Favourite 'tweets'

by **Ivan** Thu Jan 26, 2012 5:23 pm

First topic message reminder :

For those of us who use 'Twitter', I thought it might be worth having a thread to share some of the interesting tweets we come across. Here are three that I've read today:-

Nick Clegg says "families are at boiling point". Well you put the gas under them, Clegg!

When a man talks dirty to a woman its sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man its $3.95 a minute.

No income tax, no VAT
No points last week off Man City
The future’s grim, he's looking pale
Harry Redknapp’s off to jail.

by **Phil Hornby** Tue Sep 19, 2017 9:07 am

"...roughly £11.6m for every seat the Tories lost."

Worth every last penny...

by oftenwrong Tue Sep 19, 2017 5:44 pm

Amen to that. clown

by **Ivan** Wed Sep 20, 2017 12:12 am

If you asked Boris Johnson what day of the week it is, would you check his answer with somebody else or just assume that he was lying?

Jacob Rees-Mogg says Labour "refused to tell people about food banks". It‘s spun that he has integrity, but he's just like all Tory vermin.

Is quitting and running away from the chaos you've created taught at Eton? Cameron and Johnson seem to be experts.

Listening to a Donald Trump speech is like listening a 9-year-old kid at Mass struggling to read out a particularly hard bidding prayer.

Boris Johnson "could not live with" a Swiss-style version of Brexit. Yet only last year the charlatan couldn't live without the single market.

John Redwood has always struck me as a less appealing version of Uriah Heep, but without the 'umbleness.

Seems it's beginning to dawn on the Brexiters that a team of incompetents can't deliver the impossible.

“Boris Johnson’s comments about the ‘split allegiances’ of young people is odious 'cricket test' Tebbitry. Internationalism is not unpatriotic.” (Ed Miliband)

Impotent threats by international shouting magnate Donald Trump are dismissed as the twitchings of a dog licking its flea-riddled scrotum.

Don't be surprised if narcissist Boris Johnson resigns soon, so as to keep his hands clean of the Brexit excrement which he helped to create.

Jacob Rees-Mogg opposes abortion, even in the case of rape (including that of a minor). Does anyone really want such a bigot as PM?

Apparently Boris Johnson is right behind Theresa May, but don't mention the carving knife.

by **Ivan** Sat Sep 23, 2017 1:43 pm

"The Tory Party doesn't really do principle. It's more of a pitch by elite interests at what they think the public might buy." (Frankie Boyle)

May managed to pull off quite a feat in Florence; she actually left the room with even less credibility than when she entered it.

Kim Jong-un says that Donald Trump is "a mentally-deranged gangster". He clearly thinks they have a lot in common.

Why is May begging for a transitional deal if, as Tory Brexit boneheads keep saying, it will all be so wonderful once we're out of the EU?

Atlético Madrid say it took Diego Costa seventeen attempts to sign a contract, as he kept going over in the box.

"Pictures showed that May's speech at the UN was as sparsely attended as a one-woman Edinburgh fringe show about self-harm." (Marina Hyde)

A report says 1 in 7 GP surgeries have failed safety checks, with the other 6 being closed due to a lack of doctors.

Such irony – May, the dullest type of managerial politician, calling for “creativity” from those whom we have chosen to make our opponents.

Brexit - apart from not knowing the destination or the route, the journey is going really well.

I suspect most people feel more comfortable in the EU than Theresa May feels on Linthorpe Road in Middlesbrough.

"Michael Gove will simper around the Tory conference as a minister, looking like he could be taken out with a handful of salt." (Frankie Boyle)

If you think May made a breakthrough speech in Florence, can I introduce you to my friend? He's a Nigerian prince with loot in Lagos.

by **Ivan** Tue Sep 26, 2017 5:41 pm

3 million citizens without electricity or running water in Puerto Rico, but Trump is more concerned about whether you stand for an anthem.

A German AfD fascist is speaking at the UKIP conference in Torquay. If you attend you’re not a patriot; you’re the people we locked up in 1939.

“Where’s the money coming from? When the private sector expands, where does it get the money from? It borrows it.” (Dennis Skinner)

Trump is supposed to be POTUS. Can't he find more important things to occupy him than who kneels, sings or stands for the national anthem?

Mark Steel on Crystal Palace: "Our chances of winning the league are looking shaky."

AfD is claiming that it’s a young party founded "only 4 years ago". I'm pretty sure it was founded in 1920.

Dear Twitter: If threatening a country with nuclear annihilation doesn’t violate your usage policies, please just admit you don’t have any.

If it comes to a straight choice between Sir David Attenborough and Donald Trump over whether global warming is real, it’s not a tough call.

UKIP has always confused me: wrapped in the union flag, claiming to be oh-so-British, celebrating the war, while spouting the same views as Nazis.

Unlike Theresa May, Angela Merkel won't do a deal with right-wing bigots to stay in office.

If you think that kneeling NFL players are more disrespectful than marching Nazis, you should probably question your own self-respect.

"There is nothing patriotic about joyriding our economy off a cliff." (Keir Starmer)

by **Ivan** Fri Sep 29, 2017 1:25 pm

"Nothing is too putrid for Farage, from backing a homophobe running for senate to addressing far-right rallies in Germany." (Nesrine Malik)

Vince Cable says it’s possible that he could be the next PM. That’s about as likely as me becoming the next president of France.

“The Tories were unprepared for a snap general election”, says Theresa May, who called a snap general election.

Women in Saudi Arabia are given the right to drive, making it much easier to travel to their own stoning.

“Neoliberalism has waged war on our collective imagination, unable even to imagine a world outside its bleak confines.” (Naomi Klein)

Theresa May complains “there wasn’t enough debate” in the general election, after refusing to take part in TV debates.

Brexit is built on a fearsome alliance of arrogance, ignorance and nostalgia.

Donald Trump probably thinks Al Truism is some guy who Ivanka used to date.

“May moans about lack of debate or people coming together in GE? However, she just spoke to the Tory rent-a-crowd in hired rooms.” (Angela Rayner)

Why the lionising of Hugh Hefner? He was just a pornographer with a better quality camera.

Does UKIP really need its own conference? Couldn't it have just met in a side room at the gathering of its Tory soulmates in Manchester?

"’The Daily Mail’ wrote 14 pages of anti-Labour content pre-election. Labour vote went up 10%. Can we have 28 pages next time?" (Jeremy Corbyn)

by **Phil Hornby** Fri Sep 29, 2017 1:36 pm

" He was just a pornographer with a better quality camera."

Favourite 'tweets' - Page 21 Images?q=tbn:ANd9GcSwDlna-COxRiDjUE4cJRqedDGa89E9yW5DFfSajSP0mYah8BUt

Favourite 'tweets' - Page 21 Images?q=tbn:ANd9GcSwDlna-COxRiDjUE4cJRqedDGa89E9yW5DFfSajSP0mYah8BUt

(bbc)

" I have an excellent camera myself, but it's tricky taking snaps like that with one hand..."

by **Ivan** Sun Oct 01, 2017 2:08 pm

May throwing money at young people is "appealing to younger voters". When Corbyn promised free tuition it was “a bribe".

Glenn Hoddle commenting on football is like Hitler commenting on multiculturalism, clueless.

Theresa May wants to fight the next election. Why? She didn’t bother to fight the last one.

With Brexit, Britons will lose freedom of movement in 31 countries, EU citizens will lose it in 1. It’s like losing 31-1 at football.

Tories are rare beasts in and around Manchester. Local residents are probably curious as to what they look like.

Stop the blonde buffoon. We have Tweedledum behaving badly on one side of the pond, we don't need Tweedledee in charge here doing more of the same.

Not feeling too sure of yourself? Why not hold a conference in the city where trade unions were born? What could possibly go wrong?

Leaving the EU is like buying a car off the net. The pics look great, but it arrives with a wheel missing and an owl's nest under the bonnet.

If you’re disabled, on a zero hour contract or struggling on a minimum wage, cheer up - in five years Big Ben and Buck House will look great.

The Tories are behaving like people stuck in a lift and beginning to panic; they're just pressing every button, hoping one works.

Any UKIP members disappointed at the election of Henry Bolton as leader shouldn't get too disheartened. You'll get your turn soon.

Matthew Parris on Theresa May: "We are looking not at a government here, but at a hostage crisis."

by oftenwrong Sun Oct 01, 2017 5:38 pm

Highly amusing, unlike the Tory administration which plans to rule for the next five years.

by **Phil Hornby** Sun Oct 01, 2017 5:43 pm

Does a Tory administration ever contemplate anything but perpetual power...?

by **Ivan** Mon Oct 02, 2017 3:24 pm

“As a general rule foreign secretaries should not be egomaniacal, lying, puerile, disloyal, total twats. I suggest May finds a new one.” (Alastair Campbell)

Tories like Oliver Letwin shout "Venezuela" at Labour, but it's Germany that has recently abolished university tuition fees.

Liz Truss thinks job centres are exciting! Reality - places where folk are getting screwed over/sanctioned so Tories can lie about figures.

"There’s no vision in Brexit. Brexit is without upside, there are no benefits. Arguments used are platitudes." (Michael Heseltine)

Jeremy Corbyn was seen applauding Monarch’s downfall, before being informed it was the airline.

“If only Africa had more mosquito nets, then we could save millions of mosquitoes from dying of Aids.” (Jimmy Carr)

Listening to Philip Hammond has the excitement of a colour chart entirely made up of shades of magnolia.

"The fact that I'm on this stage is proof this government is committed to recycling." (Michael Gove)

O.J. Simpson is out of prison. Where can a 70-year-old delusional, self-involved, self-promoting, pathological narcissist find work? The White House?

"I'm not sure Arlene Foster would be comfortable being in a bed with me." (Ruth Davidson)

by **Ivan** Wed Oct 04, 2017 10:28 pm

Eddie Mair to Amber Rudd: “Do you think people want Bernard Manning as foreign secretary?”

Ryanair’s misery continues after discovering their pilots used up their holidays by going abroad with Monarch.

May keeps telling us the Tories "will create a nation that works for everyone". Why, after more than seven years, hasn't it been created?

“Chris Grayling is a politician with a track record that inspires as much confidence as a concrete lifebelt.” (Martin Shovel)

They had to bar the conference room doors before Philip Hammond's Tory conference speech - to stop anybody else leaving.

Boris Johnson and Jacob Rees-Mogg prepare for possible leadership bids in what’s being billed as ‘the poshest race since Chariots of Fire'.

For a better tomorrow, we're implored to vote Conservative. But with yesterday's men (and women) in office, tomorrow never comes.

Theresa May's conference speech was such a disaster that ISIS has claimed responsibility for it.

“A people that elect corrupt politicians, imposters, thieves and traitors are not victims but accomplices.” (George Orwell)

How can you say to an electorate that Labour’s policies won't work and then adopt them?

Trump boasts that the US economy “is roaring” after an upsurge in the production of NFL knee pads.

“Tory plan works out at around 15 houses being built in every local authority each year. So much for the 'new housing revolution'." (Tim Farron)

Boris Johnson telling us that May is a good leader only sounds like Mark Anthony saying that Brutus is honourable.

“We must defeat Labour dinosaurs”, says man whose party’s average member age is 72.

Theresa May’s ‘British Dream’ is what exactly? Poverty, foodbanks, homelessness, found fit for work only to drop dead?

“What's Theresa May going to do next, grow a beard and start an allotment?” (Eddie Mair)

by **Ivan** Sat Oct 07, 2017 12:06 am

It seems that the Tories can't replace the most useless prime minster in history because they have nobody better.

"Boris Johnson is an arsonist who wants to come back dressed as a fireman." (Ian Hislop)

As he’s accused of visiting disaster zones to avoid talking about gun control, Trump announces that he’ll visit the scene of Theresa May’s speech.

Ivory sales are to be banned in the UK, as David Davis goes to extreme lengths to get rid of Donald Tusk.

May learned what it is like to be without a voice, to be handed your P45 and told "'F' off". A bit like being a worker in Tory Britain.

When Boris Johnson was born in June 1964, number one in the UK charts at the time was 'It's Over' by Roy Orbison.

Theresa May welcomes the Royal Mail strike, as she's had enough of seeing letters dropping on her floor.

“Remember how David Cameron used to go on about 'broken Britain'? It seemed pretty well glued together until he got his hands on it.” (Tim Walker)

Republican leader says it’s premature to discuss gun policy, and we should wait until the investigation is complete before agreeing to do nothing.

The Tories announce that highlights of Theresa May’s conference speech will be available on their website as a free six-second download.

How could Grant Shapps only manage to find 30 self-centred, backstabbing, Machiavellian MPs in the Tory Party?

Damian Green is described as Theresa May’s staunchest supporter. What a depressing ambition: to be the sidekick to such mediocrity.

Brexit is like selling your Belgravia flat at 1973 prices to pay an advance to a Nigerian who emailed you to say you’ve inherited Windsor Castle.

Saw Edward Heath trending and wondered if he'd been approached to stand again for the Tory leadership, despite being dead.

Trump slams the ‘fake news’ over his Puerto Rico trip, after some outlets reported that he hit a double bogey on the 16th.

Let's pause a moment to admire the total success of David Cameron's plan to use the Brexit referendum to heal the divisions in the Tory Party.

Money talks in the Tory Party. The response of donors will have more to do with removing Theresa May than any plotting by Grant Shapps.

Damian Green: “An unfunny pillock pulling a prank should not be seen as a serious political event.” Was he talking about Boris Johnson?

“There were more U-turns from May at the Tory conference than are seen on ‘Top Gear’.” (Angela Rayner)

by oftenwrong Sat Oct 07, 2017 12:07 pm

Late entry, from today's Guardian:

"The zero-hours contract Prime Minister"
(John Crace)

by **Ivan** Sun Oct 08, 2017 9:55 am

“Britain faces a simple and inescapable choice – stability and strong government with me, or chaos with Ed Miliband.” (David Cameron, 4/5/2015)

Since puberty, Boris Johnson has been spouting asphalt to pave his way to power.

“I don't have to be disciplined to write. I have to be disciplined to do the cleaning.” (Maggie O'Farrell)

Disappointed political journalists expecting a Tory leadership contest look as though they're suffering from premature hack elation.

"The obvious reaction to hearing Grant Shapps say 'I have 30 names' is 'what's new, mate?'" (Marina Hyde)

Police have confirmed that the ‘Strictly Come Dancing’ incident involving Brendan Cole and Shirley Ballas was not terror-related.

"Andrea Leadsom was created by Nazi scientists as a response to Dame Vera Lynn." (Frankie Boyle)

Michael Gove says there’s no plot to oust the PM, Grant Shapps says there is. Well, they can’t both be lying – which must be a first.

“Lab 42%, Con 40%. Incredible, Tories deserve to be at 10%. Maybe they'll dip to 39% when they abolish weekends and accidentally nuke Sweden.” (John O’Farrell)

Sick of hearing "Boris is just being Boris”. Johnson is a bloke in his mid-50s in a vital job, not a Fox Terrier puppy.

“I wake up every morning and thank the Lord that in 2015 the country voted for stability and strength and not for chaos.” (David Schneider)

Woman arrested after trying to climb Buckingham Palace gates. Ma Windsor should remember to take her key next time she slips out to the pub.

by boatlady Sun Oct 08, 2017 7:58 pm

"Andrea Leadsom was created by Nazi scientists as a response to Dame Vera Lynn." (Frankie Boyle)

I've often wondered - she does seem somehow synthetic

by **Ivan** Wed Oct 11, 2017 7:34 pm

Boris Johnson and Donald Trump are two examples of what stupid people think a clever person looks like.

Some Tories want to expel Grant Shapps for disloyalty, yet they were quite happy for him to be a lying con man.

Ruth Davidson says Theresa May "is the best PM we've got". How profound! She forgot to add that May is probably the worst PM we've ever had.

Harvey Weinstein's wife has left him after finding out she's the only woman in Hollywood he hasn't tried it on with.

Liz Truss is walking proof of the fact that you can get by on zero talent if you know the right people.

“It has never been my style to hide from a challenge" says Theresa May. Really? Like her non-participation in the general election debates?

The Charge of the Brexit Brigade will be remembered as one of the greatest and most self-destructive follies in our history.

“Poverty is the parent of revolution and crime.” (Aristotle)

Hammond: "EU governments might act against their own self-interest." Which is of course something our Tory government would never do.

Shoving a wreath up against the Cenotaph doesn't constitute "leading the nation". The halfwit Prince Charles couldn't lead a dog for a walk.

Brexit has a lot in common with death. You can have a good death or a bad death, but you're still dead at the end of it.

One of the many telling metrics of this government is that Liz Truss is the chief secretary to the Treasury.

“Hello, is that ‘Sky’? This is Theresa. I'd like to cancel my subscription but still receive all your channels. The ball is in your court."

Harvey Weinstein advisers confirm that his career is over - unless he decides to stand for US president.

by **Ivan** Sat Oct 14, 2017 12:20 am

“If you order 28 beers in a bar and then suddenly some of your colleagues leave without paying, that is not feasible.” (Jean-Claude Juncker)

As the Harvey Weinstein scandal becomes international, investigators remain optimistic they'll eventually find a woman that he didn't harass.

The Queen allows Prince Charles to take on more royal duties, but only if he tidies his room and puts all the toys away.

Twitter punish Rose McGowan and tell her if she wants to keep her account she should threaten to kill millions in a nuclear holocaust.

“Before a man speaks, it is always safe to assume that he is a fool. After he speaks it is seldom necessary to assume.” (H.L.Mencken)

Asked how she would vote on Brexit now, May says she would do as before, despite 'Cock Everything Up' not being on the ballot paper.

"Rich people go to rehab for their 'demons', poor people go to prison." (Andy Hamilton)

If you slow a Donald Trump speech down to about 75%, he's indistinguishable from my drunk uncle Gary.

Please note that if you have an accident or an emergency, Jeremy Hunt doesn't want you to go to A&E without making an appointment.

"The world is a stage, but the play is badly cast." (Oscar Wilde)

by **Ivan** Tue Oct 17, 2017 11:57 pm

"Two men have been accused of near identical sexual assaults. One has been destroyed by the media, the other became president." (James O’Brien)

Gormless Chris Grayling says farmers can grow more food if there is no Brexit deal. Just a pity there won't be any immigrants to harvest it.

"Theresa May's total lack of charisma means she has to do about a dozen coughs to get her reflection to come to the mirror." (Frankie Boyle)

An understanding of Brexit - imagine a shopkeeper who tells all the people closest to his shop, and with whom he trades most, that he hates them.

“Everything the Conservative Party has inflicted upon us since 2015 has been done purely in pursuit of party advantage.” (Mitch Benn)

Can't believe Paul Nuttall wasn't shortlisted for the Man Booker Prize, after the stupendous amount of fiction he produced as UKIP leader.

According to the OECD, Brexit could cost the UK £40 billion by 2019 and £400 billion by 2030. Put that on the side of a bus.

Marie Antoinette: "Let them eat cake!"
Chris Grayling: "Let them grow their own food!"

Despite the OECD report, Philip Hammond says we're still leaving the EU. If he didn't say that, the rabid right would have him leaving his job.

“Brexit has given people permission to be racist.” (Doreen Lawrence)

Something large and unpleasant has approached the UK from across the Atlantic, but this time the Queen won’t be offering it a state visit.

"David Davis is a man who seems to suffer from the same lack of imagination as his parents." (Frankie Boyle)

by **Ivan** Thu Oct 19, 2017 6:29 pm

“Brexit Tories banging on about our sovereign Parliament, then running away from votes and ignoring Parliament’s decisions, are shameless frauds.” (Kevin Maguire)

Only question which interested most people about the reign of Carlos II in Spain was when it would end. Rather like Theresa May's premiership.

Owen Paterson says “nearly all trade around the world is done electronically”. In that case, can he download me some New Zealand lamb?

Brexit - dreamed up by simpletons, promoted by the delusional, implemented by incompetents and suffered by the many, not the few.

All Tory statements should be accompanied by a ‘bullshitometer’ rating.

Owen Paterson is on Radio 4, trying his hardest to make Tony Abbott look like an intellectual heavyweight.

If the Brits cannot be trusted to settle their past promises, why bother striking future deals?

The obsequious Damian Green will be remembered as the Maybot's poodle - if he's remembered for anything at all.

Owen Paterson has never been right about anything. Badgers don't move goalposts, and cars are not imported down a telephone line.

“When are Labour MPs going to start saying what needs to be said? This Brexit car crash can only be stopped by going into reverse.” (Alastair Campbell)

by **Ivan** Sat Oct 21, 2017 2:12 pm

“Theresa May is doing so well with Brexit that EU leaders are now more enthusiastic about meeting with Jeremy Corbyn.” (Mark Steel)

Meteorologists really should stop naming UK storms after the worst members of ‘Westlife’.

“Chris Grayling is the minister with arguably the strongest claim to be the Westminster village idiot.” (Marina Hyde)

As Iran threatens to “shred” the nuclear deal if the US withdraws, Trump is expected to respond after he’s finishing feuding with war widows.

Mandelson is right on a no-deal Brexit: “Is it a clever negotiating tactic to say ‘if I don't get what I want I'm going to blow my brains out’?”

Donald Trump will never tweet this fact, but more people died in the Las Vegas shooting than in terror attacks in the UK during this decade.

"I think people are coming round to the view that actually no Brexit would be better than no deal.” (Anna Soubry)

Speed limit through motorway road works could be increased. Better idea might be to increase the speed at which the road works are completed.

UK crime has risen by 13%, but Donald Trump will never tweet the fact that UK police numbers have been cut by more than 20,000 since 2010.

“Theresa May is ‘sticking it’ to Brussels, like a zebra sticking it to a lion pack.” (Marina Hyde)

George W Bush criticises the current state of US politics, despite Trump’s presidency making him look like Abraham Lincoln.

"May clings on, like the rust that stops an old car from collapsing, with each side of her party scared to give it too much of a push." (Mark Steel)

After reports that three-quarters of councils collect general waste only once a fortnight, Downing Street eagerly awaits the next collection.....

Favourite 'tweets' - Page 21 Boris_12

https://pbs.twimg.com/media/DLs7FiqW0AAWmmj.jpg

by oftenwrong Sat Oct 21, 2017 7:09 pm

"I'm comic, me". Lots of fun and completely harmless. No threat to anyone ...

by **Ivan** Tue Oct 24, 2017 2:35 pm

Tories on Twitter are marking World Tripe Day by posting even more of it than usual.

“Stalin blamed all Soviet problems on ‘saboteurs’ and ‘enemies of the people’. Sound familiar?” (David Schneider)

Police storm Nuneaton bowling alley after reports of a man playing in his own shoes.

So Debbie McGee, I wonder why a trained dancer such as yourself is getting such high scores on ‘Strictly Come Dancing’?

"Those who persuaded the Brits to vote for Brexit never explained to them what the costs would be" (Emmanuel Macron)

As minimum alcohol pricing is introduced to Wales, revellers fear they may have to face the trauma of remembering a night out in Cardiff.

“Maybe the Tories think they can deal with Europe in the same way they withhold money from their own citizens.” (Mark Steel)

Why so afraid of a second referendum? Never before in a democracy have the few been so determined to muffle the voice of the conned many.

“The best should be preferred by the majority and instead the populace chooses the worst.” (Seneca)

London introduces a charge on toxic vehicles, although sadly it's too late for one.

Favourite 'tweets' - Page 21 Brexit12

Source: Twitter

by **Ivan** Wed Oct 25, 2017 11:56 pm

David Davis thinks Czechoslovakia (dissolved in 1993) is still a country. Thank God he isn't anything to do with European politics.

Like a desperate person losing their fingertip grip on a cliff edge, Theresa May knows she’s going to fall but is trying to hold on.

“I wish I was religious, which I would be, if I could get over the fact that there is no God.” (Mark Steel)

The Tories constantly claim that they ‘make work pay’, but in reality they make the sick work until they pay with their lives.

I'm sure David Davis is looking forward to amazing trade deals with the Federal Republic of Yugoslavia.

The fault at the heart of BBC news is they think giving equal time to truth and lies is ‘balance’.

As a report says inefficient NHS operating rooms “waste two hours a day”, Jeremy Hunt calls for patients to sew themselves up.

“Absolutely sick of the government claiming that they 'make work pay', when 60% of Britons in poverty are in working families.” (Caroline Lucas)

As a fire chief calls for sprinklers in all schools, Chris Heaton-Harris asks if he can just check what they’re teaching about Brexit first.

David Davis is a clueless pub bore who is being asked to carry out the boasts he made at closing time last night.

by **Ivan** Sun Oct 29, 2017 12:16 am

Urgent measures are required after Defra minister Michael Gove suffers a new outbreak of foot in mouth disease on the ‘Today’ programme.

"Many voters are complacent about Jacob Rees-Mogg, maybe because they feel like any minute now he’ll be arrested by Poirot." (Frankie Boyle)

Donald Trump claims he has “one of the great memories of all time”, apart from when it comes to the location of his tax return.

How can it be an improvement to leave a family with 27 siblings to become Billy-no-mates with none?

“I’m a great admirer of Rupert Murdoch. He’s a force of nature, a phenomenon, he’s a great man.” (Michael Gove)

Theresa May reassures MPs that they’ll get a vote before Brexit, although it’s unclear whether they’ll opt for Johnson or Jacob Rees-Mogg.

BREAKING: Mark Garnier is planning to resign from Parliament and take up a new job as a 'secret shopper' for Ann Summers.

Michael Gove doesn’t mean to cause offence. It’s the only face he’s got.

“The secret of freedom lies in educating people, whereas the secret of tyranny is in keeping them ignorant.” (Maximilien Robespierre)

I've never seen tweeters so divided - between those who hate Michael Gove and those who loathe him.

Stephen Crabb and Mark Garnier won't be kicked out of Parliament unless May finds money to bribe a second party to prop up her rancid regime.

"The Tories are at pains to make sure that Brexit is being done by the book; sadly, that book is 'Lord of the Flies'." (Frankie Boyle)

by **Ivan** Thu Nov 02, 2017 12:28 am

Michael Fallon says he resigned because his past behaviour may have fallen short. No, he resigned because he's been found out.

“So, Donald Trump, how’s that whole firing James Comey to shut down the Russia investigation working out for you?” (David Schneider)

Andrea Leadsom pledges support for Westminster sexual misconduct victims, even if they don’t have children.

Former minister Michael Fallon is the “safe pair of hands” who will now have more time on his hands in which to keep his hands to himself.

Electoral Commission is to investigate Arron Banks’ Brexit donations. Could it also investigate why he has a haircut like a 1973 Division 2 footballer?

John Redwood says he doesn't understand claims that Brexit will cause lorry queues at Dover: "Does that mean they'll be queueing in the sea?"

“Michael Fallon was our Comical Ali, willing to swear that day was night and black was white.” (Polly Toynbee)

How do people like Andrea Leadsom with so little ability have so much self-confidence? It's baffling.

When asked for evidence that Brexit negotiations have accelerated, David Davis said: "Accelerate can be interpreted in more ways than one".

Jacob Rees-Mogg should be the new defence secretary. No one knows more about using a musket or the cavalry.

For a ‘Daily Mail’ journalist, Sarah Vine (Mrs Gove), to describe the exposure of Tory sleaze as a “witch hunt” is beyond satire.

“If Sir Michael Fallon’s behaviour has fallen short of that expected of his job, has it also fallen short of that expected by his knighthood?” (Krishnan Guru-Murthy‏)

If Andrea Leadsom was chair of your local residents’ association you'd still be thinking, "Wow, she's out of her depth".

"We have one of the more ghoulish cabinets in recent history, packed with figures who can go out on Halloween as themselves" (Frankie Boyle)

Michael Fallon always has the disappointed look of a funeral director getting news that a potential wealthy client has just recovered.

by oftenwrong Thu Nov 02, 2017 7:40 pm

It's truly encouraging that we can still find something to laugh about in this hapless administration.

In actual "News" the Irish Government announces independent plans to deal with any failure of Brexit negotiations. What do they know that we haven't been told yet?

by **Ivan** Fri Nov 03, 2017 11:11 pm

Theresa May went from being considered an early Margaret Thatcher to a latter day John Major in just six months.

"I don't very much believe in the stick. But it's amazing what can be achieved with a sharpened carrot." (Gavin Williamson)

Religious nut Stephen Crabb should forget about homosexuality and concentrate on whether harassment and infidelity can be "cured".

The Trump Twitter account is deactivated by a staff member who went rogue and observed Twitter's terms and conditions on abusive tweets.

Theresa May is a hypocrite and a self-serving liar, clutching desperately at power but ignorant of what to do with it.

How can Gavin Williamson protect the UK as defence secretary when he couldn’t even protect women in Parliament?

“At least the cabin crew aren’t in Halloween fancy dress. Never a good idea to welcome nervous flyers dressed as the Grim Reaper.” (John O’Farrell)

May says a Brexit deal over EU citizens is “within touching distance”, but she warns certain male colleagues not to get any ideas.

How money talks! A billion reasons why the DUP, the party of religious bigots, continues to prop up the depraved, cruel and sleazy Tories.

Congratulations to Gavin Williamson. He's now in the perfect position to become the next ‘disgraced former defence secretary’.

Dover won't need an MP to replace Charlie Elphicke when it becomes just a giant lorry park post-Brexit.

Everton FC is looking for a person who might know something about defence and who could tell the fans where to warm their hands on cold days.

Favourite 'tweets' - Page 21 Fallon10

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by **Ivan** Mon Nov 06, 2017 11:49 am

You only had to watch a little of ‘Paradise Papers’ to realise why the elite will do anything they can to keep Jeremy Corbyn out of government.

“I learned one of those odd laws of numbers from ‘HIGNFY’ tonight - Jo Brand is marvellous by the exact amount that Quentin Letts is repellent.” (Mark Steel)

The Kevin Spacey scandal shows that a pretend president is held to a higher standard than a real one.

An entire class of people have been ripping us all off for generations. Guess what - it's not single mothers or immigrants.

“When even the Queen's estate is treacherously smuggling money out of the country, the Establishment is revealed as rotten from top to toe.” (George Monbiot)

Rumour has it that some of the 'extreme pornography' said to be on Damian Green's laptop is of Theresa May running through a wheat field.

Next time you hear that a so-called 'royal' is "leading the nation" in something or other, remember what it actually is – in using tax havens.

“Patriotic isn't about a poppy. Patriotic is about paying your taxes so your country can educate its children and care for its elderly.” (Jo Maugham QC)

by oftenwrong Mon Nov 06, 2017 7:13 pm

"The Kevin Spacey scandal shows that a pretend president is held to a higher standard than a real one."

Also demonstrating the determination of our self-appointed rulers to squash any whiff of dissent from among the chattering classes.

by **Ivan** Wed Nov 08, 2017 12:13 am

Is it possible for the UK government to show more contempt for the rest of the world than by having Boris Johnson as its foreign secretary?

Ban on public use of fireworks will actually increase use and make the country less safe, claim politicians funded by pro-firework lobby.

“Hysterical of Grayling to accuse rail unions of trying to bring down the government when Tories such as Johnson and Patel are doing the job themselves.” (Kevin Maguire)

David Davis refusing to release the Brexit impact studies is akin to a drug dealer not telling you your ecstasy is really drain cleaner.

The full title of the trade secretary has now been expanded to the first disgraced former defence secretary, Liam Fox.

“How much more do we have to endure from a foreign secretary who's achieved nothing in office and caused untold damage?” (Keir Starmer)

Prince Charles is notorious for poking his nose into every bloody thing but not, we're assured, his own investments.

Mealy-mouthed Liam Fox says chlorinated chicken is safe, but he forgets to mention why the EU banned it.

“I sympathise with Priti Patel. When I was 12 our holiday in Bognor was spoilt when we bumped into Menachem Begin and couldn't get rid of him.” (Mark Steel)

Our chalet in Great Yarmouth in 1982 turned out to be right next door to the Ayatollah Khomeini's. Now that dude could party!

by **Ivan** Thu Nov 09, 2017 12:01 pm

Priti Patel resigns to spend more time with her family. In Israel.

Theresa May’s government is like the Agatha Christie novel ‘And Then There Were None’.

I hope Boris Johnson doesn't forget to buy a lottery ticket this week. He's on an incredible run of good luck.

Theresa May calls for a culture in which people can feel safe and secure at work, if only she could remember what that's like.

Apple accused of dodging tax on £252 billion, or four iPhone Xs.

"The waxwork of Theresa May unveiled in Madame Tussauds looks more strong and stable – indeed, more human – than she does." (Suzanne Moore)

The only danger Boris Johnson has ever faced has been the possibility of choking from too many silver spoons at birth.

Stokes unavailable, Finn, Moeen Ali and now Ball injured - England's Ashes tour is threatening to be as big a disaster as Theresa May's government.

If and when this Tory government collapses, how will we be able to tell?

“What jollities will the Conservatives have for us today? My money's on Philip Hammond caught on film running a dog-fighting gang in the New Forest.” (Mark Steel)

by **Ivan** Sat Nov 11, 2017 11:38 pm

In future, some of the tweets saved here will be longer, since Twitter now allows 280 characters instead of 140. Personally, I disapprove of the change; the 140 character limit encouraged tweeters to be succinct, and it was usually sufficient for anyone to decide if they wished to continue to engage with Tory liars, Brexit boneheads and fans of Donald Trump.

A woman from Hull is to go on trial for taking a prescription drug into Egypt. Can we now expect rent-a-gob Boris Johnson to open his fat trap and make her situation worse?

Theresa May writing a Brexit date into law is about as smart as chaining us all to a bomb to give us confidence that she can defuse it in time.

Nick Robinson opines that the Queen hasn't offshored her cash to avoid paying tax. So why has she done it then, to give it a bloody tan?

John Bercow confirms that Donald Trump cannot address Parliament, effectively sending him to Covfefe.

"Do we want money to go to our schools and hospitals? Or do we want to shovel money into the pockets of people who already have plenty?" (Aditya Chakrabortty)

Those viewers outraged at a British Muslim family appearing in Tesco's Christmas advert say they'd prefer more traditional Christian symbolism, such as talking carrots or Paddington Bear.

“We will not tolerate attempts to slow down Brexit” says the PM whose government still hasn't published a detailed Brexit plan since the UK voted to leave over 500 days ago.

Great unsolved mysteries:-
Who was Jack the Ripper?
What happened to Lord Lucan?
How does Boris Johnson sleep at night?

“In this week’s ‘Helping The Just About Managing’, homelessness rises 13% in a year, just in time for Brexit to make us poorer.” (David Schneider)

Armistice Day reminds us that from a continent ravaged by war to a union with strong common values, Europe and the EU have achieved something unique.

by **Ivan** Mon Nov 13, 2017 11:38 pm

David Davis' latest unmissable offer: you'll get a vote on hanging, but if you reject it the firing squad awaits.

Plans for a Tory advent calendar have been scrapped after Boris Johnson got involved and added another month.

Theresa May is like a car assembly robot that keeps missing its mark but no one can turn off.

“My advice for Jeremy Corbyn is not to take my advice.” (Gordon Brown)

Michael Gove and Boris Johnson deny their letter to Theresa May was ‘Orwellian’ and will report the unperson who said that to the Thinkpol.

Iain Duncan Smith’s mouth is like a raw sewage outlet.

Brexit in a nutshell - inventor James Dyson says the UK should opt for 'no deal' then cut workers’ rights and get rid of corporation tax.

Why didn't the DUP demand that Theresa May gave Harry Kane to Northern Ireland for the afternoon? She'd have gone along with it.

The Iran earthquake has claimed the lives of more than 400 people. It takes the genial regime in the country around three months to hang that many of its citizens.

“Great news! Parliament to get to vote on whether stable door should be locked, but could be after the horse has bolted.” (David Schneider)

The behaviour of Patel, Johnson and Gove shows that Theresa May has less power than a broken light bulb.

Emily Thornberry was sacked three years ago for posting a picture of a house and white van on Twitter, yet Boris Johnson can make gaffe after gaffe and stay in a senior cabinet role.

by **Ivan** Thu Nov 16, 2017 11:30 pm

Italy miss out on the World Cup, giving England a wider selection of smaller nations to lose to in the second round.

“We need better scrutiny of Brexit”, say MPs who gave the government a majority of 384 to trigger Article 50 without scrutinising it.

Owen Jones says we should all be working a four-day week. Unfortunately, David Davis would never accept such an increase in his hours.

After a study suggests the world's richest 1% have as much wealth as the bottom 50%, the trickle in ‘trickle-down’ theory is officially renamed ‘piss-on’.

Donald Trump reverses the ban on trade in hunting trophies, meaning it's now easier for a dead elephant to enter the US than a Muslim.

Boris Johnson has promised "to leave no stone unturned". Hopefully his next move will be to crawl back under one.

Zimbabwean army is forced to guarantee Robert Mugabe’s safety, after a huge outcry from the World Health Organisation.

“A Corbyn government would be a disaster for Northern Ireland because of bias”, says woman who took £1 billion from this Tory government to prove how unbiased they were.

When will more people wake up and realise that the Tory agenda is to reduce by stealth our living standards and workplace rights until the UK is "competitive" with Third World sweatshop nations?

“Suspicious object” at ‘The Daily Mail’ offices has been identified as a piece of factual journalism.

by **Ivan** Sat Nov 18, 2017 12:38 am

The sheer, galling nerve of David Davis telling the EU that "putting politics above prosperity is never a smart choice”. My hypocrisy detector has just exploded.

Forbes lists the 600 most influential under-30s in the world and suggests that some of them may even be able to afford a house soon.

David Davis’ call for co-operation in the interests of mutual prosperity was met with an obvious first question from a German journalist: “If that is what you want, why are you leaving?”

Theresa May is now banging on about about fake news. I can give her 350 million reasons a week why she should sack Boris Johnson and Michael Gove.

If David Davis had an overdraft, he'd probably expect the bank manager to "compromise" over the amount he was expected to pay back.

Brexiters, whose ‘patriotism’ is just a fig leaf for bigotry, frequently call Remainers "traitors". However, I haven't heard them complaining about Russia's involvement in facilitating this impending act of national suicide.

David Davis likes to tell staff he's “a big picture guy”. That’s a euphemism for “I don't understand details and can't be bothered with them”.

“Norway and Britain both discovered oil in the North Sea. Now they have a sovereign wealth fund and we have a massive national debt. The difference between a socially motivated economy and a neoliberal one.” (Molly Scott Cato)

What made ‘Dad’s Army’ funny was that Captain Mainwaring was so pompous he didn't know how stupid he was. Sadly that also applies to David Davis.

I was hoping that ‘Children In Need’ would have a different format this year, where celebs and royals could ring in and pledge to pay their taxes.

by **Ivan** Sun Nov 19, 2017 5:35 pm

Anthony King and Ivor Crewe have written a book called ‘The blunders of our governments’. Theresa May must have read it and seen it not as a warning but as a challenge.

Someone on Facebook has commented on a Greggs’ advent calendar post pointing out that ‘Lord Jesus’ backwards is ‘Susejd rol’.

Imagine if Ireland voted to leave the EU and spent months lambasting the British for not coming up with plans to create an invisible but 100% secure border.

"If the government has no intention of using Brexit to undermine workers’ rights, why are ministers not willing to accept amendments making that explicit?" (Ken Clarke)

Congratulations to Crystal Palace on equalling a club record by going one game without defeat.

Trump on the hunting of elephants: “There are bad guys on both sides.”

7 years ago the Liberal Democrats rocked up on a coach at Tory HQ. 5 years later the Tories ordered them a taxi.

There is no reason to have an account in a tax haven other than to avoid tax. We don’t need government lickspittles and royal sycophants pretending otherwise.

Philip Hammond: “Nobody would be in politics if they didn’t have a desire to change people’s lives for the better.” Only their own in the case of most Tory MPs.

We are doomed. Post Brexit there will be a bonfire of workers’ rights on which we can barbecue chlorine-washed chicken.

As Robert Mugabe makes his first public appearance since the army takeover in Zimbabwe, Kettering Council admit that he was an odd choice to turn on their Christmas lights.

Richard Ratcliffe: "The foreign office’s advice is: stay away from politics." If only the foreign secretary would do just that.

by **Ivan** Thu Nov 23, 2017 9:26 am

President Mugabe resigns in order to finally clear the way for a new era of corruption and vicious power struggles.

“How utterly pathetic that the ‘winning’ side of the EU referendum continues to blame the ‘losing’ side for the fact that the thing they ‘won’ has turned out to be precisely the towering bonfire of shit that we tried to warn them it would be.” (Mitch Benn)

Ironic that John Humphrys should interrupt Gordon Brown when he's talking about how politicians are never given enough time to express themselves properly in the media.

“If we allow ourselves to be defined as a narrow party of nostalgia, hard Brexit, public sector austerity and lazy privilege, we risk alienating ourselves from an entire new generation of voters.” (George Freeman, former policy chief for Theresa May)

Philip Hammond retracts the Tory pledge for 300,000 new homes after he realises there aren't any homeless people in the UK.

“As part of the Brexit bill, the Tories have voted that animals can’t feel pain. This also applies to those on a low wage or unemployed, poor, disabled, ill, elderly, vulnerable or homeless.” (David Schneider)

The 1956 Suez crisis was the moment Britain had to wake up to the fact that it was no longer the force it once was. The November 2017 budget was its economic equivalent.

“To find out who rules over you, simply find out who you are not allowed to criticise.” (Voltaire)

Russian spokesman denies that a radioactive leak is causing widespread danger. His other head refused to comment.

“Quite an achievement for an open economy like UK to be slashing growth forecasts when the global economy enjoying its most synchronised recovery since 2007 and our biggest trading partner is seeing its best growth in a decade.” (Stephanie Flanders)

by **Ivan** Sat Nov 25, 2017 12:44 am

First-time homebuyers will no longer have to pay stamp duty on the first £300k, which is great news for Londoners looking to replace their garden shed.

“Are there any academics out there carrying out research to compare the level of deceit on Remain and Leave sides during the EU referendum? I’m sick of being put on a par with a Kremlin bot.” (Molly Scott Cato)

Strange that to a US Republican a ‘pro-life’ position is not consistent with support for universal healthcare, gun control and addressing climate change.

I would have thought Brexit supporters would be glad we’re no longer eligible for the European Capital of Culture. They’re not keen on either Europe or culture.

“If you borrow to invest, you grow the economy. On that basis, you put more people to work, with more skills, higher wages, they pay more taxes and it pays for itself.” (John McDonnell)

Everton chairman Bill Kenwright is tipped to take over Brexit negotiations after showing it’s possible to spend £135m and exit Europe within three months.

European Capital of Culture - how have we even got the cheek to apply for it in 2023? That’s a bit like complaining about not being eligible for employee of the month once you have handed in your notice.

“What have the Brextremists ever done for us? Apart from devaluing the £, landing us with a 40bn euro bill, destabilising Northern Ireland, and losing two European HQs, our place on the ICJ and passporting rights for the City.” (Alastair Campbell)

Black Friday was nearly cancelled in the US after Donald Trump misunderstood the term.

Why doesn’t Theresa May just appoint Rupert Murdoch into the cabinet and dispense with his bag carrier Gove?

“UK cities being disqualified from the European Capital of Culture is not the EU being “vindictive”; it’s just one more example of something the Brexiters hadn’t thought of.” (Mitch Benn)

Such irony: Michael Portillo describes Angela Merkel as “arrogant” for wanting to continue as chancellor despite losing seats in the German general election.

‘The Daily Mirror’ has called the budget “backdoor cruelty”. I think that’s the name of one of the films on Damian Green's computer.

Theresa May tries to warn EU leaders away from "hostile states like Russia" when there are nice countries like Saudi Arabia they could be trading with.

"Black Friday is a corporate device to persuade you to buy things you don’t need with money you don’t have to impress people you don’t like.” (Molly Scott Cato)

by **Ivan** Thu Nov 30, 2017 12:57 am

Damian Green defends the killing of 150,000 children in Yemen on the basis of not doing so would cost some jobs here in the UK.

It’s getting towards that time of the year when Chris Rea thinks about buying a bottle of screen wash the next time he's in Halfords.

“If the majority of people going to food banks are in work, how can we say the economy is supporting a just society?” (Justin Welby)

David Davis has been rumbled. He’s the political equivalent of when Bart Simpson was pretending to go to karate lessons.

Jeremy Corbyn is a threat to the economy, claims an investment bank partly responsible for the sub-prime mortgage crisis and the ensuing global financial crash.

More royal wedding details are expected as soon as the Tory government decides what it would like to distract attention from next.

Haven't seen anyone give up as easily as West Ham did against Everton since Nigel Farage attempted ‘Dry January’.

How can MPs debate on 58 Brexit reports full of redactions? That’s like being asked to watch a play with the theatre curtains shut and then told to take an exam on it!

The UK’s housing market passes the £6 trillion mark for the first time after David Cameron buys another shed.

“Trump has legitimised the far right in his own country, now he’s trying to do it in ours. Spreading hatred has consequences and the president should be ashamed of himself.” (Brendan Cox)

by oftenwrong Thu Nov 30, 2017 10:35 am

Today's twitter poll: How would you feel about the idea of US President @realDonaldTrump coming on an official visit to the UK?

8%Delighted
15%Accepting
21%A bit uncomfortable
56%Horrified

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