Favourite 'tweets'

by **Ivan** Thu Jan 26, 2012 5:23 pm

First topic message reminder :

For those of us who use 'Twitter', I thought it might be worth having a thread to share some of the interesting tweets we come across. Here are three that I've read today:-

Nick Clegg says "families are at boiling point". Well you put the gas under them, Clegg!

When a man talks dirty to a woman its sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man its $3.95 a minute.

No income tax, no VAT
No points last week off Man City
The future’s grim, he's looking pale
Harry Redknapp’s off to jail.

by **Ivan** Sun Apr 05, 2015 10:42 pm

Eric Pickles denies he spent £10,000 of our money on biscuits last year. The true figure was only £9,961; IDS had the other £39 for a breakfast.

“I will never spread fear about immigration” says the man who was deputy PM in a government that sent out 'go home' vans.

I’m sure there was a major in the debate audience coughing answers to Cameron.

The Tories announce that the minimum wage is to rise by 20p an hour. Meanwhile, the length of an hour is to be increased by 30 minutes.

"If you take immigrant workers out of hospitals in London, half of London would be dead in six months." (Dennis Skinner)

Tories have found instant solutions to problems like child poverty and the number of people who are unemployed. They change the definitions.

Not sure whether the debate participants were being paid, but Nick Clegg was particularly hard to pin down on fees.

What about the ‘hardworking people’ who earn below the tax threshold? Will they be let off paying the extra VAT?

The debate was planned to go on for three hours, but Cameron said that he would stand down after two.

Cameron: "The plan is working."*
(*does not apply to the poor, disabled, young, vulnerable, ill, Scots or those in the north.)

The Tories claim child poverty has fallen by 300,000. The NUT, the NAS/UWT, the CPAG and Barnardo's disagree. Who should we believe?

Cameron on why Christianity is important: "For Jesus allowed the 5,000 to go to food banks and said that the rich shall inherit the earth".

People the Tories won't rule out tax cuts for: millionaires.
People the Tories won't rule out taxing more: the disabled.

Cameron and Farage confirm their belief that the official mascot of the UK is now the scapegoat.

If only Nick Clegg had been in government for the past five years, he could really have made a difference.

Presumably UKIP would have refused treatment to Malala Yousafzai and turned her away?

I’m not sure this slogan is quite as good as the 2010 one: "I partly agree with Nicola".

Millionaires are backing the Tories and have declared their full support, just as long as they’re not forced to declare their full income.

Farage's main policy for the young is to stop them wearing fancy dress and chasing people out of pubs.

Iranian negotiators are confident they’ve convinced the EU and US of the safety of their nuclear programme: “Everyone left the talks with a warm glow”.

A Lib Dem activist has taken part in films about kinky sex. Imagine the shame of her family when they find out she's a Lib Dem activist.

by **Ivan** Sat Apr 11, 2015 11:10 pm

David Starkey thinks "real talent has left politics". Presumably it can now only be found in 70-year-old misogynist bigots who pose as credible historians.

Neoliberalism - the only corner of the English language where "trickle down" means "upwards deluge".

"The Tories treat us like animals, like dull penned beasts bred out of every brain cell and trained not to stampede." (Laurie Penny)

100 billion barrels of oil have been discovered in Surrey. Rumour has it that Surrey is to seek an exit referendum from England.

Michael Fallon is fed up with being described as boring. He'd rather be known for being pathetic.

In an article written entirely in Latin, the Boat Race organisers insist the event “isn’t elitist”.

Instead of spewing out so much hatred, it would be easier if David Starkey just told us who he likes. I doubt if that would fill a tweet.

Keeping nuclear weapons is like buying insurance for a car you never drive.

Is it easier to breathe today because of all the numbers the Tories keep pulling out of the air?

Police decided Hatton Garden raid alarm “did not require a response”, says Met spokesman in a Skype interview from his new yacht.

What better proof can there be that the NHS is failing us than when David Starkey keeps escaping from his padded cell?

Cameron tells UKIP voters to "come home", as he's now made the Tory Party perfect for "fruitcakes, loonies and closet racists".

by **Ivan** Mon Apr 20, 2015 12:12 am

When I read that Cameron had fed a lamb, my first thought was “what to?”.

Right-wing parties like to spend loads of money on defence - but not on the people who they are seeking to defend!

In the eyes of Conservatism, an extra life jacket isn't the means of saving someone, it's an extra weight.

“I was an undecided voter until the Tories decided to sell off homes to buy votes. We need affordable housing, not a giveaway for the few.” (Mariella Frostrup)

Nick Clegg says that Lib Dems would add heart to a Tory government. Just like they did when voting for the bedroom tax?

Cameron is claiming that more people are using food banks because the Tories have done such a good job of advertising them.

I don’t believe Jeremy Clarkson. How many doctors tell patients they've "probably" got cancer?

Why don’t the Tories just come out and offer everyone a tenner to vote for them?

Seeking a better life shouldn't carry a death sentence.

Why all the Tory fuss about the name of the royal baby? It should be Ed if it's a boy, Millie if it's a girl.

If Cameron played one of his interviews to a lie detector it would melt.

The Tories are becoming like a band who, after playing all their hits, still end up getting booed off stage.

Eddie Mair to Priti Patel: “Do you think saying 'long term economic plan' will dazzle listeners into not questioning your policies?”

by boatlady Mon Apr 20, 2015 8:21 am

Why all the Tory fuss about the name of the royal baby? It should be Ed if it's a boy, Millie if it's a girl.

Only sensible thing I've ever heard said about that Kate Middleton's second baby

by **Ivan** Tue Apr 21, 2015 11:11 pm

Cameron refused to sit next to Nicola Sturgeon on the Marr show, yet he was happy to be photographed with Katie Hopkins.

It's democratic to vote to stay in the union, but anti-democratic to vote for a say in the union!

In military terms, asking John Major to make an intervention in the election is a bit like requesting an air strike from a hand glider.

I really wish Grant Shapps would knock at my door. Then I could ask him for his autographs.

Boat Race organisers celebrated equality by letting women row on the same day - one hour beforehand to allow them to get home and get dinner ready.

Ed Miliband was mobbed by a hen party. Meanwhile Cameron joined a stag party and promptly shot it.

Liam Fox says senior Conservatives need to “shout Tory values from the rooftops” - of all their castles.

Pictures show Raheem Sterling inhaling a legal high make sense of his agent’s claim that he is wasted at Liverpool.

Tories instigated a push for voter registration after a survey showed that many voters, like their leader, won’t turn up.

UKIP manifesto included £12 billion funding for the NHS, mainly to cover flights home for foreign surgeons, doctors and nurses.

Lab/SNP working together = chaos. Tories hauling us out of the EU into isolation, prompting Scotland to leave the UK = stability.

by **Ivan** Fri Apr 24, 2015 11:02 pm

Cameron will send a battleship to 'smash' migrant smugglers - just like he smashed Libya to create them.

Grant Shapps is this generation's Jeffrey Archer.

HSBC confirms that it may move its HQ, probably to Bermuda or the Cayman Islands to join all the money.

Osborne: "Deutsche Bank warns of chaos of Labour government. Trust them, they know”. In other news, Deutsche Bank has been fined £2.5 billion over Libor.

Scotland, stay with us! We love you! Just don't have any say in how we run the country.

Poverty and low pay of Victorian times weren't caused by either Romanian immigrants or the EU, but by greedy employers.

Cameron promised to lead "the most open and transparent government in the world". He kept his word by putting Grant Shapps in his cabinet.

BBC has revealed it will screen Jeremy Clarkson’s final scenes - once it works out how to lift them off the hotel’s CCTV.

George Osborne denies the Tory election campaign is too negative, adding if you want to see a negative campaign check out the awful Labour one.

“Of course if Farage had his way, St George would never have made it past immigration and we'd now be entirely populated by dragons.” (David Schneider)

Grant Shapps denies editing his Wikipedia page and has vowed to clear his names.

Police spokesman said that Hatton Garden gang ‘bored’ their way through a concrete wall, adding that Vince Cable has an alibi.

by oftenwrong Fri Apr 24, 2015 11:08 pm

Grant Shapps is this generation's Jeffrey Archer.

They're not the same bloke? Live and learn!

by **Ivan** Sun Apr 26, 2015 1:52 pm

Cameron: "If you vote for Lib Dems, you don't know what you will get". Very true, Dave - last time it meant we were lumbered with you!

If the Tories had a soul they'd sell it.

“Stand by for the next ‘Daily Mail’, in which we learn how voting SNP would bring back the Black Death and mean dinosaurs once more roam the earth.” (Gaby Hinsliff)

Police are reporting more sightings of Lord Lucan than Cameron during this general election campaign.

Liam Fox says "you can't disagree with the facts". Cameron, Osborne and Iain Duncan Smith have done little else for the last five years.

The ‘worst crisis since the abdication’ is when the paper shop only has ‘The Mail on Sunday’ left.

All in it together - the number of food bank users hits 1 million, while the wealthiest 1,000 become £28 billion richer in a year.

If the Tories hate the Scots so much, why did they campaign against them leaving the UK?

by **Ivan** Tue Apr 28, 2015 4:44 pm

Shock as 5,000 people who were always going to vote Tory say they're voting Tory, in 'Telegraph' letter organised by the Tories.

David Cameron 2001 - "I'm not a football fan"
David Cameron 2015 - "Villa fan all my life"
Now he’s forever blowing bubbles!

Wonder if the fall in manufacturing is due to workers having to stop production to be photographed with Cameron in a hi viz jacket?

Cameron is the man to save the union. Just like Bomber Harris was the man to save Dresden.

What next from Tory HQ? A petition from 50,000 estate agents? A round robin from 100,000 golf club captains?

No answer from Theresa May as to what rights will be ditched in a British bill of rights. Probably anything that Murdoch and Dacre don't like.

Sad to hear that the inventor of motorway breaks has died. He will be remembered at a number of services across the country.

Next Cameron will be saying his favourite team is 'City', no doubt thinking it has something to do with those hedge funds which bankroll him.

Michael Fallon is such a dreary old fart, but he has one use: a tape of his speeches is the perfect cure for insomnia.

Lynton Crosby and Grant Shapps are the Tories' weapons of crass deception.

So Ed Miliband visited Russell Brand? He probably wanted some tips on how to attract women, but I bet Ed didn't give him any.

Cameron “pumped up”? He’s more like Charles Hawtrey after one too many coffees; a Class A phoney.

If it wasn't for the booming smoke and mirror manufacturing sector, GDP figures would have been even more disappointing.

“The real excitement of this election lies in trying to work out which of the two main parties ‘The Sun’, ‘Daily Mail’ and ‘Telegraph’ will back.” (David Schneider)

by boatlady Tue Apr 28, 2015 5:50 pm

So Ed Miliband visited Russell Brand? He probably wanted some tips on how to attract women, but I bet Ed didn't give him any.

I think so too

by **Ivan** Sun May 03, 2015 9:36 pm

Made the mistake of opening the fridge door when Priti Patel was speaking on ‘Any Questions’. The milk has curdled.

When a royal baby is born, the news looks as if it’s been hijacked by North Korean TV.

If Labour ‘bankrupted’ the UK, how is it that they kept the AAA credit rating? If the Tories are ‘economically competent’, how come they lost it?

“A philosopher is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat that isn't there. A theologian is the man who finds it.” (H. L. Mencken)

Cameron vetoed a mansion tax on the grounds that "our donors would never put up with it".

Clegg suddenly proposes that public sector workers should no longer face pay cuts. He was part of a government which imposed them for five years.

Don't know much about his ability as a politician, but Willie Rennie is a great slang term for Viagra.

It's suddenly clouded over and looks like rain in North East England. Has Rupert Murdoch just landed at Heathrow?

Can you judge a person by the company they keep? In Cameron's case, that's Osborne, Coulson, Brooks, Murdoch, Clarkson, Hopkins, Shapps, IDS.

“The first concern of any nationalism is to erect barriers, not build social democracy.” (Nick Cohen)

Stupidest headline of the year so far - "the world awaits the name of the latest royal baby". They must be thinking of nothing else in Nepal.

Do we really want our democracy controlled by a billionaire Aussie-born US citizen?

A Nick Clegg ‘principle’ is no EU referendum unless there are constitutional changes, or unless there's a chance to become deputy PM again.

Don't understand Nigel Farage wanting the BBC to end ‘Dr Who’. It's his best chance of getting to live in 1957.

by boatlady Wed May 06, 2015 10:30 am

Not to be outdone by Ed Miliband's meeting with Russell Brand, Nigel Farage is using Roger Helmer's ouija board so he can speak with Bernard Manning.

Not Twitter - Sue Jones on Facebook - but know you'd all like it

by **Ivan** Fri May 08, 2015 4:51 pm

Imagine seeing one million being fed by foodbanks, and disabled people being made homeless by the bedroom tax, and wanting more of it.

Richard Littlejohn is to serious, respected, intelligent journalism what Eric Pickles is to nude trampolining.

“Unclear why Tories seem to believe that the vote of my Scottish son-in-law somehow is of less worth than those of my English mother and sister.” (David Blanchflower)

To err is human. To blame someone else is politics.

If you control the media, you control the truth. If you reduce access to education, you control people's ability to see what you are doing.

In honour of his services to ‘Question Time’, the BBC has announced that it is retiring Nigel Farage's chair.

Are you proud to live in a country where people agree with Katie Hopkins and disagree with Stephen Hawking?

Note to David Laws: "There are no Lib Dems left".

Cameron promises to govern for everyone - not just multimillionaires but mere millionaires.

Tories in Sheffield have saved Nick Clegg - so he can be stuffed and displayed in Tory HQ.

The big question raised by the election remains unanswered: who will get Farage's car parking space at the BBC?

Esther McVey has lost. If she’s not at Wirral JobCentrePlus at 9am tomorrow, she should lose six weeks’ money.

What sort of country goes to the polls to vote for a party promising fewer human rights?

I don't know how this new Tory government is going to clean up the mess the last lot left.

“Not a great night” says Ming Campbell. He also said World War One was a bit disappointing.

“Most terrifying of all is the Tories won as the Nasty Party. What does that say about Britain?” (Kevin Maguire)

I hope all you Tories will be happy with yourselves when you ring 999 and get asked for the 16 digit number on the front of your card.

by boatlady Fri May 08, 2015 6:49 pm

I cried

by **Ivan** Mon May 11, 2015 7:20 pm

Three days after his political death, Nigel Farage has been resurrected. Can we expect him to float away on a cloud in a few weeks from now?

Iain Duncan Smith "will be allowed to finish the job he started". Shares in funeral directors are expected to soar when the markets open.

George Orwell got the basics right, they just took 31 years longer than he expected to come about.

After his track record of success in insulting, undermining and demoralising one set of professionals, Gove has been appointed justice secretary.

"Politics is moving onto our turf" says Paul Nuttall, four days after UKIP wins just one seat in the general election.

In a so-called 'democracy', governments are supposed to rule by consent, not with gagging laws, news blackouts and oppression.

Dear National Union of Teachers, can the lawyers please have your ‘Gove Out’ placards?

It appears that Eric Pickles has missed the cabinet on his way to the pantry.

With Farage, it's like those old horror movies. Just when you think the monster is dead, it suddenly lurches back to life.

Iain Duncan Smith is to combine two government policies by passing a law to allow the hunting of foxes, the disabled and the poor.

Reports suggest potential Labour leadership contenders may be reluctant to throw their hats in the ring, in case Paddy Ashdown eats them.

by **Ivan** Fri May 15, 2015 10:16 am

Theresa May is going to shut down buildings used by extremists. Presumably that will mean the closure of 10 and 11 Downing Street and the DWP.

Farage didn't resign, he just had the weekend off.

Prince Charles’ letters reveal ministers held his suggestions in high regard, and had a special bin exclusively for them.

Farage is not a pound shop Enoch Powell anymore. He's barely a tuppence Arthur Daley.

No room for Grant Shapps in Cameron’s new cabinet. He failed to make a name for himself.

Got to feel sorry for Farage losing his most senior adviser. Who'll recommend he tries a pint of say, Old Bigot (ABV 5.3%), now?

Sole Scottish Tory MP David Mundell is made Scottish secretary, after just squeezing onto the final shortlist.

ITV staff to “down tools”. Starting with Jeremy Kyle.

Cameron denies any rift with Grant Shapps, the new British ambassador for North Korea.

According to Farage rules, if we did step away from the EU we could always rejoin a few days later.

Osborne announces £2 billion cash boost for Manchester as a ‘rainy day’ fund, available immediately and every day.

Stephen Hawking has just calculated that if UKIP ever gets two MPs, Farage will have to be on three out of every two editions of ‘Question Time’.

“We’re happy that Charles Windsor is fighting for the Patagonian toothfish”, say the 3.5 million UK children in poverty.

by oftenwrong Fri May 15, 2015 12:33 pm

The real joke was surely that 11,334,576 otherwise sane people voted Tory.

by **Ivan** Wed May 20, 2015 11:49 pm

Farage is like the UK entry in Eurovision. At considerable public expense, someone is sent abroad every year to do three minutes’ work.

Theresa May has accused the police of "scaremongering". That's not something a Tory politician would ever do, is it?

England cricketers say there is no issue with Kevin Pietersen and the door is still open, if he can get his head through it.

UKIP - the only party with one MP that has ever managed a backbench rebellion.

“Laws are spider webs through which the big flies pass and the little ones get caught.” (Honoré de Balzac)

The arrests of nine people aged 48 to 76 for the Hatton Garden raid further highlights the lack of ambition amongst the younger British workforce.

Cameron plans to turn the NHS into a seven-day service, but ambulances still hope to get to you within three.

Farage, that scourge of the metropolitan elite, could not be reached because he was lunching at ‘The Ivy’ and was said to be “only on his first bottle”.

Five years too late: "A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on".

Greece denies that fiscal reforms this week will include “leaving a huge guitar case open in front of the Eurovision stage”.

Jeremy Hunt is wearing an NHS badge. I’m not sure he should be allowed to advertise on the BBC something that he's selling.

Bloody Romanian goalkeepers coming over here, dressing in UKIP colours and saving Sunderland for another season.

"A liberal metropolitan elitist" is someone who moved to, or grew up, in a town accepting of diversity, and who will never be forgiven for it.

After the SNP’s thrashing of Labour, Nicola Sturgeon’s meeting with Cameron was rubbing saltires in the wound.

"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.” (Martin Luther King)

by **Ivan** Fri May 22, 2015 3:57 pm

Something's wrong with my television. BBC ‘Question Time’ is on and there's no sign of Nigel Farage.

A 4.2 magnitude earthquake has been recorded in Kent. A government source has denied that Eric Pickles was in the vicinity.

Q: How do you find Louise Mensch in a hurry?
A: Find a stick and she’ll be holding the wrong end of it.

The good thing about a referendum is at least it answers a question once and for all, as we saw with Scottish independence.

If UKIP carries on getting rid of senior party members at this rate, it will have to draft in immigrants to do their jobs.

Nicky Morgan always looks like that, because she's out of her depth. You can still see her stare after you switch off the TV.

A 7-day NHS is possible if the Tories do what they've done with schools and allow us to be treated by unqualified doctors.

Equal marriage may cause floods, but voting UKIP causes earthquakes.

The Tories will make the UK "less appealing" to immigrant workers, something they've already perfected for us with zero hours contracts and low pay.

At least Cameron achieved his target of reducing the Lib Dems to single figures by 2015.

by **Ivan** Sun May 24, 2015 3:29 pm

The UK only won 5 points, even though millions will have voted for us! Surely it's time that Eurovision abandoned First Past The Post?

More than 100 of Bin Laden’s letters have been released, in which he sensationally didn’t give a toss about the Patagonian toothfish.

A survey reveals cashless transactions are now more popular than cash, particularly in the Hatton Garden area.

To save money, next year's Eurovision could involve no songs, just people voting for which countries they like best.

Cameron has pledged to make it illegal to work illegally in the UK. The man's a genius.

Dante put Judas in the lowest circle of hell, but only because he'd never sat on a train next to a bloke with keyboard clicks on when texting.

UKIP announces reshuffle: Douglas Carswell has moved from defence/home/health/foreign/education to home/foreign/defence/education/health.

You probably think the "you cannot vote for the UK" message is just shown here during Eurovision, but it's actually shown in every country.

Top marks to Alistair Carmichael. Lowering the morale of Liberal Democrats even further is a task that would have defeated Hercules, but he's managed it.

Nepalese people begin fundraising to support families left with slightly chipped tea cups by the Kent earthquake.

by **Ivan** Fri May 29, 2015 2:28 pm

Q: What’s the difference between Sepp Blatter and David Cameron?
A: One is an egomaniac, hell bent on retaining power and passing loads of money to his mates. The other is in charge of FIFA.

Harriet Harman is correct; when it comes to human rights, the government is still working on the back on an envelope.

Tony Blair's employers have admitted they were shocked by his quitting as Middle East peace envoy. “He only gave us 45 minutes' warning.”

Sepp Blatter says: "This is a difficult time for football". Rather like the recently arrested bank robbers saying: "It’s a difficult time for money".

"I support a popular referendum to protect parliamentary sovereignty" is a statement so logically absurd that only a knave or fool could make it.

Sepp Blatter maintains his innocence saying he never crossed the line, though he refuses the technology to show if this did actually happen.

George Galloway is to run for London mayor. A puffed-up egomaniac with only the feeblest grasp on reality, the current mayor leaves in 2016.

Osborne, the plank of England, has doubled the debt, missed every target and lost our AAA credit rating, yet he keeps his job.

Sepp Blatter is the surprise omission from FIFA's 14-man squad to face the FBI.

The Queen's speech reveals plans to extend the right-to-buy-to-sell-to-private-landlords-to-rent scheme.

Sponsors warn FIFA that if executives are found guilty “there will be penalties”, which will naturally favour the Germans.

Harriet Harman to David Cameron: "Beware of the blonde on the zip wire".

The Pope says he hasn’t watched television since 1990. It seems that some people have never got over ‘Eldorado’ being axed.

by **Ivan** Sun May 31, 2015 5:34 pm

I wasn't aware FIFA had anything to do with football, I thought it was a vast money laundering operation.

We already have ‘assisted dying’ in the UK, but we call it ‘Iain Duncan Smith’.

The Russians have decided that they don't want Nick Clegg in their country. I know how they feel.

Sepp Blatter getting re-elected at FIFA is as incomprehensible as so many people in the UK voting for five more years of Cameron.

Human rights are to protect humans. That means everybody who is a human. Not merely the people who Tories decide are human.

“You know you’ve read a good book when you turn the last page and feel a little as if you have lost a friend.” (Paul Sweeney)

The election for FIFA president had to go forward as the votes had already been paid for.

A Katie Hopkins tweet is a lot like an episode of ‘Game of Thrones’. There are about 140 characters and something unimaginably awful happens.

New health warnings are issued after scientists reveal that there are “up to four teaspoons of sugar” in two dessertspoons of sugar.

The Tories consider limiting child benefit to three children. The three children have yet to be named but are believed to live in Surrey.

The FA threatens to boycott the 2018 World Cup finals in the time-honoured fashion of turning up, losing three games and getting back on the plane.

by **Ivan** Thu Jun 04, 2015 7:45 am

Changing a school to an academy is no guarantee that it'll improve. If I give my Lada to a rich neighbour, will it become a Lexus?

Sepp Blatter has fallen on his sword; it's a solid gold, diamond-encrusted one that was a gift from the Qatari government.

"In July, Osborne will lay out an emergency budget to deal with the enormous £90bn deficit he inherited from himself." (Aditya Chakrabortty)

You know you're of a certain age when you hear of the charges against FIFA’s Jack Warner and immediately think of George Dixon.

Parents can hold any opinion they want, as long as it's the one shared by Nicky Morgan.

"I spent a lot of money on booze, birds and fast cars – the rest I just squandered." (George Best)

The English FA consider boycotting the World Cup in Russia in 2018 and hosting its own tournament, for which we would then fail to qualify.

Cameron has retained his AAA rating for being a patronising sod and completely avoiding the questions at PMQs.

“I wonder which Labour leadership candidate will say the party must embrace global corruption, as Sepp Blatter proves this is the way to win elections?” (Mark Steel)

A nice thought is that if King William of Orange returned to Ireland today, he could get married to the man he loved.

Cameron to Blatter in 2011: "You have done a huge amount for football. Decisions you made have been instrumental in taking the game to new heights".

by **Ivan** Sat Jun 06, 2015 11:08 am

Cameron says “a day spent in a failing school is a day too long”. Therefore he will not be visiting any failing schools in the foreseeable future.

Prince Harry has been knighted. That must be rather like sticking a fiver in Bill Gates’ birthday card.

The rest of Royal Mail is to be sold off. Osborne's best man must have run out of money.

Cameron is lecturing the rest of the world about corruption! What's next? King Herod on child care, or George Best on the dangers of alcohol?

Rupert Murdoch advises FIFA to simply shut down and re-open in a couple of months as ‘The FIFA On Sunday’.

Pleased to hear that Farage was at the BBC today. He needs to sign a leaving card for Keith in accounts and his lottery money is due.

Tories to sell Royal Mail stake for £1.5 billion now, before the value drops when there are no more benefit cheques to send out.

Perhaps Cameron could ask HSBC, News International or Osborne's best man to sponsor a conference to look into corruption?

The site which predicts whether you'll die in the next five years ought to ask: "Are you helping to build a football stadium in Qatar?"

No doubt the Tory press already has an article written to say that Labour has made the wrong choice of leader. It justs needs the name of the winner inserted.

by **Ivan** Tue Jun 09, 2015 11:26 pm

As it announces its cost-saving strategy that will result in many ‘High Street Branch Closures’, people suddenly realise what HSBC stands for.

US conservatives are really aggravated at Obama for reportedly not having a plan to clean up Bush's unplanned mess.

Great news that Andy Coulson has been acquitted. I've left him a message of congratulations on Tommy Sheridan's mobile phone.

A portrait of Prince George has been issued. Perhaps it can be tacked up in every foodbank to give poor kids something to which to aspire.

“Every time I hear Wagner, I am overcome with the urge to invade Poland.” (Woody Allen)

UKIP tip - the theory of relativity has nothing to do with which aunts and uncles you invite round for Christmas.

It’s strange that no one describes the behaviour of HSBC as "holding the country to ransom".

Kate Moss was escorted from a plane for ‘being disruptive’. She just kept walking down the aisle, turning round and walking back again.

Favourite 'tweets' - Page 8 CG_HWTFXIAA4eAl

Favourite 'tweets' - Page 8 CG_HWTFXIAA4eAl

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by boatlady Wed Jun 10, 2015 9:41 am

Love the Twitter exam

by **Ivan** Fri Jun 12, 2015 10:06 pm

There has been corruption in Tower Hamlets, but the last thing we need are lectures from Tories on the subject, even if it is their speciality.

Woman arrested for stripping on sacred Malaysian mountain said to be “scared and upset”, as Peter Stringfellow asks for her number.

Report shows UK trains are “the safest in Europe”, thanks to low speeds, regular cancellations, and the 'cushioning effect' of severe overcrowding.

Was Kate Moss escorted off an Easyjet flight after a misunderstanding over the “ludicrous price of coke on board”?

Just imagine the headlines on HSBC had Labour won the election. 'Red Ed' would have been made personally responsible for driving the bank away.

MPs are to debate votes for 16-year-olds. “Most of them have very little idea about politics”, said a 16-year-old.

Air Malaysia plane involved in an emergency landing. Fire may have been caused by “reflection of sun from pasty white bodies on mountain top”.

Tories are promising that they would "clean up" in Tower Hamlets. No doubt in the same way that their donors have with so many state assets.

by oftenwrong Sun Jun 21, 2015 12:04 am

by oftenwrong Sun Jun 21, 2015 12:23 am

'Austerity is a cover for deepening inequality' - @jeremycorbyn

by **Ivan** Fri Jul 03, 2015 10:34 pm

"Heathrow expansion is not going ahead - no ifs, no buts." (Cameron, 2009)
“I did not rule out maybes, perhapses and whatevers.” (Cameron, 2015)

Radicalisation in schools is a big issue. Teachers at Eton should be picking up on emerging psychopathy.

So Jeremy Hunt is wearing his NHS badge again. In other news, lions are now wearing Antelope Protection Society badges.

Google to add 'unsend' function to Gmail, following successful pilot with their UK tax return.

At Westminster word comes through Boris Johnson has decided to site the third runway in a field next to Witney.

Relative poverty is at its lowest since the 1980s say Tories. It's certainly true that the poverty of their relatives is non existent.

Tories shelve upgrades to railway lines in the north of England due to cost and the election being over.

Decision to serve banking customers alphabetically is “fair and just”, says Greek finance minister Aaaanis Aaavaroufakis.

Calls for the RAF to “bomb ISIS back to the Middle Ages” are thwarted by them already being there.

Why not cut out the middle man and just allow millionaires to take money off the disabled and poor in the street?

Why doesn't Hunt replace his NHS badge with one the size of a dinner plate showing his salary and expenses?

I guess the anti-Heathrow expansion people knew they'd lost the moment Cameron pledged there'd never be a third runway there.

Donald Trump critics ask how a rich, out of touch buffoon with stupid hair could ever run a country. Boris Johnson was unavailable for comment.

France reveals British car and van drivers are the second largest people smugglers. Immigrants found in boots explain: “Still more leg room than Ryanair”.

Survey shows fee increase leads to students picking degrees “more linked to jobs”. Universities respond by replacing ‘MSc’s with ‘McD’s.

"Cameron's in a holding pattern above Heathrow and Boris won't let him land." (Harriet Harman)

Apple pressured into coughing up for live streaming by Taylor Swift who, according to recent videos, can barely afford clothes.

Islamic State responds to police plan to block their accounts on Twitter by launching IStagram.

Greek euro exit looking likely despite talks to avoid making a drachma out of a crisis.

Following the example of IDS and the abolition of child poverty targets, Eric Pickles has thrown out his bathroom scales and cured his obesity.

by boatlady Fri Jul 03, 2015 11:20 pm

Nice to have you back, Ivan

by **Ivan** Fri Jul 10, 2015 11:27 pm

The last person to do a budget like this was the Sheriff of Nottingham.

Angela Merkel tells Alexis Tsipras that “the door is still open for debt negotiations”, although the price of entry is €1.6bn.

Happy Independence Day, USA. Though admit it, since independence and not being able to use the pound, you've struggled. (Better Together?)

Osborne denies there is a lack of brownfield sites for new buildings by pointing out that fracking will soon brown up the greenfield ones.

By limiting benefits to two children only, does that mean we no longer have to pay for Andrew and Edward?

In good news, Tsipras says Greece is “close to the light at the end of the tunnel”. In bad news, it's Angela Merkel holding a flame-thrower.

‘Daily Mail’ leads on pills being too tough to swallow, then provides over 20 pages of similarly unpalatable opinions.

Osborne tip for Greece - make all your people instantly better off by changing the words "minimum wage" to "living wage".

After hearing he's been accused of stealing water for his garden during the California drought, Fox News denounces Tom Selleck as an illegal irrigant.

George Osborne is to announce an extension of Sunday trading hours. Additional staff costs are to be funded by the BBC.

Favourite 'tweets' - Page 8 CJbFwoEWsAAtyTL

Favourite 'tweets' - Page 8 CJbFwoEWsAAtyTL

https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CJbFwoEWsAAtyTL.jpg

by **Ivan** Thu Jul 16, 2015 11:07 pm

Tim Farron tells Lib Dem MPs that “the party is on the way up”, after meeting all of the other seven in a lift.

Will Jeremy Hunt press ahead with seven-day working for doctors now, or when Parliament returns from its recess in October?

Osborne was looking a bit pasty and spaced-out again at PMQs. Has he misunderstood the phrase "the line to take"?

Our 'one-nation' Tories are now at war with consultants, unions and the BBC, in addition to ongoing battles with the SNP, the EU and benefit claimants.

"Freedom to stand for everything you believe in is fine, but not at the expense of ever holding power to implement anything." (Polly Toynbee)

Raheem Sterling has inspired thousands of young people, after negotiating £200k per week on a zero hours contract.

"The two-child limit on tax credits is a regression to the days of Mao Tse-Tung and King Herod." (Andy McDonald MP)

Strike action, foxes, the BBC, Europe, migrant benefits - the Tory ability to identify things that are not problems and then attack them.

Images from the Pluto fly-by confirm that it's a remote, barren planet and is now odds-on to be awarded a World Cup by FIFA.

"There's nothing grubby about wanting to win elections: you can't change people's lives from second place." (Tim Farron)

Cameron is so against the pay rise for MPs that he's accepted it in full.

One can only imagine the disappointment of the men and women denied the fun of witnessing an animal ripped apart.

Be honest, the Tories want to restrict the BBC to making those programmes which their mate Murdoch doesn't think are profitable.

Yes, but apart from the comedy and dramas and news and sport and documentaries and kids TV and radio etc, what's the BBC ever done for us?

“It's taken 35 years but I've finally shifted those three water cannons to some blonde, bumbling geezer.”

Favourite 'tweets' - Page 8 CJ9YHE8WcAAKioB

Favourite 'tweets' - Page 8 CJ9YHE8WcAAKioB

https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CJ9YHE8WcAAKioB.jpg

by **Ivan** Mon Jul 20, 2015 11:06 pm

It’s ironic that 'hard left' Corbyn is the only candidate prepared to defend the New Labour achievement of taking 800,000 children out of poverty.

“My advice to David Cameron - to eliminate 'poisoning young minds', stop sending them to places like Eton.” (Sonia Poulton)

Philip Windsor asks community women who they sponge off - a perfectly legitimate question from someone with 94 years of sponging experience.

The real extremist problem in this world is out of control, neoliberal capitalism.

Medical experts warn of the need to reduce UK sugar consumption by 50%. Tories respond by making BBC halve the length of ‘The Apprentice’.

Doctors told that working at weekends is so reasonable that even Raheem Sterling is hoping to do it occasionally.

‘Extremism’ – does that include bombing other countries without parliamentary consent, Mr Cameron?

Ironic that the right-wing bigot Janet Daley sees the NHS funding model as "an anachronism". If anything belongs in an earlier age, it's her.

David Cameron welcomes 'inspirational' BBC letter from Daniel Craig by turning his licence to kill into more of a subscription model.

I do feel sorry for Adam Lyth, who got himself out at Lord's when he was just 93 runs short of a century.

by oftenwrong Fri Jul 24, 2015 10:36 pm

Favourite 'tweets' - Page 8 CKsKs_VUAAQMKnn

http://t.co/tErzEmwRbG

by boatlady Fri Jul 24, 2015 11:15 pm

Yeah!! Just got a parking ticket yesterday - still smarting
lol!

by oftenwrong Sat Jul 25, 2015 7:49 pm

http://www.moneysavingexpert.com/reclaim/parking-ticket-appeals

by boatlady Sat Jul 25, 2015 9:09 pm

But I WAS in the wrong - just paid up quickly and got the discount

by **Ivan** Sat Jul 25, 2015 10:54 pm

President Obama says "Africa is on the move". I think Italian coastguards noticed that some time ago.

"What is ambition? Is it to control things, or to change things?" (Jeremy Corbyn)

TRAFFIC ADVICE: To get home faster, car drivers stranded in Calais are advised to abandon their vehicles and climb in the back of a lorry.

After hiring Toshiba accountants, George Osborne is confident about his plan to find an extra £20 billion.

NASA discovers ‘Earth 2.0’. Tech support will be provided for Earth 1.0 for the next 12 months, at which point it will become obsolete.

'Extremist' Jeremy Corbyn would return utilities and railways to public ownership - a policy which even the Tories accepted until the 1980s.

Andy Burnham tells Labour supporters the party needs to pull in one direction, and so he has phoned Harry Styles for advice.

England cricket selectors call up Jonny Bairstow in a desperate attempt to stop Yorkshire from winning the County Championship.

Raised eyebrows among party activists as Tony Blair claims Jeremy Corbyn could destroy the Labour Party "within 45 minutes".

After his useless purchase of water cannons to control unruly mobs, Boris Johnson receives a surprise offer from Harriet Harman.

Osborne confirms the NHS will remain free at the point of entry, so he’s considering the introduction of steep ‘exit’ fees.

Microsoft issues financial statement: Error 404 - profit not found.

Following Scots poll, general election polls and Labour leadership poll, a survey reveals that 87% of voters no longer trust opinion polls.

Cameron: "It can't be right that children can grow up and not come into contact with people of other backgrounds". So is Eton being shut down?

"If people feel Jeremy Corbyn's election would be a reason to leave Labour, what were they doing in the party in the first place?" (Ken Livingstone)

by boatlady Sun Jul 26, 2015 9:22 am

Cameron: "It can't be right that children can grow up and not come into contact with people of other backgrounds". So is Eton being shut down?

Does he even listen to himself?

by oftenwrong Sun Jul 26, 2015 10:57 am

⠀☾ ‎@LayaliBaghdad_

If someone's dying next to you, ignore it. Because it's got nothing to do with you.
#GrowingUpInLondon 12:11 PM - 21 Jul 2015

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