Favourite 'tweets'

by **Ivan** Thu Jan 26, 2012 5:23 pm

First topic message reminder :

For those of us who use 'Twitter', I thought it might be worth having a thread to share some of the interesting tweets we come across. Here are three that I've read today:-

Nick Clegg says "families are at boiling point". Well you put the gas under them, Clegg!

When a man talks dirty to a woman its sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man its $3.95 a minute.

No income tax, no VAT
No points last week off Man City
The future’s grim, he's looking pale
Harry Redknapp’s off to jail.

by boatlady Wed Jul 20, 2016 11:17 pm

“Britain faces a simple and inescapable choice - stability and strong government with me, or chaos with Ed Miliband.” (Cameron, 4 May 2015)

lol!

by **Ivan** Fri Jul 22, 2016 12:38 pm

The mood in the land is anti-austerity and anti-establishment. Scotland has moved left. Why on earth do some think Labour should move right?

When will those Brexit supporters who wanted "more democracy" start campaigning for an elected head of state, PR and abolition of lords?

Only 9 countries in the world have nuclear weapons to deter attacks. Why aren't the other 187 being nuked?

“I doubt whether, in the whole of British history, any political party has recruited 183,000 paid supporters in just 48 hours. Astounding fact.” (Michael Crick)

The Brexit sterling slump cost easyJet £40 million, which it hopes to make up from a few people with overweight baggage.

I see that Turkey has suspended the convention on human rights. No UK politician would ever suggest such a draconian act, would they Theresa?

“Don't get Trident, never have. If it's ever actually needed we're all screwed anyway. Spend the money on something important.” (Gary Lineker)

Office for National Statistics reveals monetary fraud is the most common UK crime, ranging from credit card skimming to promising the NHS £350m/wk.

I couldn't give a damn who Trump's knuckle-dragging (sorry, running) mate is, his biggest challenge will be joined-up writing.

"Labour heartlands are seriously looking at UKIP ….....dangerous", says Gisela Stuart, who urged members to vote with UKIP in the EU referendum.

Russian athletes banned from Olympics are said to be ‘gutted’, which is the only way WADA can find out what they’re actually on.

Owen Smith says Labour needs to be great at solutions not just slogans, as he unveils his new ‘solutions not slogans’ slogan.

"The only reason for Trident is as an ego trip for a British establishment that is isolating itself from the rest of the world." (Mhairi Black)

Donald Trump promises to "make America great again" and "give people their country back". Does that mindless claptrap sound familiar?

"The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter." (Winston Churchill)

by **Ivan** Mon Jul 25, 2016 11:57 pm

Mike Ashley tells a parliamentary committee that if Sports Direct is “like a Victorian workhouse” he will eat his stovepipe.

“Not seen the papers so let me guess today's Labour story - I'll go for 'Corbyn supporter gave me Ebola' says unnamed MP.” (Mark Steel)

Terrorism has no religion, it is the use of violence to influence political ends. Religion is merely the recruitment tool.

Nero only knew one sodding tune, and it was played again for Brexit.

Jeremy Corbyn is condemned for lack of leadership quality but insists that even he would have enforced the follow-on against Pakistan.

The people who reference WW2 obsessively are often also promoting the same small-minded, hateful nationalism that caused the war to begin with.

Tim Farron says the Lib Dem membership is the highest it has ever been. They can now nearly fill the Little Chef on the M62.

So Jeremy Corbyn is "unelectable", yet Owen Smith couldn't win Blaenau Gwent, once a safe seat for Nye Bevan and Michael Foot, in 2006.

Boris Johnson: “British have decided to leave. It's like cricket, when the umpire says you are out, you are out.” Wrong. We now have DRS.

BBC really is failing in its responsibilities if it blames Sir Philip Green for the collapse of BHS. Couldn't they pin it on Jeremy Corbyn?

by **Ivan** Thu Jul 28, 2016 11:55 pm

EDF give Hinkley Point the green light, which is also something you may see around anyone who lives within 25 miles of it once it's built.

RBS warns of negative interest rates for savers, meaning high street banks will now be outperformed by biscuit tins and shoeboxes.

Why haven't we heard anything about Tory election fraud recently? Have they asked Chilcot to investigate it?

A footprint of a giant lumbering dinosaur has been found in Bolivia, perhaps explaining where Jeremy Clarkson has been filming.

“It's true that hard work never killed anybody, but I figure why take the chance?” (Ronald Reagan)

Owen Smith insists he's as left wing as Jeremy Corbyn, in the hope of securing some all-important criticism from Tony Blair.

Hinkley Point: an example of the UK “taking back control”. And then handing it to France and China.

Lloyds Bank cuts 3,000 jobs despite making huge profits as "those shareholders' yachts won’t pay for themselves".

A Lancet study shows office workers should exercise 1hr/day, and congratulates Southern Rail for giving everyone the opportunity to walk.

Listening to Brexit supporters is like being in a compound in Waco being told that if we set fire to the place we’ll all end up in paradise.

I’m pleased that the UK is “living within our means”; isn’t it great having nukes to protect our food banks?

"Do I mind if Theresa May wears my clothes? No, but I certainly don't admire her. I think she's awful." (Vivienne Westwood)

by **Ivan** Sun Jul 31, 2016 11:56 pm

Why the sudden delay over Hinkley Point? Is the cheque containing the generous donation to the Tory Party still in the post?

Far from something to commemorate, the fact that it's 50 years since England's overpaid footballers won anything is a disgrace.

Donald Trump urges Russia to hack Hillary Clinton’s emails, but threatens nuclear war if they so much as glance at his tax return.

Threat of alcohol crackdown at airports. "How are we going to cope on our flights?”, ask pilots.

A judge ruled Corbyn should stay on the leadership ballot, proving that our judges have been infiltrated by anarchists and Militant.

Amazon founder is now the world’s third richest man, although critics say his salary package is actually way bigger than it needs to be.

We got our country back. It turned out to be 14th century feudalism.

"Trump’s strength is his ability to speak directly to the gut, often bypassing the cerebral cortex altogether." (Jonathan Freedland)

As Norway considers giving Finland a mountain as a birthday present, UK considers sending them Luton.

If Cameron`s leaked honours list is genuine, it confirms suspicions that a Blue Peter badge has more merit than a knighthood.

Sadiq Khan and Harry Potter - one of them fights and defeats the forces of darkness, the other is Harry Potter.

"Now we’ve voted for Brexit, great British businesses like Southern Rail, Byron Burger, Lloyds Bank and Sports Direct are finally set free." (Mark Steel)

by oftenwrong Tue Aug 02, 2016 8:54 am

An oft-repeated tweet was the aphorism, variously worded, but saying something like:

"If voting changed anything they wouldn't let us do it."

The recent Brexit referendum would seem to have rendered that anachronistic.

by **Ivan** Thu Aug 04, 2016 9:37 am

Cameron’s honours list is accused of devaluing awards given to genuinely worthy recipients, such as Robert Maxwell, Philip Green and Fred Goodwin.

Turkey denies any involvement in a shot-down Russian helicopter, as its military are all in prison.

Neil Hamilton looks more like Sir Les Patterson every time he comes on TV.

Following its profit crash, HSBC reassures customers that key services remain unaffected, notably payment of massive bonuses to bankers.

Because of Brexit, you will lose your automatic right to live in 27 other countries, but at least you’ll get a blue passport.

Favourite 'tweets' - Page 14 Blue_p10

https://pbs.twimg.com/media/Co1ZJDoW8AAxIT2.jpg

Home ownership is at its lowest level in thirty years, with some foreign oligarchs down to their last five London skyscrapers.

Cameron denies that his honours list constitutes "rewards for failure", otherwise he would have given himself one.

“I am under no pressure. Pressure is not being able to feed your children, not knowing if you have work today.” (Jeremy Corbyn)

by boatlady Thu Aug 04, 2016 10:17 am

Spot the odd man out

“I am under no pressure. Pressure is not being able to feed your children, not knowing if you have work today.” (Jeremy Corbyn)

by oftenwrong Thu Aug 04, 2016 5:07 pm

"One thought it wise just to check"

by **Ivan** Sun Aug 07, 2016 11:54 am

Olympic opening ceremony was a lovely celebration of the mixed cultures of Brazil, but just wait 4 years till they insist they “want their country back”.

"The Tory leadership election was a sort of X Factor for choosing the antichrist." (Frankie Boyle)

Radio 4 - when Will Self is about to do 'A point of view', can you please give at least five minutes' notice to have a dictionary at hand?

Genuine press release: "Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions."

I still can't believe that Cameron left Larry the Cat off his tawdry honours list. He should have been given an MBE (Moggy of a Bell End).

"May to create three secondary modern schools in every town" wouldn’t be a very sexy headline.

“Anyone who can be provoked by a tweet shouldn’t be anywhere near nuclear weapons.” (Hillary Clinton)

Why doesn't a football club make George Osborne its manager? It doesn't matter how much he stuffs things up, he can still win a title.

by oftenwrong Fri Aug 12, 2016 5:24 pm

"The White Jag, Sir? Lovely runner - would you like to sit behind the wheel? Hold on, I'll get you a box."

by **Ivan** Fri Aug 12, 2016 11:20 pm

“Cameron arrived as a roaring anti-lobbying and anti-cronyism lion. He exits as a contemptible whimpering mouse of chumocracy and UK corruption.” (Paul Flynn MP)

Is Trotskyite Twist a new cocktail, or is Tom Watson shaking the ingredients for an Apocalypse Now? *

Southern Rail strike called off, so normal service will soon resume. Commuters are not expected to notice any difference.

"Corbyn's unelectability stems from him failing to secure enough support for something the public decided to vote against." (Frankie Boyle)

The world has enough for everyone’s needs but not for their greed.

Whenever I hear Owen Smith, I think he’s about to try to sell me an overpriced vacuum cleaner.

“The act of spending members' money to stop members from voting is perverse.” (Frank Field MP)

"Brexit' appears to be a ten-year complex, laborious and expensive process to place the UK in a far worse international trading position.

Commuters are delighted the Southern Rail strike is over, as now their trains can go back to being cancelled for the usual reasons.

"Blairites are currently following a scorched earth policy. They would rather burn Labour to the ground than let Corbyn lead it." (George Galloway)

(* I've never tried it, but in case anyone is remotely interested, Apocalypse Now consists of equal measures of Baileys, tequila and dry vermouth.)

by **Ivan** Tue Aug 16, 2016 11:15 pm

"EU citizens left in limbo", says Leave MP Gisela Stuart. Er, what did she think would happen?

“I pity the man who wants a coat so cheap that the man or woman who produces the cloth will starve in the process.” (Benjamin Harrison)

Unbelievable cheek of ‘The Daily Mail’, with its front page shouting “Mighty Mo”. It would have repatriated Mr Farah to Somalia.

US officials announce huge Guantanamo transfer to the United Arab Emirates. Arsenal fans complain about missing out on yet another signing.

“Most wealth in the world is amassed through inheritance and usury, not through work.” (Danny Dorling)

Gisela Stuart – the woman who set fire to the house is now surprised that the house burned down.

There are appeals for Andy Murray’s knighthood to be denied until he’s managed to run a major bank or business into the ground.

“The art of taxation consists in so plucking the goose as to obtain the largest possible amount of feathers with the smallest possible amount of hissing.” (Jean-Baptiste Colbert)

Donald Trump's test to ensure migrants share American values is criticised as the questions are revealed:
1. Are you religious?
2. Do you like guns?

Most of Gisela Stuart’s UKIP pals probably think Limbo is a region of Tanganyika.

“Congrats to George Osborne on his Companion of Honour for services to inequality, debt, economic chaos and robbing the poor to feed the rich.” (David Schneider)

Now the UK is doing well in the dressage, it's taking off in the council estates of Britain. You can barely move in Croydon for dancing horses.

by **Ivan** Sun Aug 21, 2016 9:36 am

George Osborne has been spotted firing a machine gun while on holiday in Vietnam. Tour guides confirmed he failed to hit any of his targets.

A Level results are out. Hundreds of thousands of teenagers are receiving a clearer picture of how much debt they're going to be in.

Anjem Choudary was finally arrested after the Home Office abandoned its 10-year plan of waiting for him to run out of things to say.

Brian Rix was the master of farce - until he was superseded by Cameron and Osborne.

“If they introduce 'patronising meaningless interviewing immediately after a race' as an Olympic sport, we'd be guaranteed yet another gold.” (Mark Steel)

Do you ever wonder what the best thing was before sliced bread?

Osborne's Help to Buy ISA promise turns out to be such a huge lie that he's agreed to paint it on the side of a bus.

"I value loyalty, and believe that internal disagreements shouldn’t be voiced in the media." (Sadiq Khan)

Favourite 'tweets' - Page 14 Khan_a10

Source: Twitter

by boatlady Sun Aug 21, 2016 10:58 am

Khan's announcement seems to have backfired slightly - many voices on Twitter commenting that he has lost support because of his decision to get involved in the leadership election

by oftenwrong Sun Aug 21, 2016 12:24 pm

This is a referendum, not a Neverendum . (D Cameron 17 May 2016)

by **Ivan** Tue Aug 23, 2016 11:58 pm

Mrs Windsor is delighted with the UK's success in the Olympics. Knowing that will be a great comfort to people queuing at food banks.

Can anyone explain why the pound keeps falling against the euro, when the UK economy is supposed to be so strong and the eurozone so weak?

BBC wants you to stay focused on Olympics. Then you won't notice Truss scrapping HRA, Hunt destroying NHS and Patel wrecking overseas aid.

The voting in of President Trump would be like Brexit on steroids.

Bloody Muslim immigrants coming over here, winning gold medals, working hard and making our country great.

Jeremy Hunt denies his claims about NHS funding were false, but he admits he got the idea from the side of a bus.

Team GB’s result at coming second in Rio should get far more credit than it has, says Arsène Wenger.

Do you remember that time we argued about train reservations, while the Tories were scrapping the Human Rights Act?

“The countries that came first and second in the 1988 Olympics had ceased to exist by 1992.” (Dan Snow)

After the Ofsted boss quits following comments about inbreeding on the Isle of Wight, residents celebrate by giving each other high sixes.

Team GB admits unsuccessful athletes returning from Rio face an uncertain future - Celebrity Big Brother or Strictly Come Dancing?

by oftenwrong Wed Aug 24, 2016 10:34 am

Curious remark. Most of the residents you see on the IoW look too old to be doing with that sort of thing.

by **Ivan** Fri Aug 26, 2016 11:58 pm

Nigel Farage speaking at a Donald Trump rally is like scum congealing on an unwashed greasy pot.

“This Virgin east coast train is 30 minutes late going back to Edinburgh, though I'm sure they have CCTV footage proving I've already arrived.” (Mark Steel)

Big problem with referendums is they assume people know what they’re talking about, while making no effort to keep us properly informed the rest of the time.

“I don’t need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me.” (Stephen Fry)

Does Nigel Farage not get the irony of a foreigner going to another country and telling them how to run things?

"This coup isn’t about Jeremy Corbyn, this is about you. This is the 1% telling the 99% to get back in your place." (John McDonnell)

Richard Branson opposes rail nationalisation, which would be paid for by British taxpayers (i.e. not Richard Branson).

“Donald Trump calls on Hillary to shut down her foundation. Meanwhile, we’re all still begging him to choose a more natural colour for his.” (Bette Midler)

You have to conclude that the Tories must be really afraid of Corbyn if their BBC lackeys have to attack him almost every evening on ‘Newsnight’.

Anti-establishment Nigel Farage can often be found sticking it to the man at exclusive dinner parties.

"Trump claims to be a champion of Brexit, but a few weeks ago he made it clear he had no idea what the Brexit vote was about." (Mark Steel)

Richard Branson is just a 21st century mill-owner who gets a good press because his friends own it.

“The Daily Mail’s coverage of burkinis shows that it’s in turmoil over who it hates most – Muslims, women or the French.” (Hugo Rifkind)

by **Ivan** Mon Aug 29, 2016 3:29 pm

Because of the purge, Corbyn is likely to be re-elected Labour leader with a reduced majority. Then the plotters and the media can spin that his support is waning.

BBC News at Ten describing Tory assault on NHS as “efficiency measures” is outrageous. It was the best health system in the world in 2010.

"A basic principle of modern state capitalism is that costs and risks are socialised, while profits are privatised." (Noam Chomsky)

Brexit was a fanciful idea with no plans, sold to everyone by lies and voted for by dinosaurs.

Iain Duncan Smith is like Eric Morecambe on the piano. All the words are there but not necessarily in the right order.

Democracy doesn't mean shutting up because you 'lost'.

Tristram Hunt once crossed a picket line at Queen Mary University of London, in order to give a lecture on Karl Marx.

“Trump’s tweets are verbal owl pellets made up of indigestible opinions regurgitated into little sentences.” (Armando Iannucci) ‏

I’ve just had an email from the BBC telling me I can't vote in Strictly Come Dancing as I tweeted about watching ITV's X-Factor.

Ed Balls should concentrate more on his Paso Doble, as the general election showed that when it comes to politics he is out of step with the British people.

Brexit was about voting to take back what we had never lost, in order to lose everything we had.

by **Ivan** Sat Sep 03, 2016 12:18 am

After meeting Enrique Peña Nieto, Donald Trump says he's impressed with the way the Mexican president deported himself.

Jeremy Hunt on the junior doctors' strike: “We don't have government by plebiscite”. Apart from when it comes to Brexit, of course.

Apple boss Tim Cook says that the EU decision has no basis in fact or law. Surely the same could be said of Apple's tax return?

John Humphrys on science is the radio equivalent of Les Dawson playing Chopin.

Have you noticed how Donald Trump sounds like the Grand Nagus from Deep Space Nine, and is about as attractive?

Premier League clubs have spent £1 billion between them over the summer. Even Arsène Wenger invested £15 on new ink for his office printer.

“When it comes to improving our NHS, Jeremy Hunt is about as convincing as a Michelin-starred Pot Noodle.” (Martin Shovel)

Listening to Donald Trump drives me up the wall. And I don't even live on the Mexican border.

If lobbyists pay £3,150, they can have lunch with Theresa May at the Tory conference. Or they can eat with Jeremy Hunt or Liam Fox for £2.99.

“There is a false notion that democracy means my ignorance is just as good as your knowledge.” (Isaac Asimov)

by **Ivan** Mon Sep 05, 2016 8:05 pm

“It's all very well England beating Slovakia. Let's see how they get when they play some of the bigger footballing nations like Iceland.” (David Schneider)

David Davis talks for more than two hours and says nothing. That's remarkable. Sir Humphrey would be proud.

“In the Commons for government statement on ‘Exiting the European Union’. I've read more detailed operating instructions on a toothbrush.” (Karen Buck MP)

If only the England football team had a tenth of the creativity of Philip Green's accountants.

“So now Theresa May tells us Brexit means Brexit, because it means Brexit. I wonder how long this will go on for?” (Catherine Bearder MEP)

Following Gove's comment that 17m who voted Leave are experts in economics, I've just asked my neighbour to explain endogenous growth theory.

“The Bible is one of the most genocidal books in history.” (Noam Chomsky)

What kind of insanity would make you pretend that you are the poshest industrial washing machine salesman of all time?

“Do not sacrifice UK access to the EU single market of 500m, just to turn away foreigners that employers wish to employ.” (Ken Clarke)

Problem with Leavers isn't that they don't understand Brexit (who does?), but that they don't think there is anything to understand.

"Sometimes you've just got to hit the ball hard on target" - ITV football punditry at its best.

Theresa May ignores Vote Leave Brexit pledges, saying they’re not worth the side of the bus they were written on.

by **Ivan** Wed Sep 07, 2016 12:00 am

Theresa May and John Major became PM for the same reason. They kept their heads down and offended as few fellow Tory MPs as possible.

Being the minister for Brexit makes David Davis sound like he's in charge of the breakfast cereal. And that’s about all he's any good for.

Global air disruption has been caused by IT failures at British Airways, the world’s favourite offline.

Twenty times smaller and the other side of the world - but Theresa May thinks a deal with Australia can replace the EU.

Idea for a radio show: Ken Livingstone tries to talk for a minute without hesitation, repetition or mentioning Hitler.

Theresa May is between a rock and a hard place. She knows Brexit is insane, but the rabid right of her party will never allow her to bin it.

The absurd David Davis says he wants "a national consensus" on Brexit - but MPs won't get a vote and the Scots must do as they're told.

What? PM says no new £350m a week for NHS or points-based immigration? Next she’ll be saying that 76m Turks aren’t about to arrive!

When Labour MPs shouted “waffle” at David Davis, he took it as an instruction rather than a criticism.

Theresa May: “The reason I’ve been saying Brexit means Brexit is precisely because it means it does." My 6-year-old niece talks more sense.

David Davis's Brexit statement reminds me of WS Gilbert on the Lords during the Napoleonic Wars: they did nothing in particular and did it very well.

by **Ivan** Fri Sep 09, 2016 11:24 pm

Theresa May is to ensure that poorer pupils will go to new grammar schools, so that posh kids can study them in biology lessons.

Liam Fox says his department "will grow our significance in the world". I doubt if Fox could grow a nasturtium.

In her attempts to defend the grammar school policy on the ‘Today’ programme, Justine Greening left no cliché unturned.

North Korea claims success in fifth nuclear test, adding that it is now looking forward to the nuclear one-day series.

Ridiculous ‘Telegraph’ headline: “All schools get chance to become grammars”. That would make them all comprehensives, wouldn’t it?

Donald Trump is what happens when intelligent people don't vote.

Justine Greening, a minister in a government that believes in privatising everything, calls Labour "ideological" for opposing grammar schools!

MPs call for halt to UK arms sales to Saudi Arabia, as it is actually more profitable to sell them direct to the terrorist groups.

May refuses to give “a running commentary” on Brexit, thus failing to understand that she’s supposed to be accountable to the British people.

"UK businesses are too lazy and fat" says Liam Fox, the man who is supposed to be promoting them around the world.

Even Stanley Unwin would have made more sense in an interview than Justine Greening.

How will history judge the USA if it elects a madman because his opponent used her work email at home?

by boatlady Sat Sep 10, 2016 8:37 am

Theresa May is to ensure that poorer pupils will go to new grammar schools, so that posh kids can study them in biology lessons.

That's not as far-fetched as it sounds - a peer of mine recently explained that she had visited me at home when a schoolmate ' because she wanted to see how I lived' - at the time, I thought we were friends but in fact I was just her 'O' level sociology project

by oftenwrong Sat Sep 10, 2016 9:02 am

The re-emergence of "Grammar Schools" as a government project couldn't be a smokescreen to cloak tory inadequacies over Brexit, could it?

by **Ivan** Sun Sep 11, 2016 2:38 pm

The UK has a health secretary who hates doctors, a foreign secretary who hates foreigners, and now a trade secretary who hates UK business.

BBC news – the Princess Royal has been ill and cancelled her appointments for this week. Presumably that's her hairdresser and manicurist.

The Tories are planning to reintroduce grammar schools as a major boost to the private tutoring industry.

Mel B calls Victoria and Mel C “bitches” for not joining a Spice Girls’ reunion. Whatever happened to “friendship never ends”?

“To the surprise of nobody, the £350m a week for the NHS claim has been abandoned. Who will take responsibility for the big red bus?” (David Lammy)

Baroness Nicholson rejoins the ‘one nation’ Tories - who provoke doctors into strike action and seek to divide children at the age of eleven.

Is it time for Theresa May to sack Liam Fox? His money-making skills are limited to expense claims.

The only way Donald Trump could destroy ISIS is if he owned it.

“Boris Johnson is a politician who has never made the mistake of believing what he says.” (Nick Cohen)

May is wrong to argue grammars can be part of a diverse school system that offers parents choice. A school system is either selective or it is not.

If a firm's directors decided to dump all its EU customers and find new ones - somewhere - in the next decade or so, they’d all be fired.

Trump supporter Jacob Rees-Mogg is the perfect example of how an expensive education lets you take the edge off sociopathic thuggery.

Finland is top of the Programme for International Student Assessment tables. It doesn't have selection, private schools or lots of social inequality.

“Arsonist who set fire to house blames ‘fat and lazy’ firefighters for it burning down.” (David Schneider)

All those people waving the EU flag at the Last Night of the Proms should be arrested and charged with reason.

by oftenwrong Wed Sep 14, 2016 12:43 pm

Jack Lloyd on Twitter:
@jacklloydster
"Disappointed with the new #Walkers crisps, Cheese & Cucumber tastes like piss and Sausage & Brown Sauce tastes like dried sick."

I don't think I would be qualified to comment on such flavours. An unusual skill being displayed right there.

by boatlady Wed Sep 14, 2016 5:51 pm

by oftenwrong Fri Sep 23, 2016 11:47 pm

Favourite 'tweets' - Page 14 WiYNNAmS?format=jpg&name=orig

Well, it must beat sitting next to an obese person on Emirates for seven hours.

by **Ivan** Tue Sep 27, 2016 12:23 pm

“Global warming is a hoax invented by the Chinese to make US manufacturing non-competitive.” (Donald Trump)

Yahoo reassures the public that very few of their 500m hacked user accounts have been accessed, by anyone, ever, including the owners.

Allies claim Theresa May did not "disappear from view" during the Brexit campaign, but concede her lack of reflection in the mirror is baffling.

Trump tells Netanyahu that he admires Israel’s separation border, notably how it totally solved their conflict with the Palestinians.

As the enforceability of a law banning mooning and streaking in Australia comes under increasing scrutiny, cracks begin to show.

Lib Dem membership soars following the re-election of Jeremy Corbyn. It's now in double figures.

Hillary might not light your fire. However Trump will, and the dangerous idiot will also burn your house down.

The Tories will rush through a gay pardon law, before turning the clock back to the 1950s and re-arresting everyone again.

Smoking numbers drop to their lowest rates ever, thanks to a mix of adverts, vaping and deaths caused by smoking.

Donald Trump thinks his supporters need respect. Some of us think they need sectioning.

‘Sound Of Music’ star Charmian Carr, who played Liesl, has died. Her funeral will be held at 16:00 going on 17:00.

‘Daily Mail’ readers were outraged when it was revealed that recent hot weather may have entered the UK illegally from the continent.

As her doctor declares her healthy, Hillary Clinton reminds voters it's better to recover from a nasty disease than to elect one.

Poor decision-making and no follow-up strategy led to chaos, says report into Cameron’s Libya intervention - and into everything else he did.

“Poor America. It must be hard deciding between a competent, experienced woman and a lying, xenophobic, unpredictable, dangerous narcissist.” (David Schneider)

News of Angelina Jolie’s split from Brad Pitt is really devastating, say the people of Aleppo.

by **Ivan** Thu Sep 29, 2016 11:02 am

Donald Trump is living proof that growing old doesn't necessarily mean growing up. He’s a 70-year-old spoilt child.

Science update:-
Longest unit of time - a Chilcot.
Shortest unit of time - an Allardyce.

'The Victorian Slum' - coming soon to BBC2. And to the rest of Tory Britain not long afterwards.

The Tories have told the FA they're concerned about corruption in football. That means they haven't received their bung for the party yet.

“Brexit is to cost the taxpayer millions. I can't remember this being written on the side of a bus. Must have missed it.” (David Lammy)

Donald Trump is just Boris Johnson without the clever Ancient Greece inspired diversionary witticisms.

When I heard that someone had been sacked after doing a mere 90 minutes’ work in Europe, I thought it was Nigel Farage.

Jeremy Hunt could be the new England manager if he can convince the FA that he can impose a cheaper system where 5 players cover 7 positions.

"I went easy on Hillary in the debate", says Trump. In other news, Trump trips in the street and pretends he was starting to jog.

The government's Article 50 position: it’s too complex for Parliament, but not a for referendum question.

by **Ivan** Fri Sep 30, 2016 11:58 pm

Jeremy Hunt is a dunderhead. The size of the apple crumble at ‘The Dog and Duck’ is not the greatest issue facing the NHS.

“Resistance to Brexit is resistance to the reinvention of the UK as ‘The Mail’, ‘The Express’, Farage, Murdoch and the far right want it.” (A. C. Grayling)

Tories end the ‘Help To Buy’ scheme, as it’s achieved its goal of driving up house prices and creating a third of a million fewer young homeowners.

Liam Fox wants to resign from a cricket club, rejoin for free, be guaranteed a 1st XI place and not be subject to the LBW law. That's bound to work.

"The American Dream? You gotta be asleep to believe it." (George Carlin)

John Redwood was not injured when the Rosetta probe landed close to his home.

by **Ivan** Sun Oct 02, 2016 11:50 pm

"Insulting the intelligence of the British people" says Theresa May, who speaks as though she's reading a ladybird book to a toddler.

Hard Brexiteers: "We burnt the house down but we hear some bits of furniture survived, so let's set fire to that too." (David Schneider)

‘The Daily Mail’ is the paper that gives people with nothing to say something to talk about.

May announces Great Repeal Bill to convert all EU law into UK law including, hopefully, membership of the single market and free movement.

Patrick McLoughlin says Tories "can't afford" to let Labour back into power. They might have to pay their fair share of tax if that happens.

“The Great Repeal Bill is nonsense. It just says we'll do what we've already decided to do, eventually, once we've figured out how to do it.” (Hugo Rifkind)

‘The Daily Express’ reports numbers of dementia sufferers soar and, in unrelated news, that it has massively increased its circulation.

“Feeling sad that Theresa May had a private meeting in New York to make obeisance to Rupert Murdoch. I'd hoped that was finished with Cameron.” (John Cleese)

Patriots don't vote to throw their country down the toilet just because tabloids have fed them 40 years of lies about the EU.

Irony dies as Theresa May promises she "will never allow divisive nationalists to undermine a precious union''.

by oftenwrong Mon Oct 03, 2016 5:35 pm

May announces Great Repeal Bill to convert all EU law into UK law including a clause saying that each culled Badger will have to meet the £6,775 cost of having had itself killed.

by **Ivan** Tue Oct 04, 2016 11:03 pm

Diane James has resigned as UKIP leader to spend more time cleaning behind her fridge.

Article 50 is to be triggered in March 2017, giving Nissan, Deutsche Bank, Pfizer and everyone else ample time to leave.

Just when you think that there couldn't be a more useless, destructive and incompetent PM than David Cameron, along comes Theresa May.

On being on the Brexit team, a senior civil servant said: "It would be akin to promoting cigarette smoking as good for your health".

“So Diane James' leadership outlasted Lady Jane Grey's reign (9 days) and Britney Spears' first marriage (55 hours).” (Gaby Hinsliff)

Presumably the 80% of children who aren't chosen for Theresa May's new grammar schools will go on to become Andrea Leadsom's fruit pickers?

It feels as if we're going to hell in a handcart, with the Tories privatising hell and outsourcing the handcarts to the Chinese.

"Philip Hammond is now borrowing from Labour to invest in his own speech." (John McDonnell)

Can I replace Len Goodman on ‘Strictly’ when he retires? I'm just as capable of repeating "you came out and gave it your all" to each contestant.

Could we maybe get a foreign UKIP leader in to do the job while a home-grown one is being trained?

“To find out who rules over you, simply find out who you are not allowed to criticise.” (Voltaire)

The Treasury insists that although the pound has hit a 31-year low against the dollar, it's still holding its own against the penny.

by oftenwrong Wed Oct 05, 2016 10:53 am

So where do you stand on this?

Favourite 'tweets' - Page 14 Conservative+Party+Conference+2016+Preparation+2CcaKYqPb_7s

by **Ivan** Fri Oct 07, 2016 4:20 pm

A chill wind blew through Theresa May's speech: we will be a less kind country, a less tolerant country, a less welcoming country.

There’s not a single case in history where nationalism, the retreat from alliances and the dismissal of migrants has made a country a better place

Steven Woolfe tweeted that he is "feeling a lot brighter" after his brain scan, leading to calls for everyone in UKIP to have one.

May says “The Tories are the party of ordinary, working class people”. In other news, lions are the health and safety team for antelopes.

Someone should have told the Tories the anniversary of Cable Street was celebrating a victory over fascism, not laying a path towards it.

Theresa May's dig at Boris Johnson proves two things - she's uncomfortable telling a joke, but she's very comfortable appointing one.

In the vice-presidential debate, Mike Pence reacted angrily after Tim Kaine calls Donald Trump “a fool or maniac”, insisting he specify which.

Theresa May says she's a patriot. Then she hands Hinkley Point to China, the Trident steel deal to France and backs tax cuts for foreign corporations.

Theresa May says the government must listen to voters’ needs. The next day Sajid Javid overrules a local council and 18,000 complaints about fracking.

I wonder if Steven Woolfe appreciates the free medical treatment which British citizens are entitled to in France because of EU membership?

At least now it's clear that when Theresa May said the Tories were seen as the nasty party she meant it as a compliment.

“I think a deal's been done. Farage now secretly runs the Tories, May will become England manager and Sam Allardyce will be leader of UKIP.” (Mark Steel)

by **Ivan** Sat Oct 08, 2016 4:48 pm

"Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country." (John F Kennedy)
"Grab 'em by the pussy." (Donald Trump)

As economists warn that the pound remains “volatile”, UK MEPs offer to take it outside and sort it out.

Donald Trump: "When you’re a star, they let you do it. You can do anything." Same philosophy as the monster Jimmy Savile.

UKIP policy – freshly made every day to suit whoever we’re trying to con.

Donald Trump in 2013: “Sexual pervert Anthony Weiner has zero business holding public office.”

“Brexit was a working class revolt, but it is not a working class victory.” (Laurie Penny)

If you wouldn't want Donald Trump alone with any woman you care about, don't hand him your country.

"English fascism is likely to be of a sedate and subtle kind (presumably, at any rate at first, it won't be called fascism)." (George Orwell)

by **Ivan** Tue Oct 11, 2016 9:44 am

“During the Leave campaign we heard so much about parliamentary sovereignty. So why is David Davis now so opposed to it?” (David Lammy)

"Nobody has more respect for women than I do", says Donald Trump, who clearly does not understand the meaning of either "nobody" or "respect".

Who cares about the pound plummeting and employers leaving the UK? We can all pick fruit or become doctors.

I like David Davis. He makes me feel like an intellectual giant and a paragon of competence.

“Whoever is winning at the moment will always seem to be invincible.” (George Orwell)

Rumour has it that Mick Hucknall can't decide whether to change the name of his pop band to Simply Pink or Simply Pale Blue.

Nigel Farage thinks that groping women is 'alpha-male', not sexual assault, as long as it’s being done by a rich white man, not an immigrant.

David Davis, the man who once caused a costly by-election on issues of civil liberties but who now wants to by-pass Parliament.

Having your professionalism questioned by Iain Duncan Smith is like being given advice on the triathlon by Eric Pickles.

23 June – “when prejudice, propaganda, naked xenophobia and callous fear-mongering won out over common sense”. (Laurie Penny)

A Lib Dem peer has defected to the Tories. Rather like her party did between 2010 and 2015, although it now has amnesia about it.

Police are warning of clowns causing distress. What started as a bit of a lark isn't funny anymore.

Favourite 'tweets' - Page 14 Brexit13

https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CsP4pWGWcAAUcjS.jpg

by oftenwrong Thu Oct 13, 2016 7:40 pm

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