Favourite 'tweets'

by **Ivan** Thu Jan 26, 2012 5:23 pm

First topic message reminder :

For those of us who use 'Twitter', I thought it might be worth having a thread to share some of the interesting tweets we come across. Here are three that I've read today:-

Nick Clegg says "families are at boiling point". Well you put the gas under them, Clegg!

When a man talks dirty to a woman its sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man its $3.95 a minute.

No income tax, no VAT
No points last week off Man City
The future’s grim, he's looking pale
Harry Redknapp’s off to jail.

by boatlady Thu Dec 10, 2015 7:30 pm

The good thing about Trump liking Katie Hopkins is that with any luck they’ll eventually take cyanide pills together in a bunker just before the Russians arrive.

Have you got the Russians' email address? - I'll get in touch

by **Ivan** Sat Dec 12, 2015 12:39 am

"All of Donald Trump's wives have come to the US as immigrants. Women are still coming here to do jobs Americans don't want." (George Lopez)

A decision on the third runway at Heathrow has been postponed until 10.01pm on 5th May 2016, once polls close in the London mayoral election.

Jonathan Dimbleby is the most heard voice on ‘Any Questions’. Who goes to a football match just to watch the referee?

I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.

As London Tories push for the taxi ‘knowledge’ test to be scrapped, existing cabbies tell them where to go.

“Outrageous that Corbyn goes to a Stop the War dinner, he should go to dinners held by arms dealers and offshore bankers like a proper MP.” (Mark Steel)

After hearing Rod Stewart on ‘BBC Music Awards’, my dog is demanding to go for a walk in the storm outside.

Samantha Cameron is to appear on ‘The Great British Bake Off’. Inspired by her husband’s time as PM, she plans to make an enormous fudge.

When ISIS bombs innocents, it's called terrorism. When a government bombs innocents, it's called 'the fight against terrorism'.

"The government is not trying to drag out its decision on the third runway for as long as possible", claims new committee chairman Sir John Chilcot.

Mike Tyson has joined Donald Trump's biggest group of supporters - people who have been hit in the head a lot.

"Bombs and missiles are bad ambassadors. They win no hearts and minds; they can build no democracies." (David Cameron, September 2006)

by **Ivan** Mon Dec 14, 2015 8:58 am

Cameron: "Addressing climate change is vital for the future of the planet, which is why we cut subsidies for clean energy."

Donald Trump has a nasty speech impediment....his foot.

Was that the last ever ‘X Factor’? Even Sir John Chilcot thinks the show has gone on for far too long.

“Don’t ever take a fence down until you know why it was put up.” (Robert Lee Frost)

Cameron "can't stand by" watching children suffer. That's right, he's too busy cutting tax credits and closing Sure Start centres.

Watched the draw for Euro 2016. It’s always exciting to find out who England will lose to in the last 16.

You see how one terrorist shooting can radicalise Americans like Trump, but you can't see how 10,000+ US bombs might radicalise Muslims?

"What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day." (Phyllis Diller)

EU officials say Cameron is like a man in the corner of a room begging "please don't let me shoot myself".

It’s strange how right-wingers believe that one entity could part the sea, but that billions can't cause it to rise.

by oftenwrong Mon Dec 14, 2015 11:00 am

EU officials say Cameron is like a man in the corner of a room begging "please don't let me shoot myself".

It's probably not entirely PC to criticise a self-harmer in the current climate of opinion, but that's quite apposite. Razz

by **Ivan** Fri Dec 18, 2015 11:30 pm

Tim Peake was the first Brit launched into space, but only because Katie Hopkins unfortunately came round during the drugging procedure.

Douglas Carswell thinks that UKIP should be led by "a fresh face". I wonder which MP he has in mind for the job?

“For José Mourinho, success was a sign of his greatness. Failure was someone else’s fault.” (David Baddiel)

Imagine standing behind Chilcot in a lunch queue, waiting for him to decide what to have.

Q: Why did a UKIP man keep his car in a town five miles from his house?
A: He'd read that most accidents occur within three miles of home.

The last British deep coal mine has closed with the 450 miners given a severance package of 3 months’ pay, or 3 minutes of Mourinho’s.

When I saw Mother Teresa trending on Twitter, I wondered if she’d been exhumed to take over either Chelsea or UKIP.

A tip for musicians - if you write an awful and irritating song, add the words ‘snow’ and ‘tinsel’ and it will be on all day every sodding Christmas.

If UKIP decides to expel Douglas Carswell, it will have a catastrophic effect on the strength of their pub quiz team.

What has Cameron achieved in those EU referendum talks? Bugger all. Next question?

Maybe Mourinho should be the next leader of UKIP? After each defeat he could say: "I blame the returning officer, he is a disgrace”.

Tim Peake enjoys being the first British man in space, despite suggestions that George Osborne may have beaten him to it.

Thanks to Carswell, Farage is calling for tighter controls on immigration to UKIP from the Tory Party.

Does Theresa May know there's a jobless Portuguese immigrant in the UK? ‘The Daily Mail’ will be demanding that she deports him.

Donald Trump’s real slogan is “Make America hate again”.

by **Ivan** Sun Dec 20, 2015 2:18 pm

“Instead of stripping council tenants of their lifetime right to live in a property, how about stripping lords of the lifetime right to sit in Parliament?” (Billy Bragg)

My new DAB radio is so clear I can actually hear the white coats flapping near the UKIP guy on ‘Radio 4 Today’.

Jamie Redknapp has the same relationship with technology that Les Dawson had with the piano.

Arthur Scargill was ridiculed in 1993 when he warned that the number of coal mines in the UK would be cut to twelve.

“I suppose to fans of ‘Star Wars’, my disinterest in the new film seems as odd as I find it if someone doesn't care about curling on Eurosport.” (Mark Steel)

How often do we hear "Cameron has ordered a review..."? He's so useless he can never make a decision, everything gets kicked into the long grass.

Manchester Utd - a once great club, lost, stumbling, with players uninspired by and hostile to the manager. Mourinho would fit right in there.

It’s time Farage and UKIP realised that simplistic solutions opined in saloon bars don't often solve complex problems.

“Twitter is the perfect platform for people who never tire of the sound of their own thoughts.” (Jeremy Hardy)

In today's ‘we're all in this together’, Cameron spends £9m a year on advisers while Osborne slashes the money available for ambulances.

The new ‘Star Wars’ film is disappointing. Maggie Smith is good, but the spaceship looks like a van.

The ‘Strictly Come Dancing’ final reminded me of this year's general election - the worst of the contenders somehow managed to win.

Just a reminder that if you want to make sure your Christmas greetings arrive on time, the last day for emails is December 25th.

by **Ivan** Wed Dec 23, 2015 7:29 pm

Growth down, deficit up, debt up, productivity stagnant, smoke and mirror manufacture at record level.

If a prayer comes true, God did it; if not, he had other plans. What an absurd, double-headed coin prayer is. It is simply a fixed bet.

Osborne has an image adviser paid for by the taxpayer. Who the hell is it, Mr Bean?

Mark Reckless is UKIP's policy director. Does that mean he buys Farage's cigarettes for him and recycles the backs of fag packets?

Humans are the only creatures in this world who cut down trees, make paper from it and then write ‘save the trees’ on it.

Can I just check if any of the proposed fracking sites will be near to Cameron's homes? No, I thought not.

How strange that the UK never attacks fundamentalists if they have oil and buy jet fighters from us!

"He's a brutal punchline to a joke that was never funny in the first place.......Trump is selling fascism with a cartoon face." (Laurie Penny)

One day in the future, Osborne 's stewardship of the economy will replace the story of the emperor's new clothes.

'Death threat' Tory MP Lucy Allan tells the media she has been sent letters to her home demanding money. Turns out it was the electricity bill.

by boatlady Thu Dec 24, 2015 9:44 am

Osborne has an image adviser paid for by the taxpayer. Who the hell is it, Mr Bean?

Ah, but just imagine if he had NO image advisor Very Happy

by **Ivan** Fri Dec 25, 2015 11:03 pm

Mrs Windsor says "we should be thankful for what we've got". After four more years of her cousin's government, many of us will have a lot less.

Cameron does God. If his Christianity follows the same path as his green politics, he'll be a Satanist by next month.

The last mosquito that bit me had to check into the Betty Ford clinic.

Of course Jeremy Hunt is worried that 92% of hospitals are dangerously short of staff, which is why he removed bursaries for student nurses.

One of my sons reckons I spend too much time on Twitter. I can't remember his name, but he seems like a nice lad.

Mrs Windsor says that "the light shines in the darkness", forgetting to add that the light is called Jeremy Corbyn.

Do they use a Bible at Tory HQ with "am I my brother's keeper?" and "not coveting thy neighbour's ox" removed?

“I'm enjoying how smoking is compulsory in Greece. You are allowed to not smoke, but only if you stand outside in a doorway looking ashamed.” (Mark Steel)

Mrs Windsor thinks "we should be thankful for what we've got". I trust she was looking in the mirror or talking to her parasitic family.

Great comedy characters work because they could be real. That’s why whoever plays this Sepp Blatter fellow fails, he’s just not believable.

Cameron and Christian values go as well together as Bomber Harris and town planning.

UKIP did ask its members to stay off Twitter, but as they can't seem to find it on their 1940s steam radios, there isn't much of a problem.

by **Ivan** Thu Dec 31, 2015 12:24 am

The Tories have spent months twisting speeches that Corbyn made 30 years ago, but cry foul after an old Oliver Letwin quote is revealed.

Theresa May says she “always tries to do the right thing”. Does that include telling a Tory conference that a man was granted asylum because of his cat?

We're being asked not to go to A&E unless it's "absolutely necessary". Can't say it was ever a place to go for a good night out with friends.

Wonder what the UK would be like now if 30 years ago every black entrepreneur had spent all their money on discos?

Kray fan Barbara Windsor has been made a dame. Can only assume that someone at Buck House thinks she’s a distant relative.

Oliver Letwin is yet more proof, if it were needed, that Eton should be in special measures.

Donald Trump looks like a guinea pig staring at you from a washing machine portal.

If Hitler is found alive he could say: “I deeply apologise if anyone was offended by my remarks. Times were different in 1943, let's move on”.

New Year’s Honours are such an anachronism! Rewards for donors and cronies, and medals referring to an empire which ceased to exist decades ago.

Can you imagine the Tory uproar if Oliver Letwin and Old Etonians had been referred to as "posh, amoral, coked-up twats" in a Labour government document?

by **Ivan** Mon Jan 04, 2016 11:31 pm

David Cameron commits to spending money on flood defences, but only for the duration of ‘Dry January’.

Simon Danczuk is described by right-wing papers as 'moderate'. His pervy behaviour would seem 'extreme' to most people.

“May I say how proud I am to have been awarded no honours, a decision I humbly accept not for me, but on behalf of my supporters.” (Mark Steel)

The BBC soon forgets the racist filth that emanated from Cameron's Old Etonian chum Letwin, but woe betide Corbyn if his tie isn't straight!

UK police forces are suddenly at breaking point as they attempt to interview all the suspects in the 'Farage wheel-tampering' case.

Fare rises will allow investment of £38 billion in railways, or about half the cost of a day return from London to Brighton.

"I want this message to go out loud and clear: the Conservative Party will act on poverty." (Cameron, 24 Nov 2006)

I shall now do what any sensible person does in this weather - sit outside to watch a game of football that's being shown on the telly anyway.

Some people need a Sat Nav to find a route from their arse to their elbow. Unfortunalely, some of these people are in government.

One good thing about a leap year is that Christmas doesn’t come around again quite so quickly.

Nigel Farage has his own radio show. We can now expect discussions about chamois leather driving gloves and hit parade stars like Susan Maughan and Frank Ifield.

Osborne's chickens would be coming home to roost if he hadn't sold the hen house.

by boatlady Tue Jan 05, 2016 7:55 am

"I want this message to go out loud and clear: the Conservative Party will act on poverty." (Cameron, 24 Nov 2006)

Well, they did - they increased it lol!

by **Ivan** Thu Jan 07, 2016 11:45 pm

Cameron at PMQs - not one question answered, just a steamroller of arrogance.

Let's get this clear - a banking crash that starts in America is Labour's fault, but an economic slowdown which starts in China is China's fault.

Rumour has it that Hilary Benn will be moved to West Ham, and Corbyn will replace him with Christian Benteke from Liverpool for £35 million.

Osborne is like a medieval quack suggesting more blood letting as the only remedy.

Anyone reading Hansard in the future will assume that the PM at PMQs on 6/1/2016 was a silly 16-year-old schoolboy.

According to Osborne, first we had economic headwinds, now we face a "cocktail of threats". It was so much simpler when Labour caused recessions.

by **Ivan** Sun Jan 10, 2016 3:56 pm

If any of us now want to resign from a job, or from coaching the local football team, do we have to go on TV? Just wondering.

Stomach bug microbes have been found in the gut of a 5,000-year-old man, after he was finally seen in A&E.

The House of Lords now has 821 members. Cameron, who promised "to cut the cost of government", has appointed 236 of them.

New cucumber guidelines say one slice a day, twice a year, is fine. But any more than that increases your chance of drowning by 84%.

Welcome to a Conservative Party broadcast brought to you by Andrew Marr. For tougher questions, watch Sooty on CBBC.

The Flying Scotsman is back on track after 10 years, coming as relief to passengers in Peterborough who've been waiting a decade for it to arrive.

Cameron wants to end the curse of sink estates by demolishing them and building nice new homes that he can sell to the rich and to foreigners.

Many homes in the Scottish highlands have been evacuated. “Here we go again”, moaned the Hussein family from Aleppo.

“I'm told by a reliable source that Labour's spokesperson for trombones will resign, live on air, during an episode of ‘Antiques Roadshow’.” (Mark Steel)

Is anyone surprised that a Tory Party funded by financial services companies is going soft on financial services companies? It’s totally corrupt.

Cameron says parents should be taught how to control children. Yes, leave them in a pub until they behave themselves.

Apparently Donald Trump has a hairdresser. I’d assumed his hair was glued on orangutan pubes, backcombed into the shape of a skunk's backside.

The main thing that the EU needs to reform - farming subsidies - is never mentioned by the Tories. I wonder why?

Is ‘Clean For The Queen’ anything to do with money laundering?

“If you do nothing else this year, go and see Kim Noble's show ‘You're Not Alone’. You could do other things as well, but there's no need to.” (Jeremy Hardy)

Cameron is worried that his children may not get on the property ladder. I'm not surprised; have you seen the price of castles?

Joanna Gosling denies that she has taken news of revised alcohol limits badly:-

Favourite 'tweets' - Page 11 Joanna10

https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CYMvXYKWEAAal13.png

by oftenwrong Sun Jan 10, 2016 10:49 pm

I've resolved to abstain from the demon drink on every day whose name does not have a "y" in it.

by **Ivan** Fri Jan 15, 2016 8:54 am

Junior doctors were condemned for going on strike just as the country was gripped by a vomiting epidemic caused by the Murdoch and Hall engagement.

Rudimentary two-room Bronze Age houses unearthed in Cambridgeshire are still not affordable under ‘Help to Buy’.

"How was work today, dear?"
"Good. I managed to make sure people would live in places that weren't fit for humans."

David Bowie had a private 'direct cremation' service in New York, described by one mourner as “funk to funky".

Water companies’ £1.2bn profits, despite poor performance, are ‘taking the piss’ – which is something else they’re not doing properly.

Wouldn’t you say that when Osborne’s best man pocketed £35m from the sale of Royal Mail it was a bigger robbery than the Hatton Garden heist?

Doctors are not allowed to accept sandwiches from drug company reps, but MPs with interests in private health companies can vote for more privatisation.

BBC news finally got a reporter through to the starving people of Madaya in Syria to ask them what they thought of David Bowie.

I've just read that Kelvin Mackenzie and Donald Trump are also 69. Come on God, with the week you've given us it would be only fair………… Shocked

Protesters holding ‘Bad for patients, bad for doctors, and bad for the NHS’ placards are to be sued by Jeremy Hunt for stealing his copyrighted CV.

by oftenwrong Fri Jan 15, 2016 10:31 am

"People who question Government or the Media may be extremists"

http://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/politics/young-people-who-question-government-policy-or-the-media-may-be-extremists-officials-tell-parents-a6756086.html

Do they mean me?

by **Phil Hornby** Fri Jan 15, 2016 12:28 pm

" Do they mean me?"

Since you ask, I am surprised you are still walking the streets.

It's about time you showed some respect to Mr Cameron and his colleagues - not to mention the Daily Mail and The Sun - in the manner I have adopted for some time...

by **Ivan** Sat Jan 16, 2016 1:13 pm

Boris Johnson 'forgot' to pay his bar bill on a trip to Kurdistan. If we did that it would be called theft and we'd be arrested.

The Tories plan to tackle child obesity by making sure that over 40% of children don’t get a primary school within easy walking distance.

Conservative Christianity has become less about learning to love your fellow man and more about learning who to hate.

As he prepared for his space walk, Tim Peake was told not to put on the spacesuit inside, as he wouldn’t feel the benefit when he got outside.

EU latest: Chris Grayling’s imminent departure from the cabinet is to be referred to as ‘Grexit’.

If only we could cut ministers’ salaries without any discussion or debate, as they’ve done with maintenance grants for poorer students.

Jeremy 'Hunt' wishes to define 'unsociable' hours for doctors as post-10pm. MPs can claim for dinner if the Commons is 'sitting late' after 7.30pm.

Twitter stopped working for half an hour or so on Friday. I spent the time chatting to my family, they seem nice....

Spare a thought for Iain Duncan Smith’s priest; confessions must last for hours.

“The modern conservative is engaged in one of man’s oldest exercises in moral philosophy, the search for a superior moral justification for selfishness.” (J.K.Galbraith)

by **Ivan** Tue Jan 19, 2016 2:39 pm

Will Laura Kuenssberg try to persuade Jeremy Corbyn to resign live on air, in view of the scandal of him refusing to name his cat?

Cameron: "I don't want to blind you with statistics." Lying through one's teeth is so much easier.

As Russian and Italians are accused of fixing tennis matches, critics bemoan the lack of young English match-fixers coming up through the ranks.

"Nobody ever goes in, and nobody ever comes out." Was that said about Willy Wonka's chocolate factory, or the Liberal Democrats' head office?

Cameron announces a plan to end segregation and increase national cohesion by converting Eton to a comprehensive school.

“I am convinced there is only one way to eliminate these grave evils, namely through the establishment of a socialist economy.” (Albert Einstein)

I wish ‘Radio 4 Today’ would spend as much time reporting the corruption of the UK political process as it does over tennis and athletics.

NHS chiefs are confident the new hospital ‘sugar tax’ will work, as it will be policed by junior doctors during their free time.

"I don't do personal, I don't do reaction, I don't do abuse. Life is too short and it devalues the political process.” (Jeremy Corbyn)

Cameron is to chair a conference on corruption. Presumably the discussions will focus on ways to ensure that there is even more of it.

by boatlady Tue Jan 19, 2016 5:47 pm

"I don't do personal, I don't do reaction, I don't do abuse. Life is too short and it devalues the political process.” (Jeremy Corbyn)

This may be why so many voted for him - his replacement - when they arrive - would do well to realise that these are attractive qualities in a politician

by oftenwrong Tue Jan 19, 2016 7:46 pm

That seems to be precisely what annoys other politicians. Mr Corbyn is not following custom.

by **Ivan** Thu Jan 21, 2016 10:39 am

Sarah Palin endorses Donald Trump; USA files for intellectual bankruptcy.

The pollsters' report into election opinion polls confirms they got it wrong in 56% of the polls and right in the other 63%.

So Sarah Palin, what was it that first attracted you to loudmouthed, populist, egomaniac Donald Trump?

Nicky Morgan's stare has just burnt two holes in my living room wallpaper.

Donald Trump and Sarah Palin have now shared a platform as well as a brain cell.

‘Friends Reunited’ is to close. That’s one website of which Iain Duncan Smith has never had need.

Don't ban Donald Trump from the UK. Let him come and then let his hair be locked in quarantine for six months; I assume he's attached to it.

62 people now have as much wealth as half of the world's population, and yet you still hear right-wingers talking about 'trickle down'.

Worryingly, Sarah Palin is a graduate of an American university. Her latest speech would have Stanley Unwin scratching his head.

Yellow stars are just so 1930s. Nowadays G4S prefers red doors.

by **Ivan** Sat Jan 23, 2016 11:39 am

"USA is threatened with white-out" in an exact reversal of Donald Trump's rallying cry.

Theresa May promises action over the findings of Litvinenko inquiry, including sighing, tutting and slight shaking of the head.

Congratulations to Charlotte Rampling on her nomination for ‘45 Years Since That Attitude Was OK’.

The schoolboy investigated for his "terrorist house" spelling mistake should also be questioned over repeated use of "IS", after leaving his caps lock on.

Maybe the BBC could make amends for its ‘deferential attitude’ to Savile by not being so deferential to the Tories?

As if Trump isn’t comedy gold enough, along comes Palin in support. They’re like Laurel and Hardy but with less class, fewer brain cells and more guns.

If unemployment is truly at its lowest level for ten years, why is there no upward pressure on wage inflation? Seems fishier than a crab’s codpiece.

They told me to use the brain God gave me. I did, and now I’m an atheist.

The Scottish plan to put folic acid into flour has been described as “interesting” by health experts and “lame” by Vladimir Putin.

The trouble with Tories is that they eventually run out of public assets to sell on the cheap to their pals.

by **Ivan** Mon Jan 25, 2016 11:48 pm

January has taken some good people. Cecil Parkinson wasn't one of them.

Two pigs' heads were dumped outside an Islamic school in Blackburn. Fortunately they were moved before Cameron could appropriate them.

Iain Duncan Smith was too late for a vote in Parliament. He should have his income stopped for six weeks, see how much he likes that.

Cecil Parkinson always looked as if having to talk to someone who wasn't as rich as him was causing him severe digestive distress.

Adidas has ended its sponsorship deal with the IAAF, as rumours spread that its name is an acronym of ‘After Dinner I Doped A Sprinter’.

Donald Trump explains that if he shot someone in the head or heart he wouldn’t lose any votes, as those parts of the Republican body aren’t used.

I can't understand anyone saying Cecil Parkinson was handsome or charming. In reality he was oily and smarmy with teeth like piano keys.

Imagine if the UK was like Russia and run by a small band of thieves who sell off publicly owned institutions to their rich mates?

by **Ivan** Wed Jan 27, 2016 7:28 pm

Good to see Cameron honouring Holocaust Memorial Day by describing a group of desperate, persecuted people as "a bunch of migrants".

Google pays 3% tax in UK, 15% in Italy. Google pays £130 million in UK, £380 million in France. And that's supposed to be a good deal?

PMQs: Imagine getting a really bad performance evaluation at work and your retort being "I know its bad, but I'm better than the last guy".

Neil Kinnock warns that Jeremy Corbyn will be “unelectable” unless he stands at a podium and yells "We're all right" three times.

It's comments like "bunch of migrants" that show Cameron in his true light - a privileged, playground bully. He's no leader.

In any other job, if your actions cause the death of someone then you have to answer in court. Why not for Iain Duncan Smith?

Cameron may moralise about tax havens, but his father chaired one offshore investment company based in Jersey and co-founded another in Panama.

“Britain has a PM who is talking a good game on anti-corruption", says Transparency International. 236 ennobled donors and cronies speak louder.

The “bunch of migrants” to which Cameron referred at PMQs consisted mainly of unaccompanied children. Rather like his own daughter on a visit to a pub.

by **Ivan** Thu Jan 28, 2016 6:24 pm

We mustn’t take refugee children from Europe as it’ll incite others to disguise themselves as 7-year-olds with no food, family or shelter.

Andy Murray gets furious about something after every point. Last time I think he was angry about the font in the advert behind him.

Hindsight is brilliant. Did we ever think Tesco got big by being decent? Did we think having non-medical professionals on 111 was safe?

Henry Ford recognised that if you don’t pay ordinary workers decent wages, the economy will lack the demand to sustain economic growth.

Donald Trump: “I could stand in the middle of 5th avenue and shoot someone and I wouldn’t lose voters”. Speaks volumes about his supporters.

Cecil Parkinson was a politician who made just a single mistake. Twice a week for twelve years.

“A British (sort of) woman in a semi-final. I believe this is mentioned in Revelations as a sign the Day of Judgement is upon us.” (Mark Steel)

Our Tory government refuses to say how many refugee children it's prepared to take, but sources indicate it may be as many as three.

Murdoch used his Twitter feed to complain that Cameron has been easily swayed by a billionaire tycoon from Google exerting undue influence.

The cost of ‘The Daily Mail’ is to rise from 60p to 65p, a consequence of the price of bile on the world market being at a record high.

by **Ivan** Sat Jan 30, 2016 3:43 pm

“We need to be a self-governing democracy” says John Redwood, whose party is completely in the pocket of multinational corporations.

Following their defeat over the Cecil Rhodes statue, some Oxford students consider demanding the closure of Jesus College, since it offends atheists.

Breaking news: Hilary Benn rules out applying for a job for which there is no vacancy.

Received 10p interest on a savings account last month, but 2p was deducted as tax. I was expecting HMRC to ring me first and offer a deal.

‘Any Answers’ is as hilariously batshit as usual: “Bloody Brussels, forcing us to have heatproof oven gloves”.

The police have stopped a number of fascists on their way to Dover. They were looking for drugs and brain cells but apparently found neither.

Maybe those who think our MEPs are just "sponging off the EU gravy train" should stop voting for UKIP?

Should sanctions be imposed on Qatar, UAE, Saudi Arabia, Kuwait, Oman and Bahrain if they continue to refuse to help with Syrian refugees?

All this Brexit tripe about "taking back control" implies that Britain isn't part of the EU and has had no say in it for the last 43 years.

Strange that those abusing Hilary Benn feel he should hold the same beliefs as his father. Do these people not have minds of their own?

I think the OECD must have judged the state of British education to be poor after listening to callers to ‘Any Answers’.

Please remind tabloid readers that EU regulation 2257/94, concerning the straightness of cucumbers and bananas, was abolished in 2008.

by **Ivan** Tue Feb 02, 2016 12:48 pm

Trump is the number one choice for Americans who, in their imaginations, are sick and tired of being pushed around.

“I see Andy Coulson has got a new job in PR. I left him a good luck message on my mobile.” (John Prescott)

If Cameron was serious about EU reform, the Common Agricultural Policy would have been on his list. But of course that subsidises Tory farmers.

Someone's made a ten-hour film about watching paint dry, to make a point about censorship. It must be as interesting as a game at Old Trafford.

Great news that Trump lost out to evangelical, immigrant-bashing, gun-obsessed, healthcare-hating, climate-denying fanatic Cruz.

“Remember, if I don't comment on a celebrity death, it's because I don't care.” (Frankie Boyle)

Cameron's 'red card' in the draft EU bill is equivalent to a referee only being able to send off a player if 55% of his team mates agree.

Swapping Donald Trump for Ted Cruz is like divorcing Ted Bundy so you can finally be with Josef Fritzl.

by oftenwrong Tue Feb 02, 2016 11:00 pm

Trump bumped.

by **Ivan** Wed Feb 03, 2016 8:23 pm

Are you impressed when Tory MPs put a union flag in their Twitter profiles, while their vile government is selling the state to foreigners?

Google parent company Alphabet is now worth $568bn, or just over £5m according to HMRC estimates.

Iain Duncan Smith is so vicious that he would have made some of the Nazis wince.

Relief in Iowa caucus as dangerous right-wing lunatic loses out to dangerous right-wing lunatic.

What annoys me most when Cameron smears NHS Wales is that he does so in the knowledge that he cut funding for Wales by 11%.

Report claims Kids Company trustees were guilty of such financial negligence that, had it been in the banking sector, would have earned them huge bonuses.

French authorities express concern over threats from a huge oily slick, ahead of Cameron’s EU meeting.

Tory claims to be patriotic are like being lectured on vegetarianism by someone who is wearing a leather jacket.

Radio 4 ‘Today’ made it clear that universal credit is not being cut for working families, it is merely being made less generous.

In 1963, war minister Profumo had to resign because he had lied to Parliament. If only the same standards applied today, Cameron!

by **Ivan** Fri Feb 05, 2016 2:26 pm

‘Question Time’ discussed whether people in the UK should be able to speak English, but I couldn’t understand a word of what Paul Nuttall said.

'Compassionate Conservatism' - taking £30 a week from cancer patients and laughing when their plight is brought up at PMQs.

Now that Jimmy Hill has died, can most footballers go back to being paid what they're really worth, the minimum wage?

Tories like to forget that PFIs were started by Major in 1993, and that Osborne signed off 61 new ones in his first year as chancellor.

Isn’t there something remarkable about 28 countries overcoming centuries of conflict to realise that if they stop fighting they’ll all be better off?

I need to go to bed, but watching Paul Nuttall is so toe-curling that I can't get my slippers off.

Being called "particularly nasty and unpleasant" by a Tory MP on Twitter must be on a par with being labelled an alcoholic by the late George Best.

Did 'Labour Leave' vote to leave 'Vote Leave', or did it leave 'Vote Leave' without voting to leave?

In the soap opera of politics, Cameron is in ‘Eldorado’.

Boredom is sweeping through the UK's dog population. I never realised that Michael Fallon's appearances on TV affect them as well as humans.

Rumour has it that Lord Lucan's family was forced to get a death certificate because he was about to be declared fit for work.

I have to admit that Paul Nuttall isn't one of my favourite Adrian Edmondson characters:-

Favourite 'tweets' - Page 11 Edmond10

https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CacSN_KW8AAtwpD.jpg

by **Ivan** Sat Feb 06, 2016 2:34 pm

Shirley Williams' impersonation of Donald Trump was as poor as her pretence of being a left-of-centre politician for the last fifty years.

This EU referendum, putting our main alliance at risk just because Cameron can't sort out his own party, is an abuse of public time and money.

A survey has shown that the average Briton will be debt free by the age of 69, though that figure could reduce with ‘flu epidemics.

Mugabe has declared a state of disaster in Zimbabwe. The incompetent megalomaniac might as well have done that as soon as he came to power in 1980.

A Shell spokeswoman asked when she says she should sell Shell shares said: “It’s difficult to say”.

Facing accusations of a corrupt deal, Age UK officials admit that they met with energy supplier E.On, but for the life of them can’t remember what for.

Donald Trump has accused Ted Cruz of “stealing” the Iowa vote, adding that the correct thing to do is to buy it.

If Nigel Lawson gets his much beloved and barmy Brexit, I hope the French will kick the hypocritical fool out of his luxury villa.

Sainsbury’s is unsure if its £1.3bn offer for Argos has been successful, because its number has still not appeared on the screen.

I suspect Ecuador would prefer it if Julian Assange stays in its London embassy, so that it can avoid paying the bedroom tax.

I’m proud of Cameron for leading the way on refugees. He's really showing up that guy who dismissed them as “a bunch of migrants".

Nigel Farage missed ‘Question Time’ due to traffic on the A1. He couldn't find the M1 because the UK is a country he no longer recognises.

by **Ivan** Mon Feb 08, 2016 9:31 am

If David Starkey can travel all the way from 1845 to appear on ‘Question Time’, why does Nigel Farage have so much difficulty coming from 1957?

"The compassionate Conservative Party believes in the importance of social housing and the security it provides." (Cameron, April 2010)

Strange way to protest against ticket prices: go to football match, buy ticket, walk out. Wouldn't not going and not paying be more effective?

“Many of the premises of civilised life in Britain are being dismantled in order to pay back a fraudulent debt – the debt of crooks.” (John Pilger)

Why did Farage miss ‘Question Time’ again? Was he in a pub, or at home watching 'Genevieve' and 'The Grove Family' on his new black-and-white TV?

Judging by the last 10 minutes of the game with Sunderland, did the Liverpool players leave at the same time as the ticket price protesters?

“I may not be able to go home, but at least I can go to sleep at night knowing I did the right thing.” (Edward Snowden)

Don’t forget what the Tories did: they took banker debt and made it our debt, while letting bankers off. Then they told us we’re living beyond our means.

Liverpool could avoid being damaged by walkouts on 77 minutes for charging £77 by charging £98, or £130 if the game could go to extra time.

“If people don’t do politics, others do it for you. And they can steal your rights, your democracy and your wallet.” (Pablo Iglesias)

On the last day of the season, Bobby Ewing will come out of the shower and it’ll all have been a dream. It’s the only explanation for Leicester City’s success.

by **Ivan** Wed Feb 10, 2016 8:20 pm

Where's Jeremy Hunt when questions need to be answered? Halley's Comet makes more appearances.

If Kim Sears and Andy Murray’s midwife didn’t crouch down attentively and then shout “out!” when the baby was born, she missed a trick.

Tories like to forget that PFIs were started by Major in 1993, and that Osborne signed off 61 new ones in his first year as chancellor.

Cameron said he loved Terry Wogan on ‘Blankety Blank’. He must have watched it during the odd moments he wasn't listening to David Bowie.

Jeremy Hunt looks particularly gormless today. I wonder if the NHS can provide a donor of some gorm?

“BBC ‘Question Time’ is like a satirical play about why we shouldn't have democracy. Or television.” (Frankie Boyle)

What Jeremy Corbyn should have said at PMQs: “I have a question from a Mrs Mary Cameron in Oxfordshire…”

Jeremy Hunt will impose his contract on doctors, prompting many resignations and hastening the end of the NHS, which he advocated in a book.

With his sense of entitlement and 'born to rule' mentality, Cameron doesn't believe that people should question him - how dare they?

There’s no reason to limit doctors’ hours. So what if they get tired? It’s not as if they make life and death decisions.

by **Ivan** Fri Feb 12, 2016 2:44 pm

Jeremy Hunt's claim that 43% of doctors worked during the strike is questioned after it's revealed his figures included the cast of 'Holby City'.

“If I get into trouble for this, then I will never forgive you for this and I will make sure you pay.” (Dr Adam Osborne, to his patient)

GOV.UK states that a contract is an agreement between employee and employer. So how can an agreement ever be imposed, Mr Hunt?

Just like the ravens at the Tower of London or the apes in Gibraltar, if Nigel Farage ever leaves ‘Question Time’ who knows what will happen?

Tories used the miners’ strike to break the unions, they’re now trying to use the junior doctors' dispute to destroy the NHS.

Waiter: "Could you pay a bit more for a longer sandwich?"
Hunt: "No. I want you to make a longer sandwich but with that amount of bread."

After a seventh whale was spotted in trouble off the Norfolk coast, the government claims that helping it will only encourage more to come.

Adam Osborne "showed a blatant disregard for the fundamental tenets of the medical profession". Has a lot in common with Jeremy Hunt then.

As a Starbucks' branch supervisor wins her dyslexia case, there are suggestions she may also have completed their tax return.

"Jeremy Hunt's wrong to think this is the end - pouring petrol on a fire never puts it out." (Kevin Maguire)

It looks as if being an opportunist predator runs in the Osborne family.

Eventually Jeremy Hunt will be sacked (as long as Murdoch agrees), and then compensated with a lucrative job in a private healthcare company.

As Cameron is accused of buying off Tory MPs threatening to rebel over council cuts, there are rumours that his mum has just had a new kitchen fitted.

by **Ivan** Wed Feb 17, 2016 11:22 pm

Empathy, wit, charm and trustworthiness are needed to negotiate. What a pity that Cameron possesses none of those qualities.

No need to imagine the worst government ever. It's been trashing the UK since 2010, just as its leaders used to trash Oxford restaurants.

Would Jeremy Hunt try to jump out of a plane if a medical emergency arose and the flight attendants found a doctor on board?

Do actors spend all of January and February traipsing round the world collecting awards? Can't believe anyone wants to watch such tripe.

Duncan Smith: "What can I do today to make life harder for benefit claimants? I'll charge them 45p a minute to ring the DWP."

Unemployment falls again in the world of Toryspeak - if you count work as putting the cat out, making a cup of tea, or posting on Twitter.

"Every religion has perverts and psychopaths. ISIS is as much Islamic as the KKK is Christian." (Adel al-Jubeir)

Why does nobody ever mention how Jeremy Hunt co-authored a book entitled 'Direct Democracy', calling for the break-up of the NHS?

HSBC decides not to relocate to China, where corrupt bankers can be executed. In the UK they are ennobled. Tough decision.

“I wouldn't mind that Farage is on ‘Question Time’, as long as they made him give all his answers in Welsh.” (Mark Steel)

I think Dr Hannah Mitchell is being unfair. Jeremy Hunt is perfectly capable of being both dishonest and stupid.

Anyone basing their vote in the EU referendum on the opinion of Boris Johnson shouldn't be allowed out on their own, let alone a vote.

You know you’re getting old when you watch a game at the Emirates and wonder how Arsenal can have such a healthy-looking lawn in February.

So Osborne jetted to the Super Bowl, sponsored by Google. What next, will Cameron be sponsored by Danepak?

Jacob Rees-Mogg is one of the few Tory MPs who accepts invitations to appear on Channel 4. It helps that a garage nearby services his 1925 Riley.

Shane Warne claims mankind evolved from aliens, presumably with strange plastic faces and unnaturally white teeth.

by **Ivan** Thu Feb 18, 2016 3:47 pm

Is the BBC trying to say that the EU referendum result depends on the views of one fat, lazy, scruffy, adulterous, opportunistic Tory turd?

"You're tough on doctors, but when it comes to Google you're as soft as mashed potato." (Jon Snow to Jeremy Hunt)

Is Cameron OK? He only did a 90 degree turn, not the full 180 degree pirouette, outside the EU negotiations.

A "huge amount" does not depend on Cameron's pathetic posturing over the EU. I'll vote to stay in to give myself some protection from the Tories.

Jeb makes George W. look like the clever brother, and that really takes some doing!

I couldn't believe my ears when Cameron was referred to on the BBC news as 'Honest Dave'. It would be hard to imagine a bigger misnomer.

51% of UK exports go to the EU, 9% of exports from the rest of the EU come here. Who stands to lose the most if we leave?

When I saw Eurovision trending on Twitter, I assumed that Cameron had secured an opt-out for the UK.

by **Ivan** Sat Feb 20, 2016 11:35 am

As Cameron makes an embarrassing lack of progress in Europe, he immediately regrets taking coaching from Louis van Gaal.

There's a programme on BBC1 that looks a bit like ‘Question Time’, but it can't be because Nigel Farage isn't on it.

As Cherie Blair is accused of accepting money from a discredited conman, she denies that Tony ever gave her as much as a fiver.

‘The Guardian’ reported "ill-tempered exchanges" at the EU summit. If Cameron reverts to his Bullingdon days, the dining room will get trashed.

“Twitter is a stalking ground for the sanctimoniously self-righteous." (Stephen Fry)

We have terrorism and migration to consider, but EU leaders have to waste time on Cameron because he's too weak to stand up to his own MPs.

Archaeologists say they have just 24 hours to dig up a Bronze Age wheel found in Cambridgeshire before the council clamp it.

The ‘Troops to Teachers’ scheme is failing because veterans are reluctant to enter another profession where they're under constant fire and poorly equipped.

Pity that the humanitarian crisis wasn’t discussed at the EU summit. Instead leaders talked about the best way to feed sugar lumps to Tory sceptics.

Ofgem reminds consumers who are angry over British Gas’s profits that it's easy to switch to another supplier who'll treat them with equal contempt.

I feel sickened by the fact that Cameron has been fighting others in the EU for months for the right to take money from children.

by **Ivan** Sat Feb 20, 2016 11:30 pm

If the negotiations had lasted any longer, Cameron would have had no choice other than to get Jeremy Hunt to impose an agreement on the EU.

NHS 111 helpline may not now be fit for purpose. The contract was given to the private firm Care UK, a Tory donor.

Yesterday Cameron would have recommended Brexit if he hadn't secured his sham deal. Now he's 100% for Remain. He has no principles.

The 'sovereignty' argument is a red herring, since we've never lost it. If we had, we couldn't be having an in/out referendum on 23 June.

Some moron on ‘Any Answers’ was claiming that the UK has “uncontrolled immigration”. Why then is there a migrant camp in Calais?

If some terrorists ever kidnap Iain Duncan Smith, we would have to pay the ransom or they might release him.

Tim Farron says the Lib Dems are the only party completely united around Remain. If you think he's wrong you can ask the other member.

You have to admire Boris for weighing the evidence and pondering the national interest before finally backing whichever side's best for his career.

by **Ivan** Tue Feb 23, 2016 9:35 am

Nadhim Zahawi says "Cameron is one of the best PMs this country has ever had". If you change just one word of that, he would be correct.

Republicans claim Obama won due to his race. Now they claim Hillary's support is due to gender. To them, only white men win on merit.

The late Rik Mayall's fictional character Alan B'Stard now seems quite genial if compared to the vicious and incompetent Iain Duncan Smith.

Restricting benefits to EU workers is a solution to a problem that doesn't exist.

At least the vast family wealth created by selling arms to the Nazis won't now get Bush The Even Thicker into the White House.

Downing Street trying to play down the emerging Tory divisions over Europe is like Californians trying to play down the San Andreas fault.

"The outers will build castles in the air of British greatness regained, 1950s restored, drawbridge up, foreigners repelled." (Polly Toynbee)

Poll says that 38% of Donald Trump's supporters in South Carolina want to bring back slavery.

I suspect that Charles Darwin would have doubted his theory of evolution had he encountered Iain Duncan Smith.

When the media refer to Boris Johnson as “a big beast”, I assume they mean he's overweight and often quite inhuman.

by Sponsored content