black people in prison in 2010 (3.5 million) than there were enslaved in 1850 (3.2 million).

Tory Chief Whip Sir George Young once described the homeless as "the sort of people you step over on the way out of the opera".

"The fix is to cut taxes on working people, create jobs and start investing in infrastructure right now." (Professor David Blanchflower)

I'm sure the Tory Party is split, not just over the EU, but between those who hate Osborne and those who loathe him.

How can a cabinet of millionaires be so jealous and outraged by the unemployed receiving less money to live on than they'd spend on bottle of wine?

Clegg and Cameron are to talk about the Con Dem successes to date. That’ll be over faster than Usain Bolt’s final.

“On average, the public believes 41% of the welfare budget goes on benefits to unemployed. The true figure is 3%.” (Ian Dunt)

Tories play the blame game - Gordon Brown, EU, snow, leaves on the line, royal wedding, shortage of lemons for Pancake Day.........

If owning a gun made people safe, the USA would be the safest country in the world. It most certainly isn't.

Q. How would you save a Tory from drowning? A. Take your foot off his head.

The UK suicide rate is the highest it's been since the last time the Tories were in power.

Who would have guessed that Cameron once went into the lobby with Ed Miliband to vote 'no' to an in or out referendum on the EU?

Tories don't want a thriving economy and full employment; their paymasters would have to pay a living wage at the expense of corporate profits.

"Envy": the standard response whenever the rich and privileged are challenged, or obscene inequality is highlighted.

Osborne isn't capable of running a bath, let alone an economy. What he knows about economics wouldn’t fill the back of a postage stamp.

I don't have strong feelings about public school boys, but what I do hate is people who have only known privilege pontificating about the poor.

"We can no longer pretend that the creation of wealth for a few will inevitably benefit the many – too often the reverse is true." (Oxfam)

Did you know that the first UK mobile phone call was made by Ernie Wise in 1985?

George Osborne is a man with an open mind. In fact, I can feel the draught from here.

Do you judge a person by their friends? Thatcher had tea parties with mass murderer Pinochet and spent every New Year with Savile at Chequers.

"Capitalism is the legitimate racket of the ruling class." (Al Capone)

I see that the Prime Minister of Pakistan has been arrested and charged with corruption. Could it be our turn next?

“Two years ago Boris Johnson mocked the London Assembly for suggesting he'd cut fire engines and firefighters.” (Adam Bienkov)

First firefighters to arrive at helicopter crash scene were from Clapham fire station. Boris Johnson wants to close it.

Q: What would be the ideal weight of Eric Pickles? A: About three pounds, including the urn.

If they can turn the screw on benefit claimants why not the same with tax evaders? Oh I forgot, the Tories are owned by tax evaders.

I look forward to the day when children ask their parents "what was a Lib Dem?"

"Sexual intercourse began in 1963, between the end of the Chatterley ban and the Beatles' first LP." (Philip Larkin)

Is Cameron’s promise of an in/out referendum on the EU tantamount to a drowning man clutching at a lifebelt?

Suicides, child poverty, rising homeless rates, foodbanks and unemployment; that will be Cameron’s legacy.

Tory treatment of the NHS is like Thatcher’s attack on nationalised industries: underfund it, rubbish it, privatise it.

I think Farage looks like a fraudster who calls himself 'Major' and preys on lonely widows in Eastbourne.

Osborne only worked in Selfridges for a week. I expect after that he stayed at home with his curtains drawn.

Does Cameron's latest promise of an EU referendum come with a "cast iron" guarantee, just like the one on which he reneged?

I thought I couldn't hate a Tory Chancellor more than I hated Norman Lamont.

It’s only called class war when poor people attack the excesses of the rich, not when the rich attack the poor.

“I did not take drugs” (Lance Armstrong), “I did not have sex with that woman” (Bill Clinton), “The NHS is safe in my hands” (David Cameron).

The secret of success is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake those, you could become a Tory MP.

Cameron thinks that the fuss which was made about his parliamentary expenses was simply a case of mass wisteria.

"The politics of envy" is a meaningless but spiteful soundbite employed by wealthy Tories who don't want to pay their share in society.

Rotten banks, rotten press, rotten government. It’s Tory time again.

Scientists have discovered a previously unknown level of incompetence. They have dubbed this latest discovery 'the Osborne Particle'.

No politician would dare get rid of our NHS in one go. That’s why Cameron is removing it gradually, banking on us being too daft to notice.

Pickles plans to help 'troubled' families in pretty much the same way that ATOS helps the disabled.

Thatcher took us into the ERM. You never hear the Tories banging on about that successful policy, do you?

“Ming Campbell claims the government kept interest rates low as their plan. Utterly barmy. They're only low because growth is weak.” (Sunny Hundal)

The bedroom tax is basically the Tories' way of fining the poor for existing.

Shirley Williams spent years talking about the problems of private provision in the NHS then voted for it. She's either an idiot or complicit.

Cameron's 'arse and elbow' regime: on Monday we're warned of an increasing Islamist terrorist threat, then on Tuesday 5,300 soldiers are sacked

Question for EU referendum: “Will you agree to lose all your employment rights to preserve Cameron’s job and the lifestyle of the City?”

"Take care of unemployment and the budget will take care of itself.” (John Maynard Keynes)

Cameron should realise that only one man in a thousand is a leader of men, and it's not him. (The other 999 follow women.)

Rumour has it that several people are trying to teach George Osborne how to count using his fingers on both hands.

The Tories want the constituency boundaries gerrymandered because 36% of the votes only gave them 47% of the MPs.

Oxfam says the world's 100 richest people earned enough in one year to end global poverty four times over.

The only growth the Tories could find last year was on Thatcher’s bladder. Even that resulted in cuts.

‘Standard’ editor (Wadley) and journalist (Gilligan), who canonised Boris and crucified Ken, have both been given paid sinecures by Johnson.

“UK left said in 2010 that deep cuts to spending would stall our economy and make it harder to reduce debt. They’ve been proved correct, but the right want more cuts.” (Sunny Hundal)

Between 2006 and 2010, 561 children under the age of 12 were killed by firearms in the USA.

Nigel Farage has been on ‘Question Time’ on twelve occasions since December 2009, more than all the trade union leaders combined.

George Osborne, who 'earns' £134,565 and has a £4 million trust fund, said he is "sharing the nation’s pain".

Under Thatcher, the UK had the highest level of child poverty in the developed world. Cameron is set on beating her record.

Cameron told us to "prepare for bad news". He intends to try and stay in power until 2020.

If I saw George Osborne drowning in my local swimming pool, I’d save him…….... as a picture to put on Facebook.

"I wouldn't have a reverse gear if Peter Mandelson was standing behind me." (William Hague)

by boatlady Sun Jan 27, 2013 7:09 pm

Thanks for all the hard work compiling these

by **Ivan** Sun Jan 27, 2013 8:05 pm

Thanks for noticing - it took three hours! Shocked

by boatlady Sun Jan 27, 2013 10:10 pm

I'm sure it did - your efforts may be unrewarded, but not unnoticed.
I had many a laugh out loud moment (and a few groan out loud ones) for which thanks indeed

by **Ivan** Tue Mar 05, 2013 1:30 am

“The Eastleigh by-election was a Swiftian battle between two coalition parties fighting tooth and nail for identical policies." (John O’ Farrell)

QPR Football Club has told Chris Huhne that it’s happy to take three points off anyone.

If a Tory doctor prescribes a course of medicine and it looks as if it’s killing the patient, you can be sure he will increase the dosage.

Is it just a coincidence that Mother's Day is nine months after Father's Day?

"I am a socialist. I don't think this world was made for a small minority to dance on the faces of everyone else." (H. G. Wells)

The economically illiterate Osborne was only made Chancellor because Cameron wanted his champagne-quaffing Bullingdon chum living next door.

60,000 people starve to death each day, but Cameron and Boris are outraged that bankers' bonuses may only double or triple their salaries.

Equal marriage is a non-starter with the Tory right, but child abuse is fine with some of their Monday Club perverts.

“If George Osborne had been a football manager, he'd have been sacked long ago.” (Dennis Skinner)

Scandals and cover-ups - these Lib Dems are getting so much like the Tories, just like pet dogs who start to resemble their owners.

I cannot be alone in hoping that the horse discovered in those Findus products turns out to be that so famously lost by Richard III.

I'm sure this government of toffs would have acted a lot more quickly if oysters rather than burgers had been contaminated.

Only in the USA can you be pro-death penalty, pro-war, pro-unmanned drone, pro-nukes, pro-guns, pro-torture and still call yourself ‘pro-life’.

I wonder if Danny Alexander has ever uttered more than three sentences without saying "it's all Labour's fault"?

Twitter is the only place where you can follow someone without being arrested.

Cable says the AAA rating was "largely symbolic". Not quite what Osborne said 3 years ago - "the benchmark on which I expect to be judged".

Researchers seeking evidence of IDS's claim that "several generations have lived on benefits" only found one family. Their name is Windsor.

My clothes are that old they were made in Britain.

"Deregulation of the labour markets and rampant and exploitative employers are the factors which drive down wages, not immigrants.” (Diane Abbott)

Michael Gove says Cameron is one of the politest people he knows! That tells you a lot about the company he must keep.

To win in Eastleigh, the Lib Dems must have touched the hearts of many voters. Just the hearts though, not any other bits.

I'm just surprised that when Cameron was in India, he didn't try to blame the Amritsar massacre of 1919 on Gordon Brown.

You'd think after Osborne's Selfridge's folding experience, the man would know how to throw in the towel.

Two UK industries that will never be in recession are smoke and mirror production.

“Thrilled for RBS bankers for their £607m bonuses after a £5.16bn loss. I know people having tax credits and benefits slashed feel the same.” (Owen Jones)

Thought I was watching a documentary on BBC2 about three sexually inadequate old men with vehicle fetishes, but it turned out to be ‘Top Gear’.

Gove's vision for education is an ancient grandfather clock that was last wound up in 1957.

Boris Johnson on urban foxes: “They look cuddly, but they're a dangerous menace.” Such irony.

Burn a £50 note in front of a tramp and you can join the Bullingdon Club. Says so much about toff values and their contempt for the poor.

“Not surprised the Chancellor has lost Britain's AAA credit rating. I wouldn't lend George Osborne a biro.” (John O’ Farrell)

The Pope is hardly the first person to lose interest in their real job so soon after joining Twitter.

“Tories claim to be ‘party of enterprise’, but those who benefit most from their policies are those who are rich already.” (George Monbiot)

Jimmy Savile should have been a Catholic priest, he had all the attributes.

"A man would rather have a hundred lies told of him than one truth which he does not wish should be told." (Dr Samuel Johnson)

I’m totally in favour of child-free planes. Kids should be made to go to Wales on holiday, didn't do me any harm.

So many Tories were so vocal about equal marriage not being in their manifesto but couldn't care less that the NHS destruction wasn't either!

"Only socialism can save us from the misery of the present or the nightmare of the future." (George Orwell)

Forensic scientists are investigating claims that Nick Clegg’s backbone has been found buried in a Sheffield car park.

After Ashcroft cuts financial backing to Tory candidates, Rachel Johnson (Boris’s sister) says “rats are leaving the sinking ship”.

Michael Crick to Maria Hutchings: "How do you feel about coming third in a two-horse race?" (She didn't reply.)

by skwalker1964 Tue Mar 05, 2013 12:24 pm

Thanks, Ivan. Gave me a welcome smile!

by tlttf Tue Mar 05, 2013 1:37 pm

Slightly one-sided Ivan but they made me smile. Smile

by oftenwrong Tue Mar 05, 2013 5:22 pm

Clearly time for some balancing Pro-Coalition quips then, tlttf.

The floor is yours ..................!

by **Ivan** Tue Mar 05, 2013 10:48 pm

Slightly one-sided Ivan but they made me smile.

tlttf. As I don’t follow any Tories on Twitter, that’s hardly surprising. Still, you might enjoy this tweet from one famous member of the nasty party:-

“Twitter is and has become dominated by the lower life on the left-wing of politics.” (Nadine Dorries)

Meanwhile……..

Cameron and Osborne are the Laurel and Hardy of economics - “that's another fine mess you've got us in.”

Pictures of a royal in a bikini? Outrageous! Pictures of a murdered woman in a bikini? Acceptable to a crap Murdoch paper.

The UK had the lowest net debt to GDP ratio in the G20 at the time of the 2010 election. You wouldn't know it from the media though.

14th century ‘Daily Mail’ headline: ‘Millions of immigrant rats poised to bring plague to our cities from Europe’.

Cameron is scared of a cricket ball but happy to sell weapons to India that will kill children.

The Vatican might be the smallest independent state in the world but it's the largest closet.

With no mandate, having hidden his health policy, Cameron abolishes NHS, which when he came in had the highest ever public satisfaction rating.

“When we hang the capitalists, they will sell us the rope.” (Stalin)

Not tweeted much as I've been busy being a 'wealth creator'. I sacked two workers and lowered the wages of five more. So now I'm wealthier.

What we need is a boardroom tax not a bedroom tax.

“Faith is believing in things when common sense tells you not to.” (George Seaton)

Being tried by a jury of twelve ‘Mail on Sunday’ columnists would be the most frightening thing in the world.

My favourite from the recent crop:-

“Labour’s economic failure was the excessive bureaucratic interventionism of the past decade, too much regulation.” (Cameron, March 2008)

by **Ivan** Mon Mar 11, 2013 10:56 pm

The ‘Liberal’ Democrats imposed a three-line whip on their MPs to vote in favour of secret courts.

I wonder how long it will be before the Tories repeal that dangerous socialist nonsense known as the Magna Carta?

"Feminism is the radical notion that women are people." (Rebecca West)

Secret courts? Why isn't David Davis fighting another by-election about civil liberties? Does he think he'd lose this time?

Next time you meet a Tory politician, ask: "If you became ill or disabled, would you want to live in constant fear of becoming destitute?"

I guess it's taking so long to name the new Pope because of the CRB checks.

The Tories are to honest and open government what Justin Bieber is to punctuality and maturity.

I'm inclined to block anyone who uses the 'c' word on my Twitter stream - even if they shorten it to 'Tory'.

Liam Fox attacks UK's 'welfare dependency', such as when people abuse the state for personal gain. Remind me again why he got the sack?

The working class commit crimes, the middle class 'make terrible mistakes', bankers get bonuses.

I hate the Conservative notion that success in life is marked by how rich you are. It's so shallow, there's more to life than money.

BREAKING NEWS: Food Standards Agency and Jockey Club to merge.

Why should any NHS staff have to put up with being accused of 'coasting' by a dishonest Murdoch lackey who has never worked in healthcare?

Tories who criticise Labour for being unspecific on policy should remember they didn't reveal their policies until AFTER the 2010 election!

Four words that, when combined, are guaranteed to cause nausea: Farage, Murdoch, secret dinner.

Osborne must have cast a lonely figure in the EU when he went all out to defend the bonuses of 5,000 ‘hard-working’ City bankers.

“Fell asleep in front of the telly and had a nightmare that the Cheeky Girls were being interviewed on complex political issues by Andrew Neil.” (John O’Farrell)

Trusting Iain Duncan Smith or any Tories to boost employment makes about as much sense as hiring a child-killer as a playground attendant.

by boatlady Tue Mar 12, 2013 8:27 am

Once again, your tireless efforts have given me a giggle to start my day - thank you Ivan.

by skwalker1964 Wed Mar 13, 2013 10:05 pm

by boatlady Thu Mar 14, 2013 9:48 am

by **Phil Hornby** Thu Mar 14, 2013 2:36 pm

Favourite 'tweets' - Page 2 54DD5EE81FC84FEDF4DFB632B438D9

" Listen up guys, hot news - I've just had a quick word with Head Office and He says that the Malvinas are definitely Argentina's..." Shocked

by oftenwrong Thu Mar 14, 2013 5:38 pm

Now we'll have to build a Cathedral in Port Stanley.

by skwalker1964 Fri Mar 15, 2013 10:50 pm

One of my own:

by **Ivan** Wed Mar 20, 2013 12:03 pm

How George Osborne was greeted on Twitter:-

http://liberalconspiracy.org/2013/03/20/how-george-osborne-was-greeted-on-twitter/

by **Ivan** Tue Mar 26, 2013 3:03 pm

Why doesn't Cameron just come out and say he doesn't want bloody immigrants coming over here taking the poverty that he's reserved for us?

60,000 people starve to death each day, but Cameron and Boris are outraged that bankers' bonuses may only double or triple their salaries.

Milton Friedman had a 50-year plan to privatise the world. Pinochet, Thatcher and Reagan were his disciples.

George Osborne probably thinks that people in poverty should just buck their ideas up and start a hedge fund.

I'd have felt safer with Harold Shipman running the NHS, rather than Cameron and Lansley and now Hunt.

The BBC is taking the word 'unwatchable' to new heights - a political programme with David Starkey, Michael Portilllo and Terry Wogan.

Pope Idol – voting is now closed, so do not pray, your prayer will not be counted and you may still be charged.

"’Appear to get better treatment’ are weasel words from immigration minister Mark Harper. Note the "appear". He knows migrants don't.” (Kevin Maguire)

It’s amazing how bankers have committed fraud, money laundering and deception, yet not one of them is in jail.

Is Osborne's intention to keep the economic crisis going as ‘shock doctrine’ justification for asset-stripping the UK?

“In real love, you want the other person's good. In romantic love, you want the other person.” (Margaret Anderson)

Jeremy Hunt is to impose a "statutory duty of candour" on NHS staff. How ironic, coming from such a specialist in obfuscation.

Not a good weekend for people called Boris - one dead in his bathroom and another slaughtered by Eddie Mair.

Has Grant Shapps ever said why he tried to hide behind the phoney name ‘Michael Green’? What name will he use when he signs on in 2015?

Why is the Evil Genius seen as the leading film villain when, given power like Osborne, a Clueless Idiot is much more likely to cause harm?

Gove says he wants more poor students at university, so he stopped the Education Maintenance Allowance and trebled tuition fees.

A county court judge says to Eric Joyce: "You've been brought here for drinking." Joyce replies: "Okay, let's get started."

Two questions for Cameron on the "problem of having 20p cans of lager available in supermarkets": where is this supermarket, and is it open?

There aren't enough four-letter words in the dictionary to describe adequately the awful creature that goes by the name of David Starkey.

Londoners took to the streets, fighting to save their hospitals. Meanwhile, their mayor went to Europe, fighting for bankers' bonuses.

Harold Wilson brought in the Open University. With a little more effort, Cameron could bring in the Closed University.

Andrew Neil finds horse hair on his toupee after visiting Tesco's in Cheltenham.

Sam: "What are you going to do about this dreadful Leveson business, David?" David: "I don't know, darling - Mr Murdoch hasn't told me yet."

This government doesn’t want an economic recovery; it’s too profitable for them having a cheap and compliant workforce.

We all have ‘aspirations’, Cameron – we aspire not to be made poor, not to be stigmatised if disabled and not to be forced to work for nothing.

George Osborne is such a snob that he doesn’t like to travel in the same car as his chauffeur.

We don't have a free press in the UK, we have a bought press. And that bought press has bought our excuse for a Prime Minister.

Remember the words of Pastor Niemoller and ask: who will Cameron come for next, once he’s seen off those poor, sick and disabled ‘shirkers’?

“If Cameron and Osborne quit and walk down Downing Street holding hands, that might well be enough to restore our AAA status.” (Professor David Blanchflower)

Bedroom tax will force people out of their homes. They will have to leave communities. Kids may have to change schools. This policy is evil.

Can someone tell Cameron that World War Two was fought to save us from a dictator who had socially cleansed his own disabled and sick people?

Resigned Pope to star in sitcom about elderly priests with too much free time on their hands - ‘Last of the Communion Wine’.

Iain Duncan Smith’s advice on feeding garden birds during cold weather: please do so only if each bird can prove it has been actively seeking worms.

“1945 was a high point in terms of political ideas and sense of collective spirit.” (Ken Loach)

Cameron didn’t mention that for every 1,000 council homes, only 18 have been given to tenants who've lived in the UK for fewer than 5 years.

If rules on people sharing rooms or having to move from their homes had come out of China, the Tories would be screaming about human rights.

“Busily starving children into submission, IDS wants ‘to look at the root causes of poverty’. He won't need to leave Westminster to answer that one.” (Sonia Poulton)

Text from Charles Windsor to his mother: "Pope Benedict XVI has stood down to give someone younger a chance at leading a church. Just saying."

Today's recipe from Eddie Mair – slow-roasted fillet of Boris served up on a bed of lies.

by **Ivan** Sun Apr 07, 2013 10:18 pm

"Osborne's austerity plan would choke off the recovery and make the deficit worse." (Vince Cable, April 2010)

Watching the BBC News is like travelling to a parallel universe where we do not have the most incompetent and malicious government in generations.

Manchester police are recording as hate crimes any attacks on members of sub-cultures. Does that include Tories, or are they just sub-human?

Tory philosophy – we’ll invent an enemy, then unite brainless ‘Daily Mail’ readers behind policies which are designed to make us richer.

Two horses dead in the past two days. Aintree is an abattoir, not a racecourse.

“Politicians are like diapers; they need to be changed often, and for the same reason.” (Mark Twain)

Osborne says Jobseeker’s Allowance is "too generous". JSA is 18% of average wage, compared to Germany's 35%, France's 47% and Sweden's 68%.

"We are not cutting benefits, we are simply managing them at a lower level." (Iain Duncan Smith)

I try to avoid clichés like the plague.

IDS says he could live on £53 a week. That's a bit rich from a bastard who squandered £39 of our money on one breakfast for himself.

So Osborne thinks being unemployed can turn you into a child killer. No George, destroying the NHS makes you into a child killer.

No point in the 'Today' programme inviting anyone else to speak if that loud-mouthed trout Edwina Currie is to be allowed to shout them down.

Can the UKIP headbangers decide whether their preferred lie is that immigrants come here to "steal our jobs" or that they "live entirely on benefits"?"

"Make the lie big, make it simple, keep saying it and eventually they will believe it." (Hitler in 1933; Cameron, Shapps and IDS almost daily)

Hard to comprehend a so-called 'elected' government deliberately pursuing policies it knows will cause untold misery for thousands of people.

Unemployment up, poverty up, bankruptcies up, evictions up, misery up, bigotry up, nastiness up. Who says Osborne can't create growth?

Iain Duncan Smith showed that he could live on the breadline by marrying into the aristocracy.

Austerity has never worked anywhere. "Definition of madness is to keep doing the same thing and expect to get a different result.” (Einstein)

How long will it be before we see the first refugee-style camp for those intentionally made homeless by this evil government?

It's your fault if you're poor. You should have chosen a wealthy dad who owned an off-shore, tax-free investment bank in Panama.

Benefits have been rising faster than wages, if you measure over a short enough timescale, so the Tory answer is to cut benefits rather than legislate for a living wage. (1/2)

Oh, but wait, the latest Tory idea to “make work pay” is to cut the minimum wage! You couldn’t make it up. (2/2)

There’s not enough money for welfare but plenty for a Trident replacement, MPs’ expenses and tax cuts for corporations and millionaires.

“Propaganda does not deceive people; it merely helps them to deceive themselves.” (Eric Hoffer)

by **Ivan** Wed Apr 10, 2013 4:12 pm

I simply cannot believe that Thatcher is dead, it surely can't be. Just last week ATOS passed her as fit to work.

Thatcher had £70bn of oil revenues and £60bn from privatisations, and what did we get for that? Mass unemployment and a divided nation.

“When I was a child, Thatcher was just a strict woman telling everyone off and selling everything off.” (Russell Brand)

Cameron returned from EU talks as soon as Thatcher died, but he stayed on holiday for three more days when London burned during riots.

The plans for Thatcher's grave look good, but they should probably have made the dance floor bigger.

"UK was one of the most equal Western European countries before the Thatcherite project began; it's now one of the most unequal." (Owen Jones)

For befriending a butcher like Pinochet and supporting apartheid South Africa, the British media will remember you as a "force for liberty".

The Thatcher family fortune is over £60m. There’s not enough money for health, housing and benefits, but the Tories can find £10m for her funeral.

“Thatcher's time in power was spent diminishing the resources of those who had least for the advancement of those who had most.” (Russell Brand)

Give everyone in Scotland a shovel and they’ll dig a hole so deep that they’ll be able to hand Thatcher to Satan personally.

by oftenwrong Wed Apr 10, 2013 5:58 pm

"I used to think that The Ritz Hotel was exclusive, but now it appears that even the children of grocers can die there.

by **Ivan** Sun Apr 14, 2013 4:01 pm

"In the Thatcher era, London became a city which Hogarth would have recognised." (Glenda Jackson)

Mocking Muhammad is described as 'free speech', but mocking Thatcher is considered blasphemy.

"The party that insists we show compassion for their departed heroine made a virtue of showing none when she was their leader." (Mark Steel)

How typical that right-wing hypocrites who were scathing about Hugo Chavez when he died last month expect reverence for Thatcher.

BREAKING NEWS: North Korea missile test delayed because of problems with Windows 95.

"Cameron and Osborne are getting you to pay £10 million for the biggest political propaganda exercise this country has ever seen." (John Prescott)

I thought we paid taxes to fund the welfare state, not to pay for the funeral of the woman who wanted to destroy it.

"This reminds us to live our lives in a decent enough way that we don't need armed guards for our coffins." (Sonia Poulton)

Thatcherites propose creating a library and museum in her memory. Yet Tories hate libraries and are busy shutting them.

“If you’re not careful, the newspapers will have you hating those who are being oppressed and loving those doing the oppressing.” (Malcolm X)

by **Ivan** Tue Apr 23, 2013 12:08 am

"If you want waste, vote Labour", says Cameron. Really? Who's just squandered £10 million on a funeral?

Amazing that a nation with 300 million guns and lax regulation considers Muslims, not firearms, a national security threat.

Etonomics is not working. Handing out a good thrashing to the plebs is not the way to run the economy.

BREAKING NEWS: Eric Pickles completes marathon breakfast, knocking ten minutes off his own record.

I bet Aldershot will be relieved when tonight's BBCQT panel leaves and the town’s average IQ goes up again.

“All of us who grew up under Thatcher were taught that it is good to be selfish.” (Russell Brand)

Cameron is right, North Korean missiles can reach the UK ... as long as they fire them from Ireland.

Amnesty International has condemned the erosion of human rights of disabled people in the UK.

So is the crap that Tory sociopaths feed us bullshit or horse shit? I suspect it's horse shit from Osborne’s taxpayer-funded paddock.

Most people don’t fall in love until after they’re married. And often not with their spouses.

I wonder why the Tory press has never credited Thatcher with the deregulation of the banks in 1986 and the mess we are now in?

UKIP: a one-dimensional, one-trick pony, flogging a dead horse.

New disaster movie is about to be released entitled ‘George Osborne At The UK Treasury’.

When someone quotes ‘The Daily Mail’ to support an argument, they've already lost.

Had George W. Bush still been President, he would probably have been bombing the Czech Republic by now.

DNA testing has identified that 70% of the members of this government are horses’ arses.

EDL supporters posting: "Keep St George in my heart, keep me English". That will be the half-Turkish, half-Palestinian guy, right?

Tory cuts so far: 20,000 army, 5,000 navy, 5,000 RAF, 60,000 NHS, 16,000 police, 730,000 public sector, 1,700 Remploy, 2 bankers.

The media always portrays unemployment as the fault of the jobseekers. Bad body language, bad CVs. Lack of jobs is considered unimportant.

Tories want nurses to start as healthcare assistants. Next Gove with be saying teachers should be dinner ladies before they can take a class.

by **Ivan** Fri Apr 26, 2013 3:52 pm

Is Osborne making plans to parade the 0.3% growth statistic through the streets of London on an open top bus?

If you're unhappy with how much your employer pays you, blaming benefits and disabled people won't make your employer pay more.

Tories have wallets where their souls should be.

Osborne has set the bar so low it's barely off the ground. Political genius.

I believe in compulsory vaccination against ‘The Daily Mail’.

“Guns don't kill people, Obamacare does.” (Michelle Bachmann)

They want us to respect a great PM, so truthfully we shall - one who united and worked for the good of all, Clement Attlee.

Gone are the days of throwing money changers out of temples; in the Church of England, one of them is now the high priest.

"Osborne avoids triple dip recession" sounds so much better than "UK economy is flat on its back", doesn't it?

Farage makes candidates sign a declaration that they've never been members of 'undesirable' political parties. I trust that includes UKIP.

“Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.” (Napoleon Bonaparte)

UK is the world's 7th richest country. What’s the point of that wealth if we “can’t afford” to look after the poor, the sick and the disabled?

I remember when society fell apart after the Bay City Rollers split up. Riots, anarchy, mass suicides, war. We never truly recovered.

"Jo Johnson Moves To Number 10.” Why don't we just relocate the British government to Eton?

David Cameron loved the NHS so much that he gave it all to his rich friends.

“Biggest privilege I have as a British freelancer in New York is knowing if I'm suddenly sick, the most I'll pay is the cost of a flight home.” (Laurie Penny)

Is Osbornomics working? Let's ask the 350,000 people queuing up outside the food banks.

Simon Hughes is like the kid who hangs out with the bullies in the schoolyard, whispering “stop that” whilst standing at the back.

“Dance on Thatcher's grave, but her funeral was a propaganda stunt fit for a dictator.” (John Pilger)

If Nigel Farage spends any more time on BBC ‘Question Time’, he'll qualify for annual leave and a pension.

By 2015, it will be like getting home to find thieves have stolen everything, including the light bulbs.

by **Ivan** Thu May 02, 2013 12:57 am

Despite her showing absolutely no signs of life, Osborne insists Thatcher is now over the worst and well on the way to making a full recovery.

If Iain Duncan Smith fell into a sewer, would the rats run away in disgust or welcome him home?

By 2015, the UK will be in a similar state to the restaurants visited by Cameron and his Bullingdon Club vandals in the 1980s - completely wrecked.

"If the unemployed were better managers, they'd be better off. Then it wouldn't be long before the dole was docked correspondingly." (George Orwell)

Most cockneys think that UKIP supporters talk a load of Brad Pitt.

Cameron rewards himself and millionaires with tax cuts and a subsidy for a second home, then he tells the poor that we’re broke.

Tea Party supporters want the FBI to nail people for YouTube thought crimes, but they don’t want background checks for anyone buying guns.

Even by Tory standards, Iain Duncan Smith must qualify as one of the most unpleasant men alive.

David Cameron has more Old Etonians around him than there are flies around a cow’s arse.

If UKIP dross and their BNP friends would move to the Falklands, there would be much more room here for hard-working Bulgarians and Romanians.

by boatlady Thu May 02, 2013 9:57 am

Once again, thanks Ivan for a scintillating little selection

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