Favourite 'tweets'

by **Ivan** Thu Jan 26, 2012 5:23 pm

First topic message reminder :

For those of us who use 'Twitter', I thought it might be worth having a thread to share some of the interesting tweets we come across. Here are three that I've read today:-

Nick Clegg says "families are at boiling point". Well you put the gas under them, Clegg!

When a man talks dirty to a woman its sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man its $3.95 a minute.

No income tax, no VAT
No points last week off Man City
The future’s grim, he's looking pale
Harry Redknapp’s off to jail.

by oftenwrong Wed Sep 16, 2015 11:03 pm

The Independent ‏@Independent · 38 minutes ago
Thousands of people want the BBC to call Cameron 'the right-wing Prime Minister' http://ind.pn/1iOyi7b

Adam Boulton retweeted
Dave Cameron ‏@EtonOldBoys · Sep 12
I wonder if the Tory papers will run with Corbyns Expenses for last year £8.75 .... you wont read that in the Sun or Mail, or Sky News

by oftenwrong Mon Sep 28, 2015 11:30 pm

"There is no such thing as bad publicity"

Favourite 'tweets' - Page 10 CQAIe5ZWcAAhnFm

Discuss.

by boatlady Tue Sep 29, 2015 7:40 am

Makes him look like a hero - you'd never see anyone on the Tory side doing something so human

by **Ivan** Fri Oct 02, 2015 2:31 pm

If everyone had a gun, we wouldn't have to worry about gun violence. That’s why war zones are noted for their safety.

Russia denies that its bombing campaign is “wildly off target”, but apologises for the huge crater in suburban St Albans.

The Redcar steel plant might get attention and support from the Tory government if it declared itself to be part of China.

The right read Hayek. The left read Marx and ‘The Ragged Trousered Philanthropists’. Nigel Farage watches ‘Genevieve’.

The press highlight missing areas of Corbyn speech. Tomorrow: cakes Mary Berry hasn't baked, and things Bob the Builder hasn't fixed.

The Tory government vows to meet its 2020 target for building over a million second homes.

I wish someone would explain why Britain and France need nuclear weapons, yet the rest of Europe seems to manage without them.

Douglas Carswell calls on UKIP to “work with all parties” in an attempt to resolve his crushing loneliness.

The shocking thing is that a US school shooting is not in the least surprising.

My DAB radio is so clear I can actually hear Malcolm Rifkind in the background demanding his huge fee.

The car smoking ban begins. Smoke can stay in a car for up to 2½ hrs, unless it’s a VW, in which case it mysteriously disappears.

Jeremy Corbyn states he will never use ‘the button’, neither the nuclear one nor the top shirt one.

The Tories are setting up their own trade union movement. In other news, the south west branch of the National Farmers’ Union is starting a support group for badgers.

"We believe that the only way to cure cancer is to make sure everyone has cancer", says gun lobby doctor.

Life expectancy in the UK rises by three years to 81, as Britons desperately cling on hoping to see the Chilcot Report.

Don’t knock Nadhim Zahawi. Be honest, who hasn't accidentally claimed £6,000 from the taxpayer to keep their stables warm every now and then?

Tim Farron says "a vast space" has opened up in politics, as he looks round the empty seats at the Lib Dem conference.

Corbyn: "Build a kinder society."
Osborne: "No, sell a kinder society off under right-to-buy, so prices go up and only a few can afford it."

Nigel Lawson is to lead the movement to exit Europe. Other strong contenders were Arsène Wenger and José Mourinho.

by **Ivan** Tue Oct 06, 2015 11:56 pm

"I'd lose my spark married to ghastly Tom Jones", writes Sarah Vine, who just happens to be the wife of that weird little oik Michael Gove.

Iain Duncan Smith is one of the few people who can arrive home and say "work was murder" and mean it literally.

Theresa May's speech received about the same level of applause as a well crafted 50 in a 2nd XI match at Hove.

The new Tory definition of poverty is when daddy refuses to pay for any more Bollinger and you are forced to drink Veuve-Clicquot.

I think most families would thrive, IDS, if they could live rent-free in a mansion, with free breakfasts and free underpants.

In this week's ‘You Couldn't Make It Up’ - cut pensioners' benefits because they'll be dead or will have forgotten by 2020.

Further hardship for former Liverpool manager Brendan Rodgers, as the bags he cleared his desk into cost him 5p each.

"Welfare cuts will force lazy Brits to work harder", says Jeremy Hunt, just back from a seven-week holiday and getting a 10% pay rise.

Islamic State admits blowing up ancient monument was a mistake, as if they’d waited long enough the US air force would probably have done it for them.

by **Ivan** Sat Oct 10, 2015 4:01 pm

UK hospitals have become crowded with immigrants. They're known collectively as the staff.

US defence secretary says Russia’s Syria campaign will complicate matters, as opposed to the easy-peasy situation we have now.

Latest Tesco figures reveal that the company is now worth less than its stock of plastic bags.

Sarah Palin probably thinks the reason the Indians were the first people in the USA was because they had reservations.

“NHS faces worst funding crisis in a generation. Hard to know where to find money for it. In other news, isn't Trident a bargain at £100bn?” (David Schneider)

Only in the USA could the same people who fight abortion, because they're "pro-life", be against gun control and support the death penalty.

Wonder if I can find a cheap immigrant worker to remove the bite marks from the carpet, after listening to ‘Any Answers’?

The most doom-laden words you could hear on arriving at a London dinner party: “Come right in, you’ll find Geoffrey Howe’s in sparkling form”.

by **Ivan** Wed Oct 14, 2015 11:55 pm

Osborne is to tell his supporters, at an exclusive £850-per-head dinner, that the Tories are now the only party of fiscal responsibility.

Booker Prize judge says he won't let his mother read the winning novel due to the swearing, adding that she should really learn to curb her language.

“Daddy, what does PMQs stand for?”
“Pig Molester’s Questions, son.”

My local UKIP book group is a disappointment. I thought we were going to read books, not colour them in.

Can someone please explain why our children and grandchildren are important to the Tories, but this generation isn't?

All the toilets in a Manchester police station have been stolen. Detectives have nothing to go on.

The death of irony – Cameron tells Tom Watson to “examine his conscience”.

Not tuition fees or trashing the NHS, Nick Clegg says his biggest mistake was where he sat in Parliament on Wednesday lunchtimes.

"I love our party too much to see us lose again", said Liz Kendall, who then helped the Tories by abstaining on the Fiscal Charter vote.

Osborne urges disgruntled Labour MPs to “show some steel”, which is now imported from China.

by boatlady Thu Oct 15, 2015 7:37 am

Can someone please explain why our children and grandchildren are important to the Tories, but this generation isn't?

Something to do with the indoctrination being complete by the time they grow up and they will understand their role as slave labour so much better?

by oftenwrong Thu Oct 15, 2015 5:34 pm

" Give me a child until he is seven and I will give you the man".

Allegedly attributed to the Catholic Order, the Jesuits. In one respect it demonstrates a good understanding that the child's development from a young age is very influential on the rest of their lives.

by boatlady Thu Oct 15, 2015 6:20 pm

The generation now growing up are no doubt learning their places nicely

by **Ivan** Fri Oct 16, 2015 11:33 pm

“Fiscal responsibility acts are instruments of the fiscally irresponsible to con the public.” (George Osborne, 2010)

Scientists say modern humans only require six hours of sleep, which roughly equates to one day’s Test cricket.

Nicky Morgan denies that the opening of a new grammar school is breaking the law, saying it is actually “law avoidance”.

If the Tories believe reducing someone's household income will encourage them to work harder, why not tax millionaires more?

Strong people don’t put others down, they lift them up.

Old age, illness, poverty and disability will stop Syrians from coming to the UK. If that fails, surely Iain Duncan Smith would be a deterrent?

Landlord Tory MP Philip Davies says the UK law requiring homes to be fit for human habitation is “an unnecessary burden”.

Has Cameron cancelled the Saudi prison deal because Theresa May thinks that country is far too liberal for her?

“My ancestors didn’t make their way to this great country to have immigrants come in and take their jobs.” (Donald Trump)

by boatlady Sat Oct 17, 2015 11:33 am

A rich seam of irony is emerging in our public discourse these days

by oftenwrong Sun Oct 18, 2015 6:54 pm

"I have 600,000 followers on Twitter. I am the new Jesus."
Katie Hopkins

Err, yeah, right Katie. Just now could be a good time to turn that wine back into water.

by **Ivan** Sat Oct 24, 2015 12:20 am

Favourite 'tweets' - Page 10 CPvaUq-WwAEqvcH

https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CPvaUq-WwAEqvcH.png

by **Ivan** Sat Oct 24, 2015 9:54 am

George Osborne seems to love the Chinese, but isn’t he concerned by their draconian punishments for drug offenders?

"If the living wage was the panacea they claim it to be, they wouldn't reprimand their cleaners for asking for it." (Jon Richardson)

TalkTalk admits that elite hackers got around passwords, firewalls and security cordons and successfully contacted customer services.

“The trouble with extremists like Corbyn is, that unlike sensible moderates, they complain about the behaviour of the Chinese Communist Party.” (Mark Steel)

"I'd like to toast the future prime minister of Canada: to Justin Pierre Trudeau." (Richard Nixon, in 1972)

Sources close to Sir John Chilcot have indicated that a publication timetable may be released by early November. So it won’t be long now if you’re a geologist.

The Chinese agree not to hack into the UK's major commercial enterprises, mainly because they already own them all.

Nigel Farage might have great difficulty getting into Westminster, but he has a rock solid safe seat on ‘Question Time’.

Cameron wants to create more peers and reduce the number of MPs, but he then talks of “the primacy of the Commons”. The irony is lost on him.

Spare a thought for ‘Daily Telegraph’ newshounds working through the night trying to find a link between Jeremy Corbyn and Hurricane Patricia.

China awards Robert Mugabe its ‘Peace Prize’. Other awards include ‘Most Loyal Supporter’ to Lord Ashcroft and ‘Best Haircut’ to Robert Peston.

Does anyone know if they've set up a helpline yet for people struggling with the news that Lord Warner is quitting Labour?

by **Ivan** Mon Oct 26, 2015 8:05 pm

How nice of Tory peer Andrew Lloyd Webber (reportedly worth £620 million) to fly in from New York to back cuts to tax credits for poor workers.

Simon Danczuk's surname looks like the result of somebody headbutting their keyboard. Which is apt, given that's what I feel like doing whenever he speaks.

The House of Lords needs to respect this government’s democratic right to force through changes for which nobody democratically voted.

President Xi responds to Cameron story of leaving daughter in a pub, saying China has a much more efficient system for ‘losing’ children.

It looks as if the Tories must have raided the local cemeteries to fill the benches in the House of Lords. What a bunch of over-entitled ghouls!

If the Tories really wanted employers to pay better wages, they wouldn't be bringing in their trade union bill which destroys collective bargaining.

UK democracy – when an unelected writer of musical theatre and a bra designer are asked to decide if poor kids are to become poorer.

The Tories are saying that the House of Lords must respect the constitution and democracy. Otherwise they’ll flood it with hundreds of new unelected Tory peers.

Who can really believe that archaic constitutional protocol matters more than people not going hungry?

Tories are saying that members of the shadow cabinet are so far left they've “fallen off the edge”. Does this indicate that the Tories believe the earth is flat?

by **Ivan** Wed Oct 28, 2015 11:01 pm

Osborne agrees to soften the blow of tax credit cuts for the poor with the offer of free sausages, bacon and processed meats.

If a second chamber isn't supposed to do anything other than rubber stamp government policies, what's the point of having it?

Cameron used his conference speech to personally smear Corbyn. Corbyn used his speech to ask Cameron to help save a boy's life in Saudi Arabia.

“If a free society cannot help the many who are poor, it cannot save the few who are rich.” (John F. Kennedy)

BT is to merge with EE. As a result, they will be changing their name to ET and making it cheaper to phone home.

I always thought ‘Fear of Flying’ was Dennis Bergkamp's autobiography.

The government challenges the EU commission to agree to abandon the ‘tampon tax’ with no strings attached.

“If the constitution doesn't let people vote to protect the poor and vulnerable, maybe there's something wrong with the constitution.” (David Schneider)

During discussions about our EU membership, Cameron says he’s attracted to a Norwegian model, as long as his wife doesn’t find out.

Osborne is insisting that tax credit cuts would have strengthened the poor, if only by doubling their numbers.

Ex-PM Tony Abbott tells Europe to close its borders to migrants like Australia did, or at least, should have done, in 1788.

"The defining feature of Cameron’s career is a chronic disconnect between words, deeds and consequences." (John Gray)

by **Ivan** Sat Oct 31, 2015 5:21 pm

My neighbour has four pumpkins outside her house. They all look like either Donald Trump or Boris Johnson.

Jeremy Hunt promised no junior doctor would get a pay cut, and then he voted against a motion calling for no junior doctor to get a pay cut.

Europe deeply regrets not listening to Tony Abbott and closing its borders – before he arrived on a visit.

Rumour has it that Cameron has booked into an STD clinic following the World Health Organisation's bacon warning.

TalkTalk have been ranked bottom in a cyber-crime satisfaction survey due to the length of time it takes to get through with ransom demands.

There was a real buzz at the Lib Dem conference. It was so quiet you could hear the faulty fridge in the venue kitchen.

Charging foreigners for A&E treatment means we'll have chip and pin machines set up for when we start charging everyone.

Breaking a constitutional convention is much worse than lying to voters, insists David Cameron

The kids said they wanted Halloween costumes guaranteed to turn the stomach of anyone who answered their door. So I made them UKIP rosettes.

ITV has now been running for 60 years. If you take out the adverts it's about 5.

Theresa May is well-placed to criticise police diversity. The cabinet is a broad mix of privately-educated millionaires born into wealth.

"Since the 1980s, one has only had to stand still to become a radical.” (Alan Bennett)

by **Ivan** Mon Nov 02, 2015 6:21 pm

Has the UK ever had a government that combined such a high level of malice with sheer economic incompetence?

China has scrapped its one child policy after realising that it can always sell the surplus to the UK.

Can't help feeling that the politicians who want Trident are the unspeakable in pursuit of the unusable.

Sir John Chilcot announces that his long-awaited report will be seen in June 2016. Followed by page 2 in June 2017 and page 3 in June 2018.

Donald Trump says the questions in the latest TV debate were “nasty and ridiculous”, but he couldn’t help asking them.

Tory MP Philip Davies stopped carers from getting free hospital parking - but he claims his parking fees on expenses.

Is it true that after Chelsea lost to Liverpool, José Mourinho refused to shake hands with himself?

Tories won't stop you striking - as long as you're over 50 and produce signed letters of consent from all four of your grandparents.

by **Ivan** Wed Nov 04, 2015 11:21 pm

“Desperate stuff from Cameron, claiming that a higher personal allowance worth £80 a year will compensate people losing £1,000 a year in tax credits.” (John Rentoul)

The size of the chip on Simon Danczuk’s shoulder can be seen from space.

“It’s getting longer and longer”, said Cameron after PMQs. Presumably he was referring to his nose after all the lies he told about cuts to tax credits.

"The essential message of a Republican candidate is that you love America, but hate all the groups that make up America." (Frankie Boyle)

"Keeping people's data for a year poses no risks", says the government's new security spokesman, the head of TalkTalk.

I hope President Sisi doesn't tarnish his own reputation by meeting with Theresa May.

If PMQs was extended until Cameron actually answered the questions, my trousers would be back in fashion.

"Global governance is beginning to look like a never-ending Bilderberg meeting." (George Monbiot)

What’s so special about Christmas? The birth of a man who thinks he’s god isn’t such a rare event.

Cameron's EU negotiations are expected to achieve a promise to serve only digestive biscuits at every summit.

“Creationists have often made me doubt evolution, but probably not in the way they think.” (Frankie Boyle)

Winston McKenzie has quit UKIP, claiming racial discrimination. He's also left the MCC after discovering that they play cricket.

by boatlady Thu Nov 05, 2015 8:32 am

What’s so special about Christmas? The birth of a man who thinks he’s god isn’t such a rare event.

santa

by oftenwrong Thu Nov 05, 2015 12:14 pm

I sincerely hope that Twitter is required reading at Conservative Central Office.

Constant dripping can wear away even the hardest soul.

by **Ivan** Thu Nov 05, 2015 8:29 pm

It’s November 5th. Remember to check under your bonfire for endangered prickly creatures.

Favourite 'tweets' - Page 10 CTEaC6zWEAAQdMQ

https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CTEaC6zWEAAQdMQ.jpg

by **Ivan** Sun Nov 08, 2015 5:00 pm

The Million Mask March against capitalism was “a huge success”, according to the owner of a mask shop.

“Snooping on personal phone calls is not an infringement of human rights”, says government’s new communications commissioner, Andy Coulson.

If Labour 'bankrupted us', how come they kept our AAA credit rating? If the Tories are so economically competent, how come they lost it?

The Tories cut our police, NHS, armed forces and fire services. But don't worry, Britain, our updated Trident missiles will keep us all safe.

The UK urgently sends extra consular staff to Egypt to check for possible security risks, golden beaches, great bars and fabulous food.

I read that someone who hasn't been seen for ages is to be officially declared dead. I thought it must be Nick Clegg, but apparently it's Lord Lucan.

The Tories want access to all that we do, yet they keep what they do hidden. This sounds more like a dictatorship every day.

‘The Sun’ is allegedly reporting that the bloke who cuts Corbyn's Auntie Mary's neighbour's ex husband's hair forgot to wear his poppy for 5 minutes.

Rescue flights for Britons in Sharm were suspended by Egypt. Brave move; last time Egyptians stopped people leaving they were hit with 10 plagues.

Cameron says every home in the UK will have access to broadband by 2020. What a pity that more and more people won't have access to a home.

by **Ivan** Tue Nov 10, 2015 3:03 pm

I’m utterly mystified why the billionaire, non-dom, tax-avoiding, Tory donors who own UK newspapers don't like Corbyn. Can anyone shed any light?

Maybe Cameron will tell Hollande and Merkel that Britain will leave the EU unless our motorists can drive on the left when in Europe?

Jeremy Hunt should get promotion to business secretary. He’s done a great job exporting doctors.

Thinking of applying Osborne's economic policy to myself: not going to produce anything, just sell off my tables, chairs, carpets, curtains and cutlery.

The IAAF is making FIFA look as innocuous as The Woodcraft Folk.

Will the one person who still thinks the NHS is safe in Cameron's hands please take their medication?

Even the Dalai Lama would take an instant dislike to Digby Jones. It's impossible not to do so.

Rumour has it that Cameron's main demand is for Britain to be given a veto in the Eurovision Song Contest.

‘The Sun’ accuses Jeremy Corbyn of refusing to bow, proving that they at least are willing to stoop pretty low.

The Treasury secures 30% cuts from the Treasury. “This is excellent news” said a Treasury spokesman, clearing his desk.

Cameron: “We’re in the EU so we must have a say in euro laws.”
Cameron: “Scotland’s in the UK but it mustn’t have a say in English laws."

Lord Coe admits doping allegations meant IAAF review needed to be sped up. Thankfully, they know plenty of guys who could help.

I wouldn't mind the press holding Jeremy Corbyn to impossibly high standards so much if they held Cameron to any standard at all.

UKIP is on the verge of financial meltdown, amid suggestions that its accounts have a bit of a problem being “in the black”.

Cameron’s promises are like babies, easy to make but hard to deliver.

by **Ivan** Sat Nov 14, 2015 11:27 pm

The Tory proposal to stop NHS funding for homeopathy is likely to be watered down, then again, and then over 30 times more.

Should all Christians be called terrorists because the Crusades and Inquisition were carried out in the name of their religion? I think not.

“Nothing in the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity.” (Martin Luther King)

Had a lovely day at Anfield last Sunday. The Liverpool fans were very respectful of the minute's silence, keeping it up for the whole 90 minutes.

I wish people cared about the world as much as they care about who they believe created it.

When Cameron complained about cuts to services in Oxfordshire, the leader of the council must have thought he was on ‘Beadle's About’.

Remember the victims of the Paris attacks and their families, and spare a thought for peaceful Muslims now living in fear of reprisals.

Donald Trump denies the only reason he wants to ship eleven million people out of the USA is because he owns the largest bus firm in the country.

“Fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people are so full of doubts.” (Bertrand Russell)

We must offer hope of a job, home and a decent standard of living to all young people, so they aren't tempted to seek solace in religious extremism.

This will be the last ‘Children In Need’, as there will be no more children in need after the Tories announce changes to the way need is measured.

40 years ago some of today’s callers to ‘Any Answers’ would have advocated concentration camps for Catholics and carpet bombing of the Bogside.

At the Cenotaph, Jeremy Corbyn's third shirt button down was slightly more polished than the second one up. What an insult to our air force!

by **Ivan** Thu Nov 19, 2015 12:50 pm

Such irony. David Blunkett wants Livingstone to resign over his mental health jibe. He also wants to see more 'sane' people in the Labour Party.

Osborne is to double the budget for improving cyber security, in order to prevent harmful attacks prompted by the reduction in police budgets.

Cameron, who promised to cut the cost of government, is spending £10 million of our money on a plane for him and his cabinet cronies to use.

Socialism doesn’t mean taking wealth from those who work hard and giving it to those who don’t. That’s capitalism.

New alphabetically-named storms Abigail and Barney cause major damage. NHS hospitals are bracing themselves for storms Cameron and David.

What a damning indictment of David Blunkett - he's received a vote of confidence from that sleazebag Liam Fox!

Cameron expects councils to "do more for less". Maybe if his salary was drastically reduced he might perform better.

It's so much easier to smuggle arms into Tory UK, because they’ve cut border staff, coastguards, police, the RAF and the navy to the bone!

George Osborne used to be obnoxious and arrogant, but now he's just the opposite - arrogant and obnoxious.

“From now on The Marseillaise should be our national anthem all the time. We can sell our old one to someone we don't like.” (Mark Steel)

Cameron is so dishonest that you can't even be sure that what he tells us are lies.

I once read ‘The Daily Mail’. It took me ages to shower afterwards.

I can't work out why seeing Osborne at PMQs makes me want to listen to either Bob Marley or Grateful Dead.

Cameron’s new taxpayer-funded plane is to be known as ‘Air Farce 1’.

I used to think Boris Johnson was a colossal pain in the neck. Now I have a much lower opinion of him.

by oftenwrong Thu Nov 19, 2015 5:41 pm

Cameron’s new taxpayer-funded plane is to be known as ‘Air Farce 1’.

Unless an unexpected moment of honesty names it 'Hubris'.

by **Ivan** Sat Nov 21, 2015 8:55 am

With old fossils Nigel Lawson and Charles Clarke on the programme, it was appropriate that ‘Any Questions’ came from the Charles Darwin School.

Don't blame Osborne for the worst October deficit figures in years. He’s got to clear up the mess left by the idiots who were in power until 2015.

Experts deny that the terrorist onslaught will ever cause an apocalypse, as mass antibiotic resistance will do that first.

Anna Soubry must have wandered out of the golf club social in the dark and accidentally stumbled into the ‘Question Time’ studio.

Temperature plummeting, dark clouds gathering. Either snow is on the way or Iain Duncan Smith is visiting Yorkshire.

Not only is Osborne devoid of any economic skills, he lacks any sense – it’s probably too common for him.

Tory plan to reduce antibiotic use: force doctors out on strike so that nobody prescribes them.

Why does the BBC keep digging up Nigel Lawson? Does it have Burke and Hare on the production team?

by **Ivan** Mon Nov 23, 2015 11:30 pm

Prince Charles says the Queen's longevity is because of global warming. We must cut emissions.

No bad weather is forecast, so the Met Office advises making unnecessary journeys.

Those who criticise others for not wearing poppies, or not bowing deeply, don't seem the type to want world peace.

“Good to be spending £31 billion on Trident while cutting police budgets, because Trident plus fewer police officers is the best way to combat ISIS.” (David Schneider)

Jeremy Hunt sets an example to anyone thinking of missing a doctor's appointment by not bothering to turn up to face MPs.

“The BBC's political independence is being eroded”, says the corporation's director general, Tony Hall. Tell us something we didn’t know.

To determine if they're still alive, police raid the home of young parents who haven't posted a picture of their baby on Facebook for two days.

How does Cameron want to respond to ISIS murdering innocent civilians? By bombing Syria and no doubt killing more innocent civilians.

Prince Charles links climate change to Chelsea's abysmal start to the season.

George Osborne rushes to the north of England after hearing reports of white stuff falling out of the sky.

by **Ivan** Wed Nov 25, 2015 10:16 pm

NATO bosses are refusing to answer whether the shooting down of a Russian jet is the start of WW3, due to the poor signal in their underground bunker.

The questions from Tory backbenchers at PMQs contain more plants than my local garden centre.

The Muslim boy arrested for bringing a homemade clock into school seeks $15m in damages, proving just how American he was all along.

Since the Office for Budget Responsibility adjusted his bathroom scales, Eric Pickles has reached his target weight.

Judy Garland's ‘Wizard of Oz’ dress sells for £1m to a rich entrepreneur who remained anonymous, behind a large curtain.

Labour causes world recessions, whereas the Tories face "a weakening global picture".

The crowd at Elland Road support Manchester United more than Cameron has backed the UK steel industry.

“Apart from fuelling the conflict, killing civilians, the fact it won't work and war with Russia, I can’t see a downside to bombing ISIS.” (David Schneider)

I'm not watching Osborne's spending review. I hear lollipop ladies are to be merged with the SAS to save on admin costs.

Relief in the USA as Americans realise that new global travel warnings won’t affect the 55% of them who don’t own passports.

New information on Paris terror fugitive: he’s now heading to Germany in a BMW. Police are on the lookout for "nearly everyone".

"If you go quoting Chairman Mao, you ain't going to make it with anyone anyhow." (Boris Johnson, misquoting John Lennon)

I suppose now we must bomb Turkey, and Russia, as we have to do something. Then we can start on Bulgaria as it's only round the corner.

If I was Corbyn my next question would be: "Can the Prime Minister look at Nicky Morgan's eyes and honestly say she's not off her face on E?".

Osborne cuts student nurse tuition grants to fund training places. In other news, items from Peter’s recent burglary have been found in Paul’s house.

Every time we bomb, humanity loses. We just prove once again that where terrorists lead, we follow.

by **Ivan** Sat Nov 28, 2015 12:35 pm

Attlee, Macmillan, Heath, Callaghan all fought in wars. They didn't play fast and loose with military action. Blair and Cameron didn't and do.

“Osborne has sold off the family silver. Now he’s selling off the furniture." (John McDonnell)

If the attacker of Planned Parenthood turns out to be a Christian, will every Christian in the USA be expected to apologise for his actions?

Many Tories (and a few others) want to bomb Syria, but if they do they'll no doubt complain about the refugees they create in the process!

Apparently ‘The Sun’, ‘Mail’, ‘Telegraph’ and Nick Robinson are so upset about John McDonnell quoting Mao that they're never going to back Labour again.

Feel sorry for Black Friday shoppers. They couldn’t sleep in anticipation of buying stuff shops don't want, that they don't need and with money they don't have.

In ten years from now, many MPs will say: "Of course in retrospect it was a disaster with no planning, but this is different so we must bomb Latvia".

Chairman Mao comes up a lot on doorsteps. What with all the complaints about agrarian reforms and Confucian value systems.

What sort of twisted logic drives someone who is opposed to abortion (because of the sanctity of life) to kill people?

If Labour right-wingers succeed in forcing out Jeremy Corbyn, what next? Do they seriously believe party members will opt for Liz Kendall?

To avoid another unnecessary delay, the Tories have already appointed Chilcot to look into why the bombing of Syria went so badly wrong.

by **Ivan** Mon Nov 30, 2015 12:03 am

To those not reassured by Michael Fallon's claim over civilian casualties in Syria, he's also banned earthquakes.

I finally persuaded the dog to come down from the roof once he knew 4th Impact are out of ‘X Factor’.

It’s really windy in NE England. Haven't heard howling like this since the Lords forced Osborne into a U-turn over tax credits.

"There's nothing wrong with our medical department, the injuries are just bad luck", says Arsenal's chief doctor, José Mourinho.

How many arrests have resulted from these seven foiled UK terrorist attacks this year, Mr Fallon?

The Colorado gunman confirms that he’s Pro-Life, except for people who've already been born.

“Dropping bombs on Syria will make your children targets for terrorists. Is this really what you want?” (Brian May)

Cameron has every confidence that Lord Feldman will do a good job of investigating himself and others over the Tory Party bullying scandal.

by **Ivan** Wed Dec 02, 2015 4:12 pm

22 days after laying a wreath at the Cenotaph to remember 'the war to end all wars', Cameron announces a vote for another war.

Defence committee chairman Julian Lewis: "Instead of having dodgy dossiers, we now have bogus battalions of moderate fighters”.

Bullying within the Tory youth movement included name-calling. Not least by Grant Shapps, who has called himself several different names.

Under Cameron, someone who doesn't want to murder civilians is a "terrorist sympathiser". What next, internment for such ‘fifth columnists’?

“War against a foreign country only happens when the moneyed classes think they are going to profit from it.” (George Orwell)

At least Osborne will be safe during the Syria air strikes, as he seems to be on another planet.

“Primum non nocere” ("first, do no harm”) is the ethos of doctors to patients. It should also apply to civilians for those planning air strikes.

After Black Friday and Cyber Monday, welcome to Wallet Shut Wednesday, the day when the good folk of Yorkshire spend nowt.

Cameron's "terrorist sympathisers" jibe demonstrates one thing yet again, that the man may have wealth but absolutely zero class.

Jeremy Corbyn is allowing his MPs to “vote with their consciences” on Syria. Cameron wouldn't do the same for his MPs as it might confuse them.

by **Ivan** Thu Dec 03, 2015 3:07 pm

“Too many times since 1945, I have heard or read the speeches for war from people who will never be close to the carnage of battle.” (Harry Leslie Smith)

A kid with an imaginary friend is cute. But a PM with 70,000 of them is worrying.

To be fair, the MPs who voted for bombing assured us they “didn't take the decision lightly”. None said “I don't care, so I rolled a dice”.

Remember that time when you wanted to put out a fire by adding more fire? Me neither.

Not sure Tory HQ spinning the lie at the next election that SNP MPs are a danger to Britain will work quite as well as it did this year.

I admire Cameron naming people "terrorist sympathisers", adding "just move on" when they object. He ought to try that in the pubs of Peckham.

Do we not teach children that it's wrong to fight violence with violence? There is too much hypocrisy in our society.

Just watched ‘Black Mass’ with Johnny Depp, a film about dealing with bad people by going to war alongside other bad people. It doesn't end well.

I don't take kindly to a PM who implies that if you're not with him, you're against him. Such thinking is the mindset of a fascist.

No greater evidence for UK austerity being a fraud exists than the speed at which money is found to wage pointless warfare.

"It’s a dangerous political gesture…..a lot of what Cameron has said is for the fairies." (Max Hastings)

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

If the National Rifle Association was in charge of snow removal, its solution would be to put more snow on the streets.

Republicans vote weekly to repeal Obamacare, which is saving lives, yet they oppose amending the constitution to save lives.

GOP logic: we don't need gay marriage, birth control or health care, but we do need our assault weapons and high capacity clips.

Firearms take a life every 16 minutes in the USA. Thanks to the GOP and the NRA, it’s even legal for those on the terrorism watch list to buy guns.

14 are dead in San Bernardino and many others injured. But luckily for them, the GOP is offering up loads of thoughts and prayers.

by **Ivan** Fri Dec 04, 2015 6:46 pm

So, David Cameron reckons I'm a "terrorist sympathiser". I laughed so hard my grenades nearly fell out my pocket.

'Daily Telegraph' says Labour won Oldham because of Jim McMahon. Had Labour lost the seat it would no doubt have been "all Corbyn's fault".

“If you find ‘Daesh’ hard to pronounce, you can call it ‘Saudi Arabia’. Then you get to trade with it.” (Jeremy Hardy)

I was going to say that truth is the first casualty in war, but with Cameron in charge it was 'dead' long before any bombing began.

Why does Paul Nuttall call postal voting an ''affront to democracy''? Are UKIP voters too thick to know how to use a post box?

"Terrorist sympathisers? You start calling people names because you're frightened that someone might listen to their arguments." (James O’Brien)

"The further a society drifts from truth, the more it will hate those who speak it." Orwell could have been predicting Britain under Cameron.

by **Ivan** Sat Dec 05, 2015 5:36 pm

Cameron is delighted to have the support of 70,000 Syrian ‘moderates’, and he praises their extraordinary camouflage skills.

Just had a chat to the landlord of our local pub about the storm. He hasn't seen damage like this since the Bullingdon Club visited in 1987.

The Oldham by-election was being spun in much of the media as a big test for Corbyn. Until Labour won.

Fallon says RAF pilots can drop bombs in Syria "without their hands tied behind their backs". Does he have any more stupid advice for them?

The wind's howling like Nigel Farage over Oldham West, though not quite as loud.

Michael Owen: “When they don't score, they hardly ever win.” With a brain like that, he should be a rocket scientist.

Tom Newton Dunn opines on the Oldham by-election on Sky News. A one-legged drunk with an inner ear infection on a unicycle would be more balanced.

Cameron confirms that Santa is real and has an army of 70,000 elves.

After Oldham, Farage calls on the electoral process to resign, but adds that it can return in a couple of days.

“It is difficult to free fools from the chains they revere.” (Voltaire)

by boatlady Sat Dec 05, 2015 5:43 pm

Much as we may deplore these times, they do seem to unleash a rich seam of absurdity - which is always entertaining

by **Ivan** Tue Dec 08, 2015 12:40 pm

Cameron lists a series of problems caused by the Cumbria floods, knowing he has cut the services which will provide the solutions.

Q: What do Thatcher's friend Pinochet and Louis van Gaal have in common?
A: Both have got people into football stadiums and tortured them.

Persuading MPs to side with the rich and powerful is called "lobbying", but when citizens encourage them to side with anyone else it’s known as "bullying”.

Mass shootings are no longer 'news' in America; they've become updates, like the weather.

Further misery will result if millions aren't spent to improve defences, say both Manchester City and Chelsea.

Some people drink from the fountain of knowledge, but it looks as if Donald Trump just gargled.

If it wasn't for the Asians, postal votes, Labour voters, Tories, Lib Dems and Greens, UKIP would've won the Oldham by-election.

"Degrading, preventing, to finish them off." Was Philip Hammond talking about ISIS, or the poor and disabled in the UK?

I'm old enough to remember when Manchester United scored a goal.

Saying "thoughts and prayers" after every mass shooting often sounds like a glib response. Gun laws might be of more use.

Has broadcaster Laura Ingraham just realised that her pet alligator ‘Donald’ has grown big enough to eat her?

Liz Truss’s brain wouldn’t fill a matchbox.

So someone of Huguenot stock is claiming all Syrian refugees are economic migrants. What an odious, brainless, hypocrite Farage is!

How can you have an inquiry into bullying in the Tory Party? How do you investigate their raison d'être?

The magic of the FA Cup: it’s possible there could be giant-killing if Chelsea can beat either Leyton Orient or Scunthorpe.

If people who believe in 'small government' get flooded, do they still expect the emergency services to help them?

Great news about presumed consent for donor organs in Wales. Can we have that across the UK? (But apart from Tory hearts and minds, obviously.)

If Donald Trump had been a British political candidate, would he be offering to stop all weather from entering the UK?

by **Ivan** Thu Dec 10, 2015 5:26 pm

Not sure what I’m more offended by – Donald Trump calling for a ban on Muslims, or him calling Katie Hopkins “a respected columnist”.

Louis van Gaal is planning to recruit junior doctors in a desperate attempt to find some strikers.

Donald Trump pulls out of a golf course development in Argyll, citing fears about the radical Mullah Kintyre.

Climate change campaigners are to push the argument that two degrees can make an enormous difference - unless they’re both in media studies.

For any Americans confused as to who Katie Hopkins is, she's somewhere between a hate preacher and a national embarrassment.

Australian Rupert Murdoch, who now lives in New York, has called for a ban on immigration into the USA.

The bullying which has taken place in the Tory Party is just a microcosm of the way this government treats the whole country.

Katie Hopkins ought to sit down for a while. It would give her mind a rest.

Geneva on security alert? Isn’t that an overreaction to a few Liverpool supporters arriving for their match against Sion?

If the 2008 global crash had really been "all Labour's fault", I doubt if Morgan Stanley would have offered Alistair Darling a place on its board.

The good thing about Trump liking Katie Hopkins is that with any luck they’ll eventually take cyanide pills together in a bunker just before the Russians arrive.

A study says that Stonehenge was built in Wales, then dismantled and moved to England after locals complained about all the bloody hippies.

Rumour has it that Louis van Gaal is to replace Nigel Lawson as head of the 'exit Europe' campaign.

UK warns Donald Trump that Katie Hopkins has become "so radicalised" that people who read her column are "afraid for their sanity".

by boatlady Thu Dec 10, 2015 7:30 pm

The good thing about Trump liking Katie Hopkins is that with any luck they’ll eventually take cyanide pills together in a bunker just before the Russians arrive.

Have you got the Russians' email address? - I'll get in touch

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