Favourite 'tweets'

by **Ivan** Thu Jan 26, 2012 5:23 pm

First topic message reminder :

For those of us who use 'Twitter', I thought it might be worth having a thread to share some of the interesting tweets we come across. Here are three that I've read today:-

Nick Clegg says "families are at boiling point". Well you put the gas under them, Clegg!

When a man talks dirty to a woman its sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man its $3.95 a minute.

No income tax, no VAT
No points last week off Man City
The future’s grim, he's looking pale
Harry Redknapp’s off to jail.

by **Ivan** Sat Jan 17, 2015 8:38 pm

Why did the chicken cross the pond? For a photo op with Obama, of course!

There are zones of the UK which are no-go areas for rational thought. They're known as UKIP branch meetings.

“I may not agree with what you say, but I will fight for your right to say it. Unless you're David Starkey.” (David Schneider)

If Cameron is a ‘world leader’ then the world has suddenly become very small.

Really windy here in Yorkshire. Not seen trees in such imminent danger of serious damage since Eric Pickles gave up parachuting.

“I drink, therefore I am.” (W.C.Fields)

The only green thing Cameron is interested in is the fig leaf the party gives him for running away from public scrutiny.

A cheap alternative to HS2 would be to give every passenger £100 to catch an earlier train.

Amazing the number of UKIP supporters who spell ‘borders’ as ‘boarders’. Boarders are Farage, Carswell and Reckless, who attended public schools.

In Francis Maude's equal society, multimillionaires rub shoulders with mere millionaires.

So the financial crisis wasn't caused by too many Sure Start centres, whodathunkit?

The trouble with Thatcherism is once you've run out of taxpayers’ money, you have to dip into your wife or husband's offshore account.

“David Starkey is Katie Hopkins with a PhD.” (Mehdi Hasan)

Cameron says it's not the business of the state to censor the media. Then he tries to tell the media who they should have in the leaders’ TV debates.

Al Murray is standing against Nigel Farage in South Thanet. Is that a comedian versus a bad joke, or The Pub Landlord against The Pub Bore?

by **Ivan** Sat Jan 24, 2015 3:46 pm

Christine Lagarde thinks King Abdullah was "an advocate of women". On that basis, Hannibal Lecter qualifies as a champion of vegetarianism.

Who needs a Trident replacement? Russians would never nuke London, they own too much property there. The UK is literally as safe as houses.

"Anybody who is remotely impressed by Prince Andrew should very possibly not be allowed out without supervision." (Marina Hyde)

Strange how keen the Tories are to hunt foxes, yet so reluctant to hunt Westminster paedophiles.

“The politics of envy” - objecting to a tiny section of society holding all the elite positions is jealousy, or is it concern for basic fairness?

Mrs Windsor ordered flags to be flown at half mast for a brutal Saudi dictator. She didn't want to do that when her daughter-in-law died.

EVEL? Tories never had a problem when unionist MPs from the devolved Northern Ireland helped them to majorities in the 1950s and 1960s.

If so-called 'royalty' might be in the frame, women aren't "raped", they are "forced to have sex with....".

1,700 private jets have taken the bigwigs to the World Economic Forum in Davos to discuss, among other things, climate change.

"We have become a country of food banks and bank bonuses." (Janet Royall)

King Abdullah was a ‘reformer’ in much the same way as Bomber Harris ‘redeveloped’ Dresden in February 1945.

History will remember Leon Brittan for his assaults on miners and minors.

by stuart torr Sat Jan 24, 2015 4:13 pm

I could say so much to that post Ivan, which was brilliant as usual,
but the one that stuck in my throat the most and did when I read about it, was the fact that buck palace flying flags at half mast!!
For that cruel Saudi Dictator, but not for our own princess????

by **Ivan** Wed Jan 28, 2015 5:35 pm

“Cameron in brief: it's the right of every British worker to be given a low paid, insecure, zero hours contract job.” (Kevin Maguire)

Farage - the ultimate corporate plant to suck up votes of the dissatisfied, so they don't interfere with the corporate acquisition of UK plc.

Cameron relies utterly on spin, threats, fear, false economy, pitting people/regions against each other and mob-handed bullying.

"When the poor do not work it is called idleness, but when the rich do not work it's called leisure." (J.K.Galbraith)

Cameron’s first housing minister, Grant Shapps, tried to block plans for a housing estate on the airfield where he kept his Piper Saratoga plane.

Osborne’s economic plan – every target missed, statistics fiddled, AAA status lost, zero-hours contracts, housing bubble, tax cuts for rich.

"Britain has led the world in tax transparency." If you're going to tell a lie, Cameron, you might as well tell a whopper.

Cameron's new conditions for TV debates: he must be accompanied to the studios by Lord Lucan riding Shergar.

The Tory long term economic plan is working so well that there is talk of little else at our local foodbank.

“Cameron criticises Greece's democratic choice. Shame they didn't elect a misogynistic Saudi dictator, then he might have approved.” (John O’Farrell)

by boatlady Wed Jan 28, 2015 7:05 pm

I think the result of the Greek elections has upset a lot of people - in a good way

by stuart torr Wed Jan 28, 2015 7:24 pm

Now if I had of known Ivan I would of had a word with my friend and neighbor this afternoon as he was riding a lovely tan horse was the lord we call him. Laughing

by **Ivan** Tue Feb 03, 2015 3:15 pm

Francis Maude writes of Cameron's "strong and visionary leadership" and "Conservative competence". Is he after the Man Booker Prize for Fiction?

For all those people who equate a ‘posh’ voice with intelligence, Jacob Rees-Mogg is there to show just how wrong you can be.

Andy Murray is so ugly he should play his tennis on the radio, not the television.

Interviewing the Tory Lord Rose about Labour is like asking Alex Ferguson and Bobby Charlton why Manchester City is the best club in Manchester.

Cameron doesn't know 9 x 8. Jacob Rees-Mogg has a medieval understanding of science. Neither is a great advert for Eton.

If Francis Maude is retiring, who will there be to advise us on illegally stockpiling petrol in our garages?

Staff at Clarence House know Charles Windsor as 'The Prince of Wails', because of his temper and pessimistic outlook.

Jacob Rees-Mogg illustrates the dangers of children only having two parents.

When Gary Barlow says he supports the government, which one does he mean? The British Virgin Islands? Bermuda? Luxembourg?

Cameron promises this, Cameron pledges that – with his track record of lies and broken promises, why should anyone believe a word he says?

Jacob Rees-Mogg doesn't like EU directives, but on gay marriage and bioethics he takes his orders from the Vatican.

If Francis Maude isn't replaced as MP for Horsham, would those of us who live there notice any difference?

Harry Redknapp at Portsmouth in 2007: "They are stuck with me now. This will be my last job in football."

If this was 1615, Jacob Rees-Mogg is the sort who would be burning feminists at the stake, genuinely believing them to be witches.

Once three-parent babies are established, expect ‘The Daily Mail’ to reveal that Ed Miliband's parents are Rose West, Ian Huntley and Vlad the Impaler.

Favourite 'tweets' - Page 7 B85XcqbCYAAnCS7

Favourite 'tweets' - Page 7 B85XcqbCYAAnCS7

https://pbs.twimg.com/media/B85XcqbCYAAnCS7.jpg

by stuart torr Tue Feb 03, 2015 4:53 pm

Sorry Horsham you would not notice any difference. Sad

by **Ivan** Thu Feb 05, 2015 11:22 pm

Hard-earned money? Cameron's family received the equivalent of £3 million for 202 enslaved Africans they owned in Jamaica.

85% of the press in the UK is owned by five billionaires telling us to vote Tory/UKIP. What shared interests do we have with them?

“Tory MP Dominic Raab is 45 minutes late for a debate and allowed to speak. My constituent is 4 minutes late to the Jobcentre and is sanctioned.” (Lisa Nandy)

Boris Johnson thinks that the boss of Boots has a duty to avoid taxes in order "to make shareholders happy".

Demanding that someone pays their taxes is now known as being anti-business.

Cameron: "We are not and never will be a country that walks on by while human rights are trampled into the dust.” Unless it happens in Saudi Arabia.

Shooting at the University of South Carolina? No doubt the National Rifle Association will say that's because not enough people carry guns.

The unions that bankroll Labour represent millions of ordinary people. The tycoons who bankroll the Tories represent the tycoons.

“Before you start pointing fingers, make sure your hands are clean.” (Bob Marley)

In 2010 Cameron said he wouldn't "balance the books on the backs of the poorest". He hasn't balanced the books, and how are the poorest faring?

Why has Boots been afforded an uncritical platform to influence UK elections, while Oxfam was gagged from saying that poverty is political?

Evangelical Tory MP in No lobby: “I'm voting for Jesus”.
MP in Aye lobby: "But didn't he have three parents?”

In many ways a benefit sanction is worse than any punishment in the criminal justice system. Those in prison get fed.

“Five years ago Cameron talked about ‘Broken Britain’. Now his government has created it.” (Lisa Nandy)

The Tories spend thousands of pounds trying to get 'liked' on Facebook. On the other hand, it costs nothing to dislike them on Twitter.

by **Ivan** Fri Feb 13, 2015 11:25 pm

Tory dogma decrees that if you reduce taxes for the rich, they are more likely to pay their share. Hasn't worked with corporation tax and HSBC, has it?

“The super-rich are an oppressed minority, like homeless people.” (Boris Johnson)

Michael Owen has only two faults as a commentator, what he says and how he says it.

Cameron’s probably writing a book entitled: ‘How to asset-strip a country in five years with no mandate’.

Should we all be threatening to sue Lord Fink for defamation after his remark that “everyone avoids tax”? We could always backtrack tomorrow.

“The world will not be destroyed by those who do evil, but by those who watch them without doing anything.” (Albert Einstein)

Cameron is right, we need a pay rise. Some folk can't even afford £210k for a Thatcher statue and have to make do with a £5k run with Nicky Morgan.

The HSBC scandal has given new meaning to the Tory slogan “vote blue, get Green”.

by boatlady Sat Feb 14, 2015 8:48 am

Should we all be threatening to sue Lord Fink for defamation after his remark that “everyone avoids tax”? We could always backtrack tomorrow.
lol!

by stuart torr Sat Feb 14, 2015 12:51 pm

Wish I had enough money to need to avoid tax. Laughing

by oftenwrong Sat Feb 14, 2015 3:21 pm

stuart torr wrote:Wish I had enough money to need to avoid tax.

There is a problem in that sentiment for the genuinely rich, Stu. They can never decide precisely what level of greed constitutes "enough".

by stuart torr Sat Feb 14, 2015 4:09 pm

Precisely OW, they would have to live to be 2,000 years old to spend what they have now wouldn't they. Laughing

by **Ivan** Sun Feb 22, 2015 11:18 pm

UKIP supporters please take note: "For every complex problem there is an answer that is clear, simple and wrong." (H.L.Mencken)

Michael Heseltine probably finds television too modern. My guess is he prefers listening to the home service on his steam radio.

Bell and Moeen have achieved the highest opening partnership for England since the 9-year-old W.G.Grace put on 76 with Prince Philip against Peru in 1857.

If anyone from ATOS had seen Danny Alexander on ‘The Andrew Marr Show’, even they would have had to pass him as unfit to work.

Pickpockets get put in prison, tax dodgers get put in the House of Lords.

Latest sleaze result is a score draw: Tories 1 (Rifkind o.g.), Labour 1 (Straw o.g.). The Tories can't be expected to win every time.

George Osborne, the man in charge of our economy, has said that cracking down on tax dodgers isn’t his job.

If James May ever left ‘Top Gear’, the mean IQ of its presenters would plummet. Why does he do a show with such charmless dimwits?

“Double-jobbing MPs won’t get a look in when I’m in charge.” (David Cameron, 21 May 2009)

Q: How can someone be racist if they have friends who are black?
A: The same way serial killers can have friends who are alive.

Danny Alexander's 'direction' will be to the nearest Job Centre when Scottish voters hand him his P45 in May.

“Never mind Lucy Beale, who the hell killed English cricket?” (David Schneider)

by oftenwrong Sun Feb 22, 2015 11:51 pm

Nightcap tweet:

Favourite 'tweets' - Page 7 B-b9dzFIEAAtdUk

by boatlady Mon Feb 23, 2015 8:07 am

Never expected the Sport to show wit

by **Ivan** Wed Feb 25, 2015 11:20 pm

Nick Robinson is pitiful. His analysis of Malcolm Rifkind could've been written by Grant Shapps if it hadn’t contained so many long words.

At least Bruce Forsyth is consistent. He is anti inheritance tax now, just as he opposed the introduction of income tax in 1799.

MPs shouldn't have second jobs. Imagine the economic carnage Osborne would create if he had to be on the early morning towel folding shift.

Any news on Rifkind overnight? Hope he was warm and safe in the shop doorway where he was forced to sleep. Life is impossible on £67k a year.

No doubt many right-wingers who believe in 'small government' also support capital punishment, which is the absolute power of the state.

Just watched Arsenal lose to Monaco. The only team less effective and more embarrassing in Europe is the gang of UKIP MEPs.

Tory MP David Tredinnick believes there should be astrology on the NHS. That sounds like a convincing argument for lowering MPs’ wages.

So the Black Death was not caused by rats? Next they'll be telling us that the 2008 global financial crash wasn't Ed Balls’ fault.

"This is a full-time job. If you have a second job, you have a second master." (Pete Wishart MP)

Surprisingly mild weather in North East England. Almost, but not quite, as warm as the welcome for a tax dodger at a Tory fundraiser.

Rumour has it that Nigel Farage withdrew from presenting the Brit Awards when he was told the best newcomer wasn't Susan Maughan.

by **Ivan** Wed Mar 04, 2015 11:40 pm

Cameron defends PMQs, saying that MPs have the right to ask questions. However, he doesn't say they have the right to expect any answers.

Grant Shapps will probably support MPs having more than one job, just as long as they use a different name for each.

Cameron claims rise in immigration is result of Tory economic success! So why did it rise when Labour was supposedly "wrecking the economy"?

Assistant head of year 8 or year 9 possibly, but Nicky Morgan has been promoted way above her ability.

Puzzling how a bloke who loves a photo op in a hi viz jacket wants to make himself invisible when someone suggests a TV debate.

Grant Shapps - even his name sounds like a villain from an episode of ‘Bergerac’.

‘Daily Mail’ claims that Ed Miliband makes himself look taller. Next it will be telling us how he once took 11 items to the '10 items or less' till.

A cut in beer prices in April? Why not go the whole hog, Dave, and have tax breaks for whippets, tripe and flat caps?

Osborne is selling Eurostar for £750 million. Wonder if his best man or another of his cronies is making a killing out of this privatisation?

Cameron, I’m not sure the captain of the Titanic could be excused for sinking the ship by listing all the icebergs he missed.

It takes skill but UKIP has it – it’s a single issue party whose leaders can't even agree on the single issue.

I'm not saying Grant Shapps looks untrustworthy, but if he told me the time I'd check to see if I still had my watch.

Cameron wants five years in jail for social workers who don't report child abuse. How many years for covering up Westminster paedophiles, Dave?

by boatlady Thu Mar 05, 2015 8:36 am

This business of jailing social workers for getting it wrong - all it will do is scare people off the profession (and it's already hard to find decent people who want to do it) - which will make child protection services even less effective.

I really think this government must have a screw loose, they make such stupid decisions. They seem to reason like a two year old - if I'm not getting my way I'll scream and drum my heels until reality changes

by oftenwrong Thu Mar 05, 2015 7:16 pm

Probably not the daftest idea that will emerge from Tory Party HQ between now and the Election. One twerp has already suggested "right-to-buy" for tenants in Housing Association properties.

by boatlady Thu Mar 05, 2015 7:18 pm

They really don't get any of it, do they?
Makes you wonder if they do live in an alternate reality

by oftenwrong Thu Mar 05, 2015 7:23 pm

Hot off twitter:

Adam Boulton ‏@adamboultonSKY · 1m1 minute ago
Broadcaster should empty chair @DavidCameron with a magnum of champagne (not tub of lard) if he ducks #tvdebates suggests @Alex Salmond

by **Ivan** Fri Mar 06, 2015 11:40 pm

Cameron's cowardice shows how absurd and desperate the media attempts to smear Ed Miliband have been - clearly he is a man to be feared!

The Tories have been just like bailiffs, coming in and selling off everything we own at knock-down prices.

Can you imagine an incumbent US President refusing to debate head-to-head with the only opponent in a position to replace him?

“The diplomacy and charm Cameron's shown about debates prove he's just the man to get a better deal from the EU. What could possibly go wrong?” (David Schneider)

Jacob Rees-Mogg is the epitome and embodiment of politicians being distanced from the electorate, or even the human race.

Say what you like about Cameron, but you can never accuse him of decency, humility, honesty or integrity.

Clegg wants to defend the government in debates instead of Cameron. No thanks, if we can't have the organ grinder we'll pass on the monkey.

What a joke Cameron is. He thinks he's big enough to square up to Putin, but he’s scared of sitting on a chair next to Ed Miliband!

In 2005, Ian King (now of Sky News) warned us that Cameron is "a poisonous, slippery individual". He certainly got that right.

"Whenever they try to run the 'weak' Ed line, Labour has a caustic comeback – if Ed’s so weak, why is Cameron so afraid?" (Polly Toynbee)

Has anyone got a starting handle for a 1925 Riley? Jacob Rees-Mogg thinks a dodgy dynamo is stopping him from getting home.

Do we want a man who is too scared to debate with Ed Miliband to have his finger on the launch button for Trident?

“Toby Young looks like the teacher you come to class early for, so that you can see if he sits on what you left on his chair.” (Bonnie Greer)

Tories consider limiting child benefit to three children. The three children have yet to be named, but are believed to live in Oxfordshire.

If Cameron doesn’t turn up for the debates, maybe they should just put a bowl of Eton Mess in his place.

The SNP should insist that any coalition with Labour after the election is called ‘Better Together’.

“Cameron is now insisting this year's F.A.Cup Final should be played between seven teams.” (David Schneider)

Jacob Rees Mogg says he would be quite happy for the TV debates to happen between ‘Life With The Lyons’ and ‘The Black and White Minstrel Show’.

Can just imagine how EU leaders like Merkel must be laughing at the gutless Cameron, the aspiring 'statesman' who is scared of a TV debate.

Can we get the number of times immigration is discussed on ‘Any Questions’ down to the tens of thousands?

by boatlady Sat Mar 07, 2015 11:04 am

Some really good ones this time - this leaders' debate issue is certainly getting people's jokes out

by **Ivan** Tue Mar 10, 2015 3:44 pm

Tories accusing anyone of lying and scaremongering is comparable to the late Oliver Reed suggesting that someone has had too much to drink.

It seems that Manchester United aren't quite so invincible at Old Trafford when a neutral referee is in charge of the game.

At least referee Michael Oliver stayed on his feet when he felt contact just outside the penalty area.

Michael Fallon has enough charisma to turn a wedding breakfast into a wake.

Before UKIP's conference at Margate's Winter Gardens, party hacks tore down posters advertising the 'Circus of Horrors'. Too near the truth?

Tories - the party of individual responsibility, whose leader is desperate to avoid responsibility for his government's record.

Why does Eoin Morgan play cricket for England? Isn’t he good enough to get into the Ireland team?

When a client is as dodgy as Cameron, his barrister will advise him to stay out of the witness box in case the jury takes against him.

by **Ivan** Fri Mar 13, 2015 7:26 pm

Jeremy Clarkson doesn't like women, foreigners, disabled people or gay people. He'd make an ideal Tory cabinet member.

“When ignorant folks want to advertise their ignorance, you don’t have to do anything, you just let them talk.” (Barack Obama)

Another reason not to vote Labour - Ed has a ‘humourless’ kitchen. ‘The Daily Mail’ must be running out of barrels to scrape.

"The trouble with having an open mind is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it." (Terry Pratchett)

I've been hitting the bottle pretty hard recently. Still can't get the last of that ketchup out though.

The trouble with Toryism is that sooner or later you run out of public assets to sell to your chums and donors.

"For those who believe, no proof is necessary. For those who don't believe, no proof is possible." (Stuart Chase)

Here's an idea for Sarah Vine. If you don't want your Twitter feed to be full of personal abuse, don't write articles full of personal abuse.

"The fact that Ed Miliband has two kitchens is a distraction: what matters is not privilege, but what you choose to do with it." (Frances Ryan)

Such irony - Cameron suggesting at PMQs that Ed Miliband might crawl into Downing Street with the help of another party.

by boatlady Sat Mar 14, 2015 9:21 am

Such irony - Cameron suggesting at PMQs that Ed Miliband might crawl into Downing Street with the help of another party.
Because that would be just wrong, wouldn't it?
It would mean he had no mandate to pass any legislation - the country would go to wrack and ruin --- totally unlike the last 5 years

by **Ivan** Sun Mar 15, 2015 10:54 pm

Last September, Tories were desperate Scotland should remain in UK. Now they're against a democratic Scottish party supporting a UK government.

It's not fair to say that UKIP is a party of racists. It's also got plenty of misogynists and homophobes as well.

Tory PM Heath introduced VAT in 1973. Every Tory PM since has raised the rate and extended its scope, never telling voters their intentions.

Have the Lib Dems claimed credit for penicillin and the 2005 Test series win against Australia yet? They've claimed credit for everything else.

Cameron rewards the wrong people. He speaks for the wrong people. He listens to the wrong people. He punishes the wrong people.

Not seen the video of Rooney being knocked out in his kitchen yet but, having watched Man Utd play recently, the chances are that he dived.

Osborne's brother is a psychiatrist. Was that because of George? To quote ‘Fawlty Towers’: "There's enough material there for an entire conference".

Enjoy the moment, guys. This time next year the Merseyside branch of the Boris Johnson Fan Club will have more members than the Lib Dems.

When the Tory election manifesto is eventually released, will it automatically be entered for the Man Booker Prize for Fiction?

“Two kitchens - out of touch, two moats - acceptable.” (David Schneider)

by **Ivan** Wed Mar 18, 2015 10:41 am

Having Grant Shapps in the government is the latest example of the appalling judgement of the clown who has his finger on our nuclear button.

It's Budget Eve. I hope you're not on the naughty* list or Santa George won't leave you a present.
(*naughty = poor/vulnerable/young/disabled)

“Leave Grant Shapps alone. Selling a get-rich-quick scheme to people who can afford it and being a Tory MP are basically the same job.” (David Schneider)

Cameron would attend all three TV debates if he was given time for personal insults, abuse, feeble jokes and asinine comments about Ed Balls.

If, say, Harriet Harman sued a member of the public for telling the truth, I suspect ‘The Sun’ and ‘The Mail’ would be incandescent.

When you see Cameron, remember his array of friends - Coulson, Mitchell, Lord Green, Brooks, Clarkson and Shapps.

“The test of our progress is not whether we add more to the abundance of those who have much, it is whether we provide enough for those who have little.” (Franklin Roosevelt)

Never mind sacking Tory goon Grant Shapps for repeated lying. Sack him for coining the phrase "over-firmly denied", which would be a crime in any language.

Q: Where is the capital of Zimbabwe?
A: In a Swiss bank account.

Grant Shapps would have made a good Private Walker in ‘Dad's Army’, except that he lacks Walker's charm.

If you're invited to three parties and only fancy going to the first, you don't tell the hosts to cancel the other two.

Grant Shapps is a politician who only exists so that Armando Iannucci doesn't have to create him.

One recent Budget tradition I'll miss is Danny Alexander touring the TV studios pretending to understand what he's talking about.

Describing criticism of Grant Shapps as “anti-business” is on a par with saying that condemning Peter Sutcliffe is an attack on lorry drivers.

by **Ivan** Thu Mar 19, 2015 3:29 pm

Hoping that Danny Alexander's yellow briefcase contained a resignation letter, an apology and a vow to withdraw from public life.

Danny Alexander has gone from deluded understudy to self-important clown with his own circus briefcase. It's really very sad.

Danny Alexander presents the Lib Dem budget. Bit like the captain of the Titanic planning what to do during his break in New York.

Danny Alexander spouting utter nonsense on the ‘Today’ programme. Apart from the hesitations, repetitions and deviations, this could be ‘Just a Minute’.

Watching Danny Alexander on TV is like watching ‘The Apprentice’ in reverse. At the moment he’s in a highly paid government job, in May he won’t be.

Looking forward to Saturday morning when Danny Alexander will be presenting his alternative eclipse by holding up a plastic yellow ball.

In 2010, Danny Alexander and the Lib Dems didn't expect to be held to account for all their promises. In 2015, they know they won't be.

Danny Alexander looks like the kid who wants to go to work with daddy, dresses up like him and makes his lunch box into a briefcase.

Sophy Ridge conveying a message to Danny Alexander about the Lib Dems' chances in May:-

Favourite 'tweets' - Page 7 CAd2hO0XEAA425e

Favourite 'tweets' - Page 7 CAd2hO0XEAA425e

https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CAd2hO0XEAA425e.jpg

by **Ivan** Sat Mar 21, 2015 5:31 pm

Remember not to look at the sun, everyone. That advice applies to whenever there’s an eclipse and every day to the newspaper.

“Letting Osborne deliver the Budget is like giving matches to an arsonist; everything my generation built is going up in flames.” (Harry Leslie Smith)

"Much of the UK will be plunged into darkness, with darkest conditions in Scotland and the north." Is this about the eclipse or following a Tory election win?

Rumour has it that football referee Neil Swarbrick is to feature in a new Specsavers advert on the perils of not having regular sight tests.

“If ever there was a small, potentially socialistic state that could do with being detached from its deluded imperialist neighbour, it’s Scotland.” (Will Self)

‘The Daily Mail’ mistakes the partial eclipse as “further evidence of the Islamification of Britain”.

Grant Shapps to host a new TV panel game called 'Have I Got Lies For You'.

UKIP candidate resigns over a culture of bullying and racism. Presumably he could no longer stand working on ‘Top Gear’.

"By denying Tories power, Labour would save Britain from irreparable harm. There are only two choices: the rest is escapism." (Polly Toynbee)

Will the eclipse of Janice Atkinson by 'The Sun' be partial or total?

by **Ivan** Mon Mar 23, 2015 12:06 am

Why did Grant Shapps give up his job of making people into millionaires to chair the Tories, who take millions into poverty?

The Tories have clearly decided to counter the UKIP threat by coming up with even dodgier candidates.

It's electoral suicide in politics to be seen to be working with extremist, right-wing, racist thugs. What was the EDL thinking?

It took over 500 years to find Richard III's remains; how long will it take to track down David Cameron's backbone?

Dear Tories, if you're going to fight a dirty campaign, don't be shocked when you find yourselves covered in filth.

In his spare time, Steven Gerrard enjoys walking into revolving doors and back out again.

Afzal Amin has been suspended by Grant Shapps. It’s so good that the Tories have someone beyond reproach to sort out the dodgy politicians in their party.

Just to remind you: Richard III was not actually getting buried today, as the DWP first needs to assess whether he's fit for work.

Danny Alexander is planning another procession tomorrow, with Richard III reburied in a yellow coffin.

Favourite 'tweets' - Page 7 CAujPQpWQAAcQ9M

Favourite 'tweets' - Page 7 CAujPQpWQAAcQ9M

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by **Ivan** Thu Mar 26, 2015 12:37 am

Shakespeare probably maligned Richard III to please the Tudors; everything was "all the Plantagenets' fault". Does that ring any bells?

Knuckle-draggers are ranting at Oisin Tymon because he had the temerity to be verbally abused, threatened and punched at work.

Journalists show more interest in finding out whether Richard III killed children over 500 years ago than whether living establishment figures did.

“Pretty funny seeing columnists so desperate to somehow criticise the BBC they're arguing that punching junior members of staff is okay.” (Dara Ó Briain)

Gove says Cameron likes to give straight and honest answer to questions. Nobody who's watched PMQs for the last five years believes that for a second.

I wonder if, before going to his death at the Battle of Bosworth, Richard III left a joke note saying "sorry, but there are no heirs left"?

Hope BBC find a replacement for Clarkson. There's a shedload of halfwits wondering if a Lada dropped from a helicopter can crush a submarine.

“Richard III wasn't all bad. Yes, he unleashed civil war, but at least he drew the line at asking the EDL to pretend they were doing a march.” (David Schneider)

by boatlady Thu Mar 26, 2015 10:26 am

Hope BBC find a replacement for Clarkson. There's a shedload of halfwits wondering if a Lada dropped from a helicopter can crush a submarine.

And no doubt there's a queue of halfwits eager to perform the experiment for them.

by boatlady Thu Mar 26, 2015 7:41 pm

This government is like carbon monoxide poisoning. Most people won't even realise what's being done to them until it's too late.

by **Ivan** Sun Mar 29, 2015 9:58 am

Great reason to vote Labour - Katie Hopkins will leave the UK if Ed Miliband becomes PM.

1997-2010 saw a reduction of 193,000 in the number claiming housing benefit in the UK. 2010-20015 has seen an increase of 500,000.

“I would like to announce that, assuming I'm chosen to be the next Pope, I too will resign after just two terms.” (Mark Steel)

We can all get conned. Can understand voters falling for Cameron's lies and false promises in 2010, but only a fool will believe him again.

I'm slightly worried that once Tony Blair is no longer a Middle East peace envoy, parts of the Middle East may start fighting.

BOGOF – vote Labour and we can get rid of both Cameron and Katie Hopkins.

"If you’re too rich they accuse you of hypocrisy, if you're too young they call you naive, if you’re too old they call you a dinosaur." (Owen Jones)

It might help England if we swapped opponents, so we play cricket against Germany and Brazil and football against India and Sri Lanka.

Sarah Vine is a class act - the least ethical in a room with Portillo, and the most repulsive in a marriage with Gove. Make her a dame.

Crystal Palace is eleventh in the Premier League! That defies the laws of mathematics; it's like discovering a triangle with five sides.

The Tories say they can cut £12bn from the benefits system but that the leaked cuts are just ideas. So how do they know they can cut £12bn?

Remember to put your clocks forward one hour tonight. Unless you're a UKIP supporter, in which case you put them back 60 years.

If Katie Hopkins leaves the UK it will be bad news for the country - but we don't know which country, since she hasn't said where she will go.

by **Ivan** Tue Mar 31, 2015 12:35 am

Evan Davis to Grant Shapps: "Do you market the Conservative Party with the same integrity as your internet products?"

Could you ever find two better examples of oxymorons than 'one-nation Tory' and 'compassionate Conservatism'?

"Is it okay, Grant Shapps, to promote businesses with glowing online testimonials from people who clearly don't exist?" (Michael Crick)

If you want to know how Cameron will behave if he wins on 7 May, just think back to his arrogant response on the morning after the Indy poll.

Is Grant Shapps really the best the Tories can put up for ‘Newsnight’? An intellectual midget with the charisma of a halitosis-ridden spiv.

"Charles' letters to MPs will show how he 'interferes'. He was born to wear a big gold hat and watch us bow before him, so what did you expect?” (Rufus Hound)

Why hasn’t Grant Shapps been sacked? Does Cameron approve of bullying constituents with lawyers when they’re telling the truth?

UKIP's pledge card should instead be a P45 for each of three million people whose jobs benefit from our membership of the EU.

Grant Shapps just illustrates everything that is wrong with the Tory Party - moronic, amoral, venal and sweaty.

“What a complicated election this is, though on balance it seems sensible to vote Conservative if you're a rich heartless pile of rat shit.” (Mark Steel)

More surprising to me than the coalition lasting five years is how Grant Shapps has managed to remain Tory chairman for half that time.

Q: What’s the difference between Kay Burley and David Cameron?
A: One's an employee of Rupert Murdoch, the other is a Sky News presenter.

by boatlady Tue Mar 31, 2015 8:23 am

A few giggles there

by **Ivan** Thu Apr 02, 2015 5:20 pm

“What on earth possessed a group of Tory peers and FTSE 100 directors whose earnings increased by 21% last year to come out for the Tories?” (David Schneider)

People who say "you couldn't make it up!" have obviously never met Grant Shapps.

For the moron who mentioned "the Alexander brothers" on the ‘Today’ programme - firstly, they aren't brothers; secondly, Douglas has some brain cells.

Confronting the Tory lies - the average tax burden between 1979 and 1997 was 40.2% of GDP; between 1997 and 2010 it was 37.7%.

Can we assume that, in the interests of balance, the BBC will be starting the news with what 103 foodbank users think of the Tories?

Adam Boulton of ‘Sky News’ has never heard of fellow Murdoch employee Katie Hopkins. I wish we could all say that!

How apt – ‘indict as inhuman’ is an anagram of ‘Iain Duncan Smith’.

"I'm related to Kim Kardashian", claims David Cameron.
"I want nothing to do with that massive arse", replies Kim Kardashian.

'Flexible labour market' is a nauseous Tory euphemism for worker exploitation and job insecurity.

I'd sooner buy a used car from Arthur Daley than from Grant Shapps.

“Jesus fed the hungry, cared for the broken and threw the bankers out. You're not a follower of Christ, Gove, you're the f*****g opposite.” (Rufus Hound)

I'd like to see the Tories try to get 100 nurses to sign a letter supporting them.

Jeremy Clarkson is about to be fired – hopefully from a cannon into a caravan.

Cameron: "Voters face a stark choice: it's me or Miliband for PM"
"So you'll debate head-to-head with him then?"
"Of course not!"

The Tories are promising two million new jobs, some of which may even pay enough to live on.

If Nick Clegg and Esther McVey lose their seats at around the same time, I fear the internet could burst.

If 100 rich Tories wrote to ‘The Telegraph’ urging common ownership of the means of production, distribution and exchange, that would be news!

The only programme Grant Shapps should be on is an exposé on ‘Watchdog’. I bet even dodgy roofers are appalled by him.

“Nigel Farage has a German wife – surely the ultimate proof that the British just get immigrants to do the jobs no one here can face doing.” (Frankie Boyle)

by **Ivan** Sun Apr 05, 2015 10:42 pm

Eric Pickles denies he spent £10,000 of our money on biscuits last year. The true figure was only £9,961; IDS had the other £39 for a breakfast.

“I will never spread fear about immigration” says the man who was deputy PM in a government that sent out 'go home' vans.

I’m sure there was a major in the debate audience coughing answers to Cameron.

The Tories announce that the minimum wage is to rise by 20p an hour. Meanwhile, the length of an hour is to be increased by 30 minutes.

"If you take immigrant workers out of hospitals in London, half of London would be dead in six months." (Dennis Skinner)

Tories have found instant solutions to problems like child poverty and the number of people who are unemployed. They change the definitions.

Not sure whether the debate participants were being paid, but Nick Clegg was particularly hard to pin down on fees.

What about the ‘hardworking people’ who earn below the tax threshold? Will they be let off paying the extra VAT?

The debate was planned to go on for three hours, but Cameron said that he would stand down after two.

Cameron: "The plan is working."*
(*does not apply to the poor, disabled, young, vulnerable, ill, Scots or those in the north.)

The Tories claim child poverty has fallen by 300,000. The NUT, the NAS/UWT, the CPAG and Barnardo's disagree. Who should we believe?

Cameron on why Christianity is important: "For Jesus allowed the 5,000 to go to food banks and said that the rich shall inherit the earth".

People the Tories won't rule out tax cuts for: millionaires.
People the Tories won't rule out taxing more: the disabled.

Cameron and Farage confirm their belief that the official mascot of the UK is now the scapegoat.

If only Nick Clegg had been in government for the past five years, he could really have made a difference.

Presumably UKIP would have refused treatment to Malala Yousafzai and turned her away?

I’m not sure this slogan is quite as good as the 2010 one: "I partly agree with Nicola".

Millionaires are backing the Tories and have declared their full support, just as long as they’re not forced to declare their full income.

Farage's main policy for the young is to stop them wearing fancy dress and chasing people out of pubs.

Iranian negotiators are confident they’ve convinced the EU and US of the safety of their nuclear programme: “Everyone left the talks with a warm glow”.

A Lib Dem activist has taken part in films about kinky sex. Imagine the shame of her family when they find out she's a Lib Dem activist.

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