Favourite 'tweets'

by **Ivan** Thu Jan 26, 2012 5:23 pm

First topic message reminder :

For those of us who use 'Twitter', I thought it might be worth having a thread to share some of the interesting tweets we come across. Here are three that I've read today:-

Nick Clegg says "families are at boiling point". Well you put the gas under them, Clegg!

When a man talks dirty to a woman its sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man its $3.95 a minute.

No income tax, no VAT
No points last week off Man City
The future’s grim, he's looking pale
Harry Redknapp’s off to jail.

by **Ivan** Thu Mar 16, 2017 12:36 am

Clueless on Brexit, UK could break-up, NHS, prisons, schools & social care in crisis, MPs under investigation; isn't Theresa May doing well?

New York is hit by heavy snowstorms, making it the only thing in the US whiter than the Trump administration.

Theresa May tells Nicola Sturgeon: "Now is not the time to play politics or create uncertainty.” No, that was on 23rd June 2016.

‘White van men’ are delighted with Hammond's unexpected U-turn without any kind of signal in advance.

Judging from his most recent parliamentary performance, David Davis really is as thick as he looks.

Obama may have spied on Donald Trump through a microwave, Kellyanne Conway has said through her arse.

"May’s U-turn handed Jeremy Corbyn an exocet missile for PMQs. And he's blown his own feet off with it." (James O’Brien)

The Maybot: "The people have spoken, Brexit means Brexit, we will take back control of our borders, get the best possible deal for Britain."

The Dutch are obviously not as stupid as so many Americans when it comes to being duped by an orange Nazi with bad hair.

“We will not be intimidated by threats that no Brexit deal is good for the UK and bad for the EU. No deal is bad for everyone, above all for the UK.” (Donald Tusk)

by **Ivan** Thu Mar 16, 2017 4:15 pm

The cavalier way in which Tories treat Scotland - first with EVEL, now over its pro-Remain vote - can only see more Scots demanding independence.

Oliver Letwin has tried to neutralise the Tory election fraud scandal by saying other parties have transgressed. Not on this scale they haven't.

Only 13% of voters chose Geert Wilders' party in the Dutch election, about the same as the number of headbangers who support UKIP.

“Brexit was an English vote for independence, you can’t begrudge the Scots the same.” (Suzanne Moore)

Hilary Benn: “Have you made an economic estimate of the impact if there is no deal?”
David Davis: “Under my time, no.”

If the Tories are in power because of illegal activity, then the 2015 election must be void – along with all which followed, including the EU referendum.

A pouch of Felix cat food would be more effective at holding politicians to account than Robert Peston.

"There are more men serving in Parliament today than the total of women ever elected to the House of Commons." (Rachel Reeves)

Tories and arrogance always go hand-in-hand, they have such a deep sense of entitlement.

Hilary Benn: “Can you confirm that in the absence of a data adequacy decision from the EU commission, there would be legal uncertainty about data transfer?”
David Davis: “It’s not clear.”

Electoral Commission says Tories "hindered and caused delay to the investigation". Aren’t they supposed to be ‘the party of law and order’?

Nicola Sturgeon should reject the claim we don't know what Scottish independence would mean with a phrase like “independence means independence”.

Hilary Benn: “Can you confirm UK citizens will no longer have access to the EHIC health card?”
David Davis: “Probably right. Haven't looked at it.”

The vote of the Dutch Labour Party collapsed in this week’s general election. No doubt someone will blame Jeremy Corbyn for that.

"We should be working together, not pulling apart", says Theresa May, as she prepares to withdraw us from the European Union.

If the Conservative Party had thought it had nothing to hide, it would have co-operated with the Electoral Commission without a court order.

by oftenwrong Sat Mar 18, 2017 4:48 pm

by boatlady Sat Mar 18, 2017 6:35 pm

by **Ivan** Sun Mar 19, 2017 12:53 pm

If Osborne was my MP and I had an issue to raise, would I have to write to the ‘Dear George’ problem page in the ‘Evening Standard’?

Trump cancels the Meals on Wheels budget and saves $3 million a year. Trump's weekend jaunts to Mar-a-Lago cost $3 million a trip.

“May on Scotland: irony is not merely dead, it has been cremated and its ashes launched into imponderable depths of space.” (A C Grayling)

Why the surprise about Osborne’s new job? Isn't everyone used to Tories editing the news?

This government calls Tory election fraud "an administrative error", but don't expect such a charitable response if you're a benefit claimant.

Brexit - a policy dictated by a spiteful mass of discontented and narrow-minded people who think they are the collective will of the nation.

“When I first saw the George Osborne job on Twitter, I thought it was a spoof. I would love to have seen the reaction in Number 10.” (Sophy Ridge)

Nicky Morgan is a hypocrite. Less than 18 months ago she was busy approving a new grammar school (disguised as ‘an annexe’) in Sevenoaks.

“Remaining inside the EU makes us more secure, it makes us more prosperous and it makes us more influential beyond our shores.” (Theresa May)

German reporter asks Trump about his misuse of fake news and about wiretapping. Trump responds by calling her a peddler of fake news.

While many struggle on zero hour contracts with no pay, Tory George Osborne has three handsome salaries for no work!

“With the exception of Andrew Neil, one wonders why the BBC so aggressively avoided looking into the Tory election expenses scandal for so long.” (Jon Snow)

I wouldn’t trust George Osborne to edit a colouring book.

Only 96 nurses joined the NHS from other European nations in December 2016, a drop from 1,304 in July, the month after the EU referendum.

David Davis is a man on top of his brief, it takes dedication to be so vague on each specific detail." (Mark Steel)

I doubt if Michael Gove can even relieve himself without getting his master Rupert Murdoch's permission first.

“I suppose the one reassuring thing about George Osborne's new job is he can't be as bad an editor as he was a chancellor.” (David Schneider)

If you think immigration is a bad thing, try living in a country that nobody wants to move to. How about North Korea?

Wonder what it's like to work on a paper for years, only to find that a halfwitted druggie with no experience of journalism has become your editor?

Rumour has it that Arsène Wenger is about to be replaced as Arsenal manager by George Osborne.

by **Ivan** Mon Mar 20, 2017 8:46 pm

UKIP and rabid right-wing Tories have moaned for at least 20 years about the EU. Remainers moaning about Brexit have a long time to go to match them.

A pervert, a fascist, and a con man walk into a bar. The bartender asks: "What'll it be Mr President?"

Article 50 can now be triggered by an unelected PM following royal assent from an unelected head of state! That’s called “reclaiming democracy” from elected MEPs.

When Theresa May trots out "best possible deal with Europe", it’s code for "far worse than the UK has now with Europe".

Number of Germans who view the US as a trustworthy ally has dropped from 59% in November to 22% in February. I wonder why?

Q: How many Brexiters does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One to hold the light bulb and 17 million to screw the whole country.

Clocks go forward one hour on Sunday 26th March, then they go back sixty years on Wednesday 29th.

May insists Trump was being a gentleman when he held her hand. Must be the first time anyone has said that about the pussy-grabbing pervert.

What Brexiters promised - an extra £350 million a week for the NHS.
What we got - EU nurses going home in record numbers.

As John Major compares Brexiters to football hooligans, football hooligans point out they don’t normally smash up their own ground.

by **Ivan** Wed Mar 22, 2017 7:33 pm

A fossil has been named after David Attenborough. Bruce Forsyth, whose jokes have been carbon dated, must be green with envy.

Liz Truss has been criticised publicly by the Lord Chief Justice. Isn't that lack of confidence sufficient for her resignation or sacking?

"We only make peace with our enemies. That's why it's called making peace." (George R.R. Martin)

Unemployment figures are expected to rise as it’s revealed all jobs are now being done by George Osborne.

When the hell did cutting disability benefits become 'centre ground' politics, Mr Clegg? Just right-wing nastiness propped up by you.

“Compassionate conservatism – it’s like a unicorn isn't it; everyone's heard of it, and no one has seen it.” (Ken Loach)

Len McCluskey reckons that Tom Watson is behaving as if he’s in a low budget remake of ‘The Godfather’.

If you don’t think being an MP is a full-time job, then you clearly view your electorate with contempt and should resign.

“As Trump signs the NASA bill for a crewed mission to Mars, the Martian leader says he'll build a wall around the planet and get Earth to pay for it.” (David Schneider)

The ultimate tragic comedy, in UK cinemas from 29 March (including Scotland, for now) – ‘Leave Actually’.

by oftenwrong Thu Mar 23, 2017 10:33 pm

Here's how it's expected to work:

Favourite 'tweets' - Page 18 C7lfwL3VwAA6jmb

by **Ivan** Fri Mar 24, 2017 12:29 am

"The Westminster killer was no more representative of Muslims than Jo's killer was representative of Yorkshire people." (Brendan Cox)

"The British people will unite to defeat those who would harm our shared values", says Amber Rudd. Presumably she's referring to the Tories.

According to ‘The Huffington Post’, Donald Trump’s approval rating is “in the toilet”. I wonder if that’s a gold-plated one?

“If humanity survives, history will look at Nigel Farage in 50 years and deem him a dangerous extremist who used tragedy for his own gain.” (Harry Leslie Smith)

“Our EU partners will decide what deal they’ll allow us. If you think that enhances UK sovereignty, good luck.” (Lord Heseltine)

Theresa May, be assured that a lot of us would prefer it if your values - cronyism, corporate greed and electoral fraud - don't prevail.

“Apparently I should have spent my life doing something else entirely, then be rewarded with an editorship. That's how journalism works.” (Elizabeth Day)

Farage, we’re united in contempt for your opportunism and cynicism - and the fact you take EU cash and do sod all to earn it.

"Act of terrorism tried to silence our democracy", says May, just as she's been doing with her "will of the people" and "Brexit means Brexit".

“Trump’s budget proposals have gone down badly with Republicans, but he does have the might of the Russian army behind him.” (Samantha Bee)

Nigel Farage is 52 and from Kent. So was the Westminster attacker. When will we tackle this problem of 52-year-olds from Kent?

Theresa May is to visit victims of the London terror attack in hospital. Haven’t those poor people suffered enough already?

Why not leave things as they are but tell the Brexiters we've left the EU? After all, they believed every lie they were told before 23 June.

by **Ivan** Sat Mar 25, 2017 12:36 am

"We are not afraid", said Theresa May, rushing out of Parliament. I thought the captain was supposed to be the last to leave, not the first?

Laugh at Trump’s attempts to ruin American healthcare, but don’t take your eyes for one second off the Tories’ attempts to do the same to our NHS.

Brexit leaving bill - the UK is behaving like that guy at a group meal who orders caviar and steak but only puts a fiver into the kitty.

Tory motto - if it ain't broke, we'll break it, so it can make money for our cronies.

They played their game, created the Brexit mess and wrecked the UK's future, but now Cameron and Johnson are pals again, dining in Harlem.

A bad man will do bad things. A good man will do good things. But to make a good man do bad things, for that you need religion.

The penny drops - UKIP Welsh AM Mark Reckless says access to the single market is a "critical priority" for rural communities once Britain leaves the EU.

Trump logic - the reason we lost the football match is because the other team didn't score enough own goals.

"Nigel Farage’s British values: rubbishing London for money on Fox News." (Marina Hyde)

PwC report claims robots will affect 30% of UK jobs, with the remaining 70% being affected by George Osborne.

by **Ivan** Tue Mar 28, 2017 12:08 am

Because Theresa May is so incompetent and way out of her depth, she chooses ministers who are even more useless than herself.

Turkeys do vote for Christmas, as working class Tories, Brexit and Trump supporters have demonstrated.

‘Pret A Manger’ wanted to use unpaid teenagers to solve its Brexit-induced labour shortage. That really takes the biscuit.

Farage says he might stand for Parliament again in South Thanet; I thought he "wanted his life back"? Can't believe a word the git says.

Theresa May says Brexit will make the UK “more united”. Scottish referendum? Irish border? Does she really believe this nonsense?

Funny how those who moan about "foreigners" don't complain when one saves their life or makes them better.

Don't listen to Rod Stewart's advice on lawn care. The first cut shouldn't be the deepest. My grass looks awful now.

Trump blames his health insurance failure on the Democrats - because they didn't want to replace their Obamacare with his crap system.

UK railways are now run by German, French, Dutch, Italian and Chinese state-owned firms. The Tories need to explain why the UK can't run its own.

74 customers at ‘Argos’ have taken the trouble to post reviews of a garden spade on their website. That could only happen in the UK.

All PMs go mad if they're in power for very long. It took Thatcher and Blair several years, but May only needed a few months.

Brexit bill - if you order a round in a pub and then decide to leave without consuming the drinks, you'll still be expected to pay for them.

by oftenwrong Tue Mar 28, 2017 12:00 pm

by oftenwrong Tue Mar 28, 2017 12:13 pm

by boatlady Tue Mar 28, 2017 4:43 pm

And joint first prize for the shapeliest legs goes to Corbyn (J) and Gove (M)

by **Ivan** Wed Mar 29, 2017 11:21 pm

“After nine months, the UK has delivered.” (Donald Tusk)

Forget the gnats on rhinos, Boris Johnson is a boil that needs lancing on the backside of British politics.

Usual repetitive, meaningless crap from the Maybot, this time to Andrew Neil. Would anyone ever claim to seek "the worst possible deal" for the UK?

“This is a sad day for the EU and especially for the UK. However, I take heart from thousands of young people raising their voice for Europe.” (Martin Schulz)

Brexit - campaigned for by liars, voted for by dimwits and ‘managed' by incompetents. What on earth can possibly go wrong?

The UK has now officially become the laughing stock of the world because some fools believed a lie on the side of a bus.

"National unity must be earned and not just asserted, and it must be shown in deeds and not just in words." (Ed Miliband)

As he cuts environmental legislation, Trump says the hole in the ozone layer can be covered by simply combing some over from the side.

"Just imagine if Brussels had told the UK that they are not allowed to have a referendum. That's the difference between Scotland's ‘two unions’." (Callum McCaig MP)

Enjoying all the ‘Brexit day’ celebrations? No ordinary person will gain any extra power, and all will lose an awful lot of protection.

“The EU has done everything to keep the British. From now on, only the interests of the remaining 440 million Europeans count for us.” (Manfred Weber MEP)

Michel Barnier versus David Davis will be about as predictable as Bayern Munich versus Rotherham. The UK is about to be stuffed.

by oftenwrong Thu Mar 30, 2017 12:50 pm

Favourite 'tweets' - Page 18 C8JuHKJUwAAaWje

"Apparently it was originally an idea of Henry VIII's"

by **Ivan** Fri Mar 31, 2017 11:01 pm

If David Davis kept quiet, people might wonder if he's thick. Every time the deluded fool opens his trap, we know that he is.

“I don't live in Scotland, but the idea of telling a nation ‘shut up, you're going down with us’ seems pretty outrageous.” (Alex Andreou)

Bartering security for trade is tantamount to running a government-sponsored protection racket.

“Theresa May is creating Millwall Britain –‘no one likes us, we don’t care’.” (Chris Patten)

If we have more referendums where 37% of Britons can force changes, we'll be forever hostage to motivated extremists.

“War is God’s way of teaching Americans geography.” (Ambrose Bierce)

I knew nothing much about David Davis two years ago. I wish that was still the case.

"The very heroes who raced out of St Thomas's last week are told this week they have to cut their standard of living." (Len McCluskey)

If Paul Nuttall had won the Stoke by-election, the BBC would probably have had him reading the news by now.

“EU27 will not pursue a punitive approach. Brexit in itself is already punitive enough.” (Donald Tusk)

No journalist in the UK has publicly asked Theresa May why she had private meetings with Paul Dacre and Rupert Murdoch - and what they were about.

“I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad, I take something for it.” (Ken Dodd)

A part of democracy is being able to change one's mind. A part of tyranny is lying to win and then being told you will accept it or else.

“I missed ‘Question Time’, but I’m hoping someone asked why the only seat UKIP can keep hold of these days is on that panel.” (David Lammy)

If David Davis went to an A&E department, he'd probably think it stood for 'arse and elbow' - but he still wouldn't be able to find either.

“May’s speech was filled with so many false claims, so much cant, and so many examples of wishful thinking that it is hard to know where to begin.” (‘The New Yorker’)

by oftenwrong Sun Apr 02, 2017 7:40 pm

Marie Le Conte‏ @youngvulgarian

Marie Le Conte Retweeted FT World News

oh good GOD can we not have ONE DAY when it doesn't feel like the world is closer to ending, one GODDAMN DAY

by **Ivan** Mon Apr 03, 2017 9:52 am

After the Border Agency fiasco and not knowing there are 91/92 days in 3 months, May reaches a new level of incompetence by forgetting Gibraltar.

"With any divorce we can be confident that it is the children who suffer the most". (Chris Patten on Brexit)

First rule of politics - if all of your opponents think you should resign, it means you're doing something right.

The money they're spending on redesigning passports is several times the amount they saved by cutting housing benefit for 18-21s.

Disappointing. I had assumed Michael Howard was appearing on ‘Ridge On Sunday’ to finally reveal whether he had threatened to overrule Mr Lewis.

Was it April Fool's Day or April Fools' Day? Clearly the latter, as there are not one but 17.4 million idiots out there.

Why does the statue of Cristiano Ronaldo look like Geoff Boycott struggling to eat an apple?

“Never trust a man with short legs. His brain is too near his bottom.” (Noel Coward)

The colour of my passport will change. That will cheer me up when I can no longer afford foreign holidays.

Ann Widdecombe should have said that Michael Howard had “something of the shite about him”.

96% of the people of Gibraltar voted to remain in the EU, so Theresa May is “steadfastly committed” to making them leave.

When will Trump realise that you only make up stuff before noon on April Fools’ Day, not the whole year round?

Ironically, many of those demanding blue passports never leave the country. Or visit the next town or village.

“Now that we are to be a sovereign nation again, we must bring back imperial units.” (Simon Heffer)

by **Ivan** Tue Apr 04, 2017 2:47 pm

Help! I'm stuck on a rainy island full of plastic fascists who are spending half a billion on passports and want to go to war with Spain over a rock.

Unlike the National Trust, I will remind my son of Easter by filling his chocolate eggs with blood and forcing him to strike them with nails.

Are we seriously going to have endure the speculation and deranged waffle of idiots like Michael Howard for the next two years?

Sell more arms to Saudi Arabia, Mrs May, which will continue bombing Yemen, creating more terrorists, more refugees and more asylum seekers.

Theresa May condemns Cadbury for omitting the word ‘Easter’, but not Saudi Arabia's human rights record or Michael Howard's anti-EU war rhetoric.

Scientists have located the damaged gene that causes the dimwitted middle-aged to have a strong opinion about the colour of passports.

One of the biggest problems with the EU is that it has prevented us from invading other European nations to secure preferential trade terms.

Trump promises to 'solve' the nuclear threat from North Korea, guaranteeing that one way or another he will spend time in a bunker.

Tory MPs reject their own Brexit report as “skewed and partisan”. Sorry, but binning the bathroom scales doesn’t make you lose weight.

Nothing says ‘Easter’ better than jetting off to Saudi Arabia to flog cluster bombs to an extremist Wahhabi Muslim theocracy.

Blue passports, new royal yacht, imperial measures, gunboats to Gibraltar - Brexit UK will be a contemporary version of 'Passport to Pimlico'.

“Will Theresa May go for a hard war with Spain or a soft war? Or a red, white and blue war? Remember, above all, war means war.” (David Schneider)

by **Ivan** Sat Apr 08, 2017 3:34 pm

Donald Trump admits the cruise missile attack was easy, but that getting Syria to pay for it will be more difficult.

After the BBC announced that Brian Matthew was dead, he came back to life! Maybe such things are likely to happen close to Easter.

Instead of licking Trump's arse, Nigel Farage turned up for work in Brussels for once. It must be the week for submitting expenses.

May admits that freedom of movement could continue post-Brexit, but not to worry as ruining the economy is still on schedule.

If school attendance is so important for a child's learning, why is school exclusion a legitimate punishment for misbehaviour?

I can see why Nigel Farage hates the European Parliament. He’s way out of his depth and looks like a toddler in a wet nappy among post-doctorals.

The National Trust is to curry favour with May by making it illegal for women to drive and by buying weapons off her to use in Yemen.

Trump clarifies his position on Syrian refugees: he likes them enough to bomb their attackers, but not enough to let them into the US.

Compare the childish, hate-filled “EU mafia” jibe of Nigel Farage with the conciliatory "you'll be welcome back" approach of Guy Verhofstadt.

Boris Johnson: “If we don’t sell arms to Saudi Arabia, someone else will”. Would he think it was okay if drug dealers used a similar argument?

by **Ivan** Tue Apr 11, 2017 5:48 pm

Thank goodness Boris Johnson is handling affairs with Russia, not some reckless, turncoat buffoon.

Force your wife to drink bleach, beat her with a bat, expect a suspended sentence - as long as you don't add a lie about a cricket contract.

Tory cuts to children’s education and opportunities are a means of keeping plebs in their place, so that they can’t compete with the privately educated.

Boris Johnson has issued an ultimatum to Putin, presumably in the hope that Putin dies laughing.

Definition of stupid – knowing the truth, seeing evidence of the truth, but still believing the lie. In other words, voting for Brexit or Trump.

Take a financial crisis, visit its effects on those at the margin, plant the seed of xenophobia and fertilise it with the manure of lies.

“Sunderland FC could make extra money by hiring out its stands for business meetings during the second half of games when the fans have left.” (Mark Steel)

G7 says no new sanctions on Russia over Syria. Johnson uttering a few “cripes” and “blimeys” and a bit of hair ruffling seems not to have worked.

"For I was a stranger, and you invited me in." Do you remember when the UK really aspired to Theresa May’s so-called ‘Christian values’?

BAML: “Virtually every single Brexit outcome is going to damage British trade.” Didn't see that on the side of any buses.

After successfully getting Boris Johnson to stay, USA set to work on commands to sit, roll over and beg.

If Eric Trump is right and Ivanka was influential in the Syria strike, the USA is more in need of regime change than Syria.

The UK - a country that shoots itself in the face, then makes sure it doesn't have enough doctors and nurses to treat the wound.

“After losing my job as head of ad content for Pepsi, I have to say my first day running customer services for United Airlines has been lively.” (David Schneider)

by **Ivan** Fri Apr 14, 2017 12:19 am

Geologists are said to be concerned that the hole Sean Spicer is digging himself into is hours away from reaching the Earth’s core.

The reality of Justine Greening's grammar schools policy is more access for middle class children who are priced out of private schools. We're not stupid.

The United Airlines assault is another example of what happens when companies believe money is more important than the people giving it to them.

UK trade as a % of GDP increased by 8% in three decades before the UK joined the EEC/EC/EU, and by 35% in four decades afterwards.

As North Korea prepares for another nuclear test, Sean Spicer says that even Harry Truman didn’t resort to using atomic weapons.

Tact is the ability to tell someone to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the trip.

There’s nothing wrong with setting in each subject in a comprehensive. Why the need for the top set to be in a different school?

Following the PR catastrophe on flight 3411, United Airlines has warned shareholders to “brace for impact”.

Scientists have discovered how to destroy the supposedly indestructible £5. The process is called ‘Brexit’.

Image of Birmingham woman standing up to an EDL protester confuses Americans, who can’t understand how she did it without a can of Pepsi.

Justine Greening proposing "selective schools for all" is one of the most absurd remarks since Gove wanted all schools to be "above average".

New slogan for United Airlines: “If we cannot beat our competitors, we beat our customers”.

by **Ivan** Sat Apr 15, 2017 5:24 pm

It would be easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for me to believe that 'faith' informs Theresa May's actions as PM.

Student loans are set to skyrocket post-Brexit, though luckily no jobs will pay well enough to trigger repayments.

My home town isn't twinned with anywhere, but it does have a suicide pact with Dagenham.

After another price rise, Theresa May could cap energy prices, according to her new energy consultant/adviser, Ed Miliband.

Brexit is nonsense predicated on falsehood, in service of ideology and oligarchs. It is the theft of the future by the past.

Sunderland scores a goal. Confused, their players wander around, unsure what to do next. Then one of them vaguely remembers that you celebrate.

According to ‘Radio 4 Today’, foreign diplomats fail to understand Boris Johnson. I suppose that's only to be expected, even his mother struggles.

New word for the dictionary: Mayniac - someone who insists on doing what they know is wrong and will have calamitous consequences for millions.

“This weekend, spare a thought for children of mixed Jewish-Christian relationships who still believe in the Easter Rabbi.” (David Schneider)

by **Ivan** Mon Apr 17, 2017 12:04 pm

“We have to stop North Korea! It’s led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful, fat, rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap….oh.” (Mitch Benn)

At Easter, we shouldn't reflect on Theresa May's words about Christian charity but her deeds that allow child refugees to die.

After the insanity of Brexit and the election of Trump, the Turks have handed Erdoğan a dictatorship. It's hard to keep one's faith in democracy.

How does a so-called Christian Tory like Theresa May reconcile one million people using foodbanks daily with her government’s policies?

Justine Greening wants grammar schools to be “open for all”. Someone should tell her about comprehensive schools, that would blow her mind.

Theresa May says “the country is uniting for Brexit”. Also uniting are Arsenal and Spurs fans, Trump and Kim Jong-un, and lions and antelopes.

“The US is to avoid accidental civilian casualties by dropping bombs big enough to kill them on purpose.” (David Schneider)

Why is the church not highlighting the hypocrisy of Theresa May, talking of her Christian values while transferring wealth from the poor to the rich?

Percentages very similar, but we’re told that EU referendum was “a clear victory for Leave”, while Turkish referendum was “a knife-edge result”.

If Jesus came to the UK today, Theresa May and Amber Rudd would deport him as an immigrant.

May's view that "there is a sense that people are coming together" is as real as the Easter bunny hiding eggs in your garden.

Tory education policy - if we sort you out at a very young age in an order that suits our needs, you'll know your place for the future.

“If Theresa May really thinks she is leading a united country full of hope, I suggest she gets out more.” (Alastair Campbell)

by **Ivan** Thu Apr 20, 2017 4:37 pm

Woman who said she wouldn't call a general election asks the nation to trust what she says - as she calls a general election.

Sunday - May talks of people coming together. Tuesday - she calls an election to push them further apart. You can't believe a word she says.

The person who came up with the phrase “to sleep like a baby” obviously never had any children.

“Demonising of your opponents as saboteurs is one way in which authoritarian rule starts and we have to be vigilant.” (David Schneider)

Make sure you're on the electoral register so that the start of June can see the end of May.

Russian state media says Donald Trump is more dangerous than Kim Jong-un, mainly because his missiles actually work.

The term "will of the people" has only one purpose - to delegitimise and suppress opposition. It is a tool of demagogues and dictators.

I guess Theresa May saw the kind of authoritarian power Erdoğan got in his referendum and thought: “I’ll have me some of that”.

“Saboteurs”, “remoaners”, “enemies of the people”. Imagine the abuse those who voted Remain would get if they hadn't lost.

"Scots can't have Indy Ref 2 as I'm negotiating Brexit", "UK needs an election as I'm negotiating Brexit." Can't believe a word May says.

It's not a free press when the papers are advocating crushing anyone who disagrees with the person in their pocket.

Theresa May says Tory MPs under criminal investigation for election fraud can stand as candidates. Brexit means Brexit, but election fraud means nothing.

Before going for my annual eye test, I'm still baffled why May wants to crush the secateurs. What's she got against smaller gardening tools?

George Osborne is to quit as an MP at the next election, though knowing him he’ll miss that target then say he’ll resign in 2022 instead.

May is to amend the Fixed Term Parliaments Act so that an election is always called just before Tory MPs are charged with fraud from the previous one.

Old people at weddings always poke me and say "you're next". So, I started doing the same thing at funerals.

Obviously Theresa May will take part in the TV debates, because she’s completely ruled out doing so. You can’t believe a word she says.

Gisela Stuart is standing down as an MP. At least that will prevent a by-election when she gets deported in 2019.

by boatlady Thu Apr 20, 2017 7:04 pm

It's not a free press when the papers are advocating crushing anyone who disagrees with the person in their pocket.

that

by oftenwrong Thu Apr 20, 2017 7:50 pm

Most of us have a bullshit filter built in, that allows us to recognise when we are being brain-washed or otherwise conned. Although newspapers may try to sell us snake-oil we are not customers.

Unfortunately that doesn't necessarily apply to every newspaper reader. Which is how the Murdochs, Barclays and Harmsworths maintain their influence, which is corruptly founded upon the Tooth Fairy, Father Christmas, Easter bunnies and fair play.

by **Ivan** Sat Apr 22, 2017 1:29 pm

Theresa May is a supporter of freedom of the press, providing it doesn’t ask her a question or expect her to tell the truth on anything.

Surprised to hear that Eric Pickles is standing down as an MP, when he still has so much to take.

Up to 200,000 houses across England are thought to be empty, giving Paul Nuttall plenty of options heading into the general election.

Voting Tory is like saying: "Please keep lying to me. Please keep treating doctors and nurses, teachers and firefighters like shit".

Tim Farron says he doesn't believe being gay is a sin, though God is yet to confirm to him whether going into coalition with the Tories is.

Theresa May says "she's proud of her record on the NHS". 17 nurses a day apply for payday loans to make ends meet.

So many working class people have nasty things to say about Corbyn, yet they go silent when you ask them to present you with a viable alternative.

Experts believe Serena Williams will have a baby boy, as women are from Venus.

Hardship grant handouts of up to £500 from the Royal College of Nursing have increased by a quarter in a year.

Theresa May will have private meetings with Rupert Murdoch and Paul Dacre, but she won’t face the public in live TV debates.

Poor old Eric Pickles, he'll soon have to start paying for his own food.

Theresa May is allowed to change her mind over calling an election, but the British people couldn’t possibly be allowed to do the same about Brexit.

Corbyn on the street with normal people and taking questions = weak.
May locked in a church with Tories and refusing to take questions = strong.

"Albert Ball shot down 43 German aircraft. Would have been more, but he was eventually banned from East Midlands Airport." (Humphrey Lyttelton)

“Judge me on what I’ve done”, says Theresa May. 100,000 people wait more than two weeks to see a cancer specialist.

Nigel Farage has announced he's not seeking a seat at Westminster, as he's fully occupied with his seat on the BBC ‘Question Time’ panel.

by boatlady Sat Apr 22, 2017 6:37 pm

“Judge me on what I’ve done”, says Theresa May. 100,000 people wait more than two weeks to see a cancer specialist.

Lets hope everyone judges her on what she's done - she will probably end up in prison

by **Ivan** Mon Apr 24, 2017 11:36 am

Paul Nuttall says "you need to see people's faces". Not if they look anything like him you don't.

This snap election really is unfair, it doesn't give Vladimir Putin very long to get organised.

Michael Fallon was in charge of a nuclear test missile that misfired and headed towards Florida, yet he says Jeremy Corbyn is dangerous.

Some people’s votes matter and others don’t. But the parties in power won’t change the system because it keeps them in power.

It's lucky for Tim Farron that the Bible has no commandments about pledging to abolish tuition fees and then trebling them being a sin.

Letting the Tories back in because you don’t like Jeremy Corbyn is like burning down your house because you don’t like the curtains.

Looking forward to Paul Nuttall proposing a ban on balaclavas, bike helmets and hoodies with scarves.

Michael Fallon thinks Jeremy Corbyn is "irresponsible" for not wanting to kill millions of people.

When France goes to the polls on 7 May, whoever wins the most votes will become president. A simple idea - can someone explain it to the USA?

Surely it's hard to hold your nose and vote Tory when you've already cut it off to spite your face in a referendum?

by oftenwrong Mon Apr 24, 2017 11:43 am

by oftenwrong Mon Apr 24, 2017 12:03 pm

by boatlady Mon Apr 24, 2017 5:36 pm

by **Ivan** Fri Apr 28, 2017 8:16 pm

“Plaster may fall from the ceiling during Brexit talks” says Boris Johnson, as he gets ready to deport all of Britain’s best plasterers.

Zac Goldsmith's pledge to quit the Tories because of the third Heathrow runway was a meaningful one, it lasted a whole four months!

‘Strong and stable’ makes me think of the toilet rolls you get on trains.

Johnson claims that Corbyn is a danger to security, whilst preparing to throw cruise missiles around like paper darts in a 6th form common room.

West Ham United’s ground is raided in a fraud investigation, amidst spurious claims that a ‘football team’ has been operating there.

Over-60s voted in the Tories in 2015, partly because of a promise that pensions would be 'triple-locked' until 2020. Do they feel conned?

Wry smiles greet Trump's claim that Kim Jong-un's irrational mental state is down to inheriting huge wealth and power from his father.

May accuses EU countries of ganging up on Britain - how dare members of a club unite against someone who's leaving the club but still wants all its perks!

“I guess for the Tories a properly funded NHS and decent pay for midwives and nurses probably does seem like a coalition of chaos.” (David Schneider)

United Airlines is to offer up to $10,000 to passengers who forfeit seats. Customers say that it’s better than a kick in the teeth.

Theresa May: "This country deserves a strong and stable government so we can achieve a Brexit that decimates British jobs".

“Stable Boris Johnson wrote an article titled ‘Bravo for Assad’, but now thinks Corbyn is weak for not supporting bombing him.” (Mark Steel)

May could yet promise to keep the ‘triple-lock’ pension guarantee after the general election which she promised she wouldn’t call.

by oftenwrong Mon May 01, 2017 7:21 pm

Favourite 'tweets' - Page 18 C-uhSArXkAArHQ2

Lib-Dem propaganda?

by **Ivan** Tue May 02, 2017 12:25 am

“Theresa May a strong and stable leader? No, an automated mouthpiece for policies leading to division and national decline.” (Dan Jarvis MP)

You can have the Tories or our NHS, but you can't have both. Which do you want?

"Paul Nuttall, you're standing in Skegness. Isn't that a long commute from your new home in Stoke?" (Sophy Ridge)

If Jeremy Corbyn is as hopeless as May says, why is she so scared of having a TV debate with him?

“Strong & Stable Gov 1 (2015): PM resigns, manifesto shredded, Scottish independence threat, election called, man buys shed. Fancy the sequel?” (Ed Miliband)

Tax-cutting Tories introduced Insurance Premium Tax in 1994. In May 2015 it was 6%. In November 2015 it rose to 9.5%. In June 2017 it will be 12%.

Marr: “We have nurses going to foodbanks, that must be wrong.”
May: "There are many complex reasons why people go to foodbanks."

I went next door, blamed my neighbour for all my ills, insulted his wife and told him he’s not welcome here. Now he won’t do me any favours.

“A true leader doesn’t follow the consensus. A true leader shapes the consensus.” (Martin Luther King)

Kim Jong-May - whose missile misfired and went towards Florida, who gained power without an election and who wants to create an isolationist state.

I must confess that I'd never heard of Tony Parsons until I saw him trending on Twitter today. Haven't I been fortunate?

Theresa May: “I want to meet people from all sorts of communities”. Yeah, Tory MPs, Tory councillors and people who work at Tory HQ.

“The Tories are strong against the weak but weak against the strong.” (Jeremy Corbyn)

When Theresa May pledges to fight injustice and make Britain “a country that works for everyone”, I see Herod promoting the joy of hand washing.

I'm sure a new picture of Princess Charlotte will be a great comfort to the million foodbank users and the homeless in Tory Britain.

by **Ivan** Thu May 04, 2017 9:51 am

May to Kuennsberg: "I don't predict election results".
May to Juncker: "I expect to be re-elected".
You can't believe a word that May says.

A strong and stable leader does not flip from talk of “Brussels gossip” in the morning to a seething rant about the EU in the afternoon.

“As Theresa May heads to Buckingham Palace to dissolve Parliament, Tory HQ says it shows she’s not scared to get out and meet ordinary people.” (David Schneider)

The Titanic was strong and stable........until it hit an iceberg.

Theresa May says "every vote for me will strengthen my hand", making it all the stronger with which to strangle us.

"People are worried about the risk of robots taking their jobs. I fear with this PM it’s already happened." (Tom Watson)

Theresa May blaming Brussels for her own inadequacies is horribly reminiscent of far-right thugs blaming immigrants for their impotence.

Rumour has it that Mrs Windsor is stepping down and Theresa May will be your new monarch. It's the only way to give her the mandate she needs!

“I'm trying to work out what Mrs May being a 'bloody difficult woman' with Europe will achieve, apart from no free trade deal for Britain.” (Krishnan Guru-Murthy‏)

If there's still any way of getting a message to mainland Europe, please tell them there are some sane people trapped in this asylum.

by oftenwrong Thu May 04, 2017 7:27 pm

by boatlady Thu May 04, 2017 10:57 pm

by **Ivan** Sat May 06, 2017 12:16 am

Excellent local elections results for UKIP, as they win overall control of Tory policy.

Michael Fallon claiming that the Conservatives need a strong majority to build a "fairer Britain" is the biggest joke of the century.

Doctors advised Philip Windsor that giving up the onerous duty of public arm-waving should vouchsafe him a couple more decades.

David Davis says "no one said a deal with the EU would be easy", in the same way that "no one said we'd give the NHS £350m a week".

On the certainties of life: death 19%, taxes 24%, a UKIP representative on ‘Question Time’ 57%.

“Instead of gibbering her daft figures in an interview, Diane Abbott should have put them on the side of a bus. She'd have got away with that.” (Mark Steel)

The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

UKIP supporters who banged on about how the elites were out of touch with the common man are now voting Tory!

Theresa May's speech on the Britain she wants would have been marvellous - if made by someone giving reasons for getting rid of Theresa May.

That was the worst night for Lincolnshire UKIP members since the tartan travel rug and thermos shortage of 1953.

The Tories are taking us to hell in a handcart - and we keep voting for it.

Cameron is thrilled with the Tory victories over UKIP in UK local elections. In unrelated news, a survivor of the Titanic is delighted to receive a refund.

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