Favourite 'tweets'

by **Ivan** Thu Jan 26, 2012 5:23 pm

First topic message reminder :

For those of us who use 'Twitter', I thought it might be worth having a thread to share some of the interesting tweets we come across. Here are three that I've read today:-

Nick Clegg says "families are at boiling point". Well you put the gas under them, Clegg!

When a man talks dirty to a woman its sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man its $3.95 a minute.

No income tax, no VAT
No points last week off Man City
The future’s grim, he's looking pale
Harry Redknapp’s off to jail.

by **Ivan** Sun May 15, 2016 4:30 pm

Jacob Rees-Mogg thinks the government should reinforce the independence of the Bank of England by firing its governor, Mark Carney.

BBC sends £3 million a year to the European Broadcasting Union towards the cost of Eurovision. That would be £7 million to a Brexit liar.

Sadiq Khan calls on Jeremy Corbyn to start winning elections. I wonder if Jeremy Corbyn has ever lost an election?

After winning a £50 voucher, Mrs Windsor is spotted going into a Tesco Metro in Luton and heading straight for the swan aisle.

"I wouldn't expect an expert on economics to back Brexit." (Iain Duncan Smith)

A pig’s head has been found outside German chancellor Angela Merkel’s office. Will Cameron send his new 'Air Farce 1' to collect it for him?

Eurovision took longer than usual this year. Rumour has it that the producer of the event was Sir John Chilcot.

A woman in the USA has died aged 116, leaving Jacob Rees-Mogg as the last surviving link to Victorian times.

There will be no football played at Old Trafford today. Much the same as all season really.

"I don't respond to personal abuse. If I did, I wouldn't get anything done." (Jeremy Corbyn)

by **Ivan** Wed May 18, 2016 8:02 pm

Boris Johnson says the EU is like "a badly-designed undergarment". As a man whose pants are often on fire, he probably knows about such matters.

A shocking report into prison safety has been released. “It’s just too violent to do our jobs properly”, say some drug dealers.

The Tories insist that all money saved from the closure of the BBC recipe archive will be ploughed back into buying a new pencil.

UK sovereignty - Article 50 of Lisbon Treaty says "any state may withdraw from the EU in accordance with its own constitutional requirements".

Bath Police have said that the severed foot which was found recently was "a teaching aid". The DWP has said that it "must be available for light work".

"Sticking to facts is proving a real banana skin for Boris on his blunder bus tour. Now he's making it up as he goes along." (Chris Bryant)

Does Neil Hamilton's wife Christine clean behind the fridge? I think we should be told.

The government denies that plans to significantly improve prison conditions are in preparation for police investigations into Tory electoral fraud.

If you thought the Ukraine’s Eurovision song finished a little early, it’s because Russia annexed 30 seconds of it.

"The Conservatives will scrap tuition fees altogether when we are next in government." (George Osborne, 30/05/2003)

by **Ivan** Sat May 21, 2016 3:32 pm

Of course, yes, I totally trust UKIP and the Tory right to spend EU "savings" on the NHS and fluffy bunny rabbits.

“Andy Burnham’s known hardship in the north, but that’s got more to do with him being an Everton fan.” (Terry Christian)

Many Brexit supporters are also climate change sceptics, since they’re baffled by the present, fear the future and seek solace in a vision of the past that never existed.

Listening to Cameron talking about social justice is like asking my mum to explain the LBW rule in cricket. Pointless, since neither understands.

"Every time Boris Johnson and IDS say something about Europe, they make it clearer which way to vote in the referendum." (Mark Steel)

Jeremy Hunt's next excuse will be that the junior doctors’ strike was all Labour's fault for creating the NHS in the first place.

It's a bit rich of UKIP politicians to smear talented actors, writers and directors for having a cushy, EU-subsidised life.

I think before the end of the year, it will turn out that the South Yorkshire Police sank the Titanic and started the story of blaming an iceberg.

In the final week, the Leave campaign will unleash its top international trio of Brexiteers - Putin, Le Pen and Trump.

“We need to lead Europe, not leave it - just ask Leicester City.” (Gordon Brown)

by **Ivan** Mon May 23, 2016 12:12 am

If Turkey being allowed into the EU is such a worry, why leave? We can hardly veto its membership if we've voted for Brexit.

Despite recent controversy, Muirfield golf course remains one of most scenic in the country, with views dating back to Victorian times.

Remain is supported by IMF, OECD, CBI president, TUC gen sec, BoE governor, POTUS and PM of Japan. Leave is supported by Norman Lamont.

It’s strange how some people prefer one Tory over another. That must be rather like choosing between leprosy and syphilis.

I must have done something really bad in a previous life to have to listen to Glenn Hoddle for 90 minutes.

We don't want any bloody Turks coming over here and breeding. Their descendents could one day become London mayor.

Remain has the support of 5 former heads of NATO, retired intelligence chiefs and defence chiefs from past US governments. Leave has Liam Fox.

Everyone has a right to their own opinions, but not to their own facts.

by boatlady Mon May 23, 2016 8:15 am

Personally, I wish the referendum was over - it seems like just another distraction to stop us all noticing the Tories destroying our country

by oftenwrong Mon May 23, 2016 11:04 am

You could probably say something similar about everything Cameron has done since 2010.
"Distraction politics" is pretty much all you're left with when your only discernible policy is the retention of power.

by boatlady Mon May 23, 2016 4:52 pm

True - and very depressing

by **Ivan** Tue May 24, 2016 12:54 pm

Boris Johnson is like a plastic bag flapping around on windy days. Has no substance, and you wonder how it ever got to the top of the tree.

Thomas Becket's elbow is to be placed in Canterbury Cathedral, where there are other relics. Justin Welby has objected to being described in that way.

Cameron has visited Asda and B&Q. He must feel like David Attenborough or Michael Palin discovering new worlds.

Remain is supported by Stephen Hawking, Nobel Prize winner Paul Nurse and ‘Scientists For Britain’. Leave is supported by David Icke.

If sheep could vote, they’d pick the guy who feeds them, even if it’s the same person who will slaughter them later.

12 million Turks say they'll come to the UK because of ‘Sunday Express’ offer of free freesia seeds and a cheap expanding hose.

Favourite 'tweets' - Page 13 Turks_10

https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CjIcqBYWkAAbJ_T.jpg

by **Ivan** Sat May 28, 2016 10:54 am

Nigel Farage's Brexit bus got lost on the way to Dagenham. That was due to the UK being a country he no longer recognises.

Cameron looked nervous in B&Q. Was it because he was trying to keep Osborne away from the turpentine aisle?

Protesters in North Yorkshire say fracking could cause the worst earthquakes in the county since Geoff Boycott dropped his wallet.

After Dale Winton reveals support for Donald Trump, and Bryan Adams backs Brexit, Roland Rat dismisses man-made climate change as a hoax.

Watching Cameron and Johnson makes you realise that we haven't progressed beyond a world where Etonians expect to tell everyone else what to do.

Afghan Taliban fighters choose their new leader after a vote. Mullahy McMullahface will take charge next week.

In the increasingly unlikely event that Bernie Sanders became POTUS, does anyone seriously believe that Congress would allow him to do anything?

If you live next to an old person, pop your head around the door, see if they have a spare bedroom, and if they do report them to the Tory Party.

Tony Blair: “Corbyn in power would be a dangerous experiment”. That’s like Fred West saying "be careful with strangers".

With the affordable housing shortage forcing first-time buyers to save for longer, new builds will be fitted with walk-in baths and stairlifts.

If any school could be said to be failing, it'd have to be Eton. Look at the dysfunctional creeps it produces. When will it become an academy?

Someone drew a swastika on Trump's star on the Walk of Fame. There's no way to know if it was done by someone who hates him or supports him.

UK ‘democracy’ - Tories received huge donations, had 90% backing of media, told lies, fiddled election expenses and scraped to power on 24%.

Had Tony Blair been around in 1945, would he have warned us that Attlee's plans for a welfare state and NHS were "a dangerous experiment"?

"The question being asked now in Europe as in America is - are we stronger as a nation when we build bridges or build walls?" (Ed Miliband)

by **Ivan** Thu Jun 02, 2016 3:09 pm

The irony is lost on Gisela Stuart, but she's the sort of person that she and her Brexit friends want to keep out of the UK.

Aide to Jeremy Corbyn claims a mole is leaking questions in advance of PMQs, giving Cameron more time to prepare to not answer them.

Farage must have felt uncomfortable while visiting Headingley, watching Adil Rashid bowling Yorkshire to victory.

"No man is an island, no country by itself.... the EU is the largest peace project in human history." (Wolfgang Tillmans)

Regrets, I’ve had a few. But hey, I always get a little regretful when I’ve had a few.

Cameron has now said that growth creates the tax revenues which fund our public services. Shame he never understood that when advocating austerity.

The one and only halfway convincing argument for Brexit is to save the Europeans from us.

100 Tory MPs booing, braying and making animal noises at PMQs is fine, but 7 Labour guys hissing at Laura Kuenssberg is outrageous.

BBC silence over Tory election fraud suggests that its staff are still trying to work out how it can be framed as “all Jeremy Corbyn’s fault”.

The Brexit supporters who now reject Poles, Spaniards and the French want us to believe they’ll open up the floodgates to talented Indians and Africans.

‘Radio 4 Today’ had a long feature on babies getting mixed up in El Salvador. Anything rather than discuss the scandal of Tory election fraud.

Boris Johnson has been talking at a cattle market in Clitheroe, making it up on the hoof as usual.

Laura Kuenssberg is reported to be extremely upset, presumably because of being praised by Kay Burley.

Philip Collins of ‘The Times’ says Labour is “headlong towards oblivion” – while the Tories are in a civil war and mired in election fraud.

Why are cows mooing at Boris Johnson? Is it because of the straw on his head, or are they baffled how a non-bovine could be so full of bullshit?

I'm horrified that Sadiq Khan shared a platform with an extremist like David Cameron.

Brexit is like deciding to leave your spouse to marry another person whom you know nothing about.

by **Ivan** Tue Jun 07, 2016 5:46 pm

Michael Gove and Boris Johnson have the same relationship with public services as King Herod would have had with the NSPCC.

Paris floodwaters are now so high that immigrants are arriving directly from Libya.

Brexit say their figures are from the IFS, hence reliable. IFS say Brexit figures are false. Brexit say IFS is funded by the EU, hence unreliable.

Following Cameron's live TV interview and audience Q&A, early polls indicate the majority of people were watching England v Portugal.

Nick Clegg says Boris Johnson is “like Trump with a thesaurus”. Trump responds by saying that he doesn’t even like dinosaurs.

Cameron can’t understand how years of telling us to blame everything on immigrants has led to people blaming everything on immigrants.

Theresa May is probably best placed to become the next Tory leader. Her near silence over the EU means she has offended fewer party members.

Any oppression I have ever felt in the UK has emanated from the personnel of the Brexit camp, not some vague, foreign bogeyman.

Mike Ashley: "I can do a better job for people at Sports Direct than Unite can". And Bernard Matthews can do a better job of looking after turkeys than the RSPCA.

Johnson, Gove and Duncan Smith are remarkable men. They're such pathological liars that they make Cameron look honest by comparison.

by **Ivan** Thu Jun 09, 2016 9:59 am

EU referendum voter registration system suffers 'technical problem' - it switched itself off out of boredom three weeks ago.

Nigel Farage, the man who failed to do his job as an MEP and ripped off expenses for years, tells us that the EU is ripping us off.

NATO keeps the peace, but the EU helps ensure peace is more than just the absence of war.

Cameron warns that Brexit will be like lighting the fuse of the bomb he placed under the economy by calling a referendum.

If IDS had designed the voter registration website along with his universal credit, only ten people would have managed to register each day.

Donald Trump tells Bernie Sanders’ supporters: “We welcome you with open arms” (and also concealed ones).

John Redwood is like an eccentric Englishman who cleans door knobs with his pocket hanky to avoid foreign germs.

Inequality, not the EU, is the great economic risk. Capitalism eats itself when too many get left too far behind to consume its products.

“I could not have set foot on a battle bus that has at the heart of its campaign a figure that I know to be untrue.” (Dr Sarah Wollaston MP)

As he suffers a shock legal defeat to a former Chelsea doctor, José Mourinho claims that the judges are afraid to give him decisions.

Brexit millionaire seeks judicial review because more time is allowed for voter registration. Thought those clowns wanted "more democracy"?

Not everyone who supports Brexit is a racist. But everyone who is a racist supports Brexit.

by **Ivan** Sun Jun 12, 2016 3:37 pm

Kenneth Williams knew more about cage fighting than Nigel Farage knows about the economy.

Criminals flood in from across the channel. "They have no respect for our laws", said a Marseille policeman ahead of England's first game.

The frustration of the UK occasionally not getting its way inside the EU would be as nothing compared to that of never getting its way outside it.

Maria Sharapova is to contest her ban after explaining that the drug was to fight a medical condition known as “being worse than Serena”.

If the EU really is as awful as the Brexiters say, why do they need to tell so many lies to support their case?

I suppose I could agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong.

Farage reveals how he would cut immigration. Not by controls, but by making the UK unattractive by trashing the economy.

If I was stuck on a desert island with a tin of corned beef and Glenn Hoddle, I’d eat Glenn Hoddle and talk to the corned beef.

Now it’s going to finance scientific research. This £350m a week will be so wisely spent, it'll make the feeding of the 5,000 look positively wasteful.

Interesting to watch Turkey in Euro 2016, as UKIP reckons every player will be eligible to play for England next year.

Farage firmly believes in Schrödinger's immigrant: one who simultaneously steals your job and also lazes around on benefits.

Pease Pottage must leave the UK - if Brexiters are right, 65m UK citizens could move there any time, and there are zero border controls.

“You can talk about police provocation, or other fans causing trouble, but it only seems to happen where the English go.” (Gary Lineker)

by **Ivan** Wed Jun 15, 2016 10:47 pm

Do Brexiters ever think about the implications for Scotland, Ireland and Gibraltar? Far from "making Britain great", it could cease to exist!

The £350m is a lie, and the accompanying promises are bogus. It’s like saying that if you cancel the evening paper you can buy a Bentley with the saving.

Putin says Russia isn’t worried by suspended disqualification from Euro 2016, as it can simply annexe the Ukraine team.

Some Labour people have got it wrong. Socialism is about society, collectivism and internationalism, not xenophobia, nationalism and isolation.

A majority of 60-75 year-olds are for Brexit. They had all the post-war advantages yet complain the loudest.

As MPs probe his role in the BHS collapse, Sir Philip Green says he will not return his knighthood, as he has lost the receipt.

Do Brexit morons really believe we would get as good a deal as we have now with the largest free trade area in the world if we leave it?

“I'll be voting to Remain. I don't want this country for the first time in its history to be defined by its fear and suspicion of others.” (Armando Iannucci)

by oftenwrong Fri Jun 17, 2016 8:00 pm

On the FEET, please, Naomi

Favourite 'tweets' - Page 13 ClKeWfcWAAA0jZC

by boatlady Fri Jun 17, 2016 10:00 pm

by trevorw2539 Tue Jun 21, 2016 9:52 pm

Thoughts of a child when asked what she knew about the referendum 'If we leave will we still have lots more Turkeys coming to this country.' Someone had been paying some attention.

by oftenwrong Wed Jun 22, 2016 12:32 pm

by boatlady Wed Jun 22, 2016 6:26 pm

I had a strong mental image of the car window winding up and cutting off his head - does that mean I'm a bad person?

by trevorw2539 Wed Jun 22, 2016 8:23 pm

boatlady wrote:I had a strong mental image of the car window winding up and cutting off his head - does that mean I'm a bad person?

Of course not. We all have wishful thoughts that come to nothing, unless you're lucky enough to find a genie in a bottle. If you do, can I borrow it? Very Happy

by boatlady Thu Jun 23, 2016 8:17 am

Oh, absolutely - share and share alike

by trevorw2539 Thu Jun 23, 2016 3:33 pm

boatlady wrote:Oh, absolutely - share and share alike

Agh. Not that quote. The last time I heard that was when my ex. walked out. It turns out her idea of share was spelt 'shear'. Rolling Eyes

by boatlady Thu Jun 23, 2016 5:39 pm

by oftenwrong Tue Jun 28, 2016 5:50 pm

They voted to LEAVE? Really?

Favourite 'tweets' - Page 13 CmCgnlhXIAEHZu4

by **Ivan** Fri Jul 01, 2016 10:02 am

Douglas Carswell looks like a man who realises he's sold his soul to the devil but can't find the receipt.

Ken Clarke on standing for the Tory leadership: "It was a bit of a hobby of mine for a while, one bad habit I have given up".

Is it normal for a husband and wife to communicate by email? Me and my wife use semaphore or contemporary dance.

"Brexit was a tool, a plaything, never a principle. If Boris looks so glum in triumph it's because the adrenalin has run out." (Roger Cohen)

The carnage at the Somme is what happens when you have competing nationalistic states that don't want to work together.

Boris Johnson, uncharacteristically, has withdrawn just in time.

“Gove puts his name forward, saying he’s the only candidate genuinely able to unify Dacre and Murdoch.” (David Schneider)

7 days after the EU referendum, I'm still waiting for Graham Chapman to come on and stop it for being too silly.

Gove has thrown Boris under a bus - one that says £350m a week will go to the NHS.

Brexit means democracy, no more being dictated to by the unelected and unaccountable. Unless they own a newspaper.

Johnson and Cameron have just done to the UK what they did to restaurants in Oxford in the 1980s. Trash the place then run away.

I wonder how many of those commemorating the Somme today voted last week to leave the greatest peacetime project which Europe has ever seen?

by boatlady Fri Jul 01, 2016 12:44 pm

It's enough to make you weep

by trevorw2539 Fri Jul 01, 2016 1:10 pm

Wow, boatlady. I almost agree with you. Embarassed

by oftenwrong Sat Jul 02, 2016 11:47 pm

Famous last words (No. 240616)

Favourite 'tweets' - Page 13 Sub-buzz-9331-1467296769-24

by **Ivan** Sun Jul 03, 2016 2:58 pm

After the UK votes to leave the EU, Nigel Farage reveals that the search for a new scapegoat has already begun.

Michael Gove plans to respect everyone in the UK if the dribbly little git becomes PM. Just like when he referred to teachers as "the blob".

“Three days after we asserted ourselves as a mighty nation that doesn’t need anyone else because we are great, we lose to sodding Iceland.” (Mark Steel)

Leave campaigners have likened Brexit to a prison break – now they seem to expect the guards to find them a safe house.

Gove may have betrayed his good friend David Cameron and his good friend Boris, but he would never betray his true friend Rupert.

It's refreshing so many Labour and Tory MPs can unite round a common theme, of overthrowing something with no idea what to do once it's gone.

If you ever need life-saving surgery, just remember Michael Gove's words of wisdom that "the country has had enough of experts".

Paul Gascoigne is to stand trial for allegedly making a racist comment but not driving around London with it displayed on a massive billboard.

Leave voters hail the defeat of the undemocratic EU, whilst looking forward to having no say in the appointment of our next PM.

A medieval bishop had the following prayer: “Lord, things are serious. This time please come yourself, this is no job for a boy”.

I have deep sympathy with people who now regret their vote. How could anyone know their vote for Leave would be counted as a vote for Leave?

So Paddy Ashdown "does not rule out a new party". SDP? How sad. Those who fail to learn from history's mistakes are doomed to repeat them.

As Fox and Eagle state their intentions to stand for party leaderships, the BBC announces a series of live debates to be hosted by Chris Packham.

MPs say new prostitution laws would allow them to get on with their lives without fear of prosecution. And it might help prostitutes too.

Nicky Morgan took soundings from colleagues about whether she should stand as Tory leader. Unfortunately for her those soundings were laughter.

Michael Gove is apparently “not interested in personal gain”. Doesn't that disqualify him from been a Tory?

Returning Glastonbury festival goers quizzed on thoughts about Article 50 reply: "We preferred their first album".

Roy Hodgson will now be able to go back to his preferred role as a roving ambassador for Werther’s Original.

With Nigel Farage dismissing Leave's NHS pledge and Dan Hannan saying immigration won't fall, Britain realises it's voted for bendy bananas.

Instead of the UK resting in the hands of unelected EU bureaucrats, it’s now ruled by accountable people, such as Rupert Murdoch and Gove’s wife.

"Democracy is nothing more than mob rule, where 51% of the people may take away the rights of the other 49%." (Thomas Jefferson)

Funeral procession of Trumpton creator Gordon Murray will begin at midday under the town hall clock and go past the same 3 houses over and over.

Gove has just two obstacles to overcome if he is to become PM. Everything he's ever said and everything he's ever done.

George Osborne has a better record of hitting targets than the Germany-Italy penalty shoot out.

“Gove is a political psychopath.” (Rachel Johnson)

by trevorw2539 Mon Jul 04, 2016 2:01 pm

Or as Shakespeare once wrote Corbyns Labours Lost
A Midsummers nightmare
Two Ungentlemen men of London

Opps now I've put my foot in it.

by oftenwrong Tue Jul 05, 2016 11:31 pm

Why is everybody always picking on me?

Favourite 'tweets' - Page 13 Cmnq5tZWAAAAjAk

by **Ivan** Thu Jul 07, 2016 12:16 am

“33 million vote in plebiscite taking UK out of the EU. A tiny handful then choose a new PM to sort the ensuing mess: democracy UK-style!” (Jon Snow)

Nigel Farage resigns as UKIP leader for the third time, so that he can spend even more time in his chosen role as the pub bore.

‘Tories eliminate Fox’. Less a headline, more a summary of their hobbies.

It took the space probe Juno five years to get to Jupiter, which is roughly the equivalent of 0.2 Chilcots.

A good woman died. There are National Front posters on St Pancras Way and swastikas on Michael Foot's memorial. I don't recognise this place.

"Democracy is nothing more than mob rule, where 51% of the people may take away the rights of the other 49%." (Thomas Jefferson)

If the Brexiters think they got their country back they should think again. They just delivered it to the vultures.

In 2014, the Scots were told that if they wanted to remain in the EU they needed to vote against independence. How has that worked out?

Chilcot has shown that Tony Blair is a man of his word. And that word is ‘deceitful’.

Boris Johnson last week: Andrea Leadsom isn't good enough to be chancellor.
Boris Johnson this week: Andrea Leadsom should be PM.

If you use one word when you could use 100, you're simply not trying hard enough to be Will Self.

Rich screw poor. Rich pretend they're on the side of the poor and give the poor opportunity to vent frustration by voting to be screwed more by the rich.

“We demand more democracy! Leave the EU for democracy’s sake.” And then they allow the PM to be chosen by just 150,000 people.

Next they’ll be trying to tell us that at school, Stephen Hawking used to copy Andrea Leadsom's physics homework.

How will Brexit protect the British from the arbitrary rule and lack of accountability exposed and rightly condemned by the Chilcot Report?

by **Ivan** Fri Jul 08, 2016 9:16 am

In 2005, Blair said he wouldn't serve a full term; Howard campaigned on "vote Blair, get Brown". Nobody warned us of May and Leadsom in 2015.

Introducing the subject of Europe to the Tories is like introducing a bottle of vodka to a 15-year-old’s party. Carnage always follows.

Not surprising that Iain Duncan Smith supports Andrea Leadsom for the Tory leadership. They have much in common when it comes to dodgy CVs.

“Boris Johnson is not the type of man you'd like to drive you home at the end of the evening.” (Amber Rudd)

Like Andrea Leadsom, I was responsible for a huge budget and staff. The tea, coffee and chocolate hobnobs didn't buy themselves.

Say what you like about Michael Gove. I'll leave it there.

The choice of May or Leadsom is like being asked if you'd rather drink a glass of bleach or lower yourself into boiling water.

Southern Rail ends ‘cancellations’ by removing trains from their timetable. Meanwhile, doctors cure food poisoning by stitching lips together.

How many people who decided to stick with Cameron in the 2015 election thought May or Leadsom would be PM for most of the following 5 years?

Going abroad for a holiday soon? Remember to thank Brexit supporters for making it more expensive, as the £ continues to decline in value.

Andrea Leadsom says criticism of her CV is 'ridiculous', and she didn't have to put up with this nonsense when she was an astronaut.

Brexit takes a back seat, as attention turns to Chilcot and another campaign that was based on lies and lacked an exit strategy.

Boris Johnson says Andrea Leadsom has the drive to be Britain’s next PM. It’s over a mile long, and lined with ornamental hedges.

by **Ivan** Sat Jul 09, 2016 10:23 pm

“I don’t think the UK should leave the EU. I think it would be a disaster for our economy.” (Andrea Leadsom in 2013)

Andrea Leadsom had ten years’ experience as a banker and always made sure the Community Chest cards were facing the same way.

“The only way foxhunting would count as vermin control is if the posh twats fell off their horses and broke their necks.” (Ricky Gervais)

Andrea Leadsom has written 60 books in 8 languages. But you won't find them on Amazon, she donated every copy to orphans.

Leadsom: "We need to think of our children's future."
Young people: "We overwhelmingly want to stay in the EU."
Leadsom: "No."

UK troops are being sent to Poland and Estonia, in the hope of finding locals they can marry to obtain EU nationality.

Andrea Leadsom is to post her tax return on the side of a bus.

Leadsom’s right. The following prove being a parent makes you a better leader: Kim Jong Il, Genghis Khan, Himmler, Stalin, Pol Pot, Darth Vader.

Q: How do you find Louise Mensch in a hurry?
A: Find a stick and she's inevitably holding the wrong end.

Is it just me or does Andrea Leadsom look like a baddie from the Harry Potter films?

Andrea Leadsom confirms that 'The Old Woman Who Lives In A Shoe' would make the best PM.

Are Brexit's 'Little Englanders' rooting for Murray at Wimbledon? Will they when Scotland leaves the UK and he's just another 'Johnny Foreigner'?

by **Ivan** Wed Jul 13, 2016 11:13 pm

As May becomes PM and Hammond is lined up to become chancellor, 'Top Gear' fans eagerly await news of who will be foreign secretary.

“Imagine. You slash the welfare state, push the NHS towards bankruptcy, carelessly drag the UK out of Europe and apart, then sod off humming.” (Deborah Orr)

Jeremy Corbyn is so 'unelectable' that Blairites tried to keep him off the leadership ballot paper - because they know he will be elected!

“Phew! Just when Britain was starting to become a laughing stock around the world, Boris Johnson is appointed foreign secretary.” (Ricky Gervais)

Why did Labour’s NEC meeting take such a long time? Was it being chaired by Sir John Chilcot?

“It's unforgivable and utterly irresponsible of Theresa May to reignite and fan the flames of Boris Johnson's unscrupulous political ambition.” (Martin Shovel)

To change the constitution of my local cricket club requires a two-thirds majority, but 51.89% is enough to leave the world's largest free trade area.

"May will introduce a cap for migrants, probably one that gives an electric shock if they stray too close to a golf course." (Frankie Boyle)

Boris Johnson once compared Hillary Clinton to “a sadistic nurse in a mental hospital”. I’m sure she will look forward to working with him.

“I expect Angela Eagle could marginally win a general election, as long as she's allowed to keep the other parties off the ballot paper.” (Mark Steel)

Theresa May originally wanted Les Patterson as foreign secretary until she was told he was Australian.

“I fear the day that technology will surpass our human interaction. The world will have a generation of idiots.” (Albert Einstein)

Two old ladies who told the BBC they voted Leave because they wanted ‘the good old days’ back are now complaining because they haven’t yet got their ration books.

by oftenwrong Thu Jul 14, 2016 9:59 am

Come on, Theresa - Get your Boris out for the boys!

Favourite 'tweets' - Page 13 CnTv4UBWcAAWuSO

by oftenwrong Fri Jul 15, 2016 11:57 pm

There is a petition to have Eton mess officially renamed to 'Brexit'

The Independent ‏@Independent

by **Ivan** Sat Jul 16, 2016 11:29 am

The sacking part of a Tory reshuffle is such fun. If only they didn't replace them!

"We have a country so heavily dependent on money laundering that we've just brought out a waterproof fiver." (Frankie Boyle)

Waiting time between rumours of Jeremy Hunt's sacking and confirmation that he will remain in his job was 'unacceptable' say public.

Thankfully, Boris Johnson is already working on a response to Turkey. He's nearly finished a crass and offensive poem about the military.

Theresa May was brave enough to get rid of one of the Murdoch stooges (Gove), but not the other (Hunt). Can't alienate 'The Sun', can we?

Stephen Crabb lasted nearly as long as an Iain Duncan Smith £39 breakfast.

Michael Gove is to release a statement about his sacking in an email from his wife addressed to a random member of the public.

I'm sorry to say the operation to remove Jeremy Hunt has not been successful. The condition of the NHS remains critical.

“It's easy to forget that there are only two sides in this war: people who want to live in harmony with each other and people who don't.” (James O’Brien)

by **Ivan** Sun Jul 17, 2016 3:27 pm

Cameron wished May "the best of luck", as he gave Larry the Cat a last bowl of prune juice.

"If being an insulting, juvenile, cavalier liar is what you want in your foreign secretary, Boris Johnson is an excellent choice." (‘Observer’ editorial)

Brexit – the single most irresponsible, grossly misconceived act of self-harm in UK history.

Whinging about banana regulations for 43 years is entirely reasonable, but being concerned about the economy tanking makes you a sore loser.

There is no truth in the rumour that Boris Johnson thought Erdogan was actually a song by Donovan.

Larry the Cat is showing loyalty to Theresa May by taking the feline whip.

Nobody knows what Brexit actually means, least of all the exiters without a plan of the possible ways out of the building they just set on fire.

Boris travel advice - Brits in Turkey are advised to avoid all but essential limericks about the president having sex with goats.

If you export armaments, don’t complain about importing refugees.

“Britain faces a simple and inescapable choice - stability and strong government with me, or chaos with Ed Miliband.” (Cameron, 4 May 2015)

by **Ivan** Wed Jul 20, 2016 12:40 pm

Boris Johnson's plane had to make an emergency landing. Technicians had failed to estimate its weight correctly to allow for his inflated ego.

If we were about to be obliterated by a nuclear strike, would you - like Theresa May - really want to take 100,000 innocent people with us?

“Leadsom’s team suggested she was Cristiano Ronaldo, while the evidence suggests she worked for Real Madrid’s PR team.” (Ed Smith)

Want to insult people? Remember to insult hundreds of them, then according to Boris Johnson’s rule, you don't have to apologise.

Some Labour supporters kept saying that a Brexit vote would fatally divide the Tories and lead to Labour's resurgence. How did that work out?

The Tories treat PMQs like ‘lights out’ at Eton. It’s all so far removed from the real world.

Phil Woolas' victory in Oldham East in 2010 was declared void as he had "made false statements". Why doesn’t that apply to the EU referendum?

Boris Johnson is what thick people think intelligent people are like.

Has Erdogan appointed Osborne? The rate he is sacking public sector workers, I wouldn't be surprised.

Melania Trump has been accused of making a speech containing strands lifted from other places, much like Donald’s hairstyle.

by boatlady Wed Jul 20, 2016 11:17 pm

“Britain faces a simple and inescapable choice - stability and strong government with me, or chaos with Ed Miliband.” (Cameron, 4 May 2015)

lol!

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