Favourite 'tweets'

by **Ivan** Thu Jan 26, 2012 5:23 pm

First topic message reminder :

For those of us who use 'Twitter', I thought it might be worth having a thread to share some of the interesting tweets we come across. Here are three that I've read today:-

Nick Clegg says "families are at boiling point". Well you put the gas under them, Clegg!

When a man talks dirty to a woman its sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man its $3.95 a minute.

No income tax, no VAT
No points last week off Man City
The future’s grim, he's looking pale
Harry Redknapp’s off to jail.

by oftenwrong Tue Dec 31, 2013 12:40 pm

"In the UK it is right that more people are going to food banks." (Esther McVey). "Nastiest speech I've heard in 43 years." (Gerald Kaufman)

Possibly not all that long ago. When Norman Lamont was Chancellor of the Exchequer in the early 1990s, he qualified for a note in various diaries by saying in parliament,

Unemployment is a price worth paying ...!

and

If it isn't hurting - it isn't working!

by **Ivan** Sun Jan 19, 2014 9:56 pm

People don't seem to realise that if you try to ban fracking you'll just drive it underground.

You can understand UKIP members not wanting anyone to teach evolution. Most of them are dinosaurs.

I'd mistrust a British Prime Minister who cheats the disabled more than I would the French President for having an affair.

A lot of older people vote for a Tory Party that hasn't existed for 35 years.

If Britain really is full, shouldn't we stop having children? We don't want them falling off this small island.

Shapps says the Tories will quadruple fines for not paying the minimum wage. Just don't expect them to prosecute employers who don't comply.

I've stumbled across this programme called ‘Question Time’, where the object seems to be to smuggle through as many bogus facts as possible.

"While Pope Francis may have renounced his own infallibility, Margaret Thatcher never did." (Simon Hoggart)

When is Channel 4 going to make some documentaries about the shadowy mega-rich bankers who caused the economic crisis in the first place?

"This island is surrounded by water", says Tim Farron. With brains like that he could be a Lib Dem MP.

"I've had this brush for 20 years. It’s only had 17 new heads and 14 new handles." (Roger Lloyd Pack in ‘Only Fools And Horses’)

Lord Tebbit: “Fat people are to blame for stuffing themselves silly”. Eric Pickles was unavailable for comment.

A ‘Daily Mail’ report states that smoking during pregnancy may make your baby gay. Whereas reading ‘The Daily Mail’ may just make your baby a twat.

The oldest Tory trick in the book - turn the guy with a little bit against the guy with nothing, while the guy with everything laughs.

Isn’t it strange that no Tories were ever hacked by Brooks and Coulson? The Tories and Murdoch were certainly “all in it together”.

Tory priorities - the DWP has 3,250 staff investigating benefit fraud, while HMRC has just 300 investigating tax evasion.

"The capitalist media will implant prejudices against your fellow human beings in your head." (Gore Vidal)

Tories are deliberately driving the NHS to breaking point, so the private sector can cherry pick the bits it wants and leave a rump that nobody wants.

War is when your government tells you who the enemy is. Revolution is when you figure it out yourself.

It has always been in the interest of the ruling class to cultivate illusions which obscure the true nature of the game.

If you vote for UKIP, you are voting for the back bench of the Tory Party. Would you really want Peter Bone running the country?

Posh Street: Will Channel 4 make a programme about the asset-strippers, usurers and lobbyists who are destroying the welfare state that we voted and paid for?

When London needed them, the firemen were there. Zepplins, Blitz, Moorgate, King’s Cross, 7/7 bombings and all the thousands of other calls. Wake up Boris!

Only the Lib Dems could promise a mansion tax in 2010 and then in government reward millionaires with a tax cut.

We now know that UKIP would be happy with a poorer country (less money in your pocket), a privatised NHS and no workers’ rights. It sounds great, doesn't it?

Nadine Dorries and Katie Hopkins on BBC TV on the same night! Is it International Ignorance Day?

Right wing, ‘small state’ politicians are some of the biggest spenders of public money when it comes to guns and bombs.

I’m surprised that Paul Nuttall turned up to ‘Question Time’, seeing how he's missed 57% of votes in the EU Parliament.

"I don't have a duty of care, I'm a private sector landlord." (Fergus Wilson)

Felonious conversion is selling something you don't own (as Tories do all the time). UKIP members probably think it's a sex act in the loft.

by oftenwrong Sun Jan 19, 2014 11:01 pm

Terrace chant of West Ham footballers: Nobody likes us, and we don't care!

Tory attitude: Nobody likes us, so stick it where the sun don't shine!

by **Ivan** Sun Jan 19, 2014 11:36 pm

First it was all Labour's fault, then the weather, then immigrants, then nurses, then teachers and now Blackadder!

How cynical of Clegg to pretend to distance himself from Tory policies, when we all know he'd love five more years as Cameron's pet poodle.

Osborne says we need further cuts of £25 billion. Either the Tories have been lying about the economy recovering or the cuts are pure dogma.

Why do people vote Tory? Because it's cheaper than buying a t-shirt which says: "I don't give a f**k about anybody else".

"John Major must have learned English as a second language in a British Council office in rural Nigeria." (Simon Hoggart)

Goebbels made films about the Jews, comparing them to rats, dirty and spreading disease. Channel 4 has done something comparable for benefit claimants.

If this government had been around in 1915, they'd no doubt have sent redundancy notices to soldiers on the front line.

Future historians who study the UK government 2010-2015 will surely conclude that never have so many lies been told to so many by so few.

From the 1984 archives we learn that Thatcher was intent on screwing the miners, while she hung around with Savile who was screwing minors.

There are currently 49 criminals serving whole life terms in English prisons. Iain Duncan Smith deserves to be number 50.

Gove is as thick as Baldrick, while Cameron is as lazy, inept and dishonest as Blackadder and as stupid and out of touch as General Melchitt.

The 'honours' system is a corrupt, rotten device to reward Establishment crooks. Don't be distracted by Tory spin about “more women on the list”.

The Tories are cutting 1,500 Environment Agency flood response jobs but say that will have no impact on flood defences. You just couldn’t make it up.

Forget the First World War, Mr Gove! Let's teach kids the truth about the recent Ashes series, in which England triumphantly amassed over 1,000 runs.

Nick Griffin is bankrupt. That's what happens when you're so racist you do everything you can to stop your bank balance being in the black.

by **Ivan** Sun Jan 26, 2014 12:45 am

Nigel Farage says that the 2010 UKIP manifesto was "drivel, written by an idiot". Don't expect the 2015 version to be any different.

Q: Why do most people take an instant dislike to Iain Duncan Smith?
A: Because it saves time.

Neil Hamilton has gone from pantomime to UKIP. It’s not really the longest journey.

To paraphrase Benjamin Franklin: "We're all born ignorant, but must work hard to remain stupid. You need to read 'The Daily Mail' for that."

After "bongobongoland" and "sluts", Godfrey Bloom said to a disabled speaker at the Oxford Union: "Are you Richard III?"

Bloody Tories and CBI are scaremongering about 50p tax rate costing jobs and investment. They said the same about the minimum wage in 1998.

Some of us pagans warned UKIP years ago about adopting that Middle Eastern religion called Christianity.

“The reason Clegg's made such a hash of Rennardgate is that he's totally thrown by someone actually wanting to be a Lib Dem.” (David Schneider)

So another Tory myth explodes - more working homes are in poverty than non-working ones. Tories are helping Britain’s hard-working folk into a hole.

Didn’t watch ‘Question Time’, but from the tweets I’m guessing that Farage wasn’t on the panel. Isn’t that a breach of the BBC Charter?

“IDS compares his attack on social security to the fight against slavery. What would you compare IDS to? Most things would be less offensive.” (Owen Jones)

Apparently, Neil Hamilton's new job is to clean up UKIP. That's like getting Paul Dacre to clean up the tabloids.

'TLC' used to stand for something nice, but not any longer. Nowadays it refers to 'Tory-led coalition'.

Farage says the 2015 UKIP manifesto is "a blank sheet". It might be wise if it stayed that way, to match the blank minds of his supporters.

by oftenwrong Sun Jan 26, 2014 11:59 am

Prince Charles to adopt rôle of Queen. Suits you, Sir.

by **Phil Hornby** Sun Jan 26, 2014 12:05 pm

Favourite 'tweets' - Page 4 Images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTwgg5ppvG0dk5KZCoDaLabL0JSjnrlFBZiBNu6d6eF5k0vavnK3g

(telegraph)

" It's not too late to bring back public execution at Tyburn, Mr Oftenwrong..."

by oftenwrong Sun Jan 26, 2014 12:28 pm

"So help me God, I'll secede from The Union!"

by **Ivan** Mon Feb 03, 2014 11:16 pm

Makes me laugh when Cameron tries to pretend that he's a Christian. Hasn't he heard the one about rich men, a camel and the eye of a needle?

“Since the rich never die in war, for them it is nothing but an abstract and extremely profitable concept.” (Gandhi)

Justin Bieber's chock-full of illegal substances, yet he’s been forced down our throats for years.

Michael Gove has acknowledged Sally Morgan's "great insight", but she’s being sacked for an oversight - she forgot to donate to the Tories.

Gove says that not renewing Sally Morgan's contract and wanting to replace her with Tory donor Theodore Agnew is not a political decision.

No doubt Gove believes that making Tory donor John Nash a schools minister, after Cameron had made him a lord, wasn’t a political decision.

I've just been promoted at my job as a bike mechanic. I'm now the spokesperson.

The SNP’s vision of Scottish independence is unravelling. A sterling zone would undeniably be an exercise in self-imposed colonialism.

Sign up and be a volunteer driver – to take bankers to the nearest airport.

“Good old Dave! No renegotiation of EU treaty, no referendum vote, no female Tory MPs and no real wage growth. Only so much you can do with hot air.” (Professor David Blanchflower)

Most of the 1% are like ticks. They use our resources to thrive and all they leave behind is a diseased nation.

Farage wants handguns legalised! Why? So UKIP members can shoot gay people who cause flooding, or women who don't clean behind fridges?

Council of Europe cuts through Iain Duncan Smith's lies and says UK benefit levels are too low and inadequate.

Did you know that Jim Davidson once refused to go on stage in Plymouth because he didn't want wheelchair users in the front row?

The arrest and charging of a seagull for stealing unwanted food from a landfill site is in the public interest says the CPS, but the RSPB is chewing it over.

Royal Family watch from their palaces as child poverty reaches record levels. We pay for their luxurious voyeurism, what a sick country.

We can apparently measure up the homes of all benefit claimants for the bedroom tax, but not homes worth more than £2 million for a mansion tax.

If there was a God it would probably find the barely hidden racism of UKIP grounds for a right good deluge.

"Biggest enemy we face isn't capitalism or Conservatism, it's the deadly lure of cynicism." (Billy Bragg)

by oftenwrong Wed Feb 05, 2014 11:05 pm

While Londoners complain about a tube strike, the South West appears to have been washed away.

"Buzzfeed" on twitter

by oftenwrong Tue Feb 11, 2014 10:54 pm

Favourite 'tweets' - Page 4 BgNcSxMCcAAwFrC

What the well-dressed parliamentarian is wearing this week.

by boatlady Wed Feb 12, 2014 8:33 am

Ah bless! It's good for the poor souls to get a bit of fresh air!!!

by **Ivan** Mon Feb 17, 2014 11:52 pm

'Four Years A Slave' - Nick Clegg wins a BAFTA for his continuing role as Downing Street tea boy.

Mark Harper – the immigration minister who resigned because he had a cleaner who was an illegal immigrant. Sounds like something from ‘The Thick Of It’.

People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

‘Jeremy Kyle’, the only show where the babies have more teeth then the parents.

Cameron has shown us that repairing the homes of middle England is a Tory priority. Sufficient space for the disabled to live in is not.

Q. What's the difference between Fox News & McDonald's?
A. One sells cheap crap to people with no taste, the other's a fast food restaurant.

"The basic safety net that guaranteed people would not be left in hunger or destitution has been torn apart." (Archbishop of Westminster)

There’s flooding across the land. Meanwhile it’s raining money in the banks.

Taxes - something Tories don't like paying for the sick and disabled, but which they're happy to take in £5,000 grants towards flood relief.

“When we've got our policies we will tell you”, says UKIP candidate. Farage still hasn't finished scribbling on the back of his beer mat.

Those who moan about the nanny state and big government are the first to moan about the lack of the state's response when they need help.

So Nigel Lawson’s been on Radio 4 talking about climate change! It would have made more sense to have Nigella on with a nice Flood Cake recipe.

What is fair about the bedroom tax, forcing people out of their homes to downsize to housing stock that doesn't exist?

"The saddest aspect of life right now is that science gathers knowledge faster than society gathers wisdom." (Isaac Asimov)

The SNP is like a wife who elopes with the gamekeeper and wishes to take the silver, the staff, the cellar and the Bentley with her.

“During a heated argument, I foolishly told my partner she's not the mother of our child. Now she wants a DNA test.” (from ‘Jeremy Kyle’)

"The right has all the advantages. Conservatism appeals to our selfishness and fear, our desire and self-interest." (Russell Brand)

After Sky News helpfully explained that a sandbag is a bag full of sand, I fear coverage of flooding may have reached saturation.

No one would consult Nigel Lawson about a medical patient, so why are we expected to take seriously his views on climate change?

How funny to see Paul Daniels moaning at Cameron to sort out the floods. This was the man who said in 1997 he would leave the country if Labour won.

Nick Clegg denies that Danny Alexander has Tory 'Stockholm Syndrome'.

Why is a 50p tax on the rich “the politics of envy”, while hitting the poor with a bedroom tax is “necessary re-adjustment of the economy"?

I'm a Nigel Lawson sceptic. I don't believe he exists.

"There’s no money tree", said Cameron in March 2013. Yet "money is no object" to help Tory voters in the Home Counties in February 2014.

If Scotland does throw in the towel with the UK, at least Osborne will be able to fold it neatly.

97% of scientists agree that climate change is at least partly caused by humans. If we had ‘balance’, Nigel Lawson-types would get 3% of airtime.

You can imagine how homophobic David Starkey would be if he wasn't gay.

Paul Daniels has suffered from flooding in his Thames mansion. Jon Snow told him that if he was for real, he would be able to magic it away.

There are lies, there are damned lies and there are Tory statistics. Then there's Grant Shapps/Michael Green/Sebastian Fox.

When CEOs safeguard the interests of their clients, we call them titans of industry. When Bob Crow does it, he’s called the sperm of Satan.

Tories are always dredging, even trying to imply Harriet Harman supported paedophiles because she worked for the NCCL in the 1970s.

Please show sympathy for Jenny Jones. When she returns from the Olympics, that asshole Cameron will no doubt want to be photographed with her.

Maybe when Mark Harper said "go home" to immigrants, he meant "go to my home and give it a clean while you are there"?

BREAKING NEWS: Nigel Lawson invited to debate one-to-one on BBC Radio 4 with a Memphis undertaker as to whether Elvis Presley is still alive.

What a generous Tory move to give flooded people £5,000 (conditions apply). Yet in effect it just helps insurance companies by reducing payouts.

It won’t be Trident that will be squeezed to enable money to be “no object” for Tory supporters. It will be the poor, again.

Padded cell manufacturers are to be sued for faulty goods, after David Starkey escaped and ended up on the set of BBC ‘Question Time’ in Gillingham.

Why are young men in baseball caps who sell fags in pubs called “thieves”, yet young men in suits who flog bent PPI plans are described as “mis-sellers”?

Hypocrites William and Harry Windsor were hunting in Spain just one day before launching a wildlife protection campaign.

If, according to UKIP, the flooding was caused by equal marriage, then what the hell was legalised to wash away Dawlish?

Has anyone ever thought of asking advice about dredging from Lynton Crosby? He's an expert.

Starkey is now a caricature of himself: mincing, stage-whispering and yaboo-hissing his way through BBC ‘Question Time’ like Widow Twankey on acid.

"The Tories are an eternally irritating force for wrong who appeal exclusively to bigots, toffs and selfish, grasping simpletons." (Charlie Brooker)

Instead of lines, my school set impossible essays. Here's one for 2014: ‘How does Danny Alexander differ from a Tory?’

The UKIP Commonwealth spokesman is a convicted kidnapper. Biggest surprise? His job title is Commonwealth, not Empire.

Cameron said he was going to hold a cobra. If only.

by boatlady Tue Feb 18, 2014 10:30 am

Some real gems in there this time

by oftenwrong Wed Feb 19, 2014 5:53 pm

http://www.buzzfeed.com/jimwaterson/embarrassing-edits-made-to-politicians-wikipedia-pages-by?utm_campaign=socialflow&utm_source=twitter&utm_medium=buzzfeed

by **Ivan** Sat Mar 01, 2014 5:10 pm

Shapps claims the Tories "are not defending privilege but spreading it". What a fool. If everyone became 'privileged', then nobody would be!

Blessed are the cracked, for they let in the light.

At PMQs, David Cameron looks increasingly like an ageing greaser in a borrowed suit for a court appearance.

Is Melanie Phillips the one who always looks like she mistook haemorrhoid ointment for lip balm?

Harriet Harman being asked to apologise for who joined the NCCL before she worked for it is on a par with me being asked to apologise for the slave trade.

If Eric Pickles sets his bathroom scales to minus 12 stone, he has a BMI of 20. That’s as bogus a use of numbers as Cameron’s flood defence figures.

I keep hearing about 'Spotify'. Is it something teenagers use as an alternative to Clearasil?

“If you don’t want your tax dollars to help the poor - then stop saying that you want a country based on Christian values, because you don’t.” (Jimmy Carter)

Grant Shapps says the Tories are the workers’ party! A few weeks ago he promised a majority Tory government would make it easier to sack people.

After Manchester United’s recent dismal performances, the BBC is planning to move its HQ from Salford back to London.

“Nick Clegg’s record is duplicity and complicity with the Tories. Why would Labour want to help him stay in government?” (Jon Ashworth MP)

BREAKING: 'The Daily Mail' is to demand an apology from Ed Balls for sleeping with fellow shadow cabinet member Yvette Cooper for the last 16 years.

A hairdressing salon in Witney called ‘Curl Up And Dye’ has just ceased trading. Maybe the local MP ought to do likewise.

Education minister criticises attainment levels for maths, while also saying that all schools should be above average.

Reaganites said they'd follow Ronald Reagan into hell. So why is he there but they're still here?

BREAKING: 'The Daily Mail' is to demand an apology from Ed Miliband because a fellow pupil from his primary school got a parking ticket 20 years later.

“Cameron’s flood finance pledge is like a burglar promising to buy a black-and-white portable TV to replace the 50-inch plasma he stole last week.” (Chris Williamson MP)

War is when your government tells you who the enemy is. Revolution is when you figure it out yourself.

"Our welfare reforms are about giving new purpose, new opportunity and new hope to people previously written off with no chance." (Cameron)

Advert came up on UKPR website saying: "Two criminals live near you. Find out who". Don't need to, I know who they are, they're both Tory councillors.

PMQs is a farce. Cameron is a terrible actor whose (scripted) off-the-cuff quips are executed with all the skill of a child learning to read.

Loss of deposit in the Wythenshawe and Sale East by-election shows that the Lib Dems are suffering from electile dysfunction.

by oftenwrong Sun Mar 02, 2014 6:25 pm

by **Phil Hornby** Sun Mar 02, 2014 6:32 pm

Be fair - anyone can make a mistake.

Take Sarah's boyfriend for starters... Smile

by **Ivan** Thu Mar 06, 2014 12:34 am

A pensioner has died in a fire in Woolwich, where the fire station was recently closed. Boris Johnson is such a laugh, isn't he?

Of the 754 MEPs in the EU Parliament, Nigel Farage has the fifth worst attendance record out of all of them - Paul Nuttall has the fourth worst.

For four years, Cameron said spending cuts were about paying down the deficit. Now he's saying they're about making room for tax cuts.

"I'm an optimist, but one who carries a raincoat." (Harold Wilson)

Farage feels uncomfortable when he hears foreigners talking on trains. I feel uncomfortable listening to Farage talking on television.

Former MP Julia Goldsworthy: "For the first time in generations, Lib Dems will be campaigning on our record in government." Good luck with that.

Paedophile ring in Thatcher’s government, Savile at Chequers with Thatcher eleven times, Patrick Rock was a protégé of Thatcher. Anyone spot a connection?

Farage, can you tell us why you want to leave the EU, when you’ve pocketed tens of thousands of euros from it in expenses?

Putin's justification for occupying the Crimea is eerily similar to Hitler's explanation for annexing the Sudetenland in 1938.

"Unless there is a change of government, the NHS in England will be completely destroyed by 2020." (David Owen)

Those of you thinking of voting for UKIP candidates in May might as well stay at home. They will if they get elected.

At Cambridge, Nick Clegg acted alongside Helena Bonham Carter. The only part he’s ever had since is as a prop for Cameron.

by **Ivan** Thu Mar 13, 2014 12:44 am

High Pay Centre says CEOs of Britain’s biggest companies 'earned' more in first 3 days of 2014 than average worker will make in 12 months.

“If you can find money to kill people, you can find money to help people.” (Tony Benn)

If Nigel Farage ever became PM, we would be a nation run by taxi drivers and pub bores and would be booed off the world stage.

"Something for nothing" pretty much sums up investment banking, finance and the housing bubble on which the UK is built.

Why would a government minister need the power to close a hospital without discussion?

If you really think Sarah Palin is a good person, you should be grateful that Obamacare will cover the cost of your shrink.

“That which can be asserted without evidence, can be dismissed without evidence.” (Christopher Hitchens)

Oliver Letwin wrote 'Privatising The World' and said in 2005 that the NHS would cease to exist after five years of Tory rule. Few listened.

I suppose having thick, incoherent racists in the ‘BBC Question Time’ audience makes a change from putting them on the actual panel.

What has happened to a country that fights oppression worldwide but yet now oppresses and starves its own people?

Nigel Farage is facing flak over employing his wife at taxpayers’ expense. So he's just like other politicians, at least the rotten ones.

"The only working class people who still have well-paid jobs in London are RMT members." (Ken Livingstone) And that's thanks to Bob Crow.

It’s irrelevant whether Obama is a Christian or a Muslim, as long as he governs like he’s neither.

by boatlady Thu Mar 13, 2014 9:44 am

Some bright people out there on Twitter

Thanks for this little selection of gems Ivan

by **Ivan** Wed Mar 19, 2014 11:37 pm

I thought this must be a spoof, but apparently it isn't:-

Favourite 'tweets' - Page 4 BjHrWf1CUAAWuD5

https://pbs.twimg.com/media/BjHrWf1CUAAWuD5.png

by **Ivan** Thu Mar 20, 2014 10:06 am

Favourite 'tweets' - Page 4 BjJ9FeTIAAAXp9X

https://pbs.twimg.com/media/BjJ9FeTIAAAXp9X.jpg

by **Ivan** Fri Mar 21, 2014 8:41 pm

“It doesn't matter if the pound is square, round or oval. If you're £1,600 worse off, you're £1,600 worse off.” (Ed Miliband)

Can we now officially change the term 'bread and circuses' to 'beer and bingo'?

How ironic that IDS should call others benefit scroungers when he has lived on benefits and claims millions in farming subsidies from the EU.

Cameron, Nick Robinson and Shirley Williams talking about Tony Benn, rather like tributes to Alex Ferguson being given by Man City reserves.

“The best way to cheer yourself up is to cheer everyone else up.'' (Mark Twain)

Osborne's Budget was targeted at the ever-shrinking Tory constituency – rich pensioners and Premium Bond holders in Surrey.

"Never for the sake of peace and quiet deny your own experience or convictions." (Dag Hammarskjöld)

How did the war on poverty become the war on the poor?

I'm so miffed that Osborne didn't do more for us common northerners. How about tax relief on pigeon and whippet food, or a VAT reduction on tripe?

"The real leader has no need to lead - he is content to point the way." (Henry Miller)

Scientists have confirmed that only two things are constantly expanding - the universe and bankers’ bonuses.

All BBC senior managers get free private healthcare. That might explain why NHS privatisation is hardly ever mentioned on the news.

“We are all born ignorant, but one must work hard to remain stupid.” (Benjamin Franklin)

Does this bingo tax reduction mean that you have to pay less bedroom tax if you have a full house?

Expecting the Tories to care about the poor is as pointless as asking a bull not to charge at you because you're a vegetarian.

"When Osborne told Cameron that he wanted to cut taxes for ‘Bingo’, Cameron thought he was talking about an old school chum." (Ed Balls)

Maybe VAT will be removed from the purchase of flat caps. Buy one now so you can doff it at your master.

What shocked me most about George Osborne’s budget was being reminded that savings accounts still exist.

I understand a lot of people don’t like the new look pound coin, which is why the Tories are working hard to ensure most of you won’t see many.

Before you believe Clegg's promise of subsidised childcare after the next election, remember his pledge to students before the last one.

“Osborne can afford tax cuts worth £200,000 for millionaires, but he can't afford a £250 pay rise for a nurse" (Ed Miliband)

Growth is less than half of what was predicted, debt is rising and living standards are still falling. And the Tories think we should be grateful!

After four years of showing us how much they hate the rest of us, the Tories have no one left to hate except each other.

If I had £1 for every time the BBC has honestly reported this government's destruction of the NHS, I'd have 50p by now.

Gove finds it "ridiculous" that Cameron is surrounded by Old Etonians. True, but no more silly than having a Murdoch hack as education secretary.

Shirley Williams will be remembered for dividing Labour, enabling the Tories to privatise the NHS and now sniping at Tony Benn when he is fresh in his grave.

When a Tory says “compete in a global market”, he means a UK worker should work for a bowl of rice and a kick up the arse a day.

Scottish Conservatives having a conference? Really? Couldn’t Maureen just pop round and see the other two members?

Cameron said he "disagreed with Tony Benn on everything”. Be specific Dave, was it democracy, internationalism, peace or social justice?

To motivate a rich person - pay them more. To motivate a poor person - threaten them with the sack and cut their wages.

If Putin passed a Clause 119 abolishing local democracy in healthcare, the BBC would call him a dictator. When Cameron does it, the BBC barely mentions it.

“As long as the Tory Party is in existence, the NHS will never be safe.” (Dr Clive Peedell)

by **Ivan** Sat Mar 29, 2014 1:05 am

“Nigel Farage, leader of a protest party with zero MPs and a manifesto comprised entirely of bits of old Jeremy Clarkson jokes.” (Martin Robbins)

David Starkey hasn't been on the Tube since it was opened up to the plebs in 1865.

The data produced by the Tories shows the bedroom tax achieved a failure rate of 94%. There are too few smaller homes.

Clegg debating with Farage has all the excitement of watching the play offs for third and fourth place in the World Cup.

"NHS bad, private sector good." Who cares whether the evidence supports the narrative as long as Tory donors are making out like bandits?

So-called ‘free market competition’ only works until someone wins.

They say that you're never more than 3 metres from a rat. With the BBC you're never more than 10 minutes from a UKIP fruitcake.

Breaking: Tory-led government announces that 7% of UK energy will be supplied by Cameron's red face by 2023.

UKIP supporters are no doubt expecting more flooding and other signs of the wrath of God now that equal marriage has become a reality.

I wouldn't buy a used car from oily David Cameron. It would probably be two cars welded together and only do U-turns.

David Moyes has said he will make sure Manchester United get to Europe next season even if he has to write the lyrics himself.

Laughable that Farage accused Clegg of scaremongering. Isn’t "29 million Romanians and Bulgarians could come to the UK" just that?

Would you say that Crimea has been ‘consciously uncoupled’ from Ukraine?

How could anyone trust the Tories with the NHS, when they get 13% of their party donations from private health companies?

You know you're getting old when you're in the archives and you find letters from people you know.

I think Farage forgot that he was addressing an LBC audience, not seven Masonic Lodge members.

Who decided Kate Bush should be disinterred? What a horrible screeching voice, worse than a randy tom cat! I'd rather listen to George Bush.

If the Lib Dems ever knock on my door again, I'll tell them in no uncertain terms that the only 'Focus' welcome on my property is the one I drive.

"Indignities of a tax so cruel it could’ve been dreamed up on a Bullingdon Club drunken night out." (Kevin Maguire on the bedroom tax)

Watching Clegg debating with Farage is like witnessing two seagulls fight over a puddle of cat vomit.

Q: What's worse than 14 more months of David Cameron?
A: Waking up on 8 May 2015 to another five years.

I refuse to believe corporations are people until Texas executes one.

by boatlady Sat Mar 29, 2014 10:21 am

Watching Clegg debating with Farage is like witnessing two seagulls fight over a puddle of cat vomit.

Definitely worth repeating

by **Ivan** Mon Apr 07, 2014 10:54 am

Surprise, surprise, Maria Miller has been trending on Twitter recently!

Iain Duncan Smith has been expressing his support for Maria Miller. Isn't that the kind of support a rope provides a hanging man?

Do you recall how some youths who stole trainers during the 2011 riots were sent to jail? One law for them, another for Maria Miller.

The only accommodation I'm prepared to pay for in relation to Maria Miller is the one she'll hopefully be sharing soon with Rebekah Brooks.

If Cameron had managed to sweep the Maria Miller scandal under the carpet, he'd probably have claimed the cost of the brush on expenses.

Advice to Maria Miller's parents: have cereal, bacon and eggs, kedgeree or anything for breakfast. Just don't mention toast.

Nobody, but nobody, does laughing in the public's collective faces quite like Maria Miller and the rest of the Tory hypocrites.

Dear Channel 4, is there any chance of you making a one-off ‘Benefits Street’ special on Maria Miller and the scroungers in Westminster?

Tell me Mr Cameron, if Maria Miller had been a Labour MP and done what she's done, how loudly would you be calling for her head?

Peter Hain says Maria Miller is a decent person, but that's not the issue. Peter Sutcliffe was a good lorry driver.

The media drummed Peter Mandelson out of office for not telling a bank he'd had a loan from a friend. He didn't nick our cash like Maria Miller.

Maria Miller's brilliant time of 32 seconds bodes well for Team GB in the Perfunctory Regret event at next year's Grudging Apology Olympics.

Caroline Lucas is arrested and sent to court for sitting on the ground, while Maria Miller gets to apologise for defrauding the taxpayer.

The reason Cameron hasn’t kicked out Maria Miller is all Labour's fault. He daren't sack one of the few women in his cabinet due to ridicule.

Under the Theft Act (Maria Miller Amendment) 2014, all fraud under £100k is now punishable by a 32-second public apology at the local parish pump.

I do find modern life confusing. If Maria Miller overclaimed £45k, how can it possibly be right that she pays back anything less than £45k?

You could probably get the entire Maria Miller apology into 140 characters.

Grant Shapps coming out in support of Maria Miller is like Fred West giving a character reference for Harold Shipman.

by **Ivan** Mon Apr 07, 2014 11:45 pm

Steal discarded food from a skip and you end up in court. Steal £45,000 and you stay in the cabinet.

Dave from PR just lives for the day, saying whatever works best at that moment in time, while government policy is set by Tory Party donors.

Bruce Forsyth isn't really retiring, he's just moving from 'Strictly Come Dancing' to 'The Antiques Roadshow' to be an exhibit.

The Boat Race is a lot like the cabinet, a dozen or so men from Oxford and Cambridge being told what to do by a pair of cox.

Patience Wheatcroft says the corruption in India is getting worse. She should look at the situation a little nearer home.

Michael Fallon says the government sought independent advice on Royal Mail sale from US banks - like asking a burglar for advice on door locks.

People who think they know everything are very annoying to those of us who do.

Nick Clegg in 2007: "I will lead the Liberal Democrats to be the champions of the NHS." He forgot to add the word 'privatisation'.

In 2009 Cameron promised to clean up politics, but even then he didn't sack any of the cheats in his shadow cabinet.

The problem with television debates is that they favour the demagogue over the truthful.

UKIP seems to think that the EU is good for nothing except paying its MEPs large sums of money not to turn up.

It's hard to do comedy at the moment; you think of a sick joke and six months later it comes out as Tory policy.

Met Office issues smug alert as record levels of ministerial self-satisfaction hit UK.

On benefits or low wages you can't have a spare room, but if you're an MP you can have a spare house.

Iain Duncan Smith says he can live on £7 a day, as long as the taxpayer stumps up £39 for his breakfast.

If I applied Cameron logic concerning the Royal Mail sale: I’ve just sold my house for £50, so I'm now £50 better off.

April 1st is the day when people make preposterous claims, hoping that gullible fools believe them. Just like any other day for the Tories.

"The NHS is unaffordable” is a massive lie. It's one of the fairest, most efficient and cost-effective health systems in the world.

"Tradition and heritage – that’s dead people's baggage. Quit carrying it." (Doug Stanhope)

UKIP is the Tory Party's budget range. It sells no frills nastiness to the mentally challenged.

A Tory and former magistrate believes books are used to smuggle dangerous substances into prisons. Yes, ideas.

I'm so old I remember when ‘The News Quiz’ was funny.

Was the pollution in London caused by Saharan sand, or just the stench of corruption from Downing Street?

Inspired by Maria Miller, burglars in D Wing are asking if they can make a brief apology, keep most of what they nicked and be allowed home.

After his botched sale of the Royal Mail, it makes you wonder if Vince Cable could get the prices right if he worked in Poundland.

by oftenwrong Thu Apr 17, 2014 5:50 pm

"In it together?"

Favourite 'tweets' - Page 4 Bubbleman-5

by boatlady Thu Apr 17, 2014 10:08 pm

Goodness - he looks a prat

by **Ivan** Sun Apr 20, 2014 1:50 pm

“If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.” (Dorothy Parker)

The Tories can't understand why the poor don't just claim for food on their expenses.

My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.

Cameron's spirituality runs no deeper than his environmentalism. It used to be huskies and hoodies, now it's Jesus.

“Never trust a man with short legs – his brain is too near his bottom.” (Noel Coward)

Culture secretary Sajid Javid approves of ticket touts, seeing them as "entrepreneurs who fill a gap in the market they have identified".

Nigel Farage looks and dresses like a 1974 right-wing politician reading a 1934 right-wing manifesto.

Have we ever had such a valueless chameleon as Prime Minister as David Cameron? Eton's own Arthur Daley.

“I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad I take something for it.” (Ken Dodd)

Amazing how quickly William Hague went from being a schoolboy at a Tory conference to a garrulous senior citizen without anyone noticing.

Fox News – rich people paying rich people to tell middle class people to blame poor people.

UKIP has attacked "privately educated 'Times' journalists". What glorious hypocrisy from Dulwich College boy Farage!

“Capitalism was so exultant and impregnable that in 2008 it only just managed to keep the cash machines open on the high streets.” (Terry Eagleton)

Poor Nigel Evans. The bill that cut legal aid was badly drafted; it missed out the vital clause that all Tory MPs were meant to be exempt.

Hermann Goering may have reached for his gun when he heard the word 'culture'. Sajid Javid reaches for a Havana cigar and a Star Trek DVD.

"UKIP - sozzled berks whose policies largely centre round an electrified fence at Dover and a ‘no women in the bar area’ rule.” (Bill Bailey)

We used to laugh at Pravda and what came out of the old USSR.......now we have the BBC with its subtle but relentless Tory propaganda.

So Nigel Farage has been reported to the EU anti-fraud office (OLAF)! Could this be the start of a loony eclipse?

The voters were right not to trust Cameron with a majority. It’s just a pity that Clegg and the Lib Dems overruled them.

UKIP resembles a busload of retired demented bigots and frothing elitist loons let out on a day trip.

"Politics is just show business for ugly people." (Jay Leno)

by **Ivan** Mon Apr 21, 2014 11:39 pm

The Tory Party is where political integrity and morality go to die. UKIP is where such intellectual disabilities will never even be born.

Q: What's the difference between a motorcycle and the Tory Party in Scotland?
A: A motorcycle has two seats.

"Doubt is not a pleasant condition. But certainty is absurd." (Voltaire)

Best treatment for a jellyfish sting is urine. Rumour has it that volunteers to pee on Cameron have been queuing up outside Downing Street.

Breaking news: Luis Suárez to be awarded a backdated Olympic gold medal for his contribution to diving.

Your job is threatened far more by UKIP-style isolationism than by any immigrant.

Interesting to see Assad on the news trying to use religious groups for his political advantage. Not something that Cameron would do, is it?

"The only trace of the Liberal Democrats after the 2015 election will be a bunch of flowers taped to some railings.” (Bill Bailey)

Our Tory government says the Syrian election in June "will lack any credibility". Rather like what happened when we last voted in May 2010.

If Manchester United doesn't want David Moyes, he could always get a job with UKIP. They wouldn't care if they're not in Europe next year.

by **Ivan** Fri Apr 25, 2014 12:23 am

“UKIP aren't anti-Establishment, they're its shield: they blame immigrants instead of bankers/tax dodgers/low paying bosses.” (Owen Jones)

Odd how white bigots call minorities lazy, when historically it's been minorities who've done the white man’s work as he sat on his arse.

Who needs the Trussell Trust? Tory MPs can’t understand why poor people don’t just claim for their food on expenses as they do.

The EU is important in trying to control multinational corporations and preventing them from playing one country off against another.

2010 Lib Dem voters – students, those who thought they were left-wing, others voting tactically to stop a Tory government. 2015 Lib Dem voters?

UKIP aren't a breath of fresh air - they're a fetid stench that's as old as the hills.

If severe weather is ever heading your way, Tory Central Office will recommend that you move to your second or third home as a precaution.

“If Nigel Farage is the acceptable face of UKIP, you do wonder what the arse is like.” (Rory Bremner)

by boatlady Fri Apr 25, 2014 11:02 am

nice little selection there

by **Ivan** Mon Apr 28, 2014 12:08 am

"UKIP: an Alan Partridge thought experiment that has broken out of the lab and infected millions." (Charlie Brooker)

So UKIP has a policy unit? Is that just another name for the saloon bar?

Cheryl Gillan: "When you look very closely at UKIP, you wouldn't want what they have to offer." True, one nasty right-wing party is enough.

UKIP MEPs work out how they're going to vote by tossing a coin. Grappling with issues properly cuts too deeply into pub time.

Nick Clegg: "I can add 'heart' to the Tories on social issues and welfare." Just like he hasn't for the last four years.

Two reasons why any sane, decent human being could never vote for UKIP: 1. Neil Hamilton. 2. Christine Hamilton.

I thought UKIP were out canvassing, but it turned out to be a group of Jehovah's Witnesses. Easy mistake to make, I guess.

Former archbishop Rowan Williams says "we live in a post-Christian country". Maybe he should leave God to the politicians?

Q: How many people work in the UKIP Head Office?
A: About 5%; the rest are in the nearest pub.

A UKIP election candidate said that comedian Lenny Henry “should emigrate to a black country”. Henry comes from Dudley, which is in the Black Country.

by **Ivan** Wed Apr 30, 2014 10:57 pm

UKIP members rarely attend the EU Parliament, depriving the UK of some influence. Then UKIP complains about how little influence we have in the EU.

2009 BNP leaflet - "This is our country - let's win it back!"
2014 UKIP leaflet - "Help us to help you get your country back."

Eton has clearly been guilty of throwing very dodgy pearls to real swine.

Apparently there are 485 million UKIP election leaflets trying to get in through everyone's letter box.

"UKIP scandals - so frequent you must conclude it's not a rotten apple that needs throwing out but the whole stinking barrel." (Nick Cohen)

If you performed a trepan on a Tory cabinet minister's head, you would find so much manure you could use it to fertilise the Sahara Desert.

"Women should be banned from wearing trousers. Until 300 years ago, a woman wearing trousers would be executed." (Demetri Marchessini, UKIP donor)

The rise of UKIP shows that a lot of people didn't pay attention during 20th century history lessons when they were at school.

Cameron says every schoolboy should be inspired by Shakespeare’s ‘Henry V’. What does he advise for girls, ‘Little Women’?

UKIP candidate John Sullivan explains physical exercise can prevent homosexuality. That must be why you never see gay men in gyms.

"Waterboarding is how we baptise terrorists", says Sarah Palin. Or is it how you create new ones?

When Labour gained 291 new councillors last May, the BBC said it was “disappointing”. UKIP gained 140 councillors and that was “spectacular”.

“Orwell was wrong, the English will accept a far-right government, so long as it’s dressed up in silliness and accompanied by a farting trombone.” (Laurie Penny)

This is the worst Tory elite in living memory: it combines an Etonian sense of privilege with Thatcherite avarice and a dash of Heathite incompetence.

"Why shouldn't we take Demetri Marchessini’s money?", says Neil Hamilton. Not the first time in his life he's thought that about someone.

Want to sell off a state asset on the cheap and let someone make a fast buck? George Osborne knows the Best Man for the job.

Are they re-making ‘Dad’s Army’ as a tribute to UKIP? Incompetent old white men getting into a lather about an invasion from Europe.

by **Ivan** Tue May 06, 2014 10:56 am

UKIP members probably think the British Empire was created to provide access to cheap tea and sugar for those who couldn't get to Tesco.

Amazing how those who support inequality are all millionaires. If it's such a brilliant idea, the poor would be all for it.

“Anyone saying that 21 June is the longest day of the year has clearly never spent an hour with Neil and Christine Hamilton.” (Rufus Hound)

If money doesn't grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?

UKIP member after visiting Windsor Castle: "It's very nice, but why did they build it so close to Heathrow Airport?"

“To err is human, but it feels divine.” (Mae West)

If I gave away £1 for every time that I've seen Farage on the BBC, I'd be bankrupt!

The Gunpowder Plot was probably the earliest attempt at reforming the House of Lords.

Frightening to think that so many people can be fooled by UKIP's pub bore parroting the meaningless cliché "I'll give you your country back".

The UK is a nation of sheep ruled by wolves and owned by pigs.

While everyone is keeping UKIP and Farage in the public eye, the Eton Tory elitists are happy, since it distracts from what they are doing to us.

“A clever person solves a problem. A wise person avoids it.” (Albert Einstein)

Breaking: UKIP is set to to boycott water, air, and gas after discovering that all three are halal.

Obama to Fox News: "You'll miss me when I'm gone. It'll be harder to convince American people that Hillary was born in Kenya."

Looking forward to ‘Antiques Roadshow’ or, as UKIP supporters call it, ‘Tomorrow's World’.

by **Ivan** Fri May 09, 2014 8:02 pm

Favourite 'tweets' - Page 4 BnMqntrIAAATIYV

https://pbs.twimg.com/media/BnMqntrIAAATIYV.jpg

"If you're not careful, newpapers will have you hating the people being oppressed and loving the people doing the oppressing." (Malcolm X)

Favourite 'tweets' - Page 4 Bc6yQkECMAAxLLI

Favourite 'tweets' - Page 4 Bc6yQkECMAAxLLI

https://pbs.twimg.com/media/Bc6yQkECMAAxLLI.jpg

by **Ivan** Sun May 11, 2014 11:19 pm

UKIP supporters probably think the phrase "spending a penny" will soon be abolished by the EU and replaced with the expression "euronating".

Tories, who love to wave union flag, privatised our railways. Now they’re mainly owned by SNCF, DB, Nederlandse Spoorwegen and MTR of Hong Kong.

Privatisation = stealing public assets, selling them on the cheap to your cronies, then lying to the 99% that it's for their benefit.

Why does UKIP support the 11-plus? It’s an exam many of its members will have failed.

Rod Liddle has written a book called ‘Selfish Whining Monkeys’. Can we assume it's about the team who write his column for him?

Nigel Farage isn't the elephant in the room. He's a dinosaur.

I’m confused, I can't decide which bin to put the Tory Euro election leaflet in, since it's both rubbish and recycled.

Farage tells us to be "wary" if there are Romanians in our street. Doesn't singling out one nationality constitute racism?

The Tories have made us a nation of ‘The Have Lots’ and ‘The Have Nots’.

One UKIP leaflet has compared British people to native Americans who "didn't worry about immigration and now live on a reservation".

There are 104 billionaires living in the UK, more than in any other country in the world. We also have 500,000 people relying on food banks.

Tory liars claim 2.5 million people "have been taken out of tax". Hmm. Don't they pay VAT, NI, road tax, duty on petrol, alcohol or tobacco?

Nigel Farage calls himself a libertarian, yet he wants to use the state to tell people where they can or can't live!

"I dislike country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. For people who do like it, denigrate means 'put down'." (Bob Newhart)

Tories have certainly taken 700,000 public sector workers out of income tax - they've sacked them! Is that really anything to crow about?

Doubt if UKIP supporters know what Boko Haram is. They probably think it's a 60s group which sang 'Whiter Shade of Pale'.

by **Ivan** Fri May 16, 2014 1:14 pm

What a surprise! Cameron doesn't think that tax avoider and Tory donor Gary Barlow should lose his OBE.

"UKIP has descended into a form of racist populism that I cannot bring myself to vote for." (Sanya-Jeet Thandi, former UKIP member)

Every time a right-wing government privatises part of the state and hands it to corporations, democratic accountability is lost.

What was Eric Pickles doing in a Brentwood food bank? Emptying it?

1 in 15 people own a personalised number plate. Why don’t we identify these cretins and flog them a personalised national insurance number?

“Create your own UKIP manifesto by throwing a wet copy of ‘The Daily Express’ into a fan.” (Frankie Boyle)

Wonder if, after a visit from the Bullingdon Club, restaurant owners in Oxford believe private schools teach morality?

Tory attitude to independent pay reviews: 11% for MPs - "can't stop it"; 1% for NHS workers - "can't afford it".

Once ‘Question Time’ finished, Paddy Ashdown drove home in a car powered entirely by his sense of self importance.

Farage trousers millions from the EU in return for doing next to nothing. At least Romanians and Bulgarians work their socks off when they live abroad.

Capitalism is a cancer that destroys the world's resources in order to satisfy the hoarding fetish of billionaires.

1 in 9 people own buy-to-let properties. Maybe one day houses will just be places to live in, not cash cows.

It’s strange that fans of zero hours contracts are never on them themselves.

If UKIP was in power, the UK Eurovision entry would be sung by Farage's wife, as he’d claim that nobody else could do the job.

Every time David Cameron visits Scotland, at least 1,000 more Scots decide to support independence.

by **Ivan** Sat May 17, 2014 4:08 pm

“Every time David Cameron turns up in Scotland he comes across as a baffled Edwardian looking for oil to power his time machine.” (Frankie Boyle)

Q: What’s the difference between benefit cheats and tax avoiders?
A: The former are punished for playing the system, while the latter are encouraged to do so.

Dawn French to Conchita Wurst: "You raise so many questions but you're also all the answers."

Wouldn't it make a pleasant change if this government considered tax tourism to be a bigger problem than so-called benefit tourism?

“Why is it that, as a culture, we are more comfortable seeing two men holding guns than holding hands?” (Ernest Gaines)

Patriotism is a fraud used to keep you waving flags like an idiot, while the bankers are robbing the Treasury of trillions each year.

"If people like Gary Barlow paid the tax they were supposed to pay, there'd be less need for them to do charitable work.” (Sadiq Khan)

"All taxation is theft" is just daft. How many 'thieves' provide health, welfare, education and defence with what they take from you?

"House of Commons is the suited, booted and largely expensively educated crowd of louts that rampages at the heart of our body politic" (Will Self)

Who would be in a UKIP cabinet? Would Neil Hamilton be chancellor? After all, he's had experience of handling other people's money.

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