Favourite 'tweets'

by **Ivan** Thu Jan 26, 2012 5:23 pm

First topic message reminder :

For those of us who use 'Twitter', I thought it might be worth having a thread to share some of the interesting tweets we come across. Here are three that I've read today:-

Nick Clegg says "families are at boiling point". Well you put the gas under them, Clegg!

When a man talks dirty to a woman its sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man its $3.95 a minute.

No income tax, no VAT
No points last week off Man City
The future’s grim, he's looking pale
Harry Redknapp’s off to jail.

by **Ivan** Sat May 17, 2014 4:08 pm

“Every time David Cameron turns up in Scotland he comes across as a baffled Edwardian looking for oil to power his time machine.” (Frankie Boyle)

Q: What’s the difference between benefit cheats and tax avoiders?
A: The former are punished for playing the system, while the latter are encouraged to do so.

Dawn French to Conchita Wurst: "You raise so many questions but you're also all the answers."

Wouldn't it make a pleasant change if this government considered tax tourism to be a bigger problem than so-called benefit tourism?

“Why is it that, as a culture, we are more comfortable seeing two men holding guns than holding hands?” (Ernest Gaines)

Patriotism is a fraud used to keep you waving flags like an idiot, while the bankers are robbing the Treasury of trillions each year.

"If people like Gary Barlow paid the tax they were supposed to pay, there'd be less need for them to do charitable work.” (Sadiq Khan)

"All taxation is theft" is just daft. How many 'thieves' provide health, welfare, education and defence with what they take from you?

"House of Commons is the suited, booted and largely expensively educated crowd of louts that rampages at the heart of our body politic" (Will Self)

Who would be in a UKIP cabinet? Would Neil Hamilton be chancellor? After all, he's had experience of handling other people's money.

by **Ivan** Thu May 22, 2014 12:28 am

UKIP members took to Twitter to explain why they were voting for Nigel Farage's party – but Twitter had some other ideas. After the party's spectacular failure to organise a carnival was played out in 140-character bursts, Twitter has yet again been poking fun at UKIP, this time with not-so-serious tweets about why their authors would be voting for UKIP in the European elections.

Some of those amusing tweets are here:-
http://www.theguardian.com/politics/2014/may/21/whyimvotingukip-when-a-hashtag-goes-wrong-nigel-?

Others can be found here:-
http://www.buzzfeed.com/alanwhite/21-reasons-people-on-twitter-say-theyre-voting-ukip

This is my compilation of some of the reasons offered on Twitter for voting UKIP:-

- Because my university is being overrun by Librarians and we need to send them back to Libraria.

- Because I like my misogynist, xenophobic racists to be better dressed than the BNP and just as intelligent.

- Because I'm sick of gangs of immigrants coming here, getting jobs and covering their faces all day. Bloody NHS surgeons.

- Because I want a job like Farage, where you get paid loads of money but don't need to turn up and can stay in the pub all day.

- Because there is an LGBT account for UKIP, which makes about as much sense as having a black division in the KKK.

- Because only British people should be allowed to move to other European countries, such as Spain and France. That's fair, isn’t it?

- Because we lost our netball match 8-7 last night, and it's all the fault of the Romanians.

- Because hating makes me feel so good and thinking hurts.

- Because I was on a train in Poland and lots of people were speaking a foreign language.

- Because a party led by a public school, Thatcherite, City trader from Kent is definitely anti-establishment.

- Because I'm incompetent enough to fear that my job might be taken by an unqualified Romanian who doesn't speak English.

- Because I like to think that people from other countries who live in mine are the main reason I have failed in life.

- Because I am appalled at the number of immigrants in my local A&E. One of them bandaged my arm and another took me for an X-ray.

- Because I'm stupid enough to believe that our current economic woes were caused by poor immigrants rather than rich bankers.

- Because tolerance, equality, employment rights, women's rights and the NHS are overrated.

- Because human rights are a lefty commie plot to force me to have a health and safety compliant Romanian gay wedding.

- Because apart from stimulating trade, defending human rights and preventing another world war, what has the EU done for us?

- Because we need more privileged, privately-educated, tax-dodging white men in politics.

- Because West Ham would have a better chance in the Premier League if they sent all the foreigners home.

- Because as a woman, I don't deserve any employment rights and shouldn't be allowed to wear trousers.

- Because I want my voice heard above the 56 million Romanians who have invaded our country since January.

- Because I long for a past that never was and dream of a future that can never be.

by boatlady Thu May 22, 2014 9:30 am

Neatly encapsulates the UKIP position - and demonstrates just why it is so attractive to so many people

by oftenwrong Thu May 22, 2014 12:34 pm

UKIP is not only a single-issue Party but clearly a single person. Name any candidate other than Nigel.

by boatlady Thu May 22, 2014 1:42 pm

Of course, as always, the danger is that while we focus n the clown show that is UKIP, the hostile takeover by the 1% continues apace

by Dan Fante Thu May 22, 2014 2:07 pm

There's a certain delicious irony to their polling the most votes in the Euro elections, should that happen, whatever you think of them (not a lot, in my case).

by **Ivan** Thu May 22, 2014 7:54 pm

Hitler has only got one ball,
The other is in the Albert Hall,
Himmler has something sim'lar,
But poor old Goebbels has no balls at all.

One of the things you have to love about the British is their sense of humour, even when faced with the terrifying prospect of a Nazi invasion. Maybe laughing at UKIP, and the crackpot ideas and comments which have emanated from the mouths of so many of its members, is the best way to deal with it.

Facetious reasons for voting for UKIP continue to be posted on Twitter, including these:-

- Because Nigel Farage has been denied his usual slot on BBC QT tonight and it's clearly a Communist conspiracy.

- Because my neighbour has a German Shepherd which barks really loudly and I hope UKIP will deport it.

- Because their name suggests that I’ll get a longer lie in if they come to power.

- Because I'm ignorant of the way the EU Parliament works and so I’m susceptible to media lies.

- Because I really like Nigella Farage's yummy cakes - and she had all those problems with her Italian nanny.

- Because I'm pissed off with rip-off politicians, so I'm voting for the party with the laziest and most expensive MEPs.

- Because our neighbour has a Persian cat and I'm pretty sure it's working for a terrorist organisation.

- Because we need a party of ex-Tories, led by an ex-Tory, that's funded by ex-Tory donors to oppose the Tory Party.

by **Ivan** Fri May 23, 2014 11:40 pm

“Don't understand people voting UKIP for MEP elections. It's like giving money to a builder who's got no intention of building your kitchen.” (Emma Kennedy)

The UK recovery is the economic cycle coming round of its own accord, plus an irresponsible engineered housing boom which is bound to end in disaster.

UKIP are nothing but Tories left out in the sun and gone even more rancid. They are not an alternative to anything.

I'm wondering whether Rupert Murdoch has bought the BBC now; it would explain its massive right-wing bias these days.

People have said that what happened in Germany in the 1930s couldn't happen in the UK. UKIP has shown that it could.

“A party with the same answer to every problem is not really a party that has answers to any problem at all.” (Alex Massie)

Cameron: “We’re the Conservative Party, we don’t do pacts and deals.” I wonder if Nick Clegg has realised that yet?

UKIP spokesperson Suzanne Evans says her party has "difficulty appealing to the educated, cultured and young."

If the UK had not had North America, the Antipodes and Africa in which to dump its expanding population, by now we would have passed the 100m mark.

“Looks like the only place where UKIP have managed to take overall control is the BBC.” (David Schneider)

by **Ivan** Thu May 29, 2014 3:22 pm

UKIP is taking on the establishment by sending the 10th Earl of Dartmouth back to the European Parliament.

When the Lib Dems joined the coalition in 2010, it seemed more like they were entering the Tory Party.

Would those defending Prince Charles' right to free speech be so in favour if he wanted to nationalise the top 100 FTSE firms?

Shirley Williams is the Bruce Forsyth of politics, not that great in her day and way past it now.

Justine Greening to Cameron: "I didn’t come into politics to distribute money to people in the Third World."

Danny Alexander trying to explain economics is like watching a chimp trying to wire a plug – bound to end in failure.

Congratulations to the BBC, ‘Daily Express’ and ‘Daily Mail’ on their UKIP success. Shows that with a sustained media assault you can convince people of anything.

Only if he wakes up this morning to find Miriam has left him for Eric Pickles could things get any worse for Clegg.

Mauricio Pochettino is the new manager of Tottenham. Had to get that tweet posted quickly before they sack him.

Q: What's the difference between the Lib Dems and UKIP?
A: Lib Dems don’t like polls in their constituencies, UKIP doesn’t like Poles in any constituencies.

“Some people create their own storms, then get upset when it rains.” (Marilyn Monroe)

Danny Alexander may well claim that as not all votes were cast in the EU election, Lib Dems won using the Duckworth-Lewis method.

The BBC talks about the success of "far-right extremism" in France and Denmark, but never describes its darling UKIP in those terms.

Clegg has given his clearest hint yet that he will resign. He's said he won't.

Big challenge for Danny Alexander: he's been put in charge of organising the Lib Dem MEP leadership election.

Men in Barbours spotted choking back sobs and comforting weeping girlfriends on the District Line, amid news that Fulham now has a Labour council.

Nick Clegg's special adviser is on Sky News. Coming up next, Teddy Kennedy's driving instructor.

I'm really glad I took an instant dislike to Simon Hughes in 1983. It's saved me so much time over the years.

"People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel." (Maya Angelou)

The Lib Dem vote is so low these days that even Danny Alexander could count it.

For a successful job interview, turn up stinking of beer, say you'll do no work but you'll claim huge expenses. It works for UKIP.

Q: A Lib Dem and a Tory are standing on the edge of a cliff. Who do you push first?
A: The Tory. Business before pleasure.

by **Ivan** Sat May 31, 2014 12:57 pm

Voting UKIP as a protest vote is the equivalent of chopping your foot off because you've got a blister.

Sebastian Coe - lifelong Tory, former Tory MP, now Tory peer. No doubt he's a candidate for the BBC chair because of his record at 800m and 1500m.

It's hard not to feel sorry for Nick Clegg. Hard, but not impossible.

Two-thirds of the way through ‘BBC Question Time’, Harry Redknapp should have appeared and substituted Joey Barton with Bobby Zamora.

“Tories have added an extra hour for school sport, most of which is spent travelling to find the nearest unsold playing field.” (David Schneider)

‘The Daily Mail' could probably discern left-wing bias in 'Mein Kampf' if it really put its mind to it.

Auditions continue for a remake of 'Wind In The Willows', but there's only one contender for the role of Mr Toad.

Favourite 'tweets' - Page 5 Bo80INvCQAAB68L

Favourite 'tweets' - Page 5 Bo80INvCQAAB68L

https://pbs.twimg.com/media/Bo80INvCQAAB68L.png

The Tory method of ending the pay gender gap is to lower men's wages.

"I'm not homophobic, I'm not scared of my house." (Peter Kay)

Clive James – a bloody immigrant coming over here entertaining, educating and making us laugh out loud for decades.

More Orwellian doublespeak - Hammersmith Hospital's A&E is set to close in September "as part of a programme to improve health services".

Nigel Farage being busy at a desk in Brussels can only mean one thing; it's the day to submit expenses.

Tory Boris Johnson thinks Tory Sebastian Coe would be "a first-rate choice" to succeed Tory Chris Patten as chair of the 'impartial' BBC.

by **Ivan** Mon Jun 02, 2014 10:35 pm

“I think the Green Party would do a lot better in elections if their voters put their votes in the ballot box rather than the recycle bin.” (Lee Hurst)

Britain's unelected House of Lords is the largest legislative assembly outside of the Chinese National People's Congress in Beijing.

I hope for their sake the Lib Dems have taken out third party insurance.

"Never in decades have I seen such public enthusiasm for a political campaign", tweets UKIP’s Roger Helmer. That’s because he is usually asleep.

I assume the Yes campaign is paying Jacob Rees-Mogg to go to Scotland to speak against independence. Money well spent.

Cameron: "I will cut the cost of politics". This is the biggest government ever - 121 ministers, 95 special advisers and 160 new peers since 2010.

Why risk the benefits of EU membership because of boozy hysteria and ignorance whipped up by a xenophobic mob led by an expenses fiddler?

Tory Robert Jenrick says that just because he has three homes “it doesn't mean I don't know about life on the breadline”.

Worldwide, only Iran and UK still reserve places in their parliaments for unelected religious clerics.

Edwina Currie logic – foodbanks are bad, but putting Jimmy Savile in charge of Broadmoor was good.

UKIP are demanding "equal airtime to Tories and Labour" during the general election campaign. I'm surprised they're willing to take such a cut.

Clegg's popularity is -65%. That's somewhere between getting the Ebola virus and going for a night out with Iain Duncan Smith and Esther McVey.

by **Ivan** Sat Jun 07, 2014 4:06 pm

Veterans at D-Day celebrations fought to save the UK. Cameron at D-Day celebrations sells off the UK to foreigners, cronies and Tory donors.

David Dimbleby described Nigel Farage as "the man whose hour has come". Did he mean ‘happy hour’?

The USA's National Rifle Association has come up with the solution to all the campus shootings - "there are too many colleges".

75% of UKIP supporters are over 70, 15% are under 40. Most are men. ‘The Sun’, ‘Express’ and ‘Mail’ are their newspapers of choice.

Who would have expected Liberal Democrats - so opposed to ID cards - to allow the Tories to pass a gagging bill and bring in secret trials?

Jack Wilshere really does have glass ankles. I reckon he'd get injured playing against a gust of wind.

UKIP demands places in the House of Lords in return for promising to back the Tories most of the time. Will it be Lord Farage of ‘The Dog and Duck’?

Charles Windsor lacks self-awareness. The veterans at D-Day, including his father, saw action. He never has, so why wear all those medals?

UKIP – the Tory Party at closing time.

How can it be “an NHS scandal" when a private sector firm supplies it with contaminated baby food? It’s a Tory privatisation scandal.

As a so-called anti-establishment party, shouldn't UKIP be vowing to scrap the House of Cronies rather than making wheedling demands for peerages?

"Idiots are always in favour of inequality of income (their only chance of eminence) and the really great in favour of equality." (George Bernard Shaw)

Those who died on D-Day were trying to save us from right-wing extremists like UKIP and the scum they affiliate with in the EU Parliament.

"I'd like to give professionals more freedom, but I know what's best." (Michael Gove)

Osborne doesn’t think the gap between the rich and poor is right – but he’ll keep increasing it until it is.

I'm outside the UKIP south east conference in Eastbourne. It doesn't look much like an earthquake, more like Age Concern.

The Lib Dems have lost so many deposits that the head of the Electoral Commission could buy a Lamborghini with the proceeds.

by **Ivan** Wed Jun 11, 2014 12:17 am

Nothing demonstrates the malign influence of Rupert Murdoch better than the knucklehead who his papers promoted in Australia - Tony Abbott.

“Hand it to the Tories. Their policies cause social destruction, Oxfam tries to deal with the consequences, Tories attack it for being political.” (Owen Jones)

While walking my dog this morning, I heard a bird in the trees make a screaming noise. At first I thought it was Maria Sharapova.

Gove has criticised Islamic schools for not teaching evolution. This is the same Gove who approved three creationist Christian schools in 2012.

The Trojan Horse which should concern us most is Rupert Murdoch's infiltration of our government with minions like Coulson, Gove and Hunt.

Francis Maude believes private is best at delivering services more cheaply. Of course, just look at our railways, water, energy and NHS.

“Bus Pass Elvis Party leader may resign after that disastrous Newark by-election, in which the party even came behind the Lib Dems.” (Mark Steel)

Tory MP Conor Burns thinks Oxfam should only deal with poverty abroad. Thought the Tories wanted charity to begin at home?

Boris Johnson explains why people aren’t voting Tory: “There is a kind of peasants’ revolt going on.”

Tony Abbott is the first politician to make George W. Bush seem intelligent.

"We hated the Conservative government because of the unhappiness that they had caused for so many people." (Rik Mayall)

#BritishValues:-

- Colonise the world, steal treasure, put it in the British Museum.

- Giving schools freedom from government interference on the strict understanding the schools do exactly what Michael Gove wants.

- When those we elect to ensure law and order spend their time at depraved child sex brothels.

- Trying to be a big player on the world stage and interfering in other countries, when our own house needs to be put in order.

- Hating immigrants on benefits without a job, but being prepared to fight to the death for the royal family.

- School governors need training, but secretaries of state don't.

- Hitting the poor and disabled people with the bedroom tax while millionaires get a tax cut.

- Moaning about foreigners speaking their own language on a bus, then going to Spain and complaining that nobody in the bar speaks English.

- Being arrogant enough to tell the rest of the EU what they must do, while at the same time threatening to leave the club.

- Super-wealthy woman sitting on a golden throne talking about austerity and plastic carrier bags.

by **Ivan** Fri Jun 13, 2014 1:10 pm

Apparently Dave Brat is a Tea Party nutcase from Virginia. At first I thought someone had come up with an appropriate new name for Cameron.

Liam Fox finds it "preposterous" that the leader of the largest group in the EU Parliament might be its president. What happens at Westminster?

Cameron believes "the wind is blowing his way". Maybe he shouldn't sit so near Eric Pickles after lunch.

The Tories crashed the economy for three years and then expect us to be grateful when we get artificial unsustainable growth.

Did I hear Cameron rubbishing the last Labour government's ID scheme? People without passports could have used them to travel in the EU.

I'm sorry to hear that homosexuality makes some older UKIP voters uncomfortable. Maybe they should try using a lubricant.

Tories believe that the rich will only work if you give them money and the poor will only do so if you take it away.

The Trussell Trust is told to shut up or be shut down. This is how those who cause poverty treat those who alleviate it.

UK economic growth is due to a housing boom and increased personal debt. Exactly what the Tories criticised Labour for.

Danny Alexander thinks the Lib Dems could be the largest party in British politics by 2025. Failure seems to have gone to his head.

Government figures count you as employed even if you are not paid, you work one hour a week or your job lasts one day. Why doesn't the BBC point this out?

If they're worried about Trojan Horses in schools, let's just take woodwork off the syllabus.

Be fair to Nigel Farage. Who hasn't accidentally claimed £205,000 to which they're not entitled?

In Toryland, the increased demand for passports is because of the booming economy. Just like queues at A&E are caused by delighted OAPs doing cartwheels.

by **Ivan** Sat Jul 05, 2014 11:15 pm

As a taxpayer I'm sick of subsidising scroungers. So when are UKIP MEPs actually going to do the work we pay them for?

How capitalism fails us - if interest rates go up, fewer mortgages are issued, private builders reduce production, housing shortage worsens.

Rolf Harris gets less than six months per sexual assault. Good job he didn't steal a bottle of water or he'd have been in real trouble.

"Better to die fighting for freedom then be a prisoner all the days of your life.” (Bob Marley)

'Trickle down economics' - the Tory lie that making the rich even richer benefits everyone is really just about the wealthy pissing on the poor.

“The farmers have really entered into spirit of the Tour de France” says ITV. A sign at the side of the road says ‘Parking £25’.

Would it seem reasonable that if you want to work for the state, you should have been educated by the state? It might bring politicians closer to voters.

The Tories are determined to take us back to 18th century ways of doing things - so will they be transporting Rolf Harris to Botany Bay?

“No society can legitimately call itself civilised if a sick person is denied medical aid because of lack of means.” (Nye Bevan)

According to that idiot Tony Abbott, Australia was “unsettled” before the British arrived. Has he never heard of Aborigines?

Under the cloak of austerity, the primary purpose of this government is to move public money into private pockets as fast as humanly possible.

Rolf Harris is expected to feature with Max Clifford and Stuart Hall in the next edition of 'I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here'.

“The most effective way to destroy people is to deny and obliterate their own understanding of their history.” (George Orwell)

I thought UKIP MEPs with their backs turned were making their maiden speeches - after all they do talk out of their arses.

by **Ivan** Sat Jul 12, 2014 3:06 pm

Well done to Arjen Robben for getting out of the Dutch team bus without falling over three times.

Cameron says "no stone will be left unturned". Can't he just slither back under the one from whence he came?

The worldwide recession was caused by poorly paid women workers at Sure Start in Middlesbrough. Didn’t everyone know that?

“The hardest thing to learn in life is which bridge to cross and which to burn.” (David Russell)

Iain Duncan Smith has compared himself to William Wilberforce. Yes, one fought to end slavery and the other works tirelessly to bring it back.

Strictly speaking, the £1 billion shortfall from the Royal Mail sale isn't lost. It's in the pockets of Tory spivs and speculators.

Henry Smith MP: “Labour’s hypocrisy knows no limit – they say one thing, then do another.” Could never say that about his fellow Tories, could you?

"We will not persist with top down reorganisations that have caused terrible disruption, demoralisation and waste in the NHS." (Cameron, 20/08/09)

When watching Germany thrash Brazil, Mrs Farage hadn’t been so happy since she was single.

“Austerity is the imposition of capitalism on the poor and the gift of socialism for the rich - the majority service the debts of the few.” (John Pilger)

Cameron is happy to do business with a dictatorship but has issues with the European Parliament making decisions he doesn't like.

Selling the Vince Cable way - I've just advised my neighbour that his new BMW is worth £50 and I'll buy it off him for that price.

Under Cameron, One Nation Tories have been eclipsed by Large Donation Tories.

IDS says Brazil's campaign to win the World Cup is still on time and on budget. Earlier he also declared the England team to be fit for work.

If Esther McVey becomes culture secretary, irony will die. She probably thinks Flaubert is Yogi's girlfriend and Balzac is a word for scrotum.

by boatlady Sat Jul 12, 2014 4:34 pm

Now I know you're back, Ivan - another nice selection - thanks

by **Ivan** Fri Jul 25, 2014 7:06 pm

“Substance in politics isn't hugging a husky to get elected then cutting the ‘green crap’ afterwards.” (Maria Eagle)

If we’ve got the strongest recovery in Europe, why have the poor got to suffer billions more in cuts this year and next year?

Sacked Tory minister Owen Paterson thinks Tony Abbott and Stephen Harper are "champions of environmental protection".

Cameron doesn't want prisoners to get the vote. I hope he remembers that if and when he gets banged up for the corrupt way he has run the UK.

Truth is the first casualty - not just in war, but every time a Tory opens his or her mouth.

The only people who believe the economy is improving are millionaires who had a £150,000 tax cut.

Will Cameron threaten Putin that Russian billionaires won't be allowed to contribute to Tory funds if he doesn't behave? I somehow doubt it.

Isn't that bit of paper in the Queen's Baton just the receipt from Argos?

I've been "watching my weight" and, rest assured, it's still there.

Privy sealed? Michael Gove was mocked for getting stuck in a Commons toilet on his first day in his new job.

After our sporting 'successes' this year, a desperate Cameron will be watching the Commonwealth Games for someone with whom to share a mugshot.

It takes approximately 40,000 ants to equal one human brain, yet they can still run a colony better than the GOP.

All those Cameron attacks on Labour’s links to unions, yet UK foreign policy appears to be influenced by the Tories being in hock to Russian oligarchs.

I wonder if Michael Fallon got his charisma by-pass on the NHS or went private?

Tories behave more like mafioso than statesmen. They're just crooks really, at the behest of corporations.

Strange that those who bang on about political correctness often complain of a decline in good manners and politeness since their youth!

The Tories want to be part of the EU when there is a Russian bear at the door, but not when there is UKIP to be beaten.

“I'm not from central casting. You can find people who are more square jawed, more chiselled, look less like Wallace.” (Ed Miliband)

by oftenwrong Wed Jul 30, 2014 7:56 pm

Just as you think that nothing else could possibly go wrong - it does.

Favourite 'tweets' - Page 5 BtzXpv9IUAA-uN4

by **Phil Hornby** Wed Jul 30, 2014 8:03 pm

What a cock-up... Shocked

by oftenwrong Wed Aug 06, 2014 11:35 am

See? There's another one I used to have in my Cabinet

Favourite 'tweets' - Page 5 BuV_aJ_IQAAWbua

by boatlady Wed Aug 06, 2014 5:51 pm

David Cameron is becoming famous as the man who likes pointing at fish - it's his wife I feel sorry for - she looks a bit embarrassed - as who wouldn't?

by **Ivan** Sat Aug 09, 2014 11:39 pm

We can hardly mock Americans who support Sarah Palin and Michele Bachmann when so many British idiots are taken in by Boris Johnson.

After six years of Boris Johnson as Mayor, London is the region with the highest level of poverty in Britain (37%).

“I became a journalist because I didn't want to rely on the press for my information.” (Christopher Hitchens)

Why should a female warship officer be sacked over an affair, when it's okay to be a serial adulterer if you're the Tory Mayor of London?

Boris Johnson has called the EU deal to cap bankers' bonuses "the most deluded measure since Roman times".

Nicky Morgan says children need to learn British values - she forgot to add by ignoring Conservative ones.

Apparently Nigel Farage and Boris Johnson are the two most popular politicians in the country. They're also the laziest.

Just what Westminster needs to show that it's in touch with the public - another bloody Old Etonian, Bullingdon Club toff.

The USA has the Tea Party, the UK has the Etonian Earl Grey Party.

"The growing gulf between rich and poor is inevitable because millions of people are too stupid to get on in life." (Boris Johnson)

Desperate Tory line that "the UK is the most rapidly growing economy in the G7" is on a par with claiming a fastest lap when rivals are already two laps in front.

Regardless of which Tory constituency association is dumb enough to choose Boris Johnson, he'll still just be the MP for banking and bonking.

Chris Grayling: "When you donate to the Tories, you don't buy policy decisions." No, you write the policies yourself, as Adam Beecroft did.

Boris went to Eton, where people are taught how to run the world despite having little natural talent for it.

Boris Johnson can see Watford from his house.

“I respect Warsi’s principled resignation, but she’s unelected. But for Cameron’s tokenism, her views would carry no more weight than the postman’s.” (Richard Dawkins)

Imagine the sorry state of what is left of the Tory Party if the likes of Boris Johnson are tipped for the top job.

Boris Johnson has the moral code of a priapic magpie and the civic duty of Lindsay Lohan.

Tories are the sort of people who would flay the skin off your body and then sell it back to you as clothing.

As Mark Twain would have told Boris Johnson: "If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything."

The new chair of Ofsted is an academy group trustee. So we can guess what will happen to schools which are reckoned to be failing, can't we?

Boris Johnson would like to bring back hunting with hounds and he says he enjoys the sight of intestines pouring onto grass.

Remember that in BBC and tabloid speak, the Tories have 'donors' while Labour has 'paymasters'.

Boris Johnson believes gay marriage should not be legal because it could lead to people marrying their dog. Just as his wife did.

With Cameron's track record of bare-faced lying, do the Tories expect anyone to believe a word of anything they promise in the election campaign?

"Boris will break a long-standing promise to Londoners that he would not become an MP while he was Mayor." (David Lammy)

‘From Russia With Love’ was a novel in 1957 and a film in 1963. Now in 2014 it's a Tory Party funding stream.

Millions spent on a useless cable car, closed fire stations, increased homelessness, water cannons bought for use in London. You are very amusing, Boris!

Tories cry: "It's not us, GPs are giving NHS contracts to private companies." And just who passed the law which made market competition compulsory?

Boris Johnson "reaches parts of the electorate other Tories can't". But not their brains, their common sense, their judgement or their memory.

All that Warsi has achieved in her time in office is to help the Tories by being the token Asian woman in a party full of rich WASP gits.

Why doesn't Boris Johnson become the Tory candidate in a Liverpool seat? Then after he's been thrashed he can "wallow in his own self-pity".

by oftenwrong Sun Aug 10, 2014 7:08 pm

QUOTE: "The growing gulf between rich and poor is inevitable because millions of people are too stupid to get on in life." (Boris Johnson)"

edit: after "too stupid to" insert have been born Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson to wealthy parents, to have been sent to expensive Public Schools, followed by Balliol Oxford then become a trainee reporter for The Times, (and get on in life).

by **Ivan** Mon Aug 25, 2014 11:27 pm

“Cameron - as sleek as a human aubergine, tetchily returning from holiday after holiday to rail against a culture of entitlement." (Ian Martin)

I don't do the lottery (taxation on the daft), but Sainsbury's announced it was "a double rollover". Sounds like the Lib Dems in government.

“Morality is doing right, no matter what you are told. Religion is doing what you are told, no matter what is right.” (H. L. Mencken)

Cameron says he can stay on holiday and run the country on his BlackBerry. A soon to be obsolete PM using soon to be obsolete technology.

Iain Duncan Smith is indirectly responsible for over 1,300 deaths. Is he trying to break Harold Shipman’s record?

It's weird how it's illegal to pay someone £5 an hour but perfectly fine to pay them £0 an hour.

I see 'Night of the Creeps' is on Film 4. Presumably it's a documentary about the Tory Party Summer Ball?

“Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.” (Martin Luther King)

I think Nigel Farage would blame the EU if he spilt his breakfast down his suit.

“Cameron has the strategic brain of a goldfish swimming forgetfully around a bowl." (Kevin Maguire)

If you think Ed Miliband is weird, don't worry - just let the Tories win the election so they can finish off the NHS and the welfare state.

Iain Duncan Smith tells ‘The World At One’ that Mark Simmonds' resignation is not a disaster. Perhaps not, but he is.

Does Cameron’s BlackBerry have an app for finding mislaid daughters?

Rennard case was resolved when Lib Dems decided to implement Sharia law on sexual harassment; only male testimony counts.

"Scots are subsidy junkies whingeing like a trampled bagpipe as they wait for next fix of English taxpayers' money." (Lord Monckton, UKIP)

Q: How do you stop a Tory from drowning?
A: Why would you want to?

Cameron says he needs to do more for the family. Maybe he will also include the nanny, the gardener and the chauffeur.

Are you male and born before 06/04/1951? If so, at the age of 65 you'll be able to both collect your state pension and join UKIP's youth wing.

Family friendly policies? How about no child to be dependent on a food bank?

Lynton Crosby recognises that Cameron is a blustering idiot who can't debate. He'd rather the election was fought at bacon sandwich level.

It's ironic that those who support an unelected head of state like to use opinion polls to justify the denial of democracy which it involves.

Cameron says the world will be fighting Islamic State "for the rest of his political lifetime". Not that long then.

When I saw mention of the Tripe Marketing Board, I thought it must be a Tory propaganda unit.

“UKIP and the Tories are two cheeks of the same arse, with Farage and Cameron fighting it out for the role of chief anus.” (Stan Collymore)

I dislike John Major for many reasons, but one is that no woman of equal mediocrity would have been given his opportunities.

“Cameron should sack himself: the bedroom tax, freezing child benefit and shutting Sure Start centres all fail his family test." (Kevin Maguire)

UKIP blames immigrants for unemployment, while the Tories blame the unemployed for immigration!

Do you really want Murdoch, Crosby, 'The Daily Mail' and a few hedge fund managers and Russian oligarchs to choose our government?

Iain Duncan Smith is the Igor to Cameron's Frankenstein.

No doubt all those Tories saying that Baroness Warsi wasn't elected are also complaining about the Tory donors placed in the House of Lords recently?

Scientists are saying neanderthals lived alongside humans for centuries. Go to any UKIP gathering and you'll see that they still do.

by **Ivan** Tue Sep 02, 2014 2:30 pm

"The Conservative Party is run a bit like HMV, and if it does not change it will go the way of HMV." (Douglas Carswell)

Germans blamed the League of Nations and Jews for their ills and thought Nazis were ‘different’ from the establishment parties. Does that sound familiar?

Cameron says the ISIS murderers in Syria and Iraq are a threat to the UK. Last year he wanted to arm them to fight Assad.

The establishment has given us a party of protest funded by millionaires and led by a Thatcherite former City broker.

Strange that the threat level to the UK from terrorism didn't need to be increased to severe until Cameron had finished all of his holidays.

“Sometimes people don't want to hear the truth because they don't want their illusions destroyed.” (Friedrich Nietzsche)

No doubt UKIP's new candidate, Douglas Carswell, will campaign in Clacton against incomers taking UKIP supporters' jobs?

Those who forget past mistakes are doomed to repeat them. Do we really want a gobby little runt like Germany had in the 1930s?

I hope there are no more Tory defections to UKIP; I’m not sure I could take another increase in security threat levels.

Clegg disapproves of internal exile for suspected terrorists - but does he say anything about benefit claimants being moved out of London?

“It is mainstream Britain which needs to integrate more with the Muslim way of life, not the other way round.” (Cameron, 13 May 2007)

UKIP is the establishment’s means of drawing and then disposing of the anti-establishment thorn in British politics.

The threat of election defeat for the UK’s Tory-led government has been raised from probable to severe.

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall but fell and cracked his head,
ATOS declared him fit for work, even though he's dead.

Cameron tries to frighten us with talk about extremists, yet he's never been shy of giving them jobs in his odious government.

Told a chap he is a hypocrite. He had a UKIP poster in his window while employing five Romanian labourers to pave his drive.

"Tell them they are being attacked; it works the same way in any country." (Hermann Wilhelm Göring)

So Carswell (banker, Charterhouse) has been persuaded to take on the elite by Farage (banker, Dulwich) and Wheeler (banker, Eton, UKIP millionaire donor).

Threat to health from reading 'The Daily Mail' has been raised from mind-boggling to mind-numbing.

"We have inflation-busting fare rises...and a mayor intent on wasting millions on vanity projects such as the Thames cable car.” (Val Shawcross)

UKIP is the only party that specifically bans former BNP members. Maybe that’s because it's the only party which attracts them.

Carswell should be a lesson for former Labour voters thinking of "giving UKIP a chance"; do they really want the party for far-right Tories?

Cameron, if Scotland leaving the UK would create business uncertainty, what does the prospect of a referendum on the UK leaving the EU do?

Some tweeters don't know the difference between defecting and deflecting. The first is what Carswell did, the second was Cameron's response.

UK threat level is IDS - this year, more people have died as a result of Tory Party policies than from terrorist attacks.

“I stab people in the front, not the back.” (Douglas Carswell)

You can tell UKIP is ‘The People's Army’ because it's bankrolled by a hedge fund manager called Crispin and a former Tory donor worth £650m.

Cameron says he needs to do more for the family. Maybe his plan will also include the nanny, the gardener and the chauffeur.

Biggest fight since the summer of 1963 in Clacton, only this time it’s between Carswell and the chosen UKIP candidate. Odds v. Off their Rockers.

by oftenwrong Sun Sep 14, 2014 7:35 pm

Favourite 'tweets' - Page 5 BxfGCWhIAAAKrhH

Only joking folks!

by boatlady Sun Sep 14, 2014 8:14 pm

Would love to see that in reality - made me laugh

by oftenwrong Thu Sep 25, 2014 7:29 pm

Just as you think that things couldn't possibly get any worse - they do!

Favourite 'tweets' - Page 5 Enhanced-4782-1411489212-21

by boatlady Fri Sep 26, 2014 9:25 am

by **Ivan** Mon Oct 06, 2014 3:38 pm

Cameron is just like a cheap Chinese-made record player - looks retro and appears solid but is actually plastic-coated cardboard.

Funny how nothing has changed from Marie Antoinette until now. The rich are still clueless, entitled and out-of-touch.

Eid Mubarak is trending. UKIP supporters probably think it’s the geezer who used to run Egypt - or would that be too intelligent a response?

Ed Miliband may have problems eating a bacon sandwich, but I reckon he would keep his mouth shut about his conversations with Mrs Windsor.

What kind of ‘Bill of Rights’ can exist without a written constitution, is written by a single elitist party, and can be amended with ease?

By leaving the European Court of Human Rights, the Tories want Britain to join Belarus - the last dictatorship in Europe.

I'm not surprised about an unlawful entry into the White House. After all, it happened in 2000 when Bush did it.

Tories say they’re rewarding hard work. By 2015, working people will have seen the biggest fall in wages of any Parliament since 1874.

Brooks Newmark was going to defect to UKIP, but he wasn't accepted once it was revealed he could use the internet.

“Human Rights are sacred liberties, only to be given up in extreme circumstances. Like if your party faces a couple of tricky by-elections.” (John O’Farrell)

We've reached the point where no possible consequences of not re-electing this government can be worse than the certain consequences of doing so.

Cameron has clearly studied Marx (Groucho, not Karl) who said: "It's all about sincerity. If you can fake that, you've got it made."

The UK seems like a market stall run by lunatics these days. Flog anything that moves and write off huge sections of your society.

Cameron now believes nobody on the minimum wage should pay income tax. But he hasn't yet told us how much he wants to lower the minimum wage.

Nicky Morgan talks about stamping out homophobic bullying in schools. Might have helped if she hadn't voted against equal marriage.

Like the burglar who's stealing your furniture but swears he's improving your home, Cameron's nerve is quite gob-smacking.

Jacob Rees-Mogg wants Somerset time to be 15 minutes behind the rest of the UK. That would still be 200 years ahead of him.

“Cameron guarantees 7-day-a-week access to GP surgeries, though due to cuts and disenchantment he can't guarantee there'll be any GPs.” (David Schneider)

Theresa May wants to ban hate preachers from television. That’s good, she can start with Iain Duncan Smith.

“Sometimes it's like we've got David Brent as our Prime Minister.” (Harriet Harman)

Saw the UKIP delegates leaving their conference - they looked like Chislehurst Old Rotarians on their annual visit to see ‘The Mousetrap’.

by boatlady Mon Oct 06, 2014 9:01 pm

Wonderful selection today - thanks - made me giggle

by **Ivan** Fri Oct 10, 2014 12:04 am

Lib Dems planning for post-2015 is like passengers on the Titanic discussing how they will spend their time in New York.

Half expecting Farage to claim the UK would be Ebola-free under a UKIP government - because we would be isolated from the rest of the world.

“David Cameron's world: You can leave home, join the Bullingdon Club, marry an heiress and a word from the Palace lands you a job.” (Kevin Maguire)

Take That's new album is called 'III', the Roman numeral 3, named after how many pounds Gary Barlow paid in tax last year.

36% of Lib Dem candidates plan to use Nick Clegg in their election literature. The others will use the more appealing Pol Pot or Harold Shipman.

The Tories attack free speech, human rights, and the vulnerable. Come on folks, you know where this is going.

Danny Alexander says Lib Dems “will do very well" in next year's election. He also thinks Peter Stringfellow will be the next Pope.

Arse & elbow Tories - Michael Fallon says Ebola screening ineffective (a.m.), numskull Osborne agrees (midday), screening introduced (p.m.).

Osborne trying to blame Eurozone for expected slowdown in UK economy. Is he afraid people might think "it was all the Tories' fault"?

Iain Duncan Smith plans to abolish the "heat or eat" problem - by making sure that you can't afford to do either.

If you were unable to attend the UKIP conference, you can create a realistic alternative by dropping some acid and riding a ghost train with Jim Davidson.

Tory Britain - first country investigated by UN regarding ‘grave and systemic violations’ of human rights of its sick and disabled citizens.

Oops! Tory chairman Grant Shapps thinks your home is worth more than £2m. Or perhaps he meant it to be in Russian.

Some Tories, such as Brooks Newmark, seem to have trouble controlling their members.

To lose one MP is careless. To lose two is Reckless.

Just like Labour, UKIP planned to invite an elderly supporter who had lived through the depression to its conference, but it then found out that Oswald Mosley is dead.

Only Tories could think: cutting welfare is good, losing public health is good, low/no pay is good, bankers’ bonuses are good, human rights are bad.

The UK doesn't need Ebola to cull the population - we've got Iain Duncan Smith and Esther McVey.

I think the police ring of steel around the Tory conference was to keep their MPs in the party.

by oftenwrong Wed Oct 15, 2014 12:10 am

Rochester? Wear the fox hat

Favourite 'tweets' - Page 5 Bz7F7X3CUAIZf5z

by **Ivan** Wed Nov 05, 2014 12:21 am

How dare José Barroso talk about freedom of movement when so many UKIP supporters have to wear straitjackets!

“Always do at once what you know you’ll have to do in the end.” (Henry Kissinger)

The Tories changed their logo to a tree before the last election, then they tried to sell off our forests once they got into power.

"Put Farage in jackboots and a leather trench coat and he’ll look just like a gay Dr Who." (Frankie Boyle)

If Fiona Woolf couldn’t write a letter independently, how could she have written a report?

It’s no wonder Cameron was angry at an EU demand for money. He and his ilk don’t understand about paying taxes, they're for little people.

I’m not sure why Farage thinks plain cigarette packaging is "utterly bloody barmy". Isn’t it ideal for formulating UKIP policies?

"The Tory narrative on the UK economy is so full of holes it looks like a piece of Swiss cheese." (Ha-Joon Chang)

If Mitch McConnell's doctor told him he had a kidney stone, he'd refuse to pass it.

No British town is ‘swamped’ by immigrants, but plenty are immersed in lies peddled by opportunist bigots.

UKIP think-tank has worked out the hereditary element in reproduction - if your parents don't have any children, you probably won't either.

“Who would you rather have? A man who had a bad day with a bacon sandwich or a man whose director of communications has been sent to prison?” (Harriet Harman)

Nigel Farage must be delighted that his EU political grouping has been saved now that a Pole has moved in next door to UKIP.

Russell Brand says stop paying your mortgage or going to work. Let him know how that works out for you.

People say the country is a mess therefore they will vote for UKIP. Rather like saying, my head hurts therefore I will punch myself in the face.

Following the massive increase in homelessness since 2010, I wouldn't be surprised if Osborne opts for a cardboard box tax to boost revenue.

UKIP's ‘tanks on Labour's lawn’ in Yorkshire just turned out to be old septic tanks.

Cameron suffers from a malady common to elites: he wants to answer any question by saying: "How dare you?"

The clocks have had to be turned back an hour for winter, unless you’re a UKIP supporter who leaves them set in 1923, when everything was better.

“I lost a few paragraphs from my speech, you’ve lost a couple of MPs.” (Ed Miliband)

What does Farage have against elephants? 647 MEPs voted to crack down on the illegal ivory trade; 14 voted against, 6 of them were from UKIP.

When the Tories introduced the bedroom tax, they said “if you can’t afford it, move”. Same argument could apply to a mansion tax.

Just heard a UKIP supporter trying to work out why his sister has three brothers and he only has two.

The lies that Cameron has told since 2010 could fill a book longer than Tolstoy's 'War and Peace'.

“If I was incapable of running a train service between London and Glasgow, I'd probably branch out into something simpler like space travel.” (Frankie Boyle)

by stuart torr Wed Nov 05, 2014 4:56 am

Same with me though Ivan, my sister has only got two sisters yet I have three? very strange do you not think. Laughing

by boatlady Thu Nov 06, 2014 5:42 pm

I'm beginning to like Frankie Boyle - a lot

by **Phil Hornby** Thu Nov 06, 2014 6:39 pm

Things would have become truly awful for such a situation to arise for me... Shocked

by boatlady Thu Nov 06, 2014 7:12 pm

Things HAVE become truly awful - didn't you notice?

by oftenwrong Thu Nov 06, 2014 11:06 pm

boatlady wrote:Things HAVE become truly awful - didn't you notice?

Well, naturally, WE have noticed, but the political machinations may have been over-ridden by the anxieties of Finance Directors at such companies as Tesco, Morrisons, Sainsbury and the Co-Op as to whether their jobs are safe, now that the Public have been spooked by the Right-Wing Press into believing that the times they are a'changing.

by stuart torr Fri Nov 07, 2014 8:22 pm

$3.95 a minute Ivan? why the dollar sign? last time you did it was in the USA Laughing

only just noticed it boss.
Shame we cannot put big posters up OW every time we on here find something out new about this government is it not.

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