Pease Pottage Conservative Club

by **Phil Hornby** Thu Oct 13, 2011 10:02 am

First topic message reminder :

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News from our modest little home will appear here, from time to time, in due course.

You have been warned.... Smile

by **Phil Hornby** Thu Sep 05, 2013 9:09 pm

The newly-introduced valet parking scheme for Members is being kept under review by the Chairman following a few minor complaints from those who have availed themselves of the facility offered by our contractors Dent & Scratchet plc .

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by **Phil Hornby** Fri Sep 20, 2013 1:05 pm

We are very grateful to Mr Philip Hollowbrain MP for Kettering ( aka ' The Complete Burka') who visited the Club this morning at the request of our local MP, to demonstrate to interested Members ( both of them ) the reasons why the issue of the wearing of the hijab must be debated by British Society ( although there is , of course, no such thing).

As the snaps below indicate, no sensible and right-thinking person would ever want to risk seeing Hollowbrain's face and as much of it as possible must be covered at all times so as not to frighten the horses.

Before :

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..and in full regalia :

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We apologise to any person of a nervous disposition who may be affected by this spectacle...

Ferdinand Flash- Harry
Club Photographer

by **Phil Hornby** Thu Oct 17, 2013 11:01 am

It was quite a shock, I can tell you, to learn that we have been inflicted with the unwelcome arrival of what seems to be commonly known as a ‘Boot Sale’ just down the road! We had heard that the common man is attracted to such trivialities, of course, but as we at the Club tend to have our footwear made to measure we had always ignored any inclination to investigate further.

Imagine our surprise to discover that the event had nothing to do with shoes and the like but was a money-making opportunity for the undeserving of the parish who, in truth, should have nothing to spare with which to seek to tempt unwary buyers. And anyway, if there were huge piles of cash to be made we most surely should have been making it ourselves from the local unwashed.

Just to tease out the lie of the land, the Chairman asked me to pop down in disguise to said sale with his personal assistant, Ms Tiffany Scrubber, and to report back. Accordingly I donned my most ragged Burberry overcoat and set forth. The first shocking tale to tell is that the whole thing was being held on a field belonging to none other than our fellow- Tory and gentleman farmer colleague Mr E.U. Subbsiddy whom we had imagined would never have sunk so low as to charge only a few thousand pounds a time for the loan of his property to assist the rabble.

Matters became worse when one found on some stalls such items as Margaret Thatcher’s Memoirs being sold at rock-bottom prices accompanied by a notice saying “Get your cut-price lavatory paper here”, while those of our former great leader Mr Major were advertised as: “Perfect for fire-lighters”. Shocking and disgusting slurs on two of the greatest Tories ever to have made a hopeless hash of everything. So sickened was Ms Scrubber that she only bought a dozen of each for £2.50 and brushed aside the offer to take the lot for a fiver.

After such a morning’s trauma , I was persuaded to return to the Club since Tiffany appeared to insist that she needed a drink to calm her nerves or, as she put it: “ What’ll put me right is a stiff one with the Chairman”. Upon our retiring to the Bar we learned that, from now on, Mr Osborne wants us to be chums with China and therefore for the foreseeable future the kitchen will only be serving Crispy Prawn Balls and Hong Kong Noodles at lunchtime and the small car park provided for our LibDem friends will immediately be turned into a paddy-field for growing rice. Since it was often liable to flooding this must count as a mark of our Green credentials – as if proof were needed.

Frankly, it’s all been too much for me and once I have seen the Chairman with my observations I shall have to take a well-earned nap in a darkened room – maybe the Nadine Dorries Alcove , where things are usually pretty dim . At present, however, his Study door appears locked and he is, doubtless, de-briefing Ms Scrubber…

by **Phil Hornby** Sun Nov 10, 2013 3:56 pm

Today's Soccer Action from Pizzup's Brewery Sunday League Division 13...

Latest pictures from the Pease Pottage Conservative Club v Workers of the World United match , tensely poised with the visitors 1-0 ahead as our usual referee Cyril Cheate checks his watch in the 256th minute, still anticipating a possible 'injury time' equaliser for our chaps...

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" Come on fellows - if you don't score soon, I'll have no option but to return the cheque..."

by **Phil Hornby** Mon Nov 11, 2013 9:39 pm

Administrative Notice

Literally thousands* of readers have asked me what the small avatar beside the title of this thread actually is. I show a larger version below :

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Yes - it's none other than a mini-Maggie ! Bet you wish I hadn't told you this.

(* Maybe it was more like hundreds , Well, dozens anyway. Ok it was several. Perhaps fewer. Fine - if you must know, the cat showed a passing interest...)

by **Phil Hornby** Mon Nov 25, 2013 9:25 pm

Latest Photographs from the Club...

Hugh Jarse enjoys his afternoon scone baked by our new Pastry Chef ...

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...while Simon Simpley-Shyte expresses sympathy at the news that several local jobseekers have had their benefits stopped for refusing to tend the Club's gardens for 25 pence an hour...

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...and Club Counsellor, Damian Daite-Raype, thoughtfully asks Tiffany Scrubber if there is anything she would like to get off her chest...

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by **Phil Hornby** Fri Dec 06, 2013 1:36 pm

We were severely affected by the storms yesterday when a most dangerous situation occurred. However, being the brave and stout-hearted Tories we are, we manfully stood against the impending peril and, thankfully, the brewery delivery lorry eventually made it through the large puddle which had developed in the Club’s approaches.

Accordingly, we were able to enjoy a pint of Alexander’s ‘Ginger Arselicker’ – an apparently smooth, but sickly, offering - as we sat in the TV Lounge and watched the splendid performance of Mr Osborne as he took his latest steps in saving the nation by ensuring that few aside of those with oodles of cash actually get any better off. True, some of even George’s staunchest supporters around the TV felt that the saving on energy costs of 7 pence a week was a tad too generous for the general public, and that the extra state pension of almost £3 a year was likely to lead to the necessity to raise the age at which it can be claimed to about 105.

Some of us did suffer the torment of watching that dreadful Ted Balls fellow having the barefaced cheek to disagree with Osborne’s brilliant plan and despite the sterling efforts of our very own Toby Walletstuffer and arch-heckler Rupert Brayloud MP to shout the chap down, the Labour upstart still managed to have his say. Such opposition will clearly need silencing and, even as I lay drunk on this carpet, the Club Chairman is calling Mr Cameron to recommend legislation to ban any dissent in the Commons, thereby ensuring that there is no impediment to having all our own way when it comes to democratic debate on important issues.

Meanwhile we note the outcomes of the Club Members’ Annual Superchef Competetition have been published by the Chairman of Judges, Gerald Gasmark-Fyffe:

Dish 1 : Gove Grill – judges' verdict – a thoroughly mean little platter with no real substance, but likely to cause on-going indigestion.

Dish 2 : Clegg Collation – verdict – did not live up in any way to what the recipe originally showed.

Dish 3 : Thatcher Rissoles – verdict -needed to be turned much earlier and now badly burned.

Dish 4 : Pickles Stew – verdict- far too greasy and oozing fat everywhere and could not be stomached at any cost.

Dish 5 : Damian Green Salad –verdict - limp, colourless and of no interest to anyone.

Dish 6 : Cameron Crispy Noodles – verdict – professing to be a delicacy for the Chinese palate, but liable to be found wanting when the crinkle –cut chips are down.

All at the Club send our best wishes to the competition’s volunteer tasters for an early discharge from hospital…

by **Phil Hornby** Mon Dec 09, 2013 9:41 pm

Pease Pottage Conservatives' Football Club - Important Message

We, the undersigned , wish to address the damaging rumours which have emerged over the weekend , following our team's Pease Pottage Sunday League ( sponsored by Pizzup's Brewery) Division 13 clash with UKIP Disunited - a game which we lost by the impressively narrow margin of 0-7.

We should like to make it clear that there was absolutely no inducements given to our opponents to let us off so lightly and any suggestion to the contrary is a distortion worthy only of those chaps at Central Office FC .

We can make this statement of our innocence with absolute conviction, since we personally suffered the humiliation of having our attempts to bribe the victors turned down last Thursday at the back of the Town Hall when all offers of a list of suspected local illegal immigrants were rudely refused by Jed Hacker ( see picture below), UKIP's captain ( or hauptmann , as he prefers to be called).

We all deplore this blatant example of the ever- more apparent diminution of sportsmanship, whereby it is seemingly impossible these days to pre-arrange the outcome of a contest by the simple expedient of an exchange of cash or some other tempting benefit. What is the world coming to etc., etc...?

Sidney Spitter ( Manager)
Derek Diving-Cheate ( Captain)
Osbert Offrabung ( Treasurer)

Jed Hacker and two of his team-mates decline our generous offer...
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by **Phil Hornby** Fri Dec 13, 2013 1:43 pm

Our much- admired local MP, Toby Walletstuffer, is in the Club this lunchtime – it being Friday and him, therefore, having no pressing duties at Westminster. Come to think of it, much the same situation pertains on most days of the week.

Walletstuffer ( ‘Wally’ to his friends of whom there are fewer than not many) is at the forefront of protest at the disgraceful pay rise offered to MPs. He is standing out valiantly against the shocking and indefensible 11% . True , as always, to his principles ( of which he, coincidentally, also has fewer than not many) Wally is standing out for a hike of no less than 25% on the basis of the stress of the job - which can see him enduring all-day sittings in the house for as long as 30 minutes on those occasions when he simply must attend the chamber in order to collect his whopping expenses cheque.

To ensure that he remains firmly in the sights of the top echelon of the Party, Toby regularly comes up with stunning new policy ideas - usually provided by his 14-year old niece whom he employs as a ‘research assistant’ on £1.50 ph and as many jelly-babies as she can eat ( £25000 pa for the purposes of the House of Commons Claims Department). This week’s carefully-crafted ruse is the recommendation to the PM that – in the style of that odd chubby North Korean fellow – the Government should immediately execute Miliband and Balls for treasonable activity – ie proposing to stand in the next general Election and for asking awkward questions of Mr Cameron at those few Wednesday shouting contests, when our valiant leader dares to turn up.

As for myself, I intend to seek solace in the shape of a dram of Salmond’s Distillery’s ‘Sporran Witherer’ – a single malt designed to put a punch in your pibroch and a whistle up one’s kilt…

by **Phil Hornby** Thu Dec 19, 2013 4:17 pm

The Club's Carol Singers give their own rendition of 'Silent Night'

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"Peddling lies: wholly lies,
Tories are perfect in our eyes.
Welfare spending is cut to the bone,
Plenty of people haven’t a home.
Mission accomplished this year, chaps,
Worse to come next year, perhaps…! "

Demonstrating that we at the Club understand that this is the time of year to think of those who are worse off than ourselves - generally to cheer ourselves up and have a good laugh at their expense...

by **Phil Hornby** Sat Dec 21, 2013 3:37 pm

The Chairman's Christmas Message to Members

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Fellow Membersh - as I...hic... raishe my fifth glass of Chateau Murdoch - a notable vintage of that well-known crinkly and rather shour grape - I reflect on jusht what a phemom...phinon....er...rather good year thish exshellent Tory Government have given ush. Firshtly, Mishter Osborne hash solved the entire finanshial mesh left by that Brown chap....not that I am racshist you underschtand..oh no....but there wash a hell of a hole in the finanshes you musht agree.

Shecondly...hic...as my faithful Pershonal Assishtant Mish.. ....errr...hang on it'll come to me sssshortly...Tiffany Shcrubber, that's it....has shaid , Camelot... er, Cameltrain...er...Cameron has promished we are going to....burp...ok, just one more teeny glass then...err...leave the European Cup ...or shomething like that.

Th..th..thirdly...where wash I? Ahhyessss...haha...cheers - just a drop more, then...we are told by everybody that, come the 2015 General Election....gosh that's only at quarter pasht eight - better get canvasshing - we are shure to ..er...lose shubstantially.

Ok...I think that's it and have a good Eashter and a happy New...err... Moon, once this room has...whoops, nearly went there... schtopped shpinning round.....

( as dictated by Hesketh Largely- Bonkers before he vomited copiously all over Miss Petronella Cumly-Wench and proceeded to fall over)

by **Phil Hornby** Tue Dec 24, 2013 5:07 pm

The Chairman's Grandson Speaks...

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" Fresh from my outstanding success in the Pease Pottage Children's Christmas play ' Rudolph the Blue-Nosed Reindeer' (in which I naturally had the starring role) I have been asked to say a few words of apology for Grandpapa after he inadvertently became intoxicated just prior to delivering his important Seasonal Address to Members. I feel sure that it could not have been his fault and that somebody from that wretched Labour Club across the town spiked his chosen tipple in the sort of malicious way that those fellows so often do. Accordingly I want you all to know that he is very sorry and to reassure you that I am not reading this off a piece of paper which the Secretary gave me as he told me that Santa wouldn't come unless I did exactly as he said. Is that it and I want my mummy..."

Crispian Chumley-Pipsqueak ( aged 4 , going on 37...)
Chairman of the Pease Pottage Infant Tory Upstarts

by **Phil Hornby** Thu Dec 26, 2013 10:24 am

As Boxing Day dawns, the Pease Pottage Hunt - led by Major Clarence 'Porky' Bloodlust - starts out in search of illegal immigrants, Benefit Claimants...
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...but, most of all, those who chalked 'All Tories are Bastards' on the Club's wall during the Seasonal Celebrations...

by **Phil Hornby** Thu Jan 02, 2014 10:38 am

It has to be said that few of us would ever contemplate a trip to Wales - mostly for fear of bumping into that leek-chewing savage Max Boyce or unexpectedly coming upon an ex- Colliery Male Voice Choir whom some foolish person has mistakenly told that they create an attractive sound.

However, for some reason yet to be uncovered, the Chairman, Hesketh Largely-Bonkers, recently authorised the hire of an omnibus to travel West to a place called Bridgend ( or a 'Bridgend too far' if some of the participants of the trip are to be believed). Hesky put the Chairman of the Club's Cultural Activities Committee - Reggie Trowsers-Downe - in charge of the visit. Strangely, not one of the dozen or so intrepid travellers would divulge anything about their foray into the Land of the Sheepshaggers , so all remains a mystery which may never be unravelled - short of offering huge sums to anyone who went, or threatening to reveal just who did what to whom during those late-night 'scrum-downs' in the dorm at Pease Pottage Private College for Boys of a Curious Disposition back in the 1960s.

Anyway the most amazing coincidence occurred a day or so after the arrival home of our adventurous Members : the Club received the following postcard from a fellow- Conservative Club in the very town to which our chums had gone :
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" Herewith a memento of the recent 'away game' in which you partipated. Looking forward to a return fixture, boyos, and hope the doc can fix you up with the right ointment. Woolly sends her love - and no butts..."

Clearly there has been some mistake and nobody can make head nor tail of the cryptic message. Additionally, it came as a complete surprise, in any event, that there were any Tories in Wales. We had thought that the last of the breed had died out before the War , but obviously some missionary work has been taking place in more recent times.

We are further heartened by the news of an OBE in the New Year's Honours List for Penelope Fotheringay-Pringle for Services to Cruelty in the Community - a richly-deserved award for her tireless work in berating those who send unwanted clothes for Third-World countries. Although, come to think of it , might there be some tenuous link here with the aforementioned missive from Wales...

by **Phil Hornby** Sat Jan 04, 2014 4:41 pm

Latest from the Pizzup's Brewery Cup ( Your Round ) ...
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( Unbearable tension as the Captains toss with our double-headed coin, in front of a large crowd tempted by the promise of free beer which mysteriously failed to be delivered due to the recent holiday period and a slight drizzle.)

A 'Clash of the Titans' this afternoon as our Club's boys take on big rivals UKIPOCRITES FC. While we might normally have expected a close and nail-biting encounter , our opponents appear to have been especially busy during the 'January Transfer Window' as they are fielding several players who have not appeared in their colours previously.

Latest Score :

Pease Pottage FC 2 ( Fauntleroy; Dosie-Twitt)

UKIPOCRITES FC 4 (N.Griffin-Bannkrupt; Kolev; Glodowski; Osomuch-Ballonee )

Referee : Nonnen, T.T.

As the match enters its final minutes, several Committee Members are trying to avoid defeat by seeking to arrange a floodlight failure or the assassination of the match officials.

Norman Notterclew
Sports Correspondent

Stop Press : Final Score - Pease Pottage 2 UKIPOCRITES 27 with 23 quick goals being scored in the latter stages by a huge influx of substitutes who arrived from an easterly direction...

by **Phil Hornby** Tue Jan 07, 2014 10:37 am

Latest from the Pease Pottage 'Art in the Community' Project

A Member's son offers a contribution, assisted by a purchase made with the Homebase voucher he won in the Club's Christmas Raffle...

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We naturally hope that all his friends follow him as prospective Conservative voters in the years to come...

by **Phil Hornby** Mon Jan 20, 2014 7:39 pm

An Apology from the Club Chairman
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Under some considerable duress - in the form of having my private parts threatened with an especially large pair of pliers - I am making this totally sincere apology to my Personal Assistant, Ms Tiffany Scrubber, and her colleague Annabel Legover.

It appears that Ms Scrubber thought she heard me say to her after last week's Club New Members' Committee meeting : " How do you fancy a bit of slap and tickle once all these bores have gone home...?", when , in fact, I simply asked her, in passing, what she thought of Russia's stance on gay rights.

Similarly, Ms Legover must have misunderstood my intentions when , upon assisting her to put on her coat , I inadvertently seem to have removed an item of her undergarments.

Naturally, I am sorry for any offence caused and undertake not to cause any similar concerns until such time as my wife has forgotten the incidents and I think it is safe for me to chance my arm once more.

Now put those pliers away, and let's all have a drink and forget the whole ghastly business. This round's on me, so 'Bottoms up!'*

( *secretary : please check with our lawyers that I am allowed to say this in the prevailing circs.)

Hesketh Largely-Bonkers

Chairman and Club Pervert-in Chief

by **Phil Hornby** Thu Feb 06, 2014 4:36 pm

From the Office of the Prime Minister to the Chairman, Pease Pottage Conservative Club

Dear Sir Hesketh ( ooops, sorry -ignore the first bit- forgot that the cheque for your requested Knighthood hasn't actually cleared yet...),

It has come to my attention that your local Tory MP - Toby Walletstuffer - had heard rumours that he is to be de-selected by your Committee for the next Election, on account of the fact that he has only attended Parliament on three occasions in the past year.

Tobe has been in my office crying his eyes out and I do have to tell you that I have quite enough on my plate just now of the wet variety and could do with you putting an end to his waterworks.

I have some considerable sympathy for the poor fellow since I myself would like to keep Westminster attendances down to a minimum, since every time I go there are lots of chaps asking me horrible questions which I simply can't answer. Besides, I was at Eton with Walletstuffer's cousin and - he having some rather 'awkward' photographs of me and others in what was a purely innocent scrum practice in the dorm - I am being put under quite a bit of familial pressure - as, indeed I also appear to be in the aforementioned scrum.

So, let's be having no more of these whispers and let's get back to good old Toby having the prospect of another 5 years in the Chamber, where he promises to speak up for all that is good about Pease Pottage and anything else we can make up for him.

Yours ever,

D. Cameron

Prime Minister and Scrum Loose-Head

( and don't let me find this letter on eBay like the last one I sent you when I refused to buy any of your Xmas Raffle tickets...)

by **Phil Hornby** Thu Feb 13, 2014 4:34 pm

Spare a thought for Members of the Club today , if you will, as many of us come to terms with the devastating effects of the current dreadful burdens occasioned by the inclement weather conditions.

I don't want to over-egg the problems , but I do have to tell you that some colleagues have had to suffer unimaginable privations, amongst which are tragedies of the nature of distinctly moist lawn-tennis courts and several puddles on the croquet lawn. Add to this the fact that many Members' handymen have been forced to remove twigs blown into unprotected outdoor Olympic-sized swimming pools and you can gain some appreciation of the sheer size of the traumas.

The only saving grace has been the eager reassurances of the splendid Mr Cameron, who has visited us personally to comfort us in his quiet and understated way - accompanied only by six taxpayer-funded Public Relations Advisers, a dozen assorted photographers from chosen Press outlets, two personal hairdressers and a valet to keep his wellingtons buffed up.

He raised spirits by promising that money to have all our paddocks restored to pristine condition would unhesitatingly be made available by the usual expedient of savage cuts to Welfare Benefits to those who are starving, and other similar underserving groups who decline to volunteer to act as sandbags where required in Tory constituencies.

I'd love to stay around longer to feel the warmth of more of your sympathy for our plight, but I hear that the bar is open and I must thereafter assist a friend whose two-storey Summer House has suffered some dreadful condensation...

by **Phil Hornby** Thu Feb 13, 2014 5:00 pm

Latest from the Club Shop

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Don't delay! - this is your chance to purchase the latest 'David Cameron' autograph Sou'Wester & Oilskins kit, complete with trendy 'Thatcher'-brand 'BanWet' wellies.

Perfect for the fashion-conscious photo-opportunist when visiting places where the Press may see you, or where a show of compassion proves useful to prospects of re-election.

Order now to avoid disappointment .

Colours : Yellow; 'Daffodil Shades' ; or 'LibDem Lustre' ( all actually yellow) .

Sizes : L; XL, 1-8XXL; Does My Ego Look Big in This? ; Eric Pickles* ( *supplement payable for half acre of material)

Price : £199.99 ( add 50% if you want a receipt or have a working knowledge of VAT provisions).

( Made in China . Not waterproof)

Noah Fludde
Shop Chief Executive and Shelf-Stacker

by **Phil Hornby** Fri Feb 14, 2014 3:10 pm

Valentine's Day Message from the Club Chairman

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I should like to take this opportunity to offer Valentine's Day greetings to all the fair members of the female gender who grace the Club with their femininity and fragrance. Especial good wishes from members' wives go to Miss Gertrude Ghoul ( pictured below in one of her rare daylight outings) for her unstinting work as the Club's Beauty Therapist and whose commendably self-sacrificing commitment to her task provides her, I am told, with all-too-little time to attend to her own regime.

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My apologies to Miss Ghoul for only having access to this snap of her taken at the Hallowe'en Ball in 1956, but she's hardly changed a bit.

Hesketh Largely-Bonkers
Chairman

by **Phil Hornby** Tue Feb 25, 2014 7:32 pm

What a rewarding afternoon we have enjoyed at the Club today! Just as we were becoming bored over our lunchtime drinks with the usual lust for gruesome tales of benefit cheats and oppressive European Directives, the Secretary brought to Members’ attention a simply spiffing opportunity to make up a few scenarios to assist the Daily Mail to maintain its circulation.

Naturally we were only too pleased to set to and start scribbling. During the course of the ensuing hours we produced a whole raft of rip-roaring whoppers with which to fill the pages of the aforementioned august organ.

First out of the blocks was an item which asserted that it is a well-known fact that Gordon Brown has had an unnatural relationship with Alex Salmond which started when they discovered a mutual interest in naked curling on Scotland’s frozen lakes.

A close runner-up was an offering suggesting that Ed Miliband once sought to infiltrate a girl guide troop for immoral purposes and , upon discovery, sought to hush up the matter by offering to fund their entire summer camp from stolen Labour Party funds and to cook for the entire week.

The final revelation chosen for onward transmission to the Mail was an expose of Ed Balls and Yvette Cooper who, we suggested, are notorious for sitting at home behind closed curtains plotting to reinstate Tony Blair to power by means of a putsch (sponsored by the Daily Mirror and Cherie Booth) , during which Mr Cameron would be forced to go on TV to admit to crimes against humanity. While this scenario was generally agreed to be an attractive potential front page ‘scoop’ , it does have to said that some disquiet emerged that some aspects were a little too close for comfort in regard to our much-admired leader.

We so enjoyed our little bit of creative journalism that we have offered to provide a conveyor-belt of fanciful tales if it assists our favourites to cling onto power but – perhaps rather hurtfully – we later received a missive from the paper’s editor which suggested that the results of our labours were even too far-fetched for foaming-mouthed Mail readers to believe.

Honestly, you just can’t please some folk…

by **Phil Hornby** Thu Feb 27, 2014 4:17 pm

Letter to the Editor - Daily Mail ( Porn Dept) :

from Pease Pottage Conservative Club , Lewd Lane, Pease Pottage, Sussedsex.

Sir

I am delighted to enclose a saucy snap of my grand-daughter ( whom for the current purposes we shall call 'Lolita') so that you may adorn your pages with the latest in the sort of material which we know attracts the type of Tory-voting person who so admires your stance on protecting young girls from exploitation by the sort of pervert who edits a leading newspaper.

Here she is :

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May we respectfully suggest that this delightful study is sympathetically presented by means of a caption such as " Phwooaaar - so hot : that ice is bound to melt!".

I enclose a stamped addressed envelope for the sizeable cheque which you will doubtless wish to send. Please note that I retain copyright on the image so that I may also peddle the photo to any other of the British Press who may have a similar dirty mackintosh-wearing readership.

In the meantime , good luck with your continuing pursuit of that dreadful Harman woman - her sort need locking up, as indeed I do myself.

Yours ever,

A. Dulle-Scribbler
Club Secretary and Keyhole Voyeur

by **Phil Hornby** Tue Mar 04, 2014 1:40 pm

Urgent Message from the Club Chairman

Members should note that I have instructed the Bar Staff that on no account should they serve vodka until further notice and that the Dining Room has been ordered to take caviar off the menu.

This bold step has been taken in the light of all that kerfuffle in Uganda - or wherever that Putrid chap is throwing his weight about.

As you know, I was none too pleased when he started taking his shirt off and riding charging horses in a deliberate attempt to make Mr Cameron look like a six stone weakling by comparison. We all know that the PM is , in reality, a chubby and fit 14 stone in his Dolce & Goveana designer label boxer shorts , and undertakes all sorts of splendid running feats, but only if accompanied by a dozen assorted cameramen and a make-up women to add drops of fake perspiration to his brow.

Given that Mr Hague is now on the job, the whole ghastly business will be sorted in no time and I am confident that the current enforced self-denial of the above-mentioned items should be ended by about 2030 . Please direct any queries on this matter to my Club's Temporary Assistant Manager, Boney M. Rasputin.

Hesketh Largely-Bonkers
Chairman and Head of Pease Pottage Supreme Soviet

by **Phil Hornby** Tue Apr 01, 2014 4:06 pm

Club Notices

For Sale or to Let : 'Cameron Cottage' - a charming residence hidden deep in the quaint hamlet of Dungovnin, on the outskirts of Pease Pottage . This excellent 1960s-built dwelling is much sought-after, but generally difficult to obtain.

Features include :

*Plot descends into the gutter
*Not much upstairs
* Several blemishes in the Façade
*Shared drive with neighbours, the Cleggs, until they move out
*Plenty of room for back-door deals
*All cracks papered over
*Fuelled by hot air
*Built-in Cabinet ( needs considerable renovation)
*Only one bedroom to avoid spare room subsidy issues
*Bathroom facilities : What a shower! - and much more (2 loos)
* Always for sale to the highest bidder
* Available, if required, on a short let to May 2015
*Permission for an extension unlikely

All enquiries to Rachman and Co., Estate Agents, Blaxout Drive, Pease Pottage.

by **Phil Hornby** Tue May 27, 2014 3:52 pm

Something somewhat odd is occurring at the Club since the weekend. Apparently the Chairman has asked the local decorator to paint our front door a tasteful shade of purple and an artist seems to be creating a new Club sign which announces to the passing public that we are henceforth to be known as the Pease Pottage United Kingdom Independence and Conservative Club.

We feel certain that all of this has absolutely nothing to do with the small success last week of that Farrago chap whose band of brothers reduced our local council seats from 27 to 3 and whose candidate for UCRAP- or whatever it’s called - narrowly squeaked the local Euro seat by a mere 650, 127 votes more than our noble candidate Clarence U. Romillions.

What is especially rum is that any number of Club Members are seen whispering in dark corners here, with satisfied smirks on their faces and even the Chairman – Hesketh Largely-Bonkers – was uncharacteristically heard to say that we must look to forge new alliances to ensure that we don’t have to allow any passing busloads of Romanians, or - as Heskey puts it –‘unsuitably tanned folk’ ,to enter our hallowed halls at will.

Another sudden feature of the present spell of strange goings-on is the removal of all evidence that our LibDem colleagues have, hitherto, been temporarily welcome at the Club. The previous notices proclaiming that we value the sharing of facilities with Coalition comrades have almost instantly been replaced with exhortations to ’Banish the One –Seat Wonders’. This politics business is most assuredly a queer how-d'ya-do and no mistake. Having said that , the constant reminders to our post-2010 ‘chums’ that the marriage of convenience might not last beyond the short honeymoon, may have been a sure indicator that we had little intention of any serious consummation.

Our sitting MP – Toby Walletstuffer –has had a nervous demeanour of late, too. He has been heard mumbling something about ‘pacts’ and ‘deals’ and seems frequently to be enquiring about ‘kippers’ or somesuch , although he may have been misheard and been – as is his wont – asking if the large pantechnicon has yet arrived with his Westminster expenses this month .

It’s all too confusing for a simple chap like me so it’s off to the Bar where a pint of Clegg’s Resignation Ale awaits…

by **Phil Hornby** Sat Jun 14, 2014 9:16 pm

Weekend at the Club...

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Temporarily starved - by some ridiculous piece of legislation - of opportunities for the simple pleasure of killing any animals which get in its way as cruelly as possible , the Pease Pottage Hunt sets out on its chosen alternative of a 'seek and destroy' mission of Foodbanks situated within an afternoon's ride of the nearest bar.

Colonel Rafe Throatripper( retd) bravely leads the way - until such time as any protesters appear, at which point he naturally leaves his Batman to do the necessary and hides safely, in the long tradition of an ex-Eton Guards Officer and true Tory.

The Colonel's favourite hound, Kitchener, is prominent at the front of the pack , but does little, in keeping with the example of its master,while Rafe's wife, Ermintrude, rides behind, with her horse sagging under the enormous weight, prior to its inevitable subsequent appointment at the meat processing factory early next week...

by **Phil Hornby** Fri Jun 20, 2014 7:37 pm

Disastrous Result for PPCC Footballers
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(BlogSpot)

Great sadness and gnashing of wallets attends the news this afternoon that our Club's once-proud football team ( pictured above) have been eliminated from the Pease Pottage Summer International Soccer Tournament by a visiting team from a village in Upper Volta . The narrow 15-0 defeat was all the more difficult to swallow as the opponents were able to field only 7 players, all of whom had only learned the rules of the game last week.

The shattering blow comes hard on the heels of an earlier loss ( 9-0) at the hands of a crack XI ( actually nine) from Tristan da Cunha - and a tough bunch of girls they were too!

We still have the opportunity for more humiliation in our final fixture when we challenge the might of closer neighbours Sangatte Rovers just across the Channel - and we have high hopes, since their team consistently appears to travel willingly to games abroad, but dissipates quickly upon arrival at their opponents ground -all very odd , but a golden chance for long-awaited victory nonetheless, before our boys graciously accept eviction from the tournament and head off for a modest and totally-undeserved Summer break in Monte Carlo.

Jeremy Gameboy
Club Sports Correspondent

by **Phil Hornby** Sat Jun 21, 2014 9:42 pm

Late Score :

Pease Pottage Conservative Club 0 Sangatte Rovers 2

( Match abandoned after 7 minutes due to the simultaneous arrival of a large jug of Pimms and several dozen Customs Officers)

by **Phil Hornby** Sun Jun 22, 2014 9:01 pm

Pease Pottage Conservative Club - Now Licensed for Weddings

Being disposed to make opportunities to pocket as much cash as can humanly be extracted from any source, we were delighted today to assist in the celebration of the marriage of long-standing Club Member, Lancelot Legover, to his delightful Thai Bride, Far Tu Yung...

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We naturally wish the couple many hours of happiness as they start their life together and trust that Ms Yung will enjoy a slightly longer relationship than the Groom's last effort which was sustained for only two-and-a-half days ( including the ceremony, reception, and his subsequent arrest while Police checked the visa of his betrothed). Still, these things happen and , if all goes less well than intended, we shall be pleased to offer good old Lance a special 'two for one' deal for any further nuptials.

Dai Vorse
Club Wedding Organiser & Bridesmaid Groper

by **Phil Hornby** Wed Jun 25, 2014 11:10 am

" I am innocent" Pease Pottage Soccer Player tells Press

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Pease Pottage football star Jason 'Gnasher' O'Nasty denied claims today that he had sought to take a chunk out of the leg of an opponent during a tackle in the recent exciting soccer tournament, held at the Pease Pottage NHS Drop-In Centre Sports Field.

" He made a complete meal out of it - as did I ", pleaded Gnasher, who is better known as an author of the best-selling pamphlet ' Cannibalism for Beginners'.

Commentators expect that the player will receive a severe warning from the local Football Association and placed on a restricted diet for four matches.

Norman Notterclew
Club Sports Correspondent & Dental Technician

by **Phil Hornby** Fri Jul 04, 2014 3:33 pm

Important Notice for Members

Please note that the Rolf Harris Children's Lounge will be closed for approximately the next six years on account of the repair work to be undertaken after damage done when Mr Harris visited on several occasions, but was seemingly unable, or unwilling, to tie his kangaroo down.

We are now in discussions with our Lib Dem colleagues and new sponsors with a view , in due course, to reopening the facility as the Cyril Smith Memorial Morning Room. We shall be issuing invitations to Members and their guests at the appropriate time ( no children over 12 ).

Pete O'Fyall

Chairman of the Club's Youth Entertainment Committee

by **Phil Hornby** Tue Jul 15, 2014 1:42 pm

There are clearly discernible ripples today at the Club as Hesketh Largely-Bonkers, our respected Chairman, has been taking his axe to a number of Chairmen of our respective Club Committees in a ruthless Summer re-shuffle.

It was always on the cards that anyone who had demonstrated anything less than total support for the more extreme and cruel ideas of the national party would face the music, since ‘Hesky’ has a perpetual eye on his much hoped–for knighthood and does not want to be seen to be tolerant of anyone who would not willingly sacrifice their firstborn for the Tory cause.

Accordingly, out goes Osbert Neerly-Mann who is demoted from his high-flying position as Chair of the New Roof Appeal Committee to a supporting role in charge of wheely bin collections.

Another casualty of the putsch has been Clive Limpley-Gaye who loses his Chairmanship of Curtains & Soft Furnishings in favour of the token woman whom the Chairman felt obliged to include – in this case Ermintrude Drape.

Foremost of the ‘big moves’ has been Casper Wonga-Loane’s promotion to the Finance Committee’s Chair and his place on the Wisteria Trimming Sub-Group is taken by Jeremy Secateur. Not far behind in the order of importance is the surprise promotion of a LibDem colleague to the top job on the Scapegoating Group and the lucky recipient - Tony Gullible - has expressed his delight at the opportunity offered to him for his total humiliation.

Never let it be said that Hesketh is not bold and decisive when it comes to placing others in positions which enable him to avoid any possible blame when the ordure makes contact with the propeller.

I have to make a small confession here : I was hoping for a modicum of recognition in the current ebb and flow, but have been overlooked once again and have it on good authority that my drinking is at the root of the problem. Indeed, I have been tipped-off by friends that I really must increase my consumption quite considerably if I am to catch the eye of those Club kingmakers.

Accordingly, I must now make my way to the Bar and commence an afternoon’s slumber in the arms of several gallons of Gove’s Brewery’s ‘ Whip Crack Away’…

by **Phil Hornby** Fri Jul 18, 2014 6:43 pm

We interrupt this thread to bring you news of what is happening at the Labour Club..............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

So there we have it. Do sign in again for the latest updates on Ed's progress towards Downing Street....

by **Phil Hornby** Mon Aug 04, 2014 2:31 pm

Opinion is divided at the Club over this Empire games thing which seems to have been taking place in Scotland. Some Members are all for getting a host of natives over from Her Majesty’s Colonies to let them see what Civilisation is like ( or as close as one can get to it in Caledonia ), while others are somewhat miffed that our shores have been invaded in this way, by fellows who should only have been called upon to serve the drinks and canapes.

The view has been expressed that it has been the height of bad manners for some of these dusky chaps to not only be taking part in the frolics but actually winning medals which would have been far better hanging round the necks of – shall we say – fairer skinned citizens. As it is we have had to keep up our spirits by holding all manner of compensatory activities.

For example, a number of our Club luminaries have sought fun by going out onto the streets frightening passing children by pretending to be Welsh , while others have organised a Quiz Night which focused on anything but the aforementioned sporting jamboree. Not all went well, however, as our Chairman, Hesketh Largely-Bonkers, managed to offend a group of all-too-sensitive lady Members by his response to Question 27 : “ Where is women’s hair curliest?”. Unfortunately for Hesky the answer should have been ‘Tonga’ , but anyone can make a mistake, as he was at pains to remind us as he was rescued from any number of foaming- mouthed and wild-eyed females. He hopes to return from his hastily arranged trip to deepest Europe by next February when the smelling salts have had the desired effect on Miss Tabitha Primm and similarly easily – offended others.

It reminded one so of the recent small misunderstanding between Tarquin Twatt and the young portly waitress at a local Bistro, where our chum had experienced delayed attention when the young lady approached his table with the apology : “ Good afternoon – sorry about the wait” Maybe it was unwise of Tarky to say : “Don’t worry, Miss – keep away from McDonalds and it will soon fall off you”. We are told that the operation to remove the fork from his neck regions went quite well.

And speaking of matters ‘north of the border’, it seems that next month that Salmonella fellow is going to lead his countrymen into oblivion by leaving the paradise which is Britain under a Tory Government. What a mistake they are making - mark my words! It cannot be long before Mr Cameron and Mr Osborne have transformed this nation into a land fit for ordinary people all to work for a reduced minimum wage and to enjoy the benefits of a fully-privatised health service which they can’t afford. Just think of the reduction in those queues in the surgery! Yes, indeed those Scots will be sorry when they don’t have the luxury of benefit cuts, the bedroom tax and a few nuclear weapons on their territory. I could go on – and, according to friends - usually do.

Ah, cheers, old boy. Now...where was I ? Actually this G&T smell strangely like chlorof.........

by **Phil Hornby** Thu Aug 28, 2014 2:19 pm

Frankly, we could put it off no longer. For quite a while several of our number have had it in mind to travel north to the land of the Bagpipe Throttler and let Jock know just what we think of his notion that he should enjoy determining his own future.

Accordingly we set sail– led by our Chairman, Hesketh Largely-Bonkers- with a totally united front, save only for the small matter of a disagreement between our good selves as to whether Scottish independence was a good thing or not. For some, the idea of a bunch of colonials having the cheek to propose detachment from London is a step too impertinent to countenance while, for others, the prospect of ridding the nation of a bunch of haggis –wielding Labour MPs is to be encouraged.

Upon arrival by rail – thanks to the privatised company whose train carried us ,we were a mere 5 hours and 20 minutes late - we summoned a taxi to take our small party to the Scottish Parliament at the foot of the Royal Mile ( shortly to be called ‘Salmond’s Leap’, according to our cab driver – a chap called Tam O’ Shanter - or some such name which we didn’t quite grasp on account of his strangely thick accent , the like of which is rarely heard back in civilisation).

Once at the Caledonian equivalent of the Mother of Parliaments – which appears to have been attacked by natives who forgot to take home with them their bamboo spears which still reside outside - we demanded to see Mr Salmond. The dusky receptionist - who did a rather clever trick of wearing a turban and flowing robes, but using a cunningly-adopted native tongue to communicate – brusquely informed us that it was doubtful whether we would get our wish as, firstly,the fellow wasn’t there and, secondly, even if he was, he was the sort of chap who was liable to eat miscellaneous Englishmen who sought entrance. However , he eventually wished us well on our journey back home and gave a customary Scottish farewell which sounded something like ‘Yous more tha’ welcome to pissoffhame noo’ –which according to advice we later received means ‘ do come back whenever you feel the urge to do so’. Really quite charming people when you get to know them.

Given that we had travelled quite some way, we naturally decided to sample a grog shop or two as we traversed our way back towards Waverley Station ( or the Nicola Sturgeon Expressway as it is to be known). During a conversation in the Braveheart Arms we were surprised to learn that, in fact, independence has already taken hold. The landlord insisted that we exchange our British wonga for the new Scottish currency and we were accordingly offered a special rate of 24 Bawbees to the pound. Spurred on by this bargain we drank the rest of the day away, discouraged only by the rapid fluctuation in the value of the local coinage and concluded the evening by receiving a mere seven Troons per £1 – and they looked surprisingly like Polish zlotys by the time we were asked to leave, pretty well impecunious after our savage attack on the array of single malts, including a strange-tasting number called Dusty Sporran which seemed to be stored outside near the gentlemen’s lavatory from whence the barman fetched a bottle each time we ordered, to the intense laughter of the other customers.

To cut a long story short , we are now back home after being found wandering up Princes Street at 3 am and spending a day in the cells , where we were royally entertained by a group called the ‘Polis’ who kept up our spirits ( and, indeed, quite a lot of our spirits did come up after the day’s imbibing!) by regularly hitting us on the head with truncheons and singing what seemed to be a traditional song called ‘Ha’ summa tha’ Jamie’.

As I speak Hesketh is drafting stiff missive to Mr Salmond, complaining of his rudeness in not receiving us, and further admonishing him for his having a name which sounds uncannily like a fish – thereby rendering him totally unsuitable to lead an independent state and making him especially liable to attract the attention of Mr Cameron on his next holiday…

by **Phil Hornby** Fri Aug 29, 2014 6:27 pm

This stuff doesn't just write itself, you know...

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...sometimes it can take several minutes... Shocked

by **Phil Hornby** Thu Sep 11, 2014 4:33 pm

Copy letter to all English Conservative Clubs

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From the Presidential Castle of Baron Salmond, Lord of the Isles ,
Father of the Nation and General Know-all

( don’t let this letter head out too early, or people may get the right idea…)

Dear Mr Cameron
It has come to my attention that you and your Westminster friends have been peddling all manner of scare stories ahead of the Referendum Vote.

I wish to protest in my most puffed-up and arrogant manner about the suggestions that much of the vital business community of Scotland is opposed to a vote for independence. For example, I have it on very good authority that Angus McOffal – master butcher of Killiekrankie, proprietor of the General Stores and Holiday Lets ( no English)- has every intention of remaining north of the border under my rule ( subject to a regular order of a pound of venison and sawdust sausages from my good lady, the impending Baroness Boredstiff of Alastaircampelltown).

Furthermore, despite Treasury rumours, we have plenty of cash in the vaults to sustain this proud nation for several hours after the yoke of London rule has been removed from us. None other than Mr Hamish Futterjee Singh of the Nationwide Building Society, Drumnadrochit has assured me that he keeps up to £250 in the office till which can be accessed instantly ( subject to receipt of identity, permission from Head Office in Bristol, and four days’ notice of intended withdrawal) and that he carries upon his person a further substantial sum provided he hasn’t spent it on his lunchtime sandwich by the time I arrive.

I could doubtless go on and highlight many other shining examples of the ability of we Scots to sustain ourselves in isolation, but so far none of my staff have come up with anything, and strangely, many have asked for today off, in order to move to Carlisle. So let’s hear no more of your collection of well-argued and coherent arguments to spoil my dreams of political glory, which I have nurtured since I was a wee bairn and considered by the School Psychologist to be the boy most likely to have unattainable delusions of grandeur.

Yours ever ( well, until 2016 anyway),

A. Salmond

PS If it should all go wrong next week, how about that job for me you mentioned when we met at the Annual Dissemblers’ Convention in Milton Keynes in 2009…?)

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by **Phil Hornby** Mon Sep 29, 2014 4:43 pm

News from Conference

We all quiver with excitement today as we attend our annual Party Conference and look forward to the many vital opportunities it offers –a Champagne lounge, a host of Totty to ogle at, and a chance to meet the real Tory Bigwigs like Giant Schnapps ( I may be mixing the fellow up with one of the cocktails on sale at the bar, but you’ll know to whom I allude).

Additionally , of course, there is the chance to compare lies about the Labour Party with all sorts of fellow bile-spitters and to see Iain Duncan Smith arrive for his speech in a cage into which is tossed red meat to prepare him for his rallying cry to make the lives of the poor even more unspeakably bleak.

What a shame, however, that some of our fun has been spoiled by the goings-on of a couple of chaps whom we had thought were top-hole chums. First that Mike Feckless appears to have upped sticks and been seduced into UKRAP by that Fandango latex puppet – just because he happens to have all those super right-wing policies, and then- to cap it all - we have news of some little-known MP called something like Berks Nomark, flashing his tackle to all and sundry by electronic device.

Whatever happened to the days where proper standards were maintained and we had the more honourable behaviour of a true gentleman such as Cecil Parkinson merely getting his personal assistant pregnant before seeking to quietly shuffle her and her sprog off into the sunset.

Still, no good yearning for the old halcyon days, I suppose, when we all made a bee-line for the annual bash in the hopes that Maggie would make a miraculous return. Those tweed and handbag days are gone for good and all we can comfort ourselves with is the prospect of Joe Public being sufficiently bone-headed to give our favourites another five years to exterminate non-believers.

I must dash – some individual with a purple rosette and wearing a Ku Klux Klan outfit is beckoning to me from behind a curtain…

by **Phil Hornby** Fri Oct 10, 2014 12:45 pm

You could have knocked we stanch Tories at the Club down with a pair of Theresa May’s false eyelashes. Fancy that turncoat Pigswill winning the by-election in Clapton –on – Sea. We had all thought that our candidate – the chap nobody has heard of before but who once appeared in an advertisement on Channel 4 in 1993 for incontinence pants - would walk it, given the propensity of Essex Man to put into Parliament any loudmouth with a blue rosette.

There are now suspicions that Toby Walletstuffer , our very own M of P, is having a few twitches – and not just those he usually suffers after a hard night’s bingeing on pink gins at the Keyhole Club in Soho.

Rumours abound that Tobe is on the verge of joining Falange and his UKRAP band of BNP rejects and suspicion is hardly ameliorated by the fact that he has chosen ‘Nigel’ as the name of his latest illegitimate son with his Personal Assistant. It has to be said that we have had our concerns that said Walletstuffer is about to jump ship after he was seen wearing a pair of purple braces at the Golf Club last month, and being heard to say that ‘Blue is so yesterday’ to a steward who challenged him on the dress code at the 19th hole.

Still, who can blame the chap? I know of several of our members who are secretly planning to visit a shock upon Cameron at the next election. Although they will not break cover too obviously yet, since Barrage’s chaps have not yet the sort of meeting place infrastructure that allows for a heavily-subsidised bar such as we currently enjoy here at Thatcher Towers, Pease Pottage.

Many of us live in hope, of course, that at the very least we can establish some sort of cobbled-together pact with the ‘new kids on the block’ to replace those ungrateful LibDems who have recently had the nerve to publically deride us just because we have treated them with contempt for four years while insisting they follow the Blue Brigade into the Commons’ Lobbies at voting time. Some people have absolutely no sense of duty, or of recognition that we Tories are born to lead – in the most humble of senses, naturally.

Were it not for the imminent prospect of a pint or three of Carswell’s Revenge from the Flotsam and Jetsam Brewery, I fancy that a number of us here would be fearing for our Leader’s furrowed brow…

by **Phil Hornby** Sat Oct 11, 2014 10:41 am

Post scriptum

It has come to my attention that my secretary carelessly mis-typed 'stanch' for 'staunch' in the opening line of my carefully-crafted report from the Club yesterday. Honestly, you just can't get the staff these days.

It is hoped that this timely correction will also remove doubts from those who imagined that the word I was searching for was 'stench' - referring, as the piece did, to our Tory brethren.

There - having got that off my chest and having sobered-up as the sun rises by so doing , I shall now make my way homewards...

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