Favourite 'tweets'

by **Ivan** Thu Jan 26, 2012 5:23 pm

First topic message reminder :

For those of us who use 'Twitter', I thought it might be worth having a thread to share some of the interesting tweets we come across. Here are three that I've read today:-

Nick Clegg says "families are at boiling point". Well you put the gas under them, Clegg!

When a man talks dirty to a woman its sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man its $3.95 a minute.

No income tax, no VAT
No points last week off Man City
The future’s grim, he's looking pale
Harry Redknapp’s off to jail.

by oftenwrong Sun Jul 26, 2015 10:57 am

⠀☾ ‎@LayaliBaghdad_

If someone's dying next to you, ignore it. Because it's got nothing to do with you.
#GrowingUpInLondon 12:11 PM - 21 Jul 2015

by **Ivan** Sun Jul 26, 2015 11:40 pm

“I might be wrong, but I think Corbyn's appeal might be that he is not a warmongering lunatic nor a craven sheep who followed one.” (Jeremy Hardy)

When they talk about George Osborne, do they address him as a ‘hard right neoliberal’?

"If the left-wing are so 'unelectable', please tell me how the SNP won all those seats?" (Charlotte Church)

John Mann says the Labour leadership contest should be halted. The Blairites might not get the result they want if it is allowed to continue.

“It's unfair to Hitler's family to show pictures of him from 1933 giving a Nazi salute. He was young and had no idea how bad he'd become.” (Mark Steel)

‘Countryfile’ - the show for those who find ‘Songs of Praise’ or ‘Antiques Roadshow’ just too damn frightening.

Charlotte Church describes Blair as "emerging from his coffin, looking like a wax puppet from an American remake of a Japanese horror film".

“I think one reason why Jeremy Corbyn is doing well is that his words don't sound like they've been signed off by daleks.” (Rev Richard Coles)

by oftenwrong Mon Jul 27, 2015 12:36 pm

XVI Century tweet:

Brutus:
There is a tide in the affairs of men.
Which, taken at the flood, leads on to fortune;
Omitted, all the voyage of their life
Is bound in shallows and in miseries.
On such a full sea are we now afloat,
And we must take the current when it serves,
Or lose our ventures.

(Julius Caesar Act 4, scene 3, 218–224)

by **Phil Hornby** Mon Jul 27, 2015 3:36 pm

21st Century Tweet:

There was an old fellow called Corbyn
Whose policies some found absorbin'
But others less sure
Voted Labour no more
While placing the Left in a tailspin

by **Ivan** Wed Jul 29, 2015 11:50 pm

Lord Sewel had to leave the House of Lords, but why are convicted criminals like Archer and Hanningfield still allowed to be members?

As the Lib Dems found out in the West Country, if voters have a choice between a Tory and a Tory wannabe, they'll vote for the actual Tory.

Of course the young are voting for Corbyn. The Thatcherites and Blairites have left them with the most miserable prospects in modern history.

Cameron will lecture Africans and Asians on the venality of their politics, while blatantly selling seats in the House of Lords for cash.

Alex Salmond is not confident there’ll be another Scottish referendum in his lifetime, as he hasn’t had his blood test results back yet.

If Corbyn gets elected, will Burnham spend the rest of his career explaining how he "still thinks it was right to abstain” on that welfare bill?

Our Tory government wants to ban illegal highs, but apparently it’s okay for George Osborne to be off his face during PMQs.

Lord Sewel’s resignation is bad news for professional girls who planned to spend their bank holiday sitting on the end of the peer.

"Our media thinks the only people who are fit for anything are those who've internalised the assumptions of its propaganda." (Frankie Boyle)

In 2010, Cameron promised he would "reduce the cost of government". Expense claims by House of Lords' members have since increased by £4m.

Lord Sewel has been drummed out after showing contempt for Parliament. What exactly was Cameron doing when he allowed air strikes on Syria?

Having to choose between the Tories and UKIP is rather like being asked which STD you’d prefer.

Media tells us Corbyn's policies would "take us back to the 70s and 80s". No mention that Tory policies are taking us back to the 19th century.

One can only imagine how baffled Osborne must be seeing Lord Sewel taking cocaine with a prostitute and wearing a bra. What's with the bra?

by **Ivan** Sun Aug 02, 2015 11:59 pm

An aggressive cobra has been found in a high-rise apartment in Houston. The even more dangerous head of another one lurks in Downing Street.

Due to reduced oil exploration, 6,500 jobs have been cut at Shell, the only company in trouble when it’s not in deep water.

My heart goes out to any aspiring dystopian fiction authors who keep having their ideas stolen by the Tory Party.

"It's not just outdated, it’s bizarre to think 250,000 people would agree with each other all the time." (Stella Creasy)

May 2015 - Theresa May refuses to help EU with migrants landing in Italy and Greece.
Aug 2015 - Theresa May wants EU help with migrants in Calais.

by **Ivan** Tue Aug 04, 2015 11:57 pm

Osborne selling RBS at a loss to the taxpayer really means giving Osborne's pals a nice little early Christmas present.

"Millions of people feel the current 'centre ground' is in an atrocious place; they see in Corbyn someone who agrees with them." (Mark Steel)

A popular joke in the 1970s was that Ted Heath had refused to be rescued when he fell off his yacht because he was clinging to a buoy.

Tom Hayes found guilty of Libor rigging, after jury responds to his defence of “everybody was doing it” with fittingly low interest.

Chris Leslie represents the media friendly, pleasant face of Labour impotence.

Scottish maths exam deemed “too hard”, particularly the question: ‘If you have one referendum, and don't get the result you want…’

When Tories bang on about Brown's gold sale, remind them how Osborne sold shares in RBS at their lowest value this year, and at a discount.

Without Jeremy Corbyn, the Labour leadership contest would have been three people arguing over their favourite shade of magnolia.

Friends of Edward Heath are claiming "there isn't a shred of evidence against him". No, it's probably all at the bottom of the sea.

by **Ivan** Sun Aug 09, 2015 11:29 pm

The RSPCA sends its thanks to the Australian cricket team for helping boost the UK duck population.

Austerity and fracking share a common factor. The people who advocate them know they'll never have to experience their harmful effects.

Libor rogue trader is to make his prison life easier by doing income tax returns for the guards.

The Spice Girls tour without Victoria Beckham’s live performance will be “just like every other Spice Girls tour”.

Q. Why are Aussie batsmen like Michael Jackson?
A. They both have worn gloves for no apparent reason.

Donald Trump is still Republican front runner due to strong support amongst hardline conservatives, grass roots activists and joke writers.

"Marauding migrants threaten our standard of living" says Philip Hammond, whose party is presiding over the biggest fall since the 1870s.

They say Petr Cech can earn a football club 10-15 points a season. They just didn't say which club.

Q: Are there likely to be immigration controls if Scotland becomes independent?
A: They already exist, it’s called the weather.

Michael Clarke announces his retirement from Test cricket with effect from just before this Ashes series.

Before moaning about desperate migrants crossing the Mediterranean or occupying Calais, ask yourself if you'd like to be in their shoes.

Kids Company CEO Camila Batmanghelidjh claims she is being undermined by Camila Jokerghelidjh and Camila Riddlerghelidjh.

Survey shows many Brits feel it’s important to learn key phrases before travelling abroad, such as “which way to the Turkey/Syria border?”

Q: What do you call an Australian who is good with a bat?
A: A vet.

BBC denies that broadcasting ‘Songs of Praise’ from the Calais migrant camp is inappropriate, but drops plans to film ‘Antiques Roadshow’ in Syria.

by boatlady Mon Aug 10, 2015 7:36 am

Q: What do you call an Australian who is good with a bat?
A: A vet.

cruel Very Happy

by oftenwrong Mon Aug 10, 2015 11:04 am

"The Independent ‏@Independent · 20m20 minutes ago
Android Lollipop adoption rate increases – but Apple still showing how it should be done http://ind.pn/1UypBLV "

(Foreign students of the English Language abandon all hope of ever understanding)

by **Ivan** Wed Aug 12, 2015 12:12 am

I'm old enough to remember when Andy Burnham was the Labour frontrunner and was being demonised in the press as a dangerous leftie.

A Tom Jones concert ended abruptly because of a power cut. That’s a fairly rare occurrence but it's not unusual.

"Concerns rise that Labour may well have been infiltrated by people hell-bent on spreading hope and social justice." (David Schneider)

A UKIP voter got a message from his antivirus provider telling him to “close all windows”. He wasn't very pleased as it was quite a hot day.

It's clear that when Corbyn becomes Labour leader, the earth will spin off its axis and every pestilence in 'Revelations' will come to pass.

“Newspaper owned by man who got rich peddling pornography condemns the BBC for filming migrants singing hymns.” (J.K.Rowling)

If Donald Trump wins the US presidential election next year, you can bet there will be hell toupée.

Liz Kendall’s YouTube campaign video is incredibly popular – but only with advertisers who aren’t seeing users press ‘skip ad’.

by **Ivan** Fri Aug 14, 2015 11:24 pm

Tony Blair issues a stern warning that electing Jeremy Corbyn could lead to the annihilation of the Labour Party “within 45 minutes”.

Sports writer Tom Fordyce says Australia's Ashes collapse was like watching a trailer rather than the actual film.

Yvette Cooper is like a Hallmark card. Nice to look at while saying something vaguely empathetic and uplifting, but of no practical use at all.

Boots trouser your VAT but move their HQ to Switzerland to avoid paying UK taxes. I'd boycott them if I didn't shop at Superdrug.

The irony of the Corbyn phenomenon is that he's the only candidate attracting new voters, but he's getting castigated for it.

Hillary Clinton hands over email server to the FBI saying: "I did not have relations with that electronic communication apparatus".

The ‘extremists’ are the Tories who take money from the disabled, the sick and kids in poverty, and then give huge tax break to heirs of the wealthiest.

“Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river.” (Nikita Khrushchev)

Gordon Brown is next in line to warn voters that Jeremy Corbyn stamps on puppies and puts kittens in blenders.

José Mourinho has been urged to reinstate Chelsea medical staff at matches, due to lack of doctor availability at weekends.

In 1975 an ‘unelectable’ right-winger became leader of the Tories, much to the glee of their left-wing rivals. Guess what her name was?

“Yes, Jeremy Corbyn is the favourite but, given past history, I predict the Labour Party will end up electing his brother.” (David Schneider)

by **Ivan** Mon Aug 17, 2015 12:03 am

Jeremy Corbyn is told he won't be able to use the pound if he becomes Labour leader.

“As PM, Corbyn would renationalise children”, warns anonymous MP.

Labour MP says that Corbyn could never win the 2015 general election.

Scientists warn that an estimated 100% of people who vote for Corbyn will die within a century.

Corbyn may still be present in the Lancashire water supply.

“Corbyn does not count as one of your five-a-day”, warns health expert.

Don’t vote for Corbyn! Someone less popular would have a much better chance of winning the next election.

“Corbyn could detonate if stored at high temperatures”, warns MP.

The NHS refuses to release statistics on Corbyn-related injuries.

“In the long term, Corbyn would be even worse for the Labour Party than Tony Blair”, warns Tony Blair.

by **Ivan** Wed Aug 19, 2015 12:11 am

“Gordon Brown called for a leader who gives us hope, is credible, radical and electable - on which basis I'm backing Jeremy Corbyn.” (Cat Smith MP)

GPs counter the argument that 10 million antibiotic prescriptions a year are “too many”, saying only 3 million of them are legible.

Jeremy Corbyn once returned a video to Blockbuster without re-winding it. Don’t let this man run the Labour Party.

Still disappointed that after having a Pope John and later a Pope John Paul there hasn't yet been a Pope John Paul George.

Jeremy Corbyn puts oranges in the fruit bowl without taking them out of the netting.

Very small children can play together and take no notice of the colour of each other's skin. Why can't some adults show the same maturity?

Peter Mandelson issuing warnings about Jeremy Corbyn is like a poisonous snake saying “step on me, I won't hurt you”.

Greek Parliament votes 'Yes', but admits it's now been going on so long, they may have forgotten the question.

Jeremy Corbyn eats apples louder than is necessary.

It's no coincidence that Eric Clapton is an anagram of narcoleptic.

“When I look at Blairites lurching about trying to stop Corbyn, I wonder if they were ever really that good at politics or just lucky.” (Douglas Carswell)

Jeremy Corbyn has been known to mix plastics and garden refuse on recycling day.

I still have no idea why the British Apostrophe Society refused my membership application's.

Jeremy Corbyn once went into the ‘ten items or less’ queue in a supermarket when he had eleven items.

Units of time, in increasing order: second, minute, hour, day, week, month, year, decade, century, millennium, aeon, Labour leadership election, Chilcot.

by **Ivan** Thu Aug 20, 2015 11:54 pm

Cameron couldn't remember riding a horse, but Jeremy Corbyn is expected to recall someone he met six years ago.

There is further GCSE confusion as a religious studies paper was found to contain no answers.

“I can tell you Jeremy Corbyn has in the past met religious fanatic and mass-murdering war criminal Tony Blair, but he does not share his views.” (Jeremy Hardy)

Inspired by developments in Calais, the Tories confirm plans to use fencing and dogs to stop people from trying to get into A&E departments.

This Labour leadership contest has been going on so long that everyone was going to vote for Roy Hattersley when it started.

by **Ivan** Sat Aug 22, 2015 11:55 pm

There have been few sightings of the citrine wagtail and the booted warbler in the past three months, and even fewer of Nick Clegg.

Those people who think that Labour is a divided party should wait until the Tories start debating the EU referendum.

There are 38 million people on the Ashley Madison infidelity website, but it's the gays who are ruining the sanctity of marriage.

Kim Jong-un is saddened to declare a semi-state of war, which he calls “Seoul destroying”.

The announcement of EU-approved tax breaks for the UK film industry have been met with delight by HSBC Productions and Starbucks Studios.

“Spent my whole life both protesting and winning power to exercise it for social change. The two are not mutually exclusive.” (Ken Livingstone)

Which is more surprising - the incompetent IDS still being in the cabinet, or the hapless Adam Lyth being picked for an entire Ashes series?

Ashley Madison website data posted online has triggered a huge increase in sales of sofa-beds.

Rumour has it that if Jeremy Corbyn is elected, he will force Clarkson to drive around in an Austin Allegro for ever.

'Daily Express' says David Starkey's domineering mother drove him to success and herself to madness. Did they get that the right way round?

by boatlady Sun Aug 23, 2015 8:24 pm

Rumour has it that if Jeremy Corbyn is elected, he will force Clarkson to drive around in an Austin Allegro for ever.

That alone gets him my vote Very Happy

by **Ivan** Tue Aug 25, 2015 3:18 pm

"The argument that Jeremy Corbyn is unelectable is being made by three candidates who can’t even win an election against him." (Laurie Penny)

Network Rail bosses admit that staff use cars for business as "trains don't offer value for money".

Labour is worried that infiltration by Green, Lib Dem, Tory, UKIP and BNP voters will stop the party from appealing to the wider electorate.

I'm waiting for a Tory newspaper to tell us that China's current economic woes are "all Jeremy Corbyn's fault".

The Met Office has lost its BBC contract. True to form, they didn’t see it coming.

Take Iain Duncan Smith's advice: next time you're ill, don't trouble your GP, just get an extra job and you'll soon feel better.

The Chinese stock exchange has become a scene of wonton destruction.

A brewery has announced that Harriet Harman has not been given the job of organising its drinking parties.

The Tories unexpectedly won the 1992 election with a small majority. Soon after there was economic turmoil (Black Wednesday). Is history repeating?

Becoming a cuddly, Tory-lite party, in the hope that Tory voters would love them, annihilated the Lib Dems. Labour mustn't go down that path.

Labour is the sole cause of world recessions, but the Tories are “not immune from world events”. That's how it works isn't it?

Ashley Madison responds to the accusation of making people’s lives miserable by saying: “They started it by getting married”.

by **Ivan** Thu Aug 27, 2015 10:18 pm

Migration into the House of Lords is at record levels.

Duncan Smith has blasted firms for not employing disabled people. Of course that’s nothing like his government closing down Remploy, is it?

“I think very often the boat-rockers turn out to be the people who are building the craft.” (Tony Benn)

Growth has indeed returned under the Tories:-
Number of peers: UP
Net migration: UP
Deaths linked to welfare policy: UP.

There is no truth in the rumour that the Labour leadership election is Britain's longest running conflict since the Hundred Years’ War.

Roy Hattersley quits the House of Lords "as it goes against the idea of equality". Did he need to be a member for 18 years to work that out?

Nicola Sturgeon calls for a new BBC in Scotland, with catch-up services available on the Och Aye Player.

Government claims that its pledge to keep the numbers down to the tens of thousands actually applies to new Tory peers, not immigrants.

Labour under Corbyn would be "shouting from the sidelines" says David Miliband, shouting from the sidelines.

Isn't the Ulster Unionists’ decision to withdraw from the power-sharing executive similar to UKIP withdrawing from Parliament? No one will notice.

Fiddled your expenses? Or kicked out by the voters? Not to worry, bung a donation to the Tories and you can still be part of our "democracy".

Cameron attempted to bury bad news on the same day that net migration figures were released, but unfortunately Duncan Smith is still alive.

This government couldn't hit a target even if it was painted on Eric Pickles’ arse, so why does it bother to set them?

IDS says the DWP are investigating who created the fake DWP stories. On an unrelated matter, IDS's household mirrors apparently don't work.

If new peers are created at the current rate, then by 2031 everyone will be a lord. Who said logarithms were of no use?

After she fell off her treadmill while running naked, Carol Vorderman is “covered in burns”. That’s 2 on the top and 3 on the bottom.

by **Ivan** Fri Aug 28, 2015 11:34 pm

Watch your phones everyone, Rebekah Brooks is back.

What Cameron said: “We need to cut number of elected MPs to 600 to save money”.
What Cameron has done: increased size of House of Lords to 826.

Donald Trump says he will “do for America what he has done for business”. He’s filed for corporate bankruptcy four times.

2,500 people die after being found 'fit for work', but Iain Duncan Smith's special adviser is appointed to the House of Lords.

Fans of dystopian fiction know that Britain only truly riots when they cancel the Radio 4 shipping forecast.

‘Today’ programme talked to two peers who explained why the House of Lords is brilliant. A one-legged drunk with an inner ear infection has more balance.

What Priti Patel knows about economics wouldn't fill the back of a postage stamp.

Why does the USA bother to elect a president when the National Rifle Association clearly runs the country?

Before the latest additions, the House of Lords already had 30 more members than the European Parliament.

“Liz Kendall has the air of an office manager who’s just been on a course." (Frankie Boyle)

Tip for benefit cheats - don't defraud £20, they'll send you to prison. Instead, defraud £2,000 for moat cleaning and you'll get a peerage.

Logical conclusion of US gun lobby is that everyone should carry a nuclear bomb in case they meet a ‘bad guy’ carrying a chemical weapon.

It must have been a difficult decision for Rebekah Brooks: "Do I return to work for old Rupert, or do I take a seat in the House of Lords?".

Good that Sarah Palin’s interview of Donald Trump is on Friday night; after a long week, who wants to hear words bigger than three syllables?

Cameron defends giving a peerage to ‘Lord Moat’, saying it’s all water under the drawbridge.

by **Ivan** Sun Aug 30, 2015 12:49 pm

Blair makes another intervention in the leadership campaign, helping to ensure that anyone who still hasn't voted will back Jeremy Corbyn.

"Liz Kendall's campaign is based on changing Labour to be whatever people who hate it want it to be." (Frankie Boyle)

Simon Cowell has done to British music what the Luftwaffe did to Coventry.

The late Rik Mayall’s character Alan B'Stard now seems half decent when compared with evil scum like Iain Duncan Smith.

One for Cameron’s Christmas message: “It’s easier for a rich man to get into the House of Lords than it is for a poor man to visit a food bank”.

Priti Patel's family was given refuge in the UK from Idi Amin. Her lack of empathy is breathtaking.

Kim Jong-un hails the agreement with South Korea, saying the sides are remarkably close and uniquely aligned. A bit like his haircut.

For a few minutes every Sunday morning, BBC radio promotes a good cause. For the rest of the week, it promotes a bad cause - the Tory Party.

Blair was lucky, right time and right place to feed off disarray in the Tory Party. Do you think he would win an election now?

Why did Liz Kendall fail to turn up for BBC ‘Any Questions’? Has she thrown in the towel? If so, Osborne could teach her how to fold it.

"Britain is always in an awkward position talking about fighting extremism while we support and arm Saudi Arabia." (Frankie Boyle)

Many House of Lords employees are on zero-hours contracts. At the same time, many lords are on zero-work contracts, for which they get £300 per visit.

No one puts their children in a boat unless the water is safer than the land.

by **Phil Hornby** Sun Aug 30, 2015 1:53 pm

" Blair was lucky, right time and right place to feed off disarray in the Tory Party..."

Being 'lucky' three times would be quite a useful outcome for a Labour leader just now. Let's see how 'lucky' Corbyn - or whoever - will be!

And if , by some chance. a new leader does succeed in winning an election or two, they will be assured by the likelihood of descending from being currently lauded, to being dismissed as less than the dust and 'never the right choice' in a few short years time.

Fickle isn't the word for it...! Shocked

by **Ivan** Sun Aug 30, 2015 4:40 pm

Phil. Check opinion poll history – Labour won the 1997 election on 16 September 1992, when the party was led by the late John Smith. Or should I say, the Tories lost the election on that day, when Norman Lamont was behaving like the chancellor of a banana republic. Throw in five years of the biggest tax increases in peacetime from our so-called ‘tax-cutting’ party, in-fighting over Europe, all manner of sleaze from brown paper envelopes to an apparent suicide with an orange stuck in the mouth of the deceased, and anyone would have led Labour to victory.

Having stuck to Tory spending plans for his first two years, Blair had the underwhelming ‘baseball Willie’ against him in 2001 and ‘something of the night’ Howard in 2005. It might be sobering to remember that Blair took Gordon Brown everywhere with him on the campaign trail in 2005, in order to offset his own unpopularity over the Iraq war. And the great vote-winner actually presided over a loss of 30% of Labour votes (4 million) between 1997 and 2005, as the working class realised that ‘New Labour’ (what Thatcher called “her greatest achievement”) was largely a con trick to hold the fort until the Tories were strong enough to continue their destruction of both state and society.

On another thread I’ve felt, in the interests of fairness, to defend Blair against the suggestion that he’s largely responsible for the current refugee crisis. However, I think it’s hardly “fickle” to turn your back on a man who took us into an unnecessary war, who has made himself filthy rich doing PR work for dictatorships in Azerbaijan and Kazakhstan, and who now insults genuine Labour supporters for needing “heart transplants” and “to come to their senses” because they don’t happen to agree with him.

I’m afraid Blair has become an embarrassment, a constant reminder of the hope that existed in 1997 but was never fulfilled when he had massive majorities and could have permanently transformed society for the better. If he really has Labour’s interests at heart he will now crawl away into history. One of Frankie Boyle’s tweets about Liz Kendall could just as easily fit him - wanting to “change Labour to be whatever people who hate it want it to be”. Thatcher must be smiling in her grave.

by **Phil Hornby** Sun Aug 30, 2015 4:52 pm

Favourite 'tweets' - Page 9 Images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTwU5DxSAzQACNMwMt-kK5p1PvcSjVZKyao9M1acQoIZACRos4HaA

(bbc)

" Yeah - that Alex Ferguson : what did he ever do for us, eh...?"

by oftenwrong Sun Aug 30, 2015 7:52 pm

Not an actual tweet, though perhaps it may yet be, comes from The Sunday Times: A former special advisor to coalition Trade Minister Vince Cable, (who once thought the guillotine a suitable treatment for Bankers), one Emily Walsh has accepted a job with.... the British Bankers Association.

YCMIU, as an old friend used to say.

by **Ivan** Thu Sep 03, 2015 4:54 pm

Kids back at school, Yorkshire top of the county cricket championship, Nigel Farage on Radio 4 ‘Today’. The Natural Order is restored.

Cameron can recall Parliament to pay tribute to Thatcher but not to discuss the biggest refugee crisis for 70 years.

Arsenal fans in London are disappointed that the closest they will get to new strikers this season is an RMT picket line.

Nigel Farage is to unveil UKIP's ‘No’ campaign, which is odd because he wants to ban veils.

Cameron is confused by the message “Rebekah Brooks back in job - PMSL”, as he thought it meant “Prime Minister Sends Love”.

BBC spouts bullshit about Ma Windsor "leading the nation" on occasions. Here's her real chance to do so - invite refugees into 775-room Buck House.

Farage says he will “work with anyone”. Of course they will need to be white, middle aged, bigoted and immensely stupid.

'Baseball cap Willie' writes of "the left's slow drift into irrelevance". This is the idiot who also told us Gaddafi was on his way to Venezuela.

Osborne: "Corbyn is the greatest threat to national security since we said Miliband was the greatest threat to national security in April."

Does any disabled black lesbian from Romania fancy winding up Farage by offering to work with him?

Cameron’s conscience has been deemed 'fit to work' by ATOS.

Hague writes of Ed Miliband's "unnecessarily rapid departure". How long did he stay on as Tory leader after the 2001 election?

To mark the BBC’s renewed obsession with Nigel Farage, Thin Lizzy will release a special edition of 'The bore is back in town'.

Real Madrid’s deal for De Gea falls through after delay to documents from new Man Utd club secretary John Chilcot.

Favourite 'tweets' - Page 9 CN-uF75UYAA5_7C

Favourite 'tweets' - Page 9 CN-uF75UYAA5_7C

https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CN-uF75UYAA5_7C.jpg

by **Ivan** Sat Sep 05, 2015 12:31 pm

Apparently, there are three trillion trees in the world. Will Katie Melua be recording a song about that?

Donald Trump is front-runner in the Republican primary race. It's the only race left that he hasn't offended yet.

ISIS supporter Anjem Choudary has been given bail to walk around free in the UK, yet people facing certain death are being denied entry.

Tories plan another 500 free schools, more properly known as ‘free money taken from other kids to open schools where they're not needed schools’.

Humanitarian International, latest score: UK 216 v. Germany 800,000. Not sure this one will go to penalties.

Maybe Obama should change Mount St Helens to Mount Bush, since it nearly destroyed everything in its wake.

The refugee crisis is another example of Cameron making up policy on the hoof and then leading from behind.

Crying foul over free movement in the EU is like joining the MCC and then complaining that they play cricket. Free movement is the EU.

Maybe if Hillary had been reading 'My Pet Goat' during the 9/11 attack, Republicans wouldn't question her response time.

It’s taken 48 hours for Cameron to discover a ‘moral duty’. Why did it lie dormant for the previous 48 years?

If Donald Trump does become president, will he put a wig on his plane and call it Hair Force One?

Glad we were warned about the upsetting images on BBC News. The sight of Cameron in full hypocrisy mode is utterly nauseating.

Scott Walker says 12 states will decide the 2016 election. If Trump wins, those 12 states will include shock, confusion, outrage and despair.

by boatlady Sat Sep 05, 2015 3:40 pm

Cameron is confused by the message “Rebekah Brooks back in job - PMSL”, as he thought it meant “Prime Minister Sends Love”. so did I Very Happy

by **Ivan** Mon Sep 07, 2015 11:52 pm

Cameron: “The UK will take 20,000 refugees by 2020, or roughly 3 to 4 swarms”.

Osborne says the Tories are for working people. That must be why they're destroying trade unions and tax credits and encouraging zero hours contracts.

A UKIP supporter was told by his GP to "watch his drinking". So now he stands in front of a mirror with his glass.

Cameron says "Britain is a moral nation". Yes, tax cuts and cheap state assets for his rich cronies, benefit cuts for the sick and disabled.

‘Panorama’ forgot to add that when Jeremy Corbyn was a child, the friend of a friend of his once knocked on an old lady's door and ran away.

While the refugee crisis is in most people's minds, Liz, Phil & Charles Windsor "braved the cold" to attend the Braemar Games.

Cameron's response to Corbyn shows he has as much understanding of the Middle East as he does about the lives of the poor.

If you want to sort out ISIS, simply tell Duncan Smith that they are disabled benefit claimants. He will kill thousands single-handed.

Thought it was supposed to be sunny? Here in the north east it's duller than a Lib Dem electoral reform working party chaired by Danny Alexander.

“Cameron seems to believe that being an asylum seeker is like going to the theatre – one only does it if one has a ticket for a seat.” (Paddy Ashdown)

by **astradt1** Tue Sep 08, 2015 4:14 pm

Iain Duncan Smith says the opposite of disabled is 'normal'. Similarly, the opposite of Iain Duncan Smith is 'human'.

by boatlady Tue Sep 08, 2015 6:29 pm

by **Ivan** Wed Sep 09, 2015 11:58 pm

Tory government intends to seek permission from Parliament to already have launched air strikes in Syria.

There is a strange irony that ‘The Daily Mail’ has been celebrating Britain's longest running and highest paid benefits claimant today.

Tory minister Ros Altmann, who was expelled from the Labour Party, was also a member of the Lib Dems. It must have been easy to spot her in such a small electorate.

There is no truth in the rumour that Jacob Rees-Mogg thinks an iPad is a piece of cricketing apparel.

Without trial and without the approval of Parliament, the British state has killed British citizens by drone for a crime they might have intended to commit.

Are all BBC newsreaders gifted at forming a gormless expression when covering royal stories, or is there a special course?

“Paula Radcliffe MP implies performance enhancing drugs could be behind Queen's record-breaking achievement.” (David Schneider)

Fallon says "the UK could carry out more strikes against Britons". Can we request he targets those Britons in Downing Street and at the DWP?

Watched BBC news for a few minutes. The royal coverage is so syrupy that I fear I may contract diabetes. It's not possible is it?

"When Corbyn utters views, similar in some respects to those of Roy Jenkins and the SDP, he is seen as an extremist." (Steve Richards)

Journalists appear shocked that this government could target someone for execution in Syria. Why? IDS has been doing it for years in the UK.

On days like these I'm glad I no longer have a forelock to tug.

Cameron wanted to bomb some guys in Syria. Now he wants to bomb some different guys in Syria. Bombing is his answer, he just needed to work out who.

In this week's ‘we're all in it together’, tax credit cuts to hit thousands, as lady with several big houses celebrates 63 years on state benefits.

After breaking the England goal-scoring record, Wayne Rooney thanks those who stuck by him through thick and thin, then thick again after the implants.

The four-gun salute to celebrate Mrs Windsor’s record reign was almost drowned out by the drumming of Charles Windsor’s fingers.

“In the week that London again hosts the largest arms fair in the world, isn’t it time the government recognised the link between arms sales and the tragedy we’re seeing unfold around us?” (Caroline Lucas)

Today reminds us Britain has always welcomed those from other countries looking for a better life, especially if they wanted to marry our queen.

by **Ivan** Fri Sep 11, 2015 11:46 pm

Sadiq Khan wins the nomination to be routinely trashed in the press and online until at least 2016.

Congratulations to the Queen on becoming our longest reigning monarch, beating the previous record held by Sir Bobby Charlton.

Bad news for migrants - Denmark has put up road blocks to stop refugees. Good news - they're made of Lego.

Man Utd are still confident they can register David De Gea to vote in the Labour leadership election.

What a pointless life Nicholas Witchell has led, fawning over hereditary parasites who think that he's "an awful man".

"We’ve got to win back those who didn’t support us in 2015, but we don’t have to swallow Tory economic myths to do that." (Angela Eagle)

Don't forget that Jeremy Hunt is pro-homeopathy, which may be why he's reducing the NHS to one doctor who will then cure all.

Cameron: “We thought people in Yorkshire hated everyone else, we didn’t realise they hated each other so much”. His party certainly knows a lot about hate.

Tessa Jowell said she would "jump under a bus for Tony Blair". Let's hope that Sadiq Khan's dad isn't driving it if she pulls that stunt.

Isn't it ironic that those who support an unelected head of state use opinion polls to justify the denial of democracy which it involves?

Tory logic - selling weapons to regimes at war and expecting them not to be used.

Cameron admits he's watched Labour's leadership election with some bewilderment: surely you only need 37% of the vote to win?

"Society pays lip service to equality of opportunity, but our fundamental values remain those of inherited wealth and privilege." (Will Self)

Cameron - the git who's probably lost the union, diminished us in Europe, and is asleep over Northern Ireland, thinks Corbyn is “a danger to the UK”.

On the day that the Labour leadership election closes, a new species of ancient human is discovered - known as the 'Pre-Blairite'.

To mark the Queen's milestone, I'm celebrating the hereditary principle. The dentist's son is having a go at giving me a filling.

Error message for Liz Kendall: “Couldn’t connect, please try again later”.

by oftenwrong Sat Sep 12, 2015 10:28 am

Mark Steel

To the Queen's credit, she has worked her way up – there was a time when she was just a lowly princess

Cameron can solve the refugee 'problem' easily - every day

Why are we angry with the DWP? We should be thanking them for making life seem so positive

With hundreds of thousands of new supporters, Labour is on the verge of something big – what a complete disaster!

http://www.independent.co.uk/voices/comment/thank-god-we-have-the-rightwing-press-to-tell-us-what-a-disaster-jeremy-corbyn-as-pm-would-be-10475557.html

by boatlady Sat Sep 12, 2015 12:23 pm

#Jezwedid

by **Ivan** Mon Sep 14, 2015 12:08 am

Labour is "a threat to your family" says Cameron, the bloke who created one million foodbank clients in 2014.

“Jeremy Corbyn is a necessary corrective to a Britain that has been enveloped in far right-wing, market-fundamentalist extremism.” (Max Keiser)

The Queen's favourite Corgi was called Susan. Even my cat, Marjorie, thinks that's a bit odd.

After Saturday’s events at Goodison Park, can we also expect José Mourinho to resign from the shadow cabinet?

I’m waiting for ‘The Sun’ to tell us that Corbyn's beard is a communist infiltrator which was responsible for the Cuban Missile Crisis.

Q: What is heard but never seen?
A: The Chilcot Report.

“I tried having a Blairite heart transplant and yet everything Corbyn says, his honesty and integrity, makes me cheer.” (David Schneider)

After reading Louise Mensch’s tweets, I can only quote ‘Fawlty Towers’: "There's enough material there for an entire conference”.

Duncan Smith, not Corbyn, is the "threat to every family's security". Who knows when they might be sick, disabled or jobless?

Mourinho will only survive as manager if the decision on his future is thrown open to include people paying £3 who "share Chelsea values".

When Jamie Reed resigned from the Labour front bench, the sound of keyboards was deafening as the world used Google to find out who he is.

"I got a phone call saying 'I'm a journalist from The Sun'. I said 'you can be one or the other, but you can't be both'." (John McDonnell)

by **Ivan** Wed Sep 16, 2015 5:22 pm

It’s no coincidence that the European country which already has the most draconian laws against trade unions - the UK - is also the most unequal.

“Tories sniggering every time Corbyn mentions a member of the public's name. At least they are real people, unlike those the DWP made up.” (Mhairi Black MP)

Ed Miliband wore an immaculate suit and sang the national anthem; remember how it won him the respect of every national newspaper and media outlet.

BREAKING: England batsmen warned that if the trade union bill passes into law, they will have to wear armbands when it's their turn to be on strike.

by boatlady Wed Sep 16, 2015 5:51 pm

Rumour has it that if Jeremy Corbyn is elected, he will force Clarkson to drive around in an Austin Allegro for ever.

still waiting ---

by **Phil Hornby** Wed Sep 16, 2015 6:09 pm

Austin Allegros could well be back before Corbyn is Prime Minister... Shocked

by boatlady Wed Sep 16, 2015 7:22 pm

Wait and see

by oftenwrong Wed Sep 16, 2015 11:03 pm

The Independent ‏@Independent · 38 minutes ago
Thousands of people want the BBC to call Cameron 'the right-wing Prime Minister' http://ind.pn/1iOyi7b

Adam Boulton retweeted
Dave Cameron ‏@EtonOldBoys · Sep 12
I wonder if the Tory papers will run with Corbyns Expenses for last year £8.75 .... you wont read that in the Sun or Mail, or Sky News

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