Pease Pottage Conservative Club

by **Phil Hornby** Thu Oct 13, 2011 10:02 am

First topic message reminder :

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News from our modest little home will appear here, from time to time, in due course.

You have been warned.... Smile

by **Phil Hornby** Sat Oct 11, 2014 10:41 am

Post scriptum

It has come to my attention that my secretary carelessly mis-typed 'stanch' for 'staunch' in the opening line of my carefully-crafted report from the Club yesterday. Honestly, you just can't get the staff these days.

It is hoped that this timely correction will also remove doubts from those who imagined that the word I was searching for was 'stench' - referring, as the piece did, to our Tory brethren.

There - having got that off my chest and having sobered-up as the sun rises by so doing , I shall now make my way homewards...

by **Phil Hornby** Wed Oct 15, 2014 9:55 pm

Important Message from the Chairman's Study

It has come to my notice that a number of commentators and even our own Prime Minister have been heard referring to members of UKIP as 'loonies, fruitcakes and closet racists'.

I should like to remind Club Members that such comments are wholly undeserved. The descriptions used continue to be jealously-guarded here as a true reflection of those of us who have striven for years to demonstrate those qualities and , indeed, to extend our reach into territory such as the demeaning of the disabled - and reduction in their remuneration, should any accidentally gain employment.

Hesketh Largely- Bonkers

Club Chairman and Chief Bigot

by **Phil Hornby** Wed Nov 05, 2014 9:29 pm

Just a quick note to say how much we are enjoying Bonfire Night, which we are celebrating this year in a most exciting way by burning down the local Labour Club. Well, they won't need it after next May, will they...?

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by **Phil Hornby** Mon Jun 08, 2015 4:46 pm

From the Chairman's Study

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Dear Friends,

I am sure that all of us here at the Club would like to heartily congratulate our local MP – re-elected last month thanks to the usual mixture of pig-headed ignorance and carefully-honed prejudice of our dear electors – on the barely-deserved award of a knighthood for services to distressed rich widows in the locality. The pleasure of his friends at our Club extends even to those, like myself, who had perhaps hoped that one’s own long-standing efforts to keep Pease Pottage blue, might have warranted recognition some years ago and that all the begging letters to Downing Street and sizeable cheques should have convinced those in high places that one’s case for a title was but a formality. Not that I am bitter, of course, and I continue to support the Prime Minister’s judgement in the matter of giving gongs to any MP of minor importance which he chooses…

Unfortunately for the new Knight – whom, of course, I must now call Sir Toby Walletstuffer – he did not attain the Ministerial position to which he aspired. It had been widely expected that he would be promoted to Minister of State for Braying during PMQs in the new Parliament, but his past heroic efforts at obsequiousness on Wednesday lunchtimes were, clearly not sufficiently noticed in the Chamber. This has proved to be a slight blemish on the Club’s plans for speaking events this month, since Sir Toby was to have given us a talk on his anticipated ministerial responsibilities. However, all is not lost, since the fellow now has any number of leading celebrities as friends since his newly-found social status was conferred and one of them has kindly consented to step into the breech. Accordingly June’s Lecture will be given by Ms Katie Hopkins , who will thrill us with a talk on her ideas for Work Camps for the Disabled and Unemployed – a cause, I am sure you will agree is very close to all our hearts.

Members will also be delighted to note – in the spirit of one nation Conservatism - that we have , indeed, resumed our position as a single entity here, by removing those squatters we have had to accommodate for the past 5 years under our roof. The last LibDem supporter in the parish was finally prised from his office – more of a lavatory cubicle it has to be admitted – last Friday and sent on his way with a ‘get well soon‘ card and a signed picture of Mr Cameron holding up two fingers.

Maybe now, after all the excitement of another election campaign where the voters unaccountably believed every word we said yet again, we can settle down to the serious business of re-stocking the Bar and planning Summer Menus -maybe icluding delights such a much-requested Celebratory Barbeque featuring spit-roast immigrant – a particular favourite of Ms Hopkins , I believe.

Your proud – but , as yet unknighted – Chairman,

Hesketh Largely-Bonkers

PS Could somebody just check the post again, in case something did arrive from the Palace…?

by **Phil Hornby** Mon Jun 08, 2015 8:50 pm

Post-Election Snaps at the Club...

Miss Elspeth Prym rejoices at the news of Toby Walletstuffer's Knighthood ...

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Another local MP, Freddie Letch, asks Priscilla Gully-Bull what she thinks of the 'size of his majority'...

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...and a member of the local community calls by to pass his best wishes to all at the Club after the stunning election success...

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by **Phil Hornby** Tue Jun 09, 2015 2:06 pm

Memorandum from the Secretary's Office

I have been asked to supply details of the full glorious result of the Pease Pottage Constituency General Election Result, and this is set out below :
_______________________________________________

Candidate                               Party                          Votes Cast

Toby Walletstuffer           Conservative                       34256*

Ged Knuckle                          UKIP                               25422 +

Col. Rafe Perving-Trait   Bring Back the Birch               1356>

Teresa Green                         Green                                  995^

Stan Stoat                              Labour                                404^

Nina Edcase                     Katie Hopkins for Pope              23>

Basil Badger-Kulle          Death to Defenceless Animals      9>

Daisy Ghostwhistler     Communist Party of Leafy Sussex 3<

Philip Judas Hornby       The 'Don't Vote' Alliance               0<

Key :

* including postal votes submitted via Pease Pottage Conservative Club
^ Lost deposit
> Lost deposit and marbles
< Lost deposit and will to live
+ Lost in France

Spoilt Papers - 2103 ( Fingerprints being taken on those marked    ' Walletstuffer is a bastard' - ie all but five)

As verified by the Deputy Returning Officer -

Ernest Turner- Blindeye
----------------------------------------------------------

I do hope the above information satisfies the doubts of those who felt a UKIP victory was almost certain , including the ~~26445~~ twenty-seven of that party's supporters who wrote in to complain about alleged malpractice at the count .

A. Dulle- Scribbler

Club Secretary & Chief Vote-Rigger

by **Phil Hornby** Fri Jun 12, 2015 3:11 pm

[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.] ( s2s) A Study in Greed - your local MP Sir Toby Walletstuffer sends a message to Club Members:

Well, everyone - you must all be justifiably pleased and proud to have me back as your beloved MP and to be absolutely thrilled about my well-deserved Knighthood which - I am sure you will agree- has been far too long coming.

My return as MP for Pease Pottage must be a substantial relief to any of you who feared that those dreadful UKIP chaps might have sniffed victory and I want to make it clear that any comment I previously made that Nigel Farage was a thoroughly decent chap whose party I would be honoured to join if my majority looked under threat as a Tory, were wilfully misreported -as was my appearance at the UKIP Party Conference where I was skilfully disguised in an SS officer's uniform to blend in with many other attendees. My acceptance of the invitation to be with those opponents at their bean feast was simply to craftily eavesdrop on any underhand policy initiatives which might be proposed . Any suggestion that I clapped wildly at speakers' speeches and shouted 'Sieg Heil' and 'bravo' so loudly and regularly that I had to be thrown out as a total embarrassment, are entirely unfounded. And anyway I thought I was merely being polite and displaying expected behaviours.

Understandably, the Prime Minister has noted my unswerving loyalty to the Tory Party, and when I met him in the Gents' at the Commons and quietly mentioned the photographs which I still luckily have in my possession( of what we might call the 'Eton Mess') , he was only too desperate to offer me a Ministerial position ( I did think the offer of a Peerage was perhaps a trifle premature). To be honest, I don't have the foggiest what it will entail, but have been relieved to discover that the same applies to most of the others who have been promoted to similar posts. I hadn't realised that so many copies of those snaps of the 'Dormitory Naked Rugby match' had found their way into circulation .

I suppose I should thank you all for your support at the election in May but, after all, if you wanted a reliable representative who would look after your - and, most particularly, his own- interests there was little other choice than to plonk that cross against the name of yours truly. I shall guard jealously the trust you have put in me and act for you no less assiduously than I do when completing my expenses claims, or speaking to really important people who don't bother me with piffling matters which could have been cleared up without troubling somebody as important as myself.

Right, that's enough of all this heavy MP workload - I have a weekend cottage in Devon to go to ...

Yours etc.

( sgd) T. Walletstuffer

( Dictated by Sir Toby and signed in his frequent absence by his PA, Miss Lydia Legover)

by **Phil Hornby** Fri Jun 12, 2015 8:34 pm

STOP PRESS -Exclusive from Tonight's Local Paper - The Pease Pottage Dissembler and Advertiser :

Following today's sensational news that the apparent offer of Ministerial status to local MP , Sir Toby Walletstuffer, had been mysteriously withdrawn by the Prime Minister, information has been received by the Dissembler which may explain the events.

The sudden change of heart may not be unconnected with the picture below which was sent anonymously, but delivered to our offices by a slim, well-dressed lady calling herself Samantha who arrived in a large car bearing the legend 'If found, please return to Downing Street'.

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The image shows a young Toby Walletstuffer ,as a Harrow scholar, standing on a street corner in a salubrious part of London selling desirable items confiscated from his fag, and offering favours to passing Merchant Bankers when business was quiet.

When approached by our reporter this evening at Dunbonkin, his country hideaway near Torquay, a spokeswoman for Sir Toby said : " Can you just hang on a minute while I puts some clothes on dearie - there, that's better . Tobe is hiding under the bed at the moment, but says he could explain everything if he was in. To be honest, I don't think he ever wanted to be minister anyway, since he found that his wife had chucked out those dodgy pictures of that Cameron chappie . Honestly, I never knew you could do that with a rugby ball, although once I...".

At this point our newshound made his excuses and left..."

by **Phil Hornby** Sun Jun 21, 2015 8:57 pm

Today at the Club...

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Popular Club member Thomas Harfwitte - having finally sobered up from a three-day binge in the Bar to celebrate a rise in the number of locals forced from their homes by the Bedroom Tax -enjoys the sun in the Garden of Anthony Eden and berates his dog Mussolini for not savaging a passing suspected Labour voter when clearly instructed to do so.

Meanwhile...

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...Cedric Toatly-Krupt - Chairman of our Finance Committee - oversees urgent activities to ensure that all incriminating documents are removed from the Secretary's office prior to the annual audit of the Club's books...and finally...

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.. rumours that Eric Pickles was intending to pay us a passing visit proved to be unfounded, and so anyone wishing to take advantage of the mid-morning snack prepared for him should have a word with the kitchen staff immediately...

by **Phil Hornby** Thu Jun 25, 2015 1:04 pm

Yesterday, we all spent a jolly interesting half-hour eagerly watching what seems to be called Prime Minister’s Questions on TV. Ridiculous! Mr Cameron was not allowed by Burqa, that left-leaning Speaker chappie, to ask a single poser and appeared to be constantly assailed by all sorts of rude upstarts who put a host of difficult and impertinent points to him which could have caused all manner of embarrassment.

Don’t MPs understand that the whole purpose of the exercise is to (a) allow Tory Members to read out the carefully-chosen congratulatory items which the Whips have written for them and (b) give our beloved PM the chance to give a verbal bashing to anyone in the Chamber who has the temerity not to be a Tory.

Our local MP, Sir Toby Walletstuffer, has come up with an absolutely wizard wheeze whereby a Bill be brought forward which makes all ‘opposition’ parties illegal, thereby solving a whole load of arguments and associated impediments to Mr Cameron doing just what he wants. Just imagine how popular it would be if we were to be rid of the likes of that temporary Labour leader, Hairnet Harridan, who unaccountably seems all too unconvinced by a succession of the Prime Minister’s skilful evasions on those frequent occasions when he can’t think of a suitable answer.

Then there would be the prospect of getting shot of that ragbag of sporran-swinging thistle –munching savages from north of the Border who are prone to believe that they are entitled to actually turn up in Parliament when in fact they should be better employed tidying their bothies and stirring bowls of salty porridge. No better are the small , but disproportionately irritating, band of chaps from Wales who have an even more confusing language and accent than the Jocks and are, annoyingly, much better at rugger than the rest of Britain. Not to be forgotten is the melange of other oddballs, including what we take to be some leprechauns ( a number of which mercifully don’t turn up) a woman from Brighton with a greenish tinge and the last LibDem in Christendom ( until 2020 when he’ll doubtless be extinguished).

If Walletstuffer’s idea bears fruit, we shall be unencumbered by all this miscellany of misguided alternative views and be free to take bold steps to develop those long-held Tory aspirations of a united Britain where all its common peoples are equally-despised and are exploited for the benefit of the rich and powerful. What more, we ask, could the undeserving hordes in these islands possibly want from their Tory masters?

Following our televisual treat, we all repaired to the Bar where it was pints of Out- Patient’s Sample from the Jeremy and Hunt Brewery – an ale which has a slightly odd aftertaste, seems to vary in colour week by week, and is served in a strangely-shaped glass. Indeed, some members of the Club quickly tipped the beverage into a handy nearby aspidistra ( which promptly died) and asked the barman for a more refreshing glass of Osborne’s Coke…

by **Phil Hornby** Sat Jun 27, 2015 6:59 pm

Today at The Club...

Well-respected Club member Simon Grimly-Grump sportingly expresses his congratulations to our cricket team's opponent's following their narrow 354-run victory this afternoon .

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Our chaps were bowled out for the most respectable total of 7 ( including five byes and two no-balls). We are more than grateful to see the team improving upon last week's disappointing result against Nether Bottom Cricket Club whose women has clearly been practising for the fixture in a manner which ill-befits the spirit of what should be a game of minimal time on the middle and maximum time with a Pimm's on the boundary edge...

by **Phil Hornby** Thu Jul 02, 2015 12:30 pm

Club Sports News
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Unfortunate news for our Club today is that our big hope for Wimbledon glory, Miss Arabella Thirtay-Fortay, was knocked out - in a nail-bitingly close match lasting all of seven minutes - in the first preliminary round of the Old Trouts' Plate at SW19, by a score of 6-0 6-0 by up and coming French lady Mirielle Sangatte-Immigrante.

We are more than disappointed that, during the epic encounter, our favourite was given three dress code infringements by the chair umpire for her blue headband, her blue rosette bearing the motto 'Isn't David Cameron a truly super overhead smash?', and her fetching blue knickers - which she accidentally showed when bending to quickly pick up and pocket a fiver which a ballboy had carelessly dropped on court....

Timothy Tramme - Lyne

Club Tennis Captain

by **Phil Hornby** Sun Jul 05, 2015 5:41 pm

Urgent Notice for Club Members

We have been reminded by Central Office of the Home Secretary's advice for rooting out extremism and potential threats to British Society. We are all urged to report immediately any person who falls into the following categories :

* Attends an educational establishment which has not converted to one of Mr Gove's jolly fine Academies
* Bears the name of Bercow, Burnham, Corbyn, Clegg or Salmond ( or other fish-related label ). Oh yes, or Muhammed or other foreign-sounding monikers.
* Not requiring at least Factor 20 sun cream in hot weather
* Not displaying a 'Vote Conservative' poster at election times
*Failure to provide a compelling excuse for not having a double-barrelled surname
*Failure to be able to name all the England Rugby World Cup Winning Squad of 2003
*Inability to recall the batting averages of Dr. W. G. Grace for each of the seasons 1870 - 1899
* Failure to recall the names of the past five Chairmen of the CBI
* Any poor person appearing content for no good reason
* Growing Leylandii conifers to a height exceeding 10 feet and thereby clearly hiding something of dangerous intent ( citizens with their own gardeners are exempt from this)

The reporting of such potential terrorists to our local policeman, PC Bernard Brute, or PCSO Yusuf al-Hadjii * will be a public service and will ensure immunity from any inconvenient parking tickets which might otherwise have arisen from selfishly blocking the highway with one's 4x4 on Market Day.

A Dulle-Scribbler

Club Secretary and Secret McCarthyite

( * Don't say anything, but keep an eye on this one, too - we understand that he, suspiciously, was born in deepest Yorkshire...)

by **Phil Hornby** Sun Jul 12, 2015 5:18 pm

A Message from the Chairman of the Finance Committee

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Fellow Club Members,

First, may I say that, had I understood a word of it, I am sure I could shower nothing but praise of Mr Osborne's budget last week. It all seemed jolly super , since all our Tory MPs were shouting enthusiastic support from the benches in the manner of 'Bravo!', 'That'll show the poor' , 'what about some tax cuts for us?' and 'hurry up, George, it's opening time'.

But never let it be said that I take anything at face value - and colleagues here playfully say that with a face like mine, I simply can't afford to. Accordingly, I sought independent confirmation from a contact at the Fanciful Stories Desk at the Daily Mail, and I was categorically assured that this was, indeed, the best Budget in the whole history of civilisation and would only be exceeded on its stupendousness by the next one. I was going to impinge further upon his acute financial knowledge by asking what he made of this dreadful Greek business, but he said that, unfortunately, he had an important meeting to attend about the use of office paper clips, and had to dash off.

Undaunted, I have done a bit of research about the Greek position on my own account in order to provide an authoritative steer for colleagues here about the current state of play . From my extensive library of reference books, including the Boys' World Atlas ( 1951 edition) and another handy tome, ('50 Things Every Schoolboy should know about Economics) I can reveal that Greece is properly called the Hellenic Republic and has been known since ancient times as Hellas, and is a country located in the South-East of Europe. At the moment it is a bit strapped for cash and is in all sorts of trouble with those chaps who have lent a huge stack of Euros to it. I do hope that my explanation doesn't prove too technical for any of you, but the upshot of it all is that poor old Johnny Zorba has a bit of a conundrum to solve. If any further clarification is required, please don't hesitate to ask anybody else but myself.

There, I think that's it - never let it be said that in my very important position as Chairman of our Finance Committee that I am not at least on a par with our esteemed Chancellor - and , indeed, that my own stewardship of our Club's economy is at least as good as his, evidenced by the current gigantic amount that members owe in unpaid bar and restaurant accounts.

Cedric Toatly-Krupt

Chair of Finance and Chief Book-Cooker

by **Phil Hornby** Mon Jul 13, 2015 9:03 pm

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Never let it be said that we Tories are not aware of the need to maintain the morale of others. Above are pictured Club Members, Rory and Stella Smugge, who remind a local admirer, Ivan Overdraft, just how lucky he is to have had his benefits reduced by only 20% in Mr Osborne's 'Budget and to demonstrate that we are all in this together by regaling him with the sad tale of the time when they faced their own financial calamity by almost giving a pound to charity by accident...

by **Phil Hornby** Fri Jul 24, 2015 8:27 pm

New Members' Corner

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Provided their cheque doesn't bounce, we are delighted to offer our usual warm and unequivocal welcome to new members, Crispin and Catriona Snottie who have passed our exhaustive interview for Club Membership acceptance, in which they were asked seriously testing posers such as : 'Just how wonderful do you think Mr Cameron is?' ; ' 'Tell us your ten favourite cruel traits of Mrs Thatcher' and 'Did Mr Brittan prefer little boys to a good woman?'.

Having satisfied the Chairman that they were of sufficiently low moral rectitude and had the minimum of human decency, they were considered ideal candidates to swell our numbers -after all, our usual standards must be maintained and we can't be too careful in these uncertain days when it is sometimes hard to be sure whether one is a truly honourable and upstanding individual of the sort we take the utmost care to weed out .

by **Phil Hornby** Sat Aug 01, 2015 8:19 pm

Today at the Club

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Respected Club member , Aubrey Chancer, welcomed a few old friends whom he has known for several hours to our humble home this afternoon. Aubrey tell us that he - quite by chance - bumped into his chums in Calais where they had coincidentally all lost their wallets and asked if there was any room in the Chancers' camper van.

Naturally, being a chap who would never let down any fellow man who might be capable of working on his Estate for a meagre existence and starvation wages, our Aube was only too eager to assist. Alas, just to show that one can never be too trusting, it was something of a surprise when our guests were found to have disappeared just after lunch following a few G&Ts and a plateful of prawn vol-au-vents, and we can only presume that it was something we inadvertently said about how unusual it was to be visited by folk who appeared to be unfamiliar with the laws of cricket and the difficulties of getting a good seat at Glyndebourne...

by **Phil Hornby** Sun Aug 02, 2015 7:12 pm

Club Notices

Summer Beauty Queen Competition

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Last year's winner , Miss Ophelia Bottom ( pictured above) encourages all this year's hopefuls to get their entry forms in early so that the panel of judges - chaired by our expert filly-fancier, Piers Threwindows - can make an informed choice and announce the lucky winner at our Summer Ball. The prizes this year will be :

Third Place - a guaranteed ticket on the front row for Mr Cameron's speech at the 2016 Party Conference( at a reduced price of only 25 guineas, with free 'I love you, David and I want your babies' banner).

Second Place - a night out with Boris Johnson ( including complimentary chastity belt and can of pepper spray).

First Prize - an almost new water cannon to add fun to your family barbeque ( especially useful for expelling gatecrashers*).

*( Not to be used without prior permission of Mrs May)

(Signed) Stella Strumpet
Women Members' Social Secretary

by **Phil Hornby** Tue Aug 04, 2015 11:54 am

This Morning at the Club...

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We are more than pleased with the turn-out today - demonstrated by the snap above - to collect Labour Party Membership Application Forms in order that our members can cast their vote for that Jeremy Carbine fellow and ensure that our opponents henceforth look even more unelectable than we should be if people ever stopped and thought.

This master plan was hatched by those very clever people in Central Office who are also thoughtful enough to send regular missives to us telling us what we think, just in case we have not been able to lay our hands regularly on a copy of the Daily Mail or the Telegraph.

On a purely personal level I am not sure about this ploy for intervention in the enemy camp, however - one never quite knows whether the fact that one has declared oneself a member of such an organisation -even with a hasty resignation and much hand-washing post-election - could have ramifications at the Lodge and lead to invitations to weekends in the country, mindlessly shooting defenceless animals, drying up. Accordingly, some may be tempted to sign up under a nom-de-plume if one knew what it meant.

Such testing decisions must surely call for a sniff of the electric soup for fortification, and I feel the need for a pint of Blair's Paradise Ale - admittedly a medal-winner in its time, but lately regarded as being a bit over-frothy with no real substance and leaving a bitter after-taste...

by **Phil Hornby** Fri Aug 07, 2015 9:45 pm

Today at the Club...

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This morning we were honoured to host the temporary return from retirement by veteran Club member,Brigadier Toby Neerly-Sayne, who once again proudly donned his uniform from his days with the Royal Regiment of Pease Pottage - known affectionately as 'The Old Duffers' - and joined his able assistant, Major Seymour Gunham-Downe to issue orders to all local citizens that any suspected illegal immigrants seen approaching the vicinity should be shot on sight, or alternatively made to read a copy of the Conservative Party Election Manifesto 2015 and, thereafter, watch a whole series of BBC's MasterChef , thereby being subjected to the unbearable prospect of listening to Sue Leith pontificate on yet another culinary concoction in a haughty manner which suggests that she believes somebody actually values her opinion.

Having inspected the assembled volunteer 'troops' - both of whom had dutifully arrived with their Home Guard 1940-issue pitchforks - the Brigadier had a brief afternoon nap in the library before waking suddenly in the belief that the Germans were poised for an imminent attack , whereupon he did what any patriotic right-thinking senior officer would do and ordered a large whisky and soda.

by **Phil Hornby** Mon Aug 10, 2015 9:51 pm

Meet the New Club Member...

The Selection Committee are very pleased to introduce our latest member, Mr S.S.Ittler, (pictured below) of Berteschgarten Villas, Sudetenland Drive, Pease Pottage, who has joined us fresh from a holiday in Poland with a number of his family.

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Although our new friend appeared as if from nowhere, he brings to the Club some very attractive ideas relating to new forms of policing, trade union reform and how to deal with the immigrant problem. He is also unusually keen to see the club expand and obtain additional land on which to build an extension of our buildings and seems especially eager to see the purchase of a large area of parkland for holding what he describes as 'rallies' - doubtless he and his charming partner, Miss Braun, are keen caravan enthusiasts.

We did ask casually about Mr Ittler's occupation , but he must have misheard and simply mumbled ' The Channel Islands'...

by **Phil Hornby** Wed Aug 12, 2015 2:00 pm

Inspection Report on Pease Pottage Conservative Club

I, the undersigned, present my report on my recent inspection of the PPCC. Such inspections take place on an irregular basis , partially due to the difficulties of finding me sufficiently sober and coherent to undertake the task. However, my findings are set out below :

Library - this provides excellent ambience with its comfortable chairs, efficient drinks service and the occasional book. A quick check on the titles most frequently browsed shows the following to be especially popular :

'The Importance of Truth in Political Life' by Maj. Gen. Sir I. Duncan Smith , VC, MC , DSO, MA ( Oxon)

'Expenses Fiddling for Beginners' by Lord Handintill of Hanningfield

'Sex on a Budget' : published by Conservative Central Orifice

'The Conservative Party Annual 2015 , featuring the comical adventures of that unlovable rascal Benny Fitcheet' : editor J. Major-Pipsqueak

Dining Room - generally a satisfactory menu and service despite, for example, visiting Inspectors not being offered a free luncheon until he made a gigantic fuss. The absence of the tipping of waiting staff is particularly pleasing to note.

Educational Activities - the Club has regular speakers for the purpose of keeping members up to date on key issues. The next session is by a G. Osborne who will speak on: 'Why I want to be Prime Minister once I have passed my Maths GCSE'.

Sport - while results have often been disappointing , with no team having won any fixture since 1957, there is a very satisfactory lack of sportsmanship shown upon any defeat occurring.

Club Chairman - Hesketh Largely- Bonkers continues to show perception and initiative in leading the Club, including innovative ideas for recapturing the Colonies. Of some concern was his belief that Macmillan is still PM, but it is felt that a chat with his nurse and a full frontal lobotomy will soon rectify the problem.

Charitable Activities -for 2016 the Club has decided to sponsor a roof for The Leon Brittan Children's Playground on Fondlers' Heath, Pease Pottage - a worthy cause which I am sure will enable us to provide a cover allowing all the youngsters to be played with safely without undue inconvenience.

General Impressions - the Club is as well-ordered as can be expected from an establishment where members are clearly too self-centred to care about keeping to the usual courtesies of not dropping litter and other detritus while demanding that others clear up after them. It was satisfying to see a portrait of Mrs Thatcher prominently displayed in the foyer, although the cleaners ( one of whom I was concerned to note did not bow sufficiently deeply when passing the said picture) have still not fully cleaned off the 'heartless cow' graffiti which had inexplicably appeared when the local decorators, Botchitt & Hope, were last in.

I certify that the above faithfully represents my findings and that I at no time was offered or accepted any inducement and that , even if I had, I have been told not to mention it.

Rupert Rossington-Tosser
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Chief Inspector and Central Office Spy

by **Phil Hornby** Thu Aug 13, 2015 5:36 pm

An Apology

We have today received the following apology from the editor of our local paper, The Pease Pottage Dissembler :

“ We are sorry for an error in the reporting of the speech made by the local Member of Parliament , Sir Toby Walletstuffer, at the Conservative Club last weekend. Our article made reference to his presentation of ‘The Case for Making the Poor even Poorer’ as “having been packed full of excitement”.

The piece should of course have described Sir Toby’s words as : “ having been packed full of excrement” and we are sorry for the error and trust that this acknowledgement will restore our jealously-guarded reputation for accuracy. Naturally, we have taken steps to reprimand our reporter and his work-experience placement with us has been ended summarily and the full facts notified to his probation officer “.

I am sure Club Members will be reassured by this prompt correction of the true position by the editor although, for some reason best known to himself, Toby is consulting his solicitors.

Dai Vershion
Club PR Adviser and Cricket Team Spinner

by **Phil Hornby** Wed Aug 19, 2015 4:32 pm

Club Sports News

With the closure of the football transfer window upon us at the end of the month, Sid Spitter, our Club’s football manager, is thrilled to announce the capture of a new signing. Pictured below is Julian Manly-Legge who has been a target - not least, of the relevant authorities -for quite some time. For a fee not unadjacent to £3.50, a year's membership of the Tootsie Club, Pease Pottage, and a small but tasteful packet of cheroots, Julian has joined us from a spell abroad , whilst on the run from the police, where he lined up for Geert Wilders Ramblers FC in Holland, where he played mainly at extreme right wing.

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Julian has a playing record which is second to none , having scored not at all in over 756 games since he started his career 37 years ago at the age of 18 ( or possibly the other way round). He has only been dismissed by the referee on 229 occasions, but claims to have been the victim of mistaken identity 94 times, insisting that the officials in question could not possibly have seen the foul play’s perpetrator clearly, having been shot as they approached the incident.

Such an enviable career record will see our new colleague fit immediately into our style of play and we look forward to a happy association, at least until he decides the time has come to hang up his knee-high boots, or is banned for life for causing some innocuous but inevitable on-pitch fatality.

Jeremy Gameboy
Club Sports Correspondent

by **Phil Hornby** Sat Aug 29, 2015 9:08 pm

Club Childrens' Summer Painting Competition 2015

Shown below is the judges' choice as the winner of this year's competition, the subject of which was set as 'Your Favourite Tory Minister'. I think it is all too clear that the successful entrant is a big fan of Mr Eric Pickles, and our congratulations go accordingly to a talented ten year-old from Islington North called Jeremiah Cobryn, who , unfortunately, could not make the journey to us, but sent his entry by post ( without a stamp).

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The prize - a generous £3 token to be spent on any Central Office Publication of his choice - is awarded subject to Master Cobryn formally agreeing to rename his creation 'Gelatinous Slob' after the judges considered the original playful title of 'Fat Bastard' to be uncomfortably too accurate to be acceptable.

Mark Shagall
Club Art Critic

by **Phil Hornby** Mon Aug 31, 2015 7:36 pm

Bank Holiday at the Club

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The 2015 cricket season is brought to its traditional end today by a rain-soaked match between the Club's First XI and our doughty opponents, The Gentlemen of Pease Pottage, of whom as many as five were found to make up a team this year.

The picture above shows our star opening batsman Q. Cumber-Sandwich who defied the bowlers for a whole three balls before hitting his own wicket as his sizeable wallet unexpectedly fell from his pocket and brushed his off stump. It was an especially unfortunate occurrence , given that Quentin's stack of cash has not been seen since he was prevailed upon to buy a round in the pavilion in 1987.

Our captain W. G. Graceless fared a little better, staying manfully at the crease for three-and-a-half hours for 7 runs until a snorter from the Gents' fast bowler , the visiting Australian Shane Foster- Cann, lifted off a length and left the skipper in some discomfort . The precise method of dismissal was not clear from the scorebook but W.G., despite his wicket appearing intact, assured us that his 'bails were definitely dislodged', although we may have misheard his explanation, as he was being bundled into the ambulance at the time and had his head between his knees.

Once Pongo Perkins was out shooting-stick before wicket, we knew the game was up and the Gents knocked off the required 11 runs well before bad light descended , whereupon we all retired to the Compton & Edrich Arms nearby for a few well-earned snifters and an opportunity to peruse the Laws of Cricket to see if we could make a case for sending an urgent missive to Lords, seeking to have the umpires declared unfit on account of their wearing vulgar brightly-coloured neck-ties, thereby ensuring the match result is scratched from the records.

by **Phil Hornby** Thu Sep 03, 2015 4:17 pm

Message from Crispian Chumley-Pipsqueak - Chairman of the Pease Pottage Infant Tory Upstarts

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Hello, fellow Upstarts. First of all I want you to know that my Grandfather is none other than Mr Hesketh Largely-Bonkers who is Chairman of the adults' club and therefore I am very important like he is. I have not been sent to a private school - St. Gove's Academy for Young Gentlemen and Intolerable Snobs - for people round here to not be very nice to me, or fail to listen when I have something very important to say, which is quite often.

I was chosen to be Chairman of the Club's Infant Upstarts because I am clever enough to be related to Granddad ( or 'Old Gaga' as some folk refer to him for some reason) and because I threatened to cry for hours and stamp my feet if somebody else was chosen and to tell everyone what Granddad was doing with his secretary - Miss Scrubber - in the library last year when he pretended that a blown fuse had caused all the lights to go out and that his trousers had fallen down accidentally as he 'phoned for an electrician.

Granddad tells me lots of things about politics and makes me read the Daily Mail every day before testing me with questions like : ' How brilliant is Mr Cameron ?' and ' How many immigrants does it take to make a swarm?'. If I am unable to answer the questions accurately, by mistakenly stumbling upon the truth in a Private Eye which somebody has left lying around, I have a punishment such as not being able to visit my friends in Juan-les-Pins at Christmas, or having to memorise a speech of Mrs Thatcher's.

One day I want to grow up and be a Conservative politician , but I know that I must first learn to develop skills like telling monster fibs without crossing my fingers, and finding somebody else to blame for my mistakes whilst under pressure. I know that not until I have mastered such things and found ways of making huge stacks of money from doing very little will I achieve my ambition. Mummy says she will be very proud of me if I eventually turn out like a genuine Tory Minister and tread on as many people as possible while simultaneously avoiding the burden of having a conscience. I have told her that I will do my very best, once I have found out what that means.

I shall write again soon to all of you fellow Upstarts with some more news, but I have to dash off now because it is time for my afternoon story from Daddy, which today is an exciting pirate tale called 'Long John Skiver is Found Fit for Work by Mr Duncan Smith'.

See you later in the Children's Room for a game of ' Pin the Tail on the Benefit Cheat'..

Crispian

by **Phil Hornby** Wed Sep 16, 2015 1:59 pm

News from the Club

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Excitement mounted at the Club this weekend during the 'Jeremy Corbyn Lookalike Competition' ( sponsored by Oxfam Men's Outfitters).

Pictured above is the competition winner, Arthur Trident, who has been put up against a tree and is about to be shot for miming to the National Anthem, having been presented with his trophy - a spade (signed by members of the Cabinet) for digging his own grave...

by **Phil Hornby** Tue Dec 15, 2015 3:57 pm

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In the Enforced Absence of the Club Chairman, Hesketh Large-Bonkers, a Christmas Message from his grandson, Crispian Chumley-Pipsqueak - Chairman of the Pease Pottage Infant Tory Upstarts

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Being only six years old and far too big for my boots, I am honoured to be chosen to write the Club's Seasonal Greeting to all Members. Grandpa is not able to undertake the task this year as I believe he has been out in quite a lot of rain recently, because Grandmama says he won't be able to do much until he has dried out in the special clinic where they seem to help folk who have forgotten to take their umbrellas in bad weather. It is such a shame for him as I know for a fact that just before he was taken away (wearing a strange-looking jacket) in a white van he had been talking incessantly about intending to sell his vegetable allotment to Mr Cameron as the site for the third Heathrow runway.

However, I must press on as the Secretary has his hands around my throat and is tightening his grip by the minute. I know that Club Members have been out and about passing best Season's wishes to everyone in the Community ( except, of course, anybody who looks foreign and could therefore be a terrorist or a Labour voter). Part of our message has been aimed at the younger element of the town whom we have warned to be especially good in order to ensure that it is Santa who comes down their chimneys on Christmas night rather than that dreadful Jerry Carbine fellow who will visit those who have been naughty during the year or have failed to send a greetings card to Mr Cameron conveying their gratitude for saving us from all manner of things which the Daily Mail has made up.

Members should take the opportunity this month to attend the auction of treasures which belonged to the late ~~demented~~ Lady Thatcher ( this should read 'lamented', you obnoxious little worm - Secretary). Grandpa had been hoping to obtain an item of underwear which she wore the night she was deposed, but was put off by the 'slightly soiled' note in the catalogue , and was, instead, aiming to bid for a signed photograph given to her by that nice Mr Pinochet bearing the inscription ' How's your junta coming along? Love, Augusto'.

The Club continues to develop its list of prominent speakers for 2016. Among the luminaries already signed up is Ms Katie Hopkins who will give a lecture entitled ' Is Donald Trump even thicker than Me?', while later in the year Ms Nicky Morgan will give a talk on 'How Hypnosis can be Irreversible' .

Raffle tickets are not selling well this year, even to those Members who never intended to pay for theirs in the first place. Surely the prizes available must excite you all. We have a range of simply super offerings which - even if you are not attracted by them, could be used for gifts for somebody you don't especially like. Who could resist a Central Office Calendar showing 12 Cabinet Members posing saucily in the nude? ( but beware Theresa May in April wearing nothing but a sinister smile and Mr Gove in October with his modesty barely covered by that HB pencil). Add the prospect of winning a 2016 Tory Party Annual personally signed by the woman who cleans the Prime Minister's Flat in No.10, containing such favourite characters as Gideon, the Lying Toad and Jihadi John Major - the Worm that Turned.

Well, I think that's about it - apart, of course, to wish you all a jolly good holiday and loads of plum duff on Christmas Day. Spare a thought for those who will be disappointed even though they already have far more than they need this Christmas, and rejoice that there are those who will have nothing again this year thanks to the hard work of Mr Cameron and his band of ~~Evils~~ ( 'Elves', you fool! - Secretary).

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by **Phil Hornby** Wed Dec 16, 2015 9:33 pm

Recent Photographs from the Club 's Christmas Festivities

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Temporary Seasonal Staff arrive excitedly for duty, resplendent in the smart new obligatory uniforms which we have sold them at the usual inflated price having agreed an irresistible deal with HM Prison Service.

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Trixie Strumpet welcomes the kind offer of companion Clarence Slyme-Ball to examine the size of his Xmas baubles.

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A group of local Sixth-Form students from the St.Toff's Academy are captivated by a lecture given by well-known academic Mark O' Loco on the subject of 'Why Latin is interesting and must be used at every available opportunity'.

by **Phil Hornby** Thu Dec 17, 2015 1:17 pm

Club Religious Matters

We are once again indebted to our local Vicar, the Reverend Roderic Kneeler, for his annual Christmas ministry to the Club. He is pictured below having just reviewed a list of Confessions offered by members in 2015.

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( aveleyman.com)

Roderic is now recovering in the Cottage Hospital and a full list of resultant excommunications will be available in the New Year together with details of recommended local stockists of asbestos-lined overcoats.

A. Dulle-Scribbler

Club Secretary
Lucifer Cottage
Satan's Drive
Pease Pottage
( No cold callers)

by **Phil Hornby** Fri Dec 18, 2015 8:00 pm

Club Fancy Dress Competition

Pictured below are the winners of this year's Club Fancy Dress Competition, keen Members Russell Rustle and Tom Twerpe, who captured the spirit of this week's Space Launch, by wittily dressing up as 'The Twin Peakes' in a tribute to brave adventurer Tim of that ilk.

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The victory was challenged by several other participants who pointed out to the Competition Judge - coincidentally Ralph Twerpe, the uncle of the above-mentioned co-winner 'Major Tom'- that the pair were not technically in fancy dress, as they are frequently seen in the High Street in exactly the same garb, despite having been warned by the local Magistrates on a number of occasions for frightening small children into parting with their pocket-money to avoid the threat of being whisked off to a faraway planet.

Notwithstanding a lengthy examination of the rules, reference to the Club Secretary and the exchange of a suitable sum of hard cash, the Judge's verdict was upheld, leaving disappointed the runner-up , Leonard Gitt, ( as Admiral Nelson) who had gone to the trouble of having an arm amputated especially for the occasion. Third place was given to Club dyslexia sufferer, Gwyn Nelle, for an impressive appearance as Nell Gwynne, but Colin Sadden- Loanley, who entered as the Invisible Man, had to be disqualified since his supposedly clever ruse of not actually turning up at all was skilfully detected by almost half of those present.

Finally, he Club's Solicitors have asked us to apologise formally to Mr Siegfried Stumpie for inadvertently congratulating him on his portrayal of Toulouse- Lautrec, when he had not actually entered the Competition. We hope the gift of a high stool and a few complimentary shorts at the bar , together with a dedicated specially-lowered hat-peg in the cloakroom will be of some compensation.

by **Phil Hornby** Mon Dec 21, 2015 6:00 pm

Meanwhile, Santa reviews his Christmas Night Pease Pottage calls...

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" Right, that's all those miserable Tory buggers deleted - not a single mince pie or sherry left last year, as I recall..."

by **Phil Hornby** Thu Dec 24, 2015 4:30 pm

Pease Pottage Conservative Club Members are pleased to extend their customary Christmas Greeting to the remainder of the local community...

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...and may 2016 be far better for us than any of you...

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by **Phil Hornby** Sat Dec 26, 2015 11:40 am

PPCC Charity Notes

The picture below shows the contributions generously made in December by Club Members to the local Food Bank in response to its pitiful and wantonly self-serving Appeal...

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It should be pointed out in fairness to the goodwill represented by our donations that the photo was taken after the pre-Christmas rush which saw the box of half-eaten Turkish Delight, tin of out-of-date kumquats, bag of squashed satsumas, ,two small walnuts (one with slight crack in shell) and packet of Paw Me cat food treats quickly snapped up by the greedy hordes of the undeserving of Pease Pottage.

Letters of appreciation should be forwarded to the Club Secretary .

by **Phil Hornby** Mon Dec 28, 2015 12:45 pm

Memorandum from the Club Doctor

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Ever conscious of the responsibility I feel to offer sound medical advice to Members and to persuade the Chairman to write me a large cheque, I set out below six key signs that you may have imbibed dangerous amounts of alcohol during the Festive Period.

You must seek urgent help if you :

1 Dream of Theresa May covered only in a flimsy large print version of the Conservative 2015 Election Manifesto;
2 Succumb to the temptation of voluntarily buying a round of drinks;
3 Actually pay for them with your own money;
4 Yearn for John Major to return as Prime Minister ;
5 Recall Margaret Thatcher as a decent human being;
6 Think of joining UKIP if Douglas Carswell becomes leader; and
7 Forget there were only six signs you’ve drunk too much…

Dr. Basil Youll- Croake , MB BS ,
The Surgery,
Kildsome Avenue,
Pease Pottage.

PS Secretary - I am expecting the result of my appeal to the GMC, against being struck off in 1997, any day now...

by **Phil Hornby** Wed Dec 30, 2015 2:13 pm

Important Notice

The Chairman of the Club, Mr Hesketh Largely–Bonkers, wishes to clarify some comments he made, as recorded in the Minutes of the Meeting of the Community Goodwill and Foreigner Repatriation Sub-Committee held in June 1983.

His apparent suggestion that the non-white people of the nation were “… simply uneducated missionary-eating savages with bones through their noses… “ was taken entirely out of context and now that the record of the meeting has accidentally been revealed, Hesketh wishes it to be known that he entirely dissociates himself from the offending sentiments and he affirms his view that several such members of the community are possibly perfectly acceptable to hold such positions as street cleaners and other professions which do not require them to come into contact with respectable members of the indigenous general public, and he fully believes that a number of them have actually developed to the stage where they can undertake basic reading and writing tasks and that in another thousand years they may even be regarded as civilised.

It is to be hoped that this abundant explanation leaves nobody in any further doubt as to the Chairman’s sincerely-held views and demonstrates the true value we Tories place on those who are members of the lower classes in modern Society*.

Tarquin Hayter-Black
Secretary of the Community Integration Committee

(* of which there is no such thing, of course).

by **Phil Hornby** Thu Dec 31, 2015 7:46 pm

Pease Pottage Conservative Club - New Year's Honours

We heartily congratulate the undermentioned friends of the Club who have sent suitably-sized cheques to the appropriate quarters to ensure recognition :

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The new Sir Lancelot Leering-Perve for Services to Young Women's Sport

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Sacha Smarmy-Gitt, OBE for Outstanding Contribution to Obsequiousness at Party Conferences

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Fido Cocker-Legge OBE ( Order of Bone Eaters) for Meritorious Service to Attacking Labour Voters at Elections

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Antonia Roland-Butter , MBE for the Promotion of Healthy Catering and Mindless Optimism at PPCC

Once again, we must commiserate with the Chairman , whose long-desired wish for a gong of some description has fallen once more upon stony ground, for reasons not unconnected with his being unable to remain tolerably sober for more than three hours during daylight.

by **Phil Hornby** Sat Jan 02, 2016 3:08 pm

PPCC Man of the Year 2015

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By some considerable margin, once the votes which we didn't wish to count were removed, the PPCC Man of the Year 2015 is Mr Mal Evolent ( pictured above), the accountant to over a hundred Club Members and responsible,with other of his colleagues from respected local firm Circumventorious plc, for ensuring that those lucky enough to enjoy his services paid an average of only £3.34 in income and other taxes on their copious investments last year. While this figure is slightly up from the previous period due to the inflated cost of buying off relevant staff in the HMRC and fees for intimidation services, Mal is still the best and most unscrupulous tax-evasion expert around and expects to become even more successful once he is able to shake off the inconvenience of conducting business from his cell in Parkhurst and is moved to a more conducive open prison with access to a better class of forgery specialist.

by **Phil Hornby** Fri Jan 08, 2016 4:42 pm

Letter received today from a concerned resident...

____________________________________

Dear Sir

I am writing to you as a local resident - and also as a Conservative voter since I was hit on the head by a banner saying ‘Make Fox-Hunting Compulsory’ when attending the Pease Pottage Boxing Day Hunt in 2009 and lost much of my mental capacity.

I am shocked and saddened that , despite the middle of my garden having suddenly become awash overnight with a large pool of water, I have not received any promise from either my local MP, Sir Toby Walletstuffer, nor Mr Cameron, of the customary huge amounts of compensation which the government has no intention of ever actually paying to anyone.

Furthermore, the Prime Minister has not even sent that Nicky Moron woman to take stock of my predicament, and to inform me that water is especially wet in these parts and to reassure me that I shall once more see my grass when the water level drops.

I don’t believe it would have been too much trouble for Mr Cameron to come and point at the puddle as he has done so effectively in other far less-troubled parts of the nation. His full colour photo in the Daily Mail under the heading ‘ Prime Minister Solves Flooding Crisis Singlehandedly Without Wetting His Trousers’ did so remind me of that picture of Moses parting the Red Sea, that it baffles me to feel he is uncaring about my personal calamity of the soggiest variety.

I wish it to be known that should there be any repeat of this sort of attitude from Tory circles in future I shall seriously consider voting for that nice Mr Trump who I am sure would have been the first to jump in at the deep end to assist me.

Yours disgustedly,
Aubrey Webb- Foote
Dunwittering
Barmy Drive
Much Tossing –on-the-Crossing
Nr Pease Pottage

PS Since penning this note , my wife reminds me that we did, in fact, have a pond dug in the garden last year and that may be the source of the problem…
_____________________________________

by **Phil Hornby** Tue Jan 12, 2016 4:35 pm

Pease Pottage Engagement News

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The Club is not quite overcome with enthusiasm to congratulate one of its biggest friends, Mr. Rupert Sleightly-Whiffey, the owner of a most supportive local paper, the Pease Pottage Dissembler, on the happy news of his engagement to Ms Matilda St. Dunstan the former wife of Mr Daley Telle-Graf and, previously, the loyal life-partner of a miscellany of other very rich entrepreneurs. The couple are pictured above in a typically-inebriated pose.

The delighted bride-to-be blushed upon telling us that she knew Rupert was the man for her the moment she noticed the size of his wallet and how his presence kept the flies off her sandwiches at last Summer’s PPCC Garden Party.

We wish the happy couple every happiness and a carefully-negotiated and watertight pre-nuptial agreement.

A.Dulle-Scribble
Club Secretary and Best Man for Hire at Reasonable Rates

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