Pease Pottage Conservative Club

by **Phil Hornby** Thu Oct 13, 2011 10:02 am

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News from our modest little home will appear here, from time to time, in due course.

You have been warned.... Smile

by **Phil Hornby** Thu Oct 13, 2011 2:52 pm

From the Archives

Conservative Club News
As Christmas approaches we are exhorted at the Club to remember that this is the time of year when we Tories should be thinking of others in the community and asking ourselves what extra efforts they can employ to make life even better for us.
All has not been well this week : our Chairman was sure he had secured the opportunity for the Club to be the venue for the upcoming County Barber’s Shop Harmony Competition and so put too little effort into his important presentation , relying instead upon taking along Sir Roger Bidrigger to influence his friends on the judging Panel to bring what we imagined was to be a richly-deserved success, founded securely upon the usual bribes offered. Imagine our surprise to see the prestigious event go to a Working Men’s Club across town which had offered an even bigger ‘bung’ than ourselves! We had previously barely heard of said club, and, furthermore, had not realised that there were any working men left after the recent sterling efforts of The Coalition .
Our neighbouring Constituency is to enjoy a Parliamentary By-Election after the wretched Labour candidate was found to have misled he electorate last time round. Our temporary friend in the LibDems was, accordingly robbed of victory and has protested loudly that it is disgraceful for any politician to make statements at an election which are subsequently found to hold no water – a subject upon which his party is believed to have a high degree of expertise. But the worst feature of all for us Tories is that to have previously come third in any competition which relies upon the telling of lies to secure victory, suggests that we have totally lost our grip on the art of dissembling. Naturally, we have pledged our full support to our LibDem colleague in his renewed quest for the seat , but are currently seeking whatever dirt we can find on him to ensure a Tory victory for honest politics.
Meanwhile our own MP has finally determined what he is to do about the Student Fees issue : it is a stunningly clever plan. He will tell students that he will, of course, vote against it and then go into the Coalition Lobby come the vote! He will then dismiss any awkward questions thereafter by saying that he was entirely confused about the whole matter and had no idea about the true nature of the size of the problem. What brilliance! Provided the students are even more stupid than our much-treasured Member he should get away with it, although it has to be admitted that no bets are being taken at present!
After all this, one needs a drink , perhaps a pint or two of mouth-watering Thatcher’s Dribble , although even this may not be enough to soothe the annoyance of our keen - if somewhat erratic- Caretaker, Mr Brownboots after Anne Widdecombe’s removal from that TV dancing competition. Mr B has been heard muttering about the disgraceful bias of the BBC in not recognising the talent of what must be the greatest dancer since Margot Fonteyn. Still, some of the blame must be shared by that oily Anton du Beke fellow, whom Miss Widdecombe has been so ably assisting – I mean, we have long known that we just can’t trust those coves with foreign names...

by **Phil Hornby** Thu Oct 13, 2011 2:54 pm

From the Archives

Conservative Club News
As I make my way to the club today, I have the opportunity of grumbling at a number of youths who obstruct my path. They appear to be on a ‘half-term holiday’ , but spend their time listening to electronic equipment and fumbling with their mobile telephones . Why they can’t do as we did in our younger days and spend those welcome breaks from study in the South of France on a friend’s yacht is beyond me.
Arriving at the ivy-decked walls which adorn our second home , I note that on the ‘Specials’ Board for the LibDem cafeteria ( for our Coalition friends are permitted their own dining accommodation - formerly the boiler house) is a tempting Ensalada Espana . However, when I ask for the dish in our own restaurant , the waiter winks, smiles knowingly , and informs me that it will not be on the menu for we Tories since the consignment from the greengrocers was noted to be marked ‘Deutschland : Export Only’. What it can all mean is unclear, but one assumes that there has been yet another disagreement with our European cousins over some trivial invasion of an adjoining country or some other such irrelevance which those weak-kneed Liberals would simply not comprehend .
As I have a busy schedule, I limit lunch to 3 hours. On departing, I notice a lengthy queue at the LibDem Unisex lavatory ( a lavishly constructed – if single cubicle- addition to our old building which was generously adapted when space had to found for the Coalition ‘partners’) . Many of those who stagger out of the aforesaid facility appear to mutter something about : “ So you had the salad too...”. One would think that they had better things to do than to compare lunch choices, but it just goes to show that Tories are streets ahead when it comes to conversation pieces, concentrating as we do on the crucial topics of the day , such as the Derby favourite and hamper contents for Henley.
I am told that in the Members’ Smoking Room ( Nicotine Patches only, by order of the Secretary) , there is still much comment about how unlucky Lord Handintill was to have been convicted over his paltry expenses claims of £3 million for 2010 (January to May only ) simply because he was in Monte Carlo for his customary post-Christmas relaxation during the period of the claim. Honestly, if the authorities are going to become so fussy about the slightest minor oversight , their Lordships may decline to attend the House and the nation may be denied the benefit of the wisdom of such luminaries ( especially for the period they are in Wormwood Scrubs ). It also appears that it was a black day for Lord Taylormadeforjail but, for some reason, there is little concern at the club over his case.
After a stressful afternoon’s appointments lasting all of 20 minutes, I feel in need of some refreshment , so will return to the bar this evening for a few pints of Duncan’s Ballbouncer, when , hopefully, the club will be rid of those tiresome LibDem fellows who currently seem to incessantly debate the merits of some chap called E.Coli or somesuch.....

by **Phil Hornby** Thu Oct 13, 2011 2:55 pm

From the Archives

Conservative Club News
Alas, today my good lady is at Wimbledon - and , coincidentally, my wife is also away - and so, annoyingly, I have to provide my own breakfast.
I decide to take advantage of the much-talked-about ‘ Special All Day 24/7 Breakfast’ at the Club (7.30 – 9am, Thursdays and Fridays only). My stroll is longer than usual as I deliberately go out of my way so as to be able to be offended about the anticipated picket line of teachers etc outside the local school, which is bound to be shut for the ‘strike’ of layabouts. To my surprise the school is open. Apparently all the staff there belong to the break-away association , called the National Union of Tory Teachers, Educationalists and Related Staff ( NUTTERS).
This means that I have to amble still further afield to be able to harangue a group of unworthy shirkers at another establishment. I am told that some of those ‘withdrawing their labour’, in pursuit of their unwarranted cause, cheekily expect to eventually receive the age-related sums they have paid for, and that some of them actually live long enough to collect it – many being able to access their benefits as early as age 84. This must be the ‘gold-plated pension’ that all my colleagues at the Club refer to so often. I have no idea what it means, but I keep parroting the phrase as it does seem to be expected of one. It appears that some of these greedy Trotskyites can reap as much as £3000pa as a pension. Ridiculous that the taxpayer should have to fund such excesses! It makes one glad that one has a shifty Accountant to ensure that any personal tax liability is completely circumvented. Why these people can’t provide for themselves like the rest of us do – ie by inheriting a large sum from a father who has made his fortune by working several hundred underpaid people to death in pursuit of huge profits - is beyond me.
Things don’t improve when I eventually reach the Club. There has been a kerfuffle at the St Greed’s Private Hospital for Rich Gentlefolk. The Club Chairman had been asked to leave a ward by the Matron, Ms Beddpann, when he arrived with a retinue of Public Relations Advisers in order to further the cause of his hoped-for re-election next month. Luckily the day was saved when he uttered the soothing words to the Lady of the Lamp : “ Trust me; I’m a shareholder”. Still, it all seemed a bit rum to me – so much so, in fact, that I took an early tipple of said spirit by asking the barman for a large Hague’s Sailors’ Choice .
Finally, I know it has been a long time since we saw him, but I still keep my eyes peeled for our former unlamented caretaker , Mr Brownboots. In fact, every time I see a dishevelled tramp begging for change on the pavement , I feel sure it must be him, but when I look more closely, I realise that each of them is insufficiently grubby and ignorant to be our man...

by **Phil Hornby** Thu Oct 13, 2011 2:59 pm

From the Archives

Conservative Club News
At last my temporary and totally unjustifiable ban for allegedly drawing a swastika on the shirt collar of David Cameron’s picture in the Club’s lobby is served and I am allowed back into the hallowed portals. I continue to protest my innocence, but confess instead to having been the member who wrote the rude ditty about William Hague on the wall in the Gents’ lavatory. It wasn’t easy to find a relevant word to rhyme with ‘Toyboy’, I can tell you...
The offending piece of what I like to think of as ‘art’ has now been removed, but not by the janitor. That is because that postholder, Mr Brownboots, has not been seen for several months. Celebrations over the bad news have, naturally, been both joyous and protracted . Letters enquiring about his well-being have been reluctantly sent to his last known address in the hope that they are returned marked ‘not known at this address’ or ‘ gone to prison’, but of the fellow, not a word. The best information we have – no more than a rumour really – is that he was last seen entering the High Court to apply for a Super Injunction to prevent the Pease Pottage Advertiser from a devastating revelation that Boots had indulged upon a relationship with a woman who had a past to which no person would wish to admit, although I am personally quite relaxed about anyone who had been a LibDem Councillor during their misguided youth.
It will clearly take me some time to regain favour with the Club’s more influential officers after my minor misdemeanour, but I shall resort to the usual dignified Tory approach in such circumstances and adopt a fawning and suitably subservient attitude to the key people and be seen to wave as much cash at any of their pet projects as will draw their attention to my immense good deeds.
Must dash -off now for a pint of Norris’s Old Shagger...

by **Phil Hornby** Thu Oct 13, 2011 3:08 pm

From the Archives

Conservative Club News
At the club this lunchtime we are suspicious of our new Barman who has a notice on display exhorting customers to: “Try a pint of Oldham & Saddleworth Ale – it goes down better than the Tory vote!”. As a precaution against some flaw in his recruitment process we are re-checking his CV – not least the six-year spell he had in prison for tax evasion, which was, paradoxically, the factor which attracted the club to his potential in the first place.
Our Chairman has urged everyone to be cheerful about the by-election this week, pointing out that we won a stunning victory by out-gunning our ‘reserve team’ the BNP and, but for two other parties inexplicably getting more votes than our unforgettably good candidate (whose name escapes me), we would be celebrating the victory which the understandable popularity of the government deserves.
Some members were lucky enough to be regaled by Mr Brownboots, our caretaker, today, who captivated all those who couldn’t find an excuse to get away with the shocking news that , to his certain knowledge, there are 3425 unmarried women in the immediate vicinity who have produced 10000 children this year, all of whom intended to vote Labour and live a luxurious lifestyle on benefits . It was puzzling to see the unease of some members at the mention of the fatherless children and the interest they showed in whether Mr B actually knew who were the wretched men responsible for this social time-bomb. Perhaps they wish to give them a piece of their mind and seek to convert them with some of our excellent party leaflets which contain a range of promises for a Big Society in which the poor know their place by serving the more deserving of us!
Meanwhile in the true spirit of Eric Pickles’ determination to rid the nation of crippling New Labour parking fees we have amended our tariff as follows :
Less than 1 hour : was £1 now £3.50
1-2 hours : was £2 now £6
2-3 hours : was £3 now £8
3-4 hours : you’re spending too much time here drinking
4-5 hours : get the lady wife to pick you up later
Members are reminded that Mr Brownboots ( also Car Parking Senior Executive ) and his new delightful Asian babe assistant ,Vo Ting Tolee, have the authority to apply fines at his discretion and to make up arrival times as Gordon sees fit, although it is often difficult to see if they are actually in the Attendants’ Booth since the windows seems perpetually steamed-up...

by **Phil Hornby** Thu Oct 13, 2011 3:09 pm

From the Archives

Conservative Club News : Christmas and New Year Raffle Winners
All those not winning the major prizes shall receive a signed photograph of David Cameron taken on a misty morning with low sun which highlights the true majesty of his facial bone structure.
Main Winners :

5th Prize : Meal for two at the Blue Bore Hotel and Restaurant ( valid Leap Years only) – Mr & Mrs Stuffer , David’s Den, The Avenue

4th Prize : A Year’s free membership to the Eric Pickles Health Club and Spa – Miss Fiona Fitt-Bird, Tart’s Roost, The Cuttings

3rd Prize : Box of 25 King Edward Cigars ( made in Pease Pottage) – Mr W. Hague & Partner (latter’s name illegible on ticket stub) – c/o Nearest Hotel ( Honeymoon Suite)

2nd Prize : Weekend at Gleneagles, Hotel, Perthshire – Mr & Mrs Smugly- Riche, Dunbankin, Crooks Crescent

1st Prize : One gallon of Petrol from Asda Filling Station – Mr G. Brownboots, 66 Creepers’ Croft, Much-lying-on the –Threads

Congratulations to all our winners and thanks to our ticket sellers , especially Gordon Brownboots who also drew the tickets and was luckily the recipient of the top prize . What luck for him ( and, coincidentally, for the fifth year running!)

Finally, would any member who has not yet had any of their family or friends arrive home after the New Year Dance please check the Caretaker’s Workshop where assorted unconscious persons have been stacked pending collection...

by **Phil Hornby** Tue Oct 18, 2011 7:52 pm

Members were fortunate this week to enjoy a talk by Lady Stuffilly-Grande entitled 'Fond Memories from My Childhood ' in which she recalled Mafeking being relieved and the sheer enjoyment of her late father , Colonel Horatio S-G having participants of the 1926 General Strike shot at dawn in the Family's rose garden. It was only such joyous tales, and the fact that unemployment has risen, which could cheer us after such a torrid fortnight.

The Club received a missive from Central Office which gave us an update on a couple of the more high-profile inconveniences : we are assured that the recently-departed Defence Secretary is totally innocent and that all the fuss is the fault of anyone but him and especially any advisers who he has never had with him at meetings with Military Chiefs and Arms Traders. Furthermore, he has made no improper financial gain from his post, but the recent stresses have necessitated his taking a rest at one of his three recently-acquired villas in Mustique. On another matter we are told that Mr Letwin was a tad unlucky to be seen using his alfresco correspondence retrieval system which he inherited from the previous government. He mistakenly believed that a reference to it being a PFI project meant 'Put Filing In'. His psychiatric treatment is ongoing.

The complete lack of news about Gordon Brownboots - our former caretaker- leads us to the conclusion that he must , sadly, have gone to that great Polling Station in the sky. If his celestial cavassing style is akin to that he employed on earth , St. Peter may well have despatched him to Hades - an especially unfortunate fate for Boots, since Labour are believed to have a majority there.

Upcoming events at the Club include a film evening - there will be a showing of
'The Great Pretender' ( 20th Century Liam Fox) ( subtitles for the hard of believing). This replaces the originally-intended Club Drama Production of 'The Good, The Bad and The Ugly' which had to be cancelled since , according to our Director ,Crispin Daarling, it only proved possible to cast the last two roles from within our Membership.

All of this means that a chap has to console himself with a pint or two of Werritty's Backdoor Burglar - an ale from the cask. It comes in a distinctive barrel which has a particularly large bung...

by **Phil Hornby** Thu Oct 20, 2011 11:46 am

Sadly, the spectre of cruel coincidence has visited us this week. Our Club's Head of Security , Lee M.Wolf has been forced to resign over issues with his adviser, Aidan N. Abbettin, whom he surreptitiously took on the payroll and who has been linked to the somewhat extravagant purchase of six dozen burglar alarms - from newly-identified contractors called Abbettin, Abbettin & Wolf - ostensibly acquired to protect the small but tasteful pen and ink sketch of John Major , which adorns the waste bin shed..

The Club Chairman has paid the following tribute to Wolfie : " It is with great regret that we accept the resignation of our Security Chief. He has been a valued servant and disgusting little slug , demonstrating the true Tory spirit of secretly feathering his own nest whilst in office, and being unlucky enough to be caught while blaming the entire matter on anyone but himself. We shall greatly miss his sheer greed and selfless attention to his own interests".

Such tragic news can only be ameliorated by summoning the barman and ordering several jugs of Cat's Tale - a fine tipple, brewed by Clarke & May- noted for the considerable body they bring to their product....

by **Phil Hornby** Sat Oct 22, 2011 3:58 pm

Despite the fact that some Club Members believe I am some sort of undercover subversive whose principal purpose in life is to bring disrepute to all things Conservative, I have been invited to join the Club’s Publicity Committee (Chairman : Dick Head).

I regard it as an honour to have the opportunity to contribute to proclaiming to the community the principles upon which we Tories live our lives, namely ensuring the poor know their place and that the only way to solve the nation’s problems is to stuff as much cash into already-rich people’s pockets as they can possibly hold. We need to make better-known the true value of high unemployment – for a start it has the not inconsiderable benefit of keeping wages very low and ensures a more appropriate level of subservience amongst the lower classes.

Another stunningly brilliant idea which I have is a poster campaign which sets out the urgent need to dismantle the National Health Service. If no such provision existed it would have the immediate effect of discouraging the great unwashed from imagining they were ill. The cash saved from such an initiative would be far better used in cutting the rate of tax for higher earners – or at least those of us who are not already skilfully evading the tentacles of Her Majesty’s Revenue & Customs (also to be abolished under my breathtakingly-excellent campaign).

So far my musings are generally well-received by Committee colleagues, the only small criticism being that I have not yet quite generated sufficiently cruel or unpleasant proposals for me to be taken entirely seriously. I am urged to follow the much-admired example of a veteran member, Henry Hangen-Floggem, who continues to speak out in favour of a Whites-only Wimbledon, the re-instatement of Slavery , forced repatriation of anyone from Wales and, for some unfathomable reason, anonymity for closet gay members of Conservative Clubs in Sussex. I am exhorted to make strenuous efforts to reach the exemplary level of prejudice of which Henry is a master. I can but seek to meet these stringent demands of attracting the total contempt of decent people, a state in which we Tories flourish.

But all this is thirsty work. An infusion of Major’s Mild ( a very weak and insipid offering) may just tide me over until a more high-octane pint is available...

by **Phil Hornby** Sat Oct 22, 2011 8:09 pm

The Club seems to have attracted some form of ‘protest group’, members of which have brought tents and set up camp on the green nearby. They appear to have some wholly unwarranted gripe about a financial crisis afflicting the nation and blame it all on ‘capitalists’, whoever they are.

Try as we might to get to the bottom of it all, we simply cannot see what all the fuss is about. I have personally canvassed all my chums within the sacred walls and none is in any way in financial discomfort, apart possibly from Jimmy ’Snooty’ Snodgrass, who has detected a slight rise in the price of his regular deliveries of Beluga Caviar from Fortnum’s. Aside of that, one can visualise no forced reductions in the orders for the splendid Christmas Hampers this year from local suppliers Killet & Tinnet, ( By Appointment: Purveyors of Canned Foods to the Filthy Rich and Incredibly Self-Satisfied) .

Several Club stalwarts approach the assembled newcomers in their ‘canvas city’. They seem to imagine that they know us more intimately than is the case. They make the consistent error of thinking each of my colleagues is the same person , since they shout out : “ Oi, Wayne Kerr, what are you looking at?” to anyone who totters over to have a peek at their pointless gesture. Having checked the Club membership list I cannot even identify the said Mr Kerr , and I believe there may have been some confusion with Wayne Inspane – whom I recall as a former member who had an unfortunate speech impediment and who was always falling on the plane when taking holidays abroad.

On a more positive note, several colleagues and I are enjoying a visit elsewhere in town to a new hostelry which has been opened by one of the ex-advisers to a recently-ousted Cabinet Minister. The beer is of low quality , but there was something about the public house’s name which had a familiar ring to it . A warm welcome and cheap ex-MoD items can be found here ( knock twice on the back room door and ask for ‘Mr .W’ – cash only)

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Ah...I was intending to write more but the Police appear to have arrived unexpectedly.......

by **Phil Hornby** Tue Oct 25, 2011 4:49 pm

After the scrape with our Boys in Blue, we have vowed never again to set foot in that wretched pub ( whose name we shall quietly forget) nor to be tempted into buying any more anti-tank missiles - however cheap they are and however persuasive the silver-tongued Mr Werritty tries to be.

Instead we spent this lunchtime back in our hallowed home and discussed the awful chaos inflicted upon the Party in last night's Commons vote. It is most embarrassing that so many of our brave MPs were forced to openly vote against the better judgement of that French-loving , onion-chewing , beret-wearing Leader of ours. The PM better be very careful in even hinting that we should have any truck with that unseemly ragbag of foreigners that Europe appears full of. Are we to have to contemplate being prevented from telling all those insignificant countries what they should be doing? Whatever next - will they suggest that the Empire should be dismantled?

As if all that was not bad enough, we are also beset by the moaning from certain quarters that spending on Education is currently being severely cut. What rubbish - we have it on the highest authority that our splendid Education Secretary, Mr Glove, has had a hand in ensuring that all pupils in our local State schools will each be permitted to have a new pencil of their very own by 2015. Just because the new Academies like the Pease Pottage Big Society Kentucky Fried Chicken Seat of Learning for the Obese Sons of Gentlefolk - (Principal: Nigel Knucklerapper) - have attracted a minor windfall of an extra £5m each year does not mean that other establishments who declined to become part of the new Tory educational scene are disadvantaged. Some will even be able to afford to employ teachers and have their heating on by February half-term.

Don't forget our Club's scary Hallowe'en Party this weekend. Get your Eric Pickles or Margaret Thatcher masks as soon as possible and make ready to set sail to scare the living daylights out of a few Labour voters in the adjacent housing estates which blight the outer areas of our beautiful countryside. Never let it be said that we are not conscious of the need to engage fully with all members of the community....

by **Phil Hornby** Mon Oct 31, 2011 5:03 pm

Urgent Notice

Tonight's proposed Hallowe'en entertainment has had to be cancelled. As you will know, we normally enjoy the ritual slaughter of a Council Tenant on this night, but , unfortunately, none could be found on account of all the local social housing having been sold since the golden days of Mrs Thatcher. Efforts to find a substitute in the shape of a benefits cheat have been unsuccessful.

Instead we shall resurrect the novel game first tried in 1998 called ' Pass the Pumpkin'. We now feel it is once more safe to indulge in this harmless sport, since a considerable time has now passed since the police case surrounding the alleged indecent assault on Mrs Ample-Cheste who was holding the aforementioned items at that time - an episode which led to the resignation of our former colleague,Toby Groper.

Please note also that the advertised cinematograph show has been delayed indefinitely. This is because 'The Making of the Blue Nun', which we thought was a documentary about Wine Production has been discovered to be something rather different. This was revealed only after all members of the Entertainments Committee had reviewed the film twenty-seven times since the weekend.

Finally, in the spirit of Hallowe'en , Members are encouraged to ensure that any small children knocking on the Club door and cheekily threatening 'Trick or Treat?' tonight are told that unless they leave the premises without delay we shall ensure that an ASBO is sent by return of post.

Nigel Funthrottler
Head of Party-Pooping

by **Phil Hornby** Tue Nov 01, 2011 2:55 pm

Today the Club bar and dining room are full of excited voices recalling the great fun we all had last night when we managed to frighten several dozen unsuspecting local children with our Eric Pickles and Ann Widdecombe masks , although the Chairman's mother - Mrs Crinkley-Visage - appeared to generate even louder screams when she removed her facial covering. And, strangely, that was just from the members....

We are also buoyed today by the fanatstic growth figues for the economy which Central Office tells us show a 50% rise this quarter, although the exact position of the decimal points on the fax seem to have become smudged during transmission.

Some here are exercised by the alarming figures on adoptions : several members are prepared to assist Mr Cameron's push for greater opportunities in this direction by the clever device of offering their offspring for sale to the highest bidder. If only it were not too late for me - alas, I suspect that the merest glance at the costs involved in their full service history would render the task an impossible one!

More misfortune besets the Club. Our guest speaker last Friday - Mr Obinga Ndingo - who kindly came to speak on 'Voices from Other Cultures', unaccountably felt unable to continue with his visit after our chef, in seeking to offer customary hospitality, asked him if he wanted anyone to eat. Still there is no getting into the mindset of some people - as folk in the community oddly often remark to us.

All in all , life can only be made more bearable by a pint of Papandreou's 'Liquid Assets' ( very low volume of everything).

by **Phil Hornby** Thu Nov 03, 2011 3:18 pm

The generosity of Club members knows no bounds. Today the large sealed tin bearing the legend : ' Let's Give for Greece' was opened so that the contents could be forwarded to the Greek Embassy. Accordingly, those previously impecunious chaps will soon be in possession of a beer-bottle top, half a 50 drachma note , three buttons ( two of which match) , a personally-signed photo of Margaret Thatcher with the scribbled message ' You turn if you want to end up like Greece. -the Lady's not for ..er..what was it now?' , a 1977 Rugby League Challenge Cup Final Programme , 2/7d in loose change, a wine gum, and an out-of-date condom ( unused). To these generous offerings we shall add a set of Pease Pottage Conservative Club 2011 Christmas Cards , which should strike a chord with the recipients since they bear a seasonal picture of children starved and dying from the Yuletide cold under the title :'We're all in this Together - Happy New Year ( if we survive)'.

In the light of all this I think we can feel well-satisfied that we have shown our traditional response to any fellow human-beings we perceive to have fallen on troubled times. Little wonder that when we leave the Club we are so often treated to cries from passers-by of 'Bravo', ' For he's a jolly good fellow' and 'You bastards have got it coming'...

by **Phil Hornby** Tue Nov 08, 2011 2:01 pm

The interesting things one learns from idle chatter. It seems to me from talking to a new group of chaps with funny accents who suddenly appeared out of the blue at the Club, that Theresa May graciously allowed a whole load of those foreign coves, whom we usually so dislike,into the country on the basis that they had met certain conditions – namely that they gave a solemn guarantee to the two Border Agency chaps left in post that (a) they were jolly good fellows, (b) they know nothing about how to make a bomb (c) they would definitely vote Conservative and (d) they promised they wouldn’t tell anyone about the ruse.

Thank heavens that integrity is alive and well and evidenced so clearly by Ms May who has told us all today that nothing is anything to do with her, she wasn't told anything and that it is all the fault of somebody else, despite the fact that the Coalition is running out of people left to blame given the encouragingly-large number of redundancies they have effected.

It was somewhat strange, however, that once other members started to take an interest in our previously unknown guests and asked them whence they had arrived at our Club, they quickly disappeared from sight – as , coincidentally, did much of the dining room silver and some lead off the roof.

All in all, it makes us Tories grateful that we now have a government which is truly in charge and that Mr Cameron never has all those dreadful weekly crises that we used to endure during the days of the Labour Government , such as a financial turmoil, problems over immigration , policy u-turns, Ministerial resignations, corrupt practice in public life, high petrol and fuel prices, rising unemployment and low growth. But then , who in their right mind would ever tolerate such a menu of disaster from our political masters...?

by **Phil Hornby** Thu Nov 17, 2011 3:39 pm

Some members - myself amongst them – are amazed to learn today that the barbed-wire- surrounded compound which has been situated discreetly on the edge of town for some time is being used as a luxurious ‘pre-departure accommodation centre’ for those foreign chaps who sneak into our country on the promise of a life of democracy and fairness – it goes to show how misguided some of those from those other ill-educated countries can be.

Although some of my chums have occasionally noticed the facility as they drove past on their way to the Hunt, we had always assumed from the shabby inmates peering through the wire and the snarling dogs along the perimeter that it was an attempt to resurrect the almost-defunct Labour Club to which we once sent our former caretaker, Gordon Brownboots to set fire. Had it not been for the poor chap dribbling over his matches that day as he got into a lather when discussing the privations visited upon us by the last government, he may well have been able to claim ‘mission accomplished’.

So far as the centre is concerned , it appears that some do-gooders claim that such places cause ‘depression and bed-wetting’ , but I am confident that nobody at the Club has been in any way affected by such anxiety over the matter and that bed-wetting was already a prominent feature of some members’ lives for some considerable time – at least according to my colleague Gerald Oddley-Dampe.

Naturally, now we know the true purpose of the centre we shall be pressing our local councillors to have it moved some distance away and as soon as we can identify a location where the Tory vote is inexplicably low , the important campaign will start in earnest, subject to it not interrupting any pre-Christmas House Parties, of course.

Having sorted out one dilemma , one only has to pick up the papers to be assailed by yet another controversy. That Blatter fellow who runs the show for soccer across the globe seems to have upset a few folk with his comments about racism in the game. The solution is simple - as my friend Johannes van der Hooligaan says : just let the whites have their league while the others enjoy another competition somewhere separately. Apparently they tried that in Hoolie’s country once and it all worked out spiffingly.

Just off now for a pint of Osborne’s ‘Northern Rock’ which is being offered at the Bar at a very low price while stocks last...

by **Phil Hornby** Sun Nov 20, 2011 1:58 pm

Important Notice for Members

Don't forget to order your Christmas 2011 Raffle Tickets both for sale to the unwitting and for personal use. There is bound to be a late rush to avoid buying them so make sure you have an excuse ready in good time for having forgotten your wallet.

Prizes this year include :

• Ticket to kiss Mr Cameron’s bottom at the 2012 Party Conference ( no lipstick permitted)
• Set of William Hague ‘Adviser’ -brand frilly underwear ( pastel shades)
• Tickets to Chipping Sodbury Conservative Club’s Summer Fete - see Eric Pickles attempt to eat a world record 37 cheeseburgers in 8 minutes for charity ( The Pickles Foundation for Obese Political Nonentities)
• The Lord Hanningfield Pocket Companion for Jailbirds ( with free replica fraudulent expenses claim)
• The A-Z Directory of Benefit Cheats 2012 ( published by Central Office Data Manipulation Division)
• A dart board featuring a picture of Ed Miliband - aim for the bull and watch him squeal! (Nick Clegg on reverse in event of changed circumstances)
• A free treatment at your nearest Anne Widdecombe Beauty Parlour ( available after dark only)
• A copy of Liam Fox’s new book –“ Defence Techniques –Part 1 : Resignation” ( ed . A Werrity)
• Nicholas Soames’s exciting new DVD : “ Fatness to Fitness – how I failed miserably”
• STAR PRIZE – Guaranteed Selection for a safe Conservative Parliamentary Seat ( subject to satisfying dishonesty requirements)

(signed) Simon Sertain-Crooke
Raffle Organiser

by **Phil Hornby** Wed Nov 23, 2011 9:30 am

Consternation stalks the Club today. We have it on good authority, from our resident expert on such matters, that some monstrosity called a ‘wind farm’ is proposed for the district. Martin Wynd-Braiker conveyed the news when he popped in for his lunchtime tipple at 10am yesterday. Our chum must have all the latest on this issue since he is an acknowledged master nosey-parker whom nothing gets past - save a few relevant facts from time to time. His interest in all matters gusty goes back to his schooldays at St Trump’s Academy for the Sons of the Flatulent when ‘Farty Marty’ -as he was known - was finally potty-trained by Matron at the age of 17.

The whole awful scenario suggests that ugly masts will besmirch the horizons and that timeless views across the unspoilt pasture land will be lost forever. All of that would be tolerable, of course, were it not for the fact that none of us at the Club owns the land on which the said ‘Farm ‘ will be built and we cannot, therefore, make any cash from the undertaking.

That, and the fact that the values of some colleagues’ properties could well be reduced below £3 million, means that we are most vehemently opposed to the plans. Consequently we are immediately contacting the powers that be to say clearly that there will be no such wind generators built - not in our back passage!

Naturally, we are not oblivious to the need for power generation and have hatched a stupendously forward-looking ruse to plug any energy gaps by building a treadmill on the edge of town which can be utilised by means of coercing the local unemployed , who should all be jolly grateful for the opportunity at last to contribute usefully to Society. Never let it be said that we are not mindful of the needs of others - which have to be a priority, after our own have been fully-satisfied.

All here are agreed that there will be no relief from the attendant anxiety for any at the Club until the matter is settled – or, alternatively, until the bar is open at lunchtime...

by **Phil Hornby** Wed Nov 30, 2011 1:39 pm

Strictly Confidential Note to Club Members from A. Dulle-Scribbler (Secretary)

Not a word out of school, chaps, but I’ve had an urgent call this morning from Central Office about this simply awful Public Service strike.

It seems that Mr Cameron and George Osborne are in a bit of a tizz about the whole bally mess. Everyone knows that those tax-funded johnnies are pretty essential in keeping the nation on the straight and narrow, but it is vital that nobody here lets the cat out of the bag.

Accordingly, we are exhorted to trot out the party line that they are all a bunch of wasters whom we could do without with ease and that each is a Trotskyite seeking to overthrow the very fabric of our traditional British way of relying upon poorly-paid people to do essential work until they are 90 years old.

Here are the key messages to promote in the community , should anyone in the street not cross over as usual when we are spotted advancing towards them:
1 It’s all a jolly rotten inconvenience and we are really miffed.
2 All public servants retire at 45 with a pension of at least £60,000 pa.
3 Some valiant private sector employees -especially bankers - are facing poverty, being down to their last few million quid and not knowing where their next Lamborghini is coming from.
4 People found manning ‘picket-lines’ ( I had to look it up, too) will suffer the most serious punishments including being sent on a compulsory seminar at which Norman Tebbitt will speak on ‘The Benefits of Cycling to Work’.
5 It’s all the fault of Europe and immigrants .
6 The action is entirely ineffective and, despite union efforts, has had no effect whatsoever.
7 The nation has been brought to its knees by the cynical strategies of the strikers and the end of the world is moments away..
8 No lie is too big to tell about the horrid people involved – feel free to fib to your heart’s content.
9 Did we mention it wasn’t our fault in any way?
10 Keep calm and carry on drinking gin and tonic and pretend you know what you're talking about.

Please refer any queries on these matters to our PR adviser, Justin De Niall .

by **Phil Hornby** Tue Dec 06, 2011 3:48 pm

The Club has enjoyed one of the traditional highlights of its year this week, and it has to be said that the 2011 version of the event has been of the very highest order. We were due to be graced by the presence of none other than Sir John Major, who was to present the Club’s coveted ‘Despicable Creep of the Year Award’ to Michael Gove, who all agree is a more than worthy winner for all his efforts to ruin education for the masses and make life impossible for those working in state schools.

However, Sir John – a past winner himself with a record five consecutive victories some years back – was forced into a late withdrawal, apparently caused by a vital meeting with Mrs Edwina Currie . But while we expected a second-rate substitute in the form of Andrew Lansley to do the honours, we unexpectedly found that we were to be graced by an appearance by the splendid and incomparable Mr Jeremy Clarkson.

The Top Gear Top Man was in simply terrific form and gave us the benefit of a few words of his wisdom over about 4 hours during which a number of members stayed awake . In particular, Mr C informed his amused audience of those whom he felt should be executed in front of their distraught children. These included:
• Trade unionists ( loud cheers ensued)
• Labour voters ( various animal noises)
• Immigrants ( shouts of : ‘hanging’s too good for them’)
• People who drive at under 60mph in town centres ( humorous cries of :‘honk, honk’)
• Strikers ( boos, and sounds of swords being drawn)
• Homosexuals ( mutterings of : ‘ some exceptions surely?')
• Lib Dems ( but not until 2015) ( grunting and vomiting )
• Anyone who doesn’t agree that Mr C is the most super person on telly ( loud snores )

The final quip which this master comedian had in store for the admiring throng was a proposal that he should personally take out Gordon Brown’s one remaining good eye with a red-hot poker and , naturally this resulted in a standing ovation and the singing of ‘For He’s a Jolly Good Fellow’ . Afterwards members formed a queue for autographs which our honoured guest gave willingly at only £50 a throw.

Unfortunately the evening ended on something of a sour note when the Chairman made a jocular remark that Mr Clarkson had, in fact breached the Club Dress Code by his failure to wear a tie, at which point our open-necked intrepid hero stamped his feet, burst into tears and left in a huff, sucking his thumb. Truly, what an upstanding example of the fearless Tory breed the man is!

All in all an unforgettable evening for the big winner Mr Gove ( who is still in the list of final nominations for the Pease Pottage ‘Most Obnoxious Little Shit of 2011’ Title), Jeremy our latest star speaker ,and not least the members, who laughed so much at his hilarious witticisms that , even now, few have a dry leg to call their own. Never let it be said that we Tories don’t have a tip-top sense of humour and are sporting enough to laugh at anyone who has a prominent disability or otherwise offends our view of the world...

by **Phil Hornby** Sun Dec 11, 2011 6:18 pm

The Chairman’s Christmas Message 2011
(also available on vellum at a charge of £25 - Euros not accepted)

Members of Pease Pottage Conservative Club can be heartened this Festive Season by the shining example of our beloved Prime Minister who has made himself a British hero by going to Europe with the express intention of sticking his tongue out at those horrible foreigners who won’t do exactly as he demands. This is the type of behaviour which made Britain great and generates highly-supportive headlines in splendid institutions like the Daily Mail and Daily Express who understand only too well how this nation still rules the waves when it comes to pure pig-headedness and being abusive to others.

Apart from being completely isolated, with no friends, no influence and even less opportunity for co-operation with other nations, Mr Cameron has certainly won a tremendous victory in the true Tory spirit of xenophobia.

This has been another successful year for the Club - we have ensured via the use of our friendly local agency badneighbours'R'us that there has been sufficient unpleasantness to ensure that the unwanted party next door - those prime examples of namby-pambyism, the Salvation Army Citadel – have been forced to move to premises elsewhere, and our general lowering of the tone of the area has also led to a Council Tax reduction for us. What a hoot!

We are pleased to note with pride that our Club football team has had unprecedented success by winning one of their twenty-seven games thus far - a deserved 1-0 victory against St Dunstan’s Women's Third Eleven, by virtue of a 127th minute own goal after our opponents failed to remember that they had changed ends at half-time. For the second consecutive season I have personally sponsored the team through my Foundation, the Tory Way Ahead To Success (TWATS) , and the players proudly have the Foundation’s initials emblazoned on their shirts. It seems to be the envy of every other team since each make a special mention of just how they approve of the emblem – what a shot in the arm for a team which has had such poor luck in getting shots in the net since 1997/98 season when we last scored a goal of our own.

We had five minutes silence at the recent Christmas Dinner in memory of our late Caretaker. Mr Brownboots. This was ,admittedly,slightly embarrassing since those present had, in fact, been asked to give personal reflections about their happy memories of the man who it was believed had become known to so many members as a staunch friend, loyal colleague and complete prat. He will not be forgotten – how ever hard we try. And - believe me –we have.

All raffle tickets have now been sold and the winners will be announced once the relevant committee has ensured that the prizes are won by the most appropriate recipients. As the year draws to a close let us remind ourselves with pride that we, as Tories, are unmatched both locally and nationally at those things which should be closest to the hearts of us all – dishonesty, greed and pure smug self-satisfaction underpinned by a steely determination to benefit ourselves above all others.

A Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to all of you .

( NB After Mr Clegg’s recent outburst, please note that Club facilities are closed to Lib Dem colleagues until further notice, and that it is no concern of ours that the closest available public lavatory - 2 miles away- is currently shut for refurbishment)

by **Phil Hornby** Tue Dec 20, 2011 7:04 pm

It is a considerable disappointment to learn that lunch will not be served at the Club on Christmas Day. Despite offering our kitchen and waiting staff triple time for the day’s labour we find that they simply will not turn out for the King’s Ransom of £3.50 an hour. It just goes to show how well of these ungrateful people are under Tory stewardship. We believed initially that a note, left by the Chef, headed ’ Turkey’ was a billet doux informing us how to prepare the bird, should we wish to cater for ourselves but , upon closer inspection, it appears to have been instructions on where the turkey should be stuffed. But for the inability to attract staff for 80 hpw shifts there could well have been a case for immediate disciplinary action.

Last week, the Seasonal Party for Members’ Children went off extremely well , especially with the arrival of Santa himself during the proceedings. It did not seem to matter one jot that most of the offspring attending were in excess of 40 years old and it was quite notable that such a high percentage of attendees were more than content to sit on Santa’s lap to receive their gift ( see picture below). While all the offered gifts were of high quality, the star item was clearly a wind-up doll of David Cameron which runs on for five years and repeats endlessly : “ It’s terrible what we inherited from the last Government”. Less popular, it has to be said, were those miniature replicas of Eric Pickles - which asks for more and more food until it eventually explodes messily - and that of William Hague which says nothing, but rather saucily drops its trousers, at which point some frilly underwear is revealed.

All very tasteful. How the children ( or at least those still sober at afternoon’s end) laughed - laughed, that is, until the Police arrived to arrest ‘Santa’ who was revealed -by virtue of his beard’s removal – as no less than Norbert Kiddyfiddler - a long-suspected local pervert who had arrived expecting a somewhat more youthful audience. The dreadful realisation was met by sobs , cries, and offers of a large cheque from some members for his list of ‘contacts’.

In the spirit of the season many of the Club’s great and good went carolling an evening or so back. We do feel it incumbent upon us to collect for a local good cause. Given the deliberate choice of a tone-deaf line –up, most homes upon which we called were only too pleased to make a generous donation , supplemented by an even larger cash sum upon being reminded that we would have no hesitation in returning for renditions of even more off-key verses of popular festive musical offerings. This tactic resulted in a substantial haul at day’s end. For the last ten years we have, inconveniently, been unable to decide which charity should benefit from our collection - and this year proved no exception. Consequently, what else were we to do but to repeat the acquired habits of the past decade and keep the loot for ourselves? Ho, ho, ho!

To us Conservatives, Christmas is a time for taking – a practice which we seek to maintain faithfully throughout the year. The Season’s message is that the meek shall , of course, inherit the earth and they are welcome to it, so long as they pay those of us who own most of it for the privilege. We have it on good authority from none other than the local Vicar, The Rev. Cedric Kneeler, that the Church fully supports the tenets of Conservatism . He said only last week of Mr Cameron : “ God only knows how he gets away with it....” Proof if it were needed that the Government - like our club - is surely divine...

Happy Christmas ( Tories only, naturally...)

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" Gosh , Santa - your rock's hard...."

by **Phil Hornby** Wed Dec 21, 2011 7:19 pm

We were most grateful to Mr Hague for his Christmas Card which arrived today- personally delivered by an adviser...

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by **Phil Hornby** Wed Dec 21, 2011 7:37 pm

Calling all Club Members! Need ideas for those last minute gifts, or just want to frighten your friends? We may have just the thing!

Yes, she's nuts, and now she can crack yours - the exclusive Thatcher Nutcrackers . Hurry now to avoid disappointment - only 10,000 pairs left. All that we got in stock actually....

£10 a pair - or 6 for a quid. Ok 50p. Or make us an offer........please!

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by **Phil Hornby** Wed Dec 21, 2011 8:45 pm

A Christmas Message from Lord Hanningfield to Club Members

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At this special time of year, you may as good Conservatives be asking yourselves : " Shall I fiddle my expenses to give me loads more cash for the Festive Period?" My considered opinion is that such a strategy should be avoided. I used to hold a contrary view and was - if I may be so immodest - a bit of an expert when it came to adding the odd twenty-seven extra trips on my Lords' claim form , or seeking reimbusement for forty- two days' attendance during each month.

However, I found to my cost that when some meddling bureaucrat starts actually checking how I could be in India at the same time as opening the Pease Pottage Summer Fete ( both warranting claims, naturally) that it attracts the interest of the Director of Public Prosecutions. Having made the necessary call to David Cameron to 'call off the dogs', only for him to say " I'm sorry Lord Handintill, I have used up my ration of favours for shifty friends" , there was nothing for it but for me to do the decent thing - ie blame somebody else entirely for the whole matter and pretend I knew nothing about it.

On reflection I should have listened to my Defence Counsel's advice, once I had found myself in Court, and pleaded insanity, since I was told that was a surefire winner in my case, but in my usual pig-headed way I thought I knew best and sought to rely on saying to the judge in a loud and authoritative voice " Don't you know who I am ?!" His Honour's response was : " Indeed I do and you are going to prison for 9 months". The rest is history - or will be when I have finished writing my exciting memoirs of my time eating porridge, entitled " Why I was innocent and it's all somebody else's fault". A catchy title and a snip at only £49.99 from all poor taste bookshops.

So there you have it from one who has learned their lesson- keep away from such difficulties by carefully crafting claims for extra lolly by putting those expenses down to something more believable ( I am reliably told that 'having wisteria trimmed' is a failsafe option). Have a jolly profitable Xmas and make sure you send my fee for this message in cash in a brown envelope to the usual phone box - no questions asked, know what I mean...

Lord Hanningfield (Prisoner No. Crook/2325512/11)

by **Phil Hornby** Fri Dec 23, 2011 2:22 pm

The Club's Christmas Highlight

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As a special treat, Club Members were invited to a viewing of the execution of leading local trade unionists and public servants, who were lined up against the car park wall and shot by popular marksman Mr Kent ' Mad Dog' Dougal.

Grateful thanks to our sponsor, Mr J.Clarkson...

by **Phil Hornby** Sat Dec 24, 2011 1:32 pm

Memorandum from the Club Chairman

The Club wishes to express its gratitude to Lady Thatcher for the Easter Card which arrived this morning...

by **Phil Hornby** Sat Dec 24, 2011 5:21 pm

Club Notice

Kind though the thought was no doubt intended to be, the message of Seasonal Goodwill sprayed onto the Club's perimeter wall by local passers-by contained some spelling errors : 'Bastards' has only one 't' in it and 'Sod Off ' is two words, not one.

May I also take this opportunity to thank those Members who gave up valuable drinking time to attend the picketing of the Labour Club's Children's Party to tell those youngsters attending that Santa Claus is not real, and that , in any event, the financial squeeze the lower classes are allegedly suffering will mean that no presents will be received this year.

(signed) Mary Crismass
Hon. Secretary : Community Alienation Committee

by **Phil Hornby** Thu Jan 05, 2012 9:51 pm

New Year Party Snaps

The Chairman enjoys himself and tries to pretend he hasn't just groped Miss Sally Slapper under the mistletoe:
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The Winners of the Young Conservative Insufferable Geeks of the Year Award were Mr Crispian Screwloose-Creepy from Crawley and his live-in significant other Ms Fenella Fotheringham-Featherstonehaugh ( aka 'Funny Fanny' since her gender-reassignment surgery) :

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New Women's Membership Recruitment secretary Mrs Polly Huffington-Chuffington puts on a brave face in the wake of the disappointing new uptake figures ( none )

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by **Phil Hornby** Mon Jan 09, 2012 10:10 am

We Conservatives are always looking to start the year on a positive and bright note and here are a few ideas which the Club's Publicity Committee is recommending to Mr Cameron in an attempt to boost the already sky-high ratings which our leader so richly deserves :

1 Establish a regular mandatory rally of millions at which he can review the state of his people, such as seems to go down so well with those North Korean chaps. The unemployed should swell the adoring throng quite nicely and it will give them the chance to praise Mr Cameron ( henceforth to be known as 'The Great Eurobasher') profusely for all the leisure time he has given them. Mix that with an enjoyable exhibition of that somehow surprisingly-attractive goosestepping from the two dozen servicemen we have left and it should be quite a party!

2 Ensure that , until the NHS is successfully dismantled, nurses talk more to their patients as David has recently ordered and ensure this has real purpose by the provision of a suitable daily script - to include soothing chatty conversational pieces such as " Have you thought about the benefits of BUPA?" ; " You'll not live long in here on the NHS, dear"; " Your bed's needed on Thursday, love, whether you're better or not" and "Medication? Do you think money grows on trees?".

3 Remove all that bureaucratic burden from our nurses and doctors by scrapping the tedious requirement for keeping a record of blood pressure, pulse and drugs administered and all the other tiresome paperwork which precedes the inevitable and all-too-expensive death of NHS patients.

4 Evict all inhabitants from the Isle of Wight and commence work on transforming it into a Memorial Garden for Lady Thatcher ( Admission £50 (no concessions) with free T-shirt bearing the legend 'The Lady's not for Turning in her Grave' )

With such sage advice from our ever - thoughtful Committee , how can we Tories fail to create the type of society we all wish to impose upon Britain?

by **Phil Hornby** Wed Jan 11, 2012 8:03 pm

We at the Club are jolly miffed with that Alex Salmonella chap north of the Border and his schoolgirl assistant Miss Nicola Stirloin. While we are only too pleased to detest all foreigners at the drop of a Tam O'Shanter we are, nevertheless, none too pleased when the likes of these kilted upstarts dare to refuse to do exactly as Mr Cameron demands by staying in the Union so we can have their oil.

Such are the depths of our annoyance that we are taking steps to register our disgust in ways which will shake the Caledononian Cads to their brogues. First we have decided to cease, with immediate effect, any purchase of Whisky for the bar, and once we have consumed the mere six dozen Single Malts in stock that will be that. No more Jura Jockstrap or its like for us!

Second , we are minded to withdraw Club Membership immediately from anyone whose name is remotely Scottish , such as newcomers Mr McClegg and Mr McCable- but with the possible exception of a major sponsor, Jock Solomon McFinklestein, whose claim to such ancestry has, entre nous ,always been subject to some debate .

But our third sanction is the real coup de gras ( though I have never quite understood what a lawnmower has to do with the price of fish). The Club has written immediately to the Killiecrankie Highland Games Organising Committee to inform it that we are declining to send our champion impressively muscle-bound Caber wielding team to compete at their Gathering in 2012. We know this is bound to cause huge disappintment to them since on the last occasion we visited they were heard to say that we were the biggest Tossers they had ever come across.

It can , therefore, only be a matter of time before we have all manner of tartan-clad apologies winging their way South faster than a Glaswegian hearing the words : " It's your round Jimmy..."

by **Phil Hornby** Thu Jan 26, 2012 2:39 pm

The New Year is so often an uninteresting time at the Club, but we are cheered by news of a simply spiffing ruse by the best Home Secretary the Coalition has ever had - Ms Theresa May - whereby, in the spirit of preventing too many foreigners blighting the nation, the government is stopping any other countries' athletes coming into Britain for the Olympics. This will ensure that we win ALL the medals and will allow the PM to take credit for the upsurge in our sporting prowess. Gold Medal for Marathon Brilliance to the Cabinet!!

Meanwhile, Club Membership numbers are on the rise despite the need to increase annual fees. These have been limited , however ,only to the rate of inflation and the cost for 2012 has, therefore ,marginally risen from £50 to £127.50 ( to be reviewed in February).

Members were last week treated to an intruiging talk by Tarquin Triffickly-Bolde , entitled 'Learn to Lie like a Tory'. Tarquin informed us that his CV included service in the Royal Marines and the SAS , after which he climbed Everest one Thursday afternoon, before designing the Olympic Stadium and an extension to the Chipping Sodbury Conservative Club's Snooker Room. He achieved his multi-millionaire status, not simply by charging the likes of our Club a fee of £2000 for his presentation to us, but also by advising many famous multi-national Companies about how to extract maximum profits by the use of slave labour . Such success, he explained, has permitted Mr Triffickly-Bolde to donate in excess of £10m to the Tory Party in the past 12 months - and he promised more of the same in the coming year to assist in the usual bribery of key figures to push forward the Conservative cause. We were all captivated and lost in admiration for his lifelong achievements ( while pondering how so much could have been achieved by the age of 25), and his commitment to the Tory Movement. It was only early this week when we discovered that our speaker was, in fact, one Arthur Fraude - a shabby thief of low cunning. The only saving grace which comforts us all is that ,such was the fellow's capacity for telling gigantic fibs, he must, nonetheless, at least be a Tory of some long-standing.

We are now wiser folk at the Club and will not be similarly caught again. It will be a blessed relief to be able to forget our recent trauma and relax by enjoying this week's offering : ' How to turn your used oven foil into gold bars' ( tickets 25 guineas each - cash only) to be hosted by a new colleague recently-arrived in the area , Harold Hoodwinker.

I must close now, as part of the floor in the Bar has at last been cleared of Burns' Night revellers and associated whisky bottles, and one feels the need for a quick pint of draught Cameron's 'Eurobasher' - an offering producing a particularly large head...

by **Phil Hornby** Wed Feb 22, 2012 6:11 pm

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by **Phil Hornby** Fri Feb 24, 2012 9:39 pm

eA Message from the Chairman's Study to all Club Members/b]

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[b]I feel it is my duty to seek to encourage a little more optimism at a time when our beloved Tory Government has, quite unaccountably, come in for a touch of totally-unwarranted criticism. After all , if a fine chap like Cameron ( my provisional estimation of him is subject to his eargerly-awaited reply to my letter- with cheque - asking for a Knighthood) can't simply abolish or sell the NHS when he feels like it, we really do have to ask what the country is coming to. If those Socialists want to have all their tedious ailments attended to, they should stump up the cash and present themselves at our local St. Margaret's Cottage Hospital for the Dribbling Insane as do the rest of us.

As part of the 'Cheering Ourselves Up' Stakes, may I also take this opportunity to mention our upcoming Eric Pickles-inspired Big Lunch ( 27 courses) which will take place on next Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday ( and Friday if we haven't quite reached dessert by then). This is a time at which to welcome in members of the community whom are normally too timid, too humble and too left-wing to enter our portals. There is no need to let slip at this stage that the invitation to them will be the device by which we shall recruit sufficient serving staff without having to pay anyone to dish up the succulent feast. If there is anything left ( unlikely ,as not only is Mr Pickles attending ,but he is bringing Mr Soames with him) then we shall , of course, be only too pleased to sell the residue to our ' Big Society new friends'.

Finally, may I ask that no further comment is made of my little misunderstanding with Miss Tara Prike-Teezer when the lights fused in the Bar last Sunday evening : I was sure that, in the confusion, she had said that an olive had inadvertently dropped down the front of her dress and I was naturally keen to retrieve it and prevent any further anxiety for her.

Thanks to those of you who have enquired about the progress of my black eye.

Hesketh Largely-Bonkers
Chairman

by **Phil Hornby** Thu Mar 01, 2012 1:52 pm

This lunchtime we welcome back the triumphant Club Team which competed last night at the All-England Tory Lying Competition. In a nail-biting finish our chaps beat the Chipping Sodbury outfit by 25 Gigantic Whoppers to 24 with the tie-breaking offering of " Andrew Lansley is the saviour of the NHS". This jaw-dropping coup de grace, which plumbed the very depths of Fibland's available resources, proved the difference between two closely-matched bunches of Dissemblers. Indeed, it was only a late appeal ( accompanied by a not inconsiderable bribe) to the judges that the 'Sodbury Sneaks' proposed Lie No. 23 ( " Lord Hanningfield gets confused over expenses claims " ) was , technically, merely a distortion ,that clinched the tie in our favour.

Accordingly, we welcomed our heroes back with cries to the captain, A. Lyon-Toade, and his troops of : "The Drinks are on Us!". In the spirit of the prevailing atmosphere, this was , of course, a total lie and the 'Pease Pottage Pretenders' had to buy their own.

Never let it be said that we Tories are not blessed with a stunningly amusing sense of humour, nor that we are not at the very pinnacle of stinginess when in the vicinity of the Bar. But, most of all, it is a comforting prospect to know that when it comes to the sheer unadulterated telling of untruths that we have no peers. Such was the standard of avoiding the truth during the Competition that the Chairman of Judges was heard to comment that our colleagues had reached almost Cabinet-level standards . What praise could be higher...?

Below : Chipping Sodbury accept defeat with time-honoured Tory dignity

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by **Phil Hornby** Sun Mar 04, 2012 6:12 pm

Shocking news today is that, after this morning's 0-27 defeat to Marxist Ramblers in the Pease Pottage Sunday League Division 8 ( Sponsored by Pizzup's Brewery), the Club's soccer team manager Sidney Spitter, has been dismissed. It has been coming for some time, it must be said, since his team has not won since 1975 , nor scored for some eleven seasons ( 44 own goals excepted). Some say that the tactic of playing only right-wingers is , in part, to blame. A goalkeeper might have been a prudent choice at times, but he has been typically stubborn about team selection.

Club captain , Derek Diving-Cheate, expressed the view of the team when saying : " Naturally we are sorry for the 'gaffer', but his appreciation of the catenaccio system , when to make substitutions, and need for packing the midfield 'early doors', was sadly lacking at crucial times - and besides he was a total git who is fit only for the England job...".

The Club will immediately look for a suitable replacement who will meet all the crucial criteria for the vital role , ie cheap, brainless, and totally lacking in integrity. The ability to cheat will be equally vital.

In so many ways our football team's fortunes are much like those of our beloved government : both are defeated easily by superior opponents , but each adopts that truly British quality of stuffing their heads firmly in the sand and denying the blindingly-obvious.

It must be time for a pint of Ref's Bung , an ale which is particularly effective at home and hard to swallow for visitors...

by **Phil Hornby** Tue Mar 13, 2012 5:13 pm

Important Notice

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Pictured above is Mr William Smiley whose recent application for Club Membership has been refused since - as is clear from the picture- he is totally unsuitable on account of his wearing a white hat when attending the Club for interview. As we are all aware, no gentleman would ever contemplate displaying such an accoutrement before the official start of the cricket season. The Committee took 5 hours to dream up this excuse ( edit : give the matter careful and sympathetic consideration - Secretary ) and agree that not even the wearing of a blue cravat could have excused this unforgivable sartorial headwear gaffe .

Should any member come across Mr Smiley trying to gain access to the premises they should tell him to leave immediately or say: " Fetch me a G&T, waiter". We have, however, magnanimously told this chap that we are willing to reconsider him and he is free to submit a further application to join us as early as May 2030.

Justin Onley-Whitehouse
Assistant Secretary

by **Phil Hornby** Thu Mar 22, 2012 7:37 pm

In keeping with Club tradition on a Tory Budget Day we all sit excitedly around the television in the Bar and wave patriotic flags ( eg of the Cayman Islands ) whilst cheering the Chancellor to the rafters. Some members are wearing T-shirts emblazoned with mottos such as ’Good Old George’, ’Tories Make Britain Prosperous Again’ and ‘Sod the Poor – We Want More...’.

Yesterday was no exception, as we pursued our customary policy of blind and adoring faith in our Man in Number 11, and it was not until the whole thing was explained to us by somebody who had actually been listening, that we descended into an unexpected gloom about the whole Osborne Debacle. It appears that the chap is ordering an income tax rate of 45% - this is alarming to Members who ,for years, have paid absolutely no tax whatsoever on account of various devices recommended by their trusted Accountants, or through sheer forgetfulness, brought on by the not insignificant trauma in the shape of the sudden appearance of a Tax Return from Her Majesty’s Government.

To compound our collective misery, we learn that Osborne is now giving over £5000 pa to the nation’s old age pensioners. This is outrageous in these times of hardship. After all it can take many Club Members several hours to earn that sort of cash and, clearly, the fellow must have his figures wrong somewhere when such largesse is so willingly offered to the undeserving elderly masses.

Not that our tribulations ended there : we did become aware on the dreaded day that a packet of cigarettes was to rise in price almost instantly by almost 8 shillings . Such was the rush to beat this crippling attack on a harmless hobby that at least three Members smoked themselves to death that very afternoon in order to beat the 6pm deadline for the additional duty.

Finally , were it not for the fact that almost all Club regulars run their motor vehicles on the very handy Red Diesel so kindly supplied to us by our many friends in the farming community we might, in addition, have been mourning the fact that , by August, a litre ( we think that’s French for gallon, but will have to ask somebody to look it up) of fuel would reportedly cost £27.30 . We do, however, recognise that we must be grateful that it would still represent a considerable reduction – as promised by Mr Cameron and the Daily Mail– from the sky-high prices inflicted upon us all by the dreadful Labour Tax- Obsessive,Brown, when he was at the helm ,when garage forecourts could be seen charging almost 90 pence and hauliers were blocking roads in High Dudgeon ( and probably similar hamlets just outside Brighton).

All in all two things must happen : first, Cameron must sack Osborne forthwith and re-install John Major as Chancellor, since he was, by all accounts, a man who liked to get to grips with good figures. Second, one must display a typically-Tory stiff upper lip and weak chin, and fortify oneself with a pint of Loin-Girder for the difficult times ahead...

by **Phil Hornby** Sat Mar 24, 2012 12:48 pm

Urgent Chairman’s Message to Club Members

It has come to the attention of the Committee that there may have been some confusion over Mr Osborne’s ‘Granny Tax’ which he skilfully tried to gloss over in his Budget Speech. This is not , as we first thought, a levy to be imposed upon those who have grandparents, and I therefore urge those of you who have entered into formal discussions with Euthanasia’R’us plc to withdraw any agreement you have tentatively made with them with a view to avoiding this potential tax liability.

The same applies to situations where Members have forced elderly loved ones to sign those pieces of paper, drafted as panic reigned, by the Club Secretary during the Budget last Wednesday, and which read : “ I, the undersigned, with my arm up my back, do hereby willingly agree to be put down, at a time convenient to my beloved grandchildren, in order that they fully benefit from any tax avoidance implied upon my dying at the earliest opportunity. PS And they can, of course, have all my cash”.

I do hope that this message circulates as quickly as possible, and in recognition of the urgency of the situation , I would ask all Members to check that colleagues are aware of this Notice’s content just as soon as they have finished their lunchtime drinks, card games, and afternoon naps.

It is with considerable regret that I report that all this is too late for my own dear Grandmother whom we smothered with a pillow last Thursday morning – just as the sun rose and we were telling the milkman not to bother with the pint of Gold Top and six eggs - just in case the supposed tax’s introduction was suddenly brought forward by HMRC.

As a gesture to all those Members’ relatives who are mercifully still with us and who may have been temporarily inconvenienced by our little error , we are holding a ‘ Just Be Glad You are Alive’ evening for them – tickets are competitively priced at £50 per head and include a voucher for a free Memorial Inscription ( max 5 words) from the local undertaker , Des Patch ( Business Motto : ‘We shall all your memories keep, with a headstone nice and cheap’ ). It is indeed a blessing to have such supportive and sensitive local tradesmen at times like these.

Roderic Jollyboy
Secretary to the Club Entertainment Committee

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